Night Court (1984) s01e13 Episode Script

Your Honor.
Anybody seen the judge? - Not lately.
- Oh, that could be him.
No.
Harry usually twirls more.
- Calendar update, sir.
- Thanks.
My pleasure, sir.
- Charley? - Sir? I just danced you down the halls of the building.
- Yes, sir.
- Doesn't that strike you as odd? A little.
Most people react with alarm when I do that kind of stuff.
- I'll try and do better next time, sir.
- Oh, no.
That's okay.
I appreciate your indifference.
I hope you like the typing job.
- Looks great.
- I can do it over if you'd like.
Not for my taste.
How's that for a type job, guys? - Nice! - Pretty.
Wow.
No smudges.
- Keep up the good work.
- I'll try, sir.
- What a nice woman.
- Perfect.
Pretty, obedient, and knows the meaning of the word "fetch.
" Dan! Come on! She's been running around like an attention-starved puppy for the last couple of weeks.
Weren't you eager to please when you were just starting out? Sucking up to people who can help you is one thing.
Being nice to everybody is sick.
Hello, gorgeous! - Tell me, what do you need, darling? - Pack of cigarettes.
They say smoking is bad for you, you know.
Then give me a plug of tobacco and a can to spit in.
I know.
Who needs a lecture, right? All I'm saying is that a body like that you should be good to it.
I would be.
I'll find a vending machine.
No.
Wait.
Here, Selma.
I know your name.
I know your brand.
- How much? - They're on the house.
Then I'll take a carton.
Selma, I hope you won't mind my saying this but I've had my eye on you for quite a while.
I need matches too.
Selma, please.
I'm only human.
My name is Bernie.
Bernie the human.
Got it.
But wait! How about some dinner on me? - Sure.
Next time, my place.
- Well, hello again.
- I got a gun, Bernie.
You look very sexy in that uniform.
Bullets, Bernie.
I got those too.
I do very well financially, you know.
- Is that so? - You know that stand in there? That's only the tip of the iceberg.
I got another one, much bigger.
Over in the municipal building.
I sell more breath mints than anybody else in the city.
Life in the fast lane, huh? Ready whenever you're through rummaging, sir.
- Just a minute.
- Looking for something, Your Honor? Yeah.
My rabbit's foot.
The arrest report on the next case.
- What did it look like? - It was about this big, fuzzy.
- Green? - Yeah.
Oh, sir, I threw it out for you.
Threw it out? Miss Tracy, that was my lucky rabbit's foot.
I had it for over 25 years.
- Oh, my God.
- Now, don't worry, honey.
It was just laying there, shedding on your papers and smelling funny.
Old bunny parts do that.
Sir, don't worry.
I'll find that rabbit's foot if it's the last thing I do.
Don't worry about it.
It was just a silly old thing, anyway.
I'll be fine.
Cancel my hang-gliding lesson, okay, Charley? If this is gonna take a while, I need to hit the head before we start.
Who might that be? Mitchell Bowers, Your Honor.
The defendant, my client.
The arrest report, sir.
Breaking and entering, Mr.
Bowers.
I'm innocent.
How can you arrest a man for breaking and entering his own home? Mr.
Prosecutor? Your Honor, we have a bit of a legal gray area here.
- How gray? - You see, Mr.
Bowers here is dead.
In the old days, we used to bury them.
Then they never gave any trouble again.
Well, Your Honor, Mr.
Bowers bought the farm in the legal sense a year ago, June.
When his wife had him declared dead.
Mitch? When I got that letter about you, I had to assume the government knew what they were talking about.
That's your first mistake.
Have a seat, pumpkin.
Marrying that little twerp was your second.
- Miss Williams.
- Your Honor my client served with the Marine Corps in Vietnam.
He was presumed to have been killed in action in 1973 but in reality, he was captured by an enemy patrol and spent the next several years in one of their prisons.
While I'm busting my butt trying to escape she hires some lawyer to snuff me out so she can marry that dipstick.
The dipstick in question Mr.
Duane Sedgewick, the lady's present husband.
Would you all approach the bench? Why are we wasting time? Just let me and him arm-wrestle for her.
Your Honor, I can understand Mr.
Bowers' pique.
This has been quite a shock for me as well as Stow it, four-eyes.
Four-eyes? How archaic.
That'll be enough name-calling.
Go on, Mr.
Dipstick I mean Your Honor, I'd like to clear up this notion that I'm some sort of home wrecker.
That I seduced Nora while he was away.
That couldn't be farther from the truth.
Like we used to say in the Corps: "Any port in a storm.
" Right, Nora? I am telling you, it was not physical.
Not for a long time.
Mitch, from the time you left the States, I was completely you know, celibate for over nine years.
Say what? And all those years, I loved you.
- I still do.
- Great.
Then dump Mr.
Potato Head here and let's go home.
- I can't do that.
- Why not, Nora? Because.
I love him too.
I understand that there's a lot of heartache and personal anguish involved here.
But I'm afraid all I can deal with is the charge before me.
Miss Tracy? - Miss Tracy? - Still looking for the foot, sir.
Would you mind putting the garbage down and finding me the summary of damages? Right away.
Would the counsels approach the bench? I'm afraid there's not much we can do here, guys.
- This is a case for a civil court.
- Agreed.
But if the prosecution would drop the charges - Summary of the damages, sir.
- These are sticky.
- Could be jelly.
- That'll come right out.
- No, that just smears it.
- You missed a spot.
It's fine.
It's fine.
It's great.
The saliva has removed most of the jelly.
What are the locks for? You never needed them when I was around.
- You never had antiques.
- Never had any use for them.
Never had use for poachers, either.
- I got a mind - lf you have, I've seen no evidence of it.
Oh, honeys, please! You got 24 hours to get you and your antiques out of my apartment.
Will both of you please stop it?! Mrs.
Sedgewick.
I'm I'm sorry, Your Honor.
I really am.
I knew she was gonna do that.
I felt it coming on.
I mean, I felt I knew it.
You see, I don't wanna hurt either one of them.
They're good men.
They both, in their own ways have made me the happiest woman in the world.
- Come on, now, honey.
Stop it.
- Don't cry, Nora.
Take your hands off her, or we'll end this quick.
Oh, yes, violence! Just the sort of behavior I'd expect from a borderline Homo sapien.
Why, you I never even hugged my father! All right.
I've had enough! So have I.
Can't you see that Nora is mine now? - Over my dead body! - Lf you two gentlemen - He's out cold! - Get the ice.
There's some in my refrigerator.
I'll get it! Brown bag, tuna.
Help yourself.
Did I mention it was on whole wheat? All right, can we sit up, Mr.
Fielding? - There you go.
- There we are.
- I can't breathe.
- That's normal.
Not in my family.
- How is he, doc? - He took a real nasty bump on the snoot.
That's based on what, nine, It's definitely broken.
- Thanks for taking care of it.
- It should be all right but we ought to get x-rays as soon as possible.
I mean, if it didn't set right, we would have to re-break it, wouldn't we? - Dan, are you okay to work? - Yeah, I suppose so.
Just as long as I stay away from words like "small claims" or "Smithsonian.
" - I'm sorry.
- You know I have a little spinal irregularity you might find amusing also.
Charley, can we try to rearrange? Charley? No trace.
Not a piece of fur, nothing.
Forget about the rabbit's foot.
It was an accident.
It's gone.
Don't worry about it, I'm not.
What I did was unforgivable.
It's forgivable.
Look, I'm not upset.
I'm smiling.
I wouldn't blame you if you fired me.
Charley, I'm happy with you, and I'm happy with your work.
Okay? - Thank you, sir.
- Yuck! Tuna juice.
Leaky bag in the garbage.
No, it's okay.
I'm left-handed.
- Your Honor? - Yeah, Bull? Your Honor, I put - I put Bowers in the holding cell.
- Good.
I wanna see him and the Sedgewicks in my chambers right after I wash up.
I was hoping you'd say that.
Fish.
Duck.
- Bernie? - I knew you'd come back.
You got any aspirin? Extra-strength or regular? If you don't see what you want, I can order it for you.
Bernie, It's not for me.
It's for the DA.
And please, stop making a fuss over me.
I am not interested.
Selma, I feel I have a lot to offer you.
For example, companionship.
That's why God gave us TV.
Selma, you're the kind of person I could live out the golden years with.
Bernie, I'm sure you're a nice guy and all that but I am not looking for a man.
Did I mention the two Plymouths and the life insurance policy? Bernie, I want to be alone.
Selma, are you trying to tell me something? You again, huh? You know, this intimidation stuff is just not working.
So I lost my rabbit's foot.
So what? It was more of a keepsake than a lucky charm, anyway.
I'm just not that superstitious.
Besides, no bad luck has befallen me unless you want to count some jelly on some papers or some tuna Roll over.
Roll over! Give me a dog any day.
The judge would like to see you two in his chambers, right through that door.
Yeah? - Here he is, Your Honor.
- Thanks, Bull.
- You need me? - I don't think so.
We're not gonna have any more punching, are we? - No, sir.
- It's okay.
Hey, man, I'm sorry.
It was just one of those things.
You broke one of those things.
- You wanted to see us, Your Honor? - Yes.
I wanted to see you all.
Baby, are you all right? Yeah, I'm fine.
I'm fine.
Here's the aspirin.
Is that comfortable? It's supposed to help drainage.
I have a lot of internal weeping.
Come on, Dan.
Let's go find a place for you to lie down.
Okay.
Don't let go.
I won't.
I won't.
Careful.
There's a little warp in the floor.
So we've got a real toughie here, don't we? - Not really, judge, the way I see it.
- That was a rhetorical question, Mr.
Bowers.
I'd like a chance to answer it.
A few good men.
Hey, look, buddy.
You stole my wife, okay? But don't be knocking the Corps! Put a lid on it.
Now, Mrs.
Sedgewick it's up to you.
- What is? - You've gotta choose between these men.
Will it be Mitch or husband number two? I don't I don't know! They are two completely different men and yet I love them both.
How do you measure love? - Well, in boot camp, we - Mitch.
Rhetorical again, huh? But I think I've got an answer to this problem.
- You do? - Simple, really.
You're gonna feel silly you didn't think of it yourselves.
You two guys share her.
- What?! - What do you think? Mitch? This is the kind you answer.
Off the record? I think your porch light's burned out, judge.
- Duane? - I gotta go along with Mitch on that one.
This may seem a little untraditional at first but trust me, you'll get used to it.
It may mean an extra chair at the breakfast table or working out a sleeping schedule, but, hey we're talking about Nora's happiness, aren't we? I love two people.
That doesn't sound as bad as it feels.
Yeah.
- Your Honor, l - Charley, I want you to draft a document.
This is nothing official, folks.
We'll just rough out a sample agreement.
You can take it to your lawyers, have it modified, add clauses.
I'll get a pad.
Miss Tracy? Your dress.
Beef stew.
You've been in the swill again, haven't you? Everybody ready? We'll start off with place of residence and move on to nocturnal visitation - That won't be necessary, Your Honor.
- It won't? - No.
I've decided to step out of the picture.
- Is this going to be a contract or - I'm working.
- Then I should just - Watch.
What are you saying? I'm saying I just can't stand to see you suffer anymore, Nora.
I'll never love anyone the way I love you but I'd rather give you up than make your life miserable.
Mitch she's all yours.
- That's real decent of you, Dobie.
- Duane.
Oh, whatever.
You're just giving me up, just like that? Yep.
Just like that.
How can you do that? Don't you want to put up a fight or anything? Duane is putting up a fight, Nora, with himself.
Takes a big man to do what he just did.
Doesn't it, Mitch? Yeah.
Yeah, it does.
You love her that much, huh? I do.
Yeah I guess you do.
What does this guy do? Does he stay home a lot or what? He's pretty much a homebody, I guess you'd say.
He likes to work around the apartment in his spare time.
Not like me, huh? No, not like you.
Yeah, I could never get into all that stuff Fixing windows and puttering around the house.
Well, it's tough to putter when you're gone for two and three years at a stretch.
Never got used to it, huh? Never.
We'll stay in touch.
Yeah.
We'll stay in touch.
Sir, how did you get them talking? Easy.
I just made an absurd suggestion.
Didn't Solomon do that? Real short judge, works the day shift, right? Good luck to you, old man.
You mean? You're a lucky guy.
I know.
Thanks, Mitch.
But if I ever hear you've been mistreating her Don't be silly.
I'm not as stupid as I look.
You're crushing my hand.
Well, judge about those charges There are no charges if nobody's pressing them.
I don't see anybody pressing them.
- Then I can go now? - Sure.
I'll clear it with the DA.
Hey, thanks, judge.
Hey, listen.
I don't wanna sound like a heel but I got this wandering blood in me, you know and I know I can't stay home forever.
And most women need the other kind.
You're a pretty big guy yourself, Mr.
Bowers.
Yeah.
And I'm also dead, judge.
Right.
No identification.
- No records.
- No taxes, no bills.
You should let somebody know.
You've gotta earn a living.
Well, I'm checking the classified of Soldier of Fortune magazine.
Gotta be a war going on somewhere.
Adios, judge.
Mitch? Take care.
You too.
I like him.
But if I were you, I'd tattoo a little personality on him.
Get the idea? Ready, pumpkin? All set, Dobie.
- Duane.
- Oh, Duane.
- Thank you.
- You're welcome.
Yes, judge, thank you.
You've been awfully Strange.
As long as you know.
- Goodbye.
- Goodbye, now.
Oh, sir, you handled that with great skill.
I just got lucky.
I knew you would.
Oh, hello.
What did I tell you about this stuff? I'm sorry.
I sent it earlier.
I couldn't stop it.
Don't worry.
I won't bother you anymore.
Don't get depressed on me.
No.
I'll be all right.
Really.
Come on, Bernie.
Chins up.
You know nobody's sent me flowers in 25 years.
- I can't believe that.
- It's true.
- Thank you.
- You're welcome.
But what you said about relationships living out the golden years - Yeah? - I'm still not interested.
But dinner? - You'll go with me? - I'll go with you but no more marriage talk.
- You got it.
But I can't promise that I won't get affectionate.
Bring a box of Reggie Bars, and you got a shot.
Here you are, fella.
Well, 18 floors into a nice, soft mailbag.
You only got eight left, pal.
- Good evening, Your Honor.
- Hi, Liz.
- Dan, how's the nose? - It's all right.
I figured if I stay off of it a week or so, it'll heal very nicely.
Thank you.
Hi, everybody.
Hi, Selma.
How did it go? How did what go? Oh, come on, Selma.
Don't keep us all in suspense.
How did the date go with Bernie? Oh, that.
You don't have to give us all the details.
What time did you get home? Well, if you must know, very early.
You didn't have a good time? I didn't say that.
- You said you got home early.
- I got home around midnight.
Bernie got home around noon.
Ready whenever you are.