Nip/Tuck s01e13 Episode Script

Previously on Nip / Tuck: That's right, asshole.
I'm pregnant.
I told you I couldn't do this alone.
You can't do it at all.
Why couldn't you just love me? I've never loved anyone.
You think you can ever love me again? I don't know.
Bye, pumpkin.
You continue to work on my clients, and I let your family live in peace.
Skin stapler.
I need an end date.
This is the 10th girl we've done this month.
How many more people do you have to hurt? When will you have enough money? I feeI your pain, Sean, I really do.
But, you know, islands are expensive.
Liz.
Keep your evening free tomorrow.
We have a 4:00 a.
m.
flight coming in.
By the way, where's your partner? Sorry for the delay, Christian.
Merrill's upstairs supervising the installation of a new 12-jet shower.
Arsenic or strychnine? What's your poison? Absolut.
Neat.
From modeI to maid in less than six months.
That's quite a tumble down life's slippery slope, sweetheart.
I'm hardly a maid, Christian.
In fact, I tell the maids what to do now.
Nice ring.
Merrill and I are getting married in December.
I knew you weren't smart, Kimber, but I didn't realize you were that dumb.
Dumb would be signing a prenup, which I refuse to do.
So you're getting everything but love.
I don't believe in love anymore.
What I do believe in is security.
And getting what's coming to me.
Jesus, Kimber.
Oh, please.
Nine months ago, you were sniffing this stuff off my ass.
- Well, I'm trying to change.
- Yeah, right.
I'm gonna be a father.
How sad for that innocent baby.
Have you destroyed the mother-to-be yet? I told you.
I've changed.
Bullshit, Christian.
You're a seriaI heartbreaker.
How many more women can you hurt? When is enough, enough? Isn't being tied to a bed and slashed penance enough? That's only the beginning.
Hey, babe? Shower's working.
Lather up and save me a spot.
I'll be up in a few.
Don't say it.
I know.
I'm whipped.
She's using you, Merrill.
I love her, Christian.
God help me, I love her.
What can I do you for? I think you know why I'm here.
Doesn't she look fantastic? That she does, thanks to me.
I did her plastic surgery, not you.
That's false advertising.
You pull that ad- Or what? You'll alert the media? Is your business that bad, Christian that a little ad campaign is grounds for a face to face? Why are you playing dirty pool? Six months ago, you wanted me to be your partner.
You're either my partner or my enemy.
I'm a sore loser.
And so is Kimber.
Doesn't it bother you, Merrill that she's thinking of me while you're banging her? Actually, it does, Christian, which is why I'm running you out of town.
I am not going anywhere.
You will if I take all your clients, which I intend to do.
You think this ad is bad for business? Wait and see next week's campaign where I promise to beat any estimate in town.
A few months from now, you'll have no other choice but to declare bankruptcy and move to Tampa.
And then you'll be but a distant memory for my bride-to-be.
You were never really good at marketing yourself.
Luckily for me, I am.
You know the way out.
Sweetie? Good job, honey.
You're a full 10-centimeters dilated.
All right, ready? Push.
I'm trying.
I can't feeI anything.
That's normal.
The epidural's numbed the lumbar area.
Now, just bear down, squeeze and exhale.
Sit up and pretend you're trying to break wind.
Christian, this is serious.
Please.
- Wait, there's the head! - There's the head! Christ.
It looks like you barely broke a sweat.
- FeeI a little better now? - Are you kidding? Watching this, I want an epidural with my oatmeaI every morning.
Did you have any pain at all? Not untiI my oldest got to be about 15.
Now it doesn't stop.
Thanks for letting me watch this, Julia.
Christian thought you might be able to help me get prepared for what's coming.
You're never prepared.
Giving birth is one thing but raising kids, and trying to keep a family together that's something entirely different.
- More coffee? - Sure.
Christian never told me that he was with you in the delivery room.
Originally, it was meant to just be Sean.
He was my birth coach for eight months untiI he decided he wanted to deliver the baby.
So he swapped places with the doctor, who shot the video and Christian volunteered to step in at the last minute.
Why? I mean, what was in it for him? The three of us used to be very close.
He scares me, Julia.
He's never had another responsibility in his life besides himself.
He's not gonna be a good father.
I think you're wrong about that.
He taught Annie to swim.
When Matt was a baby, he was so serious untiI Christian walked in the room with his silly voices and that smile.
He's been there for them all these years.
It sounds like he's as much a father to them as Sean is.
Mr.
Parks, tell me what you don't like about yourself.
Sir Winston needs plugs.
Your partner needs a hair transplant? Sir Winston isn't my partner.
Sir Winston of Glenrock is my dog.
Darling, there we are.
The tuft on his head began to thin a year ago.
The stress of the competitions, I presume.
Fullness of mane is an entire point in the grooming category.
That's why that pug bitch pulled ahead of us last year at Westminster.
I want some hair from Sir Winston's tail transplanted to the front.
I'm sorry, Mr.
Parks.
Your request is out of the question.
It's inhumane, excessive- Plenty of others do it and get away with it.
Every year, millions of dollars of dog show dividends are stolen by surgically-enhanced frauds.
Shar-Peis shot full of BOTOX.
- Poodles with Neuticles.
- Neuticles? ArtificiaI testicles.
Dr.
Troy, Dr.
McNamara the world of kenneI clubs is a dog-eat-dog world.
If Sir Winston places first in his scheduled dog shows then I stand to make about $1 million a year.
You can see why I'm willing to take this chance.
That doesn't make it ethical.
Yes, well, we live in a world where physicaI perfection is not just expected, it's demanded.
Thanks, in part, to advances in your profession.
We don't do dogs.
Not even for $100,000? And $50,000 more to ensure doctor-patient confidentiality? I'm just saying that we shouldn't dismiss this out of hand, or paw.
Christian, we're doctors, not vets.
In case you haven't noticed, we're a little short on liquid capital.
We need to take on this client.
Remember what happened the last time we took on a patient for the love of money? It's not love, Sean, it's need.
God damn it, we're tapped.
Bobolit is stealing our client base.
We're canceling on the ones that remain to carve up mules at a moment's notice.
How do you plan to keep the place running without an influx of cash? We need to downsize.
I agree.
I'll fire Dr.
Santiago tomorrow.
You can't fire Grace because you can't keep your dick in your pants.
You think we're hemorrhaging money now? Just wait till her lawyers slam us with a sexuaI harassment suit.
Look at us.
Look at what we've become.
We're actually considering taking on a dog as a client.
Is this where you thought we'd be at 40, Christian? Further behind and more confused than we were at 24? I won't even ask you where you were because I know you wouldn't tell me, anyway.
I know it's late.
I didn't want to wake you.
I don't even know who you are anymore, Sean.
What you're thinking, where you go, what you do.
You just have to trust me, Julia.
Do I? What if I can't? If you're thinking it's another woman, it's not.
Matt's check bounced.
I went to use my credit card.
It was denied.
Insufficient funds.
I can't talk about this, Julia.
Neither can I.
Not anymore.
Do you need money? Use this.
I'm not selling your wedding ring, Julia.
We'll be fine.
We're not fine, Sean.
And we never will be.
You know it.
We both know it.
Don't you give up on me.
There's nothing wrong in knowing when to surrender.
We tried our best.
No one can fault us for finally admitting that we just can't do it anymore.
My grandmother thought you were perfect for me.
Exactly what I needed.
I don't want it back.
It's a family heirloom.
It belongs to you.
It's yours.
We haven't been family for a long time, Sean.
We might as well make it official.
Christian was such a dumbass for turning this one down.
Easiest $100,000 I'll ever make.
And a new low, even for you.
Debbie, if I wanted to be emasculated, I'd stay home with my girlfriend.
Okay? I pay you for your skill, not your lip.
- Has he gotten all his halothane? - Yep.
Two max.
Okay.
Let's rock.
- What's happening? - I think this puppy just stroked out.
Well, do something.
- Like mouth-to-mouth? - Yes.
- Screw you, asshole! - Shit! Come on, puppy.
Shit! This is good.
It's mahi-mahi with an Asian slaw.
I found the recipe online.
So what do you want? You need something? I need you to make love to me.
You'd better have made a kick-ass dessert, too.
I am serious, Christian.
I got to get this baby out of me.
My back aches.
My bowels are clogged up like a ballpark toilet.
Your seduction technique needs work.
My OB said I need to have sex to facilitate labor.
Something about the contraction of my orgasm.
And apparently semen is gonna make the- I've been informed.
I really do need you, Christian.
You know, your dick started this mess.
Now it's time for it to finish it.
- You're too heavy.
You're crushing me.
- Oh, Jesus.
No, Christian.
That's not it.
You're missing it.
It's not working.
- My back.
- Didn't you shave your legs? Have you ever tried shaving your legs when you're nine months pregnant? - Look, I'm trying to help here.
- It's not working, is it? - Put your leg up there.
- There.
Jesus, how do fat people have sex? All right.
Let's try something.
- Is that good? - Yeah.
Oh, Christian.
I want to thank you.
I wanna thank you for everything you've done.
You're gonna be a really good daddy.
Oh, God.
So I've had an epiphany about fatherhood.
A day ago, I was literally living a nightmare.
But something's shifting.
Gina's trying.
She's actually kind of a trouper.
Are you saying, you think you two might make it as a couple? Shit, no.
But as parents The other day, you asked me, is this where I thought I'd be at 40? The truth is, I didn't.
I thought I'd be retired.
Living in a Polynesian villa.
Giving the locaI girls the Bali Hai hard one.
I never thought I'd be a father.
I didn't think I had it in me.
But in many ways I'm more of a man now than I ever thought I'd be.
Julia and I are getting a divorce.
I moved over to the Franklin this morning.
Sean, she'll get over the affair.
It just takes time.
It's done, Christian.
It's ironic, isn't it? Just as you're starting a family I'm losing one.
- Is she under? - Yeah.
All right.
Let's do this.
That the last implant? Unless you made the poor girI eat one just for shits and giggles, yes.
Pepe, get the cooler.
Don't just stand there, gentlemen.
Stitch the girI up.
What's that for? That's where I'm gonna store the kidney.
I'm sorry? You heard me.
Slice her open and give me one of her kidneys.
Why do you want her kidney? Organ harvesting.
See, there's a lot of rich drunks in this country.
And they're willing to pay me top dollar.
One kidney, I make $50,000.
So, open her up.
No, we won't do that.
No? Okay.
No.
I said no.
Where you going, bitch? You want me to splatter you all over her, man? Give me a kidney, or I kill your friend.
Your choice.
Let's do it.
Scalpel's right there.
Use the geI at least twice a day to help prevent scarring.
Did the directions say, "Apply from a remote beach in Bermuda"? No, that's to prevent additionaI bullet holes.
- I'm not going.
- Come on, Liz.
You're getting that paid vacation you've been begging for.
I don't want a vacation.
I wanna rip the skin off of that tattooed piece of shit and use it as wallpaper.
You wouldn't be sending me away if I was a man.
You've seen how he treats women.
Like they're subhuman.
That hasn't stopped me from working with Christian.
We'll be fine, Liz.
We'll call you when it's over.
What if it's never over, Sean? Either way, you've taken enough bullets for us.
This is the boarding announcement for Flight 950 to Bermuda.
Now boarding all rows.
Flight 950 to Bermuda.
Don't take this the wrong way, but you're a better man than I am.
Damn straight.
Don't leave me out in the sun too long.
We're in way over our heads.
We have to go to the police.
We'll set up another meeting with Escobar and call the cops.
He'll have many warrants for his arrest.
You think we'll just walk away from this? Shake hands with the cops and say "Thanks for your help"? We're in this mess because we're guilty, too.
And putting Escobar in jail isn't gonna stop it.
We're gonna keep looking over our shoulders as long as he's alive.
Hey.
You are not doing anything like that, Sean.
We're completely broke, with no anesthesiologist which means no more surgeries.
We're ruined, Christian.
And now Julia and I are over.
I see only one way left to fix this.
We will find another way to fix it.
You promise me you'll be smart about this and don't do anything stupid.
All we have is each other now.
Don't come over here and tell me Sean needs me and then do exactly what he did, and keep me in the dark.
He's doing the best he can to get us out of this without anyone getting hurt.
Does this have anything to do with that man who came to our house? Jesus! He was here? We would have never gotten involved with him if it weren't for me but now we're obligated.
- To do what? - Surgeries.
- Why didn't he tell me? - Because he's trying to protect you.
Like he's trying to protect me, and our business.
He's ashamed, Julia that he's been reduced to cleaning up my shit.
Hoping that eventually I will grow up and change.
He's not the only one who hoped that.
Look I know there's unresolved stuff between us that might never work itself out but if there's even a part of you that's ever loved him help him now.
He's not gonna make it through this without you.
Where's your wedding ring? - What do you want for this? - A gun.
Sean.
What a surprise.
- Where's Pepe? - Airport.
It's just you and me, Doc.
You wanna give me a spot? Thank you.
First one's always the hardest, Sean.
I remember my first.
I was shaking like a little girl.
But I didn't puke after.
Most people, they puke after their first.
I don't know what you're talking about.
You're a desperate man, Sean.
Desperate men don't come by to talk.
They come by to kill.
You gotta get better at hiding your piece, man.
It's sticking out of the back of your shirt like a hard-on.
So? Here I am.
Show me what you got.
You've tortured me, threatened me made me do things I never thought I'd be capable of doing.
But I'm not you! You can't have my soul.
Souls are overrated.
Oh, shit.
I love this song.
Have a seat.
You ever hear a song, and bam you're right back where you were when you first heard it? I was 23 when this song came out.
The whole world in front of me.
And look what you did with it.
You know what I wanted to be when I was a kid? Really.
An actor.
No shit, man.
No, not some big star like, you know, Banderas or Assante.
Just one of those soap actors.
The ones my grandmother used to watch.
Am I supposed to be sorry for you? I'm not looking for sympathy.
I'm looking to the future.
You ever think about a fresh start, Doc? You forced that on me.
My wife left.
My practice is in ruins.
And all of that gave you the nuts you never had.
I gave you the balls to come here with a gun.
Now, you return my favor.
You do for me what you did for that cochino Silvio Perez.
Give me a new face.
Get rid of all this paint.
This snake wants to shed its skin.
You're joking.
You do it and you are free.
You do it and you can have your life back.
So you've been ID'd.
FBl? I can't go anywhere.
I can't go home.
I'm trapped! - How do I know you're not lying? - Men like me don't need to lie.
You make me never have to see my face again and you'll never have to see it again, either.
Sean, I've been trying to reach you all day.
I'm worried.
Please call me.
- Hey, asshole.
- What? My water just broke.
I want my ring back.
I don't have it, Julia.
I don't care.
Come home.
That's it.
Good.
That's good.
That's really good.
Deep breath.
Now, one more time.
Come on.
Suck it up.
Screw you, asshole! - Push one more time.
- Okay! All right.
Good.
Go.
Here we go.
Push.
Here we go.
He's crowning.
Yeah, here he comes.
Come on.
He's here.
Hey, little guy.
- Congratulations, Papa.
- Which one is he? He's the little guy in the middle.
I don't understand.
That's him.
She said she doesn't remember the encounter.
You've heard of blackout drinking this is what Sexaholics Anonymous calls blackout sex.
Do you believe her? I'm working on it.
Like you guys are, right? What are you gonna do? I'm not gonna walk away over dumb shit like DNA.
I'm not gonna abandon him because he doesn't look like me.
I protected him before he was born.
I put together his crib.
I loved him.
I can't just leave him.
He's my son.
- It kind of sucks, though.
- What? For years I've fantasized about what it would be like to have a reaI family.
A guaranteed spot at the table.
You've got that, Christian.
With us.
We're your family.
And you're ours.
"Area plastic surgeon sued by dead dog's owner.
" - Sued for how much? - $10 million.
Even if he survives the lawsuit, his reputation is in tatters.
No wonder our appointment book is filling up again.
Ready for our consult? You think it will work? I hope so.
Here's your current physicaI likeness and here's what you'll look like four months after surgery.
- That look like an Armand to you? - Armand? Yeah, that's the new name to go along with my new face: Armand Ortiz.
Sounds like it belongs up on the silver screen, right, Dr.
Sean? I don't like this face.
I'm better looking than this.
Don't let vanity rob you of your freedom, Mr.
Ortiz.
Pepe will be present during the surgery.
If you try and kill me during the operation, he has orders to shoot to kill.
We're not murderers.
Plastic surgeons have a bad enough image problem as it is.
All right.
Let's do this.
We're gonna sedate you now.
May I help you? I'm here for my paternity results.
- Your number? -2-4-8-X-T.
Thank you.
We've had your results for over three months.
We called the number you gave us, but it was disconnected.
I made up the number.
I didn't know if I was coming back.
Why did you? I thought the answer would change my life.
Now I'm not sure that it has to, or that it should.
Just because you know doesn't mean that anybody else has to.
Thank you.
Excuse me, sir.
Could you stop right there, please? Is there a problem? FBl, with INS.
On your knees.
Hands behind your head.
Mr.
Barco, you have the right to remain silent.
Boys, a mistake has been made here.
My name is Armand.
Armand Ortiz.
Check my passport.
Mr.
Barco, you have the right to an attorney.
Who's Mr.
Barco? Mr.
Barco, a word of advice.
Next time there's a warrant out for your arrest for bank robbery and murder of a federaI agent do more than change your name.
Change your face.
Tell me what you don't like about yourself.