Outsourced (2010) s01e13 Episode Script

Sir, I'm sorry for the horrible misunderstanding.
I can give you a full refund.
Yes, that is why the ghost costumes have to be recalled.
Oh, I'm so sorry, sir.
There was a mistake at the factory.
The head of the ghost costume is supposed to be rounded.
I don't know why we have to recall these.
They look fine to me.
Please take that off.
What is defective about this? It's still perfectly scary.
In a very different way than we intended.
Todd, Todd! I may have a buyer for the ghost costumes.
I'm on the line with a man who claims to be an exalted wizard.
He's willing to order 50 of them.
He just wants to know, are they flame retardant? Not in the slightest.
Wait.
Tell him they are, and take the order.
Hello, Mr.
Wizard? You are in luck.
I must have recalled a thousand of those stupid costumes.
People are exhausted.
You gotta be careful not to burn them out.
The key is to filter in new people all the time.
- Hmm.
- Kinda like a marriage.
You know, if you want to shuffle up your team, I'm open to trades.
I will give you Let's see, comb-over and Dumbledore for that quiet chick you got.
You make cards of all your workers? I thought of making them wear signs, but that felt degrading.
Guy in my position forced to make signs.
- Huh.
- You know what? Every couple of months, I take my workers out bowling.
It's really good for morale.
Yeah, that's not a bad idea, you know? Get out of the office, have a little fun together.
During management training, they took us to Lake of the Ozarks for this team-building retreat.
You know, we swam, we drank.
Got into this truth or dare game that ruined two marriages.
My platoon did some team building back in the army with this guy Terry.
We'd hide his clothes, blast music at him all night long, chase him around with a fire hose.
Um, did that make Terry feel like part of the team? No, Terry's short for terrorist.
It's better if you don't know their names.
I'm transferring a call to you.
But I was just taking another But my fiancé's on the other line.
Thank you.
Hey, guys.
I know everyone's been working really hard, so I got a surprise.
We're going on a retreat! Huh? Yes! This place is a couple hours outside Mumbai.
Check it out.
They've got trees and waterfalls and streams.
Will we be forwarding calls? To where, Pinky? The woods.
No.
No, we're not gonna do any work.
That is the beauty of a retreat.
It's a boondoggle.
What is a boondoggle? Well, it's like going through the motions of work, but really, you're just having a good time.
It's like fake working.
Here we call it "pulling a Todd".
So we So we're gonna do a few team-building exercises to justify the trip, and then it's just gonna be an entire day of fun.
This river looks so beautiful.
I wish I could bring my laundry.
Oh, yeah.
There's horseback riding.
Oh, yeah.
We're gonna ride to the top of this hill, where there's an amazing view.
And then we're gonna have a picnic.
I will be in my element.
I come from a long line of horsemen.
I didn't know you rode horses, Gupta.
Oh, no, I said horsemen, not horse riders.
Uh, we drain the pails, clean the hooves, masturbate them for breeding.
Oh, God.
Okay, uh, just to be clear, we're only gonna be riding the horses.
I don't want to ruin our picnic.
When they whinny, you know you've done a good job.
Oh, Manmeet, look at you.
You got your fishing pole.
Oh, I'm really looking forward to this, man.
The only time I get to use it is during the monsoons.
Last year, I caught a catfish.
It may have been a cat.
It was quite bloated by the time I pulled it out.
Well, when I was a kid, we used to go on fishing trips.
Train! My fishing rod! Let's go squeeze.
You have to fight! I'm coming, guys.
Coming.
I'll be right there.
- Bye! - Run, run! Push her! She will respect you for it! Mid America workers, our fearless leader is too timid to board the train.
Everyone off! That was insane! Why didn't you warn me? Warning, Todd.
This is not the sky train at your Disneytown.
This is an Indian train.
Getting on is just the half of it.
There are pickpockets and gropers and gropers-in-training being shown the ropes by more seasoned gropers.
What's that noise? Oh, no.
Manmeet, you gotta let that go.
No, I borrowed it from my father without his permission.
Does anyone have a knife? Give me a knife! I don't have a knife.
I guess you couldn't catch the train.
Go, go, go, go! Everyone off.
Todd, this is the last one.
- If you don't get on, we're screwed.
- I know.
Todd, you have to really push this time, okay? Follow me, Todd.
I carry a sharp pin.
I get close to people and make a fearsome bird sound.
I don't see how that would Okay, guys.
I got this.
I can do this.
Coming through, coming through! 'Scuse me, 'scuse me! Coming through, coming through! Coming through.
Coming through, coming through.
'Scuse me.
Boom! Ha, yes! That is how you board a train.
Todd.
Oh, my God.
I'm so sorry.
Are are you okay? I was told people would respect me for pushing.
I do.
We both do.
- Hi, Charlie.
- Hi.
If you're looking for your boyfriend, he's on his retreat.
Right, that's today.
It's cool.
You don't have to sit with me.
Wha No.
Don't be silly.
We've gotta have something in common other than Todd.
What are you and Todd doing this weekend? Oh, we'll probably grab some dinner and then Do some stuff that would be weird to talk to you about.
What about you? Got a hot date for the weekend? No, I haven't been on a date since I got to India.
Really? I'm on kind of a cold streak.
Last time I got any action was when I spilled ice cream on my pants and a street dog just went at it.
I'm ashamed to tell you, I didn't put up much of a fight.
You know, maybe if you watched what you said a little more, you'd have a better chance with the ladies.
You know, you've got a lot going for you, Charlie.
- I do? - Yeah.
You got that deep, sexy voice.
Is that so? Welcome to my bedroom.
See, now, that's sexy.
I stole these sheets from a five-star hotel.
Still kinda sexy.
Good luck trying to untie this knot.
You went to creepy.
Really? Such a fine line.
Maybe I could help you find someone.
You know, I could give you a couple of pointers.
Did you just sneak a peek at my chest? You said pointers.
We've got a lot of work to do, don't we? I did it again.
Oh, I did it again.
I'm not gonna Oh, I did it again.
Okay, all right, we may have lost some time.
Might have to skip the hike.
But, you know, we've still got the horsebackride and the picnic.
I can almost smell that fresh air.
Wait, what'd he just say? The train broke down.
Oh, looks like that guy's getting right on it.
Actually, I think he just stole the tool box.
Alright, now, shouldn't they be telling us what's wrong? Is the engine stopped because one of the people on the roof fell off? Are you crazy? Stop the entire train because a freeloader lost his grip on a curve? Wait, there aren't any straps up there or anything? Yes, yes, straps and a waiter and popcorn.
- Okay, yeah.
- And on Wednesdays, they have a continuing education class on French cooking.
May I see a brochure, please? Yes, you can.
See, I'm glad you guys aren't losing your enthusiasm.
- Thank you.
- Hmm.
You know what if we got some of these exercises out of the way now, we'd have more free time.
Uh, okay, guys.
Stand up, stand up.
Aah! Trust falls might be in poor taste in light of the roof passengers.
Oh! Oh! Human knot.
All right, everybody circle up.
Circle up, circle up, circle up.
Okay.
Now reach into the center and grab someone else's hand.
Now take your other hand and grab another person's hand.
Now we have to work together as a team to untangle ourselves without letting go.
Ready? - Watch your face.
- Oh, my hand.
Slowly, guys.
We don't want to hurt anybody.
I'm not letting go.
Ow.
Ow.
Ow.
Okay, carefully, guys.
Carefully.
I gotta be honest, I don't like any of them.
You want to attract a woman, you need a proper haircut.
- Pick a style.
- All right.
Number ten.
Okay, let's work on your approach.
You meet a woman you want to go out with.
What do you say? I think you're very attractive.
Nice start.
How about I buy you a purse and we go do it? I respect your honesty, but that's too honest.
How can I put this in terms that you will understand? Dating is like hunting.
I'm listening.
Well, you wouldn't just charge into the woods blasting your gun everywhere, would you? No, the deer would run away.
Exactly.
It takes patience.
And deer urine.
I cover myself with deer urine to put 'em at ease.
Okay.
Well, dinner and a movie is the deer urine of dating.
You just blew my mind.
Oh, my leg is falling asleep! Uh-oh, I have to sneeze.
No.
Can't we just let go, Todd? No, trust me.
If we do this as a team, we're gonna feel a real sense of accomplishment.
Uh, Rajiv, go under Madhuri's arm, okay? Never! I am management.
She goes under me.
But if you don't go under her, we won't be able to untangle ourselves.
Then we shall remain this way until the end of time.
Oh, I really have to sneeze.
Okay, come on, guys.
Hang in there, hang in there.
Manmeet! Disgusting! Oh, did I offend you, horse hands? This is ridiculous! Oh.
Oh! Oh, come on.
Who who let go? Asha, of course.
What do you mean, "of course"? Madhuri, is there something you want to talk about? No.
Guys, I'm sensing some tension here.
What's going on? Talk to me.
Sir, I don't think this is No, not now, not now.
Let's just get it all out there.
Anything on your mind.
Out with it.
You bring fish curry from home, then forget it in the fridge, and it stinks up the whole office.
Maybe Madhuri should put up one of her signs about it.
"Your mother doesn't work here.
"Pick up after yourself.
Stop taking down my signs!" At least I don't talk loudly when I make a sale, so everybody can hear it.
"What, what, what? I'm Gupta.
I made a sale.
" At least I make sales.
Yeah, and sometimes you even take other people's sales when they put customers on hold.
Oh, you mean, when you put customers on hold, like when you have to talk to your "girlfriends"? "Dude, Debbie, man.
I love you, man.
" - Ticka-ticka-ticka - Okay.
Let's not get personal, all right? Ajeet, you take my magazines to the bathroom.
And you chew on all the pens.
You masturbate horses! And they're the happiest horses in all of India! Guys, this is getting out of hand.
Let's just focus on work issues.
Yeah, come on.
Let's not be petty.
How's this for not petty? Ever since you got engaged, you think you're more important than all of us.
- That's right.
- What? Any time your fiancé calls, you dump your work on someone else.
Yes, and you're always late, so we have to cover for you.
Hey, hey, why don't we mix it up with a positive commentHuh? I'm positive you take longer breaks, so we have to cover for you.
He is right.
Who do you think you are, Asha? We do all your work.
I do not have to stand here and take this.
- Then stand someplace else.
- Wait.
- How about the train tracks? - Asha Well done, sir.
Now let's do Pinky.
Maybe you can get her to jump out of the window.
Go.
They are pretty harsh on Asha.
I'm gonna go check up on her.
Sir, you cannot go in there.
- Papa? - Huh? Todd, you shouldn't be in here.
I need to talk to you.
- No.
- Excuse me.
- You don't understand.
- Look, you know, they have a good point.
You can't just be throwing all your work on the others just because you've been distracted by the whole wedding thing.
Look, I know everyone is upset with me, but they have no idea what it's like to plan a wedding.
You know what? I get it.
I had to organize my buddy's bachelor party.
It was a nightmare.
I mean, I waited till the last minute, and the only stripper they had available was this little person.
It was pretty cool, though.
She jumped out of a cupcake.
What? No, she didn't jump out of a cupcake.
She wasn't that little.
Oh, God.
I'm under a lot of pressure.
But I didn't mean to take advantage of anyone.
I feel really bad about this.
Well, you might want to tell them that.
Whoa! Hey.
What did I do? What Hey Stop.
Hey! Ah.
How dare they kick you out of the ladies' compartment.
I thought they would have seen your soft, feminine hands and given you a pass.
Well, I handled the Asha situation.
I want to go talk to the rest of the workers and resolve things.
- If I may, sir - Oh, I know.
They're beneath us.
Their opinions don't matter.
Rule through fear.
As painful as it is to admit I have learned a thing or two from you.
Have you ever considered the possibility that you might learn something from me? All right, Rajiv, I'm listening.
In India, we are not a culture that dissects every passing feeling.
We accommodate, we move on.
I don't think anyone's gonna move on from this.
In my experience, nothing brings workers together faster than sharing a common enemy.
Perhaps a boss.
Permit me a touch? Okay.
If they're angry with you, they will forget about their petty squabbles.
Ahh.
You know, Rajiv, you may not want to show it, but when it comes down to it, you're a good guy.
I like to think so.
We're moving! This is our best chance to see stowaways tumbling off the roof! Aah! I think I got it.
Charlie I think I found a girl for you.
OhI guess I could have a couple beers and roll the dice.
No, no, no, no.
I'm talking about her.
Her? Wow.
Charlie, I've prepared you.
You can do this.
Hunter mode.
Tell me about the prey.
Her name's Veena.
I've met her a few times.
She's friendly, single, and approachable.
All right.
Lock and load.
Good luck, mate.
Happy hunting.
Hi.
I'm Charlie.
I couldn't help noticing you.
I'm sure you noticed me.
I'm like the only slice of white bread in this pumpernickel world.
Excuse me? I was thinking, if you're free tomorrow night Sorry, you're not my type.
Oh, well, hang on.
You didn't even give him a chance.
I mean, I know he's a little gruff on the outside, but He'sdecent and sweet.
And you'd be lucky to go out with him.
I'm not interested in Charlie.
I am interested in you.
- Oh.
- Ohh.
I have been for a long time.
I've just been trying to figure out how to ask you out.
Uh, sorry, Veena, I'm actually seeing someone.
Whoa, wait, you didn't even give her a chance.
She may seem gruff on the outside Charlie, not gonna happen.
Come on, it's like wrestling, but with two winners.
Well, if you change your mind She doesn't like it when you look at her pointers.
Sorry, I kind of led you into an ambush.
Are you kiddin'? You said nice things about me.
I got to see hot girl-on-girl flirting.
Best day I've had in a long time.
Really? You're not discouraged? Hell, no! You got my confidence sky high.
I'm in the game now.
Hi.
I'm Charlie.
I couldn't help noticing you.
Not gonna happen.
Hi.
I'm Charlie.
I couldn't help I don't think so.
Hi.
I'm Charlie.
I couldn't help noticing you.
Would you like to go out sometime? Probably not.
Hot damn! Gettin' closer! Hi, I'm Oh, that's a dude.
Okay.
All right, listen up, guys.
I know you're probably burnt out on all these exercises, but I got one more.
No, no, no.
You're gonna like it.
It's a trust-building exercise.
So I'm gonna need everybody to give me their wallets.
No, you gotta trust me.
Put 'em in, put 'em in.
Drop 'em.
Quick, quick, quick, quick, quick.
Okay.
Okay.
All right, what we're gonna do, we're gonna get off here.
I'm gonna pay for dinner.
All right! Hey, what's the exercise? I'll tell you when we get off on the platform.
Go, go, go.
Quick, come on, guys.
Dinner, dinner awaits.
Go! Go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go.
- Sir, we have to get off.
- Oh, no, no.
No.
Okay, guys.
This is your last exercise.
You have to get home with no money and work together as a team.
I'll pay for dinner tomorrow night! Todd Well, Rajiv, looks like they found themselves a common enemy.
A stroke of genius, sir.
You have stranded them in one of the most dangerous neighborhoods in the city.
Luckily, you have also taken their wallets.
So the only thing they can pay with is their lives.
Is the neighborhood really that bad? I will speak of it at the memorial service.
Where's my backpack? The wallets.
The wallets!