Partners (2012) s01e13 Episode Script

1 Honey, hurry up.
Our show's about to start.
Okay.
I'm just letting you know I dumped half a bag of Cheetos into the popcorn, and I think I may have invented a thing.
No.
No! Okay.
Fine.
You don't have to eat it.
No.
Our show is gone, and "Couple of Couples" is back on.
What's "Couple of Couples"? It's that show about a couple of couples and the guy who looks like Rob Schneider as the janitor.
His catchphrase is "Boom goes the dynamite.
" Why in God's name would they put that back on? Look.
Look at the TV.
It's the guy and the other guy and the girl and the other girl and the guy who looks like Rob Schneider.
Why is this back on? All right.
Look.
Look.
Look.
Just calm down, okay? Have some Cheeticorn.
No.
Every time I start to like a show, they cancel it and they put "Couple of Couples" back on.
Let's just watch something else then.
No.
What's the point? We're all going to die and "Couple of Couples" is just going to take our place.
Honey, I feel like this might be about something else.
It's not.
You're that upset that your show got canceled and "Couple of Couples" took its place? Yes! There isn't anything else going on? I might be pregnant.
- You ready for this? - Yeah.
I have shocking news.
Ali might be Your half-sister.
A man.
Oh.
Your half-brother.
You said that it was shocking.
She might be pregnant.
Wow.
That is shocking.
How did that even happen? Ali ran out of her things, you know.
And I was out of my things.
Why can you never say condoms? I just can't.
- I'm freaking out here.
- All right.
Calm down.
I can't believe I may be a father, you know.
What do you mean "may"? You guys don't know for sure yet? Ali hasn't taken the test yet.
But she's late for her thing, you know.
And she's never late for her thing.
Why can't you say period? I just can't.
What am I going to do, man? I didn't plan on this, you know.
Am I really ready to be a father? God.
It's so funny.
You're going to hear the exact same thing right now on "Couple of Couples".
- You know that show's back on? - Yeah.
I heard.
It's Wyatt's favorite show.
I don't get it.
He has a recap blog.
It's called A Couple of Thoughts on "Couple of Couples".
Listen.
There's no reason to freak out about this until you know for sure that she's pregnant.
Yeah.
And yet here I am freaking freaking All right.
Okay.
Take my hand.
Don't freak out in front of Ali, okay? You got to be smooth.
You got to be supportive.
Whatever she's feeling, you got to go along with that.
Of course.
Of course.
Okay.
Why is your hand so moist? You know what's weird? If Ali is pregnant, this will be the first big stage of life that you and I don't go through together at the same time.
What do you mean? Well, think of all the firsts we've shared.
We lost our virginity around the same time.
- Right.
First me, then you.
- Yeah.
And then you again.
Also, we had our driver's license at the same time, and we got our first apartment at the same time.
Yeah.
We started liking Greek yogurt at the same time.
Ah.
We've been through thick and thin.
I never really thought about yours and Ali's pregnancy being such a big thing for us.
Well, even though you're not going through it with me, it means the world that you're there for me.
I'm always there for you.
I'm always there for you, buddy.
24/7.
Except for the 40 minutes when Wyatt's watching "Couple of Couples".
I thought that show was only a half-hour.
It is, but he likes to pause the establishing shots and look for story clues.
Hey, hushpuppy.
What are you watching? My favorite show.
Women and men are so different.
You want to watch some of it later? Oh, yeah.
I've already seen this one three times.
At this one, the Jewish guy gets in trouble with his wife.
Watch.
Watch.
Watch.
His wife is going to say "Oy vey.
" - What's going on? - I have big news.
I'm ready to have a baby.
How do you feel about that? What does it look like I feel? I'm not sure.
Sad? Terrified? Anxious? Bored? Frozen Superman? Bursting with joy? Absolutely bursting.
Okay.
Yay! We're going to make such good dads! Just look how happy Alphabet is.
Wait.
Why do you want to do this all of a sudden? Oh, I don't know.
I'm 32 and my clock is ticking.
Okay.
But when I asked you about this before, you said you weren't ready.
I know.
But now I am.
What do you say? Do you want to have a baby? - Of course I do.
- Fantastic Sams.
Gosh.
Just so many big decisions to make.
I mean, how would this work? Where to go? You know, we really have to think this through.
Yeah.
Well, I made an appointment with the fertility doctor for tomorrow at 11:00.
It's BYO sperm.
I don't know what that means.
It's a joke.
"Boom goes the dynamite.
" I saw my birth video the other day.
It was like CSI Brooklyn.
I can't wait to get this one out of me.
It makes Rosemary's babies seem like a documentary.
Well, now we know who the father is.
But, hey, once they're out, having kids is like a thrill, right? - Joe, it gives life meaning.
- It's the most amazing unconditional love.
There's no greater miracle.
Thank you, ladies.
You're all lovely people.
- Hi.
- Hey.
- Oh.
So, any news? - Well, Ali still hasn't taken the test, but I've been very supportive, you know.
Just two minor panic attacks.
One in the cab and one in the locker room at the gym.
My towel fell off and, for some reason, I grabbed my ears.
And I think that there may have been surveillance tape.
Three people already sent it to me.
- Can I say one thing? - Anything.
Treat yourself to some hair clippers and spend some money.
You really need something that can do the job.
Ali doesn't mind.
- She does.
- No, she doesn't.
She's one of the people who sent me the surveillance footage.
Change the subject.
Okay.
Okay.
Wyatt and I are going to have a baby! Stork.
Stork.
Stork.
Got it.
Yeah! Cigar for you.
What? Yeah.
Pretty excited about it.
I mean, you know, obviously it's still really, really early.
But we're going to go and we're going to see the baby guy today, and we're going to get ourselves a baby.
Maybe two.
Who knows? We'll see.
Well, I have to say the timing of this is rather interesting.
Yeah.
I know.
I know.
It's a complete and total surprise.
No.
It can't be a surprise.
You guys are gay.
You can't have a pregnancy scare.
Why can't you just be happy for me? Well, if I didn't come in here yesterday and say that I might be having a baby, then I doubt you'd be standing here saying you're planning on having one yourself.
You'd be standing here ranting about Anne Hathaway as Fantine.
She's not a belter.
Why don't you just admit you're doing this because I'm doing this? Okay.
Whoa.
Whoa.
You're about to do something you don't want to do, Joe.
Yeah? What am I about to do? You're about to cross a line.
That line, right there.
You're having a baby for all the wrong reasons, Louis.
Okay.
Okay.
You did it.
You crossed the line.
And guess what I have to do? I have to cross a line as well.
- There's no line to cross.
- Oh yes, there is.
There is a line.
There's a line right there.
It's the line that says the reason you are freaking out is not because of the baby.
What? How is that a line? You aren't sure you want to have a baby with Ali.
Okay.
That's a line.
And you're wrong, okay? Of course I want to have a baby with Ali.
Just not right now.
I don't think so.
All right.
You want to cross that line? Yeah? You want to cross that line? I'm going to cross this line.
You're not ready to be a dad, because in order to be a parent, you have to be able to put someone else first, and you don't have a lot of practice doing that.
You're afraid Ali is not the one.
You just You just You just crossed the line.
We've reviewed all the samples, and everything's in the normal range.
That means that should you choose to, you can become biological fathers.
Congratulations.
Oh my God! I'm so excited.
I'm so I'm just Cool.
Cool? Really? Cool? That's your reaction? Cool is not a reaction, hushpuppy.
Cool is what my mother is when my father tries to touch her.
Come on.
It's heart on sleeve time.
Okay.
Well, I am guardedly optimistic at this stage of the process, which is a feeling that's not totally unsatisfying.
You'll forgive him.
He's a robot sent from the future.
He's here to promote "Couple of Couples".
I love your blog.
My wife and I are a "Couple of Couple of Couples" fans.
- Please, Doctor, go on.
- Now we have some decisions to make.
Of the ten samples you've given us, five of them are perfect A pluses.
The remaining five – one is a C plus, three are D's, and one is Whoa.
An F.
If you use that sperm, the baby will have a beak and owl talents.
So, does it matter whose sperm is used to fertilize the embryos, or would I simply select the two healthiest samples? The two healthiest.
You'll be okay if neither of the embryos were yours? They're all ours.
I wouldn't love his biological child any less than I'd love my own.
Louis? Well I'm not as good a person as he is.
Doctor K, why don't you just implant one of my A pluses and one of Louis' A pluses? - Well - What? Here's the thing.
One of you produced all of the A plus samples.
- Oh my god.
You're kidding me.
- We don't want to know who it is.
What are you talking about? We know who it is.
Did you see my sperm in that microscope? They needed a scuba gear and a dive buddy.
Louis, there is every chance that you produced all of the A pluses.
Doctor K, which one of us produced all the A pluses? You did, Louis.
- Oh my god.
You're kidding.
- I am kidding.
Of course it was Wyatt.
Did you see his sperm under the microscope? They were wearing little capes.
- What kind of doctor are you? - It's a joke.
This is a happy side of medicine.
This is miraculous.
Two men who love each other get to make a baby together.
Here's a book of egg donors.
Why don't you look through this and see if anyone jumps out at you, and I'll get this process rolling? If you want to implant your C plus, I'm absolutely okay with that.
How do you feel about it? Cool, Wyatt.
I feel cool.
- Hey.
- Hey.
Where have you been? I was at the pharmacy.
I don't want to wait anymore.
Look what I got.
Oh.
You bought clippers? Louis told me I have work to do.
How rude.
It's strong enough to use for shearing a sheep.
Good call, honey.
No.
No.
Look in the bag.
- You got me a pregnancy test? - Yup.
I thought we were going to wait a couple more days and see if I got my period.
God! - Are you okay? - I am better than okay.
So let's take a leak on that stick and get going.
What changed? You're all anxious.
No.
I wasn't anxious.
I was excited.
I was excited because I know we're doing the right thing no matter what anyone says.
- Who's saying anything? - No one.
That's the point.
So, yeah, just go and make a pee-pee on the stick.
I think I'm just going to dunk it in a cup.
It will be easier.
Well, how hard is it to pee on a stick? Really? You can't hit a giant bowl.
Cup it is.
You know, I'm awesome at the cup pee.
It's my favorite part of going to the doctor, or driving to Florida for spring break, although that was a Gatorade bottle because, you know, you need the cap.
Did I ever tell you about the time that Louis lost the cap and So many times.
Okay.
Well, we're out of plastic cups.
But this is a special occasion, so Honey, we toasted with that the night I moved in.
Yeah.
It's a milestone flute.
Yes.
For toasting and then drinking out of.
All right.
Fine.
It's just I want something spe Oh, you know what? We've never drank out of this cup.
- What is that? - It's a Kiddush cup.
It's a family heirloom.
It was smuggled here from Lithuania in my bubby's tushy.
You know the odd part? It was 1976.
She couldn't just put it in the suitcase.
I think that cup has been through enough.
- Okay.
Fine.
- Just give me the mustache mug.
What? No.
The mustache mug is hilarious.
It makes me look like I have a mustache.
- Joe.
- With mustache.
- Joe.
- No mustache.
Mustache.
- Joe.
- No mustache.
- Mustache.
- Joe.
Hey, where did that guy's mustache go? Period.
Condom.
Period.
Condom.
Period.
Condom.
Period.
Condom! Daddy says go to your room.
Hushpuppy, are you sure that you want to do this? Well, yeah.
I've wanted a family my entire life.
I just want you to understand that once we have a baby, everything's going to be different.
I mean, there will be no more club hopping.
But we don't go to clubs.
I just want you to know that's over.
And Halloween will now be about completely different tricks and completely different treats.
And no more club hopping.
But we don't go club hopping.
I just want you to know that once we have a baby, this body that you have come to know and love - gone.
You do know that you're not getting pregnant? Yes, Wyatt.
I know that.
That would have happened by now.
But once we have this baby, I'll be stress eating and I won't be able to work it off by club hopping.
Is it possible you don't really know what club hopping is? Anything's possible.
I could be pregnant, Wyatt.
My hormones are raging.
Louis, sit down.
Put your head in my lap.
Really, hushpuppy, in front of the skeleton? That's how we got into this mess.
You are going to be a great dad.
I know.
I know.
I mean, if Joe can do it, I can do it.
Wait.
What? Well? You ready to know? I feel Yeah.
I'm ready.
I'm ready for anything.
I am ready to be a father.
I am ready for twins, triplets.
Ready for a combo pack of twins and triplets.
- What does that mean? - I don't know.
But I'm excited.
I'm excited to be a dad.
- Well, I'm not pregnant.
- Yes! Thank you, God! So, how are you feeling? What are you doing here? It's Samantha Night.
Oh my god.
Did your grandma die? I've been meaning to call her.
My grandmother died last fall.
I meant to call her.
What's up? Look.
I'm sorry about being such an ass at the office the other day.
Oh.
God.
Me too.
Back at you, man.
Yeah.
I have some pretty big news to tell you.
Well, I have some pretty big news too.
I should say the first otherwise I could not pay attention to yours.
- No.
No.
I would like to go first.
- Okay.
So, Ali and I are not pregnant.
Why are you looking at me so intensely? I am trying to figure out how you feel about it so I can react appropriately.
- Oh.
I am very - Oh, God.
Oh.
- Relieved.
- Oh.
God.
Me too.
How's Ali? Well, she and I are on the same page.
Okay.
Good.
Well, I'm not pregnant either.
Even though I've been eating like it.
But you were right.
I figured something out.
We were doing it for all the wrong reasons.
Well, speaking of all the wrong reasons And Wyatt and I talked.
I mean really talked, you know.
Eye contact.
No lying.
Listening the whole night.
And we're on the same page now.
And we know where we are.
We know where we're going.
And we're actually We are actually going to copy you, Joe.
Wait.
What do you mean? Wyatt and I are getting married.
But you guys are dudes, and I voted against that, like, five times.
Well, you know, Wyatt's old-fashioned and he believes two men should be married before they have children together.
- Congratulations, buddy.
- Thank you.
That is so great.
Oh.
Thank you.
Yeah.
It's really exciting.
- We picked a date and everything.
- Great.
Our colors will be blush and bashful.
Those will also be our kids' names.
If we have boys.
So, what's the story with you and Ali? Well, it didn't go exactly as I thought it would.
- Tell me.
Tell me.
- We broke up.
- What is that? - Wyatt's watching "Couple of Couples".
What happened to the show that was there before? Oh, it ended very abruptly.
Hushpuppy, can I be honest with you? I feel like we might have moved too quickly on this.
Now you're saying this? Well, first I thought we were doing it for the right reasons, and then I think we're just doing it because of Joe.
And that may be the best reason.
Besides, that's what a loving family does.
I know.
But we just decided to get married, and now we're going to have another mouth to feed.
The crying.
The keeping us up at night.
Well, you should have thought of this before.
Hey, guys.
Thanks for letting me crash here.