Popular (1999) s01e13 Episode Script
Hope in a Jar
Hey, welcome back to the mating game where every day br /is Sadie Hawkins Day! You ready there miss sweet thing? - Yes I am.
Okay.
Bachelor number one, your placing a personal ad, how would you br /advertise yourself? First of all, I don't need to place a personal ad, but if I did, I'd say: "available, one lean, mean love machine, invest in ceiling mirrors and high voltage light bulbs, because you are going to want to keep the light on baby.
" Ok, bachelor number two.
I saw Shakespeare in love and I totally grove on the idea going out with a bard.
Can you write me a little love poem on the spot? "Your lips are red, your eyes are blue, all I want to do is look at you.
" Ok, well what if my lips weren't red and my eyes weren't blue? I'd still love you.
And a dooby-do-do.
Ok, bachelor number 3.
We are trapped in a road side motel during a blizzard one night.
And there is only one room and only one bed.
So we snuggle up under the covers, to get warm, and what happens? We talk.
- Just talk? - At the first.
At night when the lights are out people tell each other things they would never tell each other during the day.
I would want to hear br /about you everything.
About your childhood your favourite color, what you wait from a man what you want from life.
Bachelor number three what I want is a man like you.
7 million colors make them safe from predators nature makes these males attracted to the females who consider their fiery plumage as a sign of health.
Have I just been going br /for fiery plumage? I have.
My party is a wack, I've been judging guys on the very criteria I am terrified of being held up to.
Ok, that's it starting today I am on a man hunt and I am taking looks out of the equation.
Act fast, limited time offer, ask me to the Sadie Hawkins Dance.
Im Stone Cold Surfer.
Hottie in a green sweater.
Hey ass in the green sweater, keep dreaming dude.
She is going to make me wait, but she will ask me.
Wait.
What am I dreaming? Stone Cold is hotter than me.
Wait.
That sounds sort of gay.
Josh is available now.
he probably likes big breasts.
Though, don't all guys? Am I dreaming to think that Josh would ever consider going to the dance with me? On the other hand, Josh may be tired of getting hip bone with every hug and want a little cushion with his pushin' There are 600 guys in this school Josh is out of the picture and three guys are out of the closet, so that makes a chances of Brook asking me 596 to 1.
Yeah it's getting longer, when you've considered a fact that I have a body of Tibetan monk.
- I hate my body.
- I hate my body.
- I hate my body.
- I hate my body.
- I hate my body.
- I hate my body.
1 season 13 episode.
Hope in a jar.
Want to be on the wrestling team drop 5 pounds.
Next! Yo baby, here is the 411, you have got to change that spare tire, you are 6 pounds over your weight limit.
Not only that, Sugar, look at my six pack or what's left of it.
Brooke once told me she loved my stomach did I ever tell you that? She told me that if her Maytag ever broke down, she wasn't worried because she could wash her washables on my abs.
Listen, what goes up, br /must come down.
--- See I'm on this new weight loss plan.
Yo, I will be back on the wrestling team and have a women by the end of semester.
- Word.
- Well, with what? It's called the Mummy, it's wrap and sweat system.
Where you get tied into cellophane and than you just watch yourself dissolve like a sweet tart.
The excess water drains into zip-lock bag strapped to your wrists.
Why don't we just eat less and exercise more, Sugar.
Get serious J, yo, I've lost a pound and a half after a month of a Mummy man, yo, 98 more pounds and I am back on the mat.
Cool.
Next! Damn fat Albert lay off the food.
--- The teenage years are indeed a time of exploration of questioning.
What are you talking about? Your gazing at Josh Ford's butt man! No sweat.
I have a fourth male cousin who enjoys coupling with other men as well.
I am down with it.
I don't want to do him.
I want to be him.
No, correction, I want his abs.
How many hours do you think he spends working out at the gym? I can lift anvils for years and not look like that.
- I'm genetically doomed.
- It's difficult isn't it? Girls think they have it so bad.
Please, ever since GQ magazine and the late 80's age of vanity don, being a male and living up to that muscle beach standard has become a societal hazing ritual for male tarts and boys alike.
- Totally.
- And being so skinny and hairless lacking any defining male characteristic --- I pity you man.
A real G.
I.
Joe would shoulders as wide as the refrigerator.
A waste as small as a copy grinder and biceps three times bigger than Mark McGwire's.
Now that would be a freak show babies.
Likewise a real barbie would have an 18 inch waist and literally topple over from the weight of her protruding cans.
Oh you thinks that's funny? Well, let's talk about the affects of these unrealistic standards of beauty.
Girls are choosing to live like cancer patients undergoing chemotherapy.
Vomiting, two or three times a day.
Trying to measure up to Vouge's idea of beauty.
The patriarchy wants us to keep our mind busy thinking about our bodies.
But, we can reclaim our power.
These week, for example, is the Sadie Hawkins dance.
Now, I love Sadi Hawkins, I live for Sadi Hawkins.
I named my dog Sadi Hawkins.
Because, for once, girls don't have to sit around waiting for boys to choose them.
Now Sadi our dog-faced-Diana may have been symmetrically challenged.
But she knew that she deserved love.
Ðnd she went after it.
Ðnd she got it.
So people, today I leave you not with a pile of homework, but with a thought to ponder.
Why is it only the beautiful are invited to the dance of life when we know that all God's children gotta boogie? - You hear that? - What? That's the sound of no-one asking me to the dance.
Why aren't they asking you Harrison? Well, I'll tell you, Sam.
That's because my chest is concave.
No, it's not.
- My chest is concave.
- Nevertheless, you're clearly a girl.
So, give me a girls perspective.
Am I ok looking? - You have nice eyelashes.
- Ok, that's enough.
This is not, you are totally cute.
Oh my god, Tuna alert 6 o'clock.
Hello, Harrison John.
Though you are not the dream boy I have bondage fantasies about you would be an adequate setting for the fiery ruby that is April Tuna.
Please pick me up Friday at eight o'clock with expensive hot-house corsage in hand.
You know what, April? You're too late, I snagged him first.
- Hey, sorry, April.
- Yeah, well, I'm not sure if you're Alpha male for me anyway, you scrawny Beta Harrison John.
Ouch, rejected by April Tuna By the way you don't really have to go with me.
We might as well go with someone who we'll have fun with right? Who won't judge us.
Besides aren't you a little sick of mooning after the unattainable? - Like Brooke.
- Like Josh? No comment, I plead the Fifth.
Ladies, this week when I loose my last 20 pounds, i'll be skeleton thing for the dance.
Then all i'll need is the perfect, gorgeous, muscly beau.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
Alright girls, that is it! I'm asking my hot buttock Stone Cold to the dance.
I know for a fact that he is available, as Brooke is taken a pass.
Mary Cherry, I'm sorry.
I happen to know that he has a thing for caliente girls, okay.
He's begged me many times to roll my Rs for him.
He's been on my todo list for weeks.
Excuse me.
Nicole Julian and Stone Cold are like fashion and anorexia.
They go together, thank you.
Well, meow meow, looks like we've got a cat fight on our hands.
What do you say we have ourselves a little contest? whoever looses the most weight by Friday, get to go to the dace with Stone Cold a hundred and eighty pounds of prime beef cake.
- You're on.
- You're on.
- Hey Brooke.
- Hey.
So how about that Sadie Hawkins think huh? Girls asking the guys.
- Beating these girls off with a stick.
- I bet you are.
But, I am still holding out for the prettiest girl in the school.
Josh, I want to be more than just the prettiest girl in the school, remember? - So, did you ask anybody yet? - We broke up, ok? Josh, I we can ask whoever we want.
Okay? Okay.
You know, wow, those Lincoln logs are really wow, because they are Brownies cut into skinny rectangles.
it's kind of festive you know, for the Presidents day and all.
You have nice hair.
Thanks.
Hey, do you want it? I probably shouldn't eat it anyway.
I've got to loose a few.
See you, Car.
That went well.
Don't tell me you are asking that Ken Doll to the dance.
Carmen I expect better from you.
Look at Sam.
she is not out chasing hubba-hubba studly just because the media tell her she should value muscular torso.
Instead, she's going with Harrison.
Hey.
Don't be upset, my little anti-bicep.
Im sorry.
Come on.
You know you are still my favorite activist in training.
He is so sensitive.
Stone Colds likes them blond with sugar My name is Mr.
Calorie.
A talking scale? I know this company.
it's a diet plan targeted specifically at unhappy teenage girls.
I saw it on a talk-show called "Horrifying Trends".
Answered prayers.
Look! There is an ampule of tasty meal here of a celery stick and a bouillon cube.
And a dime sized breath mint for desert.
Girls, our contest begins right now.
This is our Stone Cold battle headquarters.
Someone's got a lot of homework.
I am working on a extra credit essay for English on I love that book.
Although it's not Salinger's best teenage symbol of America go on ride.
That would be? Holden Caulfield, Man, I re-read that book every summer.
I feel like Holden, you know? Searching, slightly tortured.
Okay, that's a little bit too much information.
No, actually I think that we all feel like Holden.
You know? If Iâm not mistaken, Holden was also horrified.
.
and wanted to crawl into a hole and die when his mom picked him up from school.
Harrison do you want to go to the dance with me on Friday? Okay.
So what do I do with the baggie? Looks like a bladder bag.
Yo, man, just stick it up your sleeve.
Like Bobbi Glasses or a Kleenex.
Than what you do, is you empty it when it starts to slush.
Next Saturday, heavy weight for wrestling and i'll be good for the women.
Now you wrap me.
Sugar, am I fat? I mean you could tell me if I am fat.
- Hello.
- I tried to call you last night.
Oh yeah, I went to the mall with Carmen.
And I bought this amazing dress you are going to flip over it.
It's a cross between a New York Jennifer Love Hewitt.
And a hooker and it was totally on sale.
What? You are not going to be embarrassed being seen with me, if that's what you are worried about.
No, you'll look great.
- You always look great.
- Ok, well.
I'll see you later.
Bye.
See you at lunch.
Dude, did you tell her? Yeah, of course I did.
And she didn't beat the hell out of you, when you told her you were forsaking her lack of curves for someone more pre-bodacious than she? No, she was cool.
Good, man.
Only up for that cherry tree.
Fight the tyranny girls, step on a real scale.
You should weight at least 130.
Look at you.
--- Gain 10 pounds ok? - Next! - I can't resist a weigh-in.
Subtract at least a pound for the acrylic nails and the underwire.
That's part of a bra.
You're too skinny, Nicole.
Look at the chart, you are not at the healthy weight.
Well these charts were obviously published in Indiana.
Ok, thank goodness that we have Mr.
Calorie, accurate barometer over obesity.
Don't you girls get tired of being so lookest all the time? I mean you are just as misguided as that stupid symbol on the back of your cheerleader jacket.
The Glamazon icon reflects the size two contour that every girl should aim for.
That means you, busty go light lane.
Well, yeah, along with being eerily and heinously similar to a trucker mudflap your symbol is an officially condoned image of anorexia.
Well, maybe you could be a role model to us, Lily.
Demonstrate how it's all about inner beauty for you, wonder if there is a way for you to prove, that you've managed to escape the media's influence.
Yes, hello? My fair Lily.
Could you chickpeas stop squabbling and move this wait Along I've got a crap burning a hole in my underoos and I need an accurate weight gage before I eliminate.
Doing my personal experiment on liquid.
Emory Dick is no doubt available for friday night Lily.
Are you? Tell you what hun.
if you actually pair in public with a little Dick and show him a good time than I will change the Glamazon icon to reflect that of average women's tragically dumpy proportions.
But, if I can prove that happiness is related entirely to facade by making this Tuna-fish over here into something resembling that of a women then my Glamazon archer stays triumphed like cadaverous.
Hey, Emory! Do you wanna to go to the dance? You are in luck Miss Esposito.
I am delighted to inform you that I am still available.
Great.
Tuna! Walk three paces behind me.
Let the record show, this is a war between inner and outer beauty.
Next! Ok, don't tell Lily, but I really do wanna ask Josh to the dance.
And it's not just because he is a babe but he's really nice.
And I know that you've kind of liked him after you gave him that belly-high.
And I am wondering if you still do.
Like Josh Ford? No, no.
No.
- Anyway, I'm going with Harrison.
- Great.
And I was kind of wondering, since you're a writer and all if you could help me find the words to ask him.
Carm, I'm not exactly a love genius.
Well, you have to be better than me.
I mean, the last time I tried we ended up talking about Lincoln logs.
Okay.
Let's think.
What does a gorgeous person worry about? They worry about people only liking them because of their looks.
So what I suggest you say is something like "Josh, I know girls usually go for you because of your brawny shoulders and your tapered waist, but I know you're more than that.
I see the boy in Junior High who stayed after school to help Janine, the one armed janitor, pick up the chairs before she mopped the floors.
" He actually did that? - Yeah.
- Good.
God, that's hot.
I've got to get this down.
This is pathetic.
I could barely lift a bar in the last set.
Well, it's almost 50 pounds.
You're going to feel in on the third set, but taken this since you just started now.
- How long have you been lifting? - Since the 7th grade.
But now that I am on a lookout for a date for a dance I got to be working out , feeling good.
You and Brooke, are you definitely over? Lenny K put it past.
"It ain't over till it's over.
" If I can just work of this flabby ass and get discipline for god sakes I think she will ask me.
You probably going with McPherson, huh? She ask me, yeah.
Yo, scrub! This gym is reserved for the men, so what are you doing here? Power working.
Getting in shape before my baby.
Seems the women of my dreams has been dreaming of me Harrison.
Ms.
Lily Esposito has asked me to the dance.
She did? Good for you, Emory.
- Hey Josh, could you spot me again? - Yeah.
I see just our dream girl, double header? You and Brook, and me and Lily, and a hot tub limo? Life doesn Are you going with Brooke? How did you swing that? - She asked me.
- Nice job, scrub.
screw it over the dodo saving your chickenette from being squashed by the bar? She was probably just worried no one else could ask him.
As a matter of fact two women asked me for it.
Well how can they resist such an Adonis? You can't even lift the bar.
Let's go Sugar.
Wait, Josh, a little help.
A moment of your time about Friday night.
I do hope that you are going with the classic sexy look, and not that east village combat gown look.
May I suggest nice dressed, camouflage you unsightly calfs and maybe velveteen choker to take attention away from your head.
Which is slightly too large for your body.
I'm going to wear whatever the hell I want to wear.
Got it, Emory? Why did you invited me to the dance? What's the matter with you? Why are you all sweaty? Did you invite me out of pity? Harrison, why would I pity you? Well, I'm not exactly in the Josh Ford category, am I? - Or Am I? - What are you talking about? Hey, Emory rented this hot tub limo and now, and now Lily is begging us double date with them, so she doesn't have to be alone with Dick.
You are going with Sam? Since when? I thought we were going together.
What? Harrison! Brooke asked me, but I was going to tell you.
When? When? When you showed up to our house with two corsages? - I didn't want to hurt your feelings Sam.
- Well, it's a little late for that.
Oh, crap, this is a mess.
Okay, so who are you going to take? Yeah, Harrison, who are you taking to the dance? - Sammy - Hey.
I would really loved to go to the dance on a Friday, but nobody has asked me.
What should I do? - Josh! - Don't do this, okay? - What? You said I was free to go with anyone I want.
Remember, Brooke? Sam? You know what Josh, I know a lot of girls go for you because of your brawny shoulders and your tapered waist.
- Great! I'd love to go to the dance with you.
Why Harrison of all people? Сould it because, I don't know, he belongs to me, he's been my best friend for years? Oh, you know what, I guess I missed that luggage tag, I didn't see the S branded on his ass.
Brooke while you're moving your pawns around your chess board, you should remember that Harrison has real feelings for you.
I am the one doing the right thing here, Sam, not the superficial thing like you? Harrison possesses the qualities I should be looking for.
He's sweet and he's literate and he doesn't spend more time on his hair than I do.
What I don't understand is why are you going with a guy that you have absolutely no feelings for, a guy that youâve always considered to be a dumb jock.
Who says that I don't have feelings for Josh that are real? Do you? Good for you, Sam, for going for it.
You sneak into my closet, and you wear my clothes, so why shouldn't you go for all my other hand-me-downs? You see? You still like him! You're worried that you've made a mistake and now you can't handle the fact that he's going with me to the dance! Brooke, youâre so transparent! You know what? Fine, alright! just to prove to you, let's all go together.
We'll do some fun slamming Emory Dick hot tub action.
- Fine.
- Fine.
- Good.
Done.
Whatever.
I am really looking forward to going with Josh.
Maybe he's ready for someone more mature.
Mature? You? Please.
You still wear training bras.
Well, if that isn't the pot calling the kettle flat.
So, ladies.
little birdie told a fox that you popularities got a little gamble going.
Rumor has it, I'm the brass ring at the end of the bet.
It makes me feel like a piece of meat, you know.
I like that feeling.
Just remember, Stone Cold, I like my meat rare.
Hey, Stone Cold.
Are you familiar with a country call Ecuador? Because, I could buy it for you.
So when am I getting an invite ladies? Listen, Stone Cold, keep the faith.
you show up at the dance ready and oiled and one of us will glide toward you.
Take you by the hand, feel you up and that's the lady that brought you to the dance.
Bye.
See you.
You know, I was thinking, the new Glamazon icon, we should go with a women of substance, say, I don't know, Janet Reno.
The Novak, after school, final weighting and make over.
Be there.
I've chickened out and didn't ask him.
But, I've got a new strategy.
I go stag, Josh goes stag.
I show up super empowered and casual.
I happen to run upon him at the punch table and invite him to shake his goof thing.
Yeah, but Josh isn't going stag.
Oh my god, please don't tell me that they are back together.
Don't tell me that I missed the 15 minutes when he and Brooke were actually broken up.
No, he isn't going with Brooke.
He is going with Sam.
She did'nt tell you? I asked you if you were over Josh and you said that you were.
I was, but I didn't want to get in your way and you didn't asked him.
I tried, time and time again not all of us are in doubt with your quick silver tongue.
Sam, you're such a hypocrite.
Carmen, he asked me, okay? - Yeah.
- Look, I'm coming clean here.
I didn't ask him, but he told me to ask him.
Carm, I wish it didn't turn out this way.
I wish Josh were going to the dance with you.
But But he's not.
He's going with you.
Yeah.
And I'm ashamed to say that I actually want to go with him.
Kind of, I don't know.
- It makes me feel.
.
- Pretty.
Right? I'm so sick of being the girl with the personality.
I hate my thighs.
Me too, I hate my thighs.
Yeah, well, I hate my skin.
Yeah, well, I hate my mouth, and my fat hands.
I hate my body.
I gave her a blow out that would have straightened the pacific coast highway and now look! What's scary is that April Tuna is the black hole of beauty.
No! She's the ultimate make-over challenge.
Listen up, chicken of the sea, our Glamazon icon, our very lifestyle is at risk and I don't lose! Got it? Get ready to strike a pose, or else.
Oh dear God, please let my invisible pill kick in.
Harrison, I love my corsage.
Could you pin in on me before we get to the dance? Yeah, sure, Brooke.
Glad to help.
Such a gentlemen.
Okay.
Is something wrong? No, no it's cool, I'm just a little stiff.
- Yeah, I bet you are.
Hey, I'm just going to tell you this once, watch your mouth.
Sam, you look absolutely beautiful in your dress tonight.
We are going to dance our asses off.
I can hardly wait.
Sorry.
Sorry, I was just cold.
Ok, that's it! Stop the car! Harrison you and I are going to finish this right now.
Bring it on.
Oh my God.
You could't even wait till the bed was cold, Harrison? Is the the best you got? I expect more from Mr.
Big Man on campus.
I don't see you throwing any punches, James Dean.
Are you ok? No, I'm not.
It's the sweat it off system, I'm dehydrated.
It's my 18th bag.
Well, I've been working out for three days straight.
It hurts to breath.
Well now what? - Drive.
- Wait, what happened? Harrison popped my in the jaw/jar.
Didn't you, Harrison? Yeah I did.
And I'll do it again.
- Harrison, you fought? - What he deserved it.
Interesting.
I hate violence.
Ladies, the final weighting.
Mr.
Calorie, the results, please.
Your results are identical.
Damn.
We weight the same again.
It's because we haven't eaten anything in 3 days.
God, I never should have snuck that sip of water last night.
I'm such a pig.
Well who gets Stone Cold if it's a draw? Girls, I have a proposition.
I have here in my insanely expensive evening bag the strongest laxative the world has ever known.
Only the pentagon and an elephant keeper at the national zoo know its secret formula.
It's street name "convulse".
Is it safe? Not that it matters.
It's as safe as an H Bomb, but it's effective.
Now we all take equal doses and weight into the dance in one hour.
Whoever has the most successful diarrhetic experience, wins Stone Cold.
Do we agree? Nic, grab your "whalla lhasa dolittle".
Tuna! Let's roll.
Come on, Frankentuna! Time to show off our experiment and get Lily to kiss my triumphant ass.
Ok, where is Stone Cold? Because when he sees how good we look, he'll be putty in our hands.
Mirror, mirror on the wall, who's the fairest of them all? I am.
I feel pretty.
Pretty horny.
Are you ok? You feel kind of hot.
I'm fine, I'm fine.
Ok.
So do you think Brooke and Harrison figured out the only reason why we are here is strictly for revenge purposes? No, I think we fooled them.
Did you eat something you are allergic to or something? Excuse me.
Do you want to dance? I'd love to, but I can't turn my neck, I'm so stiff.
- I think I am paralyzed.
- Oh my god! Should we call an ambulance? - No this is self-induced.
I lifted too much to impress you.
And myself.
Harrison you didn't need to change your body to impress me.
Didn't I? I've been standing in front of you for years and you never noticed me as me.
Why the sudden change? You're right.
I guess this wasn't very well thought out, was it? So I was just a pity invite.
No, Harrison, not at all.
Oh god, I just keep thinking that I can either have physical attraction or intellectual attraction, but I can't have both.
My problem is, is that I just need to stop being so bias and then stop compartmentalizing.
Let me guess I am in the brains department but not the hot bin.
Would you want to go out with me you know, date me if I wasn't - If you weren't pretty? Yeah Thought so.
I'll go get you some Advil ok? We'll do this another night.
- Where is Lily? - And Tuna? And Stone Cold.
Oh my god, is convulse also hallucinogenic? Tuna! What are you doing? If you loose the facade, we loose the bet.
My date objected to the beauty industry sleight of hand.
he was willing to buy me as is.
Your date? I'm tired of women who only see me for my muscular definition.
April Tuna is the first girl to see my soul.
Josh, would you like to dance? Josh? Josh? Ok, so let me get this straight.
You tell me that my legs suck and that I have a lollypop head and yet you're the one who is hurt just because you have special Aquaman hearing or whatever you call it You heard me say that I wished I was invisible? Look I say dumb things ok? Around women as beautiful as you I am awkward.
Emory, come on.
Let's just go dance, ok? Only in the shadows, right? So no one really knows that you are with me.
No, come on, you are totally overreacting.
Am I? Look me in the eye.
And tell me that it is not true that the only reason you're going with me to this dance is because I am just a political stance.
Thought so.
Here.
I'm ducking home.
But I want you to have these.
Beautiful flowers for a beautiful lady.
At least on the outside.
I feel like I just smoked 75 cigarettes, drank a dozen pots of French roast and topped it off with Jalapeno nachos.
I feel like I just gave birth to every internal organ I have.
And all this for what? A hunk of metal and a guy who flunk long division? Girls, maybe, maybe, it's time we end this scales tyranny over our otherwise happy-go-lucky adolescence.
What the hell is in you purse, Mary Cherry? A sledgehammer? Yes, I carry it in my bag incase I stroll by a car that's more expensive than mine.
So I can give a little offender a good ding.
You thinking what I'm thinking? Mr.
Calorie it's hammer time.
Sip your OJ's slowly, Joshua.
Your blood sugar is going to be fine in to time.
Yes, mam.
Wow, this is a fun dance where nobody dances.
Well, we had quite an evening, hay gang? Wet baggies, elephant laxatives, a Hindenburg lingerie disaster, lifting weight to the point of paralysis.
Do you really think those things make you more attractive to the opposite sex? Damn! Did they leave? Oh, no, no, principal Hall.
I'm sorry, I guess to answer your question.
I think we do those things because we all just want to feel loved.
I am not young, I am not thin and I suspect I look nothing like the women in the magazines but my beloved husband Olaf fell in love with me.
Alright, I lost my sight to diabetes 4 years ago.
And when I did, a dark shadow fell over my life.
I thought my life was over.
And then Olaf walked into my support group, and my curse became a blessing, because for the first time in my life I learned that in a perfect world a person falls in love not because of a pretty face.
Because of a heart.
Cecilia baby, they are playing our song.
May I have this dance? This is the dance.
Somebody's got to do it.
Carmen, may I have this dance? Hey, Lily.
Hey.
Time to bargain.
If we did fashion a kinder Glamazon could you live with 130 pounds and a size 8? A cup? C not barging on that one hun.
Deal.
Ready than.
Okay.
Bachelor number one, your placing a personal ad, how would you br /advertise yourself? First of all, I don't need to place a personal ad, but if I did, I'd say: "available, one lean, mean love machine, invest in ceiling mirrors and high voltage light bulbs, because you are going to want to keep the light on baby.
" Ok, bachelor number two.
I saw Shakespeare in love and I totally grove on the idea going out with a bard.
Can you write me a little love poem on the spot? "Your lips are red, your eyes are blue, all I want to do is look at you.
" Ok, well what if my lips weren't red and my eyes weren't blue? I'd still love you.
And a dooby-do-do.
Ok, bachelor number 3.
We are trapped in a road side motel during a blizzard one night.
And there is only one room and only one bed.
So we snuggle up under the covers, to get warm, and what happens? We talk.
- Just talk? - At the first.
At night when the lights are out people tell each other things they would never tell each other during the day.
I would want to hear br /about you everything.
About your childhood your favourite color, what you wait from a man what you want from life.
Bachelor number three what I want is a man like you.
7 million colors make them safe from predators nature makes these males attracted to the females who consider their fiery plumage as a sign of health.
Have I just been going br /for fiery plumage? I have.
My party is a wack, I've been judging guys on the very criteria I am terrified of being held up to.
Ok, that's it starting today I am on a man hunt and I am taking looks out of the equation.
Act fast, limited time offer, ask me to the Sadie Hawkins Dance.
Im Stone Cold Surfer.
Hottie in a green sweater.
Hey ass in the green sweater, keep dreaming dude.
She is going to make me wait, but she will ask me.
Wait.
What am I dreaming? Stone Cold is hotter than me.
Wait.
That sounds sort of gay.
Josh is available now.
he probably likes big breasts.
Though, don't all guys? Am I dreaming to think that Josh would ever consider going to the dance with me? On the other hand, Josh may be tired of getting hip bone with every hug and want a little cushion with his pushin' There are 600 guys in this school Josh is out of the picture and three guys are out of the closet, so that makes a chances of Brook asking me 596 to 1.
Yeah it's getting longer, when you've considered a fact that I have a body of Tibetan monk.
- I hate my body.
- I hate my body.
- I hate my body.
- I hate my body.
- I hate my body.
- I hate my body.
1 season 13 episode.
Hope in a jar.
Want to be on the wrestling team drop 5 pounds.
Next! Yo baby, here is the 411, you have got to change that spare tire, you are 6 pounds over your weight limit.
Not only that, Sugar, look at my six pack or what's left of it.
Brooke once told me she loved my stomach did I ever tell you that? She told me that if her Maytag ever broke down, she wasn't worried because she could wash her washables on my abs.
Listen, what goes up, br /must come down.
--- See I'm on this new weight loss plan.
Yo, I will be back on the wrestling team and have a women by the end of semester.
- Word.
- Well, with what? It's called the Mummy, it's wrap and sweat system.
Where you get tied into cellophane and than you just watch yourself dissolve like a sweet tart.
The excess water drains into zip-lock bag strapped to your wrists.
Why don't we just eat less and exercise more, Sugar.
Get serious J, yo, I've lost a pound and a half after a month of a Mummy man, yo, 98 more pounds and I am back on the mat.
Cool.
Next! Damn fat Albert lay off the food.
--- The teenage years are indeed a time of exploration of questioning.
What are you talking about? Your gazing at Josh Ford's butt man! No sweat.
I have a fourth male cousin who enjoys coupling with other men as well.
I am down with it.
I don't want to do him.
I want to be him.
No, correction, I want his abs.
How many hours do you think he spends working out at the gym? I can lift anvils for years and not look like that.
- I'm genetically doomed.
- It's difficult isn't it? Girls think they have it so bad.
Please, ever since GQ magazine and the late 80's age of vanity don, being a male and living up to that muscle beach standard has become a societal hazing ritual for male tarts and boys alike.
- Totally.
- And being so skinny and hairless lacking any defining male characteristic --- I pity you man.
A real G.
I.
Joe would shoulders as wide as the refrigerator.
A waste as small as a copy grinder and biceps three times bigger than Mark McGwire's.
Now that would be a freak show babies.
Likewise a real barbie would have an 18 inch waist and literally topple over from the weight of her protruding cans.
Oh you thinks that's funny? Well, let's talk about the affects of these unrealistic standards of beauty.
Girls are choosing to live like cancer patients undergoing chemotherapy.
Vomiting, two or three times a day.
Trying to measure up to Vouge's idea of beauty.
The patriarchy wants us to keep our mind busy thinking about our bodies.
But, we can reclaim our power.
These week, for example, is the Sadie Hawkins dance.
Now, I love Sadi Hawkins, I live for Sadi Hawkins.
I named my dog Sadi Hawkins.
Because, for once, girls don't have to sit around waiting for boys to choose them.
Now Sadi our dog-faced-Diana may have been symmetrically challenged.
But she knew that she deserved love.
Ðnd she went after it.
Ðnd she got it.
So people, today I leave you not with a pile of homework, but with a thought to ponder.
Why is it only the beautiful are invited to the dance of life when we know that all God's children gotta boogie? - You hear that? - What? That's the sound of no-one asking me to the dance.
Why aren't they asking you Harrison? Well, I'll tell you, Sam.
That's because my chest is concave.
No, it's not.
- My chest is concave.
- Nevertheless, you're clearly a girl.
So, give me a girls perspective.
Am I ok looking? - You have nice eyelashes.
- Ok, that's enough.
This is not, you are totally cute.
Oh my god, Tuna alert 6 o'clock.
Hello, Harrison John.
Though you are not the dream boy I have bondage fantasies about you would be an adequate setting for the fiery ruby that is April Tuna.
Please pick me up Friday at eight o'clock with expensive hot-house corsage in hand.
You know what, April? You're too late, I snagged him first.
- Hey, sorry, April.
- Yeah, well, I'm not sure if you're Alpha male for me anyway, you scrawny Beta Harrison John.
Ouch, rejected by April Tuna By the way you don't really have to go with me.
We might as well go with someone who we'll have fun with right? Who won't judge us.
Besides aren't you a little sick of mooning after the unattainable? - Like Brooke.
- Like Josh? No comment, I plead the Fifth.
Ladies, this week when I loose my last 20 pounds, i'll be skeleton thing for the dance.
Then all i'll need is the perfect, gorgeous, muscly beau.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
Alright girls, that is it! I'm asking my hot buttock Stone Cold to the dance.
I know for a fact that he is available, as Brooke is taken a pass.
Mary Cherry, I'm sorry.
I happen to know that he has a thing for caliente girls, okay.
He's begged me many times to roll my Rs for him.
He's been on my todo list for weeks.
Excuse me.
Nicole Julian and Stone Cold are like fashion and anorexia.
They go together, thank you.
Well, meow meow, looks like we've got a cat fight on our hands.
What do you say we have ourselves a little contest? whoever looses the most weight by Friday, get to go to the dace with Stone Cold a hundred and eighty pounds of prime beef cake.
- You're on.
- You're on.
- Hey Brooke.
- Hey.
So how about that Sadie Hawkins think huh? Girls asking the guys.
- Beating these girls off with a stick.
- I bet you are.
But, I am still holding out for the prettiest girl in the school.
Josh, I want to be more than just the prettiest girl in the school, remember? - So, did you ask anybody yet? - We broke up, ok? Josh, I we can ask whoever we want.
Okay? Okay.
You know, wow, those Lincoln logs are really wow, because they are Brownies cut into skinny rectangles.
it's kind of festive you know, for the Presidents day and all.
You have nice hair.
Thanks.
Hey, do you want it? I probably shouldn't eat it anyway.
I've got to loose a few.
See you, Car.
That went well.
Don't tell me you are asking that Ken Doll to the dance.
Carmen I expect better from you.
Look at Sam.
she is not out chasing hubba-hubba studly just because the media tell her she should value muscular torso.
Instead, she's going with Harrison.
Hey.
Don't be upset, my little anti-bicep.
Im sorry.
Come on.
You know you are still my favorite activist in training.
He is so sensitive.
Stone Colds likes them blond with sugar My name is Mr.
Calorie.
A talking scale? I know this company.
it's a diet plan targeted specifically at unhappy teenage girls.
I saw it on a talk-show called "Horrifying Trends".
Answered prayers.
Look! There is an ampule of tasty meal here of a celery stick and a bouillon cube.
And a dime sized breath mint for desert.
Girls, our contest begins right now.
This is our Stone Cold battle headquarters.
Someone's got a lot of homework.
I am working on a extra credit essay for English on I love that book.
Although it's not Salinger's best teenage symbol of America go on ride.
That would be? Holden Caulfield, Man, I re-read that book every summer.
I feel like Holden, you know? Searching, slightly tortured.
Okay, that's a little bit too much information.
No, actually I think that we all feel like Holden.
You know? If Iâm not mistaken, Holden was also horrified.
.
and wanted to crawl into a hole and die when his mom picked him up from school.
Harrison do you want to go to the dance with me on Friday? Okay.
So what do I do with the baggie? Looks like a bladder bag.
Yo, man, just stick it up your sleeve.
Like Bobbi Glasses or a Kleenex.
Than what you do, is you empty it when it starts to slush.
Next Saturday, heavy weight for wrestling and i'll be good for the women.
Now you wrap me.
Sugar, am I fat? I mean you could tell me if I am fat.
- Hello.
- I tried to call you last night.
Oh yeah, I went to the mall with Carmen.
And I bought this amazing dress you are going to flip over it.
It's a cross between a New York Jennifer Love Hewitt.
And a hooker and it was totally on sale.
What? You are not going to be embarrassed being seen with me, if that's what you are worried about.
No, you'll look great.
- You always look great.
- Ok, well.
I'll see you later.
Bye.
See you at lunch.
Dude, did you tell her? Yeah, of course I did.
And she didn't beat the hell out of you, when you told her you were forsaking her lack of curves for someone more pre-bodacious than she? No, she was cool.
Good, man.
Only up for that cherry tree.
Fight the tyranny girls, step on a real scale.
You should weight at least 130.
Look at you.
--- Gain 10 pounds ok? - Next! - I can't resist a weigh-in.
Subtract at least a pound for the acrylic nails and the underwire.
That's part of a bra.
You're too skinny, Nicole.
Look at the chart, you are not at the healthy weight.
Well these charts were obviously published in Indiana.
Ok, thank goodness that we have Mr.
Calorie, accurate barometer over obesity.
Don't you girls get tired of being so lookest all the time? I mean you are just as misguided as that stupid symbol on the back of your cheerleader jacket.
The Glamazon icon reflects the size two contour that every girl should aim for.
That means you, busty go light lane.
Well, yeah, along with being eerily and heinously similar to a trucker mudflap your symbol is an officially condoned image of anorexia.
Well, maybe you could be a role model to us, Lily.
Demonstrate how it's all about inner beauty for you, wonder if there is a way for you to prove, that you've managed to escape the media's influence.
Yes, hello? My fair Lily.
Could you chickpeas stop squabbling and move this wait Along I've got a crap burning a hole in my underoos and I need an accurate weight gage before I eliminate.
Doing my personal experiment on liquid.
Emory Dick is no doubt available for friday night Lily.
Are you? Tell you what hun.
if you actually pair in public with a little Dick and show him a good time than I will change the Glamazon icon to reflect that of average women's tragically dumpy proportions.
But, if I can prove that happiness is related entirely to facade by making this Tuna-fish over here into something resembling that of a women then my Glamazon archer stays triumphed like cadaverous.
Hey, Emory! Do you wanna to go to the dance? You are in luck Miss Esposito.
I am delighted to inform you that I am still available.
Great.
Tuna! Walk three paces behind me.
Let the record show, this is a war between inner and outer beauty.
Next! Ok, don't tell Lily, but I really do wanna ask Josh to the dance.
And it's not just because he is a babe but he's really nice.
And I know that you've kind of liked him after you gave him that belly-high.
And I am wondering if you still do.
Like Josh Ford? No, no.
No.
- Anyway, I'm going with Harrison.
- Great.
And I was kind of wondering, since you're a writer and all if you could help me find the words to ask him.
Carm, I'm not exactly a love genius.
Well, you have to be better than me.
I mean, the last time I tried we ended up talking about Lincoln logs.
Okay.
Let's think.
What does a gorgeous person worry about? They worry about people only liking them because of their looks.
So what I suggest you say is something like "Josh, I know girls usually go for you because of your brawny shoulders and your tapered waist, but I know you're more than that.
I see the boy in Junior High who stayed after school to help Janine, the one armed janitor, pick up the chairs before she mopped the floors.
" He actually did that? - Yeah.
- Good.
God, that's hot.
I've got to get this down.
This is pathetic.
I could barely lift a bar in the last set.
Well, it's almost 50 pounds.
You're going to feel in on the third set, but taken this since you just started now.
- How long have you been lifting? - Since the 7th grade.
But now that I am on a lookout for a date for a dance I got to be working out , feeling good.
You and Brooke, are you definitely over? Lenny K put it past.
"It ain't over till it's over.
" If I can just work of this flabby ass and get discipline for god sakes I think she will ask me.
You probably going with McPherson, huh? She ask me, yeah.
Yo, scrub! This gym is reserved for the men, so what are you doing here? Power working.
Getting in shape before my baby.
Seems the women of my dreams has been dreaming of me Harrison.
Ms.
Lily Esposito has asked me to the dance.
She did? Good for you, Emory.
- Hey Josh, could you spot me again? - Yeah.
I see just our dream girl, double header? You and Brook, and me and Lily, and a hot tub limo? Life doesn Are you going with Brooke? How did you swing that? - She asked me.
- Nice job, scrub.
screw it over the dodo saving your chickenette from being squashed by the bar? She was probably just worried no one else could ask him.
As a matter of fact two women asked me for it.
Well how can they resist such an Adonis? You can't even lift the bar.
Let's go Sugar.
Wait, Josh, a little help.
A moment of your time about Friday night.
I do hope that you are going with the classic sexy look, and not that east village combat gown look.
May I suggest nice dressed, camouflage you unsightly calfs and maybe velveteen choker to take attention away from your head.
Which is slightly too large for your body.
I'm going to wear whatever the hell I want to wear.
Got it, Emory? Why did you invited me to the dance? What's the matter with you? Why are you all sweaty? Did you invite me out of pity? Harrison, why would I pity you? Well, I'm not exactly in the Josh Ford category, am I? - Or Am I? - What are you talking about? Hey, Emory rented this hot tub limo and now, and now Lily is begging us double date with them, so she doesn't have to be alone with Dick.
You are going with Sam? Since when? I thought we were going together.
What? Harrison! Brooke asked me, but I was going to tell you.
When? When? When you showed up to our house with two corsages? - I didn't want to hurt your feelings Sam.
- Well, it's a little late for that.
Oh, crap, this is a mess.
Okay, so who are you going to take? Yeah, Harrison, who are you taking to the dance? - Sammy - Hey.
I would really loved to go to the dance on a Friday, but nobody has asked me.
What should I do? - Josh! - Don't do this, okay? - What? You said I was free to go with anyone I want.
Remember, Brooke? Sam? You know what Josh, I know a lot of girls go for you because of your brawny shoulders and your tapered waist.
- Great! I'd love to go to the dance with you.
Why Harrison of all people? Сould it because, I don't know, he belongs to me, he's been my best friend for years? Oh, you know what, I guess I missed that luggage tag, I didn't see the S branded on his ass.
Brooke while you're moving your pawns around your chess board, you should remember that Harrison has real feelings for you.
I am the one doing the right thing here, Sam, not the superficial thing like you? Harrison possesses the qualities I should be looking for.
He's sweet and he's literate and he doesn't spend more time on his hair than I do.
What I don't understand is why are you going with a guy that you have absolutely no feelings for, a guy that youâve always considered to be a dumb jock.
Who says that I don't have feelings for Josh that are real? Do you? Good for you, Sam, for going for it.
You sneak into my closet, and you wear my clothes, so why shouldn't you go for all my other hand-me-downs? You see? You still like him! You're worried that you've made a mistake and now you can't handle the fact that he's going with me to the dance! Brooke, youâre so transparent! You know what? Fine, alright! just to prove to you, let's all go together.
We'll do some fun slamming Emory Dick hot tub action.
- Fine.
- Fine.
- Good.
Done.
Whatever.
I am really looking forward to going with Josh.
Maybe he's ready for someone more mature.
Mature? You? Please.
You still wear training bras.
Well, if that isn't the pot calling the kettle flat.
So, ladies.
little birdie told a fox that you popularities got a little gamble going.
Rumor has it, I'm the brass ring at the end of the bet.
It makes me feel like a piece of meat, you know.
I like that feeling.
Just remember, Stone Cold, I like my meat rare.
Hey, Stone Cold.
Are you familiar with a country call Ecuador? Because, I could buy it for you.
So when am I getting an invite ladies? Listen, Stone Cold, keep the faith.
you show up at the dance ready and oiled and one of us will glide toward you.
Take you by the hand, feel you up and that's the lady that brought you to the dance.
Bye.
See you.
You know, I was thinking, the new Glamazon icon, we should go with a women of substance, say, I don't know, Janet Reno.
The Novak, after school, final weighting and make over.
Be there.
I've chickened out and didn't ask him.
But, I've got a new strategy.
I go stag, Josh goes stag.
I show up super empowered and casual.
I happen to run upon him at the punch table and invite him to shake his goof thing.
Yeah, but Josh isn't going stag.
Oh my god, please don't tell me that they are back together.
Don't tell me that I missed the 15 minutes when he and Brooke were actually broken up.
No, he isn't going with Brooke.
He is going with Sam.
She did'nt tell you? I asked you if you were over Josh and you said that you were.
I was, but I didn't want to get in your way and you didn't asked him.
I tried, time and time again not all of us are in doubt with your quick silver tongue.
Sam, you're such a hypocrite.
Carmen, he asked me, okay? - Yeah.
- Look, I'm coming clean here.
I didn't ask him, but he told me to ask him.
Carm, I wish it didn't turn out this way.
I wish Josh were going to the dance with you.
But But he's not.
He's going with you.
Yeah.
And I'm ashamed to say that I actually want to go with him.
Kind of, I don't know.
- It makes me feel.
.
- Pretty.
Right? I'm so sick of being the girl with the personality.
I hate my thighs.
Me too, I hate my thighs.
Yeah, well, I hate my skin.
Yeah, well, I hate my mouth, and my fat hands.
I hate my body.
I gave her a blow out that would have straightened the pacific coast highway and now look! What's scary is that April Tuna is the black hole of beauty.
No! She's the ultimate make-over challenge.
Listen up, chicken of the sea, our Glamazon icon, our very lifestyle is at risk and I don't lose! Got it? Get ready to strike a pose, or else.
Oh dear God, please let my invisible pill kick in.
Harrison, I love my corsage.
Could you pin in on me before we get to the dance? Yeah, sure, Brooke.
Glad to help.
Such a gentlemen.
Okay.
Is something wrong? No, no it's cool, I'm just a little stiff.
- Yeah, I bet you are.
Hey, I'm just going to tell you this once, watch your mouth.
Sam, you look absolutely beautiful in your dress tonight.
We are going to dance our asses off.
I can hardly wait.
Sorry.
Sorry, I was just cold.
Ok, that's it! Stop the car! Harrison you and I are going to finish this right now.
Bring it on.
Oh my God.
You could't even wait till the bed was cold, Harrison? Is the the best you got? I expect more from Mr.
Big Man on campus.
I don't see you throwing any punches, James Dean.
Are you ok? No, I'm not.
It's the sweat it off system, I'm dehydrated.
It's my 18th bag.
Well, I've been working out for three days straight.
It hurts to breath.
Well now what? - Drive.
- Wait, what happened? Harrison popped my in the jaw/jar.
Didn't you, Harrison? Yeah I did.
And I'll do it again.
- Harrison, you fought? - What he deserved it.
Interesting.
I hate violence.
Ladies, the final weighting.
Mr.
Calorie, the results, please.
Your results are identical.
Damn.
We weight the same again.
It's because we haven't eaten anything in 3 days.
God, I never should have snuck that sip of water last night.
I'm such a pig.
Well who gets Stone Cold if it's a draw? Girls, I have a proposition.
I have here in my insanely expensive evening bag the strongest laxative the world has ever known.
Only the pentagon and an elephant keeper at the national zoo know its secret formula.
It's street name "convulse".
Is it safe? Not that it matters.
It's as safe as an H Bomb, but it's effective.
Now we all take equal doses and weight into the dance in one hour.
Whoever has the most successful diarrhetic experience, wins Stone Cold.
Do we agree? Nic, grab your "whalla lhasa dolittle".
Tuna! Let's roll.
Come on, Frankentuna! Time to show off our experiment and get Lily to kiss my triumphant ass.
Ok, where is Stone Cold? Because when he sees how good we look, he'll be putty in our hands.
Mirror, mirror on the wall, who's the fairest of them all? I am.
I feel pretty.
Pretty horny.
Are you ok? You feel kind of hot.
I'm fine, I'm fine.
Ok.
So do you think Brooke and Harrison figured out the only reason why we are here is strictly for revenge purposes? No, I think we fooled them.
Did you eat something you are allergic to or something? Excuse me.
Do you want to dance? I'd love to, but I can't turn my neck, I'm so stiff.
- I think I am paralyzed.
- Oh my god! Should we call an ambulance? - No this is self-induced.
I lifted too much to impress you.
And myself.
Harrison you didn't need to change your body to impress me.
Didn't I? I've been standing in front of you for years and you never noticed me as me.
Why the sudden change? You're right.
I guess this wasn't very well thought out, was it? So I was just a pity invite.
No, Harrison, not at all.
Oh god, I just keep thinking that I can either have physical attraction or intellectual attraction, but I can't have both.
My problem is, is that I just need to stop being so bias and then stop compartmentalizing.
Let me guess I am in the brains department but not the hot bin.
Would you want to go out with me you know, date me if I wasn't - If you weren't pretty? Yeah Thought so.
I'll go get you some Advil ok? We'll do this another night.
- Where is Lily? - And Tuna? And Stone Cold.
Oh my god, is convulse also hallucinogenic? Tuna! What are you doing? If you loose the facade, we loose the bet.
My date objected to the beauty industry sleight of hand.
he was willing to buy me as is.
Your date? I'm tired of women who only see me for my muscular definition.
April Tuna is the first girl to see my soul.
Josh, would you like to dance? Josh? Josh? Ok, so let me get this straight.
You tell me that my legs suck and that I have a lollypop head and yet you're the one who is hurt just because you have special Aquaman hearing or whatever you call it You heard me say that I wished I was invisible? Look I say dumb things ok? Around women as beautiful as you I am awkward.
Emory, come on.
Let's just go dance, ok? Only in the shadows, right? So no one really knows that you are with me.
No, come on, you are totally overreacting.
Am I? Look me in the eye.
And tell me that it is not true that the only reason you're going with me to this dance is because I am just a political stance.
Thought so.
Here.
I'm ducking home.
But I want you to have these.
Beautiful flowers for a beautiful lady.
At least on the outside.
I feel like I just smoked 75 cigarettes, drank a dozen pots of French roast and topped it off with Jalapeno nachos.
I feel like I just gave birth to every internal organ I have.
And all this for what? A hunk of metal and a guy who flunk long division? Girls, maybe, maybe, it's time we end this scales tyranny over our otherwise happy-go-lucky adolescence.
What the hell is in you purse, Mary Cherry? A sledgehammer? Yes, I carry it in my bag incase I stroll by a car that's more expensive than mine.
So I can give a little offender a good ding.
You thinking what I'm thinking? Mr.
Calorie it's hammer time.
Sip your OJ's slowly, Joshua.
Your blood sugar is going to be fine in to time.
Yes, mam.
Wow, this is a fun dance where nobody dances.
Well, we had quite an evening, hay gang? Wet baggies, elephant laxatives, a Hindenburg lingerie disaster, lifting weight to the point of paralysis.
Do you really think those things make you more attractive to the opposite sex? Damn! Did they leave? Oh, no, no, principal Hall.
I'm sorry, I guess to answer your question.
I think we do those things because we all just want to feel loved.
I am not young, I am not thin and I suspect I look nothing like the women in the magazines but my beloved husband Olaf fell in love with me.
Alright, I lost my sight to diabetes 4 years ago.
And when I did, a dark shadow fell over my life.
I thought my life was over.
And then Olaf walked into my support group, and my curse became a blessing, because for the first time in my life I learned that in a perfect world a person falls in love not because of a pretty face.
Because of a heart.
Cecilia baby, they are playing our song.
May I have this dance? This is the dance.
Somebody's got to do it.
Carmen, may I have this dance? Hey, Lily.
Hey.
Time to bargain.
If we did fashion a kinder Glamazon could you live with 130 pounds and a size 8? A cup? C not barging on that one hun.
Deal.
Ready than.