Related (2005) s01e13 Episode Script
Not Without My Daughter
Previously on "Related" Rose consummated her relationship with Alex.
You think it's better to have everything out in the open? I do.
So, I suppose you told dad that you slept with Marco? You slept with Marco? Your turn.
If you want me to know you got a new boyfriend, call me up and tell me.
Okay, you're so out of line.
Is there anything else in the car, Gin? Ginnie? Are you okay? I don't feel so good.
Call Bob.
Tonight on "Related" The less exertion, the better.
Stay in bed.
For how long? Anywhere from two weeks to the end of your term.
Your mother wrote you a letter.
She wanted me to give it to you girls when I ever got married again.
Patrick.
Hi, mom.
I want you to meet someone.
You must be Roger.
My son-in-law.
Patrick -- he thinks he's so great just 'cause he's gay and he restored a historic lighthouse.
You experienced what we call a mild abruption of the placenta, resulting in the premature labor contractions.
Now, they've ceased, and that is a positive sign.
Yes, darling, a positive sign, right? What exactly is an abruption? An abruption means that the placenta has begun to pull away from your uterine wall.
Is the baby okay? Heartbeat is strong.
Baby's fine.
But if the placenta fully detaches, that would result in premature delivery, which, obviously, you don't want, and possibly complications for the mother.
But that is a worst-case scenario.
Doctor, what's the best-case scenario? That this is just a bump in the road, that you stay in bed for a while and everything turns out fine, which is exactly what I'm expecting.
Stay in bed? What do you mean, stay in bed? I mean stay in bed.
You can get out periodically to eat, go to the bathroom, but the less exertion, the better.
Oh, my god, my dad's wedding.
It's all right.
Don't worry.
For how long? Anywhere from two weeks to the end of your term.
Pretty big window there, eh? Why don't you just say, "I don't know"? Okay.
I don't know.
Feel better? - No.
- No.
That's why.
You know what I think we should do, darling? Get your family around.
We can have a good, old-fashioned pregnancy bed-rest soiree, yeah? Oh, Bob.
I don't want to see anybody.
I just want to get in bed and let it sink in.
That's good.
Surprise! Okay, guys, not to be crass or anything, but I kind of need your checks for dad and Renee's gift.
I finally booked the honeymoon, so somebody's got to pay for it.
How much? $4,000.
What? Where are we sending them? Disney cruise.
Isn't hell cheaper? Look, I just spent the last month haggling with the travel agents.
The least you could do is just shut up and pay for it.
Pay for what? Electrolysis.
For Ann's mustache problem.
I, for one, think we should all chip in.
Oh, thank you.
No problem, sweetie.
Okay, okay, I've been discussing this with Renee, and considering what's going on with you and the baby, we are thinking of postponing the wedding.
What? No, dad, please, absolutely not.
Look, people are coming in from out of town, and Marjee already booked everything, dad.
It just won't feel the same without you.
Please, for me, get married on saturday.
All right, okay.
It's gonna be so weird not having you there.
I call her shoes! Damn it! All right, so, to recap -- terrible.
Go home and work on it and bring it back, all right? Wait, wait, wait, wait.
Sit down.
Sit down.
Before you scurry away, I just want to show you something that I found stapled to the bulletin board outside my classroom today -- professional acting opportunity.
"Background artists wanted for majer" -- M-A-J-E-R -- "hollywood independent feature film.
" Now, I just wanted to remind you that not only is it against the rules for you to work professionally while you're enrolled in this program, but background artists are not actors.
They are a step below the scenery.
But at least scenery respects itself, all right? So, do yourself a favor, save yourself some trouble -- don't do it.
Now you may scurry.
Go, please.
Go.
You know what? It sounds kind of cool.
- What, the extras thing? - Yeah.
Yeah, except that we'd get in big trouble with Kasnov.
Well, who cares what Kasnov thinks? He's a dick.
And besides, that's what makes it exciting.
Look at you being bad.
You know, your palms are sweaty.
And I think I'm gonna throw up.
Okay, Colin, I'll see you next week.
And don't worry.
It's just my sister.
She'll be staying here for a while, and she was not listening or laughing.
Okay.
That guy is nuts.
You don't really believe that his wiener's as small as he says it is, though, do you? You're a devil woman.
Hey, I tried not to listen, okay? But I couldn't even hear my own thoughts over his girlish sobs.
What are you reading? Your catalog of craziness.
That is not a catalog of craziness.
That is a diagnostic tool, and it's for professionals.
No, no, no, no, no, no! Page 456 -- I have O.
C.
D.
- No, you don't.
- Yes, I do.
I don't like to touch things in public bathrooms.
And then sometimes I forget if I left the coffee maker on, and then I worry about it.
Anything else? A.
D.
D.
Okay.
No, seriously.
I get distracted really easy.
I have problems finishing my work.
I procrastinate all the time.
I think that's called being a lazy-ass.
Hey, it's a disease.
All right.
What else have you got? Classic paranoia, separation anxiety, fear of abandonment, and a mild case of Tourette's.
Ass boobies! "Ass boobies"? I told you it's mild.
Okay, why is Danny's name marked off the guest list? Oh, he called yesterday.
He's not coming.
What? He's not coming to dad's wedding? Did he say why? Perhaps because you have some unresolved issues.
Stop reading my books.
What do you care if he's not coming? You're going with Marco.
I don't care.
I'm just saying that dad's going to be really upset if Danny's not there.
Oh, dad's gonna be upset.
Yeah, dad's gonna be upset.
You know what? I'm just -- whatever.
Ass boobies.
Okay, Grace, I'm sending you the document right now.
Please make the corrections and then e-mail it right back to me, and then I'm gonna need you to -- Ginnie? Ginnie? Over.
You know what, Grace? I'm gonna have to call you back.
Okay.
Yes, Bob? Did you need anything else from the kitchen? - No.
- Over.
No, just the sandwich.
And please stop saying "over.
" 10-4, good buddy.
Over.
I've got chicken-salad sandwich.
I've got BLT.
I've got cheese toasty.
Which one? Okay, Bob, please, please stop.
I'm trying to help here.
You know how you can help? You can turn back time so that the baby's safe and make it so that I can go to my father's wedding.
Well, I can't turn back time.
But I could get a big bed and put big wheels on it, and we can wheel you into the ceremony.
Oh, you'd be like a float in a parade.
Bob, you can't fix this, okay? This is unfixable.
So, please, just let me have this problem.
Let me be free to have it.
All right.
I'll take the chicken salad.
I kind of wanted that one.
So, who do you think our characters should be? I don't want characters.
Doesn't that seem kind of desperate or something? I mean -- I'm sorry.
Kasnov was right.
This -- this is a total waste of time.
Look where the camera is.
We're barely in the shot.
Yeah, but it's still kind of cool.
I mean, I saw Steve Buscemi eating a doughnut.
Hey, Tarzan, do you think you could say, "the bran muffins are half-off"? The bran muffins are half-off.
Perfect.
Get him into makeup.
That's okay.
I'll be fine.
Annie.
Hey, you.
Wow, that was insanely chipper.
What are you doing here? Why aren't you coming to my dad's wedding? You really need to ask me that? It's because of me and because the last time we saw each other -- because Marco, Megan, and our big fight.
Look, Annie, I went back and forth on this for a long time.
I don't want to ruin your dad's wedding for you or for your dad.
I don't want it to be weird.
And I appreciate that, but it's never going to be not weird unless we make a decision to, you know, stop the weirdness.
Stop the weirdness? Yeah.
I mean, I don't understand why there's weirdness at all between us.
We're over.
You have Megan, and I have Marco.
What better way to learn how to be okay with the fact that we're both with other people now than at a place with an open bar? Okay.
If you insist, yeah, we'll come on saturday.
Good.
Thank you.
Okay.
Let's hope the wedding's less awkward than that hug was.
He should have said no.
I would have said no.
You don't just ditch your girlfriend like that.
Right, that's what you're upset about.
What that's supposed to mean? It means you would have done the same thing if you were him.
You're just jealous that he got picked and you didn't.
I am not jealous.
It's okay if you're jealous, Rose.
He did get a line in a movie.
About bran muffins.
And I'm not.
I care about him.
I want him to succeed.
Yeah, I care about Ginnie, and I want her to succeed, but sometimes when I look at this loft, I want to burn it down.
That's lovely.
I don't want you in it when I do it.
Well, see that? It's possible to care about someone and still be jealous at the same time.
Hey.
How's the little one? Oh, good.
How'd it go with Danny? Oh, well, I convinced him to come to the wedding.
That's good.
Yeah, and then I was like, "what the hell did I just do?" I mean, now he's coming to the wedding, and I'm gonna be at the wedding, and Megan's gonna be at the wedding.
And I told him it's not gonna be weird, but it's gonna be weird.
You forgot about Marco.
Marco's gonna be at the wedding.
Shut up.
Aye.
I'm not gonna be at the wedding.
Oh, honey, should we not talk about this in front of you? No, no, no, it's fine.
It's just -- Hey, at least I get to kick in 2 grand for the honeymoon.
Don't take it out on the honeymoon.
I'm sorry.
I'm just sad.
And then Bob just keeps trying to fix everything and I just - You just want to be sad.
- Exactly.
- Men.
- I know.
What have they ever done for us? Except give us hours of -- you know.
Rose.
Hours? Well, an hour, at least.
- I hate you.
- Lucky bitch.
- An hour? - Mm-hmm.
Who goes? An hour? Sorry.
Did I startle you? A little bit.
You have a crazed look about you.
Is it the crazed look of a man who's about to give his wife a very special present? Or a man who's about to kill his wife with an ax.
That was funny.
Guess what I did.
Please tell me you didn't buy me one of those wheel-able beds.
Even better.
Ta-da! Say hello to Ginnie, Ginnie.
"Hello, Ginnie!" Wow.
Yeah.
It's brilliant, isn't it? Please tell me you're not gonna wear this thing to the wedding.
Darling, it's not a thing.
It's a webcam.
Now you will get to experience your father's nuptials in live stereo -- well, not really stereo because the microphone's a bit wonky and the pitch is a bit crappy.
But it's the next best thing to actually being there, isn't it? It's great! I don't know what to say.
Say I'm the best husband ever in the whole, wide world.
Say that I am the fixer of problems.
But, Bob, I told you I didn't want you to fix my problem.
Look, honey, I appreciate your trying to help.
I really do.
But no amount of webcams and wheel-able beds is going to change the fact that this thing has happened to me and I am going to miss one of the most important moment of my family's life.
And I'm sorry if I'm not excited about a wonky webcam, 'cause right now I'm trying to keep myself from going insane.
All right, I'm -- I'm sorry.
I've taped the instructions on the computer, all right? So, if you change your mind I'll get out of here, all right? Hi.
Ann's almost ready.
She's -- oh, my god! What, do I got mustard on me or something? The tie.
What? What's wrong with my tie? My grandma gave it to me.
Really? Did she hate you? Come on.
This is classy.
This is plaid.
Yeah.
Uh, you know, Ann went through an unfortunate period where she thought she was Annie Hall or Avril Lavigne.
Anyway, I think there's a tie over in the closet.
Why don't I go get that for you? Can you get that? It's Rose.
- Hey.
- Hey.
That's a neat tie.
Yeah? Thanks.
Oh, thank god you're changing that.
Marjee, don't forget dad and Renee's present.
I didn't forget -- I forgot it.
What else do I need? Hey, you.
Hey, you.
God, will you just have sex already? - Can you take these? - Yeah.
Okay, you are going to walk down the aisle with Bob now that Ginnie's not coming, and then me and you, and then Patrick's gonna walk down with Renee.
Why can't I walk with Bob? 'Cause your legs are too short.
Oh, remind me to get Ginnie a centerpiece.
She wanted to see the flowers up close.
Okay.
Bob.
Bob! Sorry.
Wow.
Aren't you supposed to be in bed? Aren't you supposed to be at church? Hey.
What are you guys doing here? How could we get married without you there? Oh, dad, you postponed the wedding? We're getting married here today with you.
- You are? - Yeah.
Oh.
It was all Bob's idea.
It was? You're not mad, are you? No, I'm not mad.
No? You did it.
You fixed something.
I think I did.
All right, Ginnie, I know this is your apartment, and I know that you're a control freak, but I am not going to do this unless you agree I'm in charge.
Look, I've been planning this thing for a month, so it's my way or the highway.
- I can help.
- Ginnie, no.
Okay.
You're in charge.
Okay.
Okay.
How the hell am I gonna pull this off? Yeah, all that stuff goes downstairs.
That -- I guess put it -- yeah, on the table.
You did an amazing thing here.
You made her happy.
You should feel good.
I do.
I do.
I thought I would.
But I just feel completely helpless still, you know.
You go to bed.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Come on.
Yeah, I get that.
Of course.
I can't believe you guys did all this for me.
Yeah, yeah, it's great.
Come on, zip me up.
Whose legs are shorter -- mine or Ann's? The heels help.
It's gonna be such a beautiful wedding.
Oh, I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
I'm better.
No, it's okay.
I think we're all a little emotional right now.
Should we give dad and Renee the big honeymoon gift? Shut up.
No, stop.
We're doing it after the ceremony, during the toast.
Do I look fat in this dress? I look like a stuffed sausage, don't I? More like one of those hot dogs.
That plumps when you cook it.
Oh, at least you stopped crying.
Ready or not, here I come! - Oh - Renee, you look so -- It's perfect.
Thank you.
I'm so nervous.
Don't be.
Knock knock.
Oh, Patrick.
Hi, mom.
Hi.
I want you to meet someone.
You must be Roger.
My son-in-law.
We're not -- we're not married.
I know, and believe me, I look forward to the day when people understand that freedom means freedom for everybody.
No, not because it's not legal.
We're just not quite there yet.
Actually, we have a present we would like to give you from both of us.
Is it all right if Joe sees the bride? Dad, come here.
What? Is this allowed? Yeah.
- Yeah? - Yeah.
Wow.
Wow.
Dad, Patrick and Roger have a gift for you.
Who? Patrick and his, um -- We use the word "boyfriend.
" No, I know.
W-- okay, I work with trannies.
Oh.
Yeah, we're not trannies.
I know.
I'm just saying that, you know, I'm cool.
Yeah, you are.
So, um, we would like to give you, as our wedding present, an all-expenses-paid honeymoon to come to our Bed-and-Breakfast in beautiful, picturesque Cape Cod.
Ahh! Did you hear that, Joe? A honeymoon! That is too much.
No, no.
Marjee, I don't think now is the time to give our gift.
- Shut up.
- Okay.
Hey.
Thank you.
Hey.
So, you got the message? Yeah.
Well, this is, uh, Sorelli-esque.
I know.
We're freaks.
Endearing, family-oriented freaks.
How can I help? Well, the caterer just left a whole bunch of stuff in the kitchen.
I can certainly help with that.
So, where's Megan? Uh, she's, uh -- she's not coming.
Is she sick? No, we broke up.
Oh, I'm so sorry.
No, no, it's fine, really.
What happened? You know what? I would rather not talk about this.
Okay.
But it's fun to come to a wedding on the day you break up with someone.
It's good to be reminded of your failures.
Where's Marco? Uh, he's Yes.
How could I have missed him? We knew this was gonna be a little weird.
Look, at least no Megan, right? So it should be a quarter less weird.
I'm sorry.
Thanks for coming.
Sure.
Who the hell does he think he is? Do I even want to know? Patrick.
Look at him over there, moving those flowers all innocent.
And how dare he undermine the gift that I spent a solid month planning for? Marjee, he didn't know we were going to give them a honeymoon.
Whatever.
He thinks he's so great just 'cause he's gay and he restored a historic lighthouse and he helps housebound seniors in his spare time.
So freakin' what? It's like, "shut up about it already!" You do know that we could still give dad and Renee our present? It's not that big of a deal.
No, it's completely ruined now.
It's just a crappy Disney cruise.
It's not two weeks on Cape Cod with your long-lost son.
What do we have going for us? The daily shrimp buffet? Hmm? The possibility that they might get that stomach flu that everybody always gets on cruise ships? Two weeks with Mickey -- some people might like that.
Don't you think that you're being a little -- oh, god, what's the clinical word for it? Um, insane? The guy just wants to get to know his mom.
He spent 27 years without ever meeting her.
Okay.
How many times does he get to play the birth-mom card? To be fair, this is his first.
You agree with me, right? He can't be trusted, that he's looking to come in here like some kind of usurper.
Good word.
Thank you.
I don't know.
I've never even met Patrick.
He looks harmless enough.
You know, I never did like you.
Hey.
Oh, hey.
You look amazing.
Thanks.
You too.
How was the movie shoot yesterday? Oh, it was good.
What happened to you? That's an interesting story.
When you got plucked from obscurity, I got dragged back to a warehouse with a broken heater and a single bottle of water for all the extras to share.
I got the last sip.
Oh, I'm sorry.
I have to take this.
It's Lisa.
The director.
Hello? No, no, no, this isn't a bad time.
What? I -- I just thought they'd look better over there.
Really? So you were just gonna move these flowers, all willy-nilly? Not even gonna take into consideration that somebody else here may have had plans for these flowers, plans that you thought you could just usurp? Is this some kind of theater exercise? I'm not the theater sister, Patrick.
I'm the unemployed screw-up.
I mean, my god, at least have the decency to know what it is that we do.
- Did I offend you somehow? - Yes, actually.
- Stay out of it, Ann.
- Okay, what's going on? Marjee is just a little bit upset because we had this whole honeymoon surprise planned for dad and Renee, and then you came in with your surprise -- And I ruined the whole thing.
Not that we think you did it on purpose.
- Yeah but -- - Zip it.
All right, um, why don't I just talk to Renee? I will tell her we'll do it another time, like in the summer.
If you wouldn't mind, that would be wonderful.
Wouldn't that be wonderful, Marjee? I guess.
Good.
Can I go now? Yes, you can go.
Thank you, Patrick.
Feel better now? Maybe.
So no more acting like an ass booby.
- No.
- Okay.
Try club soda.
It's silk.
How do you know? It's mine.
I just hurt.
Does that feel good? Hi.
- I just want to, um -- - Wait a second.
I know that look.
He's a runner.
We got a runner on our hands.
What? No, Marjee, I'm not running.
I just want to share something with you girls.
All right, uh, your mother wrote you a letter before she -- you know.
And, um, she wanted me to give it to you girls if, um -- and, according to her, when -- I ever got married again.
I think she thought it was gonna be a little bit sooner than it is, but uh here it goes.
I'll do it.
"My sweet girls today is your father's wedding day, and I'm sure a lot has changed.
Ginnie, I bet you're in college by now, and I hope you're -- And I hope you're taking the time to have a little bit of fun in between all of those A's.
Ann, you probably got your braces off, and I hope you're wearing your retainer.
Just remember to take it off before you kiss any boys.
Marjee, don't kiss too many boys, and try to get a few A's in between all that fun.
And, Rose, I know I'll always be your first mom, but give the new one a chance, okay? And take a few chances on yourself along the way.
I believe in you.
" You are such a wimp.
"I want you all to know that your father moving on is exactly what I want for him because I've moved on, too.
And whoever she is, if your dad loves her, then I know she can't be too bad.
And if her lasagna isn't as good as mine, go easy on her, and if it's better, I don't want to know.
Just remember, no matter what, I will always love you girls.
Xxoxo, mom.
" Okay.
Let's go.
Let's get married.
What the hell is taking Patrick and Renee so long? It's like he thinks its his wedding or something.
Marjee, he can't get married.
So, listen, about the honeymoon -- I was thinking maybe we could do it this summer instead.
Oh, okay.
If that's what you want.
And I was also thinking, um, if you guys like it on the Cape, um, maybe you could stay longer, and we could get to know each other, and Joe could help out with the food.
God knows we could use his expertise at the "B" and "B.
" Joe is always saying what a headache it is to run the deli these days.
"Let's retire and go somewhere else and see another side of life.
" I think that's a wonderful idea.
I think Joe's gonna love it.
Well, we should probably get out there.
Go, go, go, go.
We are gathered here today to celebrate the joining together of Joe and Renee in the holy bonds of matrimony.
Who gives this woman to be married to this man? Her son.
Joe, will you have this woman to be your wedded wife? I will.
Renee, will you have this man to be your wedded husband? I will.
I pronounce you husband and wife.
Joe, you may kiss your bride.
I'm glad I came.
It wouldn't have felt right if I didn't.
I'm glad you came, too.
Hey.
Hey.
Uh, I'm gonna get a drink.
That was a nice ceremony, wasn't it? Even though Renee quoted "Family Circus" in her vows.
Look, I'm gonna get going, okay? What do you mean? It was a wonderful wedding, and tell them congratulations for me.
You're really leaving? Yeah.
Why? I think we both know why.
Is this because of what just happened, because I had my hand on his arm? 'Cause that didn't mean anything.
No, it's because every time I turn around, you guys are staring into each other's eyes.
It's because I have to keep pulling you away from him.
I showed up wearing the guy's tie.
I didn't give you that tie.
Give this back to him for me, would you? Okay, wait a minute.
This is crazy.
You can't just leave like this.
Goodbye, Annabel.
Dad, Renee, can we talk to you for a second? Okay, here's the deal.
We got you a Disney cruise for your honeymoon! Oh, my god, Disney! What? Disney? Yes.
You're happy.
Okay.
Here's the problem.
The thing is that the wedding was supposed to be over by now, but since we had to move it, now you guys are running a little bit late, so Can I say goodbye to the guests? Dad, seriously.
Excuse me, everybody.
Apparently, Renee and I have to rush off, thanks to my daughters.
And I want to thank you from the bottom of my heart.
Yay! This was a fantastic day Okay, dad, you're really very late.
How late? You got to pack, and you've got to get to newark by 9:00, or you're gonna miss your flight, so come on! Go! I'm so excited.
Bye, everybody! Oh! Throw it.
Here, here, here.
What you doing? Can I call you back? - Hey.
- Hey.
So, how come every time I see you, you're on your cellphone? Oh, I'm sorry.
I had a couple of calls to make.
Right.
So if I call you on your cellphone, then we can talk.
Rose, I'm leaving.
Why? We haven't even danced yet.
No, I'm leaving New York.
The director, Lisa -- she says I have it.
What? "It.
" You know, "it" -- like Tom Cruise or the irish guy.
- Pierce Brosnan.
- No, no, no.
Sean Connery.
No, he's scottish.
The guy from "S.
W.
A.
T.
" I haven't seen that film.
It doesn't matter.
Do you mean Colin Farrell? Yeah, him.
She says I'm like a young him, only blond and taller and American.
Yeah, that's completely different.
Well, it doesn't matter.
Look she set me up with an agent in California.
I don't understand.
I mean, what about school? What about school? I just told you.
I got an agent.
I don't need school.
So, when are you leaving? Monday.
They're flying me out there business class.
How long you staying? As long as it takes.
Why didn't you tell me sooner? I don't know.
It's 'cause you're breaking up with me, isn't it? Rose, this whole thing is so new.
I don't think we should pretend we're gonna do some kind of long-distance thing.
I shared one of the most important moments of my life with you, and you're dumping me the second you have even the possibility of success? No, it's not like that.
Then what's it like? Look, Rose, we still have the next two days together.
Let's not waste them.
I wasted the last two months with you.
Just go.
Go.
Hey.
Pigs in a blanket.
Yeah, I don't care.
Okay.
I'm not gonna let you get away with this, Patrick.
Get away with what exactly? You're trying to take my father away from me, from all of us, and I'm not gonna let you do that.
Is that what you think? I know what I heard.
God, you're almost as messed up as me.
Maybe more.
It doesn't matter.
I am not gonna let you get away with this.
Okay, can I just say this first? My parents, the ones who adopted me -- they threw me out of the house when I came out of the closet.
I was 17.
They haven't spoken to me since.
So, here it is 10 years later, and I finally meet my mom.
And it turns out she loves me and wants to get to know me and be near me.
And that is so weird to me that sometimes I can't believe it.
So, yeah, maybe I went a little overboard asking them to move away from you and be near me, but tell me you wouldn't do anything you could to be with your mom again if you had the chance.
I mean, I get it.
He's your dad.
But she's my mom.
I mean, can't we -- I don't know -- share them? I guess that could be arranged.
Really? I'm a sucker for the birth-mom card.
Don't use it again.
Try those.
They're good.
You okay? Have you seen Danny? Oh, right.
He wanted me to tell you goodbye.
He got a call from Megan.
From Megan? Yeah, he kind of rushed out of here.
Are you okay? Yeah, I'm fine.
What are you doing here? Where's Marco? He went home.
Where's Megan? I don't know.
I thought you left to go and see her.
Sort of.
She called from the restaurant.
The freezer broke.
It almost flooded the place.
Sorry.
That's terrible.
Yeah, I can tell you're concerned.
Well, it's just that I thought that you left to be with her.
Cause Forget it.
Annie you want to know what I'm doing here?
You think it's better to have everything out in the open? I do.
So, I suppose you told dad that you slept with Marco? You slept with Marco? Your turn.
If you want me to know you got a new boyfriend, call me up and tell me.
Okay, you're so out of line.
Is there anything else in the car, Gin? Ginnie? Are you okay? I don't feel so good.
Call Bob.
Tonight on "Related" The less exertion, the better.
Stay in bed.
For how long? Anywhere from two weeks to the end of your term.
Your mother wrote you a letter.
She wanted me to give it to you girls when I ever got married again.
Patrick.
Hi, mom.
I want you to meet someone.
You must be Roger.
My son-in-law.
Patrick -- he thinks he's so great just 'cause he's gay and he restored a historic lighthouse.
You experienced what we call a mild abruption of the placenta, resulting in the premature labor contractions.
Now, they've ceased, and that is a positive sign.
Yes, darling, a positive sign, right? What exactly is an abruption? An abruption means that the placenta has begun to pull away from your uterine wall.
Is the baby okay? Heartbeat is strong.
Baby's fine.
But if the placenta fully detaches, that would result in premature delivery, which, obviously, you don't want, and possibly complications for the mother.
But that is a worst-case scenario.
Doctor, what's the best-case scenario? That this is just a bump in the road, that you stay in bed for a while and everything turns out fine, which is exactly what I'm expecting.
Stay in bed? What do you mean, stay in bed? I mean stay in bed.
You can get out periodically to eat, go to the bathroom, but the less exertion, the better.
Oh, my god, my dad's wedding.
It's all right.
Don't worry.
For how long? Anywhere from two weeks to the end of your term.
Pretty big window there, eh? Why don't you just say, "I don't know"? Okay.
I don't know.
Feel better? - No.
- No.
That's why.
You know what I think we should do, darling? Get your family around.
We can have a good, old-fashioned pregnancy bed-rest soiree, yeah? Oh, Bob.
I don't want to see anybody.
I just want to get in bed and let it sink in.
That's good.
Surprise! Okay, guys, not to be crass or anything, but I kind of need your checks for dad and Renee's gift.
I finally booked the honeymoon, so somebody's got to pay for it.
How much? $4,000.
What? Where are we sending them? Disney cruise.
Isn't hell cheaper? Look, I just spent the last month haggling with the travel agents.
The least you could do is just shut up and pay for it.
Pay for what? Electrolysis.
For Ann's mustache problem.
I, for one, think we should all chip in.
Oh, thank you.
No problem, sweetie.
Okay, okay, I've been discussing this with Renee, and considering what's going on with you and the baby, we are thinking of postponing the wedding.
What? No, dad, please, absolutely not.
Look, people are coming in from out of town, and Marjee already booked everything, dad.
It just won't feel the same without you.
Please, for me, get married on saturday.
All right, okay.
It's gonna be so weird not having you there.
I call her shoes! Damn it! All right, so, to recap -- terrible.
Go home and work on it and bring it back, all right? Wait, wait, wait, wait.
Sit down.
Sit down.
Before you scurry away, I just want to show you something that I found stapled to the bulletin board outside my classroom today -- professional acting opportunity.
"Background artists wanted for majer" -- M-A-J-E-R -- "hollywood independent feature film.
" Now, I just wanted to remind you that not only is it against the rules for you to work professionally while you're enrolled in this program, but background artists are not actors.
They are a step below the scenery.
But at least scenery respects itself, all right? So, do yourself a favor, save yourself some trouble -- don't do it.
Now you may scurry.
Go, please.
Go.
You know what? It sounds kind of cool.
- What, the extras thing? - Yeah.
Yeah, except that we'd get in big trouble with Kasnov.
Well, who cares what Kasnov thinks? He's a dick.
And besides, that's what makes it exciting.
Look at you being bad.
You know, your palms are sweaty.
And I think I'm gonna throw up.
Okay, Colin, I'll see you next week.
And don't worry.
It's just my sister.
She'll be staying here for a while, and she was not listening or laughing.
Okay.
That guy is nuts.
You don't really believe that his wiener's as small as he says it is, though, do you? You're a devil woman.
Hey, I tried not to listen, okay? But I couldn't even hear my own thoughts over his girlish sobs.
What are you reading? Your catalog of craziness.
That is not a catalog of craziness.
That is a diagnostic tool, and it's for professionals.
No, no, no, no, no, no! Page 456 -- I have O.
C.
D.
- No, you don't.
- Yes, I do.
I don't like to touch things in public bathrooms.
And then sometimes I forget if I left the coffee maker on, and then I worry about it.
Anything else? A.
D.
D.
Okay.
No, seriously.
I get distracted really easy.
I have problems finishing my work.
I procrastinate all the time.
I think that's called being a lazy-ass.
Hey, it's a disease.
All right.
What else have you got? Classic paranoia, separation anxiety, fear of abandonment, and a mild case of Tourette's.
Ass boobies! "Ass boobies"? I told you it's mild.
Okay, why is Danny's name marked off the guest list? Oh, he called yesterday.
He's not coming.
What? He's not coming to dad's wedding? Did he say why? Perhaps because you have some unresolved issues.
Stop reading my books.
What do you care if he's not coming? You're going with Marco.
I don't care.
I'm just saying that dad's going to be really upset if Danny's not there.
Oh, dad's gonna be upset.
Yeah, dad's gonna be upset.
You know what? I'm just -- whatever.
Ass boobies.
Okay, Grace, I'm sending you the document right now.
Please make the corrections and then e-mail it right back to me, and then I'm gonna need you to -- Ginnie? Ginnie? Over.
You know what, Grace? I'm gonna have to call you back.
Okay.
Yes, Bob? Did you need anything else from the kitchen? - No.
- Over.
No, just the sandwich.
And please stop saying "over.
" 10-4, good buddy.
Over.
I've got chicken-salad sandwich.
I've got BLT.
I've got cheese toasty.
Which one? Okay, Bob, please, please stop.
I'm trying to help here.
You know how you can help? You can turn back time so that the baby's safe and make it so that I can go to my father's wedding.
Well, I can't turn back time.
But I could get a big bed and put big wheels on it, and we can wheel you into the ceremony.
Oh, you'd be like a float in a parade.
Bob, you can't fix this, okay? This is unfixable.
So, please, just let me have this problem.
Let me be free to have it.
All right.
I'll take the chicken salad.
I kind of wanted that one.
So, who do you think our characters should be? I don't want characters.
Doesn't that seem kind of desperate or something? I mean -- I'm sorry.
Kasnov was right.
This -- this is a total waste of time.
Look where the camera is.
We're barely in the shot.
Yeah, but it's still kind of cool.
I mean, I saw Steve Buscemi eating a doughnut.
Hey, Tarzan, do you think you could say, "the bran muffins are half-off"? The bran muffins are half-off.
Perfect.
Get him into makeup.
That's okay.
I'll be fine.
Annie.
Hey, you.
Wow, that was insanely chipper.
What are you doing here? Why aren't you coming to my dad's wedding? You really need to ask me that? It's because of me and because the last time we saw each other -- because Marco, Megan, and our big fight.
Look, Annie, I went back and forth on this for a long time.
I don't want to ruin your dad's wedding for you or for your dad.
I don't want it to be weird.
And I appreciate that, but it's never going to be not weird unless we make a decision to, you know, stop the weirdness.
Stop the weirdness? Yeah.
I mean, I don't understand why there's weirdness at all between us.
We're over.
You have Megan, and I have Marco.
What better way to learn how to be okay with the fact that we're both with other people now than at a place with an open bar? Okay.
If you insist, yeah, we'll come on saturday.
Good.
Thank you.
Okay.
Let's hope the wedding's less awkward than that hug was.
He should have said no.
I would have said no.
You don't just ditch your girlfriend like that.
Right, that's what you're upset about.
What that's supposed to mean? It means you would have done the same thing if you were him.
You're just jealous that he got picked and you didn't.
I am not jealous.
It's okay if you're jealous, Rose.
He did get a line in a movie.
About bran muffins.
And I'm not.
I care about him.
I want him to succeed.
Yeah, I care about Ginnie, and I want her to succeed, but sometimes when I look at this loft, I want to burn it down.
That's lovely.
I don't want you in it when I do it.
Well, see that? It's possible to care about someone and still be jealous at the same time.
Hey.
How's the little one? Oh, good.
How'd it go with Danny? Oh, well, I convinced him to come to the wedding.
That's good.
Yeah, and then I was like, "what the hell did I just do?" I mean, now he's coming to the wedding, and I'm gonna be at the wedding, and Megan's gonna be at the wedding.
And I told him it's not gonna be weird, but it's gonna be weird.
You forgot about Marco.
Marco's gonna be at the wedding.
Shut up.
Aye.
I'm not gonna be at the wedding.
Oh, honey, should we not talk about this in front of you? No, no, no, it's fine.
It's just -- Hey, at least I get to kick in 2 grand for the honeymoon.
Don't take it out on the honeymoon.
I'm sorry.
I'm just sad.
And then Bob just keeps trying to fix everything and I just - You just want to be sad.
- Exactly.
- Men.
- I know.
What have they ever done for us? Except give us hours of -- you know.
Rose.
Hours? Well, an hour, at least.
- I hate you.
- Lucky bitch.
- An hour? - Mm-hmm.
Who goes? An hour? Sorry.
Did I startle you? A little bit.
You have a crazed look about you.
Is it the crazed look of a man who's about to give his wife a very special present? Or a man who's about to kill his wife with an ax.
That was funny.
Guess what I did.
Please tell me you didn't buy me one of those wheel-able beds.
Even better.
Ta-da! Say hello to Ginnie, Ginnie.
"Hello, Ginnie!" Wow.
Yeah.
It's brilliant, isn't it? Please tell me you're not gonna wear this thing to the wedding.
Darling, it's not a thing.
It's a webcam.
Now you will get to experience your father's nuptials in live stereo -- well, not really stereo because the microphone's a bit wonky and the pitch is a bit crappy.
But it's the next best thing to actually being there, isn't it? It's great! I don't know what to say.
Say I'm the best husband ever in the whole, wide world.
Say that I am the fixer of problems.
But, Bob, I told you I didn't want you to fix my problem.
Look, honey, I appreciate your trying to help.
I really do.
But no amount of webcams and wheel-able beds is going to change the fact that this thing has happened to me and I am going to miss one of the most important moment of my family's life.
And I'm sorry if I'm not excited about a wonky webcam, 'cause right now I'm trying to keep myself from going insane.
All right, I'm -- I'm sorry.
I've taped the instructions on the computer, all right? So, if you change your mind I'll get out of here, all right? Hi.
Ann's almost ready.
She's -- oh, my god! What, do I got mustard on me or something? The tie.
What? What's wrong with my tie? My grandma gave it to me.
Really? Did she hate you? Come on.
This is classy.
This is plaid.
Yeah.
Uh, you know, Ann went through an unfortunate period where she thought she was Annie Hall or Avril Lavigne.
Anyway, I think there's a tie over in the closet.
Why don't I go get that for you? Can you get that? It's Rose.
- Hey.
- Hey.
That's a neat tie.
Yeah? Thanks.
Oh, thank god you're changing that.
Marjee, don't forget dad and Renee's present.
I didn't forget -- I forgot it.
What else do I need? Hey, you.
Hey, you.
God, will you just have sex already? - Can you take these? - Yeah.
Okay, you are going to walk down the aisle with Bob now that Ginnie's not coming, and then me and you, and then Patrick's gonna walk down with Renee.
Why can't I walk with Bob? 'Cause your legs are too short.
Oh, remind me to get Ginnie a centerpiece.
She wanted to see the flowers up close.
Okay.
Bob.
Bob! Sorry.
Wow.
Aren't you supposed to be in bed? Aren't you supposed to be at church? Hey.
What are you guys doing here? How could we get married without you there? Oh, dad, you postponed the wedding? We're getting married here today with you.
- You are? - Yeah.
Oh.
It was all Bob's idea.
It was? You're not mad, are you? No, I'm not mad.
No? You did it.
You fixed something.
I think I did.
All right, Ginnie, I know this is your apartment, and I know that you're a control freak, but I am not going to do this unless you agree I'm in charge.
Look, I've been planning this thing for a month, so it's my way or the highway.
- I can help.
- Ginnie, no.
Okay.
You're in charge.
Okay.
Okay.
How the hell am I gonna pull this off? Yeah, all that stuff goes downstairs.
That -- I guess put it -- yeah, on the table.
You did an amazing thing here.
You made her happy.
You should feel good.
I do.
I do.
I thought I would.
But I just feel completely helpless still, you know.
You go to bed.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Come on.
Yeah, I get that.
Of course.
I can't believe you guys did all this for me.
Yeah, yeah, it's great.
Come on, zip me up.
Whose legs are shorter -- mine or Ann's? The heels help.
It's gonna be such a beautiful wedding.
Oh, I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
I'm better.
No, it's okay.
I think we're all a little emotional right now.
Should we give dad and Renee the big honeymoon gift? Shut up.
No, stop.
We're doing it after the ceremony, during the toast.
Do I look fat in this dress? I look like a stuffed sausage, don't I? More like one of those hot dogs.
That plumps when you cook it.
Oh, at least you stopped crying.
Ready or not, here I come! - Oh - Renee, you look so -- It's perfect.
Thank you.
I'm so nervous.
Don't be.
Knock knock.
Oh, Patrick.
Hi, mom.
Hi.
I want you to meet someone.
You must be Roger.
My son-in-law.
We're not -- we're not married.
I know, and believe me, I look forward to the day when people understand that freedom means freedom for everybody.
No, not because it's not legal.
We're just not quite there yet.
Actually, we have a present we would like to give you from both of us.
Is it all right if Joe sees the bride? Dad, come here.
What? Is this allowed? Yeah.
- Yeah? - Yeah.
Wow.
Wow.
Dad, Patrick and Roger have a gift for you.
Who? Patrick and his, um -- We use the word "boyfriend.
" No, I know.
W-- okay, I work with trannies.
Oh.
Yeah, we're not trannies.
I know.
I'm just saying that, you know, I'm cool.
Yeah, you are.
So, um, we would like to give you, as our wedding present, an all-expenses-paid honeymoon to come to our Bed-and-Breakfast in beautiful, picturesque Cape Cod.
Ahh! Did you hear that, Joe? A honeymoon! That is too much.
No, no.
Marjee, I don't think now is the time to give our gift.
- Shut up.
- Okay.
Hey.
Thank you.
Hey.
So, you got the message? Yeah.
Well, this is, uh, Sorelli-esque.
I know.
We're freaks.
Endearing, family-oriented freaks.
How can I help? Well, the caterer just left a whole bunch of stuff in the kitchen.
I can certainly help with that.
So, where's Megan? Uh, she's, uh -- she's not coming.
Is she sick? No, we broke up.
Oh, I'm so sorry.
No, no, it's fine, really.
What happened? You know what? I would rather not talk about this.
Okay.
But it's fun to come to a wedding on the day you break up with someone.
It's good to be reminded of your failures.
Where's Marco? Uh, he's Yes.
How could I have missed him? We knew this was gonna be a little weird.
Look, at least no Megan, right? So it should be a quarter less weird.
I'm sorry.
Thanks for coming.
Sure.
Who the hell does he think he is? Do I even want to know? Patrick.
Look at him over there, moving those flowers all innocent.
And how dare he undermine the gift that I spent a solid month planning for? Marjee, he didn't know we were going to give them a honeymoon.
Whatever.
He thinks he's so great just 'cause he's gay and he restored a historic lighthouse and he helps housebound seniors in his spare time.
So freakin' what? It's like, "shut up about it already!" You do know that we could still give dad and Renee our present? It's not that big of a deal.
No, it's completely ruined now.
It's just a crappy Disney cruise.
It's not two weeks on Cape Cod with your long-lost son.
What do we have going for us? The daily shrimp buffet? Hmm? The possibility that they might get that stomach flu that everybody always gets on cruise ships? Two weeks with Mickey -- some people might like that.
Don't you think that you're being a little -- oh, god, what's the clinical word for it? Um, insane? The guy just wants to get to know his mom.
He spent 27 years without ever meeting her.
Okay.
How many times does he get to play the birth-mom card? To be fair, this is his first.
You agree with me, right? He can't be trusted, that he's looking to come in here like some kind of usurper.
Good word.
Thank you.
I don't know.
I've never even met Patrick.
He looks harmless enough.
You know, I never did like you.
Hey.
Oh, hey.
You look amazing.
Thanks.
You too.
How was the movie shoot yesterday? Oh, it was good.
What happened to you? That's an interesting story.
When you got plucked from obscurity, I got dragged back to a warehouse with a broken heater and a single bottle of water for all the extras to share.
I got the last sip.
Oh, I'm sorry.
I have to take this.
It's Lisa.
The director.
Hello? No, no, no, this isn't a bad time.
What? I -- I just thought they'd look better over there.
Really? So you were just gonna move these flowers, all willy-nilly? Not even gonna take into consideration that somebody else here may have had plans for these flowers, plans that you thought you could just usurp? Is this some kind of theater exercise? I'm not the theater sister, Patrick.
I'm the unemployed screw-up.
I mean, my god, at least have the decency to know what it is that we do.
- Did I offend you somehow? - Yes, actually.
- Stay out of it, Ann.
- Okay, what's going on? Marjee is just a little bit upset because we had this whole honeymoon surprise planned for dad and Renee, and then you came in with your surprise -- And I ruined the whole thing.
Not that we think you did it on purpose.
- Yeah but -- - Zip it.
All right, um, why don't I just talk to Renee? I will tell her we'll do it another time, like in the summer.
If you wouldn't mind, that would be wonderful.
Wouldn't that be wonderful, Marjee? I guess.
Good.
Can I go now? Yes, you can go.
Thank you, Patrick.
Feel better now? Maybe.
So no more acting like an ass booby.
- No.
- Okay.
Try club soda.
It's silk.
How do you know? It's mine.
I just hurt.
Does that feel good? Hi.
- I just want to, um -- - Wait a second.
I know that look.
He's a runner.
We got a runner on our hands.
What? No, Marjee, I'm not running.
I just want to share something with you girls.
All right, uh, your mother wrote you a letter before she -- you know.
And, um, she wanted me to give it to you girls if, um -- and, according to her, when -- I ever got married again.
I think she thought it was gonna be a little bit sooner than it is, but uh here it goes.
I'll do it.
"My sweet girls today is your father's wedding day, and I'm sure a lot has changed.
Ginnie, I bet you're in college by now, and I hope you're -- And I hope you're taking the time to have a little bit of fun in between all of those A's.
Ann, you probably got your braces off, and I hope you're wearing your retainer.
Just remember to take it off before you kiss any boys.
Marjee, don't kiss too many boys, and try to get a few A's in between all that fun.
And, Rose, I know I'll always be your first mom, but give the new one a chance, okay? And take a few chances on yourself along the way.
I believe in you.
" You are such a wimp.
"I want you all to know that your father moving on is exactly what I want for him because I've moved on, too.
And whoever she is, if your dad loves her, then I know she can't be too bad.
And if her lasagna isn't as good as mine, go easy on her, and if it's better, I don't want to know.
Just remember, no matter what, I will always love you girls.
Xxoxo, mom.
" Okay.
Let's go.
Let's get married.
What the hell is taking Patrick and Renee so long? It's like he thinks its his wedding or something.
Marjee, he can't get married.
So, listen, about the honeymoon -- I was thinking maybe we could do it this summer instead.
Oh, okay.
If that's what you want.
And I was also thinking, um, if you guys like it on the Cape, um, maybe you could stay longer, and we could get to know each other, and Joe could help out with the food.
God knows we could use his expertise at the "B" and "B.
" Joe is always saying what a headache it is to run the deli these days.
"Let's retire and go somewhere else and see another side of life.
" I think that's a wonderful idea.
I think Joe's gonna love it.
Well, we should probably get out there.
Go, go, go, go.
We are gathered here today to celebrate the joining together of Joe and Renee in the holy bonds of matrimony.
Who gives this woman to be married to this man? Her son.
Joe, will you have this woman to be your wedded wife? I will.
Renee, will you have this man to be your wedded husband? I will.
I pronounce you husband and wife.
Joe, you may kiss your bride.
I'm glad I came.
It wouldn't have felt right if I didn't.
I'm glad you came, too.
Hey.
Hey.
Uh, I'm gonna get a drink.
That was a nice ceremony, wasn't it? Even though Renee quoted "Family Circus" in her vows.
Look, I'm gonna get going, okay? What do you mean? It was a wonderful wedding, and tell them congratulations for me.
You're really leaving? Yeah.
Why? I think we both know why.
Is this because of what just happened, because I had my hand on his arm? 'Cause that didn't mean anything.
No, it's because every time I turn around, you guys are staring into each other's eyes.
It's because I have to keep pulling you away from him.
I showed up wearing the guy's tie.
I didn't give you that tie.
Give this back to him for me, would you? Okay, wait a minute.
This is crazy.
You can't just leave like this.
Goodbye, Annabel.
Dad, Renee, can we talk to you for a second? Okay, here's the deal.
We got you a Disney cruise for your honeymoon! Oh, my god, Disney! What? Disney? Yes.
You're happy.
Okay.
Here's the problem.
The thing is that the wedding was supposed to be over by now, but since we had to move it, now you guys are running a little bit late, so Can I say goodbye to the guests? Dad, seriously.
Excuse me, everybody.
Apparently, Renee and I have to rush off, thanks to my daughters.
And I want to thank you from the bottom of my heart.
Yay! This was a fantastic day Okay, dad, you're really very late.
How late? You got to pack, and you've got to get to newark by 9:00, or you're gonna miss your flight, so come on! Go! I'm so excited.
Bye, everybody! Oh! Throw it.
Here, here, here.
What you doing? Can I call you back? - Hey.
- Hey.
So, how come every time I see you, you're on your cellphone? Oh, I'm sorry.
I had a couple of calls to make.
Right.
So if I call you on your cellphone, then we can talk.
Rose, I'm leaving.
Why? We haven't even danced yet.
No, I'm leaving New York.
The director, Lisa -- she says I have it.
What? "It.
" You know, "it" -- like Tom Cruise or the irish guy.
- Pierce Brosnan.
- No, no, no.
Sean Connery.
No, he's scottish.
The guy from "S.
W.
A.
T.
" I haven't seen that film.
It doesn't matter.
Do you mean Colin Farrell? Yeah, him.
She says I'm like a young him, only blond and taller and American.
Yeah, that's completely different.
Well, it doesn't matter.
Look she set me up with an agent in California.
I don't understand.
I mean, what about school? What about school? I just told you.
I got an agent.
I don't need school.
So, when are you leaving? Monday.
They're flying me out there business class.
How long you staying? As long as it takes.
Why didn't you tell me sooner? I don't know.
It's 'cause you're breaking up with me, isn't it? Rose, this whole thing is so new.
I don't think we should pretend we're gonna do some kind of long-distance thing.
I shared one of the most important moments of my life with you, and you're dumping me the second you have even the possibility of success? No, it's not like that.
Then what's it like? Look, Rose, we still have the next two days together.
Let's not waste them.
I wasted the last two months with you.
Just go.
Go.
Hey.
Pigs in a blanket.
Yeah, I don't care.
Okay.
I'm not gonna let you get away with this, Patrick.
Get away with what exactly? You're trying to take my father away from me, from all of us, and I'm not gonna let you do that.
Is that what you think? I know what I heard.
God, you're almost as messed up as me.
Maybe more.
It doesn't matter.
I am not gonna let you get away with this.
Okay, can I just say this first? My parents, the ones who adopted me -- they threw me out of the house when I came out of the closet.
I was 17.
They haven't spoken to me since.
So, here it is 10 years later, and I finally meet my mom.
And it turns out she loves me and wants to get to know me and be near me.
And that is so weird to me that sometimes I can't believe it.
So, yeah, maybe I went a little overboard asking them to move away from you and be near me, but tell me you wouldn't do anything you could to be with your mom again if you had the chance.
I mean, I get it.
He's your dad.
But she's my mom.
I mean, can't we -- I don't know -- share them? I guess that could be arranged.
Really? I'm a sucker for the birth-mom card.
Don't use it again.
Try those.
They're good.
You okay? Have you seen Danny? Oh, right.
He wanted me to tell you goodbye.
He got a call from Megan.
From Megan? Yeah, he kind of rushed out of here.
Are you okay? Yeah, I'm fine.
What are you doing here? Where's Marco? He went home.
Where's Megan? I don't know.
I thought you left to go and see her.
Sort of.
She called from the restaurant.
The freezer broke.
It almost flooded the place.
Sorry.
That's terrible.
Yeah, I can tell you're concerned.
Well, it's just that I thought that you left to be with her.
Cause Forget it.
Annie you want to know what I'm doing here?