Rita Rocks (2008) s01e13 Episode Script

Hey, Mom.
Hey, Shan.
How was school today? Besides the random and senseless cruelty of other children? I hate fractions.
Yeah.
One-third of me totally gets that.
Oh, honey, I talked to Tori's mom.
She said you guys are doing Sound of Music for your school play.
What part are you gonna audition for? Um, audience member.
But you love to sing.
Why don't you go for it? I don't know.
There's a lot of talented kids.
I probably won't even get picked.
Well, you don't know until you try.
I mean, I could help you.
I am a musician.
Some say I have a beautiful and melodic voice.
JAY: Rita! Is my tea ready? (shouting harshly): In a minute! I love it when your father gets sick.
'Cause I'm just not busy enough.
(playing "Guitar Hero") Watch out.
Here comes the solo.
Oh, star power! Hey, guys Guys, I still have to go to the pharmacy and gas up the car.
Do you mind cleaning up the kitchen for me? Oh, I'm smoking you.
Look at my score.
Look at my score right now.
(yells) Hello? Did I mention there's a dead man in our driveway? Yeah, shot him myself.
That's what I do when I'm through with my lovers.
Bright futures, both of you.
Okay, here we are.
Oh, thank God, honey.
Everything on me is either throbbing or leaking.
Always the poet, you.
Honey, I think I may have avascular necrosis.
Okay, you need to stop watching House.
You have a cold.
I squeezed out two kids, and both times I was grocery shopping the next week.
(sneezes) Oh, can you get the other tissues? These ones don't have the lotion.
Anything else, Rambo? Honey, will you tell Hallie and Kip to knock off that video game? I want to take a nap.
Kip! Hallie! Knock it off! Thank you, honey, but next time, not so loud.
I have a headache.
Honey, I love you, but I'm gonna love you even more when you go back to work so I can get back to my regular stressful life.
(sneezes) Oh, no! RITA ROCKS PRODUCTIONS, LLC (sighs) I'm sorry, honey.
I really wish I could stay here and take care of you, but I got to catch up on all the work I missed.
I got this big presentation tomorrow.
Oh, that's my reward for taking care of you all week.
A Sunday sick bed.
(sneezes) Mine is truly a fairy tale marriage.
Okay, you know, I'm gonna let that one slide 'cause you're cranky and sick and puffy and greasy.
All right, honey, you know what? I'll pick up your favorite chicken soup from Lenny's Deli on my way home.
Nothing like a four-hour wait for cold soup to make a gal feel special.
I'm hungry.
Honey, can you make her something before you go? Of course.
What do you want? You're the dad.
Make a decision.
What do we got? Never mind.
I'll just do it.
Honey, no, don't.
You're sick.
No.
I'm a mom.
I'm not allowed to be sick.
I don't know how I forgot that.
Oh.
You're amazing.
Yes, and so are you in some way we're gonna discover, you know, down the road.
One turkey and cheese sandwich, and one mom sweating so bad she's gonna pass out if she doesn't sit down.
Mmm! You make the best sandwiches.
Those words will be carved on my headstone.
Which I'll probably have to climb out and keep cleaning myself.
Hey! Patty made soup.
Guaranteed to grab a nasty cold and kick its ugly butt.
She said, "Butt.
" All right, you, eat.
Okay, one bowl of this stuff, you'll flat line for six hours, you'll wake up good to go.
And it's legal.
Mostly.
I can't afford to flatline.
Hallie's not here, and Jay's at work.
Someone has to watch Shannon.
Oh, well, if you're stuck, I'd be happy to take the little one for the day.
You're not a whiner, are you? No, I'm delightful.
Are you sure? Because a coma sounds really good to me right now.
Oh, come on, come on, climb into bed, and Nurse Patty will heat up the soup.
Oh, thank you so much.
Oh, you know what you could do? You could take her to the mall.
She needs a new backpack.
There's money in my purse.
Take whatever you need.
I'll be upstairs making snot.
Oh, goodness.
Okay, here we go.
Can we go to Build-a-Bear, the zoo and the water park? That's a lot.
I don't think so.
You know, you are prettier than Halle Berry.
Oh, you're good.
Oh, hey, Reet.
How's the cold? Hmm? Yeah, I know, it takes a couple of days to get over it, but you know, I was thinking.
As soon as you get better, we should have us some sex.
Do you realize it's been three weeks? Three weeks.
That's a long time.
(gasps) That's never gonna happen.
What's not gonna happen? Nothing.
Nothing.
Hey, honey, how are you? You look great.
You feeling better? Yes.
Okay, Patty, I don't care if you boiled your feet in that soup.
That stuff is amazing.
Thank you so much, and thank you for taking Shannon to the mall.
And you are the best thing that's ever happened to me.
I just love, love, love you! Hey, hey, hey! No, it's a different kind of love, Jay.
Not like ours, which involves complacency and a little contempt.
Hmm.
Mrs.
Clemens, are you trying to seduce me? (laughs) All right, I'm gonna hit the road.
I had a beautiful day, little one.
Ooh! (laughs) Oh, my gosh, look at you.
You look adorable! Patty took me to her hair salon.
I wanted corn rows, but she said we didn't have 13 hours.
Oh! She reminds me of myself when I was her age.
I was equally adorable.
Bye.
Well, let's check out your new backpack.
Oh.
Inspected by number 502.
He's good.
He did my shoes.
Look what else she got me.
We made this little bear together.
I named her Patty.
Oh! Jay! Oh! This cool hair clip.
Uh-uh.
A charm bracelet.
Is Patty the best, or what? And this! My first bra! A bra? Isn't it so cool? I'm gonna go try it on.
Well, that's Patty overstepping her bounds just a little bit.
Don't you think? What? I mean, it looked like a tiny little tank top, if that makes you feel any better.
Well, it's supposed to.
It's a training bra.
Yeah, see, I never got the whole training bra thing.
Okay, do they just, like, grow wild without it, or? What?! I am outraged at Patty.
I mean, I remember when I bought Hallie her first bra.
You know, we went out to lunch.
Got our nails done.
It was a whole mother-daughter bonding thing.
Look, I'm sure Patty didn't mean to upset you.
Just talk to her.
I can't.
After all she's did for me? I don't want to offend her.
Although, she did betray me.
And I think she ate one of our apples.
Really? You think? Okay, maybe I will.
(laughs) You're funny.
Bye.
Who were you talking to, sweetie? Tori? Nah.
It was Patty.
Oh, uh, oh, what were you guys talking about? Nothing.
Just the school play.
I'm thinking about doing it.
Oh.
What changed your mind? Patty said I should go for it.
(laughing): Oh.
Well, that's funny.
That's-That exactly what I said to you.
Really? Yeah.
Yeah.
No, I remember, 'cause I was actually standing right here, right in this spot.
I don't remember.
I wonder what Patty's favorite color is.
It's, uh it's blue.
I'm surprised you don't know that since you're obviously new BFFs.
RITA: Hey, Patty.
Hey.
I wanted to pay you for that stuff you got Shannon.
Oh, no.
You already paid me.
No, no, that was for the backpack.
I wanted to pay you for the bear, the bracelet, and the the bra.
Yeah.
All wonderful, wonderful surprises.
Oh, no, no.
Come on! But how cute was her little bra? Huh? Huh? Huh?! Freaking cute.
(laughs) Yeah, she was so excited.
You know, seeing as how it was her first item of that nature.
Very, very first.
I'm so glad she likes it.
And I'm always gonna remember that I gave it to her.
We both will.
Oh, by the way, did Shannon tell you I called? Yes.
Yes.
She did, yeah.
She said you guys talked about the school play.
Oh, yeah.
I told her to go for it.
(laughing): It's hilarious.
'Cause I told her the exact same thing many hours before.
Great.
We're all on the same page.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
My page.
Hey, Mom, look at this picture I drew.
Oh, that's so sweet.
Thank you.
It's for Patty.
Not your best work.
(rock music playing on TV) Dad, Dad, you're kind of in the way.
Kind of in the way.
You guys mind if I sit in? That's-That's musician talk.
I learned it from a musician Well, your mom, actually.
(music stops) You want to play with us? Yeah.
I mean, you know, I'd like to try.
I think it's cool.
See? Fine, be a sad old man.
Let's do this.
You ready? Give it a try.
One, two, three.
(rock music begins playing) Dude you're good.
Like, freakishly.
He's like that kid, Leonard, from school.
He got held back five times, but he could recite pi to the 177th decimal.
Idiot savant? No, his last name is Jefferson.
The important thing is what you're saying is not everybody's good their first time? Eh (grunts) Hah! Hah! Hah! (music stops) Go again? Sure.
Yeah.
You ready? Uh-huh.
All right, go.
(rock music begins playing) Oh! You're gonna give me a run for my money.
(laughs): Oh, yeah! Oh, God.
I think we should have another baby.
That's funny, because earlier, I was thinking about cutting off my hand, and we shouldn't do either of those.
Think about it.
A baby with his little chubby cheeks and he's got that new person smell.
You always want to have a baby when you walk by the Baby Gap, or you see a newborn, or you think the kids are growing up too fast This is about Patty buying Shannon the bra.
You couldn't be more wrong if you were a billionaire and there was clearance sale on wrong.
That is just code for I'm right.
All right, fine, fine, but now it's different.
Now she's asking Patty for advice.
The same advice, by the way, that I gave her already.
But my advice was better.
I thought you said it was the exact same advice.
Now suddenly you listen to every word I say? Honey, look, every kid gets to an age where they'd rather go to other people than their parents.
Remember when Hallie would only confide in that hippie dance teacher with the dirty leotard? That's right.
Everything was like, "Rainbow said this" and "Rainbow said that.
" I never thought it was possible to hate a rainbow, and yet And Hallie came back and Shannon will, too.
I know it shouldn't bother me, but it does.
And I know I should be better than this, but I'm not.
Honey, this is all a part of growing up.
And I mean them, not you.
But you, too.
Mm.
Thank you, sweetie.
And we're off the baby thing, right? Please.
The colic, the sleepless nights, the endless poop.
Who needs it? But the babies are so cute when they're little.
The poop.
The poop.
The poop.
The poop.
Remember the poop.
Yes, yes, I'm sorry.
My ovaries just grabbed the wheel for a second.
(rock music playing) (music stops) Hey, Kipster.
Hey, man, I've been looking for you.
I was just hanging out.
You know, with people his own age.
Yeah, but we're tied three each, and this is the playoffs, man, so My hands are kind of sore from the four hours you made me play yesterday.
What are you, chicken? No, no, I You chicken? I-I (clucking) Okay, okay.
I'm going to go psych up.
All right, don't take too long.
This one's for you, Detroit.
I love ya! What am I gonna do? You know, you have to end it.
It's not healthy.
No.
He's gonna hate me.
You do it.
No, no, you are the one who led him on.
You just need to man up and get it over with.
No.
Yeah, come on, man up.
Yeah.
Do it.
Go, go, go.
All right.
All right.
Let's do this.
Listen we need to talk.
What's, uh, what's going on? I can't do this anymore.
What are you What are you What are you talking about? It's not you.
It's me.
I'm just really messed up with school right now, and-and my game is totally unfocused.
Honestly? You deserve better.
I thought we were having fun? We were.
Ah, we did.
We had a lot of fun.
But now it's time to move on.
Just so you know, the only reason I started playing was to be nice.
You can have your dumb game back.
How did he take it? He's gonna need some time.
Okay, here's your note.
(playing note) Do Do Do, re, mi, fa, so, la, ti, do.
That's so good! Good job.
What's going on in here? Yeah, I'm just helping her out for her audition at school.
Oh, well, I'll just go ahead and do laundry.
I wouldn't want to interrupt you and and Aunt Patty.
Okay, breath control.
Now, you have great pitch, but I want you to support those notes, okay? You're such a good teacher, Patty.
I bet I do get a part in the play.
(laughs): That's so funny, 'cause that's that's what I said to you.
Remember, originally, like, pre-Patty? As you were.
Okay, let's do it together, okay? Here's the note: do.
BOTH: Do, re, mi, fa Excuse me.
So, la, ti, do Do, re, mi, fa RITA: So sorry.
What are you looking for up there? Can't it wait? No, no, I just got to get something I need.
For what? For, uh, for laundry.
What could you possibly need up there to do laundry? Um, I need, uh, I-I need this.
It's my it's my laundry hat.
What's a laundry hat? This.
Okay, let's take it down here.
We're going to start with putting your hands on your belly, and you're going to push those notes all the way through your stomach, like a dog, though, you're going to pant.
BOTH (breathlessly): Do, re, mi, fa, so, la, ti (dryer humming loudly) (over dryer): Let's take a break! What?! (dryer stops) Let's take a break.
Can I have a cookie? Yes.
No.
What Rudolph said.
What in the hell is going on? I'm just laundry.
You know, what, your gardening clogs never get dirty? Do you have a problem with me helping Shannon? No, no, I'm just here, you know, washing Shannon's very first bra.
You know, the one you bought her.
The one that I probably should've bought her, seeing as how I'm her mother and all.
You never said you had a problem with it.
Well, I think I might.
Okay, is there anything else while we're here? No.
No.
Okay.
Y-Yes, yes.
Yes.
The singing and the school play and I should be doing all this.
I'm just trying to help you out.
I know.
And I had no idea you weren't cool with it.
I know.
Then why are you mad at me? I'm not.
Then who are you mad at? I don't know.
Then you are insane! Yes, I am! All right, all right.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
It's just I love the fact that Shannon loves you.
I just I got a little jealous.
Okay, you know what, if I took it too far with Shannon, I'm sorry.
Okay, I just I never had a little girl of my own, and Rita, you have such a great kid there.
I do, don't I? I made her, you know.
Oh, thank you, Patty.
And you were so nice to me when I was sick.
Oh, you don't owe me an apology.
I know.
I'm not that sorry.
(laughs): All right.
Let me go get Shannon so you can finish your rehearsal.
Are you sure you don't have a problem with me teaching her? Yeah, totally.
Are you lying? Mostly not.
Hey, I thought I said no cookies.
This is a cupcake.
Nice try.
Okay, Patty's waiting for you to finish rehearsal.
Okay.
Hey, Shannon? I just want to tell you that that I'm real proud of you for working so hard and I hope you get a part in The Sound of Music.
So do I.
'Cause there's this boy named Jordan who's up for the part of the Nazi.
Sounds charming.
And I really like him.
Oh, that's so sweet! Oh! Jordan! Oh, that's the perfect name for a first crush.
I want him to like me, too, but I don't know how.
Well, what did Patty tell you to do? I wouldn't tell Patty something like that.
I mean, I like her and all, but she's not my mom.
No no, she is not.
(kissing sounds) Okay.
I got to go back to the garage.
Hey, when I'm done, can we talk about Jordan some more? If that's what you would like to do, me and the cupcakes will be waiting.
She likes me mo-re She likes me mo-re She likes me mo-re She likes me mo-re, she likes me Captioned by Media