Samantha Who? s01e13 Episode Script

Every day, the world sends you messages.
Signals.
Some of those signals are easy.
A store is having a sale.
Return address labels will cure cancer.
We will shut off your phone.
But some signals are harder to read.
"Hey.
" "Hey.
" Hey, I miss you and I'd love to see you at my show.
Hey, come to the show.
Let's make Chloe jealous.
Hey ! I'm having a show.
Do not come.
Hey, I ordered too many invitations, and I'm sending them to everybody I know.
Hey, have a good summer ! I hope we have classes next year ! Hey, ever since I got hit by a car, I talk to myself an awful lot.
How long have you been there ? I watch you sometimes.
You have a head injury.
I worry.
- All right, should I go ? - Sweetheart, you can't go.
No.
Thank you.
You're right.
I am not going.
But you have to go.
Your brain damage is a little bit different than mine, isn't it ? What signal do you want to send ? If you don't, it says, "I'm not over you and can't bear to see you with Chloe.
" If you go, it says, "I'm not over you but can't bear to be apart.
" What if he's found with this crammed down his throat ? - Don't do that, I need the address.
- What ? You're going ? Hey, I didn't sleep with him.
God, I cannot believe that he has dumped this in my lap.
I'm not gonna go.
And just so there's no confusion of the signal that I'm sending, I'm going to go tell him face to face I'm not going because I have moved on and I have better things to do that night ! Hey.
What the hell is that supposed to mean ? So is he coming down or what ? Here, call him again.
Because for some reason I'm not welcome into the apartment that I own.
Maybe because you tried to destroy his relationship with Chloe.
I don't know, I'm not a mind reader.
Oh, did I tell you ? He invited me to his gallery show ! He invited me too.
But sadly, I teach comedy traffic school that night.
Well, you know what ? I'm not going either.
I don't care if he begs me.
And I don't care what it says to anyone, because I've moved on, and I am A-OK.
- Or maybe you love him.
- Stop it ! Shut up ! - Why do you do that ? - They won't let me listen to the radio.
You ! - Hey, Sam.
What's up ? - Hey.
I got your little invitation challenge to your show.
Yeah, about that um Chloe kind of found out I sent you an invitation and strongly suggested you don't come.
- Chloe did ? - Yeah.
She just kind of thinks that the feelings might be a little raw still.
I don't know.
And that maybe you're not over me.
Over you ? I am so over you.
Yeah.
No, I'm actually gonna be at your little show with a date.
A date ? Oh, I'm sorry, that I haven't filled you in on all the details of my life, but, while I was so busy getting over you, I actually met someone, and it has turned into something real.
And his name is Rance, and he's very comfortable with himself, and he has nothing to prove.
So I will see you at the shi-zow.
OK ? - "Rance" ? - I know ! Oh, I'm so stupid.
I'll tell him Rance got called into surgery and can't go.
- Oh, he's a doctor now.
- Yes, he's a doctor.
And now I am going to the show alone.
Alone ? Why don't you just go with a million cats ? - Maybe I will.
- You won't catch me at an art show.
I don't like art.
Makes me feel things.
I don't like to feel things.
You're feeling things right now.
Excuse me.
I'm the boyfriend.
Deal with it.
God, as my boss, there's got to be some kind of line he's crossing here, right ? - It's not happening if you don't look.
- Like poverty.
You know what ? I can do this.
I can do this.
Because, you know, I'm attractive.
Right ? All this, you know, up in here.
- I could get a guy by tomorrow.
- A hot guy.
Right.
A hot guy.
A hot guy.
"Check it out, dude, I'm bringing a hot guy to your gallery show.
" A hot guy will seem like you're trying to make Todd jealous.
Loser guy.
I'm bringing a loser guy to the gallery show.
No.
If I see a hot chick with a loser guy, it's like she's saying, "Hey.
Hey, check me out.
Try me, I'm gettable.
" - I'm right in there.
- I'd kill her.
Look at me.
I will.
Mm.
Come here, breakfast.
And there goes mine.
Oh, look, there's a hot guy.
Trip him.
I don't want to have a hot guy.
I want a non-threatening, but not pathetic, perfectly average run-of-the-mill Rance.
That's why we're going to a bookstore.
Once inside, look for a guy who's buying Marley & Me.
That means he's got a soul.
Or a boyfriend.
Look, you do not need to cruise a bookstore for a date.
Go with this guy I know, the most vicious art critic in Chicago.
- It will destroy Todd.
- I don't want to destroy Todd.
Well, then I'm lost here.
It's OK, Andrea.
You know, I'm probably just better at this because, you know, I'm in a relationship and you're not.
And, you know, it's kind of a give and take OK.
Ooh.
Ooh.
Ooh ! - Excuse me, could you reach this ? - I don't work here.
Well, that's too bad because it was a book on manners ! What ? Carry on.
So, what are you reading ? "Controlling Your Anger.
" Step one, don't look at the prices in this place.
Am I right ? Am I right ? Oh, excuse me, miss.
Miss ? Hi.
Can you just put that back ? Please.
- Why ? Do you want it ? - No, I just Can you put it back ? You're not buying it, you're just spending some quality time with it ? Look, as a favor to me, can you just put it back ? Oh, to you ? Well, if it's for you, after all you've done for me.
- Just Can you just give it to me ? - Hey, do not grab ! - Oh, do not push.
- Oh, I just did.
She the one who started it ! She's the Oh, forget it ! Nobody reads anymore anyway ! This place is going to be a yogurt shop in two months ! Damn it ! Come on.
Damn it.
If you're trying to break into this car, you're drawing a lot of attention.
Anyone can get in with a key.
I like to give myself a challenge.
Yeah, but that's not going to work.
You've got that thingy bent all wrong.
You just said "thingy.
" You're disqualified.
I don't want to sound sexist, but you're in my sandbox here.
OK, here we go.
Almost got it.
- Almost got it.
- Got it.
Do you like photography ? Look at all these city people here at Todd's show.
I'll bet someone in here's a bisexual.
- These photos are not good.
- Shh ! Howard ! What would you know ? The only pictures you like are the ones on the menu that help you order.
What about that one ? Oh, I should have left you in the car.
Art should challenge you.
If I'm going to pay $12 for parking, art should make me think.
I'm not thinking, Regina ! Well, don't let that stop you from talking.
- Hey.
- Hey.
Good.
You're here.
Do I look OK ? Your message was a little confusing.
I haven't been to many art shows, but I've never heard of casual average.
Yeah.
No, it's good.
It's good.
You're not too dressed up, and the sweater, it's a little pilly.
It's perfect.
Perfect.
Let's go look at some art.
Todd ! Sam's here.
You told me you told her not to come.
- I did.
- Well, then, wha ? Can we not do this now ? I have a lot on my mind.
It is my first gallery show.
Baby, let's just get out of here.
Buildings.
Buildings.
Buildings.
OK, now we're talking.
Oh, well, sure you like that one.
- It's a naked woman.
- That's not why I like it.
There's an overall theme.
There's an intimacy to it.
That's what artists do.
They get models drunk, loosen their inhibitions and have sex.
You saw Titanic.
I don't like it because of the sex.
There's an idea, a point of view.
There's a mole.
That's our daughter.
Oh, my God ! Could you excuse me for one second ? Hey.
Great choice.
This is gonna kill Todd.
I don't want to kill Todd, all right ? Because if he's dead then he can't see how OK I am.
Well, meet Cameron.
The art critic I told you about.
- The vicious one ? - Yeah, this is gonna kill Todd.
- We're not killing Todd ! - This is not artisanal cheese.
You're mad.
Take it out on the photos.
This Craig looks familiar.
Do I know him ? - Oh, God.
Did you sleep with him ? - Oh, please.
He's wearing a Swatch.
- Where's Dena by the way ? - Oh, I don't know.
Oh, I gave her the address myself.
- Hello ? - It's limiting, confining ! This is art ! You are not a photograph.
Is this the Rawlston Gallery ? There is no freedom ! There are no choices ! This is art ! Andrea ! God.
I hope she didn't get lost.
- Hi.
- Oh, hey.
I spent five minutes trying to understand a picture called Coat Check, until I realized it was a sign for the coat check.
- Can I take your coat ? - Yeah, sure.
Thanks.
Oh, wait, wait, wait.
Just wait.
Now.
Oh, no, it's OK.
It's caught around my purse.
- It's OK.
I got it.
- I've got to get the purse.
- I Just let go.
Just relax.
- Just let go.
God, did you see her ankle bracelet ? What a whore.
I'm glad I slept with her boyfriend.
- You almost had to.
- I know, right ? - What ? - Hey ! Oh ! - Let go ! - You let go ! I just got that ! You are strong ! I thought you were older.
Older ? What ? Oh, crap.
Oh, I know ! I wanted to borrow that one.
This is not happening.
I brought a mugger to Todd's show ! Bad boys are hot.
It's going to kill Todd.
- Andrea, he might actually kill Todd.
- Just call the police.
Yeah, have them come arrest my new boyfriend, who I know so well.
No, I'm just gonna find him, get him out of here and then call the police.
This is gonna be hard to hear.
You're probably not having sex tonight.
I didn't tell you this because I thought you weren't going to come, but we are actually on a scavenger hunt.
The first thing we were to get was a cheap glass of wine from an art gallery, and now what we need to find is a policeman's cap.
So let's go.
Oh, hey, guys.
- Hey.
- Sam.
Todd, oh, my God, it's so crazy to see you.
- At my art show ? - We love it.
We love it ! The two of us.
Yeah.
Me and, uh, my lover.
Sam brought a date.
They're dating.
Really ? For how long ? Don't answer that.
You writing a book ? Hi.
You must be Rance.
- Ran - Rance Rance Crazy Pants.
Yep, that's what they call him down at the workplace.
- And where's that ? - No one knows.
- I manage a jazz club.
- Likely story.
- What ? - I likey story.
I likey.
I like it a lot.
My boyfriend.
Would you excuse us ? We're going to go and enjoy the art by the exit.
- "Rance" ? - Just ignore him.
Artists.
They've all got syphilis, makes them crazy.
Why am I the one explaining myself ? Did I do something wrong here ? I don't know, does this ring a bell ? We're not on a scavenger hunt, are we ? Three years ago, in the park, next to the Zebra Bar, you ripped one of these out of my hands ! So, what do you have to say about that ? It's possible.
OK, I need a minute because I only had something to say if you had said, "No, I did not.
" Just, um - Take your time.
- Yeah.
There is nothing new ! There is no innovation.
This is art ! I try to be nice to Andrea, I invite her to lunch with Sam at the Souplantation.
There are no possibilities ! There is no truth ! - This is - No ! No ! There's no truth because she's always lying ! There is no meaning ! There is no point Yeah ! Yeah, there's no point in trying to push me aside.
Because I have spent the last 20 years waiting to be friends with Sam again.
If Andrea thinks she's gonna get in between us, I will twist her head off like a bottle top.
Will you just shut up ! I am the only one who's supposed to be talking here.
The Rawlston Gallery is run by morons, and they would never get what I do, but they are at Eighteenth and Halsted.
So will you just get out of here ! Thank you.
I really hope somebody buys you.
I'm not for sale Get out of here ! Wow.
So you just woke up one day and decided to stop stealing ? No, you were the last person I robbed, actually.
Oh, really.
Was it something in my eyes that inspired you to change ? No, no, you wouldn't let go of your purse, I separated my shoulder.
My arm was in a sling for weeks.
I didn't have insurance, so I had to use a paper bag.
I'm sorry.
That's OK.
So yeah, I've changed, but people really don't believe that's possible, so - I do.
- What ? Believe that people can change.
You want to stick around ? Eat something ? - You sure ? - Yeah.
Oh, just for the record, that was your car that we were breaking into, right ? Yes, it was.
Whew ! It was just Nothing to see here.
Keep it moving, fellas.
Keep it moving.
I forgive the artist for all his other sins here.
This photograph is transcendent.
You want a punch in the nose ? Howard.
Howard, what are you doing ? I protected her body on prom night, I'm protecting it now.
- I have news for you about prom night.
- What ? Nothing.
Can I get you a refill ? Thank you.
- I thought you were getting rid of him.
- He said he's changed.
And I believe him.
If I can't believe that someone's changed, how can I expect anyone to believe I have ? Did he threaten your family ? You don't really like them.
I'm serious.
Wouldn't it be crazy if, in pretending to be moving on, that I actually was moving on ? Because, you know what, I kind of like him.
Oh, my God ! Oh, my God ! It's my date ! It's my date ! He's a thief ! Stop him ! He's a thief ! He's a I was just trying to hide it ! I'm tired of people ogling my daughter ! Sam ? So you still think I'm a thief.
A thief ? A thief who stole my heart ! We can go whenever you want.
No, please stay.
Look, until the accusation thing, we were having such a good time.
No, I think I should go.
I think I need to date people I haven't robbed.
And still no apology for that.
You two have shamed me in front of the Chicago art world.
I have bought eight of Todd's photos out of pure embarrassment.
I hope you like silhouettes of trees.
I'm sorry, Dad.
Pretty humiliating night for both of us, huh ? No.
Just you.
It's a naked picture of your ex-girlfriend ! Look, I only put it in the show to sell it.
To make money.
- To buy you a present.
- Oh, shut up, Todd, you still want her.
- Why can't you admit it ? - Because it's not true ! Yeah ? Well, if you love me so much, where's my naked picture ? Huh ? I mean, am I not a fitting enough subject for your art ? Are these babies not good enough for you ? You brought a mugger to my show ? Yeah, well, I was going to bring a serial killer, but his van broke down.
- I mean, you can date whoever you want.
- I'm not dating.
I know.
I get it.
What about you, smart guy ? Did you think this one through ? Well, I have a right to display my art.
Oh, give it up.
I'm gonna have to side with Chloe on this one.
I wanted it in my show.
It's my best picture.
There's a red dot on it, who bought it ? Oh, God, that feels weird.
Nobody bought it.
I didn't want anyone else to have it, so I put a "sold" sticker on it.
Uh-oh.
Yeah.
Maybe.
Out of my way ! You ! Oh, poo, you're late.
Sorry, you missed all the fun.
Oh, not really.
I brought my own fun.
Andrea, come in early tomorrow.
I want to show you your new office.
You're going to like it.
If you need to make a copy, it's super convenient.
OK, so you don't like practical jokes.
It's good to know.
That's how a friendship grows ! Come on, I'll walk you out.
Signals are like art.
The meaning can be interpreted in countless ways.
Like that statue of a giant clothespin.
Actually, no one knows what that one means.
But sometimes a signal is nothing like art.
But sometimes a signal is nothing like art.
Its meaning is crystal clear.
- Do you have your valet ticket ? - Yeah, I have it right here.
That bastard stole my wallet, I can't believe it ! Oh, here it is.
OK, got it.