Sanford and Son (1972) s01e13 Episode Script

That's it.
Left hook.
You got him now.
Did you see that punch? He ain't gonna never grow hair on that spot no more.
Look at all the women in there screaming, Melvin.
It's surprising how many women like fights.
But they go for different reasons.
A man like to believe that's him in the ring winning and a woman like to believe that's her husband there losing.
Turn the sound down during the commercial.
- That's a good fight, isn't it? - Yeah.
You want another can of beer before the next round starts? Yeah, that would be nice.
Lamont, where's your father? I don't know, Melvin.
Instead of being here with us, enjoying a great fight and having a good time he's probably sitting in some movie, alone and bored.
That's a nice smell.
It is nice, isn't it? I love the smell of the ocean.
Is that what you smellin'? I thought it was me.
I got on my Mennen Skin Bracer.
I meant it's nice being so close to the water.
- But you smell good too, Fred.
- Yeah.
Last time I was in Lover's Lane was in St.
Louis years ago.
- Just the three of us.
- The three of you? Yeah.
Me and a girl and the guy that mugged us.
I'll bet you were a real Romeo in your younger days, weren't you, Fred? Yeah.
I wish I knew then what I know now.
Wish I had now what I had then.
But I do pretty good with what I got left.
You certainly do.
- Yeah.
Donna? - Yes, Fred.
I'm sure glad you left your coat at the house - and we could get together again.
- So am I, Fred.
After that last fight, I couldn't get you out of my mind.
Every time I looked at a piece of junk, I could see your face.
What does that mean? It means I was thinking about you.
I just couldn't get you out of my mind.
I understand.
You know, we really never got to know each other.
- No, we didn't.
- We didn't give it no kind of chance.
It's like that song.
Gettin'to know you Gettin'to know all about you Gettin' to a movie every now and then is no way of gettin' to know anybody.
And I wasn't gettin' anywhere.
You know what I'm gettin' at? Yes, Fred.
Fred, how do you think your son will react? The last time he was very much against our getting married.
- Don't worry about him.
- Lamont's very attached to you and I don't want him to think I'm trying to shake you loose of him.
I've been a bachelor for over 20 years.
I'm ready to get shook.
- You'll have to tell him.
- I'll tell him.
- And what will you tell your friends? - What do you mean? You're young and pretty and got a nice figure and you're a good driver.
What will you tell 'em when they ask you what you see in me? Why, I'll tell them that you're sweet and generous and handsome.
- You know that, don't you, Fred? - Yeah, I know it but I like to hear it every now and then.
Oh, dear.
Look at the time.
- Time to go? - I'm afraid so.
I have to be up early in the morning.
Well, before we go, I have something for you to make it official.
Oh, Fred.
A ring.
My engagement ring.
Well, it ain't yours yet, but it will be after I make 35 more payments.
- Oh, Fred, isn't that pretty? - Beautiful.
See, you are sweet, just like I said.
What was that other thing you said I was? - Generous? - No, no.
- Handsome.
- That's the one.
Oh, Fred.
How can I ever thank you? You could start by giving me one across the lips.
There ain't nothing good on after the fight, is there, Lamont? Let's turn this thing off.
Ain't nothing on.
There's a horror movie on later, Melvin.
- Yeah? - Yeah.
The Creature With the Big Mouth.
"A prehistoric monster invades the city of Washington, D.
C and eats up the United States Senate.
" Was that the one with Ann-Margret? No.
This is with Lani Hiroshaki.
It was made in Japan.
They really know how to make those horror movies, thoseJapanese.
You know all those Godzilla movies? They were all made in Japan.
I know that, Melvin.
I'm not exactly stupid, you know.
I wish they'd do a Godzilla movie with a black man, don't you? I never really thought about it.
They couldn't have done it a few years ago.
But I'll bet it'd be all right to do it today.
Show a black man gettin' the best of the monster for a change.
I guess one of the reasons that we never seen that is 'cause they don't have too many black people over in Japan.
That's okay.
Send one over there.
Send Sammy Davis.
Make it Godzilla Meets Sammy Davis.
Sammy works everywhere.
Was that a car, Melvin? That must be Pop coming home.
Hello, son.
Hello, Melvin.
Was that a car I just heard? Did you get a ride home? Uh-huh.
Donna Harris dropped me off.
You remember Donna Harris.
She was here a few weeks ago.
It was on again, off again.
- Now it's back on again.
- Oh, yeah.
Donna Harris.
- The practical nurse.
The barracuda.
- Don't call her that.
Where did you go, to the movies? Did she massage the back of your neck again? No, I went for a ride and yes, she did massage the back of my neck.
She can drive and do necks at the same time.
Pop, I don't understand you.
I thought that was all over with.
Well, son, I got to thinking.
Maybe we didn't give it a chance.
And you're really serious about this? It's not just fun and games.
I'm serious, and I hope it leads to some fun 'cause I'm too old to be playin' games.
I'm gonna tell you like I told you the last time.
I think it's ridiculous, a man at your age gettin' married.
It's ridiculous, and I'm against it.
I guess I better be shovin' off.
You two wanna talk.
Wait, Melvin.
You can listen to this.
You like one of the family.
That's right.
Why don't you stay? You got married a second time.
Tell us about those three exciting moments.
How you got engaged, how you got married and how you got divorced.
So what? Melvin ain't no one-woman man.
He like to play the field.
And that's bad when you marry a woman who like to play the field also.
And the bleachers the grandstand the parking lot.
- Tell him.
- Don't do it, Fred.
I'm tellin' you, don't do it.
Just don't do it.
Tell him how ridiculous it is for a man at his age to be getting married.
Don't do it.
I'm gonna do it anyway.
Shucks.
I ain't listenin' to y'all.
It's nice to have a practical nurse around when you get my age.
Especially if something happens.
At your age, ain't nothin' much gonna happen.
I ain't paying neither one of you guys no mind.
I'm going in the kitchen and get me some applejack, make me sleep.
Remember what I said, Fred.
Don't do it.
Melvin, I think you said enough already.
- Good night.
- Good night.
Good night, Lamont.
I wouldn't do it.
He shouldn't do it.
Remember what I said now, Fred.
I know.
I know.
Don't do it.
Don't do it.
Let me talk to you.
- Listen to me.
- Son, you want some applejack? - Make you sleep.
- No, I don't want no applejack.
You ought to try some of this applejack.
It's almost all gone.
You better put applejack on the grocery list.
And get some mineral oil and Pluto Water.
And some prunes.
What do you need all that stuff for? The applejack makes me sleep, and the other stuff make me get up.
Would you stop all this nonsense and listen to me.
What I'm trying to tell you is for your own good.
We got a good thing going.
Why do you wanna get married and mess it all up? It ain't a bad thing to have a little female companionship around here and nice little silky things hanging in the bathroom.
You got companionship.
You got me and Melvin.
But y'all don't have no nice silky things hanging in the bathroom.
What about your age? Who gets married at 65? You better read your Bible.
Abraham got married when he was over a hundred.
- Had six kids.
- Abraham had some help from the Lord.
I don't intend to have no six children, so I won't need as much help.
Well, I can see it's not doing any good talking to you.
Nope.
It's too late.
I gave her an engagement ring tonight and made it official.
- What? - That's right.
- You're really not kidding about this.
- I told you I wasn't kidding, didn't I? All right.
I'm not gonna say another word about it.
Good.
If you wanna get married and mess up this home, just go ahead.
I'm going to.
I'm not gonna have another thing to say.
That's great.
Good night.
- Just remember one thing.
- What? Two can play at this game.
- Just what does that mean? - Well if you're gonna get married, I'm gonna get married.
- You get married? - You don't think I can? - I suppose you can.
- If somebody as old and ridiculous as you can find somebody, then so can I.
For every man, there's a woman.
And for every dummy, there's a dummy.
Dummy.
Gettin'to know all about you Gettin'to like you Gettin'to know you like me What is that thing on your head? - What's it look like? - It looks likes gray crabgrass.
For your information, it's a hairpiece.
A lot of men wear 'em nowadays, so what's wrong with that? You really are ridiculous.
Where did you get that thing from anyway? You know Walter King? His son works at a furrier, and they had some tails and paws laying around so he made this for me.
It's squirrel.
Well, be careful when you walk through the park with that thing on your head.
The squirrels are liable to drag you off with the rest of the nuts.
If you're gonna make fun of it, I ain't gonna even wear it.
Good.
What are you doing all dressed up? You going out? Not when there's somebody coming to cook dinner.
You remembered.
Donna's gonna be very happy about that.
She's a practical nurse, and she's neat and tidy.
And when she passes by, you can smell rubbing alcohol.
Sounds terrific.
Yeah, seem she cup her hands like this and you stick your nose in there and sniff real hard clear up your sinuses.
I can see a lot of interesting evenings ahead for you two, once you get married.
Trying on your squirrel hairpiece and sniffing her cupped hands.
When she gets here, you be nice to her.
Don't worry, Pop.
I'll be cool.
I know how you feel about her, but you don't have to call her "Mom.
" Just call her "Donna" or "Mrs.
Harris.
" I'll think of something to call her.
Now, don't start that again.
- Don't do like you did the last time.
- What did I do? You talked about age and stuff, and that's how we got in that fight.
You talked about her age, gray hairs and bags up under her eyes and varicose veins.
- Does she got varicose veins? - No.
And don't look at her legs.
Is there anything else I shouldn't do? Yeah.
Just don't talk about nothin'.
I'll be cool, Pop.
Don't worry.
There she is now.
- And remember what I told you.
- I know.
Don't talk about nothin'.
- Good evening, Fred.
Lamont.
- Good evening.
- It's nice to see you again, Lamont.
- Thank you very much.
- What you got there? - Our dinner.
I prepared most of it at my place so as not to mess up your kitchen.
That was very thoughtful.
- Smells good.
What is it? - Glazed ham and candied sweet potatoes.
I'll just take it in the kitchen and get started.
All right, darling.
- You get a whiff of that? - It smells delicious.
Glazed ham and rubbing alcohol.
- Don't start that again.
- Don't worry, Pop.
I'll be cool.
I'll get this.
- Hi, honey.
- Hi, Sheila.
- Am I late? - No, you're just fine.
Pop, this is Sheila Monroe.
Sheila, this is my father.
Hi, Pop.
Ooh, he's got that same Arabian look in the eye that you've got.
The sheik and the son of the sheik.
Yeah.
Say, sugar, I'd like to freshen up.
Where's the ladies' room? If you mean the toilet, it's upstairs.
The bathroom is upstairs to your left.
Thanks.
He's cute.
I'll be right back.
The sheik Where did she come from? Where did you meet her? That's Sheila.
She came to cook dinner for me.
What are you talking about? I told you Donna was coming over to cook dinner.
What do you think she's doing in the kitchen now? She's in there cookin' your dinner.
Sheila is gonna cook mine.
What? You know it's no good to have two women in the kitchen.
That's the way it's gonna be when we both get married, isn't it? - Two women in the kitchen.
- You mean you're gonna marry her? I might.
If you can get married so can I.
- Where did you meet her? - At a taco stand.
- A taco stand? - That's right.
We were standing next to each other and the filling dropped out of her taco so I helped her stuff it back in.
Isn't that romantic? Two dummy taco-stuffers.
I thought you got dressed up for Donna.
You didn't even tell me about this other girl.
Now that she's here, just watch what you say.
Here she come now, old dummy taco-stuffer.
Excuse me, Lamont.
If your last name is Sanford how come the monogram on your towel says "H.
I.
"? That's my middle name Holiday Inn.
- He's funny, Lamont.
- Yeah, he's a riot.
All right.
I'll just set the table.
- Hello.
- Hi, Mama.
What's happening? Donna, this is Sheila.
She's a friend of Lamont.
- He invited her over here tonight.
- Oh.
Are you gonna have dinner with us? I don't know.
L It's already prepared and there's so much.
Please join us.
Might as well.
We're gonna have some leftovers.
Might be better, Lamont.
I just had my nails done.
- And they're not quite dry.
- All right, all right.
Okay.
Good.
Sheila, come with me and help me get the other things.
Meantime, you gentlemen can get the chairs.
Come on.
I've got four false fingernails on.
That's some cook you got there.
I'm glad you didn't depend on her to fix dinner.
We'd have starved to death.
She would've cooked.
She just got talked out of it.
You told me yourself she couldn't even keep the stuffing in her taco.
- Sheila can cook anything.
- You mean she can defrost anything.
Here we are.
Lamont, Fred, please sit down.
Wow.
That sure smells good.
- It looks good.
- I sure hope it tastes good.
Sheila, can I help you? Oh, yes, thank you.
Sure looks tasty.
Anybody mind if I smoke? Well, if you're asking me, I'd rather you didn't.
Why don't you wait until we finished eatin'? Why can't she smoke now if she wants to? - 'Cause we eatin' now.
- Listen.
I don't have to smoke.
But mostly it's because it's bad for her lungs.
Well, they're her lungs.
But I don't want no bad lungs at my table.
Well, it's my table too.
- If you don't want me to, I won't.
- Go ahead and smoke.
Mr.
Sanford, I don't have to smoke.
You heard what Donna said.
No smoking.
Just a minute.
She's not giving any orders at this table.
Don't you call her a "she.
" She's your future stepmother.
Not if I have anything to say about it.
You don't have anything to say about it.
- Yes, I do.
- Not after you get one across the lip.
Wait a minute.
You just can't come in here and tell me that.
I can tell you Fred, please, don't do that! You Donna.
Donna, honey, what's the matter? Fred, I will not be talked to that way by your son.
- We've got to clear this up right now.
- Listen.
He didn't mean no harm.
- Why didn't you smoke? - I didn't think - everyone would get so uptight.
- Excuse me.
Who you gonna listen to, them or me? - Don't be yellin' at me.
- Don't tell me not to yell at you.
- I told you to smoke! - I don't care! Will y'all be quiet! Lamont, you owe Donna an apology.
Go in there and say something to her now.
- I'll say something to her all right.
- I don't wanna cause no problems.
- I put the cigarettes away.
- Don't you come here yelling at me.
- What is the matter with you? - Excuse me.
Shut up! I'm gettin' sick of this whole evening, you know that? - Yeah, me too, and it's because of - You started all this trouble.
- Trouble? I didn't do anything.
- It started with you wanting to smoke.
I'm supposed to be blamed for everything? Yes, because whoever heard of putting all that poison in your system anyway? Just a minute.
Just a minute.
Just a minute.
Just a minute.
Shut up! Shut up.
You sound like a bunch of clucking ducks.
- Clucking ducks? - How dare you! We don't have to sit here Come on.
Let's get out of here.
Cluck, cluck, cluck.
Cluck, cluck.
You know, son maybe you were right when you said we shouldn't have two women in the kitchen.
Yeah.
That's true, Pop.
We can sit down together and have such a nice, quiet evening.
As soon as you add two women, everything changes.
- Every time, it happens, Pop.
- Something about their nature.
- Must be.
- They say men always start wars.
- Yeah.
- That funny? Let's sit down and have a quiet dinner together.
- Let me help you with your chair.
- Thank you, son.
I'll just join you here.
I'll sit down next to you.
- Yes.
- Now we can have an enjoyable evening.
- How about some of these nice greens? - Thank you very much, Dad.
- A few potatoes? - Thank you.
- Marshmallow and stuff.
Beautiful.
- Thank you.
- A little more.
- Thank you, Dad.
- How about some ham? - Ham? Of course.
Thank you.
Wait a minute.
What you pick the ham up with your hand for? - You want me to pick it up with my foot? - You're supposed to use the fork.
Well, there's the finishing touches to a perfectly rotten evening.
Yeah.
You turn out the lights and I'll get the phone.
Okay, son.
Hello.
Yeah, he is.
Hold on.
It's the barracuda.
Listen.
Now's your chance to tell her off.
- I will.
- And don't hold no punches back.
- I ain't holdin' back nothin'.
- Give it to her.
Hello.
This is Fred Sanford.
That's S-A-N-F-O-R-D period, speaking.
I'd like to talk to you about tonight too.
Yeah, I'll let you talk first.
Uh-huh.
Well, no, I didn't mean to call you no clucking duck.
What a meant was, like a cackling hen.
No, Donna, wait a minute, honey.
Don't cry.
Don't cry.
Please.
Listen to me.
Yeah, I remember the night in the car.
Right.
Huh? You mean now? On the phone? Gettin'to know you Gettin'to know all about you Gettin'to like you And hope you like me Sanford and Son is recorded on tape before a live studio audience.