Scream Queens (2015) s01e13 Episode Script
The Final Girl(s)
_ (glasses clink) (two claps) Welcome to this very special rush evening of the new and improved Kappa Kappa Tau.
I'm Zayday Williams, president, and this is my vice president, Grace Gardner.
We would also like to thank Dean Munsch for allowing us to have a winter semester rush this year.
Well, now that the unfortunate events of the fall semester are behind us and the school is back open and extremely safe, I thought, why not? Especially since the new Kappa seems to be aligned so clearly with mine and the rest of the student body's almost militant commitment to political correctness and acceptance of different and unusual points of view.
As long as they're always left-leaning.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm gonna go disinvite Jerry Seinfeld from speaking at commencement.
He told a joke about a woman once.
Allegedly.
(women murmur) We would also like to introduce you to our treasurer, Hester Ulrich.
Excuse me.
Is it still true that you guys take anyone who wants to pledge? It's actually now written in the Kappa bylaws.
So today is going to be filled with us HESTER: Hi.
It's me, Hester.
You may have noticed my eye patch.
It's temporary.
The advantage of stabbing yourself in the eye with a stiletto heel is that you know just where to jab it in order to miss the important organs, like your optic nerve or your brain.
You might have noticed that I'm the only Chanel left.
That's because I got away with it.
It was a plan 20 years in the making, and it worked.
You probably think that growing up in a mental institution would be fun.
Plenty of cigarettes and Monopoly.
(both shrieking) But it was hard at first.
(Gigi sobbing) Gigi was pretty bummed out about her sister killing herself with laxatives, - _ - and she cried a lot.
(sobbing loudly) For three years.
(sobbing continues) But with the help of good doctors and nurses at the asylum, _ Gigi was able to turn her sadness into anger, and we started planning our revenge.
(sobbing continues) - _ - Now, this is a hammer.
Hammers are good for bashing people in the skull and watching them bleed to death, okay? Now, how about this? - Knife! - Okay.
How about this one? - Chain saw.
- Great! Now, what are the advantages of using this? Easily cuts through muscle and bone, and has the added advantage of making sure your victim's final emotion is terror.
Suck ass! That's great, Hester.
Now, let's maybe let Boone answer the next one.
- But he's a moron.
- I know.
I know.
Ow! (children grunting) HESTER: We grew.
Time passed.
It did get a little lonely there.
Sometimes I made friends, but then the next thing you know, they're getting a full frontal lobotomy.
Gigi said that we would be headed to Wallace to finally put our plan into action, so I needed a persona to hide behind while we murdered people and stuff.
Boone decided that his would be to pretend to be gay, which made, like, no sense, since all that would do is make him stand out amongst those frat dudes.
But Boone was never one for really being smart.
As for me, what I've noticed is that the more weird and gross you are, the less people want to know about you.
No one asks the kid with terrible acne what their favorite movie is or where they were born.
Even though I only ate asylum food and never really exercised, I was blessed with a super tight bod.
My butt could launch a thousand ships, and my boobs were remarkably perky and even.
Couple that with my BJ lips, and I was gonna need something pretty spectacular to keep everyone from wanting to get all up in this.
Once I saw her, I knew I found my cloak of social invisibility.
(thunder rumbling) We needed a cool costume.
All killers have a cool costume Jason with his hockey mask, Freddy Krueger's sweater and hat, Cujo's totally realistic dog costume.
Hey, everyone! Come down to Jesse Helms Stadium tonight to cheer on our very own Wallace University Red Devils! Kickoff at 7:00 p.
m.
! (whoops) (knife stabbing, man gasping) HESTER: Kind of ironic that our first victim was actually the Red Devil, but when you want to make an omelet, right? (nife stabbing, man gasping) But the devil outfit was perfect.
Unisex, kind of satanic but not, like, a giant goat head satanic.
Red and black so it wouldn't stain when it was covered in blood.
And since it was the school mascot, we could walk around campus in it without being noticed.
GIGI: I think he's dead.
HESTER: It was time to begin.
We broke into Kappa and we got busy.
BOONE: I don't understand why we don't just stab this Dorkus girl.
Because this is more dramatic.
I don't know.
Stabbing can be pretty dramatic.
No, this is more poetic.
It hits these girls right in their vanity.
Wait, we're spraying acid on the furniture? How's that gonna hurt them? Just pour the acid in! HESTER: Obvi, I was the brains of the operation.
Boone was the muscle, and Gigi was the weird and psycho beating black heart.
We did have to get into college before we could execute our plan.
Hard, since we never went to high school.
Boone went undercover a year before I did.
He never actually rolled in school.
Since none of those frat guys ever went to class, it was easy to just show up there, say he was a student, and blend right in.
But I wanted to do it right.
Well, Hester, your high school transcripts are clearly faked.
And I'm guessing you made up your SAT scores, 'cause it's not possible to get one million percent on them.
Now, that being said, we do have a new mandate here at Wallace University for special needs diversity.
And seeing as we have no students with severe spinal deformities, I am gonna take a chance on you.
(stamp thuds) Welcome to Wallace.
Thank you, Dean.
You won't regret it.
(footsteps echoing) Hi.
Ooh, cool neck brace.
You ever think about decorating it? (gasps) I've got a Bedazzler back in my room.
What do you say we spice it up a bit? Um, no.
But that sounds like a lot of fun.
I hope you guys aren't freaked out by my appearance or lack of social skills and money.
Hardly.
We're part of a new wave of Kappa Kappa Tau, one filled with true sisterhood and acceptance.
Zayday here is gonna be president of this place someday.
Come on.
Let's go mingle, babies.
I'll catch up.
By the way, you guys seem really nice.
I've always said that being nice is a really good quality.
It could save your life one day.
Hmm.
(chuckles) Great.
HESTER: And so it came to be that Hester Ulrich, daughter of Sophia Doyle, returned to Kappa House to get her revenge.
And that was the night it all started.
And tonight, it all ends.
Order is restored, as they say.
More than restored reborn.
Now I have some true sisters, some real family.
The only dad I ever had was the asylum.
My only family were those nutburgers Gigi and Boone.
But now I know who my real dad is and my real half-sister, even if they don't.
And the best part is that that isn't even the best part.
Well, that isn't the best part either.
The best part is who isn't up here with us.
Yep.
No Chanels.
I mean, someone had to take all the blame.
Right? _ HESTER: You're probably thinking, what kind of person could drive a six-inch stiletto into her own eye socket? Hester, it's gonna be okay, it's gonna be okay.
(whispers): Can we save the shoe? HESTER: A person who did her homework, that's who! First, I had to get an X-ray of my own skull.
Then, I had to calculate the proper length of the heel, the angle of the insertion, with just the right amount of force to slip behind the eyeball without damaging the socket.
Also, it helps to be completely frickin' insane.
(panting softly) Because for a plan like this to work, you have to be willing to totally commit.
(screams) I mean, desperate times call for desperate measures.
This was the price I had to pay if I wanted to get away with murder and pin it all on someone else.
(whimpers) (gasps) (gasping) The Red Devil! Because some people don't deserve to just get murdered.
They need to be truly punished.
I didn't do it, I swear! Oh, please, we all know the guy from Nickelback did not, in fact, swipe right on your profile.
Uh, yes, he did, okay? Nickelback is in town playing some kid's bat mitzvah.
Please! It was clearly a ruse so you could sneak back into the house and kill Number Six! I would never, Chanel! I'm one of the good guys! Look, I-I know, I know that I can be socially awkward and-and a little bit off-putting and that most people find it very difficult to be around me, but you know me, Chanel.
I'm not the killer.
Um, excuse me? I think you're a serial killer because I know you, Number Five! You bite your own toenails.
Okay, I am flexible.
Why would I waste my money buying toenail clippers when God already blessed me with toenail clippers in the form of teeth in my mouth?! It's awfully convenient that you're the one who noticed - Number Two's body went missing.
- (gasps) Maybe you knew it was gone 'cause you'd already taken it to the house on Shady Lane.
Look, we should all just stay up and wait until Number Five gets tired and passes out.
She confesses all sorts of crazy stuff in her sleep.
She and I were roommates the first year we lived in the house.
I unlocked the brakes on Grandma's wheelchair so that she would slide down the driveway into the traffic.
Shut up! Go to sleep! When I fart, I cup it in my hand and smell it.
Dear God, shut up! CHANEL: Wait a minute.
Everybody, shut up! I know what happened.
You killed Number Two and confessed it in your sleep to Roger and Dodger after a hot night of letting them Eiffel Tower you.
And once you knew that they both knew, you realized you'd have to kill them! Oh.
Oh, I see where this is going.
You're gonna try and pin all of these murders on me so I spend the rest of my life in prison.
Oh, no, my friend.
You are going to the electric chair.
No! Do they still use those? Uh-huh.
Okay.
Well, thank you for letting me know.
Well, well, well.
This just in.
Police Chief Denise Hemphill just got a call.
A decomposing male body was found with rippling abs and a possible gay face that appears to be a match for one Boone Clemens.
That's right, y'all! Hot damn, shazam! Boone is dead.
Excuse me for a second while I drop the mic.
We already knew Boone was dead.
Pete admitted to killing him.
Okay, well, excuse me for trying to reiterate the facts and get us all on the same page.
I mean, after all, I am just the chief of the whole damn police department.
Okay, look, this is all so insane.
Look, we can all freely admit that Number Five is fairly odd, but she is not the killer.
The killer is Hester.
Yes, and the proof is in her files.
(door closes) The only proof you need is this hole in my head.
Good news.
Chanel #5 didn't insert the heel hard enough to pierce my orbital socket.
The doctors were able to save my eyeball, and they said that I'm gonna make a full recovery.
No, that can't be true.
You're the killer! Your entire life story is totally fabricated.
Just look at her insane, obviously made-up, high school transcript.
I'm very embarrassed about that.
Yes, it's true, I falsified my high school transcripts, but only to cover up the fact that I was homeschooled.
- (gasps) - Mm.
I-I was afraid that if people found out, they wouldn't ask me to join a sorority.
Liar! You are the baby in the bathtub.
You look just like Boone.
And Pete told us that your DNA matched Boone and my dad.
Are you talking about the same Pete who admitted to being one of the killers? He's just making that all up to cover for his real partner in crime, Chanel #5! No.
Well, then how do you explain the fact that there's absolutely no records on your parents anywhere? - (doorbell rings) - CHANEL: Ugh! I think the answer to that is at the door.
What? (dog whimpers) - Sweetheart.
- Hester? Oh, sweetheart, are you okay? Stepfather.
We came as soon as we heard.
HESTER: Oh, Mother.
Cuddlebear.
Everyone, these are my parents, Clark and Delight.
Hester is our biological daughter.
She definitely was not adopted.
(chuckles): I have the stretch marks to prove it.
That's right, we're prepared to corroborate everything my stepdaughter, Hester, has just said.
Do I know you? Wait, hold on, there's no record of Hester's parents anywhere.
That's because, until recently, my husband and I worked for the CIA.
We were forced to remain deep undercover to protect Hester and Cuddlebear and the people who love them.
Wait, I do know! I know where I know you from.
You're from that prostate commercial.
Can you say that line I love so much? Uh "Thanks, MaxFlow, my stream's never been stronger.
" "Never been stronger," yes! I love that line! Well, in order to not blow their super-secret CIA covers, my parents sometimes work as actors in commercials.
Oh, yeah, yeah.
Well, I want to talk to my parents, so they can explain to you how I am not a serial killer, nor am I the baby in the bathtub.
Don't worry, I already called your parents.
(doorbell rings) CHANEL: Ugh! Wha? CHANEL #5: (gasps) Mom and Dad! Hi! Can you please tell everybody how I wasn't adopted, nor am I a serial killer? So, we're not Chanel #5's real parents.
A woman named Gigi gave her to us after a sizable stint in a mental institution.
What?! We took her in out of the kindness of our hearts.
And also for the tax deduction.
That's not true! All Gigi asked was that when the time came that we enroll our daughter at Wallace University and encourage her to pledge Kappa Kappa Tau.
We tried to love her like our own, but, I mean she's not great.
And now that the truth is out that she's probably a murderer, we don't want to have anything to do with her.
No! How could you do this to me?! _ I have to be honest, we've actually discussed doing exactly what you're proposing.
As soon as she learned to talk, I wanted to disown her.
I mean, maybe she's the killer on campus, maybe she's not, - but she probably is, right? - Yeah.
Yeah.
I mean, she just sucks.
Our daughter sucks.
I can't believe what I'm hearing! Please tell them the truth.
It is the truth, you frumpy monster.
(gasps) The psychologists said you probably wouldn't remember the asylum on account of it being so traumatic.
Your mind filled in the gaps with imagined memories - of growing up in our house.
- But, sweetie, you're toxic, and you're bumming us out, so it's time for you to go.
DENISE: Okay, okay, I have heard enough.
Now, I still believe that Zayday Williams is the killer.
Okay.
But this, this is real suspicious.
So, Chanel #5, you are under arrest.
What?! You can't arrest me don't you need, like, a warrant or something from a judge? DENISE: What?! I'm the chief of the police department, and I can arrest whoever I want.
And, little girl, you, - you got the right to remain silent.
- (handcuffs click) And you got some other rights that come after that, and I don't know what they are, 'cause I don't remember what I'm supposed to say after "You got the right to remain silent," but come on! Wait, I'm not finished.
She's not the only killer.
You also need to arrest Chanel #3! Wait, you think I'm the killer? I know for a fact that you're working hand-in-hand with Chanel #5 and her evil killing brother Boone, and that your first victim was Deaf Taylor Swift.
What? That's impossible.
When the pledges were buried up to their necks in the backyard, I was sipping banana daiquiris at the White Stallion.
Well, yeah, you came to the White Stallion with us, but then you disappeared as soon as we got there.
Care to elaborate, Number Three? I can explain.
When I got to the bar, I realized my stomach was really bothering me.
I thought maybe someone had put something in my drink because I was tting mad cramps, and I knew it was gonna be trouble.
I was past needing to go number two.
I needed to go number three.
(gasping) But the bathrooms at the White Stallion are freakin' disgusting.
There was no way I was gonna lay down some pipe in there.
So I went back to Kappa House and I destroyed the bathroom upstairs.
But I didn't kill anyone.
Hmm, so let me get this straight.
You're accusing someone here in Kappa House of putting laxatives in your cocktail? Messing with somebody's regularity? That's downright criminal.
I just don't understand how deep the hole's supposed to be.
Whore deep! What kind of a question is that?! (sighs) Useless.
HESTER: Hmm, but let's say you aren't lying and that you didn't mow Deaf Taylor Swift's head off.
I know for a fact that you killed Predatory Lez.
No, I didn't.
You know, when you sent her down there to die because you were too ashamed of your feelings for her, I went down there to check on her, when I caught a glimpse of someone running up the stairs, and they were wearing earmuffs! - You're lying! - That's just what I saw.
Well, just saying you saw something isn't evidence.
No, you right, it's not evidence.
But it is suspicious.
You know why? 'Cause you the only one in here wearing earmuffs! Yeah, I know.
HESTER: Let's not forget the most suspicious fact of all.
You're Charles Manson's daughter.
Uh, say what, now?! And you have a shoebox full of letters from him giving you advice on how to kill your friends.
Wait, Number Three, is that true? I can explain.
Yes, I've become pen pals with my biological father, Charles Manson.
I wanted my real dad to help me with some growing-up stuff, like how to French-kiss a boy or how to know when I've met Mr.
or Miss Right.
But when he writes back, his advice is always, "Maybe you should murder some of your sorority sisters.
" HESTER: Why don't you go ahead and read us one? Mm-hmm.
"Precious daughter, "I'm sorry I don't know anything about yeast infections, "but I did see an incredible story on the news about, uh, a pizza guy who had a bomb strapped to him.
" What? "I'm totes sad that I can't order "a pizza to the penitentiary and strap a bomb to the pizza guy, but that doesn't mean y-you can't.
" Oh, man.
That's real suspicious.
I-I'm telling you, I didn't kill anybody.
Well, maybe you didn't, but your split personality did.
I have a signed letter here from your psychiatrist.
I've never been to a psychiatrist.
Well, your split personality has.
It says right here.
"Dear Hester, "yes, I treated Chanel #3 for split personality disorder "over the course of about eight months.
"She showed up at my office in a leather jacket, "claiming her name was Dirty Helen "and that she was the leader - "of a notorious West Coast biker gang.
- (gasps) "Dirty Helen made threats against my family, "and I was forced to move my practice out of the country.
Signed, Dr.
Adam Berkel, MD.
" Oh, my God, so you're saying that Dirty Helen could have killed Sam and Deaf Taylor Swift and I would have no memory of killing them or receiving treatment? That's exactly how a split personality works.
Chanel #5 admitted to you that she was the baby in the bathtub, and then she convinced your split personality to join her on a killing spree.
So, Dirty Helen, I'm the other baby in the bathtub, and I want you to join my killing spree.
Okay, cool.
But let's not tell Chanel #3.
CHANEL #5: This conversation never took place! Yeah, but if it did, I wouldn't remember 'cause you were talking to my evil split personality, Dirty Helen.
Okay, Chanel #3, you are under arrest.
CHANEL #3: Sam, wherever you are, I'm so sorry my split personality murdered you! - (handcuffs click) - Wait! There's someone else you need to arrest, too.
Chanel Oberlin! - Wait.
What? - Excuse me.
Uh, if you're gonna just continue to accuse everyone, could we at least sit down? Liam, we're gonna lose our reservation.
Uh, it's all really interesting though.
I have proof that you, Chanel Oberlin, entered a home improvement store two months ago and purchased the following items A garden shear, a riding mower, three chain saws, a pneumatic nail gun, two axes, and a crossbow.
Okay, first of all, I was the one who was shot with the crossbow! And also they don't sell crossbows at home improvement centers! Oh, Chanel, the security footage begs to differ.
It's also stated right here, in your Diners Club monthly statement.
I'll take that, too.
What?! I don't have a Diners Club card! Is Diners Club still even a thing? - I still keep one in my wallet for backup.
- Mm.
I don't know why I'm the one who always has to bring this up, but we did all watch Chanel burn Ms.
Bean's face off.
For the last time, that was a Hell Week prank gone wrong! I didn't know the oil was boiling! Someone turned on that deep fryer! (deep fryer whirring) - I don't know.
- CHANEL #3: And I did just watch you try to murder Melanie Dorkus with a pair of scissors earlier this afternoon.
I only did that because I thought she was the killer! I mean, I'm telling you, I'm not the Red Devil! You bitch.
What is your game here? I mean, I'm all for Number Five being the killer.
She's a weird psychopath who would look like Boone's homely, bloated sister if she let her horrible black roots grow out.
She probably is the baby in the bathtub.
And I am 100% not surprised that Chanel #3 is also a psycho with a split personality, who is helping Number Five murder everybody! But why me?! I mean, I am a pillar of this community.
I'm also already hot and rich.
What would I have to gain by hatching a plan to knock off a bunch of nameless dumb whores? I don't think that you did hatch the plan, Chanel.
But I think that once the murders started happening, you saw it as the perfect opportunity to knock off the pledges that you thought would ruin Kappa Kappa Tau.
With each murdered pledge, this sorority house got closer to being the Kappa Tau that you always intended it to be! Oh, yeah? Well, then why didn't I kill the two pledges I actually hate dumb-ass Grace and stupid Zayday? Plausible deniability! You knew by keeping these two alive that it would keep everyone off your scent.
No! Come on, Cyclops.
In the sleuthing business, that's what we call ice-cold logic.
It's obvious when you look at it, Chanel, that everything that's happened on this campus so far is just the logical next step for sororities everywhere.
Because what's murder if not the most perfect, ultimate form of hazing? What better way for you to knock off everyone that you hate, because they're different from you or not as popular or not as pretty, than to murder them one by one?! (Chanels gasping) Congratulations, Chanel.
You almost got the Kappa House that you always dreamed of.
DENISE: This is what I like to call first-class entertainment.
And I'd love nothing more than to stand around here watching you all descend into a nightmare of accusation and recrimination.
But I am here to represent the law.
And unfortunately for you, Chanel Oberlin aka one of the murderers you are under arrest.
You'll never take me alive! Time to call in the po-po.
The chief of police is requesting backup.
We all fall down (Chanels screaming) Like toy soldiers It wasn't my intention - GRACE: Are these strippers? - They used to be strippers, okay? But, uh, super-sleuthing Chief of Police Denise Hemphill had 'em deputized.
Get 'em, boys! (Chanels continue screaming) Takes the fall Won't you come out and play with me Step by step Heart to heart Left, right, left We all fall down You rich, dumb hos are going downtown! Get 'em out of here! You can't! Wait, no! (screaming) You can't! Wait, no, no! (screaming continues) I still gots my eye on you, Zayday Williams! For toy soldiers _ MUNSCH: What a difference five months can make.
Order on campus was restored.
And when the Chanels were denied bail and sent to jail awaiting trial (gavel banging) I am holding you in contempt of court.
Bail is revoked! MUNSCH: justice had been served.
Chad Radwell and Denise Hemphill continued their torrid love affair.
It ceased to be just a booty call.
When they broke up, he was devastated.
I'm sorry! I just don't understand how you just end it.
Because we're chasing waterfalls! We got to stick to the rivers and the lakes that we used to! I thought we were in the marriage zone.
I don't have a choice is what I'm telling you.
I got to be in Quantico tomorrow.
I know you need me.
You need all of this.
- But the FBI needs me more.
- The FBI is not gonna have that.
That's mine! - Denise, you hurt me real bad.
- Don't do that.
Wait, wait! No, no! Baby, please! Don't let it end like this.
Don't do that to us.
Come on.
Come on, baby.
Don't go chasing waterfalls (sighs, grunts) Please stick to the rivers Damn it, Denise.
It was never gonna work out between us.
We got too close to the sun, baby.
We shined too bright.
I promise I will never bang anyone the way I banged you.
Boy, you gonna make me cry! Don't go chasing waterfalls (both moaning) Please stick to the rivers And the lakes that you're used to Go.
Just go! You don't want to look back at it? One more time? But I think you're moving too fast Go! (crying) Press outlets of the world, on behalf of all the Dickie Dollar Scholars who are no longer with us (sighs) I would like to announce the formation of The Dickie Dollar Earl Grey Roger Dodger Caulfield Charitable Foundation, or the DDEGRDCCF.
From henceforth, all proceeds from every Dollar Scholar kegger, wet T-shirt contest, coed mud wrestling tournament and Jell-O shot gavage will go that's right to charity.
What's up? What charity will the Dollar Scholars be pledging to support? What do you mean, "what charity"? Just charity.
All proceeds will go to charity.
Yes, uh, but which charity? Uh I-I don't know.
- All of them? - (reporters murmuring) Okay, you know, I'm not a big fan of gotcha questions, dude! My friends are dead! I have nothing left! Nothing! Next question.
MUNSCH: As for me, I wrote up a quick book and became a media sensation.
I was on the cover of Time, Newsweek and Men's Health.
Well, I didn't write it.
I had a ghostwriter do it.
Okay, well, there you go.
Dean Munsch, your book is an absolute revelation.
Is there any way you could sum up your philosophy on new new feminism in just a few words? Um if feminism was about demanding equal treatment for women, and new feminism was saying that men and women are integral complements to one another, then I guess we could sum up, uh, new new feminism really in three simple words Women are better.
(laughter) I mean, the proof it's right in front of us.
If you think about all of human history, add up the wars and the genocide, all the oppression, the violence, the exploitation, the degradation of the human spirit, what do all those things have in common? Dudes.
They have dudes in common, right? Yeah.
So maybe, just maybe, it's not just places like Wallace University that are better off with a woman in charge.
Maybe we'd be better off if a woman was charge ALL: Everywhere! Exactly! (whooping, cheering) Thank you.
Thank you.
The culture at this university has been changed for the better.
It's true, a lot of people had to die to make that happen, but I often catch myself thinking, "You know what? Maybe it was worth it.
" _ Girls, I am thrilled that you've taken the initiative to do the upkeep for our new memorial.
Well, we decided it was the least Kappa could do.
Considering Kappa is kind of the reason they're all dead.
Isn't it so beautiful? And so nice of the Radwells to donate the money to commission it and have it built so quickly? Yeah, I'm-I'm not sure I'm fully committed to the design.
Oh, and I should've never let Chad write the inscription.
But I suppose money still talks.
Yeah, well, we've got to get going because I am planning a "get your yummies in and your feelings out" baking party at the house tonight.
We're gonna make cookies and brownies, and eat them while we talk about our feelings.
Hester, you think you can finish up the rest of this? Make sure my boy Earl gets some extra love.
Yeah.
- Well, that just sounds awful.
- I don't know.
I for one prefer the saccharine banality of life under Grace and Zayday to the toxic sludge the Chanels force-fed us every day like we were pâtéd geese.
Yeah, I suppose I agree.
But what happened here to those poor kids and the others was was truly awful.
I mean, it was an American tragedy.
At least some good came out of all of that evil.
Oh, more than some, Dean.
I-I read your best-selling New York Times book three times.
Th-These kids were martyrs for a much bigger cause.
I know it was you, Hester.
I remember that little girl's face in the bathroom that night.
Burned into my memory, like Joe Theismann's injury and Two Girls One Cup.
I remember every detail of her little face.
And I certainly would know what she would look like all grown up.
It's not my fault that all of that happened to me.
You see how awesome Wes is.
He would've been my dad.
I would've had a good life.
Maybe if I would've had a real dad, my brother wouldn't have turned into such a douche.
Maybe family trips to ski in Innsbruck or to Williamstown to see Tim Daly in Death of a Salesman would've turned me into a much more sane young woman.
But that didn't happen.
And I can't be blamed for the painful circumstances of my upbringing.
No, but those kids died.
They're dead.
And that is your fault.
I didn't kill any of these kids.
Except for Pete, but he's a killer, so that's allowed.
By the state, Hester.
After a trial and lengthy appeals and using drugs that are mostly painless.
It all worked out, Dean.
And I'm never gonna kill again.
As long as I'm not texting and driving.
Everyone got what they wanted.
And even if the Chanels didn't actually kill any of these people, they perpetuated the system that created me and my brother, Pete and Gigi.
So if anyone should pay for this, it should be them.
I also have a conscience, and a responsibility to all those dead kids, that their killer be brought to justice.
So I am gonna turn you in, Hester.
Then I'm gonna turn you in, for covering up the murder of my mother and killing your ex-husband.
(whispers): Or we could just say we're good and move on.
To our very happy and successful best-selling lives.
- Okay.
- Okay, great.
- Take care.
- You, too.
See ya.
This is the "Sophia Doyle I Just Had a Baby and Don't Know What to Do" hotline center.
Now, any girl in the situation that Sophia found herself in in that bathtub 20 years ago has a lifeline.
Someone she can call for help.
I mean, of course, the girls who find her can also call as well.
We just want to make sure that nothing like this ever happens on campus again.
Yeah.
Well, it certainly is specific.
Yeah.
How's it going so far? Um not a lot of activity yet.
- Right.
- Yeah.
Well, you know, with all the changes that you guys have facilitated all over the campus, maybe the next girl who has surprise twins at a party won't have to call for help.
Her friends will just now know not to let her bleed to death, because it's the right thing to do.
(sighs softly) Hey.
Um, I'm really proud of you, Gracie.
I-I want to give you a present.
Something to acknowledge, you know, all the hard work that you've done this year.
Wait, Dad.
Are you getting me a car? What? No.
No.
No, what-what are you out of your mind? No.
No.
Trust.
Trust, Gracie.
I-I'm giving you my trust.
Oh.
Oh, well, that's cool, too.
Yeah.
You know, I-I just, I-I never I never actually gave you the chance to matriculate here.
I mean, as a student, sure, but not as a woman.
I mean, I was stalking you outside of the sorority house, I got a job in the department so I could keep my eye on you.
And I never really trusted you to take care of yourself.
Well, clearly, I was wrong about that.
- So does this mean you're leaving? - Well, Dean Munsch, um (laughs) Cathy, uh I can't stop calling her that, especially because she likes me to call her "Dean Munsch" in bed.
Uh, anyway, Cathy and I, we're going to Napa for a couple of weeks.
We're gonna, we're gonna suck down some deep cabs, eat some rich blues and well, I don't know, pretend to make, uh, a lot of babies.
- (chuckles) - Mm.
I think you need your space.
You've earned it.
I love you, Dad.
Should we do one of our counting good-byes? No, that's just for sad good-byes.
Okay.
One, two, three.
- One, two, three.
- Dad (sighs) BAILIFF: All rise.
Be seated.
JUDGE: Has the jury reached a verdict? We have, Your Honor.
We, the jury, find the defendants Objection! There is no more objections.
The trial is over.
- What? When did that happen? - You were asleep.
Judge Joe Brown, we, the Chanels, hereby declare this trial a farce.
I was under the impression that I had the inalienable right to a jury of my peers.
Look at these hippos.
These are not my peers.
I'm a hot, rich, skinny chick, which makes me entitled to a jury of hot, rich, skinny chicks to see how awesome I am and to see that the three of us are innocent! Your-Your Honor! We, the jury, find that the defendants are guilty on all 47 counts.
(gallery murmuring) (shrieks) (shrieking, gavel pounding) Order in the court! - Deal with that.
- Order.
This is a travesty, Judge Mathis.
This is a kangaroo court.
And I am choosing to ignore this verdict.
What? You can't ignore the verdict.
What verdict? See, this is me ignoring the verdict.
For, like, the millionth time, my dad is super gross rich.
Like, disgusting rich.
He'll have me out of prison in no time.
Chanel, your parents abandoned you.
They legally disowned you three weeks ago and filed an amicus brief with the prosecution, stating that they think that you are a serial killer.
They also want to sue you for the time that you drove your Range Rover into their living room because you didn't want to walk all the way up the driveway.
(choked up): It is such a long driveway.
Don't worry, Ms.
Oberlin.
You ladies are not going to prison.
Thank you.
(Chuckles) You're going to an asylum.
What?! (gallery applauding) You know, you three are the worst human beings that I have ever encountered.
You have absolutely no regard for anyone but yourselves.
You're rude, entitled, narcissistic, racist and insane.
You elected to represent yourselves in a capital murder case, despite lacking even a basic understanding of the law.
And then, you-you mostly slept through your own trial.
That's crazy.
Your entire defense consisted of you screaming at the jury that you didn't kill anybody and then threatening to kill them if they found you guilty.
That is crazy behavior.
Chanel, you're crazy! Ladies, please stand.
(sighs) Stand up! (groans) JUDGE: Chanel Oberlin, Sadie Swenson, Libby Putney (Chanel laughs) I'm sorry, I keep forgetting your real name is Libby Putney.
JUDGE: I sentence you to life in prison at the Palmer Asylum for the Insane! (gallery cheering) (gavel banging) Court is adjourned.
CHANEL: It was at the very moment I had an epiphany.
Maybe he had a point.
Maybe we were sociopaths.
Maybe we never cared about anyone other than ourselves.
Maybe we were crazy, but we didn't know it because we made Kappa House crazy, surrounding ourselves with girls who had also gone crazy.
(reporters clamoring, cameras clicking) Won't you come see about me I'll be alone Dancing, you know it, baby Tell me your troubles and doubts Giving me everything Inside and out and CHANEL: And now here we were, about to spend the rest of our lives trapped with a bunch of mentally unstable women totally divorced from any sense of reality and therefore capable of anything.
From the second we set foot in that asylum, I knew we were gonna feel right at home.
Asylum life suited us just fine.
Number Three went full lez and fell in love with one of the lesbian nurses.
I mean, in women's prison, everyone's sort of lesbian, but Number Three was really going for it.
I think I'm ready to show you my ears.
CHANEL: The psychiatrist put Number Five on these meds that made her actually tolerable.
Believe me, no one was more shocked than I was when she became my best friend in the whole wide world.
I told her all my deepest, darkest secrets.
Do you want to know my biggest secret? I love it here! I never want to leave! I know! Me, too! (laughs) CHANEL: I felt totally transformed, like this enormous weight had been lifted off my shoulders.
Inside this asylum, there was no more judgment, no more popularity contests, no social media pressure to be the hottest or the meanest.
And best of all, there were no boys to stay skinny for.
Hey, hey, hey, hey (giggling) Ooh That's it.
The votes are in.
It's unanimous.
Congratulations, Chanel.
You've been voted house president.
Thank you so much.
Now, let's all raise a Dixie cup of delicious prune wine that Number Five so lovingly brewed for us in the toilet.
To Chanel.
ALL: To Chanel.
When you walk away (footsteps echoing) (sighs) (leather creaks, metallic swish) (sighs) (screaming)
I'm Zayday Williams, president, and this is my vice president, Grace Gardner.
We would also like to thank Dean Munsch for allowing us to have a winter semester rush this year.
Well, now that the unfortunate events of the fall semester are behind us and the school is back open and extremely safe, I thought, why not? Especially since the new Kappa seems to be aligned so clearly with mine and the rest of the student body's almost militant commitment to political correctness and acceptance of different and unusual points of view.
As long as they're always left-leaning.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm gonna go disinvite Jerry Seinfeld from speaking at commencement.
He told a joke about a woman once.
Allegedly.
(women murmur) We would also like to introduce you to our treasurer, Hester Ulrich.
Excuse me.
Is it still true that you guys take anyone who wants to pledge? It's actually now written in the Kappa bylaws.
So today is going to be filled with us HESTER: Hi.
It's me, Hester.
You may have noticed my eye patch.
It's temporary.
The advantage of stabbing yourself in the eye with a stiletto heel is that you know just where to jab it in order to miss the important organs, like your optic nerve or your brain.
You might have noticed that I'm the only Chanel left.
That's because I got away with it.
It was a plan 20 years in the making, and it worked.
You probably think that growing up in a mental institution would be fun.
Plenty of cigarettes and Monopoly.
(both shrieking) But it was hard at first.
(Gigi sobbing) Gigi was pretty bummed out about her sister killing herself with laxatives, - _ - and she cried a lot.
(sobbing loudly) For three years.
(sobbing continues) But with the help of good doctors and nurses at the asylum, _ Gigi was able to turn her sadness into anger, and we started planning our revenge.
(sobbing continues) - _ - Now, this is a hammer.
Hammers are good for bashing people in the skull and watching them bleed to death, okay? Now, how about this? - Knife! - Okay.
How about this one? - Chain saw.
- Great! Now, what are the advantages of using this? Easily cuts through muscle and bone, and has the added advantage of making sure your victim's final emotion is terror.
Suck ass! That's great, Hester.
Now, let's maybe let Boone answer the next one.
- But he's a moron.
- I know.
I know.
Ow! (children grunting) HESTER: We grew.
Time passed.
It did get a little lonely there.
Sometimes I made friends, but then the next thing you know, they're getting a full frontal lobotomy.
Gigi said that we would be headed to Wallace to finally put our plan into action, so I needed a persona to hide behind while we murdered people and stuff.
Boone decided that his would be to pretend to be gay, which made, like, no sense, since all that would do is make him stand out amongst those frat dudes.
But Boone was never one for really being smart.
As for me, what I've noticed is that the more weird and gross you are, the less people want to know about you.
No one asks the kid with terrible acne what their favorite movie is or where they were born.
Even though I only ate asylum food and never really exercised, I was blessed with a super tight bod.
My butt could launch a thousand ships, and my boobs were remarkably perky and even.
Couple that with my BJ lips, and I was gonna need something pretty spectacular to keep everyone from wanting to get all up in this.
Once I saw her, I knew I found my cloak of social invisibility.
(thunder rumbling) We needed a cool costume.
All killers have a cool costume Jason with his hockey mask, Freddy Krueger's sweater and hat, Cujo's totally realistic dog costume.
Hey, everyone! Come down to Jesse Helms Stadium tonight to cheer on our very own Wallace University Red Devils! Kickoff at 7:00 p.
m.
! (whoops) (knife stabbing, man gasping) HESTER: Kind of ironic that our first victim was actually the Red Devil, but when you want to make an omelet, right? (nife stabbing, man gasping) But the devil outfit was perfect.
Unisex, kind of satanic but not, like, a giant goat head satanic.
Red and black so it wouldn't stain when it was covered in blood.
And since it was the school mascot, we could walk around campus in it without being noticed.
GIGI: I think he's dead.
HESTER: It was time to begin.
We broke into Kappa and we got busy.
BOONE: I don't understand why we don't just stab this Dorkus girl.
Because this is more dramatic.
I don't know.
Stabbing can be pretty dramatic.
No, this is more poetic.
It hits these girls right in their vanity.
Wait, we're spraying acid on the furniture? How's that gonna hurt them? Just pour the acid in! HESTER: Obvi, I was the brains of the operation.
Boone was the muscle, and Gigi was the weird and psycho beating black heart.
We did have to get into college before we could execute our plan.
Hard, since we never went to high school.
Boone went undercover a year before I did.
He never actually rolled in school.
Since none of those frat guys ever went to class, it was easy to just show up there, say he was a student, and blend right in.
But I wanted to do it right.
Well, Hester, your high school transcripts are clearly faked.
And I'm guessing you made up your SAT scores, 'cause it's not possible to get one million percent on them.
Now, that being said, we do have a new mandate here at Wallace University for special needs diversity.
And seeing as we have no students with severe spinal deformities, I am gonna take a chance on you.
(stamp thuds) Welcome to Wallace.
Thank you, Dean.
You won't regret it.
(footsteps echoing) Hi.
Ooh, cool neck brace.
You ever think about decorating it? (gasps) I've got a Bedazzler back in my room.
What do you say we spice it up a bit? Um, no.
But that sounds like a lot of fun.
I hope you guys aren't freaked out by my appearance or lack of social skills and money.
Hardly.
We're part of a new wave of Kappa Kappa Tau, one filled with true sisterhood and acceptance.
Zayday here is gonna be president of this place someday.
Come on.
Let's go mingle, babies.
I'll catch up.
By the way, you guys seem really nice.
I've always said that being nice is a really good quality.
It could save your life one day.
Hmm.
(chuckles) Great.
HESTER: And so it came to be that Hester Ulrich, daughter of Sophia Doyle, returned to Kappa House to get her revenge.
And that was the night it all started.
And tonight, it all ends.
Order is restored, as they say.
More than restored reborn.
Now I have some true sisters, some real family.
The only dad I ever had was the asylum.
My only family were those nutburgers Gigi and Boone.
But now I know who my real dad is and my real half-sister, even if they don't.
And the best part is that that isn't even the best part.
Well, that isn't the best part either.
The best part is who isn't up here with us.
Yep.
No Chanels.
I mean, someone had to take all the blame.
Right? _ HESTER: You're probably thinking, what kind of person could drive a six-inch stiletto into her own eye socket? Hester, it's gonna be okay, it's gonna be okay.
(whispers): Can we save the shoe? HESTER: A person who did her homework, that's who! First, I had to get an X-ray of my own skull.
Then, I had to calculate the proper length of the heel, the angle of the insertion, with just the right amount of force to slip behind the eyeball without damaging the socket.
Also, it helps to be completely frickin' insane.
(panting softly) Because for a plan like this to work, you have to be willing to totally commit.
(screams) I mean, desperate times call for desperate measures.
This was the price I had to pay if I wanted to get away with murder and pin it all on someone else.
(whimpers) (gasps) (gasping) The Red Devil! Because some people don't deserve to just get murdered.
They need to be truly punished.
I didn't do it, I swear! Oh, please, we all know the guy from Nickelback did not, in fact, swipe right on your profile.
Uh, yes, he did, okay? Nickelback is in town playing some kid's bat mitzvah.
Please! It was clearly a ruse so you could sneak back into the house and kill Number Six! I would never, Chanel! I'm one of the good guys! Look, I-I know, I know that I can be socially awkward and-and a little bit off-putting and that most people find it very difficult to be around me, but you know me, Chanel.
I'm not the killer.
Um, excuse me? I think you're a serial killer because I know you, Number Five! You bite your own toenails.
Okay, I am flexible.
Why would I waste my money buying toenail clippers when God already blessed me with toenail clippers in the form of teeth in my mouth?! It's awfully convenient that you're the one who noticed - Number Two's body went missing.
- (gasps) Maybe you knew it was gone 'cause you'd already taken it to the house on Shady Lane.
Look, we should all just stay up and wait until Number Five gets tired and passes out.
She confesses all sorts of crazy stuff in her sleep.
She and I were roommates the first year we lived in the house.
I unlocked the brakes on Grandma's wheelchair so that she would slide down the driveway into the traffic.
Shut up! Go to sleep! When I fart, I cup it in my hand and smell it.
Dear God, shut up! CHANEL: Wait a minute.
Everybody, shut up! I know what happened.
You killed Number Two and confessed it in your sleep to Roger and Dodger after a hot night of letting them Eiffel Tower you.
And once you knew that they both knew, you realized you'd have to kill them! Oh.
Oh, I see where this is going.
You're gonna try and pin all of these murders on me so I spend the rest of my life in prison.
Oh, no, my friend.
You are going to the electric chair.
No! Do they still use those? Uh-huh.
Okay.
Well, thank you for letting me know.
Well, well, well.
This just in.
Police Chief Denise Hemphill just got a call.
A decomposing male body was found with rippling abs and a possible gay face that appears to be a match for one Boone Clemens.
That's right, y'all! Hot damn, shazam! Boone is dead.
Excuse me for a second while I drop the mic.
We already knew Boone was dead.
Pete admitted to killing him.
Okay, well, excuse me for trying to reiterate the facts and get us all on the same page.
I mean, after all, I am just the chief of the whole damn police department.
Okay, look, this is all so insane.
Look, we can all freely admit that Number Five is fairly odd, but she is not the killer.
The killer is Hester.
Yes, and the proof is in her files.
(door closes) The only proof you need is this hole in my head.
Good news.
Chanel #5 didn't insert the heel hard enough to pierce my orbital socket.
The doctors were able to save my eyeball, and they said that I'm gonna make a full recovery.
No, that can't be true.
You're the killer! Your entire life story is totally fabricated.
Just look at her insane, obviously made-up, high school transcript.
I'm very embarrassed about that.
Yes, it's true, I falsified my high school transcripts, but only to cover up the fact that I was homeschooled.
- (gasps) - Mm.
I-I was afraid that if people found out, they wouldn't ask me to join a sorority.
Liar! You are the baby in the bathtub.
You look just like Boone.
And Pete told us that your DNA matched Boone and my dad.
Are you talking about the same Pete who admitted to being one of the killers? He's just making that all up to cover for his real partner in crime, Chanel #5! No.
Well, then how do you explain the fact that there's absolutely no records on your parents anywhere? - (doorbell rings) - CHANEL: Ugh! I think the answer to that is at the door.
What? (dog whimpers) - Sweetheart.
- Hester? Oh, sweetheart, are you okay? Stepfather.
We came as soon as we heard.
HESTER: Oh, Mother.
Cuddlebear.
Everyone, these are my parents, Clark and Delight.
Hester is our biological daughter.
She definitely was not adopted.
(chuckles): I have the stretch marks to prove it.
That's right, we're prepared to corroborate everything my stepdaughter, Hester, has just said.
Do I know you? Wait, hold on, there's no record of Hester's parents anywhere.
That's because, until recently, my husband and I worked for the CIA.
We were forced to remain deep undercover to protect Hester and Cuddlebear and the people who love them.
Wait, I do know! I know where I know you from.
You're from that prostate commercial.
Can you say that line I love so much? Uh "Thanks, MaxFlow, my stream's never been stronger.
" "Never been stronger," yes! I love that line! Well, in order to not blow their super-secret CIA covers, my parents sometimes work as actors in commercials.
Oh, yeah, yeah.
Well, I want to talk to my parents, so they can explain to you how I am not a serial killer, nor am I the baby in the bathtub.
Don't worry, I already called your parents.
(doorbell rings) CHANEL: Ugh! Wha? CHANEL #5: (gasps) Mom and Dad! Hi! Can you please tell everybody how I wasn't adopted, nor am I a serial killer? So, we're not Chanel #5's real parents.
A woman named Gigi gave her to us after a sizable stint in a mental institution.
What?! We took her in out of the kindness of our hearts.
And also for the tax deduction.
That's not true! All Gigi asked was that when the time came that we enroll our daughter at Wallace University and encourage her to pledge Kappa Kappa Tau.
We tried to love her like our own, but, I mean she's not great.
And now that the truth is out that she's probably a murderer, we don't want to have anything to do with her.
No! How could you do this to me?! _ I have to be honest, we've actually discussed doing exactly what you're proposing.
As soon as she learned to talk, I wanted to disown her.
I mean, maybe she's the killer on campus, maybe she's not, - but she probably is, right? - Yeah.
Yeah.
I mean, she just sucks.
Our daughter sucks.
I can't believe what I'm hearing! Please tell them the truth.
It is the truth, you frumpy monster.
(gasps) The psychologists said you probably wouldn't remember the asylum on account of it being so traumatic.
Your mind filled in the gaps with imagined memories - of growing up in our house.
- But, sweetie, you're toxic, and you're bumming us out, so it's time for you to go.
DENISE: Okay, okay, I have heard enough.
Now, I still believe that Zayday Williams is the killer.
Okay.
But this, this is real suspicious.
So, Chanel #5, you are under arrest.
What?! You can't arrest me don't you need, like, a warrant or something from a judge? DENISE: What?! I'm the chief of the police department, and I can arrest whoever I want.
And, little girl, you, - you got the right to remain silent.
- (handcuffs click) And you got some other rights that come after that, and I don't know what they are, 'cause I don't remember what I'm supposed to say after "You got the right to remain silent," but come on! Wait, I'm not finished.
She's not the only killer.
You also need to arrest Chanel #3! Wait, you think I'm the killer? I know for a fact that you're working hand-in-hand with Chanel #5 and her evil killing brother Boone, and that your first victim was Deaf Taylor Swift.
What? That's impossible.
When the pledges were buried up to their necks in the backyard, I was sipping banana daiquiris at the White Stallion.
Well, yeah, you came to the White Stallion with us, but then you disappeared as soon as we got there.
Care to elaborate, Number Three? I can explain.
When I got to the bar, I realized my stomach was really bothering me.
I thought maybe someone had put something in my drink because I was tting mad cramps, and I knew it was gonna be trouble.
I was past needing to go number two.
I needed to go number three.
(gasping) But the bathrooms at the White Stallion are freakin' disgusting.
There was no way I was gonna lay down some pipe in there.
So I went back to Kappa House and I destroyed the bathroom upstairs.
But I didn't kill anyone.
Hmm, so let me get this straight.
You're accusing someone here in Kappa House of putting laxatives in your cocktail? Messing with somebody's regularity? That's downright criminal.
I just don't understand how deep the hole's supposed to be.
Whore deep! What kind of a question is that?! (sighs) Useless.
HESTER: Hmm, but let's say you aren't lying and that you didn't mow Deaf Taylor Swift's head off.
I know for a fact that you killed Predatory Lez.
No, I didn't.
You know, when you sent her down there to die because you were too ashamed of your feelings for her, I went down there to check on her, when I caught a glimpse of someone running up the stairs, and they were wearing earmuffs! - You're lying! - That's just what I saw.
Well, just saying you saw something isn't evidence.
No, you right, it's not evidence.
But it is suspicious.
You know why? 'Cause you the only one in here wearing earmuffs! Yeah, I know.
HESTER: Let's not forget the most suspicious fact of all.
You're Charles Manson's daughter.
Uh, say what, now?! And you have a shoebox full of letters from him giving you advice on how to kill your friends.
Wait, Number Three, is that true? I can explain.
Yes, I've become pen pals with my biological father, Charles Manson.
I wanted my real dad to help me with some growing-up stuff, like how to French-kiss a boy or how to know when I've met Mr.
or Miss Right.
But when he writes back, his advice is always, "Maybe you should murder some of your sorority sisters.
" HESTER: Why don't you go ahead and read us one? Mm-hmm.
"Precious daughter, "I'm sorry I don't know anything about yeast infections, "but I did see an incredible story on the news about, uh, a pizza guy who had a bomb strapped to him.
" What? "I'm totes sad that I can't order "a pizza to the penitentiary and strap a bomb to the pizza guy, but that doesn't mean y-you can't.
" Oh, man.
That's real suspicious.
I-I'm telling you, I didn't kill anybody.
Well, maybe you didn't, but your split personality did.
I have a signed letter here from your psychiatrist.
I've never been to a psychiatrist.
Well, your split personality has.
It says right here.
"Dear Hester, "yes, I treated Chanel #3 for split personality disorder "over the course of about eight months.
"She showed up at my office in a leather jacket, "claiming her name was Dirty Helen "and that she was the leader - "of a notorious West Coast biker gang.
- (gasps) "Dirty Helen made threats against my family, "and I was forced to move my practice out of the country.
Signed, Dr.
Adam Berkel, MD.
" Oh, my God, so you're saying that Dirty Helen could have killed Sam and Deaf Taylor Swift and I would have no memory of killing them or receiving treatment? That's exactly how a split personality works.
Chanel #5 admitted to you that she was the baby in the bathtub, and then she convinced your split personality to join her on a killing spree.
So, Dirty Helen, I'm the other baby in the bathtub, and I want you to join my killing spree.
Okay, cool.
But let's not tell Chanel #3.
CHANEL #5: This conversation never took place! Yeah, but if it did, I wouldn't remember 'cause you were talking to my evil split personality, Dirty Helen.
Okay, Chanel #3, you are under arrest.
CHANEL #3: Sam, wherever you are, I'm so sorry my split personality murdered you! - (handcuffs click) - Wait! There's someone else you need to arrest, too.
Chanel Oberlin! - Wait.
What? - Excuse me.
Uh, if you're gonna just continue to accuse everyone, could we at least sit down? Liam, we're gonna lose our reservation.
Uh, it's all really interesting though.
I have proof that you, Chanel Oberlin, entered a home improvement store two months ago and purchased the following items A garden shear, a riding mower, three chain saws, a pneumatic nail gun, two axes, and a crossbow.
Okay, first of all, I was the one who was shot with the crossbow! And also they don't sell crossbows at home improvement centers! Oh, Chanel, the security footage begs to differ.
It's also stated right here, in your Diners Club monthly statement.
I'll take that, too.
What?! I don't have a Diners Club card! Is Diners Club still even a thing? - I still keep one in my wallet for backup.
- Mm.
I don't know why I'm the one who always has to bring this up, but we did all watch Chanel burn Ms.
Bean's face off.
For the last time, that was a Hell Week prank gone wrong! I didn't know the oil was boiling! Someone turned on that deep fryer! (deep fryer whirring) - I don't know.
- CHANEL #3: And I did just watch you try to murder Melanie Dorkus with a pair of scissors earlier this afternoon.
I only did that because I thought she was the killer! I mean, I'm telling you, I'm not the Red Devil! You bitch.
What is your game here? I mean, I'm all for Number Five being the killer.
She's a weird psychopath who would look like Boone's homely, bloated sister if she let her horrible black roots grow out.
She probably is the baby in the bathtub.
And I am 100% not surprised that Chanel #3 is also a psycho with a split personality, who is helping Number Five murder everybody! But why me?! I mean, I am a pillar of this community.
I'm also already hot and rich.
What would I have to gain by hatching a plan to knock off a bunch of nameless dumb whores? I don't think that you did hatch the plan, Chanel.
But I think that once the murders started happening, you saw it as the perfect opportunity to knock off the pledges that you thought would ruin Kappa Kappa Tau.
With each murdered pledge, this sorority house got closer to being the Kappa Tau that you always intended it to be! Oh, yeah? Well, then why didn't I kill the two pledges I actually hate dumb-ass Grace and stupid Zayday? Plausible deniability! You knew by keeping these two alive that it would keep everyone off your scent.
No! Come on, Cyclops.
In the sleuthing business, that's what we call ice-cold logic.
It's obvious when you look at it, Chanel, that everything that's happened on this campus so far is just the logical next step for sororities everywhere.
Because what's murder if not the most perfect, ultimate form of hazing? What better way for you to knock off everyone that you hate, because they're different from you or not as popular or not as pretty, than to murder them one by one?! (Chanels gasping) Congratulations, Chanel.
You almost got the Kappa House that you always dreamed of.
DENISE: This is what I like to call first-class entertainment.
And I'd love nothing more than to stand around here watching you all descend into a nightmare of accusation and recrimination.
But I am here to represent the law.
And unfortunately for you, Chanel Oberlin aka one of the murderers you are under arrest.
You'll never take me alive! Time to call in the po-po.
The chief of police is requesting backup.
We all fall down (Chanels screaming) Like toy soldiers It wasn't my intention - GRACE: Are these strippers? - They used to be strippers, okay? But, uh, super-sleuthing Chief of Police Denise Hemphill had 'em deputized.
Get 'em, boys! (Chanels continue screaming) Takes the fall Won't you come out and play with me Step by step Heart to heart Left, right, left We all fall down You rich, dumb hos are going downtown! Get 'em out of here! You can't! Wait, no! (screaming) You can't! Wait, no, no! (screaming continues) I still gots my eye on you, Zayday Williams! For toy soldiers _ MUNSCH: What a difference five months can make.
Order on campus was restored.
And when the Chanels were denied bail and sent to jail awaiting trial (gavel banging) I am holding you in contempt of court.
Bail is revoked! MUNSCH: justice had been served.
Chad Radwell and Denise Hemphill continued their torrid love affair.
It ceased to be just a booty call.
When they broke up, he was devastated.
I'm sorry! I just don't understand how you just end it.
Because we're chasing waterfalls! We got to stick to the rivers and the lakes that we used to! I thought we were in the marriage zone.
I don't have a choice is what I'm telling you.
I got to be in Quantico tomorrow.
I know you need me.
You need all of this.
- But the FBI needs me more.
- The FBI is not gonna have that.
That's mine! - Denise, you hurt me real bad.
- Don't do that.
Wait, wait! No, no! Baby, please! Don't let it end like this.
Don't do that to us.
Come on.
Come on, baby.
Don't go chasing waterfalls (sighs, grunts) Please stick to the rivers Damn it, Denise.
It was never gonna work out between us.
We got too close to the sun, baby.
We shined too bright.
I promise I will never bang anyone the way I banged you.
Boy, you gonna make me cry! Don't go chasing waterfalls (both moaning) Please stick to the rivers And the lakes that you're used to Go.
Just go! You don't want to look back at it? One more time? But I think you're moving too fast Go! (crying) Press outlets of the world, on behalf of all the Dickie Dollar Scholars who are no longer with us (sighs) I would like to announce the formation of The Dickie Dollar Earl Grey Roger Dodger Caulfield Charitable Foundation, or the DDEGRDCCF.
From henceforth, all proceeds from every Dollar Scholar kegger, wet T-shirt contest, coed mud wrestling tournament and Jell-O shot gavage will go that's right to charity.
What's up? What charity will the Dollar Scholars be pledging to support? What do you mean, "what charity"? Just charity.
All proceeds will go to charity.
Yes, uh, but which charity? Uh I-I don't know.
- All of them? - (reporters murmuring) Okay, you know, I'm not a big fan of gotcha questions, dude! My friends are dead! I have nothing left! Nothing! Next question.
MUNSCH: As for me, I wrote up a quick book and became a media sensation.
I was on the cover of Time, Newsweek and Men's Health.
Well, I didn't write it.
I had a ghostwriter do it.
Okay, well, there you go.
Dean Munsch, your book is an absolute revelation.
Is there any way you could sum up your philosophy on new new feminism in just a few words? Um if feminism was about demanding equal treatment for women, and new feminism was saying that men and women are integral complements to one another, then I guess we could sum up, uh, new new feminism really in three simple words Women are better.
(laughter) I mean, the proof it's right in front of us.
If you think about all of human history, add up the wars and the genocide, all the oppression, the violence, the exploitation, the degradation of the human spirit, what do all those things have in common? Dudes.
They have dudes in common, right? Yeah.
So maybe, just maybe, it's not just places like Wallace University that are better off with a woman in charge.
Maybe we'd be better off if a woman was charge ALL: Everywhere! Exactly! (whooping, cheering) Thank you.
Thank you.
The culture at this university has been changed for the better.
It's true, a lot of people had to die to make that happen, but I often catch myself thinking, "You know what? Maybe it was worth it.
" _ Girls, I am thrilled that you've taken the initiative to do the upkeep for our new memorial.
Well, we decided it was the least Kappa could do.
Considering Kappa is kind of the reason they're all dead.
Isn't it so beautiful? And so nice of the Radwells to donate the money to commission it and have it built so quickly? Yeah, I'm-I'm not sure I'm fully committed to the design.
Oh, and I should've never let Chad write the inscription.
But I suppose money still talks.
Yeah, well, we've got to get going because I am planning a "get your yummies in and your feelings out" baking party at the house tonight.
We're gonna make cookies and brownies, and eat them while we talk about our feelings.
Hester, you think you can finish up the rest of this? Make sure my boy Earl gets some extra love.
Yeah.
- Well, that just sounds awful.
- I don't know.
I for one prefer the saccharine banality of life under Grace and Zayday to the toxic sludge the Chanels force-fed us every day like we were pâtéd geese.
Yeah, I suppose I agree.
But what happened here to those poor kids and the others was was truly awful.
I mean, it was an American tragedy.
At least some good came out of all of that evil.
Oh, more than some, Dean.
I-I read your best-selling New York Times book three times.
Th-These kids were martyrs for a much bigger cause.
I know it was you, Hester.
I remember that little girl's face in the bathroom that night.
Burned into my memory, like Joe Theismann's injury and Two Girls One Cup.
I remember every detail of her little face.
And I certainly would know what she would look like all grown up.
It's not my fault that all of that happened to me.
You see how awesome Wes is.
He would've been my dad.
I would've had a good life.
Maybe if I would've had a real dad, my brother wouldn't have turned into such a douche.
Maybe family trips to ski in Innsbruck or to Williamstown to see Tim Daly in Death of a Salesman would've turned me into a much more sane young woman.
But that didn't happen.
And I can't be blamed for the painful circumstances of my upbringing.
No, but those kids died.
They're dead.
And that is your fault.
I didn't kill any of these kids.
Except for Pete, but he's a killer, so that's allowed.
By the state, Hester.
After a trial and lengthy appeals and using drugs that are mostly painless.
It all worked out, Dean.
And I'm never gonna kill again.
As long as I'm not texting and driving.
Everyone got what they wanted.
And even if the Chanels didn't actually kill any of these people, they perpetuated the system that created me and my brother, Pete and Gigi.
So if anyone should pay for this, it should be them.
I also have a conscience, and a responsibility to all those dead kids, that their killer be brought to justice.
So I am gonna turn you in, Hester.
Then I'm gonna turn you in, for covering up the murder of my mother and killing your ex-husband.
(whispers): Or we could just say we're good and move on.
To our very happy and successful best-selling lives.
- Okay.
- Okay, great.
- Take care.
- You, too.
See ya.
This is the "Sophia Doyle I Just Had a Baby and Don't Know What to Do" hotline center.
Now, any girl in the situation that Sophia found herself in in that bathtub 20 years ago has a lifeline.
Someone she can call for help.
I mean, of course, the girls who find her can also call as well.
We just want to make sure that nothing like this ever happens on campus again.
Yeah.
Well, it certainly is specific.
Yeah.
How's it going so far? Um not a lot of activity yet.
- Right.
- Yeah.
Well, you know, with all the changes that you guys have facilitated all over the campus, maybe the next girl who has surprise twins at a party won't have to call for help.
Her friends will just now know not to let her bleed to death, because it's the right thing to do.
(sighs softly) Hey.
Um, I'm really proud of you, Gracie.
I-I want to give you a present.
Something to acknowledge, you know, all the hard work that you've done this year.
Wait, Dad.
Are you getting me a car? What? No.
No.
No, what-what are you out of your mind? No.
No.
Trust.
Trust, Gracie.
I-I'm giving you my trust.
Oh.
Oh, well, that's cool, too.
Yeah.
You know, I-I just, I-I never I never actually gave you the chance to matriculate here.
I mean, as a student, sure, but not as a woman.
I mean, I was stalking you outside of the sorority house, I got a job in the department so I could keep my eye on you.
And I never really trusted you to take care of yourself.
Well, clearly, I was wrong about that.
- So does this mean you're leaving? - Well, Dean Munsch, um (laughs) Cathy, uh I can't stop calling her that, especially because she likes me to call her "Dean Munsch" in bed.
Uh, anyway, Cathy and I, we're going to Napa for a couple of weeks.
We're gonna, we're gonna suck down some deep cabs, eat some rich blues and well, I don't know, pretend to make, uh, a lot of babies.
- (chuckles) - Mm.
I think you need your space.
You've earned it.
I love you, Dad.
Should we do one of our counting good-byes? No, that's just for sad good-byes.
Okay.
One, two, three.
- One, two, three.
- Dad (sighs) BAILIFF: All rise.
Be seated.
JUDGE: Has the jury reached a verdict? We have, Your Honor.
We, the jury, find the defendants Objection! There is no more objections.
The trial is over.
- What? When did that happen? - You were asleep.
Judge Joe Brown, we, the Chanels, hereby declare this trial a farce.
I was under the impression that I had the inalienable right to a jury of my peers.
Look at these hippos.
These are not my peers.
I'm a hot, rich, skinny chick, which makes me entitled to a jury of hot, rich, skinny chicks to see how awesome I am and to see that the three of us are innocent! Your-Your Honor! We, the jury, find that the defendants are guilty on all 47 counts.
(gallery murmuring) (shrieks) (shrieking, gavel pounding) Order in the court! - Deal with that.
- Order.
This is a travesty, Judge Mathis.
This is a kangaroo court.
And I am choosing to ignore this verdict.
What? You can't ignore the verdict.
What verdict? See, this is me ignoring the verdict.
For, like, the millionth time, my dad is super gross rich.
Like, disgusting rich.
He'll have me out of prison in no time.
Chanel, your parents abandoned you.
They legally disowned you three weeks ago and filed an amicus brief with the prosecution, stating that they think that you are a serial killer.
They also want to sue you for the time that you drove your Range Rover into their living room because you didn't want to walk all the way up the driveway.
(choked up): It is such a long driveway.
Don't worry, Ms.
Oberlin.
You ladies are not going to prison.
Thank you.
(Chuckles) You're going to an asylum.
What?! (gallery applauding) You know, you three are the worst human beings that I have ever encountered.
You have absolutely no regard for anyone but yourselves.
You're rude, entitled, narcissistic, racist and insane.
You elected to represent yourselves in a capital murder case, despite lacking even a basic understanding of the law.
And then, you-you mostly slept through your own trial.
That's crazy.
Your entire defense consisted of you screaming at the jury that you didn't kill anybody and then threatening to kill them if they found you guilty.
That is crazy behavior.
Chanel, you're crazy! Ladies, please stand.
(sighs) Stand up! (groans) JUDGE: Chanel Oberlin, Sadie Swenson, Libby Putney (Chanel laughs) I'm sorry, I keep forgetting your real name is Libby Putney.
JUDGE: I sentence you to life in prison at the Palmer Asylum for the Insane! (gallery cheering) (gavel banging) Court is adjourned.
CHANEL: It was at the very moment I had an epiphany.
Maybe he had a point.
Maybe we were sociopaths.
Maybe we never cared about anyone other than ourselves.
Maybe we were crazy, but we didn't know it because we made Kappa House crazy, surrounding ourselves with girls who had also gone crazy.
(reporters clamoring, cameras clicking) Won't you come see about me I'll be alone Dancing, you know it, baby Tell me your troubles and doubts Giving me everything Inside and out and CHANEL: And now here we were, about to spend the rest of our lives trapped with a bunch of mentally unstable women totally divorced from any sense of reality and therefore capable of anything.
From the second we set foot in that asylum, I knew we were gonna feel right at home.
Asylum life suited us just fine.
Number Three went full lez and fell in love with one of the lesbian nurses.
I mean, in women's prison, everyone's sort of lesbian, but Number Three was really going for it.
I think I'm ready to show you my ears.
CHANEL: The psychiatrist put Number Five on these meds that made her actually tolerable.
Believe me, no one was more shocked than I was when she became my best friend in the whole wide world.
I told her all my deepest, darkest secrets.
Do you want to know my biggest secret? I love it here! I never want to leave! I know! Me, too! (laughs) CHANEL: I felt totally transformed, like this enormous weight had been lifted off my shoulders.
Inside this asylum, there was no more judgment, no more popularity contests, no social media pressure to be the hottest or the meanest.
And best of all, there were no boys to stay skinny for.
Hey, hey, hey, hey (giggling) Ooh That's it.
The votes are in.
It's unanimous.
Congratulations, Chanel.
You've been voted house president.
Thank you so much.
Now, let's all raise a Dixie cup of delicious prune wine that Number Five so lovingly brewed for us in the toilet.
To Chanel.
ALL: To Chanel.
When you walk away (footsteps echoing) (sighs) (leather creaks, metallic swish) (sighs) (screaming)