Sealab 2021 (2000) s01e13 Episode Script

If you're looking for me.
You better check under the sea.
Cause that is where you'll find me.
Underneath the Sealab.
Underneath the water.
Sealab at the bottom of the sea.
Madre mia, the reactor's been hit! Ah, radiation leak! I'm sealing it off! Good god, Ben.
You just wasted the lives of 20 good men! Si, capitan.
20 Lives to save 200.
Those are odds I can live with.
How dare you gamble gamble with with With their souls.
Their what? I-I can barely hear you.
Cut! Okay, people.
This is not a break, so don't go anywhere.
Ho ho, good- do you even read the scripts? Hal! Why? Oh, these lines' all wrong.
Don't think, Hal! Eric, once again, terrific! - Ok, baby.
- How you feeling? You're hot? - No, no.
- You're hot.
- Nah - Somebody give Mr.
Estrada his spring water! - Coming! - You gotta hydrate, Eric.
It's key.
All right, baby.
Hal! Why? It's just you know, this line.
- Why would Murphy take orders from Marco - I'm getting It's like there's a knife in my eye, and you're twisting it, man.
- And would Murphy even care about a bunch of zombies? I mean come on! - Hal! Hal! What?! - Eric, buddy.
- Yes, sir.
What can I say? I'm helpless, man.
I love you! All right, baby.
Oh, please.
Let's pick it up at 20 lives, people.
Places, people.
Rolling, speeding.
Torpedo attack, take seven.
Cue light and siren.
Ok, cue fog.
Fog! Fog! The fog machine, idiot! Ass.
And action! Less fog! Less fog, ass.
Less! Here we go, from the top.
Si, capitan.
20 Lives to save 200.
Those are odds I can live with.
Cut! That's a break.
I'll be in my trailer.
Damn it, Hal! Hey, Eric, wait up.
Buzz off, dude.
Miller! Why am I a freaking Martian? Hey, hey, sweet! Wardrobe got you set up.
And listen, you're not a Martian.
You're from a super race of symbiotes.
A little snake lives in your belly.
Since when? Well, the writers were you know, having trouble writing for urban characters.
Urban means black.
So, now, he's black Mr.
Sparks.
But urban, like, get at me, dog! This show sucks.
Here you go, Mr.
Butler.
A spear?! Space spear.
Shoots lasers.
Man, all I know is I better be getting points on these stupid dolls.
My girlfriend's tuition isn't going to pay itself.
Look at this crap.
That'syour action figure? I'mwaybetter looking than this.
I can't believe this.
look at mine.
Does this look right? You wish! This shows sucks.
The writers absolutely suck.
Have they ever even talked to a woman? I mean, when I do get a line, my character's either pregnant or having her period or screwing some-- don't forget the gratuitous nudity.
God, I know! And could this green room be any hotter? So, uh, you want to have sex? Yeah.
- Man, this show totally blows butt.
- Yeah.
That Debbie chick is, like, mad hot! Sick hot, dude! Let's go get some pills from mom.
I'm going to eat the hell out of some pills.
Where's my writer? Ok, let-- what are you wearing? It's pretty tough, don't you think? Where is Erik? Well, probably in his trailer.
I don't have a trailer.
- I don't even have a chair.
- Hal! - But what I want is a trailer-- - Hal! - in which to put my chari.
- What I want is to make the most adrenaline-pumping, fogged up, smoked out, action sequence since Hooper, so just do the scene! Yeah, I know, but it just doesn't make any sense.
Oh, you know what doesn't make sense, actually, is, um, you, because, like, I had you written as 30ish and handsome.
Please tell the writer not to address the talent.
What talent? oh, you! oh.
sorry.
Oh, yeah, cute.
Where's all this going, Adam Reed, writer of Sealab 2021? God.
Torpedo attack, then the alien caveman kidnapped Debbie, then they go back in time adn join McHale's navy.
- Love.
- And then sealab blows up somehow.
Oh, yeah.
Another punch out ending? Oh, god.
No! We pull out at the last shot to reveal a snow globe with sealab inside.
- What?! - And that is the end.
- It's layers upon layers, Hal.
- It's awesome.
That's-- that's citizen kane, you hack! Do not call me a hack, ok? You hole! I wrote for Carrot Top.
What drew you to the role of Sparks? Well, Sparks is just such a great character, but I think the main impetus was My gundum told me to take the part.
Gun--um, gun what? Gun-dum.
He's my mentor in astarotology.
Oh.
right.
The Hollywood cult.
It's not a cult! It's a religion.
Not according to the IRS.
Oh, there will be a day of reckoning for you, nonbeliever! A totaling of sums and a snapping of necks! And you will count yourself among the damned! What's it like working with Estrada? Never met him.
Torpedo attack, take 13.
Si, capitan.
20 Lives to save 200.
Those are odds I can live with.
How dare you gamble with their souls.
- Hal! - What? - That's the line.
- Hal.
Pretend you're an actor.
Shut up.
Ok, that's it! I'll be in my trailer.
Way to go, Hal.
All right.
where are my cavemen? Guys, we're a little behind.
But I need you to keep that energy up.
Do not mess with me! Somebody go get Erik.
Hello? Mr.
Estrada.
They're ready for you, sir.
Man, I look good in khaki! Watch out! a drunk driver! Go get 'em, ponch! This is 7-Mary-4.
- We're in hot pursuit.
- Mr.
Estrada.
Hello? Buzz off, dude.
This is where my trailer would be, in this taped area kind of right here.
yeah.
Hey.
I really need to get these guys in some water.
- All of this area inside the tape-- - Because, - would be my trailer.
- They're dying.
- I don't have time for this, ok? - And this chair with my name on it-- Get out of my chair, Hal.
What the hell are you wearing? Murphy's a captain, right? Taking him in a new direction-- You have 5 seconds to be on your mark and in wardrobe, or I will personally climb inside your abdominal cavity and make a little house in there for my dogs to play in! Your stupid mutts get a playhouse.
But I can't even get a freaking chair! Kill him! kill him! get him! Oh, yeah! beat the crap out of him! Damn it, Darlene.
What did I tell you about the pills? They need them pills to keep them happy, so's they can work.
I got bills to pay, damn it.
Oh, yeah? Price of crack go up? Oh, you don't talk to me like that.
I'll sue your Hollywood ass.
My bad, beotch.
Thank you, Brett.
Word up, homes.
That "urban" enough for you? No, diggity.
Ok, people.
we get this shot, it's lunch.
Fajitas.
I know you like that.
Fajitas! Erik, are you ready? Wait.
Yes.
let's do it.
Hal, you gonna be a buddy? Aw, what's the point? - Hal! - I don't even have a chair.
Ok, we get this shot, I'll give you Adam's chair.
- Dude! - Shut up.
Hal, are we deal buddies? No punch out ending? I mean, like that giant space baby crap we did last week? Stop twisting the knife! Can I have a second with Al? My name is Hal! Yeah, whatever.
Al Hal, it's not about the chairs.
- Yeah, but-- - Look at that chair, Hal.
- Huh? - Look at the chair! Now look at me.
Now quick! look at the chair again! Now how did those fajitas get there? I'll tell you how.
Movie magic.
And we're lucky enough to be part of it, because we're actors.
We're not chairs! We're not fajitas! We, sir, are actors! Oh, my god.
that's it.
I--I see it now.
I love you, Erik.
Yeah, whatever.
And action! All right, let's try this.
Si, capitan.
20 Lives to save 200.
Those are odds I can live with.
How dare you gamble with their sou-- - Roll out! - Damn it! Damn it! Damn! Damn! Damn! Honey! honey, wake up! You won't believe the dream I just had! Oh, all right, Hal.
what is it? I was an actor or a captain or something, but underwater.
I'm happy for you.
good night.
Nothing made sense in this place.
I--I mean, Erik Estrada was there, and-- Hal, I want a divorce.
I'm sorry? So am I, Hal, but I don't love you anymore.
This isn't very funny.
No.
no, it's not.
something's just aren't funny.
That Sealab show is funny.
Only sometimes.