See Dad Run (2012) s01e13 Episode Script

Anyone notice the looks I'm getting from those two fine young ladies? Maybe it's because I've recently grown out my mustache.
- Mm.
- Yeah.
Or they're mesmerized by that spaghetti sideburn you're sporting.
Oh, man.
Why didn't you tell me? Here they are.
My favorite people! Hey! - Mario.
- Hi.
David, great to see you.
Oh, man, everything was fantastic, thank you.
I see everyone had the Hobbs special.
Like we had a choice.
Don't you run off.
I have tiramisu for everybody.
- Nice.
- Ooh, tiramisu.
Tiramisu, tiramisu.
Would you like to share with the rest of the class, Emily? I'm snap-Talking with Matthew.
I sent him a picture of my pasta shaped like a Smiley face, and he sent me a picture of a heart made out of ketchup, so then I sent him No, no, no, no, no.
Don't ruin the ending for me.
- Hi.
- Sorry to interrupt.
We heard celebrities eat here.
Could we bother you for a picture? Oh, well.
Okay, sure.
Why don't those ladies want your picture, mommy? 'Cause nobody watches soap operas anymore.
So nobody cares who mommy is, sweetie.
All right.
Let's just do this thing.
- Ooh.
- Ay yi yi.
Well, um, we'll We'll get that one to go.
- Yeah.
- Um Emily, Emily, you've been on that phone all night, and it's family night.
Come on.
You keep this up, I'm gonna take it away from you.
It's like we're raising a forehead.
Hey! Maybe Maybe this will change your mind.
I set up a smart alert for David Hobbs.
Now any time your name pops up on the Internet, I get an alert.
About my daddy.
Really? Nice.
- Whoa.
- What? - What? What? - Uh-Oh.
What is it? Does America's number one dad treat his kids like they're number two? This is Mitch Kroft, and, David Hobbs you have been Mitch-Slapped! It was an accident.
Sure, you just keep telling yourself that.
I was as surprised as anyone to see how David Hobbs treats his son.
I mean, it went from innocent dessert to terror misu.
Ouch.
I know I'm your favorite, but can you make it a little less obvious? - Dad.
- Yeah? Why did that guy lie about you? You didn't do it on purpose.
Unless I did something to annoy you.
'Cause sometimes I do this nervous rambling thing that bugs people, and I don't really realize I'm doing it Joe, Joe, Joe, Joe.
You're doing it.
It's just what these people do, sweetie.
They take pictures of celebrities, and they try to make us look bad, for money.
- Hmm? Okay.
- All right? Go get ready for school, pal.
All right.
If I ever do something to annoy you, you can just tell me, so then I'll be aware of it Joe you're doing it again.
Ooh, I'm sorry.
Did I say "Us celebrities"? my mistake.
A real celebrity has more than seven people following them on Twitter.
Honey, as soon as I found out where Twitter is, I will follow you there, okay? A clip of you nailing Joe has already gotten 9,000 hits online.
Emily, honey.
You're You're gonna do that.
You should have texted her.
- You okay with this? - What? The tabloids can be pretty rough.
What? Come on.
This just goes along with being America's number one dad for ten years running.
Right? Come on.
They're trying to knock me off my pedestal.
I'm surprised it didn't happen sooner.
Oh, it did.
Remember when they wrote you were having a scandalous affair with Sophia vergera? Oh, yeah.
The humanity.
- Ow! - Oh.
Just relax, and daddy will take care of this, okay? Yeah.
All right.
What do you think, huh? Don't you look pretty? Does it look pretty to you? Um no, it does not.
And you say you know hair.
At least one of us looks good.
- Yeah? - Hey, Hey, David.
- Marcus! - Hey, hey.
Golf! Marcus, golf.
Ooh! Houston, we have a problem here.
No, no, no.
Houston does not have a problem, Marcus.
We do not have a problem, okay? I need to golf.
I'm going insane in this house.
Seriously, I've had more tea parties than the queen.
I am I am a legend in "duck, duck, goose.
" You know what "I spy," Marcus? You know what "I spy"? "I spy" a golf course.
Let me explain something to you, David.
Every morning my wife gets up and goes down to huckelberry's to get a dozen eclairs.
All right.
You like eclairs.
Man, that dozen is gone before she gets to the house.
You live two blocks from the store.
David, she drives with her knees.
She drives with her knees.
Just leans With the knees.
Listen.
The point is, they hold those eclairs because she is close, personal friends with David Hobbs.
- I understand.
- This morning? No eclairs.
And she came home with this.
This is a picture of me and Emily when she was five years old, Marcus.
Come on, they pulled this out of the archives.
This is ridiculous.
This is my favorite game to play with her.
I'd hang her upside down by her ankles.
She loved it.
This guy is just trying to dig up some dirt.
There's nothing there.
You gotta do something, man, to get out in front of this, all right? You gotta do something big, man.
Look at this.
Oh, come on.
You know what, Marcus? Look, my My fans, they still love me, and then they'll go with me no matter what.
Oh, hang on.
Hello? Yes, This is David Hobbs, the one and only.
What? Why? No, hang Hang on a second.
That That was a complete misunderstanding.
No, I'm not raising my voice.
I'm fine.
Well now I'm raising my voice 'cause you canceled my tee time! How's that? Hello? Oh, they canceled our tee time, Marcus.
Oh, they canceled our tee time? - Did I hear "Tea time"? - No.
Yeah, I'll have a little chamomile with a little honey to calm my nerves.
I'd like a little Hang on.
Hey, Gwen, Charlotte.
Hi, Mr.
Hobbs.
Janie's all ready to go.
Oh, David, are you sure you don't want to come sell cookies? I could really use your help.
I can sort of control Charlotte, But Janie eats through our profits like a small Beaver.
Out in front of it, David.
Nothing says "Good dad" like a grown man in a little girl's uniform selling cookies.
I look good in a uniform.
Yeah, this is kind of fun.
I'm glad I came here today.
Well, I do love your enthusiasm.
You're like a breath of blue air.
I'm an actor.
When I get into a role, I get into a role.
So if I'm a blue bonnet, I'm blue bonnet all the way.
Yeah, yeah.
I can see that.
Oh, hey, can I give you my mail? Save me a trip to the post office? You done? Probably not, Papa smurf.
All right, you're done.
Okay.
All right, out of 20.
Just wondering.
Does that guy taking photos bother you? It seems like such an invasion of privacy.
Ah, just part of the game.
All right, here you go.
There's your Your mint chocolate, right, okay? Attaboy, come on.
Give me a hug, yeah.
What was that again? Hey, he's very funny.
All right, give me a high five.
There you go.
Take a free box.
Here you go.
You enjoy.
You have a nice afternoon.
Okay.
Daddy, a Bee! - What? What? - Oh! - Get it! Get it! - Allergic! I'm allergic! Okay, all right! David Hobbs.
Or, as we now call him, America's angriest dad ever, is at it again.
What's worse than taking a little girl's box of cookies? Beating her with it.
Shame on you! That's a double Mitch-slap.
Truth stings, doesn't it, daddy? David, we've been waiting for a half an hour.
Why don't we just go someplace else? No, absolutely not.
Look, Mario just doesn't know that we're here.
Yeah, you're probably right.
- Daddy? - Mm? Your hair looks good in that picture.
That's not dad.
It's John Stamos.
Stamos! Uh, right this way, Mr.
Hobbs.
Hey, uh, Mario, where's Where's my picture? And what happened to my table? Oh, uh, um This This is your table.
I-I just moved it, from over there to over here.
More privacy for you.
It's closer to the kitchen.
The food, it comes out hotter.
UhOh.
- No.
- Ugh.
- Don't say it.
Don't tell me my special's off the menu.
- Oh, yeah.
It looks like they scratched it off with a key or a knife.
Oh, this can't be happening.
Dad, don't worry.
I'm sure everything is fine.
Siri, who is America's number one TV dad? For ten years, David Hobbs has held that distinction.
However, due to recent events Please turn that off.
Dad, don't get so angry.
I am not angry.
The nearest anger management center is .
5 miles.
And what did I tell you about using that during family time? I can make you an appointment.
You know what? That's it.
I'm taking it away from you for a week.
- Mom! - Don't "mom.
" Dialing now.
- Anger management center.
- Make it stop, honey.
He'll call you back.
Okay, Bye.
Restore David's rightful place as America's number one dad, take one.
- No! Get - Give me that! - Oh! - Stop it! Drop that purse, coward! Damn it! Oh! Oh.
I'll save that baby! Get back here, you! - Oh! - Thief! And cut! Did I look heroic? That was great.
Great rehearsal.
Great rehearsal.
Good job.
- Whoo-Whoo.
- All right.
Man, when we film this on location and leak it to the press, your image is gonna be back on track.
Excellent.
Hey, listen, I-I ad-libbed "Coward," but I think "Dirtbag" might be stronger.
What do you think? A great idea, David.
It I must have read your mind, because I-I wrote "Dirtbag" in the script.
- Okay.
- What That was very heroic, David, until you knocked the baby out the door.
But, no, still very heroic, 'cause it's not a real baby, so Listen, people, this has got to work, because I'm I'm starting to lose the perks of being me.
And without my perks I'm, you know, just like everybody else.
I-I can't live like that.
All right, okay people, let's rehearse it one more time, please.
Back to one.
Let's do this.
Oh, hang on, hang on.
Yeah, hang on.
Phone.
Hello? Emily, it's for you! Again! Pick it up.
I'm doing homework, dad.
Could you take a message? This has been going on all day.
Just tell her Lisa called.
What are you doing? I'm using Mary's phone to get my phone back.
I am this close to driving dad to the edge.
Take note.
You'll be doing it someday.
Can I try? Hi, daddy.
This isn't Janie.
Wrong, and way too creepy.
This is Brenda for Emily.
And that's not creepy? - Emily! - Still doing homework.
- All right, you ready, David? - Oh, yes.
- Yes, let's go.
- All right, let's do this.
And, action! - Cut! - Hang on.
That was good.
Good till the end, good till there.
Hang on a second.
Yeah, look, talk to her at school, ple Oh, hi, Mrs.
Brooks.
Mis No, Mrs.
Brooks.
You You can't believe everything you read in the tabloids.
Okay, fine.
If that's the way you feel, I understand.
All right, good-Bye.
Janie's playdate just canceled.
That's why we're getting out in front of this, man.
Run, Joe, run! And pick on someone your own size, you bunch of bullies! What happened? Joe was getting ambushed on the front lawn, and I had to jump in and save him.
The older kids picking on you, Joe? No.
It was the blue bonnets.
They're tough, David.
I had four of them just clawing on to me like a bunch of angry koala bears, just Yeah.
They yelled, "revenge!" and then they started stuffing cookies down my pants.
Is-is this about the Bee thing? Yeah.
But the joke's on them.
I love warm cookies.
Daddy, when's my friend Molly coming over? Oh, um, Molly's mom just canceled the playdate.
Why, did I do something wrong? No.
No, you didn't do anything, honey.
Marcus, this production is over.
Look, my kids are starting to get hurt now, okay? No more games.
I gotta put a stop to this.
And, Joe, a quick life lesson.
Don't eat cookies out of your underwear.
Got it.
Starting now.
- Dad.
- Thank you.
Yes? The photographer guy's here again.
I know that, Joe.
That's why we're here.
As soon as mom shows up, I'm gonna take care of him.
Why do you need mommy? Well, because mommy is level-Headed, and she won't let things get out of control.
How dare you! You paparazzi bottom-Feeders! Do you vultures have any idea of the heartache you cause with your lies? My husband? He's a good, good man, okay? And you should be ashamed! Please don't hurt me.
I was just taking a picture of my parents.
We're visiting from Minnesota.
They've got a Stamos special.
Veal, Lemon, Capers.
That's piccata.
What's so special about that? Mm, Stamos.
Hello? Hello, Mary.
She wants to know what you're wearing to school tomorrow.
Tell her my yellow blouse with the fringe.
N-No, tell her the baby blue long sleeve with the sparkly Mary? Mary? She will call you back.
Good-Bye.
Emily, I'm giving this back to you.
Only because I think that you've learned your lesson, okay? - Absolutely.
Lesson learned.
- All right.
Honey? I'm thinking we should take the food to go.
- What? - Out the back.
Good idea.
Yeah, they don't even bring US bread anymore.
- They treat us like poo.
- Wait, wait a minute.
Wait.
What are you guys doing? Look, if I can teach you anything, it's to stand up for yourself, okay? Now, sit down.
'Cause it's time to stand up.
No, really, just sit down.
I'm gonna stand up for you guys.
I'll be right back.
It's America's angriest dad! Don't hurt me.
Don't hurt me.
Oh, wait, I forgot.
I'm not a child, so I must be safe.
That's very funny.
Listen, I-I understand that you want to take shots at me.
That's fine.
That's part of our game, and I can take it.
But when it starts affecting my kids we got a problem.
Look, we both know how this works.
If I wanted to take wholesome and sweet pictures of you and your family, I'd work at the mall.
And I'd be poor.
But manipulating shots to make you look like the worst parent ever allows me to drive a Maserati and date a model slash-actress.
Not bad for a guy from Jersey, right? You gotta give the people what they want.
All you gotta do is smile and say "Cheese," my friend.
Mm-Hmm-Hmm.
- Oh! - Hang on, one more hit.
Oh! You okay? All right, just have a seat.
Catch your breath, there you go.
- He's okay, everybody.
- Whoo! - Right, right, Mitch? - All right, yes! Yay! All right, yes! - Thank you.
- Mario! You might want to put my husband's head shot back up on that wall.
I don't see Stamos here saving lives.
I was just enjoying my dinner when out of nowhere Mr.
Hobbs attacked me.
It was bloody dreadful.
This is amazing.
I-I can't win with this guy.
All right, he's trying to make me look bad for saving his life.
Dad, don't worry.
Karma's a Mitch.
Look, we both know how this works.
If I wanted to take sweet and wholesome pictures of you and your family, I'd work at the mall.
And I'd be poor.
But manipulating shots to make you look like the worst parent ever allows me to drive a Maserati - and date a model.
- You recorded that? Yeah.
And, thanks to my phone, it's already uploaded and trending.
Oh! Yes! I don't know what that means, but thank you so much.
See, I knew I did the right thing buying you that phone, honey.
Amy Hobbs seems to be angry all the days.
That's right, Ms.
Hobbs.
You've been Mitch-slapped.
- I'm sorry.
- For what? Do you know what this means? Oh, I matter! - I'll be right back.
- What? Where are you going? I'm gonna strike while the iron's hot, baby.
I'm gonna go kick a puppy at the mall.
Sit down, honey.
Come on.
They're gonna talk about me in a minute.