Sit Down Shut Up (2009) s01e13 Episode Script
High School Musical Musical
[marching band plays.]
today I'll let you kick the ball if you don't, you'll regret it Isn't it odd how, every opening night, The 2 student leads get sick And Andrew and Helen have to fill in for them? What I find odd is that every opening night, The supply closet is chained shut with 6 extra padlocks.
[whimpering.]
Ahh! I told you you'd regret it, bitch.
[all gasp.]
[guns clacking.]
Linus to the left of me schroeder to the right here I am, stuck in a standoff with you Chorus: stuck in a standoff with us Leave it to a dog to bring a bone to a gunfight.
Ugh! Yaah! [audience screams.]
Here's to u-- I'm gonna stop you right there.
Your latest production was a disaster.
Nobody liked reservoir snoopy dogs, Not even with its alternative title, Jackie Charlie brown.
Well, I thought our production was top-notch.
It's like a freakish combination of 2 things That shouldn't go well together, but do.
Kind of like us.
Your plays are just freakish combinations Of 2 things that shouldn't go well together and don't, Like you two.
Let's review your crummy track record.
Night of the living Oklahoma! [zombies growl.]
Oklahoma Or one of your more recent catastrophes Well, I've always relied on the kindness of strangers To kill each other in my basement.
A streetcar named saw III.
This is one way to get ahead in show business.
Well, that Willard disembowelment was all Helen's idea.
As are all our great finales.
Well, here's a finale for you.
I'm tired of you two using the drama department To act out your rude, infantile fantasies.
Either come up with a musical Like urinetown, or that's it! In 3 weeks, I'm shuttin' down the department! [gasps.]
[gasps.]
I can't have my teachers runnin' around, Actin' like grown-up teenagers! [together.]
chug! Chug! Chug! [clears throat.]
It's time you act like adults.
What? It's cognac? I've had enough public embarrassments-- Lousy plays, thanks to Andrew and Helen, A losing school academic team, thanks to Stuart, That animated show based on our exploits--willard.
Hey, I needed a quick $300.
She's yelling at everyone And telling them to stop acting like children.
Not enough of a story yet? All right.
I'll call you when something funny happens.
Probably about 20 minutes or so.
It's time all of you start acting your age.
Sue's right.
We're teachers.
We need to set a grown-up example.
We can't spend our lives in arrested development.
Well, not more than 3 years, anyway, I, for one, am ready to act like a mature role model, Like Marcus welby, 1969 to 1976 on abc, Or Perry Mason, 1957 to 1966, cbs.
Or Mr.
President, fox, 2 weeks, 1987.
You're watching sit down, shut up on fox.
Whoa.
How'd you get so good at trivia? It only happens when I'm drunk.
I get drunk, I know trivia.
You know, sort of like that 1972 Disney film, The computer who wore tennis shoes.
[xylophone plays.]
that film won [clicks, whirs.]
no awards.
[xylophone plays.]
Let me get this straight.
When you're sober, you're just dumb old Ennis, But when you're drunk, you have total recall? Yes.
I remember every bit of trivia and some hip-hop lyrics, But absolutely nothing that happens to me.
And if we could somehow use these powers, It could be our key to winning the academic decathlon.
Gee, I don't know if this is such a good idea.
Isn't it dangerous to exploit Ennis's drinking problem Just to bring some glory and money to the school? Well said.
Let's do it! Ennis, have you ever thought about being on an academic decathlon team? Have you ever thought about I like big butts, and I cannot lie? [blows bubbles.]
Oh, brother.
In 3 weeks, it's over for me.
Back to working cheap old double entendres, The bisexual bar where I specialize In sex on the beach and Harvey Wallbangers.
Also, I was a bartender.
Don't give up yet.
3 weeks is more than enough time To mount a big-ass production.
I won't even entendre that.
I'm gonna holster that entendre, And I won't even entendre the holster.
Oh, now I'm thinking about hole-sters, the gay bar in the lubricant district.
But there's not a play out there good enough to save the department.
Because you haven't written it yet.
You know what will make this one different? For the first time, drew, you'll write about how you really feel.
It'll come straight from the heart.
Balls-eye.
That's it.
I've been wasting all this time Trying to put on big, glitzy productions, When all along, it should have been coming from inside me.
Make note-- double-entendre that.
Yeah! Something deep.
Something personal.
Like Disney's high school musical.
But I'm gonna make my next production About a high school drama teacher Trying to stage a production of high school musical.
Helen, you're my muse.
If you were a woman or even a man, I'd totally kiss you.
And if you were a robot or a chair, I'd consider it.
Ooh, brother.
Setting a musical in a high school is too hard.
All my characters are so hack-- The humorless bureaucratic principal, The flaming drama teacher Who spews nothing but double-entendres out of his blowhole.
Oh, blowhole.
That's a good one.
Maybe this will help.
[bellowing.]
What are you doing? You said I was your moose.
Oh.
Sweets, I said, "muse," not, "moose.
" Where did you get those antlers, anyway? Well, I'm certainly not dating a moose head I met at a hunting lodge.
[nervous chuckle.]
Hey, don't worry about figuring out what you're gonna write about.
You'll figure it out, and then you'll write about it.
Just go back to the mating calls.
As you wish.
[bellowing.]
[gasps.]
[moose bellows.]
[panting.]
Anybody seen lunch headed this way? [panting.]
[marching band plays.]
Ok, Gabriella, Troy, we're gonna stop you right there.
Troy, you're a basketball jock.
Watching you sing was embarrassing.
Gabriella, you're a beautiful science nerd.
Nonexistent! Now, I'm gonna give you both advice.
Stick to what you know, the status quo.
And next! Ucch.
I'm having a problem with these students.
I just don't think they have the experience to play students.
So who can we get? Ucch.
There's only one group of people Around here with the vacant gaze, The lack of life experience, And the sheer hopelessness to play students-- The teachers.
Attention, everyone.
I'd like you to meet your new teammate.
His name is Johnny, he's 15 years old, And he likes Taylor swift And having a good time with his buddies.
Negative.
That's Mr.
Hofftard.
He terrorized us in our trailer.
Hey, that's right.
Your name is Sebastian, you like to play boggle, And you masturbate to that poster of the planets.
Just keep him supplied with this brain juice.
As long as he's on it, you might have a chance At beating our archrivals from Nerdston prep tomorrow night.
Guys, I think that Ennis here Can be a big help to our team, And I'm not just saying that Because I'm drinking my confidence juice.
Ahh.
So you're gonna bring us all together And show us how to win as a team? Nah.
I'm just gonna get hammered and answer all the questions, Maybe hit on a few of your moms if they're doable.
Oh, Sebastian, how's mama? Rate her on a scale of one to damn.
Come on.
You came out of there.
What's it like? [groans.]
Wait'll he wakes up And finds out you've got 2 mothers.
My lollipop.
I love my lollipop.
This makes it so much easier.
We don't even have to go through the pretense.
I'll play the lead, and you, my muse, Can play my male or female love interest.
I haven't decided yet.
Yeah.
We'll be the leads, And we'll get the other schmoes to yutz it up.
Ha! Look at me.
I sound like a big Hollywood accountant.
Hi.
Uh, yutzing schmo here.
Heh heh.
I'm here to read the role of "the well meaning basketball coach Whose thoughtful plans never quite work out as intended.
" Hmm.
I sort of pictured a black guy.
Ah, come on.
Be reasonable.
I am this part.
Look.
He's gonna cry.
I'm not gonna cry.
[sniffles.]
There he goes.
[breaking up.]
all right, you two Obviously get off on hating people.
This is a stupid musical And obviously just your chance To make a bunch of in-jokes and lame parodies.
I don't want any part of it! Wait.
Come back.
Do that again.
What? This? This is a stupid musical, And I don't want any part of it! Kid, you just got the part Of "the mean school principal who tries to shut down production.
" Oh, really? Oh ho ho ho! It's-- Oh, it's been such a long road for me.
Thank you.
Sue tell me to come down And check out crap that's on stage, But I no see actual feces.
Hmm.
You sang the national anthem so well A couple episodes ago.
Care to audition? I sorry.
I no read well.
But here go.
[piano plays.]
I am the very model of a modern high school janitor familiar with each piece of gum on every high school bannister I know the different cleansers and the solvents in each canister from rows of rakes to urinal cakes that look just like Burt Lancaster I'm very well acquainted [flushes.]
too, with every single unflushed poo and stalls that do come vandalized with scribblings that would scandalize it's really quite too much to bear from "Ennis sucks" to "sue was here" I am the very model of a modern high school janitor [piano ends.]
Uh Did you understand a word of that? Sorry.
I was thinking about myself.
Next.
Ok.
Oh, there is feces.
Good evening.
I'm Roger Thessorus, And welcome to braingasm, The nonsexual academic quiz show.
Now, I must ask contestants Not to buzz in until I've completed the questi-- [buzzer.]
Yes, Ennis? You buzzed? Totally wasted.
Thanks for asking.
Our first category is word origins.
The romans coined the word "salary" based on this valuable-- [buzzer.]
salt.
Yes.
20 points knob haven.
I must remind you to hold your buzz.
And I must remind you that's what happens when bodies start slappin'.
Our next category-- famous waterways.
[buzzer.]
Erie canal, c&o, Panama canal, st.
Lawrence seaway.
That is 80 points, knob haven, But, please, if I could just do my job.
You wouldn't be stuck hosting High school quiz shows.
Am I right? Hey, way to win one for the school.
Yeah.
With my new production And you leading the team to victory last night, The school can finally be proud again.
I did something last night? You know, I hate to say this, But I'm actually proud to be a part of something.
I was so inspired that I was up all night Writing a whole new number for me to sing.
Check it out.
we get to make our own musical it's just gonna be me and you-sical it's gonna be real unus-ical and by that, I mean unusual, not unusable You like it? Uh Yeah.
hush, little baby, don't you fret mama's gonna take you to a vet he'll give you a nice flea dip then insert a microchip with his big and beefy hands he'll express your anal glands go to sleep don't be afraid when you awake you'll be neutered or spayed O.
M.
G.
Miracle.
I never knew you could sing like that.
It's like you could be the lead in wicked.
Wicked? What's that? It's a musical based on Wizard of Oz.
Wizard of Oz? What's that? It's a movie based on a book.
[gasps.]
what's that? It's a thing people read That's printed on pape-- listen.
Just come by the [bleep.]
auditorium.
Auditorium? Oh, I know that place.
Oh, it's where all those really bad musicals are.
[chatter.]
Helen: Out of my way.
Comin' through.
"female lead Miracle Grohe"? "Helen Klench Boy #2"? Hohh.
Andrew, you cast Miracle As "director's witty, wonderful friend"? How could you? You promised that role to me.
Sorry.
I had to do what was best for the show, And Miracle has the best voice I've ever heard.
She's like Julie Andrews to the power of Enya, Subdivided by the McGarrigle sisters.
Well, good luck finishing your stinking musical, 'cause I quit! Find yourself another moose.
I already did.
Theodore, how could you?! I thought we had an understanding.
[sobbing.]
Huhh! [Theodore bellows.]
[hoofbeats.]
yes! I'm one heartbeat away from boy #1.
[tuba blows.]
Ok, people.
Rehearsal time.
Now let's block this scene.
Basketball coach stands here.
Boy #2 over here.
And the meany school principal, Larry, you-- Oh, whoa.
I think you overdid your costume a bit, no? Do you really need 2 fat suits? I'm Sue, the real Sue, And I'm just here to remind you that this travesty better be spectacular, Or I'm shutting down your department and tearing down the theater.
Next time, warn me when you're not Sue, ok? And, Miracle, my darling, You sit here center stage with me.
This is the big scene where the director talks to his b.
F.
F.
Best friend, huh? We used to have something special.
Oh.
Hi, happy.
So, happy, we're both rejects now, huh? Say, you're from a place where people do violent things At the drop of a hat.
Tampa? How'd you like to make this musical real interesting? [evil laugh.]
Welcome back to braingasm semi-finals.
Knob haven is ahead [belches.]
320 points to 40 points For st.
Mary's school for nerdy girls.
Let's take this moment to meet the teams.
My name is Aisha Aboud, Captain of the st.
Mary's calculadies.
Awoo! I'll give you 60 points to subtract your shirt.
Hey, Rodney, why don't you slide those points over? Wait a minute.
Slide 'em back.
Aisha, button your shirt.
Let's get back to the match.
The category is prehistoric man.
Who was the first hominid to walk erect? Me, but you don't want to see me Walking around right now.
Ha ha ha ha ha! Whht.
Rodney, sound-effect me.
[boing.]
Oh, that'd be australopithecus afarensis.
20 points knob haven.
Next category-- technological boners.
I-I'm gonna skip that one And go right ahead to calling the game Before we have any more spontaneous outbursts.
Chinese pant drill.
Help a brother out, Rodney.
[siren sounding.]
[imitating siren.]
Knob haven wins.
You're going to the championship.
You did it! We did it! Yay! I'm so glad I took my columbian jumping powder! Hooray! Does this dress make me look fat? Yes.
It's perfect.
But my breasts look like 2 tube socks full of nickels.
I made them myself.
Heh heh.
Andrew, I was thinking I could wear these glasses.
That way, I can really appear to be Your wonderful, witty friend.
The sum foots of any 2 sides of a pekingese beagle Is equal to the bare foot of his remaining side.
That's great.
Yeah.
I finally watched the Wizard of Oz, Though I stopped watching When I realized it was in black and white.
Oh, here.
Listen to my big line.
Hey, b.
F.
F.
Ready to humidify people with our raper's wit? That's "humiliate people with our rapier wit.
" Mmm, why is it "rapier"? Wouldn't it be better if it was less rapey? Ucch.
I'll just change the lines.
And you know what? Ditch the glasses.
They only emphasize the irony of me casting you.
2 minutes to curtain! Oh, my God.
This show is gonna bomb.
It's gonna be a big stinking pile of crap.
[happy laughs.]
This big, stinking pile of crap Will make great bomb.
For show.
[evil laugh.]
People, tonight is very important to all of us, But mostly me.
Now, I haven't written the finale yet.
The finale's 30 minutes from now.
What are you waiting for? Inspiration? Well, how 'bout this? The finale's 30 minutes from now.
Look, I know I can get this done If at least one of you believes in me.
I believe near you.
Just wanted to check that you folks Are ready for the big championship tonight.
Gonna have some stiff competition.
Your opponents are from mordecai wang high.
The half-jewish, half-asian school? I heard that their S.
A.
T.
scores are through the roof And that they negotiated a good deal to repair the roof.
Yep.
So you guys better be on your toes.
Who is that? What the hell is this place? [gasps.]
he's sober! He didn't have his brain juice! That means his brain is bone-dry.
Relax, Sue.
I made an executive decision When I was scooping him up from the gutter this morning.
Our boy doesn't need brain juice.
He's smart on his own.
2 minutes to curtain.
Don't you see? Booze was just a crutch for Ennis.
He never really needed it.
I'll prove it to you.
Who invented the telephone? I vaguely remember someone named Thomas Jeffer.
.
Izon.
dummy, dummy, dummy this school's full of dummies and I feel like No, that's not it.
Maybe--no.
Ucch.
I'm not even gonna bother reading this one.
Why can't I write this finale? Maybe if I just close my eyes And click my balls together.
[clacking.]
Maybe you can't write it because you're missing something, jackapple.
[echoing.]
jackapple.
Jackapple.
Jackapple.
Weird! Ok, that did not go well.
One of my boobs broke onstage, And there's nickels everywhere.
Willard put gum on the bottom of his shoes, And he's tap-dancing to pick up the coins.
So, no pressure, but the finale? I found some cologne in the host's dressing room.
I'm gonna make Ennis drink it.
No.
Like Ireland, he needs to learn He can be smart without alcohol.
Just watch my boy go.
Circumference.
[buzzer.]
James k.
Polk.
Cicero.
Neap tide.
[buzzer.]
Jan and Dean.
The 2-finger skidooch.
And 6.
Yes! I haven't asked a question yet, And we're not in a montage.
Mordecai wang won the coin toss.
They'll select the first category.
We'll select famous chinese rabbis.
Aw, [bleep.]
.
Correct.
20 points knob haven.
I can do this.
I don't need alcohol.
I just have to get my head in the game.
get my, get my head in the game What the [bleep.]
are you talking about, man? get your head in the [bleep.]
game now that you say it, it sounds pretty lame damn straight, it's lame you don't belong here why must you appear and confirm every fear? 'cause I'm a [bleep.]
magical cat now lick your rear Ok, we're going to ignore that And go right to our next category, Famous chinese accountants.
Ennis: Meow! [ding.]
[coughing.]
Hi, b.
F.
F.
I can't believe it's the end Of senior year for our 12th graders.
Yeah.
It's the perfect time For us to rape people with our rapper's wit.
[audience groans.]
No, it's the perfect time to rip on people with our rapier wit.
Rapier.
Right.
Oh, let me try it again.
Heh.
We're in the middle of the play.
You can't do it again.
Just get out of here! I'll do it myself.
[sobbing.]
rappier, rapier.
I don't know.
Oh, who am I kidding? I can't do this myself.
You might as well all leave, too.
What are you waiting for? This is the end.
I messed up.
I screwed my muse, And now I'm paying the price.
You screwed a moose? Let me guess.
You mounted it against a wall.
[laughter.]
[sobbing.]
My muse! [sobs.]
What are you doing? If you're here to sabotage my show, You are too late.
I'm here to save it.
One freakish thing alone doesn't work, But 2 freakish things together--ho ho! That's theater gold, my friend.
Follow my lead.
Welcome to apocalypse now that's what I call a high school musical.
[piano playing.]
here we are at the end but not for me and my friend if you ask, "will we last?" we would say it depends 'cause we depend on each other [cheering.]
here and now, it's time for some destruction bring it all to the ground yeah, yeah tearin' things down is fun when you have someone to laugh at those you put down oh, yeah, yeah the horror the horror the horror everyone I said, the horror the horror come on, let's have some fun well, yeah, yeah, yeah [cheering.]
This is the best musical I've ever seen.
Course, I never been out of central Florida before.
I gotta hand it to you.
You finally put on a show Where the audience didn't walk out, Though some are being led out in stretchers.
I'm not going to destroy the theater after all.
Hooray! [cheering.]
Because you already demolished it.
So, why, Helen? After the way I treated you, why would you save my show? Because even after all that abuse, You're still my b.
F.
F.
It's the kind of paradoxical motivation That's possible because I have incredibly low self-esteem.
Me, too.
Ennis: We won the tournam-- Hey.
This fire's new.
today I'll let you kick the ball if you don't, you'll regret it Isn't it odd how, every opening night, The 2 student leads get sick And Andrew and Helen have to fill in for them? What I find odd is that every opening night, The supply closet is chained shut with 6 extra padlocks.
[whimpering.]
Ahh! I told you you'd regret it, bitch.
[all gasp.]
[guns clacking.]
Linus to the left of me schroeder to the right here I am, stuck in a standoff with you Chorus: stuck in a standoff with us Leave it to a dog to bring a bone to a gunfight.
Ugh! Yaah! [audience screams.]
Here's to u-- I'm gonna stop you right there.
Your latest production was a disaster.
Nobody liked reservoir snoopy dogs, Not even with its alternative title, Jackie Charlie brown.
Well, I thought our production was top-notch.
It's like a freakish combination of 2 things That shouldn't go well together, but do.
Kind of like us.
Your plays are just freakish combinations Of 2 things that shouldn't go well together and don't, Like you two.
Let's review your crummy track record.
Night of the living Oklahoma! [zombies growl.]
Oklahoma Or one of your more recent catastrophes Well, I've always relied on the kindness of strangers To kill each other in my basement.
A streetcar named saw III.
This is one way to get ahead in show business.
Well, that Willard disembowelment was all Helen's idea.
As are all our great finales.
Well, here's a finale for you.
I'm tired of you two using the drama department To act out your rude, infantile fantasies.
Either come up with a musical Like urinetown, or that's it! In 3 weeks, I'm shuttin' down the department! [gasps.]
[gasps.]
I can't have my teachers runnin' around, Actin' like grown-up teenagers! [together.]
chug! Chug! Chug! [clears throat.]
It's time you act like adults.
What? It's cognac? I've had enough public embarrassments-- Lousy plays, thanks to Andrew and Helen, A losing school academic team, thanks to Stuart, That animated show based on our exploits--willard.
Hey, I needed a quick $300.
She's yelling at everyone And telling them to stop acting like children.
Not enough of a story yet? All right.
I'll call you when something funny happens.
Probably about 20 minutes or so.
It's time all of you start acting your age.
Sue's right.
We're teachers.
We need to set a grown-up example.
We can't spend our lives in arrested development.
Well, not more than 3 years, anyway, I, for one, am ready to act like a mature role model, Like Marcus welby, 1969 to 1976 on abc, Or Perry Mason, 1957 to 1966, cbs.
Or Mr.
President, fox, 2 weeks, 1987.
You're watching sit down, shut up on fox.
Whoa.
How'd you get so good at trivia? It only happens when I'm drunk.
I get drunk, I know trivia.
You know, sort of like that 1972 Disney film, The computer who wore tennis shoes.
[xylophone plays.]
that film won [clicks, whirs.]
no awards.
[xylophone plays.]
Let me get this straight.
When you're sober, you're just dumb old Ennis, But when you're drunk, you have total recall? Yes.
I remember every bit of trivia and some hip-hop lyrics, But absolutely nothing that happens to me.
And if we could somehow use these powers, It could be our key to winning the academic decathlon.
Gee, I don't know if this is such a good idea.
Isn't it dangerous to exploit Ennis's drinking problem Just to bring some glory and money to the school? Well said.
Let's do it! Ennis, have you ever thought about being on an academic decathlon team? Have you ever thought about I like big butts, and I cannot lie? [blows bubbles.]
Oh, brother.
In 3 weeks, it's over for me.
Back to working cheap old double entendres, The bisexual bar where I specialize In sex on the beach and Harvey Wallbangers.
Also, I was a bartender.
Don't give up yet.
3 weeks is more than enough time To mount a big-ass production.
I won't even entendre that.
I'm gonna holster that entendre, And I won't even entendre the holster.
Oh, now I'm thinking about hole-sters, the gay bar in the lubricant district.
But there's not a play out there good enough to save the department.
Because you haven't written it yet.
You know what will make this one different? For the first time, drew, you'll write about how you really feel.
It'll come straight from the heart.
Balls-eye.
That's it.
I've been wasting all this time Trying to put on big, glitzy productions, When all along, it should have been coming from inside me.
Make note-- double-entendre that.
Yeah! Something deep.
Something personal.
Like Disney's high school musical.
But I'm gonna make my next production About a high school drama teacher Trying to stage a production of high school musical.
Helen, you're my muse.
If you were a woman or even a man, I'd totally kiss you.
And if you were a robot or a chair, I'd consider it.
Ooh, brother.
Setting a musical in a high school is too hard.
All my characters are so hack-- The humorless bureaucratic principal, The flaming drama teacher Who spews nothing but double-entendres out of his blowhole.
Oh, blowhole.
That's a good one.
Maybe this will help.
[bellowing.]
What are you doing? You said I was your moose.
Oh.
Sweets, I said, "muse," not, "moose.
" Where did you get those antlers, anyway? Well, I'm certainly not dating a moose head I met at a hunting lodge.
[nervous chuckle.]
Hey, don't worry about figuring out what you're gonna write about.
You'll figure it out, and then you'll write about it.
Just go back to the mating calls.
As you wish.
[bellowing.]
[gasps.]
[moose bellows.]
[panting.]
Anybody seen lunch headed this way? [panting.]
[marching band plays.]
Ok, Gabriella, Troy, we're gonna stop you right there.
Troy, you're a basketball jock.
Watching you sing was embarrassing.
Gabriella, you're a beautiful science nerd.
Nonexistent! Now, I'm gonna give you both advice.
Stick to what you know, the status quo.
And next! Ucch.
I'm having a problem with these students.
I just don't think they have the experience to play students.
So who can we get? Ucch.
There's only one group of people Around here with the vacant gaze, The lack of life experience, And the sheer hopelessness to play students-- The teachers.
Attention, everyone.
I'd like you to meet your new teammate.
His name is Johnny, he's 15 years old, And he likes Taylor swift And having a good time with his buddies.
Negative.
That's Mr.
Hofftard.
He terrorized us in our trailer.
Hey, that's right.
Your name is Sebastian, you like to play boggle, And you masturbate to that poster of the planets.
Just keep him supplied with this brain juice.
As long as he's on it, you might have a chance At beating our archrivals from Nerdston prep tomorrow night.
Guys, I think that Ennis here Can be a big help to our team, And I'm not just saying that Because I'm drinking my confidence juice.
Ahh.
So you're gonna bring us all together And show us how to win as a team? Nah.
I'm just gonna get hammered and answer all the questions, Maybe hit on a few of your moms if they're doable.
Oh, Sebastian, how's mama? Rate her on a scale of one to damn.
Come on.
You came out of there.
What's it like? [groans.]
Wait'll he wakes up And finds out you've got 2 mothers.
My lollipop.
I love my lollipop.
This makes it so much easier.
We don't even have to go through the pretense.
I'll play the lead, and you, my muse, Can play my male or female love interest.
I haven't decided yet.
Yeah.
We'll be the leads, And we'll get the other schmoes to yutz it up.
Ha! Look at me.
I sound like a big Hollywood accountant.
Hi.
Uh, yutzing schmo here.
Heh heh.
I'm here to read the role of "the well meaning basketball coach Whose thoughtful plans never quite work out as intended.
" Hmm.
I sort of pictured a black guy.
Ah, come on.
Be reasonable.
I am this part.
Look.
He's gonna cry.
I'm not gonna cry.
[sniffles.]
There he goes.
[breaking up.]
all right, you two Obviously get off on hating people.
This is a stupid musical And obviously just your chance To make a bunch of in-jokes and lame parodies.
I don't want any part of it! Wait.
Come back.
Do that again.
What? This? This is a stupid musical, And I don't want any part of it! Kid, you just got the part Of "the mean school principal who tries to shut down production.
" Oh, really? Oh ho ho ho! It's-- Oh, it's been such a long road for me.
Thank you.
Sue tell me to come down And check out crap that's on stage, But I no see actual feces.
Hmm.
You sang the national anthem so well A couple episodes ago.
Care to audition? I sorry.
I no read well.
But here go.
[piano plays.]
I am the very model of a modern high school janitor familiar with each piece of gum on every high school bannister I know the different cleansers and the solvents in each canister from rows of rakes to urinal cakes that look just like Burt Lancaster I'm very well acquainted [flushes.]
too, with every single unflushed poo and stalls that do come vandalized with scribblings that would scandalize it's really quite too much to bear from "Ennis sucks" to "sue was here" I am the very model of a modern high school janitor [piano ends.]
Uh Did you understand a word of that? Sorry.
I was thinking about myself.
Next.
Ok.
Oh, there is feces.
Good evening.
I'm Roger Thessorus, And welcome to braingasm, The nonsexual academic quiz show.
Now, I must ask contestants Not to buzz in until I've completed the questi-- [buzzer.]
Yes, Ennis? You buzzed? Totally wasted.
Thanks for asking.
Our first category is word origins.
The romans coined the word "salary" based on this valuable-- [buzzer.]
salt.
Yes.
20 points knob haven.
I must remind you to hold your buzz.
And I must remind you that's what happens when bodies start slappin'.
Our next category-- famous waterways.
[buzzer.]
Erie canal, c&o, Panama canal, st.
Lawrence seaway.
That is 80 points, knob haven, But, please, if I could just do my job.
You wouldn't be stuck hosting High school quiz shows.
Am I right? Hey, way to win one for the school.
Yeah.
With my new production And you leading the team to victory last night, The school can finally be proud again.
I did something last night? You know, I hate to say this, But I'm actually proud to be a part of something.
I was so inspired that I was up all night Writing a whole new number for me to sing.
Check it out.
we get to make our own musical it's just gonna be me and you-sical it's gonna be real unus-ical and by that, I mean unusual, not unusable You like it? Uh Yeah.
hush, little baby, don't you fret mama's gonna take you to a vet he'll give you a nice flea dip then insert a microchip with his big and beefy hands he'll express your anal glands go to sleep don't be afraid when you awake you'll be neutered or spayed O.
M.
G.
Miracle.
I never knew you could sing like that.
It's like you could be the lead in wicked.
Wicked? What's that? It's a musical based on Wizard of Oz.
Wizard of Oz? What's that? It's a movie based on a book.
[gasps.]
what's that? It's a thing people read That's printed on pape-- listen.
Just come by the [bleep.]
auditorium.
Auditorium? Oh, I know that place.
Oh, it's where all those really bad musicals are.
[chatter.]
Helen: Out of my way.
Comin' through.
"female lead Miracle Grohe"? "Helen Klench Boy #2"? Hohh.
Andrew, you cast Miracle As "director's witty, wonderful friend"? How could you? You promised that role to me.
Sorry.
I had to do what was best for the show, And Miracle has the best voice I've ever heard.
She's like Julie Andrews to the power of Enya, Subdivided by the McGarrigle sisters.
Well, good luck finishing your stinking musical, 'cause I quit! Find yourself another moose.
I already did.
Theodore, how could you?! I thought we had an understanding.
[sobbing.]
Huhh! [Theodore bellows.]
[hoofbeats.]
yes! I'm one heartbeat away from boy #1.
[tuba blows.]
Ok, people.
Rehearsal time.
Now let's block this scene.
Basketball coach stands here.
Boy #2 over here.
And the meany school principal, Larry, you-- Oh, whoa.
I think you overdid your costume a bit, no? Do you really need 2 fat suits? I'm Sue, the real Sue, And I'm just here to remind you that this travesty better be spectacular, Or I'm shutting down your department and tearing down the theater.
Next time, warn me when you're not Sue, ok? And, Miracle, my darling, You sit here center stage with me.
This is the big scene where the director talks to his b.
F.
F.
Best friend, huh? We used to have something special.
Oh.
Hi, happy.
So, happy, we're both rejects now, huh? Say, you're from a place where people do violent things At the drop of a hat.
Tampa? How'd you like to make this musical real interesting? [evil laugh.]
Welcome back to braingasm semi-finals.
Knob haven is ahead [belches.]
320 points to 40 points For st.
Mary's school for nerdy girls.
Let's take this moment to meet the teams.
My name is Aisha Aboud, Captain of the st.
Mary's calculadies.
Awoo! I'll give you 60 points to subtract your shirt.
Hey, Rodney, why don't you slide those points over? Wait a minute.
Slide 'em back.
Aisha, button your shirt.
Let's get back to the match.
The category is prehistoric man.
Who was the first hominid to walk erect? Me, but you don't want to see me Walking around right now.
Ha ha ha ha ha! Whht.
Rodney, sound-effect me.
[boing.]
Oh, that'd be australopithecus afarensis.
20 points knob haven.
Next category-- technological boners.
I-I'm gonna skip that one And go right ahead to calling the game Before we have any more spontaneous outbursts.
Chinese pant drill.
Help a brother out, Rodney.
[siren sounding.]
[imitating siren.]
Knob haven wins.
You're going to the championship.
You did it! We did it! Yay! I'm so glad I took my columbian jumping powder! Hooray! Does this dress make me look fat? Yes.
It's perfect.
But my breasts look like 2 tube socks full of nickels.
I made them myself.
Heh heh.
Andrew, I was thinking I could wear these glasses.
That way, I can really appear to be Your wonderful, witty friend.
The sum foots of any 2 sides of a pekingese beagle Is equal to the bare foot of his remaining side.
That's great.
Yeah.
I finally watched the Wizard of Oz, Though I stopped watching When I realized it was in black and white.
Oh, here.
Listen to my big line.
Hey, b.
F.
F.
Ready to humidify people with our raper's wit? That's "humiliate people with our rapier wit.
" Mmm, why is it "rapier"? Wouldn't it be better if it was less rapey? Ucch.
I'll just change the lines.
And you know what? Ditch the glasses.
They only emphasize the irony of me casting you.
2 minutes to curtain! Oh, my God.
This show is gonna bomb.
It's gonna be a big stinking pile of crap.
[happy laughs.]
This big, stinking pile of crap Will make great bomb.
For show.
[evil laugh.]
People, tonight is very important to all of us, But mostly me.
Now, I haven't written the finale yet.
The finale's 30 minutes from now.
What are you waiting for? Inspiration? Well, how 'bout this? The finale's 30 minutes from now.
Look, I know I can get this done If at least one of you believes in me.
I believe near you.
Just wanted to check that you folks Are ready for the big championship tonight.
Gonna have some stiff competition.
Your opponents are from mordecai wang high.
The half-jewish, half-asian school? I heard that their S.
A.
T.
scores are through the roof And that they negotiated a good deal to repair the roof.
Yep.
So you guys better be on your toes.
Who is that? What the hell is this place? [gasps.]
he's sober! He didn't have his brain juice! That means his brain is bone-dry.
Relax, Sue.
I made an executive decision When I was scooping him up from the gutter this morning.
Our boy doesn't need brain juice.
He's smart on his own.
2 minutes to curtain.
Don't you see? Booze was just a crutch for Ennis.
He never really needed it.
I'll prove it to you.
Who invented the telephone? I vaguely remember someone named Thomas Jeffer.
.
Izon.
dummy, dummy, dummy this school's full of dummies and I feel like No, that's not it.
Maybe--no.
Ucch.
I'm not even gonna bother reading this one.
Why can't I write this finale? Maybe if I just close my eyes And click my balls together.
[clacking.]
Maybe you can't write it because you're missing something, jackapple.
[echoing.]
jackapple.
Jackapple.
Jackapple.
Weird! Ok, that did not go well.
One of my boobs broke onstage, And there's nickels everywhere.
Willard put gum on the bottom of his shoes, And he's tap-dancing to pick up the coins.
So, no pressure, but the finale? I found some cologne in the host's dressing room.
I'm gonna make Ennis drink it.
No.
Like Ireland, he needs to learn He can be smart without alcohol.
Just watch my boy go.
Circumference.
[buzzer.]
James k.
Polk.
Cicero.
Neap tide.
[buzzer.]
Jan and Dean.
The 2-finger skidooch.
And 6.
Yes! I haven't asked a question yet, And we're not in a montage.
Mordecai wang won the coin toss.
They'll select the first category.
We'll select famous chinese rabbis.
Aw, [bleep.]
.
Correct.
20 points knob haven.
I can do this.
I don't need alcohol.
I just have to get my head in the game.
get my, get my head in the game What the [bleep.]
are you talking about, man? get your head in the [bleep.]
game now that you say it, it sounds pretty lame damn straight, it's lame you don't belong here why must you appear and confirm every fear? 'cause I'm a [bleep.]
magical cat now lick your rear Ok, we're going to ignore that And go right to our next category, Famous chinese accountants.
Ennis: Meow! [ding.]
[coughing.]
Hi, b.
F.
F.
I can't believe it's the end Of senior year for our 12th graders.
Yeah.
It's the perfect time For us to rape people with our rapper's wit.
[audience groans.]
No, it's the perfect time to rip on people with our rapier wit.
Rapier.
Right.
Oh, let me try it again.
Heh.
We're in the middle of the play.
You can't do it again.
Just get out of here! I'll do it myself.
[sobbing.]
rappier, rapier.
I don't know.
Oh, who am I kidding? I can't do this myself.
You might as well all leave, too.
What are you waiting for? This is the end.
I messed up.
I screwed my muse, And now I'm paying the price.
You screwed a moose? Let me guess.
You mounted it against a wall.
[laughter.]
[sobbing.]
My muse! [sobs.]
What are you doing? If you're here to sabotage my show, You are too late.
I'm here to save it.
One freakish thing alone doesn't work, But 2 freakish things together--ho ho! That's theater gold, my friend.
Follow my lead.
Welcome to apocalypse now that's what I call a high school musical.
[piano playing.]
here we are at the end but not for me and my friend if you ask, "will we last?" we would say it depends 'cause we depend on each other [cheering.]
here and now, it's time for some destruction bring it all to the ground yeah, yeah tearin' things down is fun when you have someone to laugh at those you put down oh, yeah, yeah the horror the horror the horror everyone I said, the horror the horror come on, let's have some fun well, yeah, yeah, yeah [cheering.]
This is the best musical I've ever seen.
Course, I never been out of central Florida before.
I gotta hand it to you.
You finally put on a show Where the audience didn't walk out, Though some are being led out in stretchers.
I'm not going to destroy the theater after all.
Hooray! [cheering.]
Because you already demolished it.
So, why, Helen? After the way I treated you, why would you save my show? Because even after all that abuse, You're still my b.
F.
F.
It's the kind of paradoxical motivation That's possible because I have incredibly low self-esteem.
Me, too.
Ennis: We won the tournam-- Hey.
This fire's new.