Sledge Hammer! s01e13 Episode Script

Trust me.
I know what I'm doing.
- Ooh! - Sorry.
Oh, man, am I tired! Stayed up all night, watching a comedy on the late movie.
- Yeah? What was it? - The Deer Hunter.
- Did you see it? - No.
I'll be right back.
I gotta get a cup of coffee.
Caffeine is very bad for you.
Doreau, men need coffee.
Give me one large coffee to go.
Sorry, we're all out of coffee.
What? You're kidding.
Yeah.
It's taking its toll on customers.
There's a report of gunfire at a building a couple of blocks from here.
Who needs coffee? That'll get me rewed up! You're penned in.
We're not going to get out.
Trust me.
I know what I'm doing.
Sledge! Let's show a little respect for the uniform, huh? Get cleaned up, pronto! Hold it down.
What's going on here? What's going on? This old coot was shooting at that guy over there.
- Luckily, the bullets are as old as he is.
- I was only defending myself.
You miserable lowlife, picking on an old man.
That man is a sociaI worker.
He's trying to take Pops here to a retirement home.
Nothing would happen if you'd show some ID.
I tried showing him my card, but he shot it out of my hand.
No one takes GiI Yates to a retirement home alive.
You are Gilmore Yates? I can't believe it.
- I've had that name all my life.
- You know this man? One of the greatest cops that ever lived.
He's legendary! I've read everything that's ever been written about you.
I've patterned my whole life after you.
I'm Inspector Hammer and it is an honour to shake your hand.
I didn't know where you've been.
I haven't heard anything.
I thought you were dead or in a retirement home.
OK, you guys can leave.
We'll take care of this.
- I'm supposed to take him to the home.
- He's under our custody.
- Maybe I should press charges.
- If you don't leave, I'm gonna press you.
Because I am getting very anti-sociaI-worker.
All right, you guys.
You got rid of the flapjack.
Take your lady friend and scram.
I am his partner, Detective Dori Doreau.
We're gonna take you downtown, Mr Yates.
A woman detective? What? Do you nag the crooks to confess? So, tell me.
Didn't you get suspects to confess by tying 'em to the back of a ModeI A, and dragging them around the parking lot? Yeah, yeah, yeah, I did that.
And once, didn't you stop a train robbery by just blowing up the whole train? - Oh, a couple of times.
- I respect you so much.
I've blown up things, too.
You ever get put on suspension? I created suspension.
I'm always on suspension.
- You ever talk to your gun? - You think I'm some kind of freak? - No, it's - Who's this man you're slapping over here? Oh, that's GeneraI Patton.
Boy, you were some tough cop.
You didn't take anything from anybody.
I wish I could have seen you make a collar.
Boom! Bam! Huh? Boy, you roughed 'em up.
I wish I could've seen that.
- You can take me in now.
- What's your hurry? I can't stand this guy droolin' over me.
Well This guy's the best.
He's just You've been my hero for as long as I can remember.
I followed all your exploits.
Well, I ain't nobody's hero no more.
They don't give you a chance when you get to my age.
Hey, sarge, book her.
You know, they say I can't remember.
- How old are you? - I can't remember.
AII I know is cop's work.
They want to put me in a home because I can't live on a cop's pension.
Hey! I booked that guy's father.
Like father, like son! How much is a cop's pension? Oh 72 a month.
No, no, no, wait a minute.
I'm 72.
I don't know.
AII I know is I can't afford to buy a newspaper with it.
You know, I could be productive.
I should be out there, busting heads.
I didn't want to retire.
They made me.
.
.
you say can and will be used against you.
You have the right Crooks don't have rights.
They gave them up when they became crooks.
- I love this guy.
- Ah, they're trash.
Oh, this is the infamous Gilmore Kerblam Yates! Rather reckless, Mr Yates, an ex-cop using a sociaI worker for target practice.
And they say you lose it when you get older.
You know, Mr Yates, you served under my grandfather.
- Who was that? - Clavell Trunk.
- Clavell? - Yeah.
Had to live with that name all his life.
Yeah.
Yeah, I remember him.
He was a good cop.
Used to yell a lot.
Must be hereditary.
Captain, we have to book Mr Yates.
That won't be necessary.
The sociaI worker won't press charges.
That is, if Mr Yates agrees to go to the retirement home.
I am not going to a home.
I'm twice the cop that any of you namby-pambies are, and I'm going to prove it to you.
Hey! Hey, you! Stand up on your feet.
What's the idea, huh? What's the idea? Take your hat off.
Tell me, what do you know? I know I'm Detective Robertson.
Hammer, take that man home.
You're responsible for him.
Doreau, you're responsible for Hammer.
And that man.
- Oh, no.
- Yes! - You should give the home a chance.
- Never.
Sure glad my wife isn't around to see this.
Oh.
Your wife passed away, huh? - I wish! I had to kick her out.
She couldn't relate to me.
It must feeI good to ride in a black-and-white again? Yeah! Hey, I know you're supposed to take me home, but maybe you'd let me ride with you the rest of the day, for old times' sake.
Sounds fine to me.
What do you think? Absolutely not! She thinks it's a good idea, too.
I tell you what.
Why don't we stop by the firing range? We can all stand around together and shoot our guns.
Good! OK! Then I can prove to both of you I still got what it takes.
Good style.
Yeah, hello, Gilmore.
OK, that was good, great.
- What? What? - The targets are back there.
Ah, don't bother me with details.
No, no, no.
Did I hit anything? No.
Thank goodness.
Those were just warning shots.
I'II I'll reload.
No, it would be much safer if you did not reload.
Doreau, have a little respect.
No, that's all right.
The little lady doesn't think I still have it.
I'm gonna tell you something, little lady.
Picasso was painting untiI he was 90.
You cannot kill someone with a still life.
It's just typicaI of this society to let a revered trigger-happy cop rot in a retirement home.
He needs to feeI like a productive member of society.
- He needs a job.
- All this man knows is police work.
We'll go to the board.
There's always something relating to police work.
Do you mind if I have something to say? Absolutely.
Follow us.
You're right, there are a lot of jobs.
Hmm Night watchman, security guard.
Security guard? That job's a graveyard for old cops.
Well, it pays eight bucks an hour.
I just died.
Of course, the business has dropped off since I solicited for a guard, and I'd hoped for someone a little younger.
- How much younger? - About 72 years.
- You brought the 2000-year-old cop.
- Mr Smith - Smythe.
It is pronounced Smythe.
- All right, Mr Smythe.
Mr Yates has 50 years of valuable police experience.
That's a bargain at eight dollars an hour.
One of the finest cops this city's ever seen.
He was the first cop to yell, "Freeze".
I am expecting a valuable shipment from the Von Bornstein estate.
I used all my equity and bought the family jewels.
There you go.
You need somebody to guard them.
All right, but just on a triaI basis.
Good.
You won't regret this.
You've got one very responsible man.
Doreau, quit fooling around.
Damn.
They never have my favourite song on the jukebox.
- What's that? - Taps.
You know, looking out for Mr Yates showed me you're not all hostility and vengeance.
Mostly, but not all.
Listen, Doreau, without Gilmore Yates we wouldn't have police brutality or free coffee.
It's quite a debt we owe that man.
As long as we're in the neighbourhood, why don't we stop by? Hey, lady, hands up! Hands up! Yates, stop that.
That is my mother-in-law.
Oh, I'm sorry.
If I knew that, I would've shot her, Mr Smith.
Smythe.
- How you doing? - Why'd you come? Checkin' up on me? - Came to say hi.
- And to check up on you.
How're are you liking it here? ReaI nice, very interesting.
Say, I want to show you around.
- This is Mr Smith.
- Yeah, we've met.
Uh, this is the Von Bornstein family jewels.
- Very elegant.
- Very expensive, huh? All that glitters is not gold! And this, this I gotta show you.
Now this, this is really interesting.
I find it fascinating.
Hans is a diamond cutter.
But he's a perfectionist.
- Wasn't that fascinating? - Yeah.
Excuse me.
Mr Yates does have work to do.
- Oh, thanks for coming.
- No, quite all right.
Seeing you in that uniform, it makes you look 75.
Aw See you later, Sledge.
Watch those swinging doors.
Freeze! Smythe, fill up the bag.
- Don't forget the Von Bornstein jewels.
- Don't hurt anybody.
'Attention, all units.
Robbery in progress.
'Smith Jewellers, 111 East Wellington.
'Repeat, all units.
Robbery in progress.
' Hammer, stop blaming yourself.
It's my fault.
I pushed him into getting that job and he's wounded, in snooze heaven.
Absolutely not.
I'm sure he appreciates everything you did for him.
Oh, Hammer, he couldn't possibly hold you responsible.
- You! It's all your fault.
- Lift! Higher! Right.
He doesn't hold me responsible.
Mr Yates, come on! How bad could this place be? - They liquefy their food.
- Well, that's good for you.
Toast? Steak? Sushi? Let's go.
Get me down to the police station, so I can start identifying the sleazeballs.
It's really not necessary, because Smith swears they can't be identified.
His insurance company's gonna pay him off, so why don't we just forget it, huh? Why have you given up? I can identify those creeps.
We can naiI 'em.
I got my reputation to think about.
Now, get me outta here.
Let's give it a rest.
The robbery detaiI's working on it.
Look, you owe me.
Now, give me a chance.
You got me shot.
We've been through this before.
Remember? Hammer, no! No! Hammer! Don't worry.
He'll be able to identify the sleazebag that shot him.
Just don't let the grey hair fooI you.
He's still got the mind of a cop.
I'll go back it around.
- Darn! - What? - Battery's dead.
- Oh, terrific! Now all we need is someone to give us a boost.
Hey, wait a minute.
This stupid chair is powered by a car battery.
You see, that was resourcefuI.
I just hope the power surge from your car isn't .
.
too powerfuI for the wheelchair.
- His eyes were slits.
- Got that? - And his hair, fuzzy.
- All right.
- Anything else? - No, that's about it.
What've you got? That's him! Now the other one.
He had stripes and a big puffball on top of his head.
And their voices.
If I could hear their voices, I'd remember them.
Always had a good ear.
- Yeah? - My left one.
- Thank you, Mr Yates.
- Wait a minute.
Why don't we get the voice print computer? - OK, how about these? - Just punch it in.
- 'I swear, I didn't do it.
' - No.
Inspector, here's those files you wanted.
- That's him.
- That's a cop.
- Hey, don't stand so close.
- Yeah, don't stand so close.
'I am not a crook.
' No.
'I'm a Pisces, my moon in Taurus.
I like show tunes.
' - That's him! - You sure? - You betcha! - What do we have on that crumb cake? OK.
Red Williams, two priors.
Said he used to work for a Bruno Reece.
Let's go beat 'em up.
Hammer, I just got word that Smith Jewellers was held up again.
That's Smythe.
I just got word that Smythe Jewellers was held up again.
This time, the robbers were shot by the owner.
Well, let's go! Now, come on, guys.
Hey, guys.
Hey, help me out of this.
Guys, come on, it's my case! What you got, Blates? I checked out everything, Inspector.
Attempted robbery.
The store owner shot them both.
They're identified as Red Williams and Bruno Reece.
Yates was right.
The same two who robbed him before.
- Anything else? - Yeah.
You can get a great deaI on a watch here.
Quartz.
Uh-huh.
Looks like you took the law into your own hands.
Good for you.
Since that old fooI you forced on me turned out to be useless, I bought my own gun.
But I'm very upset.
I never intended to use it.
I can't take it back now.
The two men you killed are the men who robbed you the other day.
Did you know that? Doesn't that strike you as odd? Not really.
I've built my reputation on repeat business.
But no more.
I'm closing up shop.
I didn't go into the jewellery business to kill people.
Oh, yeah? I've seen your prices.
Well, I'm having a gunfire sale now.
Everything must go.
Drastic reductions.
Excuse me.
We'd better send somebody over to the last known address to recover the jewels.
We'll take Yates back to the home.
This case appears to be solved.
Doreau, appearances can be deceiving.
I'm sorry if I filled your head full of false hopes.
You can be active here.
You can be the same Yates you always were.
'Attention, all residents.
"There will be a session on care and maintenance of your artificiaI hip 'in the lounge, thank you.
' I tell you, this case is not closed.
It's too perfect.
It's too easy.
Besides, I got more information.
- Like what? - Clues, facts.
Mr Yates, both the gunmen are dead, Mr Smith is closing up his shop.
That's Smythe.
Hey, you got it! That creep called him Smythe.
He knew how to pronounce his name.
- So, what does that prove? - That he was in on it.
He knew him.
- Smith could have been in on it.
- That's Smythe.
Mr Yates, we really appreciate everything you're doing.
But you're grasping at straws now.
We gotta go.
Come on, Sledge.
Are you gonna take orders from her? Take care of yourself, Yates.
And remember.
To serve and protect.
I'm never wrong.
I'm never wrong! You chicken! I can't help thinking about Yates.
What if he was right? What if Smith was in on it? Inspector, we searched both their places.
Couldn't find the jewels.
- Must have fenced them.
- Or maybe they never had 'em.
Thank you, Majoy.
Doreau, I want you to check every known jeweI fence.
I'm going to go visit Mr Smith at home.
Just rub a little on my shoulder.
I see you're still upset about killing those robbers.
Oh Well Some friends just came over to try and cheer me up.
Is it helping? Every day, every way, a little better.
- Good.
- What are you doing here? - I want to ask a couple of routine questions.
- Anything to help.
Would you like a fruity drink first? Honey, would you get him a fruity drink? No, thanks.
I'm on duty.
Oh.
Would you get me a refill, then? Couple of nice Von Bornsteins she's got on her.
Oh, yes! What? Where did she? Why, that that thieving! All right, Mr JeweI Thief, now you're going out of business for good.
You got a very interesting way of keeping books.
First, you steaI from yourself to collect from the insurance.
And then you turn your pals into silent partners.
Then you can keep it all, can't you? Pretty greedy.
Looks like you got me.
- Looks like it.
- Cop! You turned out to be just as worthless as that old man.
Yates! Look out! Come on.
Here.
Here.
Give me your hand.
Yates, that was reckless, careless, it was totally irresponsible.
And I loved it! On behalf of the department, Officer Yates, I'd like to present you with this commendation.
I I never got one of these things before.
I never thought too much of 'em.
I think I appreciate it.
Congratulations, Mr Yates.
I don't think much of awards either, but congratulations anyway.
Good luck on your new job as head of security here.
It's going to be pretty tough patrolling on these crutches.
Hey, lady! Lady! One piece of pound cake per person.
Freeze.