So Weird (1999) s01e13 Episode Script

1 DEMONS COME FROM EVERY SIDE IN THE DARKNESS IS THE LIGHT OUT OF THE SHADOWS OF MY LIFE IN THE DARKNESS IS THE LIGHT IN THE DARKNESS IS THE LIGHT SURRENDER WILL WIN THE FIGHT THIS GIRL'S WALKED ON FIRE AND ICE BUT I COME OU ON THE OTHER SIDE OF PARADISE PARADISE GHOST LIGHTS ARE ONE OF THE MOST COMMONLY REPORTED TYPES OF PARANORMAL PHENOMENA.
THEY'VE BEEN SEEN IN PLACES ALL OVER THE WORLD, INCLUDING THE LITTLE TOWN OF MARFA, TEXAS, WHERE THEY'VE BECOME A MAJOR TOURIST ATTRACTION.
THE SO-CALLED "MARFA LIGHTS" HOVER AND DART, ALMOST AS IF GUIDED BY SOME UNKNOWN INTELLIGENCE, SO WHAT ARE THEY? MOST OF THE LOCALS THINK THEY'RE STATIC ELECTRICITY, OR MAYBE THE REFLECTION OF THE CAR HEADLIGHTS FROM THE NEARBY CHIANTI MOUNTAINS.
ASK THE NATIVE AMERICANS, AND YOU'LL GE A VERY DIFFERENT EXPLANATION, LIKE FALLEN STARS AND GHOSTS.
SOMETIMES YOU'LL EVEN HEAR WHISPERS ABOUT HOW THE LIGHTS ARE ACTUALLY EVIL SPIRITS.
IT'S NICE TO BE HEADLINING.
ALL PART OF MY COMEBACK TOUR MASTER STRATEGY.
TODAY, MARFA, TEXAS, TOMORROW BRANSON, MISSOURI.
OPENING FOR LIBERACE-MANIA.
NOT THE ACTUAL LIBERACE, BUT AN INCREDIBLE SIMULATION.
WELL, AT LEAS THEY MADE YOU GRAND MARSHAL OF THE FESTIVAL.
YEAH, MAYBE I'LL GE TO WEAR A GOOFY HAT.
YEAH.
COME ON.
THESE ARE COOL.
HEY, MOM, HAVE A GOOD SHOW.
DID YOU CHARGE THE CELL PHONE? YEP, WE'RE CHARGED AND READY.
FLASHLIGHT? GOT IT.
FRESH BATTERIES? WHY DON'T I GE SOME WOODEN STAKES IN CASE WE GET ATTACKED BY LINE-DANCING VAMPIRES? OKAY, YOU'RE RIGHT, I'M SORRY.
JUST STICK TO THE MAIN ROADS, STICK TOGETHER, AND BE BACK BY 10:00? 10:05.
DULY NOTED, MRS.
P.
BYE, YOU GUYS.
I'M SO JAZZED ABOUT THESE MYSTERY LIGHTS.
YOU THINK THEY'RE REALLY UFOs? TONIGH WE MAKE CONTACT.
WE'RE NOT GOING TO SEE ANYTHING OUT HERE.
WAIT! I THINK I SEE THEM.
NO, I'M FOR REAL.
IT'S RIGHT THERE.
I'LL BE RIGHT BACK.
HEY, WAIT FOR ME.
WHERE ARE THEY? THIS WAY.
WHERE? BY THE TREE.
THERE'S A HUNDRED TREES.
WHICH ONE? THE ONE I WAS LOOKING AT.
[LAUGHING.]
LOOK, LOOK, THERE IT IS! GIVE ME THE FLASHLIGHT.
JACK.
.
YOU DIDN'T SEE ANYTHING, DID YOU? I DID SO.
PSSTJACK [ LAUGHING .]
JACK HOW WAS I SUPPOSED TO KNOW THAT ARMADILLO EYES REFLECT THE LIGHT? HEY, WHERE'S JACK? JACK? JACK [LAUGHING.]
JACK? JACK? JACK, WHERE ARE YOU? [LAUGHING.]
JACK CLU? DID YOU SEE THAT? SEE WHAT? COME ON.
WHAT? WHOO-HOO! I GUESS SOMEONE DIDN'T MISS US.
WHAT IS THIS, "BODY BY JACK" WORKOUT? JUST ENJOYING THE FEELING OF MY HEART SPEEDING UP.
THE MORE I DO THIS, THE FASTER IT GOES.
IT'S AMAZING! OKAY WHAT HAPPENED? WHAT WAS THAT FLASH? I SAW A FLASH.
PERHAPS IT WAS MERELY MY HEART COMBUSTING WITH JOY OVER THE KNOWLEDGE THAT I HAVE A CARING LITTLE SISTER TO LOOK OUT FOR ME SHOULD I LOSE MY WAY.
HEY! SEE YOU.
COMBUSTING WITH JOY? OH, DOPPELGANGER? FI.
WHY DO YOU PROGRAM THIS WITH SUCH HARD WORDS? I HAVE TO DO SOMETHING TO KEEP JACK FROM WINNING ALL THE TIME.
[ SINGING .]
GOOD MORNING, ALL.
MORNING, HONEY, GRAB A BAGEL.
MMM.
THESE ARE SIMPLY FANTASTIC.
AMBROSIA.
WHAT ARE THEY? UH, THEY'RE ONION.
I TAKE IT YOU HAD A GOOD HIKE LAST NIGHT? ACTUALLY, IT WAS KIND OF A BUMMER.
WE HAD TO WALK REALLY FAR TO GET TO THE SCENIC OVERLOOK, AND THE MARFA LIGHTS DIDN'T EVEN SHOW.
JACK SURE LOVED IT, THOUGH.
HE SKIPPED THE WHOLE WAY THERE, RIGHT, MAN? SKIPPED? YEAH.
AND HE DIDN'T EVEN GET TIRED.
THESE ARMS JUST DON'T SEEM TO BEND PROPERLY FOR BACK-SCRATCHING, DO THEY? JACK, ARE YOU OKAY? OH SO THIS IS THE TRICK.
HEAVENLY.
COOL.
AFTER YOUR MOSS-TRAVERSING SPUNKIES DECOY THE MAN THAT LATE AND DRUNK IS THE BLAZING, CURSED MISCHIEVOUS MONKEYS DELUDE HIS EYES TILL IN SOME MIRY SWAMP HE SUNK IS NEVER MORE TO RISE HEY, THAT KICKS.
WHAT IS IT? ONE OF YOUR MOM'S NEW SONGS? THE MUSIC IS MINE.
TO A LYRIC BY A DELIGHTFUL SCOTSMAN BY THE NAME OF ROBERT BURNS.
HEY, ROBERT BURNS.
WASN'T HE THE GUY THAT WROTE LYRICS FOR THE DEAD? NO, THAT WAS ORPHEUS.
OKAY, GUYS, TIME TO HEAD OUT.
SURE, MOM.
A MOST UNUSUAL MIRROR.
WHAT? I'M NOT ALLOWED TO SHARE IT? THAT DEPENDS.
IF YOU LOOKED IN IT, WHO WOULD YOU SEE? WHY, YOUR BROTHER JACK, OF COURSE.
YOU KNOW, USUALLY A PERSON WOULD ANSWER THAT QUESTION BY SAYING "ME.
" YES, WELL, UH, WE'RE NO ORDINARY FAMILY, ARE WE, NOW? HEY, YOU'RE YOU'RE NO MY BROTHER.
SOMETHING HAPPENED IN THE WOODS.
WHO ARE YOU? ARE YOU SOME KIND OF EVIL SPIRIT? OH, DIRECT.
NO SUMMONING-GLYPHS OR PENTAGRAMS FOR THIS YOUNG LASSIE.
PERHAPS I'M A GENIE.
THREE WISHES FOR THE LUCKY GIRL THAT BOTTLES ME.
OR A LEPRECHAUN.
I WANT ME GOLD! TELL ME THE TRUTH! THE PROBLEM WITH YOU MORTALS IS THE LIMITED LIFESPAN.
RUSH, RUSH, RUSH LESS THAN A CENTURY TO GET THINGS DONE.
NO TIME FOR LAUGHTER.
AH! NO TIME TO SIT BACK AND ENJOY LIFE.
I WEEP FOR YE, I DO.
AH HA! ON THE INSIDE.
THIS ISN'T FUNNY.
WHAT ARE YOU? DON"T YOU CONSULT YOUR MIRROR? MY, THIS MIRROR DOES REFLECT WELL.
MOM! MOM! MOM, I'M TELLING YOU, IT'S NOT THE REAL JACK! QUACK, QUACK, LITTLE DUCK.
MOM? LET'S KEEP THIS OUR WEE SECRET.
SHH.
WHERE ARE WE? THE NEXUS.
A PLACE WHERE TIME HAS NO MEANING.
YOU COULD SAY WE'RE BETWEEN TICKS OF THE CLOCK.
WHY IS MOM AND EVERYBODY FROZEN? WHAT DID YOU DO TO THEM? PUT THEM IN COLD STORAGE.
I CAN'T HAVE YOU STOMPING AROUND YELLING "MY BROTHER'S BEEN POSSESSED BY A MALEVOLENT FAIRY!" AT LEAST, NOT UNTIL I'VE HAD A CHANCE TO STUDY UP ON HOW TO BE YOUR BROTHER.
APPARENTLY, I'M NOT DOING A VERY GOOD IMITATION.
STUDY UP? YOU KNOW, LOOK OVER HIS MEMORIES, HIS SECRETS.
THE UNEXAMINED LIFE IS NOT WORTH LIVING, EH? WHEN I'M DONE, I'LL BLINK YOU AND MOMMY AND ALL OUR FRIENDS BACK INTO THE MORTAL WORLD AND EVERYONE WILL THINK I'M THE REAL JACK.
ONLY WE'LL KNOW THE TRUTH.
EH, LITTLE DUCK? IF YOU DON'T BRING JACK BACK, I'LL FIND A WAY TO MAKE YOU DO IT.
OH? WILL YOU, NOW? USING YOUR MAGIC MIRROR, PERHAPS? LET'S SEE WHAT CLUES ARE TO BE HAD.
WILL-O-THE-WISP.
A MISCHIEVOUS CREATURE OF LIGH FOUND IN SCOTTISH LEGEND.
NOTORIOUS FOR LEADING TRAVELERS INTO THE BOGS AND POSSESSING THEIR BODIES.
ALSO CALLED "SPUNKIES.
" YES, EVEN AS A YOUNG SPUNKIE I WAS CONSIDERED A REBEL.
I GREW BORED AND LEFT THE HIGHLANDS WRETCHED PLACE, ALL THAT MIST AND MUD I THEN TOOK UP RESIDENCE IN LOVELY, WARM, DRY TEXAS.
BUT WHO WANTS TO REMAIN A FLOATING BALL OF LIGH IN A LAND WITH SO MUCH TO SEE AND DO AND SO MUCH TO BUY, AND WHERE JUST ABOUT ANYBODY CAN BE ELECTED PRESIDENT? [ HUMMING "HAIL TO THE CHIEF" .]
WILL YOU VOTE FOR ME, LITTLE DUCK? I'VE DONE NOTHING TO HURT YOU.
WHY DON'T YOU GIVE ME MY BROTHER BACK? PLEASE.
OH, DEAR GIRL, ALL YOU NEED DO TO BE RID OF ME IS TO SAY IN A LOUD, CLEAR VOICE "BEGONE FROM THIS MORTAL FORM.
" BEGONE FROM THIS MORTAL FORM.
HMM.
TRY IT LOUDER.
BEGONE FROM THIS MORTAL FORM! COME NOW, GIRL.
GIVE IT SOME OOMPH! BEGONE FROM THIS MORTAL FORM! I'M SORRY.
I FORGOT ONE SMALL DETAIL.
I DOESN'T WORK UNLESS YOU INVOKE MY ONE TRUE NAME.
WHAT IS IT? THEREIN, YOU SEE, LIES THE SWEET SPUNKIE'S GAME.
I'LL GIVE YOU A GO AT GUESSING ME NAME.
THOUGH MEASURED IN SEVEN, NO MORE AND NO LESS, CHOOSE WELL, ME LASS, FOR YOU'VE ONLY ONE GUESS.
YOU HAVE UNTIL I'VE FINISHED ABSORBING JACK'S MEMORY.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GUESS YOUR NAME? IT COULD BE ANYTHING.
A HINT IT'S NOT RUMPELSTILTSKIN.
WILL YOU QUIT JUMPING AROUND LIKE THAT? DO TRY AND KEEP UP.
IT'S JACK'S LIFE.
IF YOU JUST SHUT UP FOR ONE MINUTE, I BET YOU COULD THINK OF SOMETHING TO SAY.
IF YOU'D JUST SHUT UP FOR ONE MINUTE YOU'RE ALREADY GETTING BETTER.
AM I, NOW? SURE.
YOU HAVE A KNACK FOR BEING A BROTHER.
DO YOU HAVE ANY SISTERS OF YOUR OWN? I'VE 99 BROTHERS AND SISTERS.
SPUNKIES COME IN LITTERS OF A HUNDRED.
YOU KNOW.
REALLY? YOU MUST BE THE SMARTEST OF THEM ALL.
AYE.
I WAS FULL OF MERRY TRICKS.
ONCE I LURED FERGUS THE GLASSBLOWER TO A WATERY DOOM IN THE SWAMPS AND MADE THE VILLAGERS THINK 'TWAS HIS WIFE DONE HIM IN.
HOW I MISS MAKING ME DEAR MA LAUGH.
YOU HAD A MOM? WHY DON'T YOU TELL ME ABOUT HER? I RECALL HER KIND FACE, HER SNOWY HAIR, HER HAND-KNITTED SHAWL.
FACE AND HAIR? I THOUGHT WILL-O-THE-WISPS WERE JUST BALLS OF LIGHT.
OOP.
SO THEY ARE.
I MUST'VE MADE THE WHOLE THING UP.
REALLY, CHILD, WHAT WAS YOUR NEX QUESTION TO BE? "OH, BY THE WAY, MR.
SPUNKIE, WHAT NAME DID YOUR MUM GIVE YOU?" GO AHEAD.
LIE ALL YOU WANT.
IT'S NOT GOING TO BRING YOU ANY CLOSER TO BEING JACK.
YOU KNOW.
HE MAY BE A PAIN IN THE BUTT, BUT HE ALWAYS TELLS THE TRUTH.
SO? SO.
EVEN IF YOU DO LEARN TO IMITATE HIS ACTIONS, YOU STILL HAVE NO IDEA WHAT IT'S LIKE TO BE JACK.
YOU'LL NEVER FOOL MOM.
OH? WELL, THEN, MAYBE I SHOULD LEAVE THE WHOLE LOT OF YOU HERE TRAPPED IN THE NEXUS AND GO BACK TO THE MORTAL WORLD ALONE.
FINE, BUT THE POLICE WILL SUSPEC YOU'VE DONE SOMETHING TERRIBLE TO US, AND THEN YOU'LL NEVER BE PRESIDENT.
HMM.
ALL RIGHT, THEN.
TELL ME HOW TO BE JACK.
MAYBE WE COULD MAKE A BARGAIN.
A BARGAIN? MM-HMM.
WE'LL TRADE INFORMATION.
YOU ASK ME, I'LL ASK YOU.
WE EACH HAVE TO ANSWER TRUTHFULLY.
HMM.
DONE.
BUT NO FAIR ASKING ME ABOUT MY NAME.
HERE'S MY FIRS QUESTION.
I'VE SEEN MANY SCENES OF YOUR BROTHER MOCKING AND VEXING YOU, SO HOW DO YOU EXPLAIN THIS CONVERSATION? WHAT? THE THING IS I KNOW I GET MAD AT YOU SOMETIMES, AND I'M NOT THE PERFECT SISTER, BUT THERE'S SO MANY OTHER THINGS, AND I JUST DON'T KNOW HOW TO SAY THEM.
I FEEL LIKE IF I WERE YOU, I'D KNOW HOW TO SAY THEM.
YOU KNOW, JACK, YOU'RE MY BIG BROTHER, JACK.
I LOVE YOU, JACK.
IT'S A BIG BROTHER- LITTLE SISTER THING.
YEAH, WE FIGH AND STUFF, BUT JACK LOOKS OUT FOR ME.
HE CARES FOR ME.
NOW IT'S TIME FOR YOU TO ANSWER MY QUESTION.
WHO GAVE YOU YOUR NAME? NOBODY.
THAT'S NOT AN ANSWER.
SOMEONE HAD TO GIVE YOU YOUR NAME.
I COME FROM ANOTHER WORLD THE WORLD OF SPIRITS.
THIS PLACE IS THE NEXUS 'TWIXT THE SPIRIT WORLD AND YOUR MORTAL WORLD.
IN THE SPIRIT WORLD, YOUR SECRET NAME EXISTS AT THE MOMENT OF YOUR CREATION.
THE SPIRIT WORLD? IS THAT WHERE PEOPLE GO WHEN THEY DIE? UH-UH-UH.
MY TURN, LITTLE DUCK.
I THINK ABOUT HIM TOO, YOU KNOW.
EXPLAIN THIS, PLEASE.
HE WAS TALKING ABOU OUR FATHER.
OUR DAD DIED WHEN I WAS THREE.
WE BOTH WE MISS HIM.
IT'S HARD FOR JACK, I THINK.
IT MAKES YOU SAD.
AND JACK MUST BE SAD TOO.
YOU HAVE TO ANSWER MY QUESTION NOW.
YOUR WORLD IS THAT WHERE PEOPLE GO WHEN THEY DIE? IF YOU'D JUST SHUT UP FOR ONE MINUTE, I BET YOU COULD THINK OF SOMETHING TO SAY THAT MIGHT ACTUALLY HELP HER.
THERE.
YOU SEE? I'M DONE.
OH, DRAT.
JUST WHEN I GET THE INSIDE OF THIS HUMAN FIGURED OUT, THE OUTSIDE STILL VEXES ME.
GO AWAY.
I MUST PUT ON THE FINISHING TOUCHES.
"MEASURED IN SEVEN.
" MEASURED IN DUH, HIS NAME IS SEVEN LETTERS LONG.
NAH, TOO EASY.
I THINK ABOUT HIM TOO, YOU KNOW.
PRETTY GOOD, EH? SO WHAT'S ON YOUR MIND, SIS? I WANT TO MAKE ANOTHER DEAL.
OH, PLEASE.
NO, I'M SERIOUS.
I'VE BEEN CHECKING UP ON FAIRYTALES.
IN RUMPELSTILTSKIN, THE GIRL GETS UNLIMITED GUESSES.
I WANT THE SAME COURTESY.
UNLIMITED GUESSES.
AND IN RETURN, I WOULD GET? YOU UNDERSTAND JACK NOW, BUT YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND THE MORTAL WORLD.
IF I LOSE, I'LL BE YOUR GUIDE.
YOU'LL BE PRESIDENT.
HECK, I'LL BE YOUR SECRETARY OF STATE.
HMM.
YOU WICKED, WICKED GIRL.
I MISJUDGED YOU, LITTLE DUCK.
WELL, I DO WANT TO GET BACK, SO I'LL GIVE YOU ALL THE GUESSES YOU CAN MAKE IN AN HOUR.
AN HOUR? BEST I CAN DO.
OKAY, THE CLOCK STARTS NOW.
WHAT IS THAT? IT'S A PROGRAM JACK MADE SO HE'D NEVER LOSE AT HANGMAN.
WHAT'S IT DOING? IT'S CYCLING THROUGH EVERY ONE OF THE EIGHT BILLION SEVEN-LETTER COMBINATIONS.
THOSE'LL BE MY GUESSES, AND I WON'T NEED THE WHOLE HOUR.
THIS IS CHEATING! YOU'RE NO GUESSING OUT LOUD, YOU'RE USING A MACHINE TO HELP YOU.
I DON'T HAVE TO STAND HERE AND WATCH THIS.
BY THE RULES OF CELTIC MAGIC, YOU DO.
YOU'RE OBLIGATED TO STAND HERE AND WAI TILL I'M DONE WITH MY GUESSES.
YOU DON'T KNOW WHA YOU'RE DEALING WITH, GIRL.
YOU NEED ME.
YOUR PUNY BROTHER CAN'T PROTECT YOU THE WAY I CAN.
YEAH? PROTECT ME FROM WHAT? DO YOU REALLY THINK I CHOSE YOUR BROTHER BY ACCIDENT? OUT OF ALL THE BODIES IN THE WORLD? THEY KNOW ABOUT YOU.
THEY KNOW WHAT YOU'RE UP TO.
THEY? THOSE IN THE SPIRIT WORLD.
THEY'VE BEEN WATCHING YOU SNIFF AROUND, FOLLOWING THE LEY LINES LIKE A LITTLE BLOODHOUND.
THEY WANT YOU STOPPED, AND BELIEVE ME, I'M A SAIN COMPARED WITH THAT LOT.
TALK ABOU NO SENSE OF HUMOR.
WHY IS THIS BODY PRODUCING WATER? IT'S SWEAT.
YOU KNOW YOU'RE TOASTED.
B! YOUR NAME STARTS WITH B.
SHOULDN'T YOU HAVE PICKED SOMETHING LATER ON IN THE ALPHABET? I WILL OFFER ONE FINAL BARGAIN.
THERE'S NO MORE BARGAINS.
YOU'VE LOST.
TURN OFF YOUR MACHINE AND I'LL LET YOU SPEAK TO YOUR FATHER.
YOU'RE DESPERATE TO KNOW, AREN'T YOU? THINK OF ALL THE QUESTIONS YOU COULD ASK HIM.
WHY HE DIED, WHERE HE IS NOW.
YOU'REYOU'RE LYING.
THERE ARE THINGS HE WANTS YOU TO KNOW.
THINGS YOU NEED TO KNOW.
LOOK INTO YOUR HEART.
YOU KNOW I CAN DO IT.
SHUT OFF YOUR MACHINE, AND I'LL LET YOU SPEAK TO HIM.
SHUT IT OFF.
SHUT IT OFF.
SHUT IT OFF! DADDY? YOU HAVE TO DECIDE NOW! SHUT IT OFF! NO! I MUST HAVE NODDED OFF.
WELL? "WELL" WHAT? YOU JUST RAN OUT OF YOUR ROOM YELLING ABOUT JACK.
FESS UP, WHAT'D YOU DO TO HER? I DON'T KNOW.
I WAS IN THE WOODS, AND THEN YOU GUYS WERE RUNNING OFF LOOKING FOR THOSE DUMB LIGHTS.
EVERYTHING'S OKAY, MOM.
BRICRIU? THAT'S MY NAME, LITTLE DUCK.
REMEMBER IT, BECAUSE I'LL BE BACK!