Soap (1977) s01e13 Episode Script
Episode 13
1 [.]
ANNOUNCER: This is the story of sisters: Jessica Tate and Mary Campbell.
Jessica lives in a neighbourhood known as rich.
Jessica likes life.
The only thing about life she would change, if she could, is that she would set it all to music.
The Tates have more secrets than they do money.
We're approaching Mary Campbell's house.
Mary, too, likes life.
Unfortunately, life doesn't seem to be too crazy about her.
As you can see, the Campbells don't have nearly as much money as the Tates.
They do, however, have as many secrets.
In last week's episode of Soap, Jessica came back after walking out on Chester, and told him if he was ever unfaithful again, she'd leave him for good.
Jessica then went to visit Corinne, only Corinne wasn't there.
But Peter was and with another woman.
Jessica was so angry that Peter was cheating on her daughter, she threatened to kill him.
Corinne came home later and also found Peter with another woman.
Upset, she checked into a motel, called Father Tim, and said she was going to kill herself.
Father Tim rushed over and found Corinne wasn't going to kill herself, she only felt like killing herself.
Actually, Peter was the one she really wanted to kill.
And Peter, who was taking a shower after his busy day, much to his surprise, was, in fact, killed.
Confused? You won't be after this week's episode of Soap.
We begin this week's episode, the morning after Burt was able, and Mary was willing.
[SINGING TO THE TUNE OF "LIFE IS JUS A BOWL OF CHERIES".]
Oh, this is a day for pancakes.
If ever there was a day for pancakes, this is it.
Ho-ho.
Oh, am I happy.
Am I happy.
I did it, I finally did it.
I did it.
And very well too, I might add.
I don't know, I guess it's something you never really forget how to do.
You know, it's like, uh It's like riding a bike.
I mean you stay away a few years, you get back on, you know how to ride, so I'm back on the bike path again.
[SINGING.]
Life is really good.
Oh.
My sons are here.
And Jodie.
Ho-hoh.
Jodie.
Jodie had a date with a girl last night and didn't come home.
[CHUCKLING.]
Things are working out again.
Not one wink.
I didn't sleep one wink.
Come on, Bob, would you? Well, you snore, they carry on.
I'm up all night.
Right now I'm functioning solely on adrenalin.
Hey, you guys, hey.
How about pancakes this morning? Hey, how about some quiet at night? Bob had trouble sleeping.
Yeah.
I never heard anything like it.
I thought they had the Ohio State Marching Band in there.
That's funny, I didn't hear a thing.
Heh-heh.
You know your father's an idiot? Shut up, Bob.
Oh, this is disgusting.
Quiet, would you, please? Have your juice.
There are other people here.
Oh.
I thought I'd make pancakes this morning to kind of celebrate.
I'll help you.
Heh.
Well, actually, pancakes aren't enough.
It really should be something much bigger.
How about big pancakes? I I got it.
A party.
A party.
We'll throw a party.
We'll have a party to celebrate.
To celebrate? Yeah, last night.
Burt, you can't have a party for that.
Come on.
Sure you can.
We'll invite everybody we know.
Don't bother.
Last night, half the town knew.
Good morning.
Hey.
So? Huh? So? Huh? How was it? What? What? What? I love this guy.
He's out all night with a girl and he says to me, "What?" Spectacular, right? Now you know why they write those songs.
Burt, uh Ah, no, no.
Come on, come on.
Admit it, huh? It's pretty great stuff.
Burt, you're embarrassing him.
I'm not embarrassing him, Mary.
This is man talk.
Well you're embarrassing me.
It's rank.
Burt, I didn't do anything.
Oh.
Well, sure.
Pfft.
I got your message.
Okay.
Listen, I gotta go.
If we're gonna have a party, we gotta start inviting people.
Uh, listen, I'm gonna go by and I'll invite Peter in person.
Then I'll go to the Tates.
I'll even invite them.
What the heck.
Oh, it's terrific, Mary.
So terrific.
I feel like Paul Revere.
But you can't tell people.
Mary, if I don't tell about the party, how are they gonna know they're coming? No.
I mean you can't tell them the reason for the party.
Oh, right, right.
I can't.
No.
Uh How about I tell them it's a surprise party? A surprise party? Yeah.
If they knew what it was for BOTH: Boy, would they be surprised.
I'll see you I'll see you, toots.
[CHUCKLES.]
[.]
[KNOCKING.]
Peter.
Hey, Peter.
Peter [CLICK.]
Uh, Pete? Hey, uh, uh, Pete.
Pete, it's me, Dad.
Uh, hey, I-I'm sorry to come barging in like this but, uh, you didn't hear me knock, and I don't know, the door was open, so, uh, anyway uh, [SHOWER RUNNING.]
uh, listen, I I came here to invite you to a party tonight.
Mary and I are gonna have a little celebration.
No, it's not a birthday or anything like that.
We're just celebrating.
I don't know, just, I don't know, life, happiness, uh, general joy, you know? Actually, it's not so general.
We are, uh, celebrating something, ho-ho, very specific, but we can't tell anybody about it.
So, uh, anyway, we I really want you to be there.
Uh, around 8:00 and dress informal.
And R.
S.
V.
P.
Uh, uh, uh Peter, uh, if you Can you hear me with the water running? Because if you can and you answered me, I can't hear you.
I'm talking to water.
Hey, Pete.
Peter.
Oh, my God.
[.]
[DOOR UNLOCKING.]
I can't get over it.
I just can't get over it.
[EXHALES.]
He looked so peaceful.
He was murdered.
I know.
He was my son.
I know.
Darling, why don't you sit? I'll get you a cup of coffee.
Who would do a thing like that? Well, what I can't believe is that it happened in Connecticut.
That's what I can't believe.
And I mean, this kind of thing happens in states like New Jersey, or California, or Chicago.
But not in Connecticut.
Uh, listen everybody, why don't you help yourselves to some food? Benson's got a whole mess of food in the dining room.
It is not a mess.
Who could eat at a time like this? Who could possibly eat? I could.
I'm famished.
It's okay to eat, dear.
There's nothing wrong with eating.
Hmm.
Peter would want us to eat.
What are you talking about? Peter is dead.
What does he care whether we eat or not? What she means, Mr.
Campbell, is that life goes on.
Is that a fact? Life goes on, huh? What about Peter's life? That did not go on.
Burt.
Okay.
I'm sorry.
Forgive me.
I don't know what I'm saying.
It's the grief.
Thank you for coming, Father.
It was really very kind of you.
You're welcome, Mrs.
Campbell.
I've known you two families since childhood.
All right, so let's say it does happen in Connecticut, which is highly unusual.
But then, I mean, you'd think it would happen in Hartford, or New Haven, or Stamford, but not Dunn's River.
Boy, your family really knows how to throw a party.
Bob, this is a very sad time.
[SARCASTICALLY.]
Well, excuse me.
All right, so it happens in Connecticut, and, fantastically enough, it happens in Dunn's River, but to happen in your own family.
I mean, somebody else's family, maybe, but your own family.
We all have to go, Jessica.
Sooner or later, we all have to go.
Yeah, and some not soon enough.
Well, when I go, I want a big funeral, with hundreds of people crying, you know, [CHUCKLES.]
and television coverage, and flags at half-mast and the schools closed, and a riderless horse.
Of course, I don't know how you go about getting that.
I wanna be cremated.
You do? Yes.
They can't keep burying people.
Someday we're gonna run out of land.
Oh, that would be terrible.
Where would they put everyone? Jessica, must we talk about this? I know what they could do.
They could make cemeteries like post office boxes, you know, how they stack them one on top of the other.
Only they would have to make them bigger to get the The Jessica, couldn't we talk something cheerful? I'm sure that Burt would like to hear some cheerful talk.
No, I wouldn't.
Well, Chester, I mean, it's very important to discuss these things.
It would be very helpful for me to know what you would like after you're gone because, Chester, once you're gone, it's gonna be too late for you to tell me.
I'm not going, Jessica.
I don't mean right at this moment.
Heh.
Never.
What are you gonna do instead? I'll have them freeze me.
They'll just wrap him in tin foil and put him in with the lamb chops.
No, Benson.
They freeze people and when they discover the cure for what killed them, they thaw them out and then bring them back.
And you're gonna trust somebody to do that? They're paid to do it.
Oh, yeah? What if they don't do it? I mean, if I ever got the cure and saw you lying in the freezer, I'd say, "Eat your heart out.
" How long have you been a rabbi? Couple of days.
Congratulations.
Hey, I'm not really a rabbi.
You're not? No.
Tim, it's me, Danny.
Yeah.
See, I'm running from the mob.
They're trying to kill me.
Oh.
Of course.
[DOORBELL RINGS.]
I just wonder if there really is a life after death.
And if there is, do you think everyone's invited? Afternoon, Mrs.
Tate.
Oh, hello, Officer Tinkler.
I'm Chief of Police Tinkler.
May I come in? I'm afraid this is a very bad time.
There's been a death in the family.
Well, I I know, Mrs.
Tate.
That's precisely why I'm here.
Now, if you'll a-allow me.
Ladies and gentlemen, may I have your attention? I'm, uh, Chief of Police Tinkler.
I-I'm here because there's been a murder.
Another one? Wha? Uh No, no.
It's It's the same Same one.
Now I need to ask some questions and I need to get some answers.
Fact number one, there has been a murder.
No.
Yes, yes.
Peter Campbell was murdered.
[VOICE BREAKING.]
My son.
He was my son! The son of Burt Campbell.
Now the following questions need to have some answers.
How? When? Where? Why? And who? That's an H and four W's.
Number one, how? Well, according to the coroner's report, the victim was stabbed, shot, strangled, suffocated and bludgeoned.
That's four S's and a B.
And still he looked so peaceful.
All right.
What can we assume from the fact that he was stabbed, shot, strangled, suffocated and bludgeoned? That he didn't commit suicide.
Thank you.
Hmm.
Well, we can assume that, uh, Peter Campbell either had many killers, or he had one killer who really hated his guts.
And the next question is "when?" When was he stabbed, shot, strangled, suffocated and bludgeoned? Now, from the coroner's report, I've been able to pinpoint the time of death precisely, between midnight and 7 a.
m.
Where? In his bathroom.
And why? Why was he stabbed, shot, strangled, suffocated and bludgeoned? Hmm? Because somebody wanted him dead.
Right.
Now last but not least, the most important question of all.
Who Who did it? Right again.
Heh-heh.
He's a smart little fella.
All right, who was it that stabbed, shot, strangled, suffocated and, uh Stabbed, shot, strangled, suffocated and, uh S-stabbed, shot, strangled, suffocated Bludgeoned.
Yeah.
Bludgeoned.
Bludgeoned Peter Campbell right there in the privacy of his own bathroom? Hmm? Who? Would anyone here like to confess to the murder of Peter Campbell before I go on with the questionings, huh? Huh? No? No? Just as I thought.
Well, that's That's fine.
Heh.
I love a tough case.
But let me say this, just so you know who you're dealing with when you're dealing with "Piece of Cholief" Tinkler.
Uh, Chief of Police Tinkler.
Right.
I know.
I repeat, I know where the murderer of Peter Campbell is right now.
Then what's the matter with you, for God's sake? Go get him.
Just hold your water, Mr.
Campbell.
Hold your water.
Mr.
Tate, I'm gonna have to ask the youngster to vacate the room.
Why? Crime's an ugly business, son.
But that's not fair.
Why can't I stay? This is violence you're discussing, not sex.
Police orders, son.
Billy.
Uh, uh What are you standing around for, you jerk? Go get him.
He'll get away.
What do you mean? I was the one that told him to leave.
[SCOFFS.]
Not him.
The murderer.
The murderer's not gonna get away, Mr.
Campbell.
Oh, no.
You see, the murderer's right here.
Where? In this room.
JESSICA: Chester? [ALL TALKING OVER EACH OTHER.]
[.]
[.]
[ALL TALKING OVER EACH OTHER.]
Quiet everybody.
Quiet.
Quiet! Uh, you heard correct.
Oh, you can believe your ears.
Heh.
Right here in this room is the murderer of Peter Campbell.
I'll kill ya.
Whoever you are, I'm gonna kill ya.
Burt.
Please, would you all just, uh, sit down.
Uh, s-s-sit down.
Please? Mrs.
Tate, could I trouble you for a glass of milk? Oh, yes.
Benson, would you please get the sheriff a glass of milk? And some cookies? You have Oreos? Right.
I can't wait to find out who did it.
This is just like a movie of the week.
This is the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard.
Now, what person in this room could possibly have killed Peter Campbell? What person? That's right, you idiot.
What person? You, for one.
Huh.
And this is how we spend our tax dollars.
What would my motive be? Jealousy.
CHESTER: Jealousy? Yes, Mr.
Tate.
Ah.
Ha-ha-ha.
Of course.
I knew it.
I knew it was him.
I've always hated him.
Let me at him.
Ahem.
Now, where were you last night Mr.
Tate, between, uh, the hours of midnight and 7? He was at Peter's, killing him.
I was asleep.
Can anyone vouch for that? Of course.
Jessica? Well, I'd like to.
But can you? I was asleep in another room.
Can anyone else vouch for you, Mr.
Tate? Well, I'm sorry, Chester.
Mr.
Tate? Ah.
Benson knows that I was here.
[SOFTLY.]
Sorry.
Uh Well, M Mr.
Tate is Is one of the suspects.
[SIGHS.]
What would my reason be, you idiot? What possible motive could I have had for killing him, you bumbling twit? Because he was having an affair with your wife.
[CHESTER SCREAMS.]
Uh Mr.
Tate is one of the suspects.
The, uh, second suspect is Mrs.
Tate.
Me? TINKLER: Yes, you, Mrs.
Tate.
Because you were having an affair with Peter Campbell, and he left you.
Of course.
I knew it.
Your sweet sister, a murderess.
Uhn! Don't be silly.
I couldn't murder anybody.
I couldn't even spank the children when they were bad.
Uh, well, can anyone vouch for your whereabouts between midnight and 7 a.
m.
? I was asleep in the guest room.
Did anyone see you sleeping in the guest room? I don't know, I was asleep.
The second suspect is Mrs.
Tate.
Now, moving on to the, uh To the third suspect, Corinne.
Oh, come on.
How do you like that? Your niece killed my son.
Where were you last night between midnight and 7 a.
m.
? None of your business.
Hmm? Corinne, please answer his questions.
After all, he is the "piece of cholief.
" Where were you? I was at a motel.
Were you with anyone? No.
No.
But you went to the motel because earlier that evening when you came home, you found Peter Campbell in bed with another woman.
Ah.
Who is the fourth suspect.
No, it's impossible for a blind woman to shoot with that kind of accuracy.
All right, ahem, tallying up now, so far in this room there are three sus Three suspects.
And there are more.
Boy.
Oh, please.
He's a suspect.
Ha.
Why? Well, for two reasons.
Well, number one because he's black.
That's fair.
The other reason is because he's the butler, and we all know that in many, many cases like this, the butler did it.
What? Yeah.
Where do you think they got that expression? I mean, do you think they just dreamed it up? "The butler did it"? No, no.
No, you're suspect number four.
Benson.
Mm.
Yeah, thanks.
Now for you.
Me? Yes, you.
Where were you last night? In a hotel in Washington.
Was there anyone with you that could testify to that? Yeah, uh Um No.
Suspect number five.
I was registered.
I checked out this morning.
Well, that may be true.
But nevertheless, you could have caught one of those shuttle flights at midnight, killed Peter and flown back in plenty of time to check out.
[LAUGHS.]
And that takes us to The Major.
This is getting more and more ridiculous.
Well, we all know he has a gun.
Of course I carry a gun, corporal.
This is wartime.
Suspect number seven.
Carry on.
Ahem.
All right, summing up here, uh, all the Tates are suspect.
Oh, your family.
Now we come to the Campbells.
[LAUGHS.]
Uh, Danny's a suspect.
He's not even here.
Exactly.
He's disappeared.
You think innocent people disappear? Plus, we all know about his connections with the underworld.
You too, are a suspect.
Oh.
I can't wait to hear why.
Because you're a A homo.
That's almost as good as my reason.
Well, we all know that homos do strange things.
That they're homos to begin with makes them a little strange.
Oh Anyway, you got an alibi for last night? Yeah, he does.
He does.
And I can vouch for him.
He was out last night, with a girl.
Huh? [ALL CLAPPING.]
And he didn't come home.
He did not come home.
So not only did he not do it, what he did do disproves your whole gay idea.
So he's not guilty, not gay.
Fine.
You give me the name of the girl, I'll check it out.
I can't.
Jodie, come on.
What are you protecting? She's a nurse, for God sakes.
Everybody knows about nurses.
Burt, I didn't go out with her.
I stood her up.
Ninth suspect.
You didn't take her out? I mean, after After the The shaving lotion, the advice, the whole thing? Suspect number nine.
What is that? I don't understand you.
I gave you He He's the ninth suspect.
Suspect number nine.
Okay? Huh? Huh? All right, now for you guys.
Where were you last night between midnight and 7 a.
m? Huh? I was with Bob, here.
Yeah, he was.
I can vouch for him.
Ha-ha.
Right.
Uh, that leaves you off the hook.
Wait a minute, suspect number 10.
And 11? And 11.
All right, fella, what Oh.
You You're a priest.
Heh.
Well, that leaves you off the hook.
Hey, you.
Uh, Jewish guy.
Who are you? I'm, uh, Rabbi MacCabee.
Oh.
Well, what are you doing here? They're Episcopalian.
Well, I, uh I I was passing by on the street and, uh And I heard grief.
Jewish grief, Catholic grief, Protestant grief, it's all grief to me.
I I do some of my best work with grief.
All right, Rabbi.
I mean, you talk about grief, who knows more about grief? I can spot grief a mile away.
Okay.
Okay, okay.
S S Sit down.
Boy, can they talk.
Mrs.
Campbell, now there's no reason in the world to suspect you.
Hmm.
Therefore, I suspect you.
Suspect number 12.
All right, moving right along to Mr.
Campbell, the, hah The bereaved father, the least likely suspect of all.
Right.
Therefore, a suspect.
What? All right, I advise all of you No, I, uh I-I request all of you to remain in town.
You're all suspect.
You're all to remain here and available for questioning.
You got that? Because sooner or later, one of you, I'm afraid, is going to be arrested for the murder of Peter Campbell.
Have a nice day.
[.]
[.]
ANNOUNCER: Who killed Peter Campbell? Jessica? Chester? Corinne? Eunice? The Major? Benson? Burt? Mary? Jodie? Danny? Chuck? Bob? This question might be answered on next week's episode of Soap.
[.]
ANNOUNCER: This is the story of sisters: Jessica Tate and Mary Campbell.
Jessica lives in a neighbourhood known as rich.
Jessica likes life.
The only thing about life she would change, if she could, is that she would set it all to music.
The Tates have more secrets than they do money.
We're approaching Mary Campbell's house.
Mary, too, likes life.
Unfortunately, life doesn't seem to be too crazy about her.
As you can see, the Campbells don't have nearly as much money as the Tates.
They do, however, have as many secrets.
In last week's episode of Soap, Jessica came back after walking out on Chester, and told him if he was ever unfaithful again, she'd leave him for good.
Jessica then went to visit Corinne, only Corinne wasn't there.
But Peter was and with another woman.
Jessica was so angry that Peter was cheating on her daughter, she threatened to kill him.
Corinne came home later and also found Peter with another woman.
Upset, she checked into a motel, called Father Tim, and said she was going to kill herself.
Father Tim rushed over and found Corinne wasn't going to kill herself, she only felt like killing herself.
Actually, Peter was the one she really wanted to kill.
And Peter, who was taking a shower after his busy day, much to his surprise, was, in fact, killed.
Confused? You won't be after this week's episode of Soap.
We begin this week's episode, the morning after Burt was able, and Mary was willing.
[SINGING TO THE TUNE OF "LIFE IS JUS A BOWL OF CHERIES".]
Oh, this is a day for pancakes.
If ever there was a day for pancakes, this is it.
Ho-ho.
Oh, am I happy.
Am I happy.
I did it, I finally did it.
I did it.
And very well too, I might add.
I don't know, I guess it's something you never really forget how to do.
You know, it's like, uh It's like riding a bike.
I mean you stay away a few years, you get back on, you know how to ride, so I'm back on the bike path again.
[SINGING.]
Life is really good.
Oh.
My sons are here.
And Jodie.
Ho-hoh.
Jodie.
Jodie had a date with a girl last night and didn't come home.
[CHUCKLING.]
Things are working out again.
Not one wink.
I didn't sleep one wink.
Come on, Bob, would you? Well, you snore, they carry on.
I'm up all night.
Right now I'm functioning solely on adrenalin.
Hey, you guys, hey.
How about pancakes this morning? Hey, how about some quiet at night? Bob had trouble sleeping.
Yeah.
I never heard anything like it.
I thought they had the Ohio State Marching Band in there.
That's funny, I didn't hear a thing.
Heh-heh.
You know your father's an idiot? Shut up, Bob.
Oh, this is disgusting.
Quiet, would you, please? Have your juice.
There are other people here.
Oh.
I thought I'd make pancakes this morning to kind of celebrate.
I'll help you.
Heh.
Well, actually, pancakes aren't enough.
It really should be something much bigger.
How about big pancakes? I I got it.
A party.
A party.
We'll throw a party.
We'll have a party to celebrate.
To celebrate? Yeah, last night.
Burt, you can't have a party for that.
Come on.
Sure you can.
We'll invite everybody we know.
Don't bother.
Last night, half the town knew.
Good morning.
Hey.
So? Huh? So? Huh? How was it? What? What? What? I love this guy.
He's out all night with a girl and he says to me, "What?" Spectacular, right? Now you know why they write those songs.
Burt, uh Ah, no, no.
Come on, come on.
Admit it, huh? It's pretty great stuff.
Burt, you're embarrassing him.
I'm not embarrassing him, Mary.
This is man talk.
Well you're embarrassing me.
It's rank.
Burt, I didn't do anything.
Oh.
Well, sure.
Pfft.
I got your message.
Okay.
Listen, I gotta go.
If we're gonna have a party, we gotta start inviting people.
Uh, listen, I'm gonna go by and I'll invite Peter in person.
Then I'll go to the Tates.
I'll even invite them.
What the heck.
Oh, it's terrific, Mary.
So terrific.
I feel like Paul Revere.
But you can't tell people.
Mary, if I don't tell about the party, how are they gonna know they're coming? No.
I mean you can't tell them the reason for the party.
Oh, right, right.
I can't.
No.
Uh How about I tell them it's a surprise party? A surprise party? Yeah.
If they knew what it was for BOTH: Boy, would they be surprised.
I'll see you I'll see you, toots.
[CHUCKLES.]
[.]
[KNOCKING.]
Peter.
Hey, Peter.
Peter [CLICK.]
Uh, Pete? Hey, uh, uh, Pete.
Pete, it's me, Dad.
Uh, hey, I-I'm sorry to come barging in like this but, uh, you didn't hear me knock, and I don't know, the door was open, so, uh, anyway uh, [SHOWER RUNNING.]
uh, listen, I I came here to invite you to a party tonight.
Mary and I are gonna have a little celebration.
No, it's not a birthday or anything like that.
We're just celebrating.
I don't know, just, I don't know, life, happiness, uh, general joy, you know? Actually, it's not so general.
We are, uh, celebrating something, ho-ho, very specific, but we can't tell anybody about it.
So, uh, anyway, we I really want you to be there.
Uh, around 8:00 and dress informal.
And R.
S.
V.
P.
Uh, uh, uh Peter, uh, if you Can you hear me with the water running? Because if you can and you answered me, I can't hear you.
I'm talking to water.
Hey, Pete.
Peter.
Oh, my God.
[.]
[DOOR UNLOCKING.]
I can't get over it.
I just can't get over it.
[EXHALES.]
He looked so peaceful.
He was murdered.
I know.
He was my son.
I know.
Darling, why don't you sit? I'll get you a cup of coffee.
Who would do a thing like that? Well, what I can't believe is that it happened in Connecticut.
That's what I can't believe.
And I mean, this kind of thing happens in states like New Jersey, or California, or Chicago.
But not in Connecticut.
Uh, listen everybody, why don't you help yourselves to some food? Benson's got a whole mess of food in the dining room.
It is not a mess.
Who could eat at a time like this? Who could possibly eat? I could.
I'm famished.
It's okay to eat, dear.
There's nothing wrong with eating.
Hmm.
Peter would want us to eat.
What are you talking about? Peter is dead.
What does he care whether we eat or not? What she means, Mr.
Campbell, is that life goes on.
Is that a fact? Life goes on, huh? What about Peter's life? That did not go on.
Burt.
Okay.
I'm sorry.
Forgive me.
I don't know what I'm saying.
It's the grief.
Thank you for coming, Father.
It was really very kind of you.
You're welcome, Mrs.
Campbell.
I've known you two families since childhood.
All right, so let's say it does happen in Connecticut, which is highly unusual.
But then, I mean, you'd think it would happen in Hartford, or New Haven, or Stamford, but not Dunn's River.
Boy, your family really knows how to throw a party.
Bob, this is a very sad time.
[SARCASTICALLY.]
Well, excuse me.
All right, so it happens in Connecticut, and, fantastically enough, it happens in Dunn's River, but to happen in your own family.
I mean, somebody else's family, maybe, but your own family.
We all have to go, Jessica.
Sooner or later, we all have to go.
Yeah, and some not soon enough.
Well, when I go, I want a big funeral, with hundreds of people crying, you know, [CHUCKLES.]
and television coverage, and flags at half-mast and the schools closed, and a riderless horse.
Of course, I don't know how you go about getting that.
I wanna be cremated.
You do? Yes.
They can't keep burying people.
Someday we're gonna run out of land.
Oh, that would be terrible.
Where would they put everyone? Jessica, must we talk about this? I know what they could do.
They could make cemeteries like post office boxes, you know, how they stack them one on top of the other.
Only they would have to make them bigger to get the The Jessica, couldn't we talk something cheerful? I'm sure that Burt would like to hear some cheerful talk.
No, I wouldn't.
Well, Chester, I mean, it's very important to discuss these things.
It would be very helpful for me to know what you would like after you're gone because, Chester, once you're gone, it's gonna be too late for you to tell me.
I'm not going, Jessica.
I don't mean right at this moment.
Heh.
Never.
What are you gonna do instead? I'll have them freeze me.
They'll just wrap him in tin foil and put him in with the lamb chops.
No, Benson.
They freeze people and when they discover the cure for what killed them, they thaw them out and then bring them back.
And you're gonna trust somebody to do that? They're paid to do it.
Oh, yeah? What if they don't do it? I mean, if I ever got the cure and saw you lying in the freezer, I'd say, "Eat your heart out.
" How long have you been a rabbi? Couple of days.
Congratulations.
Hey, I'm not really a rabbi.
You're not? No.
Tim, it's me, Danny.
Yeah.
See, I'm running from the mob.
They're trying to kill me.
Oh.
Of course.
[DOORBELL RINGS.]
I just wonder if there really is a life after death.
And if there is, do you think everyone's invited? Afternoon, Mrs.
Tate.
Oh, hello, Officer Tinkler.
I'm Chief of Police Tinkler.
May I come in? I'm afraid this is a very bad time.
There's been a death in the family.
Well, I I know, Mrs.
Tate.
That's precisely why I'm here.
Now, if you'll a-allow me.
Ladies and gentlemen, may I have your attention? I'm, uh, Chief of Police Tinkler.
I-I'm here because there's been a murder.
Another one? Wha? Uh No, no.
It's It's the same Same one.
Now I need to ask some questions and I need to get some answers.
Fact number one, there has been a murder.
No.
Yes, yes.
Peter Campbell was murdered.
[VOICE BREAKING.]
My son.
He was my son! The son of Burt Campbell.
Now the following questions need to have some answers.
How? When? Where? Why? And who? That's an H and four W's.
Number one, how? Well, according to the coroner's report, the victim was stabbed, shot, strangled, suffocated and bludgeoned.
That's four S's and a B.
And still he looked so peaceful.
All right.
What can we assume from the fact that he was stabbed, shot, strangled, suffocated and bludgeoned? That he didn't commit suicide.
Thank you.
Hmm.
Well, we can assume that, uh, Peter Campbell either had many killers, or he had one killer who really hated his guts.
And the next question is "when?" When was he stabbed, shot, strangled, suffocated and bludgeoned? Now, from the coroner's report, I've been able to pinpoint the time of death precisely, between midnight and 7 a.
m.
Where? In his bathroom.
And why? Why was he stabbed, shot, strangled, suffocated and bludgeoned? Hmm? Because somebody wanted him dead.
Right.
Now last but not least, the most important question of all.
Who Who did it? Right again.
Heh-heh.
He's a smart little fella.
All right, who was it that stabbed, shot, strangled, suffocated and, uh Stabbed, shot, strangled, suffocated and, uh S-stabbed, shot, strangled, suffocated Bludgeoned.
Yeah.
Bludgeoned.
Bludgeoned Peter Campbell right there in the privacy of his own bathroom? Hmm? Who? Would anyone here like to confess to the murder of Peter Campbell before I go on with the questionings, huh? Huh? No? No? Just as I thought.
Well, that's That's fine.
Heh.
I love a tough case.
But let me say this, just so you know who you're dealing with when you're dealing with "Piece of Cholief" Tinkler.
Uh, Chief of Police Tinkler.
Right.
I know.
I repeat, I know where the murderer of Peter Campbell is right now.
Then what's the matter with you, for God's sake? Go get him.
Just hold your water, Mr.
Campbell.
Hold your water.
Mr.
Tate, I'm gonna have to ask the youngster to vacate the room.
Why? Crime's an ugly business, son.
But that's not fair.
Why can't I stay? This is violence you're discussing, not sex.
Police orders, son.
Billy.
Uh, uh What are you standing around for, you jerk? Go get him.
He'll get away.
What do you mean? I was the one that told him to leave.
[SCOFFS.]
Not him.
The murderer.
The murderer's not gonna get away, Mr.
Campbell.
Oh, no.
You see, the murderer's right here.
Where? In this room.
JESSICA: Chester? [ALL TALKING OVER EACH OTHER.]
[.]
[.]
[ALL TALKING OVER EACH OTHER.]
Quiet everybody.
Quiet.
Quiet! Uh, you heard correct.
Oh, you can believe your ears.
Heh.
Right here in this room is the murderer of Peter Campbell.
I'll kill ya.
Whoever you are, I'm gonna kill ya.
Burt.
Please, would you all just, uh, sit down.
Uh, s-s-sit down.
Please? Mrs.
Tate, could I trouble you for a glass of milk? Oh, yes.
Benson, would you please get the sheriff a glass of milk? And some cookies? You have Oreos? Right.
I can't wait to find out who did it.
This is just like a movie of the week.
This is the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard.
Now, what person in this room could possibly have killed Peter Campbell? What person? That's right, you idiot.
What person? You, for one.
Huh.
And this is how we spend our tax dollars.
What would my motive be? Jealousy.
CHESTER: Jealousy? Yes, Mr.
Tate.
Ah.
Ha-ha-ha.
Of course.
I knew it.
I knew it was him.
I've always hated him.
Let me at him.
Ahem.
Now, where were you last night Mr.
Tate, between, uh, the hours of midnight and 7? He was at Peter's, killing him.
I was asleep.
Can anyone vouch for that? Of course.
Jessica? Well, I'd like to.
But can you? I was asleep in another room.
Can anyone else vouch for you, Mr.
Tate? Well, I'm sorry, Chester.
Mr.
Tate? Ah.
Benson knows that I was here.
[SOFTLY.]
Sorry.
Uh Well, M Mr.
Tate is Is one of the suspects.
[SIGHS.]
What would my reason be, you idiot? What possible motive could I have had for killing him, you bumbling twit? Because he was having an affair with your wife.
[CHESTER SCREAMS.]
Uh Mr.
Tate is one of the suspects.
The, uh, second suspect is Mrs.
Tate.
Me? TINKLER: Yes, you, Mrs.
Tate.
Because you were having an affair with Peter Campbell, and he left you.
Of course.
I knew it.
Your sweet sister, a murderess.
Uhn! Don't be silly.
I couldn't murder anybody.
I couldn't even spank the children when they were bad.
Uh, well, can anyone vouch for your whereabouts between midnight and 7 a.
m.
? I was asleep in the guest room.
Did anyone see you sleeping in the guest room? I don't know, I was asleep.
The second suspect is Mrs.
Tate.
Now, moving on to the, uh To the third suspect, Corinne.
Oh, come on.
How do you like that? Your niece killed my son.
Where were you last night between midnight and 7 a.
m.
? None of your business.
Hmm? Corinne, please answer his questions.
After all, he is the "piece of cholief.
" Where were you? I was at a motel.
Were you with anyone? No.
No.
But you went to the motel because earlier that evening when you came home, you found Peter Campbell in bed with another woman.
Ah.
Who is the fourth suspect.
No, it's impossible for a blind woman to shoot with that kind of accuracy.
All right, ahem, tallying up now, so far in this room there are three sus Three suspects.
And there are more.
Boy.
Oh, please.
He's a suspect.
Ha.
Why? Well, for two reasons.
Well, number one because he's black.
That's fair.
The other reason is because he's the butler, and we all know that in many, many cases like this, the butler did it.
What? Yeah.
Where do you think they got that expression? I mean, do you think they just dreamed it up? "The butler did it"? No, no.
No, you're suspect number four.
Benson.
Mm.
Yeah, thanks.
Now for you.
Me? Yes, you.
Where were you last night? In a hotel in Washington.
Was there anyone with you that could testify to that? Yeah, uh Um No.
Suspect number five.
I was registered.
I checked out this morning.
Well, that may be true.
But nevertheless, you could have caught one of those shuttle flights at midnight, killed Peter and flown back in plenty of time to check out.
[LAUGHS.]
And that takes us to The Major.
This is getting more and more ridiculous.
Well, we all know he has a gun.
Of course I carry a gun, corporal.
This is wartime.
Suspect number seven.
Carry on.
Ahem.
All right, summing up here, uh, all the Tates are suspect.
Oh, your family.
Now we come to the Campbells.
[LAUGHS.]
Uh, Danny's a suspect.
He's not even here.
Exactly.
He's disappeared.
You think innocent people disappear? Plus, we all know about his connections with the underworld.
You too, are a suspect.
Oh.
I can't wait to hear why.
Because you're a A homo.
That's almost as good as my reason.
Well, we all know that homos do strange things.
That they're homos to begin with makes them a little strange.
Oh Anyway, you got an alibi for last night? Yeah, he does.
He does.
And I can vouch for him.
He was out last night, with a girl.
Huh? [ALL CLAPPING.]
And he didn't come home.
He did not come home.
So not only did he not do it, what he did do disproves your whole gay idea.
So he's not guilty, not gay.
Fine.
You give me the name of the girl, I'll check it out.
I can't.
Jodie, come on.
What are you protecting? She's a nurse, for God sakes.
Everybody knows about nurses.
Burt, I didn't go out with her.
I stood her up.
Ninth suspect.
You didn't take her out? I mean, after After the The shaving lotion, the advice, the whole thing? Suspect number nine.
What is that? I don't understand you.
I gave you He He's the ninth suspect.
Suspect number nine.
Okay? Huh? Huh? All right, now for you guys.
Where were you last night between midnight and 7 a.
m? Huh? I was with Bob, here.
Yeah, he was.
I can vouch for him.
Ha-ha.
Right.
Uh, that leaves you off the hook.
Wait a minute, suspect number 10.
And 11? And 11.
All right, fella, what Oh.
You You're a priest.
Heh.
Well, that leaves you off the hook.
Hey, you.
Uh, Jewish guy.
Who are you? I'm, uh, Rabbi MacCabee.
Oh.
Well, what are you doing here? They're Episcopalian.
Well, I, uh I I was passing by on the street and, uh And I heard grief.
Jewish grief, Catholic grief, Protestant grief, it's all grief to me.
I I do some of my best work with grief.
All right, Rabbi.
I mean, you talk about grief, who knows more about grief? I can spot grief a mile away.
Okay.
Okay, okay.
S S Sit down.
Boy, can they talk.
Mrs.
Campbell, now there's no reason in the world to suspect you.
Hmm.
Therefore, I suspect you.
Suspect number 12.
All right, moving right along to Mr.
Campbell, the, hah The bereaved father, the least likely suspect of all.
Right.
Therefore, a suspect.
What? All right, I advise all of you No, I, uh I-I request all of you to remain in town.
You're all suspect.
You're all to remain here and available for questioning.
You got that? Because sooner or later, one of you, I'm afraid, is going to be arrested for the murder of Peter Campbell.
Have a nice day.
[.]
[.]
ANNOUNCER: Who killed Peter Campbell? Jessica? Chester? Corinne? Eunice? The Major? Benson? Burt? Mary? Jodie? Danny? Chuck? Bob? This question might be answered on next week's episode of Soap.
[.]