Son of a Critch (2022) s01e13 Episode Script

1
It seemed like only yesterday
I was dreading the
first day of grade seven.
Now, here I was, dreading
the last day of grade seven.
Nobody likes change.
Wow. Pop really got me.
A one dollar coin?
I mean, what's next? A
twenty-five cent bill?
We'll be the laughingstock
of the United Nations!
Oh no.
The more things change.
Oh, last day of school, Mark.
You won't have to deal
with that crowd all summer.
- Yeah. I guess.
- Good God, Mary.
This crowd is eatin' us
out o' house and home.
Legally you do have to feed me.
Well, eat while you can.
Because when word gets
out about this funny money,
we're headed for
another great depression.
Mark my words.
Hey.
Take it easy, will ya?
It's not bottomless!
I found some interesting
reading material in your room.
Did you?! Well, uh, it's, it's not mine,
I can assure you o' that. I just uh
Oh. Uh yeah, yeah.
The University of New Brunswick?
But it's so far away!
Maybe in September?
- Who needs university?
- Or not.
I dunno, just give it back.
I dropped out of school to
fish when I was Mark's age.
Yes. Because your father drowned.
At least it put hairs on my chest.
You could do with a
little toughening up,
- let me tell ya.
- Yeah, you're probably right.
I probably would've been better off
if my father had drowned, too.
You'd be the first person in the family
to get off the island.
Yeah, but you'll get murdered out there.
Yeah, and you'll never
get the body back.
Tanya Bursey died in
Florida visiting her sister.
They had to bury her in Buffalo.
Mickey Mouse ears and all.
I don't know.
Room and board on top of tuition?
I mean, where the hell's
the money coming from?
This is exactly why I
wanna get outta here!
And stop snooping through my room!
Can you, uh, drive me to the bank?
I wanna get some bills
before the rioting starts.
Overall, you did very
well on your math tests.
Especially you, Ritchie.
Hmm.
Mark, could be worse. Barely.
Report cards come out Friday,
followed by the school dance.
Remember to leave room for
the holy ghost while dancing.
The school dance!
I had finally gotten
up the nerve to ask Fox,
and the thought of it
made my heart beat faster
than any gym class.
Hey! Are you going to the dance?
I can't dance with girls.
Or even be in the same
room as girls dancin'.
Well, it might be fun.
Besides, you can go with me.
Uh, Fox?
Uh, are you thinking of maybe
- pondering the idea of
- Fox!
May I speak with you for a moment?
And today's VOCM question of the day:
"Do you believe predictions
of a possible collapse
of the cod fishery?"
Our lines are open. Your thoughts.
Line one, you're on the air.
Mike? Hello?
- Is that you?
- Turn down your radio, caller.
Oh, I can't hear you, Mike.
I'm getting feedback from me radio.
Our question of the day:
Do you believe predictions
of an imminent collapse
of the cod fishery? Your thoughts.
I wanted to report me lost cat.
- Turn it down.
- Go!
She's a white tabby, with a big puffy
Will you get outta here?
Go to commercial. This is important.
More important than the VOCM
question of the day, is it?
She answers to Puss,
but her name is Jacinta.
I put food out, but only got the hard
and she likes the wet
We seem to have lost you, caller.
We'll be right back with
your thoughts after this.
At Caul's funeral home,
your loved one is more
than just a dead body
This better be good!
Your career's gonna end in
that funeral home, buddy.
I just overheard the
bosses in the bathroom.
They never knew I was there.
I was in the stall.
Been having some trouble.
Doctor says I need to lay off the dairy,
- but you know how it is
- Will you get to the point?!
They said, and I quote,
"It's gonna be a whole new
station. All music. No talk."
No talk?! But I'm the "talk."
Uh, somebody would've said something!
No, they're not gonna tell you!
You're the first one
they're gonna get rid of.
Not me. I know how to spin records.
Just because I don't spin records
doesn't mean my work
here isn't valuable, Dick.
And we're back!
Line two, you're on the air!
Our VOCM question of the day:
"Will the cod fishery collapse?"
- Your thoughts?
- Mike!
I think I found that lady's cat.
I just said, "here, Puss, Puss"
And it came right up to me.
I need you to be my math tutor.
You want my help?
If I don't do the nun's
stupid make-up test,
then I can't go to the dance.
And if you tell anyone, I'm
gonna kick your ass so hard
you'll be tasting my
sneakers all summer.
- M'lady.
- What'd you call me?
Nothing! Can we chat later?
I could save you a seat on the bus.
We could have a drink and a chin wag
about the upcoming soirée?
Leave me alone!
Hey, did she say if she
was going to the dance?
I need to go to the toilet.
I wasn't great at math,
but I knew when something
wasn't adding up.
What're you listening to?
Okay, fine, I'll put headphones on.
What? No, no, no, no! I wanna hear that.
Is this this, uh, Duran
fellow with the Hungry Wolf?
- Here you go, Mike. Nice and clean.
- Thanks.
Well, you know where you're
not gonna get clean laundry
done for you, hmm? New Brunswick.
Do you mind? We're talking music.
Hey, can you guys get outta my room?
I just wanna be alone.
Come and have a gander
at your inheritance.
- Ten dollars?
- Ah, yes, now.
But when they take these
bills out of circulation,
this could double in value!
So twenty dollars.
Uh, can you lend me some change?
I need to go down to
the Duke of Duckworths.
- You got $10 dollars!
- I can't touch that!
- That's an investment!
- Oh, sweet Jesus,
will you stop fightin'!
Any wonder he wants to
move away, right, Mike?
Little bugger.
So if 3x + 1 = 16,
how do we solve for X?
That pencil was strawberry sniff!
Screw it. My brothers
all repeated grades.
Makes sense. I'm stupid too.
You're not failing
because you're stupid.
You're failing because
you're not trying!
Trust me, you'll get it.
Just don't give up, okay?
Betrayed by the only person I knew
who was more of a geek than I was.
She certainly had a type.
Well, isn't this romantic?
Ew! Gross!
It's not what you think. The truth
Is none of his business. Leave us alone!
Fine.
But you can forget about
going to the dance together,
'cause I'm not going anymore.
You never asked me to the dance.
He was talking to me.
Hey, Dick, have you got a minute?
Good God! You were right!
- Told ya. You're toast.
- I can't lose this job.
Young Mike's talking about university.
Don't forget you live
in a company house.
You get fired, you're homeless, too.
You wanna work? You're gonna
have to learn to spin records.
I was gonna DJ the school
dance. Why don't you do it?
Better to make your mistake
in front of nobody who matters.
- That's my son's dance.
- Yes,
but your son already knows you're a
Great guy.
Remember, no elevator music! Just hits!
Where did it go?
I left my money on
the dresser last night.
Good God.
I've lost one of my dollar bills.
- Have you seen it?
- No.
Well, it didn't just fly away.
If I was to look in
there, would I find it?
Of course not! Wait,
what? What're you doing?
- Hmm
- Pop!
- Well, it must be somewhere?
- I I
Oh, well, I don't see it.
What about your pocket?
- No! No!
- Let me look in your pocket!
- Get off me! Get
- Ow! Come here!
- I got it!
- What the hell is that?!
What is all this racket?
- Oh, it's just
- Oh!
This house is too small!
I need some privacy.
When Mike goes, I want his room!
Do you two know how lucky you are
- to have a roof over your head at all?
- Mike!
They're just skylarkin' is all.
- Enough!
- What's gotten into you?
Nothing is good enough for you crowd.
You wanna go live with Mike? Fine!
- You got it! Come on!
- What're you doing?
If Pop isn't mature
enough to have a roommate,
then you can go stay with
your brother. Come on!
Uh wait! What?
Mike? You up?
Mike? You up?
What do you want?
I think I like this girl
Who Ritchie likes,
and she likes Ritchie.
And it was just
Go to sleep!
The thing about change is,
you don't know what
you got till it's gone.
Marcus.
Grandfather.
Whoa!
Going a bit heavy on
that juice there, son.
Rough day ahead?
Bit of nerves about the dance.
Not that you care, I'm sure.
Mm.
Mmm
Ah
- There.
- Well,
I can't take one of
your special dollars.
I want you to have it.
- So I can save it?
- No!
I want you to live in the moment!
Buy your girl a soft drink at the dance.
- I can't dance.
- What?!
The Critch men were
always the best dancers.
Listen, you get onto
the dance floor, right?
Your shoulders back,
your spine over your ass,
and put your hands down by your sides,
and then you kick your feet out
like you're busting for a whiz.
I'se the b'y who builds the boat ♪
And i'se the b'y who sails her ♪
I'se the b'y who catches the fish ♪
- Head up! Head up!
- Home to Liza ♪
Pop was right. I had
to live in the moment.
The one good thing
about living with Mike
was I could raid his closet
for all the latest
clothes from Le Château.
If I was going to win Fox back,
I had to be the me I could be.
I had to be my brother.
Hey, Mark, come on! Let's hurry it up!
Mark, come on, man, I'm dying out here.
Mark! Did you fall in again?
Like a caterpillar
emerging from his cocoon,
the boy had become a man!
That's my shirt, you little dick!
- And you got blood on it?!
- Hey!
Good God! When they talk
about "hitting puberty"
they don't mean with a hammer.
I think you're the most
handsome man I've ever saw.
- Right, Mike?
- Ah yes!
You look very uh
Good God.
The boy is melting.
Uh, you look It'll be fine.
Welcome to the dance, children.
Have fun, but remember
this is still a school,
so be respectful.
Yes, Sister,
I know these children
are filled with urges.
I expect that you dance
like young ladies and gentlemen,
and not like two sticks
rubbing up against each other
in the hopes of starting a fire.
For if you do, the fire you start
will surely burn your soul
for eternity in hell.
Well, isn't that lovely?
Mister Critch.
Ah. Uh, thank you, Sister.
Uh, this tune is called,
uh, "Patio Lanterns"
by Kim Mitchell.
Apparently, he - or she -
is climbing the charts
with his - or her - uh, hit single.
Mike Critch, reporting.
Our house had the biggest patio ♪
Our house had all the summer shade ♪
We had patio lanterns ♪
- Hey!
- Hey.
You still haven't opened it?
You look for me. Please.
I thought you weren't coming.
Well, I wasn't going to,
but my friends were like,
"Mark, you gotta come. It
won't be fun without you."
Look, I'd love to stay and chat,
but I have to go cut a rug, as they say.
Who was gonna be ♪
Who would be the first to kiss ♪
Now, don't be disappointed. You got a D.
A "D"?
I got a D!
Those patio lanterns ♪
They were the stars in the sky ♪
Mark? Mark.
Those patio lanterns,
lighting up our lives ♪
I don't know what's
going on with your hair,
or your trousers.
But here's what I do know:
You can't go through life
pretending to be someone you're not,
just to impress a bunch of people.
Hang on a sec.
Okay, cats and kittens,
apparently "We're not
gonna take it anymore."
So let's fight the power,
with the Twisted Sister,
- oh my God
- Whom, I'm told,
are not nuns, but men.
Being on the outs with Fox and Ritchie
made me realize just
how alone I had been
before I'd met them.
We're not gonna take it ♪
Oh no, ♪
- We got somethin' to tell ya.
- I know!
Look, I hate fighting,
so if you guys are dating,
then I I guess I'm happy for you
and I just wanna be friends again, okay?
No, we've been studying, doofus!
Ritchie helped me pass algebra.
See? I got a D!
I gotta go rub this
in my brother's face.
He did grade seven like three times!
This is our song ♪
Sorry. I wanted to tell you,
but she would have murdered me.
She still likes you more.
That's why she asked for
your help, instead of mine.
She asked me because she
doesn't like me like that.
She actually cares
what you think of her.
Oh no, we ain't gonna take it ♪
We're not gonna take it anymore ♪
Thanks.
I had a request,
and luckily, I had an in with the DJ.
Attention, students.
I've been told to play only hit music.
Well, I may not be hip to today's jive,
but I do know good music when I hear it.
So, from the Good Morning
Vietnam soundtrack,
here's a hit that even I can dance to.
I see trees so green ♪
Red roses too ♪
Dick told me everything.
Uh, Mary, I'm sorry, but
we'll find another house.
And I know that Dick is an idiot,
so I called your boss
and he told me that they're
not changing the station.
They're adding an FM station.
You're not being replaced.
- I'm not?
- No, Mike.
You're irreplaceable.
And clouds so white ♪
The bright blessed day ♪
The dark sacred night ♪
And I think to myself ♪
- Hey.
- Hey.
Congratulations on the D. That's great.
- It's okay.
- It's more than okay.
I mean, if you weren't in
my class next year, I'd
The colours of the rainbow ♪
- So pretty ♪
- Congratulations.
Thanks.
Weirdo.
Are people going by ♪
Uh I was just wondering,
- maybe if you wanted to
- Here.
Saying how do you do ♪
I thought you liked it?
Trust me, you're gonna
need it this summer,
out there all alone in your weird house.
Thanks.
I watch them grow ♪
Then I'll ever know ♪
Check out my moves!
That's dead easy. Watch!
Ugh! Here. You try.
Okay.
- Okay, yeah.
- There's also another move
my pop taught me.
Arms down.
What a wonderful world ♪
- What's this called?
- I do not know,
but you sometimes put
your hands like that.
No slow dance. No kiss.
I may not have had a girlfriend,
but I did have great friends.
- Dad! Come on!
- I know, I know,
I'll just be a minute.
Look, uh, money's been tight lately
I know. School was a dumb idea.
No, no. Listen.
We were just talking and uh
I think we can make it work.
Really?
Yeah.
Oh!
Oh my
I'm gonna miss you somethin' shockin'.
Hmm.
Change can be a good thing.
It can make you appreciate
the little things
you took for granted.
Maybe my life hadn't changed much,
but I had.
I used to hate the school bus
because it took me away from home.
But now, it was my lifeline.
I faced a long summer alone,
and I couldn't help but worry
that my friends would
forget all about me.
'Cause I wonder where you are ♪
I wonder if you think about me ♪
Once upon a time ♪
In your wildest dreams ♪