Sonny with a Chance (2009) s01e13 Episode Script

Some dogs beg.
Some dogs bark This one saves the day with farts It's time for another adventure with Gassie, the Toot'n Pooch Uh-huh.
Uh-huh.
Okay, sir.
Bye now.
Oh, no! Well, the mayor, he's coming over for dinner and he wants to eat beef stroganoff! I don't know how to make beef Stroganoff! Well, don't look at me.
I can't even pronounce "Brif Stroganoff".
Well, what am I gonna do? Get one pound of top sirloin.
Six tablespoons of butter.
One third cup of chopped scallions.
But I can substitute onions.
One-half a pound of Criminy mushrooms.
Salt and pepper to taste.
Noodles? Well, what kind, Gassie? How wide is extra wide, Gassie.
Come on! Hurry up, the mayor is on his way.
Arlo, as mayor I hereby declare this to be the best beef stroganoff this side of the town I'm the mayor of.
Thanks, Gassie.
I couldn't have done it without you.
What's that, Gassie? I don't understand.
Well, if it wasn't you then who-- Granny! Not me! Oh, that was me.
Beef stroganoff makes me gassy.
Mayor! This has been another adventure of Gassie, the wonder dog.
Off to the races, I'm going places Might be a long shot, not gonna waste it This is the big break, and it's calling my name So far so great, get with it At least that's how I see it Having a dream is just the beginning So far so great, believe it Can't take away this feeling Taking a ride with chance on my side Yeah, I can't wait So far, so great So far, so great Sonny With a Chance S01E13 Battle of The Networks' Stars Guys, I have a confession to make.
I asked for a water cup, and I filled it up with soda.
And you're not Nico, Grady, or Tawni.
I was-- I was kidding about the soda.
Guys, the weirdest thing just happened to me and it's happening again.
Oh, no! It's that dream where I end up on TV wearing nothing but a hat.
Aw, hey what is up, Nico.
My man, my man.
You were great in that Gassie sketch.
Just Funny! I'm standing right next to you.
No, no you're not.
You're right over there sitting next to me, and there.
Dude! This means our time machine has worked! That wasn't a time machine.
It was a clock! And that ain't you, and that's not me, and those aren't Sonny's, and those aren't-- Then who the heck are you people?! Now that's definitely Tawni.
What is going on in here? Uh, Sonny.
Are we in your stupid hat dream? I have no idea what's going on! Okay, first up will be Group One for So Random.
Chad, what is all this? I should've known that you were behind it.
Why are you dressed like a paperboy? I'm casting a TV movie about my life.
Chad Dylan Cooper The Chad Dylan Cooper Story A Chad Dylan Cooper production.
I need look-a-likes to play the losers from So Random.
No offense.
Group One losers, You're up next.
Wait.
You're auditioning people to play us? When you got the actual losers right here.
Hey, we're not losers.
I am your father.
Give me that! That's my megaphone! Group One, let's go! No, no, no.
Group One, don't move! Can you believe this guy? We should be playing us.
Yeah, yeah.
Fine, fine, fine.
You're all hired.
Movie! Except for Sonny.
What? You have to audition.
And I have to condition.
I'm in a movie.
Toodles! She's right.
We're movie stars now! Yeah.
That's got to be worth something.
I shouldn't have to audition! Why do I have to audition? 'Cause apparently you're difficult to work with.
Look, I don't have to prove to anybody, least of all you that I'm the best Sonny Munroe to play Sonny Munroe.
Do you want the part or not? Okay, state your name and the part you're here to read for.
Sonny Munroe reading for the part of Sonny Munroe.
There's that attitude again.
-What?! -And Action! Hi, you must be Sonny, I'm Chad.
Oh, my gosh! You're Chad Dylan Cooper.
Possible the greatest actor of our generation, are you kidding me with this!? Sonny, I am giving you a chance here, okay.
Just read the lines.
Let's uh let's jump ahead to where Sonny enters and punches my co-star and action! I never punched your co-star.
Diva! Are you kidding me? I'm so not a diva! Really, Sonny? Really? You know what? This is rediculous.
I'm out of here.
-Fine! -Fine! -Good! -Good! And good luck trying to find a better me than me because nobody knows me the way that I know me.
Oh, my Gosh! Selena Gomez! Can I get your autograph? Here, sign this lousy script! Hey, Chad.
I got your text and yes I'll play the part of Sonny.
What? Personally, I think the character's kind of dull, but I'll liven her up.
And you are? The dull girl that you need to liven up.
Awkward! Can I help you? No, no, no.
Carry On.
Not a very good dancer.
What are you doing? And why are you saying things about me into a recorder? Well, if I'm going to play you, then I want to play you honestly and realistically.
Flat hair.
My hair is not flat.
Defensive about hair.
Uh, would you stop? Look, I'm sorry.
I know it's weird, but I really like to get into my characters.
Oh, I know how you feel.
One time, I played a dog in a sketch, I got so into my character, I-I dug a hole in the backyard, and then I ate my homework.
Oh, and then I bit the mailman.
Well, I guess if someone has to play me, I'm glad it's Selena Gomez.
Oh, thank you.
Mm-hmm.
If there's anything you want to know about me just ask.
I just want to know are you mad at me because I got the part and you didn't? Wow, what? Girl, no, no! Voice gets high when in denial.
What? I am not-- I am not in denial.
Okay, look.
You don't know Chad.
He's just so annoying and this is so typical of him.
He just wants to push my buttons.
Has buttons.
This is the funny part.
It turns out it wasn't actually a time machine.
It was just a clock.
Dude! I told you never to lead with the time machine! Oh, I'm sorry.
What was I thinking? Guys like us could never get girls like that.
See you ladies tonight.
Dang! Fake Nico and Fake Grady got game! What do they have that we don't have? I don't know.
Maybe if we hung out with them, we could figure out how to be better versions of ourselves.
Let's go over there and ask.
Aaahhh! We just got rejected by the fake Tawnis.
If we got rejected by ourselves, I don't I don't know what I'd do.
I'm very fragile right now.
Well, pull it together, man! Oh, this is unbelievable.
He looks just like you.
I mean I'm a little more fly, but hey.
-Hey.
-Hey.
Hola, mis guapo amigos.
Didn't see that coming.
So, uh, if we hang out with you guys, will you give some tips on how to talk to the ladies? Yeah.
Sure! Si! I speak Spanish.
All Right.
Cool! All right, we're about to do the scene where you barge into the set of "MacKenzie Falls" Now when this really happened, do you remember how you felt? probably mad because I'm always mad when I have to go see Chad.
Right! but really you're mad at yourself because of how much you like him.
Right.
What!? I don't like Chad! I mean I don't like Chad.
Sure you do.
It's right here in the script.
Wha--Give me that! All it says is "Fine! Fine! Good! Good! Fine! Fine! It's not what the lines say.
It's what's between the lines.
There is nothing between those lines.
Trust me.
Hear this, I am not in denial, okay? Which, I know, makes it sound like I am in denial, but I'm not.
So, uh We're good! Here you go.
Okay, people.
Here we go.
"Chad Dylan Cooper: The Chad Dylan Cooper Story "Sonny barges onto Mack Falls set".
Take One! Miss Gomez, on your mark, if you please.
Thank you! No extras on set.
Okay, people.
I want to see real energy and real emotion And action Look, Portlyn, summer's almost over.
And once fall goes back to the falls.
I need to be free.
Shh! Time for talking's over.
What's the matter with you? What's the matter with me? What the matter with-- Wait, those words didn't come out of your mouth.
You've got great legs, Portlyn.
Let's see how they move.
Uh! Hey, I never punched her! Shh! What do you think you're doing.
You can't just barge in here and interrupt Chad Dylan Cooper when he's in the middle of making "MacKenzie Falls" magic.
I think I've made my point! -Good! -Good! -Fine! -Fine! -Good! -Woah! Cut! Cut! Cut it out! I can't believe you kissed Chad! Where in the script does it say that "Sonny Kisses Chad"? It's not in the script.
I told you.
I want to play your character honestly.
Okay, and you honestly think that I would kiss him.
Yes, I do.
Uh, well, I would never kiss him.
In that scene.
No! Not anywhere! Not in that scene, not in a dream, not in a car, not near, not far, not here, not there, not anywhere.
I'm rhyming, aren't I? See, I do that when I don't want to kiss somebody.
Really, Sonny? Really? Now, you sound like Chad! Well, that line is in the script.
Page 18, 22, and twice on 39.
Well, he does say that a lot.
Well, maybe it's because he has the same issues you do.
Wha--Pff--Wha--What are you? Some kind of expert on how people feel about each other? With some sort of--some sort of relationship what's the word Wizard! Yes! You like to sprinkle your wizardy relationship dust all over people you think you know, but you don't.
No! You don't! So, you know what I say? I say good day, wizard.
I said good day! Thinks I'm actually a wizard.
Wow, what's up with her? Oh, I think she's upset because of how much you like her.
Oh, right, right.
What? What? No, I don't like I don't like Sonny.
Where'd you get that idea? You know Chad? You and Sonny might be good at playing characters, but you're terrible at playing yourselves.
Hey, you know for your information.
A hundred seventy-two people auditioned for the part of Chad Dylan Cooper, but I hired me, baby.
We Rock.
El Maximo! Hey, we learned how to pick up girls and rock out all in the same short period of time.
Hey, we're going to go try our luck with some Fake Tawni's in the cafeteria.
You guys want to come? Estoy muy cansado.
Later, man.
I love those guys.
Oh, good.
You guys are here.
You can run these lines with me.
Glado.
Wait, what is up with him? How should I know? You need information, you call 411.
You need a man, I'm right here.
Are you hitting on me? Well, yes I am.
Let me tell you something about myself.
My favorite color is blonde.
She digs me.
Eh.
I'm in the mood for a burger.
Hey! Where'd we go? Oh, I forgot something.
Oh, you're gonna need some ice for that.
What did I do? Abracadabra! Oh, what is this, now? Well.
How do you like me playing you.
Look at me I'm Selena Gomes.
I'm the relationship wizard.
I know everything.
Edgebono Utusis! Oh, Check it out.
I'm Sonny from Wisconsin.
I'm just an exploding ball of sunshine.
Check It Out! Check It Out! Check It Out! Look at me! I'm Selena.
I went to acting school so I could learn how to do this: Cashmerus Appearus! Yeah, it's an invisible wand! Well, look at me! I'm Sonny.
I'm ticking off the person who's playing me in a movie, and maybe I shouldn't because she can make me look really bad.
Well, look at me.
I'm Selena and I would never do that to Sonny, girl.
Hey, Selena.
Hey Scary Potter.
Oh, don't mind me ladies, okay? I'm just here to get a fresh beret and a recharged megaphone.
Meet you on the set.
I don't know what you see in that guy.
What? Are you kidding me? I don't see anything in that guy.
And I wish you would stop insisting that I do.
Well, if you thinking I'm playing it wrong, then maybe you should just show me.
Fine! I will.
Fine! You're hired.
-Fine! -Good! -Good! -Fine! Fine! Great! Now we're doing it.
So I says to him, "That's not a cue ball, that's a gobonzo bean.
" Oh, cake.
I love cake.
My mother, she used to run a bakery.
-Hey! -Hey! We have a bone to pick with you.
Dude! Apologize to Tawni right now! I'm sorry I'm sorry you don't think you're woman enough to handle all this.
Stop hitting on our Tanwni! She is way out of our league.
Yeah, That nonsense might work on the fake Tawnis, but not on the real deal.
Thank You, Nico! You are the real Nico, right? Uh How does that prove I'm the real Nico.
You guys need to leave.
Yeah? I'd like to see you make us.
Hey, powerfist! You stink! I've always wanted to see you two get pummled by a gladiator.
I mean, I'm glad it's them and not you.
I'll never understand how jerks like them can get girls like fake Tawnis.
but Jerks like us don't.
Oh, I bet you are looking for the ot-- Aah! They think we are the other ones.
Hola! Wow, Sonny.
Funny, funny, little Sonny.
Who knew when you left your little comedy show, you'd be falling hard for the King Of Drama.
Aw, Chad.
Dreamy, dreamy, Chad.
Of all the eyes in Hollywood, I had to stare into yours.
Cut! That's not how it happened! What are you doing here? Get off my set.
We're trying to make a movie here.
Oh, it's okay.
I hired her.
You for what? Oh, I'm her Sonny consultant.
Now, Selena, I think you're playing it wrong.
Just remember when he's staring into your eyes, he's really looking at his reflection in your eyes.
Oh, and you hate him.
Okay.
Action! What? Hey.
I say Action! Well, I say it better.
Now, Action! -Action! -Action! Oh, would you just do the stupid scene? Oh, Sonny.
Try to stop yourself from falling in love with me.
I beg you.
I'm just a small town girl with a big town dream and meeting you is the biggest dream of all.
Okay, cut, cut, cut, cut, cut! Again, really? It's OK, Chad.
She's helping me out.
Okay, Selena.
Remeber Your biggest dream is to be on So Random.
Chad is just the monster that wakes you up.
Oh and remember that you hate him.
You just really, really hate him.
Action! Sonny-- Oh, and one more thing.
He's the worst actor of our generation.
Burt! Cut! Cut! Stop the lying! You stop the lying! You stop the lying! Stop! Stop being Stop.
Just stop it! Gosh, I was wrong.
You two should never be together.
Finally.
I've been trying to tell her that all day.
You've been trying to tell her that? I've been trying to tell her that too! Well, I told her first.
She thinks she some sort of relationship wizard.
Yeah.
Look at her with her little wizardy magic beans, okay.
Who does she think she is to tell us that we can't like each other If I want to like you, I will.
Yeah.
And if I want to like you, I will.
Yeah.
If I want to think you have pretty hair, I will.
If I want to think that you have sparkly eyes, then I will Yeah, so take that, Selena! In your face, Gomez! Mmm.
Wow.
Yes.
You guys got me, there's nothing going on here at all.
You two are perfect for each other.
I'm out of here! Wait! Wait! So, you're leaving my movie? Ha, I don't need this.
I was in Camp Hip-Hop! Okay.
Bye, Selena.
It was nice working with you! Aw, she seems nice.
I should call her.
Why? Are you going to become BFF's with Selena Gomez? It could happen.
So you really think I have pretty hair? Mmm You really think I have sparky eyes? Mmm Well, one of them is.
So you want to be in my movie.
I kind of need a Sonny.
-Fine.
-Fine.
-Good.
-Good.
Fine.
Fine.
I'll set you up an audition.
Nine o'clock? Really, Chad? Really? FIne.
You got the part.
Hey, my movie's on, my movie's on.
Aren't you going to watch it? Shh, there's something better on.
We now return to Camp Hip-Hop starring Selena Gomez.
Hey, Mom.
How do you know I can't dance? You gotta see my moves.
You've got to send me to Camp Hip-Hop.
It's my dream.
Oh, this is better than my movie.