Sons of Tucson s01e13 Episode Script

(Ron) Thank you, Tucson! Where the hell is Ron? What kind of idiot volunteers to host the block party meeting then he doesn't even show up.
The same kind of idiot who packs a tennis ball and a box of crayons for my lunch last week.
It's Gina.
Ever since they've gotten back together Ron's been completely useless.
I know this isn't kind, mostly useless.
What do you think you're going nerd? You owe me a rematch on that bike race last week.
I totally wasn't ready when I said "go.
" You know I'm 13, right? And I'm 24.
They're just numbers, man.
Leave that boy alone, Barry, or I'm not driving you to the skate park tomorrow.
Keep bossing me around, mom, and one of these days I'm gonna move out.
Then who's gonna shave your corns? Hmm? I skipped my competitive yoga class for this? I'm sure you would have had the downwardest dog in the whole class, sweetie.
Quit kissing my ass, Glenn.
I can do that myself now.
It's ridiculous.
The stupid thing's in two weeks, and we've done nothing.
Everyone thought it would be so funny to vote me out as block party coordinator and elect a joke candidate like Ron.
You hear anyone laughing now? (Woman laughing) Ron, watch my head! You're the one who wanted to be eight feet tall.
Okay.
Oh, you're a giant.
You have to admit, people did treat me differently.
That's true.
That's true.
(Ron) Oh, no.
Is this a surprise party or an intervention? 'Cause I am not nearly drunk enough for either one.
You selfish, inconsiderate jerk.
Oh, boy.
You think I don't have anything better to do than sit around waiting for you to drag your sorry ass home? Your turn.
Nah, you took mine.
(Chuckles) I don't think you two have met.
This is my girlfriend, Gina.
Gina, this is Kali, the Hindu goddess of death.
Angela.
(Gina) Sorry.
This guy at the Margarita Barn-- he bet that Ron couldn't chug the bar gutter.
I did it.
I did it.
I love your hair.
It's just pretty.
Um, okay, I'll see you later.
Bye, baby.
(Kissing) Mmm.
Mmm! Stop it.
Oh, for God's sake, Ron, you know, there's other people here.
Sorry, Angela, I'm taken.
And shame on you.
Glenn's my best friend.
All right.
Hey, everybody.
Let's get this thing started.
Gather around.
Come on, gather around.
Wha-- uh, wait.
What are we doing? Block party planning committee.
What, that thing I volunteered for just to piss Angela off? That's great.
And she's pissed.
Mission accomplished.
Yeah, I wouldn't push it too far, buddy.
She's got her throwing shoes on.
Okay.
All right.
I'm just gonna-- just gonna spitball a couple ideas for you here right off the top of my dome.
How about this year, instead of a bouncy castle, we have a bouncy street? What?! I know! Look into it, Trevor.
Also, why don't we kick it off right, with a flyover by the Blue Angels? (Man) Yeah! Yeah, I know they're expensive, but they do set a tone.
You have to agree.
Also, I know for a fact that you can get a discount from them if you know someone with a terminal disease.
So, anyone? Come on, don't hold out.
Mavis, how about you? You're not looking so good these days.
Ticktock.
No.
Okay, good.
We will figure it out.
That's my point.
Ron, you promised to teach me arm farts tonight.
I'm shooting blanks here.
No, not tonight, buddy.
Gina's picking up a video.
I don't care which one, baby, you decide.
PS, I love you, too.
Oh, the movie.
No, yeah, that works.
That's good.
Okay.
All right.
Bye, sugar.
She's coming back? Yeah! Poor thing can't get enough snuffkin.
It's a curse.
What can I say? You guys don't mind, do you? (Gary) Yeah, we do! She's taking up too much of your time.
Which is time we pay for.
Your tongue's been spending more time in her mouth than yours.
(Chuckles) Can she do arm farts? You guys, I'm totally t-ing c of b.
You guys are right, though.
You're right.
You deserve my undivided (Phone rings) Oh, cute.
She's texting me the tongue out wink.
Oh, I can't-- I can't ignore this.
I gotta (sighs) Hey.
Hey.
Mmm, you smell good.
I think that's the carpet cleaner.
Mmm, cedar stain guard.
That's good, too.
Um, your fake kids are staring at us.
Ron, can we talk to you in the kitchen, please? Busted.
Um, I'm gonna take a shower.
Do you think while they're yelling at you, you could make me some breakfast? Okay.
We have a problem.
(Sighs) All right, hurry up.
I want to go wash Gina's back.
She's got (Sighs) The best back.
So smooth, no zits.
Okay, what's the problem? That! You can't be having girls sleeping over and washing their backs and other stuff.
Why can't she wash her own back? What a baby! I don't know how to break this to you.
I'm a man.
Men have needs.
No, stop! Just stop it right there.
No one wants to hear about your creepy needs.
I'm with Gary on this one.
All right, look, I'm sorry, but I live here.
Unfortunately, I don't have a lot of privacy.
Okay? So, you tell me, what should I to do? It's a two bedroom.
There's nothing we can do about that.
We would have made "no women sleeping over" a rule from the start, but we honestly never thought it would be an issue.
Oh, hi-larious.
Listen, I'm not crazy about it myself, okay? But Gina's staying with her mother right now.
It's even weirder over there.
I mean, that woman is more religious than God.
She says Grace before she brushes her teeth.
(Gina) Ron, you have to come up here and see this! Excuse me, boys.
Holy crap! Hey, how'd you get the locked storage closet open? (Gary) Oh, God.
Who left it unlocked?! (Ron) What the hell? Sorry, my shoulder was sore from arm fart practice.
I had to take a steam.
(Ron) No, unbelievable.
No! No! (Gina) Why don't I just call you later? Okay? Fine! Why?! Unbelievable.
No.
What the? (Clicks) (clinking) I have been sleeping like a hobo on the couch downstairs, and this room has been here empty the whole time?! I'm sorry, Ron, but you can't have this room.
We're saving it for our real dad, for when he gets out of prison.
So, you're keeping this room in mint condition for a man who would be happy as long as his toilet wasn't also his sink! He's not gonna be in there forever.
Yeah, we're busting him out as soon as we train a monkey to handle dynamite.
(Groans) I can't believe you guys have kept this a secret from me the whole time.
You know what, Ron? What are you complaining about? Your last apartment got towed away while you were still sleeping in it.
You're welcome to go back to living there, if you want.
Oh, do not tempt me! I don't need this job! (Gary) Oh, really? Go ahead! You're replaceable.
You've been completely unreliable lately, anyway.
We'd be better off without you.
Oh, yeah? Yeah.
Is that what you think? Yeah! Good.
'Cause guess what? I quit! (Whoosh) (Groans) Are you kidding me? A Roomba?! (Roomba whirring) Go ahead! We don't need you! Fine! I don't need you either! I'll send Glenn by for my pizza stone and my ham radio! Is this the Gunderson house? Who wants to know? Your father.
We're out of money?! Oh, no, no, no.
Don't misunderstand.
You have plenty of money.
You just can't use it.
I thought dad's lawyer was an old guy.
Mr.
Donaldson.
Yes, I'm his lawyer.
See, Mr.
Donaldson was a senior partner in our firm, and worked very closely with your father.
They shared a lot.
Now they're gonna share a room at the Gray Bar Hotel.
(Chuckles) Sorry, that was unprofessional.
Well, when can we get more money? Because we're down to our last 50 bucks.
Getting Robby out of the chimney last week wasn't cheap.
Or fun.
Well, I don't think it'll be too long.
We just have to wait for the heat to die down and for them to sort out the co-conspirators.
Shouldn't be longer than six months.
(All) Six months?! Or maybe longer.
On another note, could you point me towards your backdoor, please? Thank you.
Oh, I can live like this forever, Glenn.
It's a-- it's a simpler existence, you know? Closer to nature.
(Crickets chirping) Those crickets are really loud.
Could you turn 'em down for me a little? Oh, sure.
All right, dude.
Just a tad.
(Chirping quiets) Super.
Okay so, you seen the boys? Not that I care.
I don't care.
Ah, matter of fact, you should go over to the house tomorrow and tell them that.
(Beep) Better yet, do it tonight.
I don't care.
Look, if that's what you want.
Hey, hey, hey, that's your thing, man.
Don't drag me into it, okay? These-these kids They just They never, ever appreciated anything I did for them.
They do you know how many packages I signed for? How many things I grabbed that were too high up for them to reach? Dozens.
I'm done with them being abusive and taking me for granted.
And I'll tell you another thing.
I am sick and tired of pretending to be someone I'm not! (Clattering) Oh, no.
Okay, we're camping dummies.
38, 39, 40.
Chew slowly and make every bite count.
This sucks.
I say we eat everything right now.
So, no one remembers what the lawyer who crawled out of our window yesterday told us? We're on a tight budget.
We have to watch every cent.
We just have to make it through the next six months.
Well, I guess I could start hocking a couple of things.
That's the spirit.
Well, I have to get back to my new job.
(With Indian accent): Yes, this is Samir.
Thank you for holding.
Your software won't boot? Goodness gracious, uh, may I suggest that we roll back some of your drivers, my friend? I am in Mumbai, just like you.
That is, too, the way you pronounce it.
(Ron) Hey.
So what do you think? Want to maybe, uh, swing by my place tonight little later on? I rehydrate a mean dehydrated Turkey tetrazzini.
Haven't you heard? You do know how to woo a girl.
Got you, didn't I? (Laughs) So, how are the kids? Are they okay? Oh, who cares? No.
You know, as far as I'm concerned, those boys don't exist, you know? I mean, yeah, yeah, I check up on them in the mornings only.
And at night and midday on the weekends.
But you know, it's just to make sure they're still suffering.
And they are, believe me.
So you're only spending a little bit more time there than you did when you lived there.
Hey, spying from the bushes doesn't count.
Okay, ask anybody.
Well, we could stay at my mom's Ugh! But historically, it's been hard for you to stay in the game over there.
What? I You know what? You know, you try keeping the boat afloat with the little Jesus pictures staring at you with the accusing eyes, all right? What, like he was so perfect? What do we say to him? Nothing.
We're just here to grab a few rolls of toilet paper out of the bathroom.
We should at least tell him what happened.
He might come through for us.
(Gary) There he is.
Look, this is ridiculous.
Yeah.
We need our own space.
We need a place where there are no kids, where Jesus can't find us.
Oh, God, wouldn't that be great? Well, if you took that assistant manager position that you said that they offered you, and with my salary, we can totally afford Oh, my God, freeze-dried chili con carne.
I didn't even know we had this.
Ron.
I just Gina, come on, don't Don't ask me to take that job, okay? You know me.
Working full-time would crush my soul.
Forget it.
Let's just go home.
That guy's never coming through for anyone.
(Gary) Okay, here we go.
Bill.
Bill.
Oh, hey, another bill.
Bill.
Oh.
My paycheck! They're paying me in rupees?! (Sighs) In two weeks, I'll clear ten bucks.
I didn't get much more for the flat screen.
I'll tell you one thing.
Nick the pawnbroker Not as generous as he seems on TV.
Oh, and get this.
His name isn't even Nick.
We are so screwed.
It's Warren.
Maybe you got problems, but I got options.
I've got these baby blues, and I'm toilet trained.
I'm at peak adoptability.
I've hocked everything in this house.
I guess we could tear into the walls and start stripping the copper.
Let's face reality, guys.
We need help.
I guess we don't have much of a choice.
We may have to do some begging, but it's him or nothing.
(Doorbell ringing) (Sighs) Oh.
Hey.
Hey.
You look good.
Thanks.
I've been taking care of myself.
You look good yourself.
Thanks.
So, I was just in the neighborhood.
I thought maybe I'd swing by and grab that comb I left here.
Oh.
There it is.
I see you have company.
Oh, no.
That's Barry.
He lives here now.
We rented out your space downstairs to him.
Don't worry.
He knows you're in recovery.
I'm (Barry) Hey.
If you meet a guy named Howie at rehab, tell him that Barry wants his playboys back, okay? I'm not telling Howie anything.
(Brandon) Oh, my God.
I'm so hungry, I just ate a toothpick, and I don't even care.
What are you doing here? I have just as much right to be here as you do, Gary, all right? Gina sends her warmest regards and a tuna noodle casserole.
Well, our soufflé is still in the oven.
Brandon was just about to go get it.
Oh.
Just put that there.
What are you talking about? All we have is bologna and half a stick of butter.
Okay, go get a dirty casserole dish and put our name on it.
We'll put it in the center of the table, and it'll look like everybody loved ours.
Go.
All right.
(Angela) All right, Ron.
If you're here to swoop in at the last minute and take all the credit from me, it's not gonna happen.
Everyone knows once you bailed, I made every decision for this block party-- from the "summer in Provence" color palette to the theme "The kid in all of us.
" Yeah! (Shrieks) Whoa.
Whoa.
(Glenn whoops and laughs) (Glenn) What up? Hmm.
Yeah, it's not bad.
What? You win.
I don't understand.
What-what's going on, Ron? Nothing.
I just, uh I know how important it is to you.
Okay, stop saying nice things to me.
Okay.
And don't you dare walk away without a snide remark! This your rig? Sure is.
Got any kids? What? What? Hey.
You can't eat our food! We made that a house rule.
No one tells me what to do, dork, except my mom, and I don't live with her anymore, so she really can't, except when I'm there, which is a lot.
But not now.
Great.
Now all we have left is butter.
Hmm.
Wrong again.
I used that up, too.
My hands were chapped.
What the hell is wrong with your glasses? Clean that up, dork! (Angela) What the hell?! Where is Barry? It is his shift to sit in the dunk tank.
Uh-oh.
Hey, Gar, looks like that new roommate's not so reliable, huh? Shut up, Ron! You know what? I'll do it.
I'll do it.
We don't want to let the block down, do we? Do we, Gar? No, no, no, we can't do that.
There we go.
I'm gonna do it.
(Laughs) You're funny, daddy.
Ooh, whoops, that was a weird slip.
Knock it off, Robby.
It's not gonna work.
Who's that? No idea.
(Ron) All right, come on, Gar.
Let's see you take me down.
Let's go, tough guy.
Why? You're the same loser, dry or wet.
That sounded like a little baby with a chicken arm to me.
Come on, let's see what you can do with that chicken wing.
Fine.
You want it? Yeah, if you think you can bring it.
One dollar's worth, please.
No, Gary.
That's our last dollar.
It's totally worth it.
You ready to go down, Ron?! Uh, yeah, I'm ready to stay dry, if that's what you mean.
In fact, someone hand me a hair dryer and plug it in, because no way am I Getting wet.
Okay.
All right.
Lucky shot.
A broken clock is right Twice a day.
I don't get it, Gary.
Why are you so Angry? I'm the one who got the short end of the Stick.
Wait.
Gary.
Where have you been? Barry ate the last of our bologna.
No! No! So, what? You guys don't even like bologna that much.
We don't have any more money! Shut up, Robby.
(Ron) What? Is that true? Yeah.
We're totally broke.
Oh, so, big deal.
I'll take the assistant manager's job.
We'll all Be fine.
Really? You'd do that for us? Wouldn't you hate that? Yeah, probably, but you know, what am I gonna do, let you guys starve? Wow.
So, you'd do that for us, but not for Gina? Huh.
Yeah, I guess so.
Never thought of that before.
You think she'd have a problem with that? I have to say, I never expected this from you, Ron.
Well, to tell you the truth, I'm a little surprised myself.
(Angela) Ron? Your shift isn't over.
Oh, yeah.
Sorry.
Had to towel off for the main event.
What main event? I didn't authorize a main event.
(Engines whooshing) (Applause and cheering) Yeah! Did you really think I was gonna let you win? (Laughs) I know a guy.
Hey, what are you doing? You can't work on your bike in here.
Oh, I can't? What are you going to do? Give me a noogie? (Grunting) Huh? Huh? Or maybe a purple nurple? No! How about an atomic wedgie? What?! (Fabric tears) (Barry yelling) Oh, let's go Trust me, you're gonna love this, Barry.
I promise.
Hey, hey, come on.
Put me down! Trick is to breathe, okay? I mean it.
Don't make me kick your butt.
Get me down! Thanks, Randy.
You're a dead man! Mommy? (Yelling) (Ron) Oh, my God! Wow! I don't know why I expected the elastic to last longer.
Oh, man, I never thought I would be this excited to see a couch in my life.
Oh, about that We want you to have dad's room.
(Gary) Yeah.
I mean, we figured if you're getting your soul crushed every day, you should have a nice place to sleep.
You guys I know I know I know what this means to you, okay, and I do not take it lightly.
I promise you I'll leave it in the exact same condition I found it.
We know you will.
Ah! (rueful chuckle) (Yawns) Can you teach me how to do arm farts? Yeah.
Yeah, I can I can teach you how to do arm farts.
Here.
Here's the key.
You need a little moisture.
Lick the palm of your hand.
Get a better air pocket.
Now, take that hand, stick it up in that armpit.
(Brandon) Boys' sports are a little different than girls' sports, but you'll get used to it.
Yeah, I know math isn't your strong suit, but 12 to ten means I'm winning.
It's Gunderson to Gunderson.
Back to Gunderson.
And he scores! Oh, but I get the assist.
(Loud flatulence) (Robby) Hey, I did it! (Ron) No.
That was me.
Sorry.