St. Denis Medical (2024) s01e13 Episode Script

1
Testing. Testing.
Tim. Tam. Tommy told tales at twilight.
It's an exciting day at St. Denis.
The internet sensation Colby Twill
is going to be performing a free show
for our pediatrics unit.
You can't buy PR like this.
Twilight. Twilight.
Can you hear me all the way back there?
- Yep.
- Twilight.
[UPBEAT MUSIC]
♪
OK, I need everybody
on their A-game today.
We've got a reporter
driving in from Portland.
This is not going to be a
typical Friday at the hospital.
Today, our actions matter.
Take a look at this.
The last time we were
featured in "The Oregonian,"
it was all the way down on page 19.
Today, we have the opportunity to land
right smack on the front page.
This could read, "St. Denis
wows kids with free concert."
Wait, they passed the salmon ban?
You got to be kidding me.
My roommate works at a cannery.
- He's pissed.
- Yes.
Huge overreach, in my opinion.
- That's insane.
- Enough. Enough!
Ron, have you prepped
the green room for Colby?
Oh, yeah.
Room-temp bottled water and
two kinds of Nutri-Grain bars.
OK, that's not what I asked you to do.
I wanted a charcuterie board
with a flight of local jams.
I'm not going to worship
some famous internet guy
just to impress the last
six people who read the paper.
Are you guys trying
to sabotage this opportunity?
Come on.
Are we afraid of a little success?
Joyce, we're going to make
sure everything goes great.
Thank you.
It's just crazy that some
bean counter from Salem
gets to decide how we catch our fish.
Last thing I'll say. Am I wrong?
- Right?
- No, you're not.
Colby Twill. I'm so excited!
- OK.
- Yeah. It's my day off.
And technically, the concert
is supposed to be for patients,
but Ella did this project at school
recently where she had to
interview one of her parents
for their job.
And she chose Tim, who sells grass seed.
I mean, I get it.
You know, they're able to spend
more time together than we
are because I'm always here.
But today, she's at Mom's job.
So, you know, I'm really
hoping that hanging out with me
is more fun than, uh, grass.
Ooh, look at the stage.
- [GASPS] Ella.
- Serena.
- [LAUGHTER]
- Matt.
Hi, I'm Matt.
So when are we going
to hit up the clurb,
dance with some randos, eh?
We're already going to
our favorite clurb after,
Cold Stone Creamery.
- Mom, they're filming you.
- I know.
Are you excited for Colby Twill?
Yeah. He's so funny.
It's kind of random he's coming here.
It's not that random.
And of course she's excited.
She's getting to skip
school for a concert.
My mom let me skip school for 13 years,
but then the state got involved.
OK, we're going to go get settled, so
- [LAUGHS]
- Great. have fun.
Bye.
Colby Twill, baby.
Yeah, my niece got me into him.
She's got a bunch of emotional problems,
so she's really into the internet.
And now I'm actually meeting
him, and she's so pissed.
Should I have invited her?
Eh, she's a lot
Anyway, I've always said that
surgeons are the celebrities
of the hospital, so I have a
feeling that Colby and I are
going to get along famously.
Pun very much intended.
All right, jam time.
Get out of here.
It's an ad right now, but
So I just need you to put on a smile
and play nice with
Colby when he gets here.
I will treat him just like any person
I meet at the hospital, with
dignity, empathy, and respect.
Shut up. Move. Here he is.
Hi, Mr. Twill.
Colby, hi. Hi.
Dr. Joyce Henderson.
I'm the one who spoke
with your management.
Yeah. It's nice to meet you.
- That's a sick blazer.
- Thank you.
Isn't it?
It is it is very sick.
[LAUGHS] Oh, this is Dr. Ron Leonard.
Hey, nice to meet you.
Thanks for having me.
Yeah.
Well, it's nice to meet you.
He actually seems pretty nice.
Good manners.
He does have a moderate-sized
lump on his neck,
which could be an early sign
of thyroid cancer,
so a lot of surprises.
OK, everybody smile.
There it is. All right, guys, thanks.
Enjoy the show. Cool guitar.
Hey, Twill. Schweitz.
Sounds like a pretty good duet.
What?
Oh, it's when two
people sing the same song.
Hey.
Dr. Bruce Schweitz, trauma surgeon.
- Huge Twillionaire.
- Oh, appreciate it.
Bless, man. Listen, I got to
You know it's funny
you can keep taking some candids.
Yeah, I think we're
pretty similar, you and I.
You heal people through music,
and I heal them through
well, healing them, you know?
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Give us some space here.
Can't we just wait until
after the concert to tell him?
I mean, is it really
a right now problem?
Well, we're in the hospital right now,
and he has a potentially
cancerous neck lump right now.
So as times go, right
now's looking pretty good.
What if we just wait a couple of hours?
You want to wait a couple of hours
to tell someone they might have cancer?
Isn't that a bad look?
Who cares how it looks?
How is anyone even
going to know that we
we have to do this right now, Ron.
Ron, we've got to do what's right.
And that is that.
End of discussion.
Wait, so you're saying
I might have throat cancer?
No, not throat. Thyroid.
Yes, very close to the throat
but not the throat.
Oh, my God.
- I've got to make some calls.
- OK.
You know, it's probably nothing.
But the good news is, here at St. Denis,
we have the best doctors in
Eastern North Central Oregon.
And as soon as the concert's over,
we'll give you a full workup.
Hey, Joyce, there's
- Not now, Serena.
- OK, but we
Serena.
No, I can't do this.
I don't think I could perform right now.
I'm just going to be thinking
about my rotting neck and
OK, you know what?
It's not a question of rot, if it helps.
It's more your neck is growing too fast.
You actually are having too much neck.
The more important point
is we can take a look at you
straightaway. The concert can wait.
Mm-hmm. Sure.
Yes, your health is more important.
- Thank you, Ron.
- Want to come with me?
- Yeah, thanks.
- Of course. Of course.
- [SIGHS]
- Hey, so this is
What?
What is so goddamn important?
This is the reporter
from "The Oregonian."
- Hi, I'm Andrew.
- Yeah, you are.
Pleased to meet you. Welcome in.
Let's get you a cake pop.
Listen up. Listen up.
We need to kill some time
onstage before Colby.
I've got a reporter out there
staring at an empty stage.
I need to give him something.
My cousin plays a fiddle
and sings pretty good,
but he does live in Saskatchewan.
Then why are you talking?
Does it have to be a singer?
Hector does an amazing
Bill Clinton impression.
Terrible idea. Really bad.
I could dislocate my shoulder and pop
it back into its socket.
OK, someone else talked besides Keith.
Matt, what's up with you?
I can't be seeing
the whole picture, can I?
I used to do some magic in my basement,
but my parents don't allow illusions,
so I've never performed above a whisper.
Great, there's cards
in the break room. Go.
You know, I don't
usually broadcast this,
but I do a little stand-up.
I have what we comedians
call a tight five.
Make it a loose ten. Let's go.
I feel your pain.
That's how he does it. It's so funny.
Right?
[LAUGHTER]
Isn't this is so cool?
You're here at the Colby concert,
and your friends at school are all like,
aw, the cosine of the angle
is equal to the hypotenuse.
[FEEDBACK SQUEALS] Oh, here we go.
All right, St. Denis,
who's ready for Colby Twill?
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
Well, great, because he's
going to be here later.
ALL: Aw.
Oh, come on.
You didn't think we were
going to bring Colby out cold,
did you?
This is more of a Coachella-type vibe,
featuring the homegrown
talents of St. Denis.
And now, a guy who really puts
the funny in funny chaplain,
Chaplain Steve.
- Thank you.
- Yes.
What is up, St. Denis?
Ever notice how you can't
say anything anymore?
Look at this guy. He's already offended.
Anyway, here's a list of accents
and what I think they
mean about each country.
Nope. Thank you, Chaplain Steve.
What a thrill. [APPLAUSE]
OK, I'm going to go get our next act,
so talk amongst yourselves.
So what's what's going
on with your girls, huh?
Haven't seen Maddie
around the house lately.
- She moved to D.C., Mom.
- Already?
- I thought that was next
- Can I have your phone?
Yep. There you go.
Yeah, you know,
Ella's going to be a teen soon.
And it just feels like I'm losing her.
I used to take her to the zoo
and let her use that machine
that flattens the pennies.
She just loved it.
I guess I'm just chasing that
zoo penny high, you know?
Someone just texted me, "I guess
surgeons are kind of like the
celebrities of the hospital."
[SCOFFS, LAUGHS] L-O-L.
What does that even mean?
So we're just putting your
insurance paperwork through,
then your ultrasound technician has
- one patient in front of you.
- Cool. Thanks.
Whoa. Not cool. Sorry.
You can bump that nobody.
We got a VIP here. He doesn't wait.
You wait.
You really don't have to do that.
Yeah, we're not bumping anyone.
He's a regular patient
like everyone else.
Regular patients don't do promoted posts
for HelloFresh, Ron.
Right?
Please, just, like,
do whatever you normally do.
I don't need special treatment.
Oh, OK. Good.
Hey, I know it's not a good
time, but can I get a selfie?
This really isn't a good time.
I understand. Maybe just cover the lump.
[UPBEAT ELECTRONIC MUSIC]
♪
Hey, is Colby going on soon?
Oh, absolutely, yeah.
But have you been watching this guy?
He's getting some pretty
good air with those things.
- And he dropped it.
- Yeah.
- We see that, Serena.
- Sorry.
I just thought he was going on at noon.
Well, that was the plan.
But you know how celebrities are.
Just got to head out soon.
I'm covering a ribbon cutting
for the new ice rink,
and it's all the way back in Portland.
Oh. OK.
Well, let me just give it
the old check-a-rooney.
[CHUCKLES]
It's here if you want it.
♪
- [APPLAUSE]
- Ron?
There you are.
What the hell is taking
so long with Colby?
Excuse me, have you never
been to a hospital before?
We're waiting on his insurance
company to get back to us
- about
- Oh, never mind that.
Just give him whatever he
wants, bill it to the hospital.
It's on the house.
I need him down on that
stage making headlines.
St. Denis helps Colby help
kids' dreams come true.
- That's a terrible headline.
- OK.
Just get him back down there.
See, this is the problem.
A celebrity shows up, we give
them whatever they want.
We pay for everything.
Open tab.
Meanwhile, I got an ER
full of patients who can't
even afford basic services.
They're the ones that need help.
I mean, we should be
hold on a second.
Ladies and gentlemen, and also children,
forget everything
you know about reality.
[CROWD GASPING]
That's enough smoke, Carlos.
I've studied a lot
of famous magicians
Blaine, Angel, Penn, not so much Teller.
And there's one common thread.
Magicians must be mysterious.
Small child, choose a card
and prepare your mind.
- Ace of hearts.
- Nope.
Sorry, I was unclear.
Choose a card from the deck
and prepare your mind.
Ah, she's chosen a card.
But what card will it wait.
OK. Sorry.
You're supposed to show the audience so
that they'll know what it was.
It was the nine of clubs.
You know, let's just start over.
- Prepare your mind.
- Alex.
Hey, there she is.
- You forgot her name again.
- What?
No. Listen.
How many patients are we sitting on
with non-coverage denials?
Like a lot.
So Joyce just told me to bill
any services Colby Twill wants
- directly to the hospital.
- OK?
So what if it just so
happens the services he wants
are the exact services our
uninsured patients need.
It'd be like a shopping spree.
Yes. But we have to move now.
OK. Hey, Ella.
Ella.
Listen, I need you to come
with me for just a little bit,
- OK?
- I don't want to miss Colby.
You won't, I promise.
I just need you to
watch me work for just
a little bit, all right? Come on.
- Can I
- Yes.
Five more minutes on the phone.
Fine. OK.
Sorry.
Was this your card?
- I don't remember.
- It was.
- It was her card.
- Boo.
This guy sucks.
Who?
Hey, come on now.
He's trying his best.
He's just not that good at it.
Some people like to tell
stories while they whittle.
Not me.
OK, this is a [BLEEP] show.
But luckily,
Colby's going to be here soon.
That'll be good because
the reporter guy seems
like he's ready to bounce.
Oh, no, no, no.
OK, Serena, do you think you
could occupy the attentions
of our journalist friend?
You want me to flirt with him?
I didn't say that out loud.
On it.
Nothing overtly sexual.
OK, well, feel it out. Feel it out.
- OK.
- You know what you're doing.
Yeah.
Working an Oregon guy's super easy.
Just bring up REI, coffee beans, IPAs,
or the "Dune" movies,
and they just go wild.
Also applies to lesbians.
All right, I'm just
going to be a second.
So you can just hang out here
and watch not "Bridgerton."
No, I think phone time is over.
OK?
Just hang out, all right?
Baby, you can't touch that.
Don't touch that.
You can't touch anything, actually.
It's a it's a sanitation issue.
Sorry.
Should I maybe go back to school?
What? Ella.
It's OK.
It's French bread pizza day, and
you're just working now, so
No, honey, I promise
that today is going to be
way better than that, OK?
Better than French bread pizza?
Don't write a check you can't cash.
Let's just do this fast
before she hates me forever.
These are all the
patients that can't afford
- specialists and screenings.
- Great.
Code them all to Twill.
And, um, Mrs. Falco in 11 could really
benefit from a cervical exam.
Screw it. Code to Twill.
OK, cool.
[UPBEAT MUSIC]
- That's crazy.
- Yeah.
They send you a new bag
of beans every month.
Well, they're probably not
single-origin or anything.
No. They are single origin.
Andrew, you may have
just saved my mornings.
Now, find me a place where
I can buy a decent carabiner.
Wait, have you not been to REI?
What's that? [PHONE BEEPING]
Shoot.
I really have to get going,
but it was so nice meeting you.
No, no, no, no, no.
You can't go anywhere. Colby's coming.
I really need to get
to this ribbon cutting.
The mayor's going to be there, so
So what?
What's the biggest thing
that's going to happen there?
Someone's going to
take the giant scissors
and chop his head off?
Aw, do you really have to go?
I mean, we're just starting to
OK, muscles.
Didn't see those, but I
can definitely feel them.
- I
- Wow.
I could probably leave
in, like, 10 minutes.
How are you this strong?
I play pickleball once a week.
- Oh, my God.
- Yeah.
All right, I've got
another Code Twill here.
Facial laceration that
could benefit from plastics.
Hey, if this is all free, you think
I could also get some lip filler?
Counteroffer.
I can leave the hook in, and
we can move on to someone else.
Damn it.
Can you get these
patients over to X-ray?
- Yeah. Yeah.
- I will stall them.
- Holy crap.
- Pretty gnarly, right?
And it wasn't an accident.
I was targeted.
No, no. Thank you.
She doesn't need to see that.
Appreciate it.
Twill featuring Schweitz,
or Schweitz featuring Twill.
- Could work.
- Hey.
- Leaving so soon?
- Yeah.
No surprises on the ultrasound.
So it's showtime.
So they didn't find
anything on the CT scan?
CT scan? What? You didn't order a CT.
Well, I figured we'd
get the initial screens
and go from there.
Wait, so I'm not in the clear yet?
Well, medically speaking,
we are kind of sure you're in the clear.
A CT scan would just make us very sure,
but kind of sure is still pretty sure.
- I don't want to be a hassle.
- You're not a hassle.
But I feel like being,
you know, very sure
Yeah, with you,
I'd like to be very sure.
- Yeah, that might be good.
- Oh, sure.
It would be so good.
I'll go tell everybody it'll
just be a smidge longer.
- OK, thanks.
- All right.
Hey, how much money you make on YouTube?
It depends on what the
definition of the word "is" is.
That was also him.
Please throw out your trash.
OK, that was our last act
before Colby comes out,
which is going to be any minute.
How about some trivia?
You want to play some trivia?
Candice, I need you to
expedite labs in 5 and 12.
Raj, I need a full
autoimmune panel in 20.
Holly, take Mrs. Edmunds
down for a chest X-ray.
Code it to Twill. Go, go, go.
OK, but there's a huge
backup right now, so
No, you tell Dr. Lee we have
a level two priority patient
in need of urgent imaging.
And don't you budge till he takes her.
- OK.
- All right.
Knees to the breeze, Holly.
Go, go, go, go!
Alex, I got to go to radiology.
Get these to the lab, stat.
We're on borrowed time.
I can't. I've got to take him
down for a PET scan, Ron.
Who am I going to send?
OK, honey, I am so sorry to do this.
But I need you to take these
down to the lab for me, OK?
- Wait. Really?
- Yes, really.
There is a big metal door
that says "laboratory" on it
and a judgy guy named Carl
who sits behind some glass, OK?
If he gives you any pushback,
you tell him I sent you.
My name is Nurse Alex, not Mom.
- Is this all people's blood?
- Yes, it is.
- Am I allowed to do this?
- You are not.
Don't tell anybody. Whee.
So fun. So fun.
OK. Bye-bye.
All right, Mr. Harris, here we go.
OK, just stay very still.
[TAPPING PERCUSSIVE RHYTHM]
Ooh. Is that something?
It feels like something, right?
Come on, Colby.
Get in on this. What you got?
No, it's all right. I'm fine.
- Stop moving.
- All right.
- He's just talking to me.
- Stop.
OK.
Got to stop moving, Colby.
Give me an R.
CROWD: R.
What's that spell?
ALL: St. Denis Regional Medical Center.
Whoo-hoo! Yeah!
What else? What else?
Hey, this was kind of
I don't know what this was,
but I'm going to slip out.
It was nice meeting you.
Oh, wait.
I actually wanted to show you something.
Come with me. You'll see.
All right. Yeah.
- Awesome.
- But that's
Wait. What?
My tonsillectomy story.
Hopefully, yours will be better.
Hey, kids, this is Andrew.
I don't know your last name.
But he's from the newspaper.
- Whoo!
- Whoo!
Yeah.
So Andrew's going to help us
get hyped up for Colby, OK?
So when he says Saint, you say Denis.
- Saint.
- CROWD: Denis.
Oh, come on.
Colby's not coming out until
he hears more love than that.
- Again.
- Saint.
- CROWD: Denis!
- BOTH: Saint.
CROWD: Denis!
And where are we, in a library?
- Louder!
- Yeah.
ALL: Saint Denis!
Saint Denis!
Whoo-hoo!
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
Yeah!
All right, we are pumped!
Yeah!
Yeah, Saint D!
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
Sorry for the delay, guys.
I I had kind of a scary morning,
but a really great doctor helped
me out today, Dr. Ron Leonard.
Clap it up for Dr. Ron Leonard.
Thank you, Dr. Ron.
Come on, Twillionaires.
You ready to start the show?
How do you feel?
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
Make a little noise!
Let's do this thing!
[AUTO-TUNED VOCALIZATION]
Yeah ♪
[UPBEAT ELECTRONIC MUSIC]
I farted in front of people ♪
Unleashing some kind of new BO ♪
This fragrance should be illegal ♪
All because I farted
in front of people ♪
Come on, make some noise!
So that was Colby Twill,
and those were his "songs."
Look, my parents didn't
understand the Beatles, so OK.
I made a little ♪
So the doctor was able to tell that
just from looking at his neck?
That's wild.
Not to me.
I've always known that St. Denis
has the best doctors in Eastern
North Central Oregon, period.
Of course, you're the writer.
You put the period wherever you want.
Poopy, poopy ♪
Dookie D ♪
Yeah ♪
Poopy, poopy ♪
Dookie D ♪
[LAUGHS] Come on.
Poopy, poopy ♪
Dookie D ♪
Hey!
Poopy, poopy ♪
- Dookie ♪
- Nope.
Dad, Colby Twill was amazing.
Yeah, I had to watch Mom work at first,
but it was pretty cool.
She used her clean the house
voice on, like, adults.
"Pretty cool."
That's a direct quote.
So yeah, definitely a zoo penny day.
Well, Colby was a hit.
And today, we got a
front-page story better
than I could have hoped for.
But most importantly, the kids loved it.
And also, you can't put
a price on good publicity.
He was worth every
cent we spent on his
Jesus, what the [BLEEP]
is wrong with Colby Twill?
Cervical exam?
It's none of my business.