That '70s Show s01e13 Episode Script

All right, this is no sweat.
If we leave right after school we should make it to Jackie's ski cabin by, like, 6:00.
Man, I can't wait.
A trip to my favorite place.
Anywhere but here.
And I'm betting that Alpine Valley is gonna give the kid many make-out opportunities with Donna this weekend.
- The kid is in.
- What's with the whole "kid" thing? It's cool.
It's not cool? Not cool.
Dorky.
Guess who made out with Pam Macy behind the gym? Everyone.
No! Me! Kelso, a lot of people hang out behind the gym.
Yeah, that's what's so great about it.
Everybody saw it! That's great, man.
Yeah.
Because now everybody can tell Jackie, you moron.
Then she's gonna dump you and we won't be able to go up - to her ski cabin.
- She's never gonna find out.
You are a dog, Michael, a dirty, dirty dog! - What did I do? - You kissed Pam Macy.
I trusted you, Michael, and now all my friends are laughing at me.
I can't even show my face in the third floor bathroom anymore.
And that's the cool bathroom.
- But, I - No, Michael.
We're through.
Okay.
If that's the way you want it, we're through.
And Monday, when we get back from that ski trip, it's over.
No, Michael, no.
You won't be skiing this weekend.
That's just great, Jackie.
Cancel the ski trip and disappoint all our friends.
No.
We are still going.
They're surely not going without me.
Right, guys? And did I mention my parents are not coming so it'll be just us? So, we'll see you Monday! Hanging out Down the street The same old thing We did last week Not a thing to do But talk to you Whoa, yeah Hello, Wisconsin! So, Eric's going away for the weekend.
Whole house to ourselves.
You know what that means? Dinner in front of the TV.
No.
You dog.
Now, Eric, you're gonna be driving in snow so I'll put together an emergency roadside kit for you.
- In case you run into trouble.
- Okay, that'd be great.
Preparation makes all the difference, Eric.
Take kitty litter.
I can't tell you how many times kitty litter got me out of a tight spot.
I remember one time in the '70s.
Oh, my God, Eric.
Oh.
It's a road flare.
A road flare can save your life.
I said, "A road flare can save your life.
" What? Check.
Great.
Road flare.
Right.
Okay, now, good.
How was school today? Okay, you know my PE Teacher, Coach Wilson? He had this crusty stuff in the corner of his lip.
So Kelso says to him "Coach, check out that crusty stuff" Last week, the coach Dad? Dad, are you even listening? Of course I'm listening.
And you know what I'm hearing? You need to buckle down.
I've told you over and over again that school is so important.
What you do now determines Red, that is so good.
Right there.
That hasn't been touched in years.
Donna, man, I brought my double sleeping bag.
You know? Great.
Can Eric and I borrow it? Hyde, watching you fail over and over it is like Charlie Brown and the football.
Yeah, man, I just don't get it.
No, because Eric already has it.
Hey.
Hey, Kelso.
Look, I just wanna make sure we're cool.
'Cause this weekend is, like, really important for me and Donna.
So, thanks for understanding.
Yeah.
I understand.
I understand that we're not friends anymore.
Look, man, you brought this on yourself.
I know I did, but that's no reason for me to suffer.
No, that is a great reason for you to suffer.
- I'm going.
- Fine.
Go.
See if I care.
Come on, Eric.
Come on, man.
- Here's your emergency roadside kit.
- Kitty litter? Kitty litter.
Right.
Honey, I put some sandwiches in your duffel bag.
Now why do you need such a big bag of oregano? Donna's Italian.
Okay, stay warm.
Okay, I see what's going on.
You're not really going skiing.
This is all just a gag.
You're trying to get me all worked up so you can go, "Just kidding, buddy!" Yeah, you got me.
That's a nice burn.
It sure is.
Bye-bye.
He's not going.
He'll be back.
Any second now.
He's probably just going around the block.
I gotta hand it to him, he got me there.
That's a major burn.
Yup.
There he is.
I knew it! No, that's not him.
I have never seen snow before.
It is so beautiful.
Do you know what the best part of this whole trip is? That Michael is not here.
He'd just be sitting here telling me how cute I look in my fur-trimmed coat.
I know I look cute.
I don't need him here for that.
Forman, man, what's all this crap that Red gave you? I don't know.
He's obsessed with kitty litter.
I think he might be going insane.
Far out.
What the hell was that? I don't know.
I guess we hit some ice.
Great, we're stuck.
Look, I made my first snowball.
I love snow so much, my fingers are numb with joy.
That's frostbite, Fez.
How rude.
I hate your white man's winter.
Get in the car, Fez.
Eric, do something.
Yeah, man, stop goofing around.
It's freezing.
This is awful.
We're all going to die and I love Michael.
Shut up! Okay, think, Eric, think.
Why kitty litter? Use the gum, Eric.
Dad? What're you doing here? I'm not here.
You're imagining me.
Now who's insane, Mr.
Smartmouth? I guess I am.
Use the gum to stick the candle in the can.
The candle heats the can, which melts the snow behind the tire.
Then pour on the kitty litter for traction.
Now you think you can handle that? - Yes, sir.
- Good.
Because you don't want me back out here.
I may be a figment of your imagination I'm still freezing my ass off.
Michael, what are you doing down here? You know what? I think Eric actually went.
What a jerk.
Why don't you just go to Jackie's cabin and talk to him? I can't, I don't have a car.
Besides, Jackie hates me forever 'cause I kissed Pam Macy.
You know, when Mr.
Forman and I were dating I saw him kissing a girl in a movie theater once and I forgave him.
You forgave him for kissing another girl? Yes, sir.
I mean it wasn't so much kissing as it was a groping sloppy, pawing, nibbling nightmare.
But you forgave him.
Yeah.
I forgave the bastard.
Cool! Okay.
Candles, check.
Chianti, check.
Fancy nut mix, check.
And how's my pretty lady? You are so full of crap.
Hello there.
Thanks for stopping.
Are you going all the way to Alpine Valley? I'm going wherever you're going.
Wow.
That's lucky.
So tell me, did it hurt? What? When you fell down from heaven.
No, I'm fine.
All right, we made it! Yeah, just in time.
That storm was getting nasty.
I am so cold.
The snow has stolen my manhood.
There's only one bedroom.
It was gonna be for Michael and I, but since our love is Dead you two should take it.
All right.
Want to go check out our room? Definitely.
Where are you guys going? I thought we were gonna hang the I am freezing.
The winter in my country is 70 degrees.
We must hold each other for warmth.
Stop touching me! But I am going to die! Okay, Fez, amaretto.
You know what, man? This'll warm you right up.
Take a sip of that.
Yum, liquid candy.
Kitty, you're talking about something that happened over 20 years ago.
And there you were at the movies, in front of God and everybody slurping on horse face Lyn Taylor like she was a Popsicle.
Kitty A big, easy, horse-faced Popsicle.
Horse face? She was a runner-up in the Miss Wisconsin pageant.
Which she lost because she was such a horse face.
Thanks for the burger.
And the hat.
I just like to see that smile.
You seem kinda down about your friend Eric.
Yeah.
It's just, you know, he's always been there for me.
Like when people used to call me dumb he'd say, "He's not as dumb as you think.
" People don't like to talk about it but guy-to-guy relationships are pretty special, you know? They can be the most beautiful thing in the world.
I don't know why I do this stuff.
It's just, like I get these urges, you know, and I can't control them.
Shoot, I wrote that country song.
I've been cheated Been mistreated When will I be loved That's probably just Jackie crying.
Yeah.
All right, that's too much.
Can you please go out there and break that record? What's going on? "Spy vs.
Spy," man, they kill me.
No, with her.
She seems upset or something.
Okay, look, where's Fez? Fez? He killed that entire bottle of amaretto and then he ran outside, saying he had to make a snow angel.
But he was in his underwear.
Look, you either need to go get Fez or console Jackie.
All right, I'll take Donna.
- Jackie.
- Yeah.
Jackie.
Okay.
Yeah, okay, I can see you're upset.
Now, listen, all right? If it's any consolation Pam Macy would give it up to anybody.
What do you know? We're all alone.
God, Hyde, you can be such a jerk, you know that? - Come on, I'm just goofing around.
- No, you're not.
Look, I'm up here with Eric.
All right? - Get it? Not you.
- I know, okay? Look, do you think I like hitting on my best friend's girlfriend? I don't.
But I look at you, I mean, look at you.
I can't help it.
You better.
It's so clear to me now.
I can't just go around using people as my sexual playthings.
You know what I mean, Gus? 'Cause people's feelings are way more important than those sexual urges.
You're good people, son.
You, too, man.
This is where you get off.
And one more thing.
Next time, take a bus.
You're too pretty to hitch.
Thanks, man.
Bye, Gus.
Fez! Hey, man.
- Kelso.
You're here.
- Yeah.
I got a ride with the nicest guy.
Listen, I had a lot of time to think on the way up here.
And, I'm sorry.
Yeah, I'm sorry.
I should never have come up here without you, man.
I am a winter nymph.
I love the snow.
Hooray America! Michael! You walked all the way here in a driving snowstorm just to be with me didn't you, Michael? And you would never ever do that for Pam Macy, would you? No? Lover.
You know it.
Could one of you guys put his pants on? Kitty, this can't just be about me and Lyn Taylor.
- What's really bothering you? - Okay.
I just want to know why not me? Why not you what? I married you.
Yeah, but when we were dating, you just sat there.
You held my hand politely.
Didn't you think that I might enjoy a passionate manhandling in a public place? I respected you.
I'm an old-fashioned guy.
I don't think that you should grope and maul the one you love.
Until you get to Florida at the Fontainebleau with the door locked and a carton of cigarettes.
Red, our honeymoon.
Let's go upstairs.
No.
Let's go to the movies.
Here we are.
Yep.
So, I still can't believe that Kelso cheated on Jackie with Pam Macy.
I mean, that is just a seriously uncool move.
Yeah.
I mean, to risk everything for Eric, I would never do that to you.
You can trust me.
Really? Absolutely.
I would never kiss Pam Macy behind the gym.
Never say never, Donna.
This night turned out okay.
Pretty romantic.
Yeah, it's just how I imagined it.
Just you and me I do not feel too good.
Thank you.
Okay, maybe it's not just how I imagined.
Cover your ears, this part gets pretty gross.