The A-Team (1983) s01e13 Episode Script
The Beast from the Belly of a Boeing
[Man.]
Ten years ago, a crack commando unit was sent to prison by a military court for a crime they didn"t commit.
These men promptly escaped from a maximum-security stockade to the Los Angeles underground.
Today, still wanted by the government, they survive as soldiers of fortune.
If you have a problem, if no one else can help, and if you can find them maybe you can hire the A-Team.
Hey! Keep 'em open! What do we got here? Idiots? [Whispers.]
It's a go.
[Man On P.
A.
.]
Final call for Beller Flight 2-6-7, now boarding at Gate Six.
- We a go? - Yeah, yeah.
Everything's working out.
- You got the parachutes? - Yeah, yeah.
You seen Jackson? You won't see him till you get on board.
Relax, now, will ya, bro? Let's go.
That's on your right.
That's on your left, sir.
[Flight Attendant.]
That"s to your right.
To your left, sir.
Welcome aboard, Private.
On leave? - Yeah.
It's my first one.
- Well, I hope you enjoy your flight.
I will.
All right, everybody stay calm, or this lady's gonna get it! - [Passengers Screaming.]
- [Groaning.]
Go on! Get outta here! Now! Get those passengers in here right now! Move! Move! In, in, in, in, in! Move! Come on! Bring her in! This is a freedom fighter from the United People's Resistance.
We have just commandeered Beller Flight 2-6-7 and demand permission for immediate take-off on runway 2-4.
[Engines Starting.]
This is Beller Flight 2-6-7.
Priority clearance requested.
[Controller.]
Permission for take-off denied.
Stand by.
Beller 2-6-7 has been commandeered by the United People's Resistance.
You either clear us for immediate take-off, or we starting shooting the passengers.
[Beeping.]
[Man.]
As soon as you contact Mr Beller, put the call right through.
As soon as they gave us their demands, they cut off radio contact.
Have we been able to reach Mr Beller yet? No, he's still fishing off the coast of Greece somewhere.
Then we're out of options.
We must call in the F.
B.
I.
- You heard what they said.
Call in the feds, and they'll start killing the passengers.
- Calm down! You read the printout on Jackson.
The F.
B.
I.
thinks he pulled that Brinks job in Jersey last year.
The guy's a nut job.
Now he wants $5 million in cash.
Plus guaranteed passage to Libya.
I say we give it to him.
The replacement cost on the jet alone is $50 million.
- Plus all the bad publicity we'll get out of this.
- We can't.
Not without Beller's okay.
Meanwhile, we can't just sit on our hands.
What about those guys you told me about the A-Team? I put out the word.
I've got some contacts in some Vietnam veteran activist groups, but so far it's a dead end.
I think they're probably just a rumour.
- Got an order from Sam's Deli.
Got a bacon and cheese - That's mine.
There you go, pal.
Oh! Right.
And a tomato and turkey.
That's yours, sir.
- Black coffee here.
- Coffee, black, for you, sir.
Yes, sir.
- Black coffee here.
- Black coffee right there.
And there's coffee with cream.
Here's your cream, sir.
Thank you.
Sorry about that.
What's the matter with you? For cryin' out loud! We got some soda here.
You owe me $ 16.
18.
And I don't mind havin' a tip either, pal.
See ya later.
Just a minute, mister! Got some soda here.
Great for stains.
Stay away from me.
I don't want your help! - I thought you wanted to hire the A-Team.
- This is crazy.
No, it isn't.
Yes, it is! [Quacking.]
It's crazy.
[Continues Quacking.]
It's very crazy.
l"m crazy.
You wanna see how crazy I am, Doc? [lmitating Humphrey Bogart.]
Don't be silly, pal.
You're taking a fall.
When a man's partner is killed, he's supposed to do something about it.
It's bad business to let a killer get away with it bad all around.
Bad for detectives everywhere.
[Quacking.]
You see? I'm bananas, Doc.
Murdock, you've been institutionalized for 10 years.
It"s only natural you don"t want to be released.
It"s scary.
But I can assure you that I would not release you from this hospital unless I was absolutely certain that you are just as sane as I am.
[Barking, Growling.]
G-Get down, Billy! Back! Back! I'd get outta here if I was you.
I don't know how long I can hold him off.
Don't worry.
We'll take good care of your dog, Billy.
I don't get it! I mean No, ma'am, I don't wanna eat my squash.
[Gasps.]
Oh, this is horrible.
This is just horrible.
I see a giant fish eating the White House.
That's a cute bit, Murdock.
But, listen, why don't you try reality for a while, huh? You're makin' a grave mistake, General.
Those tanks are up to their turrets in mud.
We gotta surrender Come in for group anytime you have any difficulty getting over the rough spots.
Rough spots? I'm talkin' about a major breakdown here Doc! Oh, Murdock, Murdock.
Ohh! You'll be fine, son.
Don't give away my room, Doc.
[Face.]
I think we"re giving this one away, Hannibal.
One percent of the ransom comes to 50 grand.
Our expenses have been running higher than that.
Beller can't afford any more.
The fuel crisis whacked him hard.
Ah, so now we're in the charity business.
Face, don't you remember in '69 when we had six days of "R" and "R" coming? Yeah.
We tried to get that flight out of Da Nang to Hawaii.
Right.
All the flights were booked.
Beller Air bumped two tourists, and we got a flight out.
We owe 'em this one.
Uh, B.
A.
, how long is it gonna take you to get through the top of the baggage compartment? - With the proper tools, about 20 minutes.
- It's gotta be quicker.
I get those clowns off the ground, all we can be thinking about is a fast refuel and exchange of passengers.
That's if they go for the exchange.
Oh, they will.
We're gonna give them the president, Edward Beller the Third and the executive vice president of Beller Air as hostages.
- I thought nobody could get in touch with Beller.
- Right.
- [Car Horn Honking.]
- Must be our pilot.
I ain't flyin', Hannibal.
B.
A.
, you're gonna be ground crew on this one.
Your little red tennies will never leave the asphalt.
Answer the door.
Where's Murdock? I had the field trip to the newspaper office all set up.
- I hope you didn't blow it, Amy.
- Murdock wasn't even at the hospital.
When I got there, they were moving his things out of his room.
The front desk said the administration had "made a change.
" What kind of a change can they make with a dude like that, aside from giving him a new brain? Hannibal, that puts us in kinda deep.
How are we gonna rescue a jet without a pilot? Don't make no difference.
I ain't flyin' with that crazy fool anyway.
[Car Horn Beeps.]
You guys tell anybody about this place? It's all right.
Open 'em up.
What am I, the doorman? [lmitates Buzzing Engine.]
[lmitates Screeching Tyres.]
Darn thing only gets Murdock, we've got a situation here.
[Sniffles.]
What's the matter, Captain? Colonel, I'm afraid I have some terrible, terrible terrible news.
What happened? Your dog Billy get hit by a car? Worse.
[lmitating James Cagney.]
I have been kicked out.
Caine has been kicked out of the harbour.
So pull up the gangplanks, Mr Roberts, and tell all the officers to meet me in the wardroom.
- You've been found sane.
- You got it.
My career is over.
No, it isn't.
We need you, Captain.
Right now.
You mean, we're goin' up there? B.
A.
, you take Murdock to the airport and brief him on the way.
Hey, man, why do I gotta be the one always bein' stuck with this crazy fool? You go in as ground crew.
When I talk that jet in, stall the refuelling till we get aboard.
Murdock'll help you pull the floor paneling.
I told you before I ain't goin' up.
Just get Murdock on board.
Face, did you con us that limo? Chauffeur and all.
All right.
You know the plan.
Let's go, guys.
- I think this is gonna work.
- It always works, Face.
Git! Help us! Please, help us! You try that again, lady, and you're dead! [Controller.]
Beller 2-6-7, do you read? Over.
This is Rourke, Thomas.
Open up.
So, how they doin'? They're pretty freaked out, but no one's panicking yet.
Well, when this sucker hits the ocean, they'll panic.
Beller Airways Flight 2-6-7 to Operations.
Come in, Operations.
This is Operations, Beller Air 2-6-7.
Switch to security channel nine-delta.
I want to talk to the man right now.
I'm losing patience.
Where are those guys? Smith gave me his word the A-Team will be here.
Mr Beller's out raising the rest of the five million.
He'll be with you as soon as he can.
Well, he'd better get it.
Otherwise we're gonna turn this plane into a boat.
[Allen.]
What am I supposed to do while you guys are up in the air? You're our liaison on the ground.
If Lynch gets a spotlight on us we're gonna have to get out of there quick.
- So don't leave Beller operations room.
- Okay.
I don't know, Colonel.
This reminds me of the time you fixed me up with that blind date who turned out to be the general's wife.
Now, now, Face.
I'm Edward Beller the Third, President of Beller Airlines.
You're my executive vice president.
We give them the five million and ourselves as hostages when they turn over the passengers.
Then we overpower them and, uh, Murdock flies us home.
Ah, we just overpower them.
Right.
We assume an offensive posture.
Military history has taught us that conflict is merely the seizing of space from one"s aggressor.
They've got the space up there.
We've got the offensive posture down here.
So, the two of us assume an offensive posture against six guys with guns in an aeroplane at 35,000 feet over the ocean.
Well, it's the application of the theory that's interesting.
I don't know.
Do you think you look enough like Beller? Of course I look enough like Beller.
- What's the name of the guard? - Scotty.
Watch Scotty.
Good afternoon.
I got the big guy in back.
- What do you say, Scotty? How are the wife and kids? - Just fine, Mr Beller.
Good to see you, sir.
[Knocking.]
I don't know, Larry.
This guy doesn't look a lot like Beller to me.
Save the raves, friend.
You got the money? Miss Allen is part of the A-Team.
She'll be our liaison with the ground.
If the feds are tipped, we're gonna need some warning.
There are couple of guys in the military who'd like to see us again behind bars.
- It's not that we don't trust you - But we don't trust anybody.
- You talk to the hijackers? - You said not to.
Good.
Get 'em on the radio.
This is Operations to Beller Air Flight 2-6-7.
[Jackson.]
Beller Air 2-6-7.
This is Edward Beller.
Well, finally.
You've got the money, pal? - [Hannibal.]
I have it.
- Good.
Now, put us on a final approach, and put the money in a fuel truck at the end of the runway.
We"ll pick up a full load of fuel, and we"ll release the hostages when we get to Libya.
- No deal.
- Come on, now, pal.
Don't pull out on us now.
We're prepared to dump this thing in the ocean.
We'll let you have the money but we want an exchange of hostages Their safety is our first concern.
You release the passengers and myself and the vice president of Beller Air will come aboard with the $5 million ransom.
And what if I say no? You're running out of fuel, pal.
That's it.
We don't say another word.
- What if he doesn't buy it? - He wants the money.
[Jackson.]
This is Beller 2-6-7.
Clear us for immediate approach, runway seven-right.
permission to land.
Murdock, you drive.
[Engine Starts.]
This is gonna be tough dropping the paneling out of the monocoque.
Got struts everywhere, and that opening gonna be hard for you to squeeze through.
[lmitating Marlon Brando.]
Hey, I'll just shrink down and squeeze through the cracks.
- I thought you said you wasn't crazy any more.
- Only on paper.
Look, man, I want you to take a long time fillin' up them wing tanks 'cause I'm gonna need some time in there.
I don't wanna wind up in the sky in an aeroplane.
[Controller.]
Beller 2-6-7, taxi to end of runway seven-right.
- Boy, oh, boy, if there was ever a time - Don't get any ideas, Face.
Well, they do say every man has his price.
And you think five million might just be yours, huh? No, but it's real close.
Not for me.
[Jackson.]
Here they are.
All right, the two of you come on up here real slow! And keep your hands clear! All right, that's him.
Come on.
Is it there? Okay.
Get 'em in there, get the passengers out.
Come on.
Get 'em out of here.
- Come on! Move it! Let's go! - Come on, come on.
Get up here, fool.
Beller Air Flight 267, clear us for take-off.
[Control Tower.]
You"ll be cleared immediately, 2-6-7.
We're gonna need more time if we're gonna put a full load of fuel onboard.
We've got plenty of fuel for where we're going.
Clear us immediately on 24.
Repeat: priority clearing on 24.
[Austrian Accent.]
Do you think the patient is going to make it, Doctor? How you ever gonna make it on the outside world if you keep makin' a fool out yourself? I'm thinking about a career in medicine.
Only thing you should be doin' with medicine is usin' it for your head.
How much time do we have? - About half a tank.
- [Engine Starting.]
What's that? Um, sounds like noise.
Let me outta here! Don't! Do you wanna kill yourself? If I gotta fly, I do! Hello! Hello in there.
Now, B.
A.
, involuntary paralyzation is one of the primary symptoms of panic anxiety.
So just try to breathe deep.
Okay, forget deep and just try to breathe.
[Austrian Accent.]
Trust me! I am an expert in my field! # Pardon me, Roy Is that the catatonic choo choo # Come on, man! Hannibal's got this whole thing locked down! - Why don't I sit here? - That ain't him, Jack.
[Jackson.]
lt"s just a make-up job.
Seems you've lost some weight, Mr Beller.
- He's been sick.
- Yeah.
I had a virus.
Haven't been able to eat for weeks.
Runny nose, infected ears, mustache falls off.
Who are you? We're a couple of freelance Lone Ranger types.
Beller hired us to handle you guys.
- "Lone Ranger types"? - Yeah.
All right.
Go back to the luggage compartment and get the parachutes.
We"re bailing out just as soon as we"re out of range of the radar.
Unless you have wings, you're dead.
You and Tonto can crack your lousy jokes as you go into the ocean.
Get 'em up, Scout.
Okay, B.
A.
, if you can hear me, blink.
Raise your eyebrow.
Smirk.
Smile.
Wince! Come on, B.
A.
! If you stay like this, they're gonna stand you in front of a bank holding a clock.
[Grunts.]
- Darn airline's always losing your luggage, isn't it? - [Groans.]
- Think B.
A.
and Murdock pulled it off? - I don't think so.
Not enough time.
Look, we may be running out of road on this one.
What are you, nuts? Cut the John Wayne stuff.
We're in real trouble here.
- Get creative.
- My hands are tied.
- Cuffed.
- [Sighs.]
[Grunts.]
Okay, pal.
Try to keep my friend company here.
He doesn't talk much, but he's got a heck of a smile.
Tommy, give me the heading and coordinates, for the jump zone.
I'm gonna put it on automatic.
Go for a 1-5-3 heading.
Latitude's 23 degrees, two minutes north and longitude is 109 degrees, That's gonna put us right on the tip of the Baja Peninsula.
Good, 'cause we're bailing out in about ten minutes.
Our friends back there are gonna go for a swim.
[Sighs.]
We're over the jump zone.
- Where's Rourke? - He's back getting the parachutes.
He's taking his time too.
Why don't you give him a hand.
You squeak, and you're gonna leak.
Now, real quiet, pal, move.
[B.
A.
Moaning.]
Hey! You got your porch lights on.
Come on out of it, guy - Slap me again, and I'll break your arm.
- Welcome back, man.
- Where are we, man? - You don't remember? Of course I don't remember, fool, or I wouldn't be asking you.
Well, we're about 36,000 feet, travelling about 540 miles an hour and I think we're going south somewhere over Mexico.
We in a plane? Take it easy! Hannibal and Face are in trouble.
They're being held hostage in the first class compartment by those skyjackers.
I don't remember any skyjackers.
I don't remember none of this.
[Austrian Accent.]
Traumatic shock.
Memory loss is a primary symptom.
- We in a plane? - Don't panic.
- We're in a plane! A plane! - Don't panic.
Take it easy! - A plane! A plane! A plane! - Relax! Relax! Relax! Relax! Don't Don't But stay angry, you ugly mudsucker! We gotta help our unit! - [Growling.]
- [Yells.]
We gotta come up with something.
There's at least three more of them, and there's only two of us.
And one of us is crazy.
B.
A.
, I'm gonna need the love and support of all the friends I can get and I want you to be my role model somebody I can look up to when the purple wobblies start to wobble.
- Say what? - Ah, forget it! You gotta come up with some kind of plan! If you ain't crazy no more, why don't you come up with a plan? Why don't you make up your mind! First I'm crazy, then I'm not.
She loves me, she loves me not Shut up, Murdock! Shut up! Now, listen, I want you to crawl up under the floor and try to get a message to Hannibal.
Okay.
T.
K.
? Baker! Baker? - What's going on here? - [Pistol Cocks.]
I'll check the bathroom and the galley.
Get those chutes up front.
[Quiet Tapping.]
- [Whispering.]
Listen.
- [Tapping Continues.]
- What? - Hear that tapping? I think it's Morse code.
No, it sounds like something broken in the hydraulic unit.
No, it's Morse code.
It's Murdock.
"Go to lavatory.
" I can't.
I went before I left.
Now who's making jokes? We gotta get you to the bathroom.
Sing.
[Together.]
# You are my sunshine # # My only sunshine # [Tapping.]
[Harmonizing.]
# You make me happy # # When skies are grey # - What did Hannibal say? - [Panting.]
[lmitates Morse Code Beeping.]
- You see anything? - Nothing.
I don't like this.
We started out, we were six.
Now we're down to four.
People just don't disappear, you know.
Just grab those other chutes, get 'em up front.
- We gotta bail out this bird while it still has fuel.
- What about T.
K.
and Baker? You wanna stay around and look for 'em? Fine.
I'm gettin' off this sucker while it's still in the air.
# You make me happy # # When skies are grey ## What's goin' on here, dirtball? I wouldn't wave that around, friend.
Pressurized aeroplanes don't fly well when they got holes in 'em.
You put somebody else on board this plane when we stopped and got fuel? Come on! I ain't askin' you twice! I wanted to bring my pet cat, but I didn't have a kitty carrier.
Uh, now, how could we get anybody on board? You guys were only on the ground two minutes.
Yeah, and I didn't have time to go to the bathroom.
Would you mind Well, flying makes my stomach nervous.
l Huh? Please? Take him to the john, Price.
I never go to the bathroom.
Ah, I, uh I really can't go with these on.
Ah, come on.
What am I gonna do, flush myself down the toilet? Yeah.
I appreciate this.
J - Hey, hurry it up! - Hurry.
Come on.
Let's go.
Shh.
We don't want to wake the passengers.
[Grunting.]
Thom Thomas! Move, and you're dead.
I told you about that gun, pal.
You blow a hole in this bird, it'll depressurize.
Then we'll all go down.
We got trouble out here.
Price just called for help.
Grab the cash.
Let's get ready to bail out.
[Yells.]
[Grunting.]
Oh! My eyes! My eyes! [Punches Landing.]
- Murdock, you okay? - My eyes.
It's a powder burn when the gun discharged.
- I can't see, man.
- You'll be all right, man.
I'll get you outta here.
- Drop your gun! - B.
A.
, don't shoot! Hannibal, grab ahold of my hand! Grab it! [Gasping.]
[Screaming.]
[Alarm Beeping.]
[Controller.]
There"s no response from Flight 2-6-7.
- How much fuel do they have left? - Thirty minutes at most.
They've been holding this pattern for the last hour.
I don't understand it.
Maybe the A-Team couldn't pull it off.
They'll pull it off.
With a tailwind, maybe.
Considering the pattern that jet's circling in, it's like nobody's flying it.
[Alarms Beeping, Blaring.]
[B.
A.
.]
We"re gonna die, man.
We"re gonna die.
Did any of you guys ever see that old Doug McClure movie, Terror in the Sky? Shut up, Murdock.
I ain't got time for your crazy rap up here.
No, McClure's in this plane, and the pilots get ptomaine poisoning from the food.
So he has to take the controls, and the tower talks him in.
- So? - You guys ever fly anything? Kites.
But that was when I was a kid.
I took an introductory flight once where they let me hold the stick of a single-engine for a couple of minutes.
Well, Hannibal, you be my eyes, and I'll bring this sucker home.
- You're on.
- This is my worst nightmare.
Cheer up, B.
A.
Your insurance is up to date.
Come on, Captain.
Let me show you how to fly this bird.
Are you ready, Cap'n? I'm always ready.
What can I say? The man's on the jazz.
Okay, um, there's a little gauge to your right, and it might be flashing.
- What does it say? - "Fasten seat belts.
" - Not that one.
The one next to it.
- Attitude indicator? - Uh, yeah.
Give me the reading.
- In pitch or yaw? - How about English? - Murdock, do you really know how to fly this thing? Let me tell you, Colonel, when they turn these babies over they all look alike.
Listen, Murdock, I'm only gonna say this once.
Don't be messin' around up here.
You tell Hannibal how to get this thing down, 'cause I'm scared, and when I'm scared I tend to get mean.
- And you don't ever wanna see me mean.
- Secure that, Sergeant.
- What"s next? - Okay, we gon' fly this thing.
Get on the radio and contact the tower.
Uh, Face, how much fuel we got left? The gauge should be there on your right.
And it should say "fuel.
" - Uh, 6,000, uh, pounds? - That's about 13 minutes.
Beller Operations, this is Beller Flight 2-6-7.
Do you read? This is Operations, 2-6-7.
Go ahead.
This is Hannibal Smith.
We've secured your aircraft.
- Great.
- But we"ve got one problem.
Jackson, the other pilot on board, was blown from the aeroplane.
You should find him somewhere over Tijuana.
- What about your own pilot you brought on board? - Blinded in a firefight.
We"re depressurized.
We"re running out of fuel.
Have you had any flight experience, Smith? Paper aeroplanes.
Does that count? Okay, Smith, just take 'er easy, and we'll get right back to you.
There is no way someone who has not flown a heavy jet can land at L.
A.
X.
One incident one mess-up and he'll wipe out half the city.
All right, Larry, what's normal standard operating procedure in this situation? We give him a false heading and send him into the ocean.
- You can't do that! - Look, lady Smith doesn't have enough fuel for us to talk him down by autopilot.
He'll have to land that thing by stick.
And there is one chance in 500 he can do that without incident.
Now, we just can't risk it.
I'm sorry, but we're gonna have to send him into the ocean.
Do it.
Okay, Smith, uh, we're gonna take you off autopilot.
- You're gonna have to fly this thing yourself.
- No kidding.
Is your pilot well enough to help you? - I'm here.
- Okay, Captain, he"ll be your eyes.
Begin final approach procedure.
Okay, grab hold of this baby.
- Got 'er.
- Autopilot's off.
- [Alarm Blaring.]
- What's happening? Fly this thing, man.
We goin' up, and we supposed to be goin' down! Uh, the trim tab's under your thumbs.
Uh, up and down.
- And, uh, wing level is your hands.
- Okay.
Now, on your artificial horizon below that is a white line that cuts across the centre of the grid.
Right.
Put that small plane on the first line below the centre line.
Mm-hmm.
Slowly push the yoke forward.
- [Alarm Continues Blaring.]
- What's next? I think maybe a short prayer and a couple of warm goodbyes would be nice.
I'm gonna send him into the ocean just west of Catalina.
- Okay, Captain, turn - Okay, listen straight.
You tell Hannibal how to bring the jet back to this airport, or I'll blow you away.
Hannibal, this is Amy.
I want you to double-check everything these guys tell you with Murdock.
What's going on, kid? - They"re trying to make you crash in the ocean.
- [Face.]
What are we gonna do now? Now, you just help 'em land this thing.
Okay, Smith, we're gonna bring you in V.
F.
R.
- "V.
F.
R.
"? - That's pilot talk.
It just means you're flying this baby on your own.
Now, we"re gonna bank right.
So turn the yoke right real slow.
This is Captain H.
M.
Murdock.
You wanna give me the, uh, headings on our final approach, and we'll get this sled in for ya.
Murdock turn right.
Heading 0-6-niner.
Okay, you wanna keep that little plane below the artificial horizon and you just keep turning 'er until you see zero-six-niner on the compass.
Not so fast, Colonel.
Not so fast.
You just do it real slow, like you was dancin' with a big, fat girl.
You got it? - I think so.
- All right, what's our airspeed? Uh 225.
- Altitude? - 3,500.
Can you find the flaps? - Yeah.
- Okay, give me one notch.
One notch.
- You see the one little green light? - No.
- Now I do.
- Landing gear is down.
You should see the airport out there on the coast.
All right, give me one more notch.
One more notch.
We don't see any land, fellas.
How much fuel have we got, Face? Uh, uh 3,500 pounds.
Oh that's six minutes.
You'll make visual contact anytime now, Smith.
Keep the yoke moving forward.
Get the nose down.
You're gonna have to lose some altitude.
If we lose any more altitude, we're gonna be waterskiing.
What is our altitude and airspeed? Uh, 2,200 feet, 190 knots.
All right, try to hold that.
[Hannibal.]
l"ve got visual contact.
Uh, full flaps.
Don't go below 140 on the airspeed, though.
Full flaps.
I got, uh, 150.
Bring the nose up a little.
All right, clear that runway and get some emergency units out there.
We've only got enough fuel to do this once, and we're coming in.
Get our emergency units out to runway seven-right.
Face, if we crash We gonna crash! We gonna crash! Face, get him off me! Get him off me! Sorry, fellas.
I lost my head.
- Fasten your seat belts.
- Keep the nose down! [Alarm Blaring.]
Uh, I, uh I think we"re about out of fuel.
[Engine Decelerating.]
Yeah, we're definitely out of fuel.
- [Murdock.]
Altitude? - One hundred feet.
[Alarm Continues Blaring.]
When you think you're gonna hit the runway, you pull back on that yoke as hard as you can.
Okay, stand by.
Stand by.
Here we go.
Forward! Go forward with that yoke! Reverse your thrusters! Get on the brakes, Smith! - Hit the brakes! - Where are they? I got 'em! Okay, get your heads down! Maybe they'll let me fly one of these birds, now that I'm not crazy any more.
See, B.
A.
? Flying isn't so bad.
Hello.
B.
A.
? I love it when a plan comes together.
It's been almost a week, and I still ain't recovered from that.
- Me neither.
- How's the swelling? Oh, it's goin' down.
I can see all right now.
I hope I never see you again.
By the way, B.
A.
, I thought that now that I'm not nuts any more, maybe you and I could room together.
On the other hand, good fences do make good neighbours.
- How'd we make out, Face? - How'd we make out? Lousy.
One percent of the ransom.
Fifty thousand dollars, right? Split that five ways, that's 10 grand apiece.
Now, we each put half of our take into our retirement programmes and hold back a third for taxes.
[Allen.]
Since when are we paying taxes? [B.
A.
.]
We don"t pay taxes.
Various expenses fees, insurance, medical, et cetera, et cetera, et cetera.
That leaves us with $236.
- Apiece? - No, no, no.
All together.
[Sighs.]
We're almost there, Murdock.
Now, go in there and get your stuff.
Don't mess around.
You know, I'm really gonna miss this place and those warm nights in post-shock carvin' birds out of soap with blunt Popsicle sticks.
Well, they ain't gonna miss you.
Now get goin'.
Hi, Doc.
Murdock! I want you to tell these gentlemen that I am an emissary from the planet Fargo and that I am here to release Commander Gutar from the enemies of the Dark Star.
- Huh? - You Murdock? - Sometimes.
- We've been looking all over for you, chief.
Now, Dr Nutball here released all of his patients.
[lmitating Richard Burton.]
No! My good sir, this doctor has released me because I'm sane! - I have papers and everything! - Just take it easy.
No! No! Tell 'em! Tell 'em, Doc! Tell 'em! Oh, I've tried! But these men do not speak the code! They are ignorant of the ways of our galaxy! - What galaxy? - Our galaxy.
Courage, Murdock! Let me show you my release papers.
You see? "Sane.
" S-A-N-E! Sound! Sensible! Wise! Rational! Lucid! Prudent! Reasonable! [Murdock.]
Home! Home at last!
Ten years ago, a crack commando unit was sent to prison by a military court for a crime they didn"t commit.
These men promptly escaped from a maximum-security stockade to the Los Angeles underground.
Today, still wanted by the government, they survive as soldiers of fortune.
If you have a problem, if no one else can help, and if you can find them maybe you can hire the A-Team.
Hey! Keep 'em open! What do we got here? Idiots? [Whispers.]
It's a go.
[Man On P.
A.
.]
Final call for Beller Flight 2-6-7, now boarding at Gate Six.
- We a go? - Yeah, yeah.
Everything's working out.
- You got the parachutes? - Yeah, yeah.
You seen Jackson? You won't see him till you get on board.
Relax, now, will ya, bro? Let's go.
That's on your right.
That's on your left, sir.
[Flight Attendant.]
That"s to your right.
To your left, sir.
Welcome aboard, Private.
On leave? - Yeah.
It's my first one.
- Well, I hope you enjoy your flight.
I will.
All right, everybody stay calm, or this lady's gonna get it! - [Passengers Screaming.]
- [Groaning.]
Go on! Get outta here! Now! Get those passengers in here right now! Move! Move! In, in, in, in, in! Move! Come on! Bring her in! This is a freedom fighter from the United People's Resistance.
We have just commandeered Beller Flight 2-6-7 and demand permission for immediate take-off on runway 2-4.
[Engines Starting.]
This is Beller Flight 2-6-7.
Priority clearance requested.
[Controller.]
Permission for take-off denied.
Stand by.
Beller 2-6-7 has been commandeered by the United People's Resistance.
You either clear us for immediate take-off, or we starting shooting the passengers.
[Beeping.]
[Man.]
As soon as you contact Mr Beller, put the call right through.
As soon as they gave us their demands, they cut off radio contact.
Have we been able to reach Mr Beller yet? No, he's still fishing off the coast of Greece somewhere.
Then we're out of options.
We must call in the F.
B.
I.
- You heard what they said.
Call in the feds, and they'll start killing the passengers.
- Calm down! You read the printout on Jackson.
The F.
B.
I.
thinks he pulled that Brinks job in Jersey last year.
The guy's a nut job.
Now he wants $5 million in cash.
Plus guaranteed passage to Libya.
I say we give it to him.
The replacement cost on the jet alone is $50 million.
- Plus all the bad publicity we'll get out of this.
- We can't.
Not without Beller's okay.
Meanwhile, we can't just sit on our hands.
What about those guys you told me about the A-Team? I put out the word.
I've got some contacts in some Vietnam veteran activist groups, but so far it's a dead end.
I think they're probably just a rumour.
- Got an order from Sam's Deli.
Got a bacon and cheese - That's mine.
There you go, pal.
Oh! Right.
And a tomato and turkey.
That's yours, sir.
- Black coffee here.
- Coffee, black, for you, sir.
Yes, sir.
- Black coffee here.
- Black coffee right there.
And there's coffee with cream.
Here's your cream, sir.
Thank you.
Sorry about that.
What's the matter with you? For cryin' out loud! We got some soda here.
You owe me $ 16.
18.
And I don't mind havin' a tip either, pal.
See ya later.
Just a minute, mister! Got some soda here.
Great for stains.
Stay away from me.
I don't want your help! - I thought you wanted to hire the A-Team.
- This is crazy.
No, it isn't.
Yes, it is! [Quacking.]
It's crazy.
[Continues Quacking.]
It's very crazy.
l"m crazy.
You wanna see how crazy I am, Doc? [lmitating Humphrey Bogart.]
Don't be silly, pal.
You're taking a fall.
When a man's partner is killed, he's supposed to do something about it.
It's bad business to let a killer get away with it bad all around.
Bad for detectives everywhere.
[Quacking.]
You see? I'm bananas, Doc.
Murdock, you've been institutionalized for 10 years.
It"s only natural you don"t want to be released.
It"s scary.
But I can assure you that I would not release you from this hospital unless I was absolutely certain that you are just as sane as I am.
[Barking, Growling.]
G-Get down, Billy! Back! Back! I'd get outta here if I was you.
I don't know how long I can hold him off.
Don't worry.
We'll take good care of your dog, Billy.
I don't get it! I mean No, ma'am, I don't wanna eat my squash.
[Gasps.]
Oh, this is horrible.
This is just horrible.
I see a giant fish eating the White House.
That's a cute bit, Murdock.
But, listen, why don't you try reality for a while, huh? You're makin' a grave mistake, General.
Those tanks are up to their turrets in mud.
We gotta surrender Come in for group anytime you have any difficulty getting over the rough spots.
Rough spots? I'm talkin' about a major breakdown here Doc! Oh, Murdock, Murdock.
Ohh! You'll be fine, son.
Don't give away my room, Doc.
[Face.]
I think we"re giving this one away, Hannibal.
One percent of the ransom comes to 50 grand.
Our expenses have been running higher than that.
Beller can't afford any more.
The fuel crisis whacked him hard.
Ah, so now we're in the charity business.
Face, don't you remember in '69 when we had six days of "R" and "R" coming? Yeah.
We tried to get that flight out of Da Nang to Hawaii.
Right.
All the flights were booked.
Beller Air bumped two tourists, and we got a flight out.
We owe 'em this one.
Uh, B.
A.
, how long is it gonna take you to get through the top of the baggage compartment? - With the proper tools, about 20 minutes.
- It's gotta be quicker.
I get those clowns off the ground, all we can be thinking about is a fast refuel and exchange of passengers.
That's if they go for the exchange.
Oh, they will.
We're gonna give them the president, Edward Beller the Third and the executive vice president of Beller Air as hostages.
- I thought nobody could get in touch with Beller.
- Right.
- [Car Horn Honking.]
- Must be our pilot.
I ain't flyin', Hannibal.
B.
A.
, you're gonna be ground crew on this one.
Your little red tennies will never leave the asphalt.
Answer the door.
Where's Murdock? I had the field trip to the newspaper office all set up.
- I hope you didn't blow it, Amy.
- Murdock wasn't even at the hospital.
When I got there, they were moving his things out of his room.
The front desk said the administration had "made a change.
" What kind of a change can they make with a dude like that, aside from giving him a new brain? Hannibal, that puts us in kinda deep.
How are we gonna rescue a jet without a pilot? Don't make no difference.
I ain't flyin' with that crazy fool anyway.
[Car Horn Beeps.]
You guys tell anybody about this place? It's all right.
Open 'em up.
What am I, the doorman? [lmitates Buzzing Engine.]
[lmitates Screeching Tyres.]
Darn thing only gets Murdock, we've got a situation here.
[Sniffles.]
What's the matter, Captain? Colonel, I'm afraid I have some terrible, terrible terrible news.
What happened? Your dog Billy get hit by a car? Worse.
[lmitating James Cagney.]
I have been kicked out.
Caine has been kicked out of the harbour.
So pull up the gangplanks, Mr Roberts, and tell all the officers to meet me in the wardroom.
- You've been found sane.
- You got it.
My career is over.
No, it isn't.
We need you, Captain.
Right now.
You mean, we're goin' up there? B.
A.
, you take Murdock to the airport and brief him on the way.
Hey, man, why do I gotta be the one always bein' stuck with this crazy fool? You go in as ground crew.
When I talk that jet in, stall the refuelling till we get aboard.
Murdock'll help you pull the floor paneling.
I told you before I ain't goin' up.
Just get Murdock on board.
Face, did you con us that limo? Chauffeur and all.
All right.
You know the plan.
Let's go, guys.
- I think this is gonna work.
- It always works, Face.
Git! Help us! Please, help us! You try that again, lady, and you're dead! [Controller.]
Beller 2-6-7, do you read? Over.
This is Rourke, Thomas.
Open up.
So, how they doin'? They're pretty freaked out, but no one's panicking yet.
Well, when this sucker hits the ocean, they'll panic.
Beller Airways Flight 2-6-7 to Operations.
Come in, Operations.
This is Operations, Beller Air 2-6-7.
Switch to security channel nine-delta.
I want to talk to the man right now.
I'm losing patience.
Where are those guys? Smith gave me his word the A-Team will be here.
Mr Beller's out raising the rest of the five million.
He'll be with you as soon as he can.
Well, he'd better get it.
Otherwise we're gonna turn this plane into a boat.
[Allen.]
What am I supposed to do while you guys are up in the air? You're our liaison on the ground.
If Lynch gets a spotlight on us we're gonna have to get out of there quick.
- So don't leave Beller operations room.
- Okay.
I don't know, Colonel.
This reminds me of the time you fixed me up with that blind date who turned out to be the general's wife.
Now, now, Face.
I'm Edward Beller the Third, President of Beller Airlines.
You're my executive vice president.
We give them the five million and ourselves as hostages when they turn over the passengers.
Then we overpower them and, uh, Murdock flies us home.
Ah, we just overpower them.
Right.
We assume an offensive posture.
Military history has taught us that conflict is merely the seizing of space from one"s aggressor.
They've got the space up there.
We've got the offensive posture down here.
So, the two of us assume an offensive posture against six guys with guns in an aeroplane at 35,000 feet over the ocean.
Well, it's the application of the theory that's interesting.
I don't know.
Do you think you look enough like Beller? Of course I look enough like Beller.
- What's the name of the guard? - Scotty.
Watch Scotty.
Good afternoon.
I got the big guy in back.
- What do you say, Scotty? How are the wife and kids? - Just fine, Mr Beller.
Good to see you, sir.
[Knocking.]
I don't know, Larry.
This guy doesn't look a lot like Beller to me.
Save the raves, friend.
You got the money? Miss Allen is part of the A-Team.
She'll be our liaison with the ground.
If the feds are tipped, we're gonna need some warning.
There are couple of guys in the military who'd like to see us again behind bars.
- It's not that we don't trust you - But we don't trust anybody.
- You talk to the hijackers? - You said not to.
Good.
Get 'em on the radio.
This is Operations to Beller Air Flight 2-6-7.
[Jackson.]
Beller Air 2-6-7.
This is Edward Beller.
Well, finally.
You've got the money, pal? - [Hannibal.]
I have it.
- Good.
Now, put us on a final approach, and put the money in a fuel truck at the end of the runway.
We"ll pick up a full load of fuel, and we"ll release the hostages when we get to Libya.
- No deal.
- Come on, now, pal.
Don't pull out on us now.
We're prepared to dump this thing in the ocean.
We'll let you have the money but we want an exchange of hostages Their safety is our first concern.
You release the passengers and myself and the vice president of Beller Air will come aboard with the $5 million ransom.
And what if I say no? You're running out of fuel, pal.
That's it.
We don't say another word.
- What if he doesn't buy it? - He wants the money.
[Jackson.]
This is Beller 2-6-7.
Clear us for immediate approach, runway seven-right.
permission to land.
Murdock, you drive.
[Engine Starts.]
This is gonna be tough dropping the paneling out of the monocoque.
Got struts everywhere, and that opening gonna be hard for you to squeeze through.
[lmitating Marlon Brando.]
Hey, I'll just shrink down and squeeze through the cracks.
- I thought you said you wasn't crazy any more.
- Only on paper.
Look, man, I want you to take a long time fillin' up them wing tanks 'cause I'm gonna need some time in there.
I don't wanna wind up in the sky in an aeroplane.
[Controller.]
Beller 2-6-7, taxi to end of runway seven-right.
- Boy, oh, boy, if there was ever a time - Don't get any ideas, Face.
Well, they do say every man has his price.
And you think five million might just be yours, huh? No, but it's real close.
Not for me.
[Jackson.]
Here they are.
All right, the two of you come on up here real slow! And keep your hands clear! All right, that's him.
Come on.
Is it there? Okay.
Get 'em in there, get the passengers out.
Come on.
Get 'em out of here.
- Come on! Move it! Let's go! - Come on, come on.
Get up here, fool.
Beller Air Flight 267, clear us for take-off.
[Control Tower.]
You"ll be cleared immediately, 2-6-7.
We're gonna need more time if we're gonna put a full load of fuel onboard.
We've got plenty of fuel for where we're going.
Clear us immediately on 24.
Repeat: priority clearing on 24.
[Austrian Accent.]
Do you think the patient is going to make it, Doctor? How you ever gonna make it on the outside world if you keep makin' a fool out yourself? I'm thinking about a career in medicine.
Only thing you should be doin' with medicine is usin' it for your head.
How much time do we have? - About half a tank.
- [Engine Starting.]
What's that? Um, sounds like noise.
Let me outta here! Don't! Do you wanna kill yourself? If I gotta fly, I do! Hello! Hello in there.
Now, B.
A.
, involuntary paralyzation is one of the primary symptoms of panic anxiety.
So just try to breathe deep.
Okay, forget deep and just try to breathe.
[Austrian Accent.]
Trust me! I am an expert in my field! # Pardon me, Roy Is that the catatonic choo choo # Come on, man! Hannibal's got this whole thing locked down! - Why don't I sit here? - That ain't him, Jack.
[Jackson.]
lt"s just a make-up job.
Seems you've lost some weight, Mr Beller.
- He's been sick.
- Yeah.
I had a virus.
Haven't been able to eat for weeks.
Runny nose, infected ears, mustache falls off.
Who are you? We're a couple of freelance Lone Ranger types.
Beller hired us to handle you guys.
- "Lone Ranger types"? - Yeah.
All right.
Go back to the luggage compartment and get the parachutes.
We"re bailing out just as soon as we"re out of range of the radar.
Unless you have wings, you're dead.
You and Tonto can crack your lousy jokes as you go into the ocean.
Get 'em up, Scout.
Okay, B.
A.
, if you can hear me, blink.
Raise your eyebrow.
Smirk.
Smile.
Wince! Come on, B.
A.
! If you stay like this, they're gonna stand you in front of a bank holding a clock.
[Grunts.]
- Darn airline's always losing your luggage, isn't it? - [Groans.]
- Think B.
A.
and Murdock pulled it off? - I don't think so.
Not enough time.
Look, we may be running out of road on this one.
What are you, nuts? Cut the John Wayne stuff.
We're in real trouble here.
- Get creative.
- My hands are tied.
- Cuffed.
- [Sighs.]
[Grunts.]
Okay, pal.
Try to keep my friend company here.
He doesn't talk much, but he's got a heck of a smile.
Tommy, give me the heading and coordinates, for the jump zone.
I'm gonna put it on automatic.
Go for a 1-5-3 heading.
Latitude's 23 degrees, two minutes north and longitude is 109 degrees, That's gonna put us right on the tip of the Baja Peninsula.
Good, 'cause we're bailing out in about ten minutes.
Our friends back there are gonna go for a swim.
[Sighs.]
We're over the jump zone.
- Where's Rourke? - He's back getting the parachutes.
He's taking his time too.
Why don't you give him a hand.
You squeak, and you're gonna leak.
Now, real quiet, pal, move.
[B.
A.
Moaning.]
Hey! You got your porch lights on.
Come on out of it, guy - Slap me again, and I'll break your arm.
- Welcome back, man.
- Where are we, man? - You don't remember? Of course I don't remember, fool, or I wouldn't be asking you.
Well, we're about 36,000 feet, travelling about 540 miles an hour and I think we're going south somewhere over Mexico.
We in a plane? Take it easy! Hannibal and Face are in trouble.
They're being held hostage in the first class compartment by those skyjackers.
I don't remember any skyjackers.
I don't remember none of this.
[Austrian Accent.]
Traumatic shock.
Memory loss is a primary symptom.
- We in a plane? - Don't panic.
- We're in a plane! A plane! - Don't panic.
Take it easy! - A plane! A plane! A plane! - Relax! Relax! Relax! Relax! Don't Don't But stay angry, you ugly mudsucker! We gotta help our unit! - [Growling.]
- [Yells.]
We gotta come up with something.
There's at least three more of them, and there's only two of us.
And one of us is crazy.
B.
A.
, I'm gonna need the love and support of all the friends I can get and I want you to be my role model somebody I can look up to when the purple wobblies start to wobble.
- Say what? - Ah, forget it! You gotta come up with some kind of plan! If you ain't crazy no more, why don't you come up with a plan? Why don't you make up your mind! First I'm crazy, then I'm not.
She loves me, she loves me not Shut up, Murdock! Shut up! Now, listen, I want you to crawl up under the floor and try to get a message to Hannibal.
Okay.
T.
K.
? Baker! Baker? - What's going on here? - [Pistol Cocks.]
I'll check the bathroom and the galley.
Get those chutes up front.
[Quiet Tapping.]
- [Whispering.]
Listen.
- [Tapping Continues.]
- What? - Hear that tapping? I think it's Morse code.
No, it sounds like something broken in the hydraulic unit.
No, it's Morse code.
It's Murdock.
"Go to lavatory.
" I can't.
I went before I left.
Now who's making jokes? We gotta get you to the bathroom.
Sing.
[Together.]
# You are my sunshine # # My only sunshine # [Tapping.]
[Harmonizing.]
# You make me happy # # When skies are grey # - What did Hannibal say? - [Panting.]
[lmitates Morse Code Beeping.]
- You see anything? - Nothing.
I don't like this.
We started out, we were six.
Now we're down to four.
People just don't disappear, you know.
Just grab those other chutes, get 'em up front.
- We gotta bail out this bird while it still has fuel.
- What about T.
K.
and Baker? You wanna stay around and look for 'em? Fine.
I'm gettin' off this sucker while it's still in the air.
# You make me happy # # When skies are grey ## What's goin' on here, dirtball? I wouldn't wave that around, friend.
Pressurized aeroplanes don't fly well when they got holes in 'em.
You put somebody else on board this plane when we stopped and got fuel? Come on! I ain't askin' you twice! I wanted to bring my pet cat, but I didn't have a kitty carrier.
Uh, now, how could we get anybody on board? You guys were only on the ground two minutes.
Yeah, and I didn't have time to go to the bathroom.
Would you mind Well, flying makes my stomach nervous.
l Huh? Please? Take him to the john, Price.
I never go to the bathroom.
Ah, I, uh I really can't go with these on.
Ah, come on.
What am I gonna do, flush myself down the toilet? Yeah.
I appreciate this.
J - Hey, hurry it up! - Hurry.
Come on.
Let's go.
Shh.
We don't want to wake the passengers.
[Grunting.]
Thom Thomas! Move, and you're dead.
I told you about that gun, pal.
You blow a hole in this bird, it'll depressurize.
Then we'll all go down.
We got trouble out here.
Price just called for help.
Grab the cash.
Let's get ready to bail out.
[Yells.]
[Grunting.]
Oh! My eyes! My eyes! [Punches Landing.]
- Murdock, you okay? - My eyes.
It's a powder burn when the gun discharged.
- I can't see, man.
- You'll be all right, man.
I'll get you outta here.
- Drop your gun! - B.
A.
, don't shoot! Hannibal, grab ahold of my hand! Grab it! [Gasping.]
[Screaming.]
[Alarm Beeping.]
[Controller.]
There"s no response from Flight 2-6-7.
- How much fuel do they have left? - Thirty minutes at most.
They've been holding this pattern for the last hour.
I don't understand it.
Maybe the A-Team couldn't pull it off.
They'll pull it off.
With a tailwind, maybe.
Considering the pattern that jet's circling in, it's like nobody's flying it.
[Alarms Beeping, Blaring.]
[B.
A.
.]
We"re gonna die, man.
We"re gonna die.
Did any of you guys ever see that old Doug McClure movie, Terror in the Sky? Shut up, Murdock.
I ain't got time for your crazy rap up here.
No, McClure's in this plane, and the pilots get ptomaine poisoning from the food.
So he has to take the controls, and the tower talks him in.
- So? - You guys ever fly anything? Kites.
But that was when I was a kid.
I took an introductory flight once where they let me hold the stick of a single-engine for a couple of minutes.
Well, Hannibal, you be my eyes, and I'll bring this sucker home.
- You're on.
- This is my worst nightmare.
Cheer up, B.
A.
Your insurance is up to date.
Come on, Captain.
Let me show you how to fly this bird.
Are you ready, Cap'n? I'm always ready.
What can I say? The man's on the jazz.
Okay, um, there's a little gauge to your right, and it might be flashing.
- What does it say? - "Fasten seat belts.
" - Not that one.
The one next to it.
- Attitude indicator? - Uh, yeah.
Give me the reading.
- In pitch or yaw? - How about English? - Murdock, do you really know how to fly this thing? Let me tell you, Colonel, when they turn these babies over they all look alike.
Listen, Murdock, I'm only gonna say this once.
Don't be messin' around up here.
You tell Hannibal how to get this thing down, 'cause I'm scared, and when I'm scared I tend to get mean.
- And you don't ever wanna see me mean.
- Secure that, Sergeant.
- What"s next? - Okay, we gon' fly this thing.
Get on the radio and contact the tower.
Uh, Face, how much fuel we got left? The gauge should be there on your right.
And it should say "fuel.
" - Uh, 6,000, uh, pounds? - That's about 13 minutes.
Beller Operations, this is Beller Flight 2-6-7.
Do you read? This is Operations, 2-6-7.
Go ahead.
This is Hannibal Smith.
We've secured your aircraft.
- Great.
- But we"ve got one problem.
Jackson, the other pilot on board, was blown from the aeroplane.
You should find him somewhere over Tijuana.
- What about your own pilot you brought on board? - Blinded in a firefight.
We"re depressurized.
We"re running out of fuel.
Have you had any flight experience, Smith? Paper aeroplanes.
Does that count? Okay, Smith, just take 'er easy, and we'll get right back to you.
There is no way someone who has not flown a heavy jet can land at L.
A.
X.
One incident one mess-up and he'll wipe out half the city.
All right, Larry, what's normal standard operating procedure in this situation? We give him a false heading and send him into the ocean.
- You can't do that! - Look, lady Smith doesn't have enough fuel for us to talk him down by autopilot.
He'll have to land that thing by stick.
And there is one chance in 500 he can do that without incident.
Now, we just can't risk it.
I'm sorry, but we're gonna have to send him into the ocean.
Do it.
Okay, Smith, uh, we're gonna take you off autopilot.
- You're gonna have to fly this thing yourself.
- No kidding.
Is your pilot well enough to help you? - I'm here.
- Okay, Captain, he"ll be your eyes.
Begin final approach procedure.
Okay, grab hold of this baby.
- Got 'er.
- Autopilot's off.
- [Alarm Blaring.]
- What's happening? Fly this thing, man.
We goin' up, and we supposed to be goin' down! Uh, the trim tab's under your thumbs.
Uh, up and down.
- And, uh, wing level is your hands.
- Okay.
Now, on your artificial horizon below that is a white line that cuts across the centre of the grid.
Right.
Put that small plane on the first line below the centre line.
Mm-hmm.
Slowly push the yoke forward.
- [Alarm Continues Blaring.]
- What's next? I think maybe a short prayer and a couple of warm goodbyes would be nice.
I'm gonna send him into the ocean just west of Catalina.
- Okay, Captain, turn - Okay, listen straight.
You tell Hannibal how to bring the jet back to this airport, or I'll blow you away.
Hannibal, this is Amy.
I want you to double-check everything these guys tell you with Murdock.
What's going on, kid? - They"re trying to make you crash in the ocean.
- [Face.]
What are we gonna do now? Now, you just help 'em land this thing.
Okay, Smith, we're gonna bring you in V.
F.
R.
- "V.
F.
R.
"? - That's pilot talk.
It just means you're flying this baby on your own.
Now, we"re gonna bank right.
So turn the yoke right real slow.
This is Captain H.
M.
Murdock.
You wanna give me the, uh, headings on our final approach, and we'll get this sled in for ya.
Murdock turn right.
Heading 0-6-niner.
Okay, you wanna keep that little plane below the artificial horizon and you just keep turning 'er until you see zero-six-niner on the compass.
Not so fast, Colonel.
Not so fast.
You just do it real slow, like you was dancin' with a big, fat girl.
You got it? - I think so.
- All right, what's our airspeed? Uh 225.
- Altitude? - 3,500.
Can you find the flaps? - Yeah.
- Okay, give me one notch.
One notch.
- You see the one little green light? - No.
- Now I do.
- Landing gear is down.
You should see the airport out there on the coast.
All right, give me one more notch.
One more notch.
We don't see any land, fellas.
How much fuel have we got, Face? Uh, uh 3,500 pounds.
Oh that's six minutes.
You'll make visual contact anytime now, Smith.
Keep the yoke moving forward.
Get the nose down.
You're gonna have to lose some altitude.
If we lose any more altitude, we're gonna be waterskiing.
What is our altitude and airspeed? Uh, 2,200 feet, 190 knots.
All right, try to hold that.
[Hannibal.]
l"ve got visual contact.
Uh, full flaps.
Don't go below 140 on the airspeed, though.
Full flaps.
I got, uh, 150.
Bring the nose up a little.
All right, clear that runway and get some emergency units out there.
We've only got enough fuel to do this once, and we're coming in.
Get our emergency units out to runway seven-right.
Face, if we crash We gonna crash! We gonna crash! Face, get him off me! Get him off me! Sorry, fellas.
I lost my head.
- Fasten your seat belts.
- Keep the nose down! [Alarm Blaring.]
Uh, I, uh I think we"re about out of fuel.
[Engine Decelerating.]
Yeah, we're definitely out of fuel.
- [Murdock.]
Altitude? - One hundred feet.
[Alarm Continues Blaring.]
When you think you're gonna hit the runway, you pull back on that yoke as hard as you can.
Okay, stand by.
Stand by.
Here we go.
Forward! Go forward with that yoke! Reverse your thrusters! Get on the brakes, Smith! - Hit the brakes! - Where are they? I got 'em! Okay, get your heads down! Maybe they'll let me fly one of these birds, now that I'm not crazy any more.
See, B.
A.
? Flying isn't so bad.
Hello.
B.
A.
? I love it when a plan comes together.
It's been almost a week, and I still ain't recovered from that.
- Me neither.
- How's the swelling? Oh, it's goin' down.
I can see all right now.
I hope I never see you again.
By the way, B.
A.
, I thought that now that I'm not nuts any more, maybe you and I could room together.
On the other hand, good fences do make good neighbours.
- How'd we make out, Face? - How'd we make out? Lousy.
One percent of the ransom.
Fifty thousand dollars, right? Split that five ways, that's 10 grand apiece.
Now, we each put half of our take into our retirement programmes and hold back a third for taxes.
[Allen.]
Since when are we paying taxes? [B.
A.
.]
We don"t pay taxes.
Various expenses fees, insurance, medical, et cetera, et cetera, et cetera.
That leaves us with $236.
- Apiece? - No, no, no.
All together.
[Sighs.]
We're almost there, Murdock.
Now, go in there and get your stuff.
Don't mess around.
You know, I'm really gonna miss this place and those warm nights in post-shock carvin' birds out of soap with blunt Popsicle sticks.
Well, they ain't gonna miss you.
Now get goin'.
Hi, Doc.
Murdock! I want you to tell these gentlemen that I am an emissary from the planet Fargo and that I am here to release Commander Gutar from the enemies of the Dark Star.
- Huh? - You Murdock? - Sometimes.
- We've been looking all over for you, chief.
Now, Dr Nutball here released all of his patients.
[lmitating Richard Burton.]
No! My good sir, this doctor has released me because I'm sane! - I have papers and everything! - Just take it easy.
No! No! Tell 'em! Tell 'em, Doc! Tell 'em! Oh, I've tried! But these men do not speak the code! They are ignorant of the ways of our galaxy! - What galaxy? - Our galaxy.
Courage, Murdock! Let me show you my release papers.
You see? "Sane.
" S-A-N-E! Sound! Sensible! Wise! Rational! Lucid! Prudent! Reasonable! [Murdock.]
Home! Home at last!