The Cleveland Show s01e13 Episode Script

[SINGING.]
My name is Cleveland Brown And I am proud to be Right back in my hometown With my new family There's old friends and new friends And even a bear Through good times and bad times It's true love we share And so I found a place Where everyone will know My happy mustache face This is The Cleveland Show [CHUCKLES.]
Ah, Stoolfest.
A magical time of year when hobos and drug addicts are made up as clowns and put in charge of dangerous rides.
[PEOPLE SCREAMING.]
Huh.
Farmer.
Can you believe that's still a job? [ALL LAUGH.]
Yeah! Whoo! Teacups! AC-DC! I'd rather see some D-cups.
Or C-cups.
Hell, I don't even mind B-cups if they're real.
I don't want no nippy little A-cups though.
Well, we failed to bond yet again.
I'm gonna go to the arcade.
Here.
Here's 10 bucks.
Enjoy yourself.
Don't get kidnapped.
[PHONE RINGS.]
- Holla.
- Cleve bro, Holt.
- Hey, get over here.
- Not gonna be able to make it.
What? You've been talking about Stoolfest for weeks.
- Where are you? - Crosswinds Outlet with my mom.
Sucks.
WOMAN: Holt, can you see through this skirt? Ugh! Oh, God.
Sounds like you got your hands full.
Look, man, I gotta go.
Night Ranger's playing a free concert.
Ranger's there? Oh, son of a bitch.
WOMAN: That's it.
We're not going to Van Heusen.
Mom, you know I need shirts.
What's this? "Hit three shots, win a fish"? I could use a fish.
What? Nobody's ever made all three.
I'm on to you.
Over-inflated ball, small rim.
But your tricks can't stop Rallo's game.
Now give me my fish.
Your name is Rockwell.
You are my new best friend.
I love you.
Be out of town tomorrow.
You make me sick.
Rockwell, sit.
Stay here while I fill your new home with water.
Ow, ow! Stop the fight.
You're gonna cause lasting brain damage.
Ow! Ow! Junior, no! [SCREAMS.]
You drank my fish! You drank my fish! I warned you not to put things in his eating radius.
- Did you chew him? - No.
That hypnotist conditioned me not to chew when I drink anymore.
Well, then maybe he's living inside you.
- Like a baby? - Yeah.
Except this baby's gonna be born out the back.
I heard that's how Danny Bonaduce was born.
Ha-ha-ha.
Out the butt.
I can't believe I missed Stoolfest because of my stupid mom.
Ha! You're whipped by your mom.
[MIMICS WHIP CRACK.]
[ALL MIMICKING WHIP CRACK.]
[ALL LAUGHING.]
Shut up! I call the shots in our relationship.
Horse pucky! Then how come your mom never lets you come to poker night? It starts at 9.
That's late! Holt, maybe it's not my place.
But you can't live like this.
What the hell am I supposed to do? She's my mom.
You're a big short man.
Man up.
Talk to her.
Lay down the law and let her know you're not a boy anymore.
You're right, Cleveland.
I'm a man.
I'm gonna tell my mommy she can't mess with Holt Anne Richter.
[BOTH LAUGHING.]
- Dutch oven.
- Aah! - Let me out.
- Ha-ha-ha.
Just kidding.
The Dutch don't cook their food by trapping farts in a blanket.
I don't think.
I mean, they couldn't possibly do that, could they? [CRASH.]
What's that? [GRUMBLING.]
DONNA: It's Holt.
He's all worked up like lan McKellen at a high-school wrestling match.
Oh, yeah.
I convinced him to set his mom straight.
HOLT: We're done! You're not the boss of me! Oh, my God.
Cleveland, come look at this.
Now, how you get a pimple on your thigh? I'm sorry.
I'll always love you.
Cleveland, he's killing his mother.
[IMITATING TIM.]
Oh, that's so crazy.
Let me take a look, huh? [GRUNTING.]
- Huh.
That is odd.
- It's more than odd, Cleveland.
It's murder.
ANNOUNCER: Hart to Hart will return in a moment.
Do you still think Holt murdered his mother or are you looking for my breakfast out there? Because it sure ain't in the kitchen.
Joke all you want.
But I watch all three CSI's, Miami, New York and regular.
And I'm telling you this was an inside job.
- What's gotten into you? - I have a desk job, Cleveland.
All I do every day is watch crime shows on Hulu and read mysteries.
That's all anyone with a desk job does.
If it makes you feel better, I'll go down to The Stool get shellacked, and ask Holt if he murdered his mom.
No.
Don't just ask him.
Be subtle, like Garrison Keillor.
And then Mrs.
Clarrington called us back from the fishing hole to offer us a slice of her famous rhubarb cobbler.
[ALL LAUGHING.]
I've never hated white people more.
So anyone do anything interesting last night from 11:37 to 11:45 p.
M? I was just, uh, wearing a mud mask, writing down what I'm grateful for.
Listened to AM radio and yanked it on the nines.
Nice.
I took care of some business myself.
- Ugh, unh.
- Interesting.
[HOLT GRUNTING.]
I talked to my mom like you said and she went away for a while.
What do you mean "went away"? Let's just say you set me straight yesterday, made me realize what I needed to do.
And now I'm a free man, thanks to you.
[LAUGHING.]
Time to feed our baby.
Open up.
- I'm still hungry.
- It says you only get one pinch.
- I know.
But I'm eating for two.
- Sold.
Ha, ha.
I think I feel him kicking.
I've never seen you look so beautiful, Cleveland Jr.
You're glowing.
Don't forget.
You have to get him to confess and lead you to the body.
We'll follow closely behind.
Holt will be okay in prison, right? A petite, boyish, fitness nut with a crotch-high head? Oh, yeah.
He'll be the most popular guy in there.
He's gonna get tore up, isn't he? Listen, we need to talk.
Holt, I saw everything.
The body, the carpet, the car ride.
What was I supposed to do? I was desperate! I know it was wrong! I buried her near the north bank of the river.
Take me there in your red Crossfire with the McCain/Palin sticker on the back window.
She's over here.
I want you to know I'm sorry.
- For what? - For this.
She's here! The body's here! Over here! [SIRENS WAILING.]
What the hell? Dog pile.
I'm sorry, Holt.
But you have to pay for what you did.
Thou doth be judgeth by he who bringeth ambrosia to the shores of Galilee lest ye removeth the plank from thine eternal Bounty the quicker picker upper.
Or Brawny, whose tag line I do notteth remember.
But I do recollecteth the lumberjack on the wrapper.
You're going to jail.
- I got something.
- No.
No, no, no.
This is bad.
This is bad.
This is bad.
Wait a sec.
That's not your mom.
It's a sex doll.
Repeat.
Just a sex doll.
Repeat again.
A doll for sex.
So move on in.
Something to see here, people.
Something to see.
T-shirts! Get your "Holt Richter has sex with dolls" T-shirts! [GROANS.]
- I'm sorry, Holt.
- It's not your fault.
I'm gonna tell you something right now that I've never told anybody.
- I've never actually had a girlfriend.
- Really? Oh, really? When I bought Kimmy, it started out as a joke.
You know, a $7000 joke.
- Why'd you bury Kimmy? - I thought about what you said.
I stood up to my mom and sent her on a vacation.
Which gave me time to realize my relationship with Kimmy wasn't healthy.
So we had a goodbye three-way with a beanbag chair.
Then I pretended to choke her to death, rolled her in a rug and gave her a proper burial in a hastily dug shallow grave down by the river.
- That's cool.
- Well, that's the last I'll know of love.
Hey, at least you had a taste.
Tell you what I'm gonna do, Holt.
First thing tomorrow, I'm gonna find a girl for you, a live one, a cute one.
One who can clean herself when you're done, unless she had no arms.
I'll try to find you one with arms.
You have my word I'll try to find you one with arms.
So I figured you could help me find a date for Holt.
I haven't nailed that new chick yet.
- Hi, I'm Cleveland.
- I'm Jane.
- Pleasure.
Are all these cats yours? - I wish.
Heh-heh-heh.
Neat.
I think the pictures of the cats answer this question, but are you single? [SIGHS.]
I'm just trying to learn who I am without a man.
But I think I might be able to do that better with a man.
You know leap year Virgos.
Ha-ha-ha.
Bingo.
Janey, I have a date for you.
[PHONE RINGS.]
JANE [ON ANSWERING MACHINE.]
: Hi, guys.
It's me.
Sorry to interrupt Guiding Light.
Just wanted to share the good news.
We've got a date.
He's a friend of a friend of a guy I work with.
And he Still nothing? It's been days, man.
I wish you would have to carry him for just one day so you would know how it feels.
- I'm doing what I can.
You know how many to find those stupid grape-jelly Pop Tarts you were craving? Oh, so you're saying I'm fat.
[CRYING.]
Ugh! I can't say anything.
I'm taking a walk.
I wish you never even swallowed my fish.
I'm glad you swallowed the fish.
I love you.
I had chicken pox as an adult.
Almost died.
Didn't care.
Knocked out Band of Brothers in a weekend.
Cool.
Heh.
- Are you sitting in a booster seat? - No.
Heh.
No.
Children sit in booster seats.
This is called "The Executive.
" Bought it at SkyMall.
Same one Bono has.
Oh, my God.
You like music? I like music too.
- What's your favorite group? - Beatles.
No way.
Me too.
- Have you heard Abbey Road? Kicks ass.
- Bought it today.
You know what? If you like The Beatles, you will love this band called Nickelback.
- Do you have some? - Only, like, a whole CD in my car.
Well, let's go.
I haven't seen Holt in a week.
Now, I don't wanna sound like a queer or nothing but I miss him.
[IN HIGH-PITCHED VOICE.]
I miss him too.
Ha-ha-ha.
Just teasing.
I think he's fallen in amour, thanks to moi! Cleveland, how many mimosas have you had? - Quatorze or quinze.
- Here they come.
[DOORBELL RINGS.]
Sorry we're late.
We would have been here on time but someone's a little jerk.
[LAUGHING.]
Hey, guys.
Can I take your coats and sunglasses? - I'm fine.
- Come on, Holt.
Only dipwads like Jack Nicholson and the entire rap community wear sunglasses inside.
I said I'm fine.
[ALL GASP.]
Holt fell on a pair of binoculars.
Isn't that right, Holt? I said isn't that right? She's right.
A bird-watching accident.
That's right.
Bird-watching accident.
You like watching birds? You like looking at their little bird weenies? Yeah, you do, don't you? You're a weird little bird queer, Holt.
So, Holt, we're worried that you and Jane might be having problems.
Problems? Since when is getting too much hey-nonny-nonny a problem? Jane's texting me.
I've got thirty seconds to call her back or else I get hit with evening rates.
I'll tell you something.
You could travel all the way to Egypt and you wouldn't see "de-Nile" like that.
Shut the fuck up, Tim.
I got Holt into this mess and I'm gonna get him out of it.
I'm gonna go tell Jane to: [AS TONY MONTANA.]
"Say goodbye to my little friend.
" God, black guys love Scarface.
They cannot stop talking about it.
[DOORBELL RINGS.]
Hi, Cleveland.
What are you doing here? Now, you listen here.
You're not gonna lay another finger on Holt.
In fact, you're gonna call him and tell him it's over.
Well, I'm sorry you feel that way.
Let's talk more about this.
But first, I'd like to give you a sandwich.
Really? Well, I am a little peckish.
Wait a minute.
Is this gonna be a knuckle sand Ugh! How about a little Hawaiian Punch to wash it down with? I am a little parched.
Wait a min Ow! So how did it go? Did she agree to stay away from Holt? Does it look like it, Boo-Boo? And I couldn't even hit her back because she's a girl.
I'll handle this.
You tell her she still owes me a sandwich.
And a glass of Hawaiian Punch.
Hi, Jane.
You know, according to Ecclesiastes 12:16 JANE: Ugh! - Ow, my snout.
Not in the face.
Ow! But not the nads.
[BOTH GRUNTING.]
And those are just several of the rumors about David Geffen.
[PHONE BEEPING.]
Oh, God.
This is it.
This is really happening.
- How close are you? - I'm crowning.
Okay, remember your breathing.
Turn that off.
I look awful.
I'm not wearing any makeup.
All right.
- You want an Anacin? - No.
I want to do it all natural.
- All right, push, push.
- Ugh! Just give me the damn Anacin.
- You don't need it.
- I do.
One more push.
- Big one.
- Ugh, ugh.
[PANTING.]
[GROANING.]
[CRYING.]
- You did it, Junior.
- We did it, Rallo.
Now let's have a look at our little guy.
Oh, boy! - Did he make it? - Uh, this is unclear.
- That's an awful mess.
- Yes, it is.
Looks like something you'd eat if you lived in Louisiana.
Yes, it does.
- May I? - You may.
I hate that it turned out this way.
I'm glad we went through this together.
Uh-oh.
Here comes the afterbirth.
[SCREAMING.]
[KNOCKING.]
Hi, Cleveland.
Sorry about before.
Ha-ha-ha.
Hope you're okay.
But then again, you kind of made me do it.
Anyway, I'm gonna have to borrow Holt from you guys.
- No.
- I'm sorry? I said no.
Not going with you.
"Won't back down.
" Petty.
Heartbreakers.
Full Moon Fever.
Holt, I'm going to count to three.
And if we're not heading out the door for tapas and mojitos then I am going to get a little bit upset.
My curios! Let's go.
[GROANS.]
What the hell is going on down there? Sweet corn in the morning! What happened to you guys? It was, ahem, ahem.
We tried to get her to stop hitting Holt and she beat the respective craps out of us.
She beat up all of you? Well, what were we supposed to do? We can't hit a girl.
Well, I understand.
I never hit a girl either.
- But I will smack the white off a bitch.
- Ugh! Nobody hurts my man.
[BOTH GRUNTING.]
My knickknacks! [JOAN JETT'S "BAD REPUTATION" PLAYING.]
Hope you like Law & Order.
I don't give a damn About my reputation You really should spring for the cordless.
A girl can do What she wants to do And that's what I'm gonna do And I don't give a damn About my bad reputation No, no, no, no No, no, no, no Not me Me, me, me, me, me, me I don't give a damn About my reputation ALL [CHANTING.]
: Donna! Donna! Donna! Spin her by the boobs again! Mulch! Mulch! You're weak! Just like your man! [BEAR GROWLS.]
That is for my Tim.
KENDRA: And this is for my Lester! And don't you ever come back.
I'm going back to JDate, where people get me.
Oh, Donna.
You were magnificent.
- Yeah.
- I'm gonna shave my legs tonight.
Thanks, ladies.
Must be nice having a special woman in your life.
- What's up? - There's a certain young lady who wants to see you.
- Done with women.
Working on myself.
Come on, you knucklehead.
Hope you weren't planning on getting any reading done tonight.
Kimmy! But how? I bought her at a police auction for 18 bucks.
She cost 7 grand.
Yeah.
I reckon they're not worth as much used.
[JOE COCKER'S "UP WHERE WE BELONG" PLAYING.]
Love lift us up where we belong Where the eagles fly [ALL CHEERING.]
On a mountain high Love lift us up where we belong The heart settles for what the heart can get.
Where the clear winds blow