The Crazy Ones s01e13 Episode Script
Outbreak
A factory mix-up with the voice box of popular Girlfriends doll Randi Jenkins has caused the company to issue a recall.
Look, Mommy! Oh, let's see what she says, honey.
Kill Mommy! Now, though the company insists that the doll was simply saying, the Spanish phrase, "Quiero, Mami," it has left a lot of frightened families saying, "No comprendé.
" At least you know this little girl will have a future in horror films.
This is a disaster for the company.
It's worse than the time Barbie said math was hard.
Math is the least of her worries.
She lives in Malibu.
It's always on fire.
We need your help.
Randi Jenkins was our-our top seller, and-and we are not going to let her you go down without a fight.
Well, uh, perhaps America just needs to be reminded what a national treasure you have here in Randi, and how her eyes which never seem to leave you - uh, light up a room.
- Great.
We can rehab her, Garrett.
Would you like some tea? America loves a second act.
I mean, who among us hasn't recovered from an ill-timed Katrina pun or flashing the fertile crescent while getting out of a limo? If I could learn not to wear a kilt to a business meeting, little Randi can learn to keep her murderous thoughts to herself.
Yeah, move over Adam Levine, see ya later, big guy.
America's got a new sweetheart.
How about this? A national apology tour with Randi Jenkins - as the grand marshal.
- Yeah, we can do mall appearances, radio spots.
Essentially reintroduce her - to the country.
- Randi loved malls.
So what do you say? Are you ready for us to dig you out of the hole that Randi's little potty mouth has put you in? We need the campaign by Friday.
Done and done.
Well, then I guess it's safe to say all eight of us are in agreement.
- Okay.
- One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight.
Mister, are you a doll? A lot of people think I am.
Can I touch your hair? Uh, yeah, just, uh, be careful.
Uh, I think this is yours.
Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh Oh, oh-oh-oh-oh-oh Oh, oh, oh Oh, oh, oh, oh.
Good morning.
Hello.
You're looking pretty chipper.
Have another dream about One Direction? No, and I told you that in confidence.
And every one of those boys is of legal age now, so it's not even wrong.
Yeah, I'm in a good mood, but we don't have to talk about it.
Oh, it's about a guy.
Come on, Syd.
We're friends.
We're past all that weird stuff.
You can tell me.
It is not a big deal.
I just have a first date with some guy on Friday.
Some guy?! He's a doctor and so hot.
They met a month ago at a party, had crazy chemistry.
The both like popcorn shrimp, The Container Store, and Debbie Gibson.
I mean, if you like one, chances are you're gonna like the others.
Ah, cool.
I think that's great.
You're getting out there, playing the field casually.
Casually?! Girl is planning to lock it down! I mean, this is her moment.
He broke up with his fiancée eight months ago, has had two rebounds since, and now is in the perfect zone to commit to a woman named this bitch.
I mean, my boss, Sydney.
She's exaggerating.
I didn't say that exactly like that.
Two rebounds in eight months.
He sounds like a player.
Is it such a big deal these days to be a doctor? Pediatrician.
Oh, so he's not qualified to work on adults then.
He is pretty amazing.
He's a triathlete, he likes Court TV, and in his free time, sommeliers.
Not a verb.
And best of all, they're both workaholics, so all their sex will be "miss you" sex.
Gosh, I'm glad I asked you to move everything from that pile to that pile.
Look, Syd, he sounds incredible.
Just don't get your hopes up too high.
You know, no plan is foolproof.
Oh, my God, I don't have a plan.
So we go out on Friday, maybe his kisses me, and then, you know, I hold out for the goods till, like, date six; let him know I'm a lady.
And sure, you know, we get engaged over Thanksgiving when his mother gives us a blessing after a last-minute save of her dry turkey.
I wrap it in bacon.
But I mean, it's not like I have us marching down the aisle to a string quartet playing a classically arranged version of Debbie Gibson's Because I'm not insane.
Clearly not insane.
Sydney, listen, I know you have a lot going on, but I need you to take on the Girlfriends print ads, too.
Brad and Asian Brad just called in sick.
Oh, Lindsay and Dawn just called in sick, too.
You know, I offered free flu shots last month.
No one came.
I blame Jenny McCarthy.
I blame Zach.
That little girl coughed right in your face yesterday.
Did no one teach you how to vampire cough into your arm? No.
No, my mom always said my germs were sweet.
She lied.
Go home.
You can't leave.
We're already short-staffed.
He's right.
We need all hands on deck for this apology tour.
- And I hate being alone when I'm sick.
- Me, too.
Dad, Kyle and I have been trying to schedule this date forever.
If somebody gets me sick and I miss Friday, some other girl is just gonna snatch him up.
Don't you want grandkids? Yes, but I want Zach more.
That sounds wrong.
I want grandkids, but I want Zach more.
You just said the same thing.
Sounded different in my mind.
Okay, fine.
People can stay and work.
But anyone who's sick gets separated from the gen pop.
So into your cage, outbreak monkey.
You're gonna quarantine me? Come on, Sneezy.
Grumpy has spoken.
I'm not sick; it's like a baby's cough.
Yeah, a baby who smokes a pack a day.
Guys, you're being a little over the top.
I'm not sick.
I feel fine.
- I feel fine.
- Uhhuh.
Lock it down.
Whew! Okay.
Okay, that's not gonna keep me in here.
You know that right? It doesn't even This isn't natural, okay? God didn't make me to be alone, guys.
Simon, can I come in? I promise I'm not sick.
Oh, please, I've flatlined three times, dear.
The flu is like a flea fart in a hurricane to me.
Oh.
What can I do you for? Well, as you know, I'm a huge fan of the Girlfriends dolls.
I've collected them since I was a kid.
And since the office is so shorthanded, I'd like to help coordinate the apology tour at the Girlfriends store.
Well pardon-mo.
Sorry, Lauren.
I'm back.
Apology tour.
Keep going.
Well, we can invite the girl from the YouTube video.
What better way to apologize to America than to first say I'm sorry to her sad little face? - That is a fantastic idea.
- Oh.
I wish I'd come up with it myself.
Actually, I did.
I'm sure you'll vouch for me, won't you? Oh, uh, yes, of course I will.
Ha! Loyalty test! You just passed! - Oh, yay! - You'll be working with Marsha for in-store promotions.
And if you need help, Zach's in the conference room.
Thank you so much, Simon.
I promise I won't let you down.
- It's your time to shine, baby.
- Thanks.
Shh, it's our secret.
What are you doing? Aren't you banish-ed? Shh-shh.
The headmistress will hear you.
I got hungry.
Do you know how to cut the corners off of grilled cheese? Yeah, I do.
I'm not gonna bite it into the shape - of a heart for you, though.
- That's hurtful.
Sorry.
So what do you think about the whole Sydney "I'm gonna lock down Kyle" situation? - That's weird, right? - No, girl needs a win.
Her last date took her to Chili's, bowling, then to the symphony with special guest Yo-Yo Ma.
That was me.
We had a friend night out.
So the story's even sadder than I thought.
We were in the presence of a master cellist.
The point is, she's moving so fast, it's like she's planning out her whole life with this guy.
It's-It's uncomfortable to watch, right? Ah, so it's like that, huh? Well, what do you care? Aren't you back on with Nancy? Oh, she gave me a chore wheel.
A man draws a line somewhere.
Whew.
Glad you made it out.
Thanks.
Glad to be here.
But what about this whole Sydney thing? I mean, it's weird, right? Well, clearly, you know, you two have a thing with the tragic friend dates and all the looks.
What, she looks at me? Yeah.
The only problem is you two never look at each other at the same time.
What, I should try to make that happen? I'm not really sure it matters, but once she goes on that date with Dr.
Kyle, it's anyone's game.
Well, really, it's his game.
He'll be the winner of that game.
Will you feel my forehead? No.
So what would I do? I can't upend the date.
That would be sophomoric.
And it's unnecessary.
He's not perfect, right? Well, let's see.
He's a six-foot-two triathlete who occasionally sommeliers.
It's not a verb.
It's a profession.
You don't say, "Hey, Mr.
President, have fun presidenting today.
" You know, for a guy who knows his verbs, I don't see you doing anything.
Whew! "Murder-suicide rate among doctors" "on the rise with no ceiling in sight.
Half their victims are their spouses"? Yeesh! Hey, Syd, you want to borrow this? Mm.
I'm no longer accepting paper.
All communication is to be done in electronic form.
Ms.
Roberts, can you sign this? Oh! Forge it! Hmm Kyle just sent me a selfie.
What do I do? Ooh, send him one back, but no face if you're gonna do a boob shot.
Thank you for watching my back.
And my front.
Does Kyle have a fetish for SARS? Oh.
Damn it, Andrew! Every one? Okay.
This bitch is gonna lock it down! Footsteps, footsteps.
Shh! Simon, I have a preliminary itinerary for the event What's going on? I've been hiding Osama bin Hacking from the Sydney drone.
- Shh.
- I needed him, okay? Listen, we came up with an idea for an online contest where girls across America record their best Do the voice, do the voice.
- Okay, okay.
I'm "sowwy.
" - And the best, "I'm sowwy" gets to be the voice of a limited- edition Randi Jenkins doll.
And to test it out, we hacked into Randi's voice box.
Oh, there he is! There he is! When Andrew hears the lines we recorded, he's gonna be terrified.
Now wait for it.
Wait for it.
I like your blue-striped pajamas, Andrew.
It creeped him out.
He's creeped out, he's creeped out.
Oh, Zach, you are sick.
Do not come near me.
So you're treating me like a leper, too, now? What about the sexy times we had, huh? We swapped more than oxygen, young lady.
She's right.
If Syd sees you, she'll flip.
Get back to work in District 9.
As for you, Marsha's sick.
You're gonna be in charge of the whole event.
Are you up for this, lady? - Yes.
- Okay, first of all, you have to coordinate the guest list.
Get all the press passes in order and make sure that all three of these dolls make it back to the store for the event.
And no stopping for ice cweam or twamp stamps, okay? - I won't.
- Okay.
Good luck.
Hey, Lauren, this is a big deal, yeah.
Yeah, do you want me to help you? I can pitch while you flush my nasal passages with my Neti Pot.
I can handle this on my own.
Okay, fine.
Maybe just the Neti Pot then, but there's gonna be some pretty unpleasant stuff that comes out of me, so when I say so you have to look away, because I don't want to spoil what I imagine is a pretty perfect image of me.
Zach, I'm not touching you, okay? Go away! - I can't afford to get - Uhoh.
I'm not sick.
This is my moment.
Now get back in there with your kind.
No one is immune to this.
It's coming for you.
It's coming for you.
Mm.
Okay.
So the kickoff is this afternoon, and then the radio spots are gonna roll out this weekend, And then Monday we launch the Forgive and Forget campaign.
Right.
Which is where? What is that? Glass of water, three-e-urths full.
Okay, but why did you put it there? I didn't touch it.
I didn't uh, Zach, tell her.
I don't know what she's accusing me of.
Guys, I What are you talking about? Somebody just come in here - and rub my head, please.
- I'll do it.
No, Fern, leave me alone, back to work.
Are you trying to get me sick? What? No.
Why would I want to do that? Because you don't want me to go out with Kyle.
Aw, come on.
- That's ridic.
- That is why you've been acting so weird all week.
Handing me articles on suicide, photobombing all of my pictures I was filling in the blank space.
- I know how to stage a selfie.
- Ah I thought we were past this.
We are.
Look, you're just moving so fast with this guy that you barely even know I know a lot about him.
I mean, he gardens, - he cooks - Oh, yeah, and he triathletes, he pediatrishes, we get it.
- Are you jealous? - What? No I'm not jealous.
But you can't deny the fact that no matter how many times we say "we're just friends," there's something else between us, and I'm not the only one who thinks that.
Oh, please, let's not talk about this.
Well, tell me I'm wrong.
Just say it, because my affections and wishes are unchanged, but one word from you will silence me on this subject forever.
That's from Pride and Prejudice.
So? Jane Austen doesn't own words.
Go ahead.
Tell me.
Okay, yes, but please, could we just not do this, not now? Not now, but maybe you'd go for it in the future? Say, when you've run out of better choices? I didn't say that.
No, I get it.
I'm your backup guy.
You're putting words in my mouth.
Mean words.
That's great.
Well, guess what.
It's over.
I'm ending our future relationship.
- You can't do that.
- I just did it.
But we don't even have a relationship.
Yeah, because it's in the future.
A future which now no longer exists.
Okay, fine.
You want to know what I think about when I think about us? I think about what happens if it doesn't work out.
Then what? I mean, we just go back to being friends? You know, and then suddenly you stop making fun of me for the beach blazer, and I stop telling you that peeling an orange in one piece is not a superpower, it's OCD? Because now, all of a sudden, everything is laden with stuff.
And then we-we stop hanging out and the next thing that I know, I've lost my best friend.
Why are you asking me to take that chance? You're right.
I'm sorry.
Shh.
That's my phone.
Where is it? It's Kyle calling.
Wait, is that Debbie Gibson's - "Lost in Your Eyes"? You didn't - No judging, just looking, okay? He could be calling to reschedule.
I thought it was mine.
I'm sowwy.
I-I can't go in there.
No.
But I can.
I see the sexual harassment seminar was more of a how-to workshop for you, Fern.
Hello, friend.
It's easier if you don't fight.
The illness, that is, not Fern.
Always fight Fern.
You sacrificed your health for me.
That's what friends are for.
Thank you, Andrew.
Now put the phone down and step away.
As Mr.
Bennett told his daughter in P and P, I have been a selfish being all my life in practice, though not in principle.
It is a beautiful day for an apology tour, and although we all wish this unfortunate incident didn't happen, I'd be lying if I said.
Randi didn't love all this attention.
You talk about her like she's a real person.
I'm sorry? Look how happy that little girl from YouTube is.
Looks like she finally got a handle on - her PTSD.
- It's all you.
And a My Little Pony Prozac.
Zach, my man.
I'm here with Lauren, the woman of the hour.
Hey, listen, Simon, where's the mean Randi Jenkins doll? This one just says, "I'm beautiful," and that's not gonna scare Andrew.
Lauren, which dolls did you send back? Um, three of them, like you asked.
Uh-huh.
- Oh, no.
- No.
And now, I give you the new, improved.
Sweet Randi Jenkins.
You're beautiful on the inside.
Not that one.
I'm so glad we're friend again.
Oh, no, not that poor, unstable girl.
Excuse me, excuse me, coming through.
Hey, everybody! How we doing here today? How we doing? Hello, kids.
You having a good time today? Hey! Give yourself a round of applause.
And give this man a round of applause for having the courage to wear that mustard vest, huh? How about that? - Okay.
- What's going on? I have no idea.
I would hardly call that mustard.
- Sweetheart, can I borrow your doll? - No.
Well, how about if I give you a quarter? I-I have a quarter here somewhere.
This is literally the poster for "stranger danger.
" I told you.
She's mine, and I want to hear what she says.
Oh, no, you don't, you really don't.
You'd look better with no eyes.
- Now it's my turn - You know what "déjà vu" means? to cut your hair.
Please, can I just borrow the doll from you? You can't see my teeth, but you'll feel them.
Nobody loves you.
Now, you see? You're gonna love me when you're dead.
She's really not friendly.
Can I borrow her just for a second? I want to stick pencils in your ears.
There's got to be a button somewhere.
I'll save your dog for last.
Ooh, stop hearing.
You can't scream without a tongue.
- What's your blood type? - Stop, stop, stop! Mine's hungry.
Your insides will be fun to eat.
Don't make me do this.
I'll see you in hell.
Looking in your eyes I see a paradise This world that I've found Is too good to be true Standing here beside you Want so much to give you This love in my heart That I'm feeling for you Let 'em see we're crazy I don't care about that Aw they're cheering me on.
Keep up the good work, you guys! Let the world around us Well, look to the bright side, buddy: you, you have me, and I need help with this Neti Pot.
We can build this thing together Standin' strong forever Nothing's gonna stop us now Hey You didn't vampire cough? Oh.
I-I usually do.
I I'm actually very good at it.
See? No, I I'm not sick.
I-I'm sorry, I really I can't take a chance.
You know, for the sake of the children.
But we'll reschedule.
I have a mask.
Have we met? Hey.
Need any help? Oh.
Yeah, I guess.
- Here you go.
- Simon, I just want you to know what an honor it has been to work for you.
In the future, every time I make a half-caf breve latte with an ironic foam design of my choosing, I'll think of you.
That is so sweet.
But where are you going? You're firing me.
That's why we're packing my stuff.
Oh, I thought you were stealing.
I can't fire you.
I need you to help with the apology tour for the apology tour.
Girlfriends didn't let us go? Oh, no.
Turns out Garrett believes everything that Randi Jenkins says.
Lewis, Roberts & Roberts is the premier agency in this town.
If they go, I go.
We got 'em.
But I blew my one big moment.
Oh, no, no.
Your big moment was a year ago, sitting across from me in my office and handing me a four-page résumé.
Can type 80 words a minute Can field-dress a moose Can forge any signature after only seeing it once? Well, this I gotta see.
Right.
When I hired you, I knew there'd be a lot of moments and I can't wait to see what's next.
Yeah.
Come on.
Let's unpack.
Sorry about your date.
Oh, that's okay.
I'm not sure I even believe that stuff anyway.
Fate, timing Life is just random chaos, and then you die.
Hey, hey.
Come on, save it for your children's book.
I just don't get it.
I mean, I took every precaution not to get sick.
I must've OD'd on Oscsclococcinum.
How did this happen? Shh I guess fate just had its own plan.
Is anyone gonna make soup? Chicken & Stars, and you could throw in some crackers.
Don't freeze me out.
Say something, please.
Shh.
I'm sowwy.
You okay? Yeah.
Okay, fine! Fine.
People can work, and they can stay not you.
You know, um I'm sowwy.
Did you hear me, guys? Shh.
Quiet.
Get me popcorn, Andrew.
I'll kill you - in your sleep.
- It's the doll.
Play right now.
Flashback funny.
Meanwhile, across town, Bill D'Elia sits at a monitor.
Flashback funny.
You hate me, don't you? I know who you are.
Oh Game over, boys and girls.
Bring in the stunt doll.
Look, Mommy! Oh, let's see what she says, honey.
Kill Mommy! Now, though the company insists that the doll was simply saying, the Spanish phrase, "Quiero, Mami," it has left a lot of frightened families saying, "No comprendé.
" At least you know this little girl will have a future in horror films.
This is a disaster for the company.
It's worse than the time Barbie said math was hard.
Math is the least of her worries.
She lives in Malibu.
It's always on fire.
We need your help.
Randi Jenkins was our-our top seller, and-and we are not going to let her you go down without a fight.
Well, uh, perhaps America just needs to be reminded what a national treasure you have here in Randi, and how her eyes which never seem to leave you - uh, light up a room.
- Great.
We can rehab her, Garrett.
Would you like some tea? America loves a second act.
I mean, who among us hasn't recovered from an ill-timed Katrina pun or flashing the fertile crescent while getting out of a limo? If I could learn not to wear a kilt to a business meeting, little Randi can learn to keep her murderous thoughts to herself.
Yeah, move over Adam Levine, see ya later, big guy.
America's got a new sweetheart.
How about this? A national apology tour with Randi Jenkins - as the grand marshal.
- Yeah, we can do mall appearances, radio spots.
Essentially reintroduce her - to the country.
- Randi loved malls.
So what do you say? Are you ready for us to dig you out of the hole that Randi's little potty mouth has put you in? We need the campaign by Friday.
Done and done.
Well, then I guess it's safe to say all eight of us are in agreement.
- Okay.
- One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight.
Mister, are you a doll? A lot of people think I am.
Can I touch your hair? Uh, yeah, just, uh, be careful.
Uh, I think this is yours.
Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh Oh, oh-oh-oh-oh-oh Oh, oh, oh Oh, oh, oh, oh.
Good morning.
Hello.
You're looking pretty chipper.
Have another dream about One Direction? No, and I told you that in confidence.
And every one of those boys is of legal age now, so it's not even wrong.
Yeah, I'm in a good mood, but we don't have to talk about it.
Oh, it's about a guy.
Come on, Syd.
We're friends.
We're past all that weird stuff.
You can tell me.
It is not a big deal.
I just have a first date with some guy on Friday.
Some guy?! He's a doctor and so hot.
They met a month ago at a party, had crazy chemistry.
The both like popcorn shrimp, The Container Store, and Debbie Gibson.
I mean, if you like one, chances are you're gonna like the others.
Ah, cool.
I think that's great.
You're getting out there, playing the field casually.
Casually?! Girl is planning to lock it down! I mean, this is her moment.
He broke up with his fiancée eight months ago, has had two rebounds since, and now is in the perfect zone to commit to a woman named this bitch.
I mean, my boss, Sydney.
She's exaggerating.
I didn't say that exactly like that.
Two rebounds in eight months.
He sounds like a player.
Is it such a big deal these days to be a doctor? Pediatrician.
Oh, so he's not qualified to work on adults then.
He is pretty amazing.
He's a triathlete, he likes Court TV, and in his free time, sommeliers.
Not a verb.
And best of all, they're both workaholics, so all their sex will be "miss you" sex.
Gosh, I'm glad I asked you to move everything from that pile to that pile.
Look, Syd, he sounds incredible.
Just don't get your hopes up too high.
You know, no plan is foolproof.
Oh, my God, I don't have a plan.
So we go out on Friday, maybe his kisses me, and then, you know, I hold out for the goods till, like, date six; let him know I'm a lady.
And sure, you know, we get engaged over Thanksgiving when his mother gives us a blessing after a last-minute save of her dry turkey.
I wrap it in bacon.
But I mean, it's not like I have us marching down the aisle to a string quartet playing a classically arranged version of Debbie Gibson's Because I'm not insane.
Clearly not insane.
Sydney, listen, I know you have a lot going on, but I need you to take on the Girlfriends print ads, too.
Brad and Asian Brad just called in sick.
Oh, Lindsay and Dawn just called in sick, too.
You know, I offered free flu shots last month.
No one came.
I blame Jenny McCarthy.
I blame Zach.
That little girl coughed right in your face yesterday.
Did no one teach you how to vampire cough into your arm? No.
No, my mom always said my germs were sweet.
She lied.
Go home.
You can't leave.
We're already short-staffed.
He's right.
We need all hands on deck for this apology tour.
- And I hate being alone when I'm sick.
- Me, too.
Dad, Kyle and I have been trying to schedule this date forever.
If somebody gets me sick and I miss Friday, some other girl is just gonna snatch him up.
Don't you want grandkids? Yes, but I want Zach more.
That sounds wrong.
I want grandkids, but I want Zach more.
You just said the same thing.
Sounded different in my mind.
Okay, fine.
People can stay and work.
But anyone who's sick gets separated from the gen pop.
So into your cage, outbreak monkey.
You're gonna quarantine me? Come on, Sneezy.
Grumpy has spoken.
I'm not sick; it's like a baby's cough.
Yeah, a baby who smokes a pack a day.
Guys, you're being a little over the top.
I'm not sick.
I feel fine.
- I feel fine.
- Uhhuh.
Lock it down.
Whew! Okay.
Okay, that's not gonna keep me in here.
You know that right? It doesn't even This isn't natural, okay? God didn't make me to be alone, guys.
Simon, can I come in? I promise I'm not sick.
Oh, please, I've flatlined three times, dear.
The flu is like a flea fart in a hurricane to me.
Oh.
What can I do you for? Well, as you know, I'm a huge fan of the Girlfriends dolls.
I've collected them since I was a kid.
And since the office is so shorthanded, I'd like to help coordinate the apology tour at the Girlfriends store.
Well pardon-mo.
Sorry, Lauren.
I'm back.
Apology tour.
Keep going.
Well, we can invite the girl from the YouTube video.
What better way to apologize to America than to first say I'm sorry to her sad little face? - That is a fantastic idea.
- Oh.
I wish I'd come up with it myself.
Actually, I did.
I'm sure you'll vouch for me, won't you? Oh, uh, yes, of course I will.
Ha! Loyalty test! You just passed! - Oh, yay! - You'll be working with Marsha for in-store promotions.
And if you need help, Zach's in the conference room.
Thank you so much, Simon.
I promise I won't let you down.
- It's your time to shine, baby.
- Thanks.
Shh, it's our secret.
What are you doing? Aren't you banish-ed? Shh-shh.
The headmistress will hear you.
I got hungry.
Do you know how to cut the corners off of grilled cheese? Yeah, I do.
I'm not gonna bite it into the shape - of a heart for you, though.
- That's hurtful.
Sorry.
So what do you think about the whole Sydney "I'm gonna lock down Kyle" situation? - That's weird, right? - No, girl needs a win.
Her last date took her to Chili's, bowling, then to the symphony with special guest Yo-Yo Ma.
That was me.
We had a friend night out.
So the story's even sadder than I thought.
We were in the presence of a master cellist.
The point is, she's moving so fast, it's like she's planning out her whole life with this guy.
It's-It's uncomfortable to watch, right? Ah, so it's like that, huh? Well, what do you care? Aren't you back on with Nancy? Oh, she gave me a chore wheel.
A man draws a line somewhere.
Whew.
Glad you made it out.
Thanks.
Glad to be here.
But what about this whole Sydney thing? I mean, it's weird, right? Well, clearly, you know, you two have a thing with the tragic friend dates and all the looks.
What, she looks at me? Yeah.
The only problem is you two never look at each other at the same time.
What, I should try to make that happen? I'm not really sure it matters, but once she goes on that date with Dr.
Kyle, it's anyone's game.
Well, really, it's his game.
He'll be the winner of that game.
Will you feel my forehead? No.
So what would I do? I can't upend the date.
That would be sophomoric.
And it's unnecessary.
He's not perfect, right? Well, let's see.
He's a six-foot-two triathlete who occasionally sommeliers.
It's not a verb.
It's a profession.
You don't say, "Hey, Mr.
President, have fun presidenting today.
" You know, for a guy who knows his verbs, I don't see you doing anything.
Whew! "Murder-suicide rate among doctors" "on the rise with no ceiling in sight.
Half their victims are their spouses"? Yeesh! Hey, Syd, you want to borrow this? Mm.
I'm no longer accepting paper.
All communication is to be done in electronic form.
Ms.
Roberts, can you sign this? Oh! Forge it! Hmm Kyle just sent me a selfie.
What do I do? Ooh, send him one back, but no face if you're gonna do a boob shot.
Thank you for watching my back.
And my front.
Does Kyle have a fetish for SARS? Oh.
Damn it, Andrew! Every one? Okay.
This bitch is gonna lock it down! Footsteps, footsteps.
Shh! Simon, I have a preliminary itinerary for the event What's going on? I've been hiding Osama bin Hacking from the Sydney drone.
- Shh.
- I needed him, okay? Listen, we came up with an idea for an online contest where girls across America record their best Do the voice, do the voice.
- Okay, okay.
I'm "sowwy.
" - And the best, "I'm sowwy" gets to be the voice of a limited- edition Randi Jenkins doll.
And to test it out, we hacked into Randi's voice box.
Oh, there he is! There he is! When Andrew hears the lines we recorded, he's gonna be terrified.
Now wait for it.
Wait for it.
I like your blue-striped pajamas, Andrew.
It creeped him out.
He's creeped out, he's creeped out.
Oh, Zach, you are sick.
Do not come near me.
So you're treating me like a leper, too, now? What about the sexy times we had, huh? We swapped more than oxygen, young lady.
She's right.
If Syd sees you, she'll flip.
Get back to work in District 9.
As for you, Marsha's sick.
You're gonna be in charge of the whole event.
Are you up for this, lady? - Yes.
- Okay, first of all, you have to coordinate the guest list.
Get all the press passes in order and make sure that all three of these dolls make it back to the store for the event.
And no stopping for ice cweam or twamp stamps, okay? - I won't.
- Okay.
Good luck.
Hey, Lauren, this is a big deal, yeah.
Yeah, do you want me to help you? I can pitch while you flush my nasal passages with my Neti Pot.
I can handle this on my own.
Okay, fine.
Maybe just the Neti Pot then, but there's gonna be some pretty unpleasant stuff that comes out of me, so when I say so you have to look away, because I don't want to spoil what I imagine is a pretty perfect image of me.
Zach, I'm not touching you, okay? Go away! - I can't afford to get - Uhoh.
I'm not sick.
This is my moment.
Now get back in there with your kind.
No one is immune to this.
It's coming for you.
It's coming for you.
Mm.
Okay.
So the kickoff is this afternoon, and then the radio spots are gonna roll out this weekend, And then Monday we launch the Forgive and Forget campaign.
Right.
Which is where? What is that? Glass of water, three-e-urths full.
Okay, but why did you put it there? I didn't touch it.
I didn't uh, Zach, tell her.
I don't know what she's accusing me of.
Guys, I What are you talking about? Somebody just come in here - and rub my head, please.
- I'll do it.
No, Fern, leave me alone, back to work.
Are you trying to get me sick? What? No.
Why would I want to do that? Because you don't want me to go out with Kyle.
Aw, come on.
- That's ridic.
- That is why you've been acting so weird all week.
Handing me articles on suicide, photobombing all of my pictures I was filling in the blank space.
- I know how to stage a selfie.
- Ah I thought we were past this.
We are.
Look, you're just moving so fast with this guy that you barely even know I know a lot about him.
I mean, he gardens, - he cooks - Oh, yeah, and he triathletes, he pediatrishes, we get it.
- Are you jealous? - What? No I'm not jealous.
But you can't deny the fact that no matter how many times we say "we're just friends," there's something else between us, and I'm not the only one who thinks that.
Oh, please, let's not talk about this.
Well, tell me I'm wrong.
Just say it, because my affections and wishes are unchanged, but one word from you will silence me on this subject forever.
That's from Pride and Prejudice.
So? Jane Austen doesn't own words.
Go ahead.
Tell me.
Okay, yes, but please, could we just not do this, not now? Not now, but maybe you'd go for it in the future? Say, when you've run out of better choices? I didn't say that.
No, I get it.
I'm your backup guy.
You're putting words in my mouth.
Mean words.
That's great.
Well, guess what.
It's over.
I'm ending our future relationship.
- You can't do that.
- I just did it.
But we don't even have a relationship.
Yeah, because it's in the future.
A future which now no longer exists.
Okay, fine.
You want to know what I think about when I think about us? I think about what happens if it doesn't work out.
Then what? I mean, we just go back to being friends? You know, and then suddenly you stop making fun of me for the beach blazer, and I stop telling you that peeling an orange in one piece is not a superpower, it's OCD? Because now, all of a sudden, everything is laden with stuff.
And then we-we stop hanging out and the next thing that I know, I've lost my best friend.
Why are you asking me to take that chance? You're right.
I'm sorry.
Shh.
That's my phone.
Where is it? It's Kyle calling.
Wait, is that Debbie Gibson's - "Lost in Your Eyes"? You didn't - No judging, just looking, okay? He could be calling to reschedule.
I thought it was mine.
I'm sowwy.
I-I can't go in there.
No.
But I can.
I see the sexual harassment seminar was more of a how-to workshop for you, Fern.
Hello, friend.
It's easier if you don't fight.
The illness, that is, not Fern.
Always fight Fern.
You sacrificed your health for me.
That's what friends are for.
Thank you, Andrew.
Now put the phone down and step away.
As Mr.
Bennett told his daughter in P and P, I have been a selfish being all my life in practice, though not in principle.
It is a beautiful day for an apology tour, and although we all wish this unfortunate incident didn't happen, I'd be lying if I said.
Randi didn't love all this attention.
You talk about her like she's a real person.
I'm sorry? Look how happy that little girl from YouTube is.
Looks like she finally got a handle on - her PTSD.
- It's all you.
And a My Little Pony Prozac.
Zach, my man.
I'm here with Lauren, the woman of the hour.
Hey, listen, Simon, where's the mean Randi Jenkins doll? This one just says, "I'm beautiful," and that's not gonna scare Andrew.
Lauren, which dolls did you send back? Um, three of them, like you asked.
Uh-huh.
- Oh, no.
- No.
And now, I give you the new, improved.
Sweet Randi Jenkins.
You're beautiful on the inside.
Not that one.
I'm so glad we're friend again.
Oh, no, not that poor, unstable girl.
Excuse me, excuse me, coming through.
Hey, everybody! How we doing here today? How we doing? Hello, kids.
You having a good time today? Hey! Give yourself a round of applause.
And give this man a round of applause for having the courage to wear that mustard vest, huh? How about that? - Okay.
- What's going on? I have no idea.
I would hardly call that mustard.
- Sweetheart, can I borrow your doll? - No.
Well, how about if I give you a quarter? I-I have a quarter here somewhere.
This is literally the poster for "stranger danger.
" I told you.
She's mine, and I want to hear what she says.
Oh, no, you don't, you really don't.
You'd look better with no eyes.
- Now it's my turn - You know what "déjà vu" means? to cut your hair.
Please, can I just borrow the doll from you? You can't see my teeth, but you'll feel them.
Nobody loves you.
Now, you see? You're gonna love me when you're dead.
She's really not friendly.
Can I borrow her just for a second? I want to stick pencils in your ears.
There's got to be a button somewhere.
I'll save your dog for last.
Ooh, stop hearing.
You can't scream without a tongue.
- What's your blood type? - Stop, stop, stop! Mine's hungry.
Your insides will be fun to eat.
Don't make me do this.
I'll see you in hell.
Looking in your eyes I see a paradise This world that I've found Is too good to be true Standing here beside you Want so much to give you This love in my heart That I'm feeling for you Let 'em see we're crazy I don't care about that Aw they're cheering me on.
Keep up the good work, you guys! Let the world around us Well, look to the bright side, buddy: you, you have me, and I need help with this Neti Pot.
We can build this thing together Standin' strong forever Nothing's gonna stop us now Hey You didn't vampire cough? Oh.
I-I usually do.
I I'm actually very good at it.
See? No, I I'm not sick.
I-I'm sorry, I really I can't take a chance.
You know, for the sake of the children.
But we'll reschedule.
I have a mask.
Have we met? Hey.
Need any help? Oh.
Yeah, I guess.
- Here you go.
- Simon, I just want you to know what an honor it has been to work for you.
In the future, every time I make a half-caf breve latte with an ironic foam design of my choosing, I'll think of you.
That is so sweet.
But where are you going? You're firing me.
That's why we're packing my stuff.
Oh, I thought you were stealing.
I can't fire you.
I need you to help with the apology tour for the apology tour.
Girlfriends didn't let us go? Oh, no.
Turns out Garrett believes everything that Randi Jenkins says.
Lewis, Roberts & Roberts is the premier agency in this town.
If they go, I go.
We got 'em.
But I blew my one big moment.
Oh, no, no.
Your big moment was a year ago, sitting across from me in my office and handing me a four-page résumé.
Can type 80 words a minute Can field-dress a moose Can forge any signature after only seeing it once? Well, this I gotta see.
Right.
When I hired you, I knew there'd be a lot of moments and I can't wait to see what's next.
Yeah.
Come on.
Let's unpack.
Sorry about your date.
Oh, that's okay.
I'm not sure I even believe that stuff anyway.
Fate, timing Life is just random chaos, and then you die.
Hey, hey.
Come on, save it for your children's book.
I just don't get it.
I mean, I took every precaution not to get sick.
I must've OD'd on Oscsclococcinum.
How did this happen? Shh I guess fate just had its own plan.
Is anyone gonna make soup? Chicken & Stars, and you could throw in some crackers.
Don't freeze me out.
Say something, please.
Shh.
I'm sowwy.
You okay? Yeah.
Okay, fine! Fine.
People can work, and they can stay not you.
You know, um I'm sowwy.
Did you hear me, guys? Shh.
Quiet.
Get me popcorn, Andrew.
I'll kill you - in your sleep.
- It's the doll.
Play right now.
Flashback funny.
Meanwhile, across town, Bill D'Elia sits at a monitor.
Flashback funny.
You hate me, don't you? I know who you are.
Oh Game over, boys and girls.
Bring in the stunt doll.