The Critic s01e13 Episode Script

1 Hello? Jay, this is Schwarzenegger.
I'm having a private screening of my new movie just for you.
It's 3:00 A.
M.
Down by the docks.
Don't bring the police.
It stinks! Good day, mates.
I'm bogart the roach.
I'm gonna tell you the story of Pinocchio, a wooden puppet who wanted to be a real boy.
When you make a real big blunder have a pint and then go chunder this film is just a rip-off.
Jay, boychik, they paid me good money to be in this cartoon.
And look who they got to do the voice of geppetto.
- Ja, that's good.
- Time for sleep.
I'll be back.
Oh, look, mate.
Here comes the beige fairy.
I flew in from San Francisco.
And boy, are my Judy garland records tired.
For shame, you've defiled a child's cartoon with evil thoughts.
Captain, I am getting some evil thoughts.
Evil thoughts? Spock, get that dribble out of your pants.
It's all right, ma.
I'm only wooden.
The animation is awful.
They just recycled mouth movements without moving the characters.
It's awful, I tell you, awful.
Take it easy, Jay.
It's just a movie, and a breakfast cereal, a soundtrack album, and a line of ultra-flammable children's sleepwear.
What's the matter with you people? You should be throwing stuff at the screen.
That's better.
Oh, no, wait.
It's mousse.
Why am I carrying mousse? I only have 3 hairs.
Oh, not you, number 2! I loved you most of all.
Ah Wow, nobody's licked my face since that hippie who thought I was a hallucinogenic toad.
You look hungry.
Yep, gonna take you home.
You see, this is one new yorker who hasn't grown cold and heartless.
Ha! The joke's on you, New York! I'm gonna get 5 cents for this bottle.
Well, nice shot, you stupid chief of police.
I'll call you "tiny," although your full name will be un chien andalou.
- Sherman residence.
- Ethel speaking.
Hi, Jay.
You coming to dinner tomorrow? You promised to help me fill out my college applications.
May I suggest Mrs.
pym's finishing school? I started there, but never finished! Ah, ha! Oh, the irony is delicious.
Now shut up! Don't hit me! Um, see you tomorrow.
Don't bring Ethel.
Hey! That's no way to behave.
Ooh, cold gravy with skin.
My first choice is mount percheron.
It's a riding academy in Kentucky.
Don't be silly, margo.
You're going to my Alma mater, l'universite francaise de hackensack.
I don't want to go to your school.
You have to go.
We've given them so much money.
They even have a statue of your father.
There's a reason there's a banana in my ear.
I'm trying to lure the monkey out of my head.
Margo, I've got it all planned.
You'll gain your Polish at hackensack "u," lose your virginity in a parking lot after a Dave brubeck concert, and become a doting wife to a man who wears underwear on his head.
Mother, you just described your own life.
Oh, good lord.
What a complete waste it was.
Well, you've made me what I am today.
Oh.
Tiny, I'm home.
Ow! Oh, guess you're hungry again.
Oh, no! He even ate my waffle shaped like Jesus.
I also had a matzo shaped like Moses.
If that's not kosher, what is? Mmm, ladies, I've begun to think my life is a crushing bore.
What do you do for stimulation? The pool man.
My tennis coach.
Wilford brimley.
A fling, eh? Well, last night I did have a hot dream about Woody harrelson.
No, wait.
It was woodrow Wilson.
I'm here to fill your pantry, Mrs.
sherman.
Fine.
Where would you like these sweet buns? Put them on my antique bun warmer.
Never mind that.
Put the cans up there.
And put the oil above the refrigerator.
I apologize.
It's my big hands.
Is there anything else you desire? Oh, I get it.
You want a tip.
Have a cookie.
Oh.
Franklin, my life is an endless gray corridor.
Mmm, I've been there, too.
Usually there's a midget making googly eyes at me.
I call him Mr.
piccolini.
I can't remember the last time I was happy.
My dear, it breaks my heart to hear you talk this way.
If there's an answer, I shall find it, I swear.
I say, Wilson, my wife is terribly depressed.
What do you think she should do? Ribbit.
Ribbit, ribbit.
Ribbit, ribbit.
My dear, I think you should rivet.
Rivet, rivet.
Franklin, this just isn't working out.
Forget the rivets, darling.
Krazy glue will hold any surface together! It's krazy! Hey, Doris, my mother's bored with her life.
What do women your age do? Die.
And square-dance.
Hmm.
eeh, ah, eeh, ah that's me! I'm afraid I'm just not enjoying this.
Mom, the whole point of this is to make new friends, like dad did.
Hey! Hey! I haven't made any friends since that chauffeur I hired.
Hoke, slow down.
You're going too fast.
I got better things to do than driving a crotchety old woman like you around.
From now on, my name isn't hoke, it's Malcolm h.
And when the revolution comes, you will not be spared.
He was my best friend.
I have an idea.
Why don't you join a charity like "save the whales"? Really.
How do you think they'd react to this? I know.
You could write a book.
A book, eh? Ok.
I'll write a book.
Perhaps a guide to etiquette and manners.
I'll start right now.
Last one out gets a butt full of lead.
You heard me, Teddy.
Put your pants on and get out.
I, uh, didn't come with pants, and I'm not leaving with pants.
Chapter one, dainty is as dainty does.
Jay, I just finished my etiquette book.
It's called: Why the poor should be blasted out into space.
You know, we have the technology.
Mom, have you shown this to anyone? Just shackleford.
Is that madam's plate? I thought I was the only one who did that.
Let's twist again like we did last supper mom, I think you should write a different book.
Oh, all right.
Hmm.
honey yeah, sugar, sugar where is my candy bar? there it is I'm gonna eat tonight Jay, you've just given me a wonderful idea for a children's book.
Really? What's it called? "Jay sherman, the little hunk that really, really could?" Oh, yeah.
Hmm.
"The fat little pig"? Hotchie motchie! It just poured out of me.
Mother, I'm dropping out of law school to become a film critic.
Oh, that's terrible.
Just rip out my liver and whip it into a scrumptious pate.
Don't mind if I do.
This whole story's about me, isn't it? No, no, a thousand times, no.
Well, yes, but so what? Mrs.
sherman, you remind me of another first-time author.
His name was Dr.
seduce, and his raunchy children's classic Morton hears his neighbors in bed made us millions.
The bottom line, Mrs.
sherman, is that I'm buying your book.
Oh, that's wonderful! Franklin, did you hear? Oh, hot diggity.
It's a pop-up book.
I'm sorry, Mr.
sherman, we only train dogs with the finest pedigrees.
Uh, I have his papers right here.
See? Husky, extra large.
Uh, Mr.
sherman, did we just rip this tag off our pants? If I ripped the tag off my pants, believe me, you'd know.
Let us take our leave before she embarrasses herself further.
"And then the Jenny Craig people said, 'we're sorry, fat little pig.
Here's your refund.
'" how can you read this trash? It's my homework.
Would you say the fat little pig represents the pig in all of us, or just you? All right.
Give me that! Sorry, dad.
Hey, what's that? A ski mask? A grappling hook? Did tiny eat a burglar? Best I can figure.
What the Fat little pig! Fat little pig! Fat pig! Here, piggy! Oink, oink! Shut up! Just shut up! I'm not the character from the book! What book? Oh, Franklin, people loved my book! My life has purpose again.
Oh, Wilson, my wife is happy again.
Hoo.
My wife, Eleanor.
Hoo.
My wife, Eleanor.
Hoo.
My wife, Eleanor.
Hoo.
My wife, Eleanor.
Hoo.
My wife, Eleanor.
Hoo.
My wife, Eleanor.
Hoo.
My wife, Eleanor.
Hoo, hoo.
Ahhh! Help! Help! Or at least put me in a better Spielberg movie! Oh, that's it! I'm finding you a new home.
Hello, and welcome to coming attractions.
Tonight, we'll be reviewing Barney the dinosaur, the motion picture.
Just look who got $10 million to play Barney.
This is so humiliating.
You know, I had to lose 100 pounds to play a dinosaur.
I can't even see through the eyeholes on this thing.
Whoa! Hey! Barney's bein' funny! No, I'm not.
I don't do comedy.
Not since the freshman, that piece of crap.
I don't know what I was thinkin', making that picture, let me tell you.
But first, the futuristic action thriller, roboclapper.
Freeze, dirt bag.
You're under a rrest.
Please don't do that.
Commercials in the movies.
Well, what's next, thigh masterpiece theater? What the we'll be right just what do you call these? Well, that there's an eatin' pig, that there's a snugglin' pig, and that there's a pig you bring home to mama.
What are they doing on the set? We're trying to capitalize on that "fat little pig" craze.
I appreciate you rolling around in your own filth before coming in this morning.
Shut up! That pig of yours is all over the country.
Oh, how wonderful.
It's not wonderful.
Look.
Good news, son.
I've found the perfect mate for you.
Her name is Barbie, and she's from Malibu.
Now, she has a boyfriend named Ken, but he's not much of a man.
I checked.
Mom, your book is ruining my life.
Now, Jay, you're only saying that because you resent my success.
You think old women should just curl up and rot away.
Oh, oh.
It's times like this that I wish I had tear ducts.
Oh.
Oh.
Oh Well, I don't know.
Maybe it's just a big thing to me.
Oink, oink.
Oink, oink.
Oink, oink.
It's not the real Jay sherman, but an incredible simulation.
Hey, vlada, you think any of your customers could give tiny a good home? Why, I would gladly take him myself.
I will not let you cook my dog.
Are you suggesting I serve him raw? Oh, it would save on the electricicals.
Give me that! Ahem, ahem, ahem, ahem, ahem, ahem.
Welcome to phillipsland, home of that log ride that makes you look like you wet your pants.
And now, the creator of the fat little pig, Ms.
Eleanor sherman.
I just want you to know that all the proceeds from this ride go to the Eleanor sherman foundation for blasting the poor into space.
We want the pig! We want the pig! We want the pig! There he is! Rub his belly! Grease him up! Make him squeal! I'm not a pig! I am a human being! And I have feelings, too.
And if you think about it, I bet there's a scared, fat little pig inside each of you.
Get him for showing us the truth about ourselves! Yeah! He's getting away! Somebody stop him! Make him squeal! Dear God, what have I done? What's going on? Eleanor sherman is signing her new book.
Why is everyone so angry? Haven't you heard? She killed off the fat little pig.
Good night, porky you made me look so dorky I hope you rot in hell how did he die, anyway? He had a heart attack while singing and doing a stupid dance.
Ooh! Mrs.
sherman, how could you kill off your own creation? Because it was hurting someone I love.
Thanks, mom.
You're welcome, sow.
I mean son.
What a nice doggie.
Sit! Wow.
He never listens to me.
I have a way with animals.
I once taught a fish to play badminton.
Match point, floppy.
Hey, why don't you take tiny? He'd be happier out in the country, and he can fill your lonely days with love.
Thank you for the dog, and thank you for the glib, self-serving solution to my fragile emotional state.
You're welcome.
Good night, critic fans, and a special good night to those of you just tuning in for home improvement.
Celebrity voices are impersonated.
No celebrities were harmed in the filming of this episode.
Excuse me, sir.
The show's over.
But I have nowhere to go.
Shh!