The Drew Carey Show (1995) s01e13 Episode Script

Drew, do you got any
Fruit Roll-Ups in here?
I'm starving.
Hey, don't eat the only
healthy thing in my lunch.
Have a little
fried Mozzarella balls.
Don't you have any
plastic wrap at home?
That's my new self-help program.
Every day, I wrap my sandwich
in an inspirational article
that I can read it
while I'm eating.
"How to hypnotize women."
Kate, you won't tell
anyone about this.
Maybe.
No, I mean, Kates
you won't tell anyone
about this.
Do you believe this guy?
Hey!
- What?
- He's sniffing my fruit roll.
Kate, these are
the last four people
that are ridin'
in a 'carpool with me.
'Don't blow it, okay?'
- Drew.
- What? What?
He's so weird, Drew.
Oh, he's just rockin' out
to some tape.
"James Earl Jones read
Schindler's List."
So what? The headphones
aren't even plugged in.
Moon over Parma
bring my love to me tonight ♪
Guide her to Cleveland
underneath your silvery lights ♪
We're goin' bowlin'
so don't lose her in Solon ♪
Moon over Parma tonight ♪♪
[instrumental music]
Alright.
It's 30 degrees below
with the wind chill
but I was able to rack up
the balls and break.
Did you sink anything?
Part of the nine-ball
went in the side pocket.
The rest of it just
scattered around the yard.
- Your turn.
- Oh, I need some gloves.
Coming right up.
And we got gloves.
The secret's in the Cinnamon.
It's so cute the way
you're joining
all our little reindeer games.
You know,
on days like this
my real crazy friends
are sittin' around the fireplace
'and toss marshmallows.'
Why do you guys
have to play pool
on the coldest day
of the year?
I don't know, why do you
celebrate New Years'
on the first day
of the year?
There's no logic behind it.
You just do it.
Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow!
Metal snaps. Ow! Ow!
Close the door!
Goodness gracious,
we can't afford to heat
the whole lot of doors.
[door slams shut]
Man, I hope it's cold tomorrow,
so I have to go to work.
I still haven't done
my employee evaluations.
I hope you're sensitive
with those evaluations, Drew.
You don't wanna write down
somethin' like
I don't know,
for example
"The guy's got
a goofy haircut."
That could really
hurtsomeone.
Drew, when you get
to Earl's evaluation
I've got a few things
to add.
Because the way he was acting
in the car this morning?
It was just the tip
of the iceberg.
Come on, he's a little quirky.
- But he's okay.
- Who's Earl?
Oh, he's guy I hired
a few months ago.
Nice guy. Bit of a loner.
Kinda quiet.
Always carries around
a hat box.
Come on, I'm serious.
He's always creeped me out
but now, he stares at me
all the time.
Oh, I'm sure,
it's not all the time.
Mm-hm.
I knew you'd say that.
He was staring at me at 10:00,
when he went to get coffee.
At 10:15, when he went
to wash his hands
'at 10:40,
when he took his break'
at 10:51, when he did
his deep knee bends
at 11:21, he cracked
every single knuckle.
So, every time
you're spying on him
he's starin' at you?
Exactly.
You know how most guys just
undress you with their eyes.
With Earl, it's like,
I don't know how to put this.
He's taking off my skin.
We had a crazy guy
at Drugco.
Turned out he accidently
took a drug that turns you
into a psychopathic
axe murderer.
It's not on the market yet.
It apparently
gives you headaches.
Sometimes you just like to hear
yourself talk, don't you?
Alright, Kate,
if it'll make you feel better
I'll go talk to Earl.
Thanks. Oh, by the way, he also
thinks he's the store manager.
It's probably
just an affirmation.
If you see those things
over and over
you know they come true.
I learned that for my ham
and cheese sandwich yesterday.
Although,
my tuna sandwich disagreed.
It said to just be happy
as you are.
Whew.
I scratched and either
it's really cold out there
or there's a lot more room
in my underwear.
[instrumental music]
Oh, look, one of the mannequins
just escaped
from the Big and Useless
department.
What are you doing here?
I don't know,
a lot of people slow down
to look at a car wreck.
Listen, uh, just so
I don't start any rumors
who're you buyin'
a tie for?
Just someone special,
as if you cared.
Someone I know?
I don't know, maybe.
Here's his picture.
[scoffs]
Antonio Banderas?
Your special someone
is Antonio Banderas.
Does, uh, does he know
about this?
- We've written a few times.
- Oh.
Let me guess, you write to him
and then he sends you back
an autographed
restraining order.
Hey, it's no different
than that thing
between you and Sarah Lee.
Hey, I only wrote to her once.
That was a great idea,
cake you can eat in the shower.
Hey, Drew.
Mimi, you find anything yet?
No, I'm still looking.
Wait a minute, gummy bra.
Well, she should wash it out
then, you know.
So, uh,
what can I do for you?
Oh, you know,
just make my rounds
makin' sure everybody's happy.
Just wanted to say hi.
- Hi.
- Hi.
Ooh, and I need to buy a tie.
Okay, let me just, oh..
Hey, you touch it,
you buy it.
Oh, I'm sorry.
Okay, well,
don't bother!
They're all messed up now.
Anyway,
I'll just start again.
Hey, just out of curiosity, Earl
did you lose your hair
or did you pull it out?
Wait a minute.
She's doing it again.
- Who?
- Kate.
She's starin' at me.
She does this
all day long.
She makes me feel
like Charlton Heston
in that ape movie.
"Planet Of The Apes?"
No.
"Beneath The Planet
Of The Apes."
[snaps finger]
That's the one.
Wow, that is so funny.
She thinks
you're starin' at her
and you think
she's starin' at--
Hey, whoa!
You didn't have to touch me.
I'm sorry, I didn't know.
I mean, hey, you won't
like it if I just came up
and started touching you.
Uh, I wouldn't like it.
I don't like it.
I'm not liking it.
Well, you can tell Kate
and any other employee
that has a problem
that they can mind
their own business.
Look-look, nobody's hassling
here, pal, it's okay.
Just calm down, you know,
just keep up the good work.
Alright, well, thanks
for stopping by, Drew.
Now, if you don't mind
I got a department store
to manage.
Man, I should've known
he was nuts
by those crazy glasses.
The no-touching thing,
the anal-tie thing
the delusions-of-power thing.
It's got all the classic
textbook signs of a Thing.
Or at least something
in the Thing family.
So, he is crazy.
Hey, I don't wanna be the first
to say anybody's crazy.
I already said it.
Then I concur.
He's Wicky and the Wacky Woo.
How did I miss it?
I gave him
a psychological profile
he passed with flying colors.
Look, under the question,
"Have you ever had seizures
blackouts,
or been institutionalized?"
It says "never."
It doesn't say "never,"
it says "over".
As in turn over.
No, it doesn't.
Oh, my God!
What's it say?
Uh, it says, in so many words
technically speaking
that he's Wicky
and the Wacky Woo.
Boy, look at all these
institutions.
"Institution
for the Criminally Insane
"Institution
for the Criminally Insane, oh..
"Yale University."
"Outpatient facility
for the criminally insane."
Well, I just wanna say
one thing
Earl minus "L" is "Ear."
How much more clear
could it be?
Lewis, "Clear" minus "CL"
is ear.
Now, now you're reaching.
Fire the guy,
what's the problem?
Well, legally, first,
I gotta offer to send him
to the company shrink.
Maybe she's really good,
I think she's Freudian.
How do you know?
She has a beard,
she smokes a cigar.
Drew, you gotta get
rid of this guy and fast.
Here's what you do.
You walk up to Earl,
grab Mimi
use her as a human shield
and say, "Earl, you're fired."
No, there's gotta be
a better way.
I don't wanna grab Mimi.
Ah, what am I worried about.
I've fired people before,
I can do it again.
Besides, we learned all about
this in our termination seminar.
You just gotta be calm,
speak in a confident voice
and never end a sentence with
"Oh, yeah, big shot?
I dare you."
It says right here, Drew
"always try to make
the person being fired
feel valuable."
(Lewis)
'You know, Drew, if you wanna
make a guy feel valuable'
when you break the body down
into its chemicals
it's worth $187 and 50 cents.
Or I could I just sit there
pretend to listen
while he babbles on
like a lunatic.
Yeah.
I'm talking to you, pal.
[instrumental music]
Choo!
Oh, I see, you cleaned
your blowhole.
Hey, I got some paperwork
on Earl.
It says
you're gonna fire him.
That's right.
You can't do that,
I like him.
'I like the way
he looks at me.'
Like a lady.
He's looking at you
like a trench coat
he wants your skin.
Really?
So he's nuts?
Uh-huh.
It's always the cute ones.
Oh, hi, Earl.
I gotta go.
But please feel free to use
any of the sharp objects
on my desk.
Okay.
Hey, Drew,
what'd you want?
Actually, there's somethin'
I need to talk to you about.
Why don't you come on in
and have a seat?
Wait a minute, Drew.
Your necktie
isn't tied right.
Can't have an executive
walk around like that.
Now, what is it
you wanted to say?
Well, the thing is, Earl
we're phasing out
the tie department.
- Huh?
- Yeah, that's right.
We're phasing out ties
altogether.
Tab collars are in.
I-I blame the French.
Au revoir, bon tie.
But-but, what about my job?
Oh, Earl, there's lots
other positions out there.
You know, my mom always said
"God never closes a door
without opening a window."
My mother always said
"Close that damn door
or I will throw you out
that window!"
[yells indistinctly]
You know, Earl,
we have a psychologist here
at Winfred Louder
I'd like to call her.
Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.
I'm not crazy.
Is that why
you're firing me?
Oh, Earl, who's to say
who's crazy?
You know, except
for the nine or ten doctors
on the back
of your application.
Look, I see
what's going on here.
You know, you're firing me
at the end of the day
trying to make me
feel valuable--
Oh, I almost forgot, wait.
Earl, you're very valuable
to us.
Check.
Alright.
So where is the security guard?
You know, they always have one
hiding somewhere nearby.
Oh, well, I don't.
Oh, so I could kill you
right now
andno one would stop me?
He's behind the post.
Chuck!
Chuck, Chuck, oh, Chuck.
Alright.
Why don't you
come with me, Earl?
Don't touch him.
We'll pick up
your personal belongings
and walk quietly
to your car.
Oh, feel free to make
a break for it.
It's been
kind of a slow day.
- See you later, Earl.
- Oh, you will.
Because you gotta go home
sometime, right?
Oh, yeah,
you come to my house, pal.
You don't even know
where I live.
720, Sedgwick.
Oh, yeah, that's where
I used to live
right before I moved..
in about an hour.
[instrumental music]
Jay, honey.
I've been
thinking about us.
Ooh, are we naked
and covered in daisies?
Yes, and we're seeing
each other exclusively.
[chuckles]
Gee, look how fast
we got dressed.
Look, I don't wanna
pressure you into anything.
I know that you're just coming
out of a difficult relationship.
So, what do you say,
exclusive or not?
Ow, ow, ow!
Yes!
Hey, everybody,
we're going steady!
[indistinct cheering]
Boy, I hate to see
where you'd grab
for a marriage proposal.
Aw.
- Hmm.
- Looks so cute.
Drew, I think you're going
straight home after work.
You're not scared
to go home, are you?
Why would I be scared?
I stopped at my house
before I came in.
Oh, so you're not worried
that Earl might be
hiding in the bushes
waiting to kill you?
Oh, of course not.
Wait a minute.
Is that why you made me
wear your hat and coat
when I went inside
to get your mail?
Please.
What an imagination.
Then how come you sat
in the car
and kept yelling
"Hurry up, Drew?"
I got confused.
You look so much like me
in my hat.
Oh! Oh!
Relax, Drew, Earl's crazy,
he's not a stalker.
Besides it's been three hours
since you fired him.
'Most disgruntled employees
strike within..'
Oh, sorry.
right about now.
Watch your back!
[chuckling]
Got you.
Yeah, you got me.
Will you stop it now,
alright?
I-I just wanna
put this day behind me.
- Alright.
- Behind you.
Yeah, behind me.
No, behind you, it's Earl.
[yells]
[laughs]
Got you good, huh?
Alright, everybody put
their hands on the table.
- Hey!
- Ah!
Okay, I'll laugh along
as if I know what the joke is.
[laughing]
Oh, my side hurts.
- He fired Earl.
- Oh, Earl's here.
Hey, Lewis, see the joke,
wave bye-bye to the joke.
No, Drew, he's not kidding.
Earl is sitting over there.
Oh, really? If Earl was sitting
behind me would I do this?
Hey, Earl, how many finger
am I holdin' up?
Uh, okay, nobody's laughin'.
So I take it Earl really
is sittin' behind me?
Ah, crap.
- Drew, get out of here.
- No way.
Drew, you don't understand.
The calls are coming
from inside the bar.
I gotta go talk to him.
Nope, nope, nope.
It's too many people here.
I'll do this later.
[instrumental music]
Alright, the basement's clear.
Attic's empty.
There's no one
in the bathroom..
except Mr. Bubble.
[both chuckling]
There's no one in the bedroom.
I could've called that one.
Alright.
Thanks for stopping by.
Everything's fine.
I-I'm cool.
Hey, man, we don't mind
stickin' around
although we know
you're a brave guy, Bubbles.
[both chuckling]
Come on, you don't
have to stick around.
Everything's gonna be okay.
No, we want to.
It'll be fun.
It'll be like
a slumber party.
Or, it would be like
a slumber party massacre.
Somebody goes off to have sex
and gets killed.
[chuckling]
Okay. You guys can stay,
but just one night.
And no psycho-killer humor.
Sure.
[scatting]
[knocking on door]
[screams]
I'll get it.
Drew, you can't
just open the door.
Yeah, there's a lunatic
after you.
I ordered a pizza.
I guess the Domino's guy
forgot our secret knock.
That's Chuck from security.
What's he doing here?
Oh, I forgot, I told him
what was going on with Earl
and I asked him to stop by.
I was worried about you.
Bang! You're dead.
Very stupid move, Drew.
Let me in
and close the door.
How'd you know I wasn't
behind the door with a gun?
I've already been
in the house three times, Drew.
Or should I say, Mr. Bubble?
You mean, you can get in
and out of my house
without me knowin' it?
Well, that might've been
bit more difficult
if the fake plastic rock
with the key in it
wasn't sitting under
the welcome mat.
Well, it's easier than
sticking up
the ceramic frog's butt,
let me tell you.
You know, I never had to worry
about that stuff before.
I don't wanna start having
to worry about that now.
Well, you better start now,
Drew.
One out of every eight
stalking cases
is a disgruntled ex-employee.
The other seven
are unrequited love.
So you're safe there.
Look, I appreciate
just stopping by
but I think we have
everything under control.
Yeah. Right.
Alright, people.
We work together,
we can get this done quickly.
Kate, close all the blinds
and the drapes.
- Okay.
- You, tall guy.
Get me some rope.
We're gonna set up
a few trip wires.
You, Jay,
go shovel the walk.
Thanks, Chuck, I don't think
I really need all this stuff.
You're not gonna die
on my watch, Drew.
Curly, go find me
a tape recorder.
I don't want a call
coming in to this house
that's not on tape.
Curly, I like that.
Hey, what are you gonna call me?
Uh, annoying.
Let's go, we have work to do.
Hold it, stop.
So far, I can't go
to my favorite bar
without being watched.
I can't pick up my own mail.
I can't even talk on the phone
without being recorded.
W-what the hell's gonna take
for me to feel safe?
A 24-hour police watch.
An unlisted number.
An electronic security system.
Or you could just move.
Alright, that's it.
Thanks for everything.
But I'm not gonna spend
the rest of my life hiding
from this guy in the off-chance
he might show up.
You know some people,
spend their whole lives
running from danger
but I'm not gonna do that.
Drew, you have a surge protector
in your electric toothbrush.
Hey, seven out of ten household
accidents occur in the mouth.
Are you sure
you don't want us to stay?
Yeah, look, I appreciate
everybody's concern
but you know, it's time
for you guys to go.
- Thanks.
- 'Take it easy, Drew.'
It's all under control.
Thanks, see ya.
[all yelling]
[all chuckling]
Somebody deserves
a bubble bath tonight.
Hey, Earl,
if you're out there
I'm-I'm comin' out to the trash.
I'm all alone!
Just me and my tiger-wolf
hybrid Foamy.
[fakes growling]
Shh. Foamy. Shh.
That's a cute name,
"Foamy."
Well, uh,
what are you doin' here?
720, Sedgwick.
That's your first mistake.
Now, I'm gonna go upstairs
and I'm gonna get my bath
and I'm gonna come down here
to show your second mistake
which was waiting for me to go
upstairs and get my bath.
Wait, wait, wait.
I'm not here
for the reason you think.
I just need to talk to you.
I came by the Warsaw tonight
but I couldn't do it
in front of your friends.
That's what you wanted?
Yeah, I don't wanna
lose my job, Drew.
If you think I should talk
to the company shrink
then, uh, I guess
I'm willing to do it.
- Really?
- Yeah, that's all I wanted.
It was to get her number.
So, you're not mad at me?
No. You were
just doin' your job.
Oh, man, I gotta admit I was
pretty scared there for a while.
I mean, my whole life
flashed before my eyes
and boy, I should've
never gone with that perm.
[cackles]
Listen, why don't you
wait right here?
I'll go get the number
of that shrink.
Okay.
You know what?
I may have misjudged you.
but, you know,
you gotta admit
you were acting kinda crazy.
[chuckles nervously]
Oh, yeah.
I know, but I-I think
that I'm ready
to take matters
into my own hands
and solve my problem.
Oh, you-you just gotta be
really proud of yourself, Earl.
Be right back.
I-I-I'm just really glad
we got to get this thing out.
You know?
I mean, I just love
happy endings.
Oh, me too, me too.
Drop it, now.
Hands where I can see 'em.
Got the number..
Oh, my God!
Chuck, put the gun down.
It's-it's okay,
I reasoned with him.
Drew, if I didn't come
back to find my beeper
he would've shot you.
- Really?
- Yeah.
I'll hold him here, Drew.
You go call the cops.
Alright, but before
the cops get here
I want you
to think about this.
[groaning]
Hey, hey, hey,
easy, Drew.
He'll get enough of that
in prison.
(male narrator)
Hey, you.
Yeah, you the good looking one.
Stay where you are,
"The Drew Carey Show"
will be right back in ABC.
[scatting]
[shrieking]
- Night, Mimi.
- Night. Have a good weekend.
You too.
"Dear Mimi.."
And then closing
"My darling Mimi."
"I would love you longer
than time itself.
"Eternally yours,
Antonio Banderas.
"PS, thank you
for your picture.
I think I found Waldo."