The Dukes of Hazzard s01e13 Episode Script

The Dukes are coming in for another landing.
CouIdn't keep away from me, gorgeous? Young Iady, you are in a peck of troubIe.
I've got cIaustrophobia.
Is that catching, Sheriff? These peopIe are crazy! I hope you weren't too inconvenienced, ma'am.
Coming at you.
There ain't no place where one little thing can lead to a multiple catastrophe like it can in Hazzard County.
-Who was that guy? -It don't make no difference.
-Teach him some manners.
-AII right.
WeII, that's showing him, Bo.
You know, I knew you were gonna say that.
I'm teIIing you, I got a cIose-up Iook at it, and it's the same car.
So I suppose you're gonna teII me he's in here, right? Now, you start with a little bumping on a Hazzard County road then go to the Boars Nest add a stranger or two who look like they're up to no good and a lot of spice mix in a little sugar, and watch out.
What did he Iook Iike? -He Iooked mean.
-And ugIy.
That covers just about everybody in here.
Except me.
WeII, I'd know him if I saw him again.
Good Iuck.
Y'aII going to the Costume CIog Dance Party tomorrow night? Daisy, we ain't got time for that.
We got a race.
-It's the biggest dance aII year.
-It's the onIy dance aII year.
Wait tiII you see what I'm wearing: short and fantastic.
I'm going as a circus bareback rider.
Hey, baby, I'd Iike to be your horse.
Okay, sugar.
As soon as I find the front end.
Ain't that him? I don't take no dirt from a barmaid.
That's him.
AII right.
Hush! Now, she's the one who started this whoIe thing.
Now, you see what you've done? You're under arrest for grabbing at her and you two are under arrest for swinging first.
-Enos, read them their rights.
-What? You dumb dipstick, you soaked me-- One: Y'aII have the right to remain siIent.
Enos, they'II be out on baiI before you finish with that.
Just arrest them.
Get them out of here.
Step one, StanIey.
$180, $190 $200.
Besides being the county commissioner, Boss Hogg is also the justice of the peace.
That's kind of like having a goat guard the cabbage patch.
Sorry you made baiI for them boys.
Seeing a Duke behind bars is my favorite form of entertainment.
Mine, too.
WeII, good morning.
I want to thank you boys.
Thank us? For making my sunset years so stimuIating.
Now, you take this morning, for instance.
I got up and was going over to pay Jason Higgins my $200 mortgage payment.
But, Io and behoId, instead of making my mortgage payment I find myseIf in here, paying your baiI! -Want to guess how much? -$200? Now we got to go to the bank, take out what we've got Ieft -and make that payment.
-Come on.
Now, don't you Dukes Ieave the country before triaI.
HoId on up there! -Ain't nobody going nowhere.
-Who's that? That's Doc Petticord.
He's down there with that CoIt feIIow.
That's the guy that these two boys beat the pudding out of.
Rosco, I want you to make sure nobody Ieaves here.
What're you doing here, Doc? Tending the sick, Jesse.
What the heII eIse do I do? Come on, Doc, I didn't hit him that hard.
Now, Iisten.
Everybody Iisten good.
I don't want to start a panic.
But this sure Iooks Iike some kind of pIague.
PIague? UntiI I know more, as county heaIth officer I'm decIaring this jaiI and everybody in it quarantined.
Quarantined? I'm just a IovabIe oId country doctor.
I ain't had me a good epidemic since the hog choIera of '43 and that was mostIy pigs.
This sure Iooks Iike pneumonic or bubonic pIague.
If I don't get that mortgage payment to Jason Higgins before midnight we Iose it.
And to think, this all got started because this jackass wanted to be a horse for Daisy.
Step two, StanIey.
What do you reckon them two are up to? Anyway, a little later.
Rosco, I can't stand this anymore: you working out of my office.
Besides, I gotta find me a decent pIace to sIeep in this pigsty you caII a jaiI.
These accommodations stink! Boss, they're supposed to stink.
See, this is a jaiI.
We work at that.
Rosco, I wish, I just wish you wouId use your head for something other than a handy pIace to hang your teeth.
Listen, there's two ceIIs downstairs but that sick guy's in one and the Dukes are in the other.
WeII, then, I'II sIeep up here.
I ain't sIeeping downstairs with the criminaI eIement.
Where you gonna sIeep up here? How about there? You mean this oId ceII? They haven't used that for 75 years.
This is where they used to put the guy just before they hang him.
Sounds perfect for you, Boss.
Don't give me sass, Duke boy.
I'm feeIing testy.
-Luke, what are you doing? -I'm caIIing Daisy.
Listen, don't use that but once.
You're onIy supposed to use it once when you're in jaiI.
-Rosco, we ain't prisoners.
-You wiII be if you use that phone again.
Boss, see, what we use this ceII for is just for suppIies and for Enos' comics.
AII right, I'II take it! Just move that junk out and put my other barber chair in there.
Boss, you gonna sIeep in your barber chair? I been sIeeping in it haIf the time since I married your fat sister.
Leastways that chair don't roII over on me in the middIe of the night.
But, Luke, I've got to change.
I just got fitted for my costume.
-Now, is Uncle Jesse-- -He's fine.
Look, nobody eIse is sick.
Now don't panic.
Get that mortgage money to Jason Higgins before midnight.
You just take care of UncIe Jesse, and I'm on my way to the bank right now.
-AII right? -Well, hurry.
Okay, aII right! Now, anybody that knows anything about Hazzard County knows that it just ain't gonna be that easy.
-Here.
-Thank you.
Bo teIIs me you think something's up.
It's that CoIt.
Something pecuIiar is going on there.
His fever's down and if the doc hadn't Iooked at him, I'd swear he's faking being unconscious.
Why wouId anybody fake the pIague just to stay in jaiI? Beats me.
It's gonna take some cogitating.
-One thing's sure, it ain't the coffee.
-You can say that again.
-What are we gonna do about food? -Cooter voIunteered to bring it in.
No wonder.
A pIague wouId dry up and die on Cooter.
There she is, Mr.
Hogg.
Ready to move right in.
-Good work, Enos.
-Thank you, sir.
-Enos.
-Yes, sir? Did you Iock that door? Yes.
That must be out of force of habit.
I'm sorry, Mr.
Hogg.
-UnIock the door, son.
-Yes, sir.
-It's stuck.
-Stuck? Rosco! Get in here! What can I do for you, Boss? Your pea-brained ninny of a deputy Iocked me in! He did? -UnIock the door, Enos.
-Yes, sir, but it won't unIock.
WeII, then, get out of the way and Iet me do it.
You dumb dipstick.
It's a IittIe rusty.
It's just oId, and I don't.
That it? No, not exactIy.
You see, that's the key, but it needs that IittIe piece up here.
Rosco, I've got cIaustrophobia.
Is that catching, Sheriff? You two ain't got the combined inteIIigence of a pot of turnips.
I know it.
And get them Dukes downstairs! I'II get them right away.
Get him out of here.
Okay, I ain't gonna teII you but one time.
Downstairs.
-Let's humor him, boys.
It's his jaiI.
-AII right.
''AII hope abandon, ye who enter here.
'' Where'd you come up with that bit of sunshine, Rosco? My sweet mama does needIepoint.
Gives a sort of a homey touch, don't you think? As I recaII, that's supposed to be the sign over the gates of HeII.
Very appropriate.
That's from Dante's lnferno.
Ain't it? From my mama.
Hush! WouId you Iook at that? HeIIo, gorgeous.
I'm just a IoneIy stranger in town.
So, why don't you show me the sights -starting with you.
-Have you seen our jaiI? It's a sight.
So Iong, gorgeous.
That was very sick, StanIey.
We're working.
Let's go.
-Hey, Rose EIIen, y'aII been busy? -The miII payday.
We sure missed you in church Sunday, Daisy.
Are you singing this week? Now.
$200.
AII right, everybody! Everybody do exactIy as you're toId, and nobody wiII be hurt.
-So, hands above your head.
-Thank you.
Come on, now.
Where is yours? Thank you.
HeIIo, gorgeous.
Let's go.
Everybody in the back room.
Let's go.
Come on.
Let's go.
Hurry.
No, don't Iock us up in there.
No! -Everybody, Iet's go.
Move it! -Nothing wiII happen.
I don't Iike it in there.
It makes me wheeze.
Come on.
What happened to gorgeous? Can't you even forget women Iong enough to rob a bank? WiII you come on? Anybody spots us, start shooting.
Did you get them? Hang on, Daisy.
You got them now.
-Possum on a gum bush! -Nope.
lt's Daisy on an RV.
Just stay Ioose, goose, I'm coming.
-I think we have company.
-Yeah.
Can't you shake him? I'm trying to, StanIey.
Hang on, Daisy.
Why don't you pop him? AII right, I'II pop him.
Hang on, Daisy.
While Daisy was playing gangbusters old Bo and Luke were puttering around, looking for something to do.
Here, Boss.
I brought you a IittIe coffee for your nerves.
Rosco, what am I supposed to do if I have to get out of here? You know, have to.
Got it, Sheriff.
Hazzard County Sheriff.
For you, Sheriff.
Rose EIIen at the bank.
Let me have it.
Here.
Rose EIIen, I toId you not to caII me here at work.
You cute IittIe rascaI, you.
The bank was robbed? My bank? By LaureI and Hardy? Find out how much money they got.
Was anybody hurt? -Go get Jesse.
-Yeah.
-Nobody was hurt.
-How much did they get? Did anybody see the vehicIe that they got away in? -What about Daisy? -Don't know, but nobody was hurt.
That must mean she's okay then.
Rosco, how much did they get? Enos, take this down.
''The bank robbers ''drove away in one of those big RV campers.
'' OnIy in Hazzard.
I'II be right there.
No, I can't come.
I'm in quarantine.
WeII, just teII them to sit tight.
Rosco, for the Iast time, how much money did they get? Two bagfuIs.
That's not a very accurate count.
You might say that.
This is Sheriff Rosco CoItrane caIIing aII deputies.
CoItrane caIIing aII deputies.
Come on.
Sheriff, aII the deputies are quarantined in here.
Hazzard County Sheriff.
Hey, Cooter.
Cooter just chased an RV camper with Daisy hanging on top.
Let me have it.
How Iong ago was that, and which way did they go? About 30 minutes.
Heading north? I'm sorry, Jesse.
I'II teII you something, boys.
One thing about a crisis: You sure Iearn what ain't important.
With Daisy in this troubIe Iosing that farm don't amount to a hiII of beans.
UncIe Jesse, what if the pIague ain't for reaI? That's a big if, Bo.
-And a whoIe passeI of coincidences if it is.
-What do you mean? Look, a guy picks a fight, gets thrown in jaiI he gets sick, gets himseIf and the poIice quarantined on the same day a bank is robbed.
And on the miII's payday.
Look, UncIe Jesse, you yourseIf said that he might be faking some.
Which couId tie him in with them bank robbers.
If that's true it's gonna take a Iot of taII shucking to outsmart them feIIas.
They're good.
AII right.
I'II have Rosco caII Doc and see if he can take another Iook at CoIt.
We ought to figure out an escape pIan, just in case.
There wiII be no escape untiI we're sure this pIague is phony.
And whiIe you two are at it figure out how we're gonna find Daisy, when nobody eIse can.
Funniest peopIe in the worId.
You think you can tear yourseIf away and give me a hand? I'm the boss, StanIey.
AII right aIready with the StanIey bit.
My name is Irving.
Humor me.
Next job, you'II be Abbott and I'II be CosteIIo.
-UnIoad the RV.
-UnIoad? I just Iocked it.
How come we gotta unIoad it now? Because we're going to sink it in the Iake, StanIey.
That's Irving.
And we're not doing that tiII tomorrow, when CoIt gets here.
Nothing Iike being ready.
I'm stiII very peeved at you, StanIey.
TaIking to that beautifuI girI in the bank was tres stupido.
I had to pick a part-time sex maniac for a partner.
Tacky, StanIey.
Lay out the money, and I'II count it.
Now to get to that CB and call for help all Daisy's got to do is climb down break in without being shot or worse.
So what's the problem? She's a Duke.
That's the problem.
And l think she's got a long way to go.
Boss, I was just downstairs, taIking to oId Jesse.
He thinks maybe that pIague is fake.
So I'II caII Dr.
Petticord.
-Rosco.
-What? You ain't gonna caII nobody.
-Boss, now, Iisten-- -No, you Iisten.
I just figured this whoIe thing out.
Now, teII me.
Why is that feIIow CoIt in jaiI in the first pIace? Because he was fighting with Bo and Luke Duke.
Pretended to.
And who is off with them bank robbers right now? Daisy.
You see, pea brain, the Dukes are in on it.
Now, Iet me ask you something.
Why wouId oId Jesse jeopardize the farm? Because he ain't in on it.
Them Duke boys didn't know their scheme wouId cIash with Jesse's mortgage.
So they got caught in their own trap.
And you ain't caIIing Doc because you got three of the robbers in jaiI right now.
CoIt and Bo and Luke Duke.
But, Boss, what happens if that pIague is reaI? Then, we just sit tight and Jesse Ioses the farm either way.
Boss, why shouId do you care? Higgins owns the mortgage on that farm.
No, he don't.
I bought aII Jason's hoIdings Iast week.
By midnight tonight, that farm wiII be mine.
Yours? I'm gonna burn it down, pIow it up and have me a reaI nice junkyard.
I Iove it.
Rosco, get me out of here.
I'm going crazy.
CouIdn't keep away from me, gorgeous? -Let go! Let go of me! -Oh, no.
-You're going with me.
-Let go of me! -You're going right with me.
-Let go! You're going right with me.
Young Iady, you are in a peck of troubIe.
Do y'all realize that this whole mess got started by two cars just bumping into each other? Like l said y'all realize that this whole mess got started by two cars bumping into each other? While Luke was doing a little sabotage for the breakout by doing some repairs Bo was diverting everybody's attention with Jesse's old card tricks.
And that boy had a tough audience.
AII right, I'II show you one card trick.
-I want you to pick a card.
-I don't beIieve in gambIing, Bo.
Enos, it's not gambIing.
WiII you pick a card, or we'II be here aII day.
-You got it? -Yep.
Two of hearts.
Enos, you're not supposed to teII him the card.
Dipstick.
AII right, Enos, Iet's try it one more time, okay? Oh, no.
-This time, don't teII me what it is.
-Don't teII him.
Now, pick a card.
-You got it? -Yeah.
-Okay.
-Can I ask a question? Sure.
The IittIe bIack three-Ieaf cIover, is that cIubs or spades? Enos, don't heIp him any more than you have to.
Give me that, Enos.
Let's see it.
We're gonna try again, aII right? That's your card, ain't it? I'II be ding-danged.
You know how he did that, Sheriff? Magic.
Downstairs, Jesse was trying to trick Colt to see if the plague was phony.
That was smart.
ReaI smart.
You getting the Iaw aII quarantined whiIe the rest of them hit the bank.
That was good.
ReaI good.
Except you made one mistake.
You picked Hazzard County where the onIy Iaw is Boss Hogg and Rosco.
So, me and my boys is going to make a run for it.
We invite you to come aIong.
If I know Rosco, and I do your partners are gonna have aII that money spIit and spent by the time he turns you Ioose.
Did you fix up the squeaky wheeIs on my chair? -Sure did.
-Thank you.
You're weIcome.
It's aII pIanned.
Getaway car, everything.
Seems a shame.
Big-time pro Iike you, rotting away in a hick town jaiI.
-You aII set? -Yeah, we're aII ready.
I hope Cooter got that message I smuggIed out with the Iunch.
-I hope he can read.
-Now, Iisten.
I think I may have struck out with CoIt so if he don't go, we don't go.
You understand? Sure hope this works.
JaiIbreak! Where? JaiIbreak! Enos, Iet me out of here.
This door's stuck.
-Come here, you pigskin, open the door.
-I'm trying.
Rosco, get in here! Let's get out of here! They're getting away.
Don't touch me.
Get them.
OId Cooter got the message.
He even put it back together for us.
If we hadn't made a cute remark to her whiIe robbing we wouIdn't have this mess! How wouId I know she'd get so turned on she'd foIIow me? Oh, no.
That's not how it was, sugar.
Do you mind if I sit down whiIe y'aII fuss? These new shoes I bought for the costume cotiIIion are kiIIing me.
Y'aII going to the cotiIIion? You know, the way you two dress when you rob banks I bet you'II take first prize.
The costume bit is his idea.
The Iast bank job, he was DracuIa and I was WoIfman.
Yes, and you were terribIe.
Now, get a rope and tie her up.
I figured we'd hear a Iot more traffic on the poIice radio.
Don't worry, we wiII.
Look, Cooter even packed us a Iunch.
Lunch? Great.
I'm starved.
I hope y'aII ain't pIanning on stopping for Iunch.
This is Hazzard Sheriff Rosco Coltrane.
All units, report in.
AII units.
What units? This is Choctaw Sheriff Emitt Ragsdale, with all units reporting.
Sheriff RagsdaIe from Choctaw County? With two more cars, he'd invade Russia.
Wow, that many? No, that mean.
HoId on, Iisten up.
This is Sheriff Rosco CoItrane caIIing Hammerhand.
Over.
This is Choctaw Sheriff Emitt RagsdaIe.
You wiII use correct radio procedure on poIice business.
Over.
I'm sorry about that, Hammerhead.
Hand.
Listen, did you or your boys spot any of the fugitives? Over.
Negative.
We have aII primaries bIocked with roving patroIs on secondaries.
Good.
Whatever that means.
Listen, Hammer, Sheriff, we're gonna move north and join you.
I want you to be reaI carefuI, because those fugitives are tough.
So are we.
Out.
The Choctaw and Hazzard sheriffs together? Don't forget the FBI and the state patroI.
What are they after us for? Bank robbery is a federaI rap, man.
WeIcome to the big time, boys.
Now, wait a minute.
We didn't rob no bank.
TeII that to the judge, after they get you there.
And every road bIocked.
-I guess we onIy got one choice.
-Go for it.
Chains? I couIdn't find any rope.
No way.
You fIake.
Get her, StanIey.
You aII right back there? -That Iooked Iike oId Hammerhand.
-You better step on it, he's after us.
HeIicopters.
Gonna need heIicopters.
It Iooks Iike Rosco's gonna give us a hand.
What kind of untrained.
CoItrane, your driving is substandard.
I didn't turn over.
Do you reckon we ought to heIp him? WiII you hush? He ain't hurt.
Turn off the Iights.
Yes, sir.
Make sure you tie her weII, StanIey.
You win, gorgeous.
No chains.
Just fishing Iine.
Thanks.
I have aIways depended on the kindness of strangers, StanIey.
The name is Irving.
What do we do now? We're gonna sit tight tiII dark.
That way our chances wiII be better.
Then what? Shoot, we reckoned you were going to teII us.
Look, we're neck-deep in this thing aIready.
We was thinking maybe we couId throw in with you and your partners.
Oh, yeah? Luke and me, we're both great wheeI men.
WheeI men? Breaking out of jaiI ought to prove we can handIe ourseIves.
Come on, how about it? TeII you what I'm going to do.
I'm gonna take you to the boss and Iet him decide.
DeaI.
You gotta teII me one thing.
How did you fake the pIague? Now that was simpIe.
-I'm aIIergic to poison ivy, right? -Yeah? When I get in the jaiI I just peeI back the tape, and expose the poison ivy.
Then I get the rash I get the sweIIing, I even get a IittIe fever.
Then I fake aII the other symptoms of the pIague Iike deIirium, cramping, aII that sort of stuff, you know.
And then, man, it Iooks reaI good.
Looks just Iike the pIague.
Boy, it was beautifuI.
ReaIIy beautifuI.
Anyway, do you reaIize there ain't never been no doctor ever seen a case of the pIague in this part of the country? Do you know something, Luke? It is sure going to be a pIeasure to work with a reaI professionaI, ain't it? -You figure we can ever be that good? -I don't know.
Do y'all realize they ain't no closer to Daisy than they were in jail? What are you doing here? You're supposed to be in jaiI untiI tomorrow.
Can't anybody do anything right? But, boss, I ran into some troubIe back there.
What happened? You poor man, that's a terribIe case of poison ivy.
You see, it didn't work in jaiI either.
Some hiIIbiIIy spotted me.
-Where's your car? -I had to make a getaway in this thing.
Ain't that the girI from the bar? Yeah, she beIongs to me.
Look, dummy are we supposed to sneak out of here in an orange stock car with a big number one on the side and a Confederate fIag on the roof? Look, IittIe man it'II be a whoIe Iot easier than trying to hide her.
ImbeciIes.
It was a very simpIe pIan.
These two idiots couIdn't foIIow instructions on a cereaI box.
Y'aII don't get aIong very weII, do you? -No, young Iady, we don't.
-I wanna see the money.
I think you shouId see about getting some caIamine Iotion on that poison ivy.
Ger her inside.
Because of your stupidity, we're gonna have to dump that RV truck and escape in that cIown car.
Looks like the Dukes got a little shuck and jive working, don't it? Listen, I want to know how we did on the money.
That may aII prove to be academic if we don't get away.
Right now, we happen to have a more pressing probIem.
What are we gonna do with her? Right now, I'm thinking about sinking her in the Iake with the RV where there's no witnesses.
Hey, this is Cooter coming at you.
Y'aII got your ears on? -Come in, Cooter.
-lt worked.
Boy, we thought he'd never steaI that car.
Me, too.
Hey, y'aII I'm down here at oId Bubba's fishing shack the one that Boss Hogg forecIosed on.
You mean Bearclaw Swamp? The very same.
Now Iook here, Daisy's aII right.
But there's three of them, and they got shotguns and Iooks Iike they're fixing to Ieave.
Got you.
You're gonna have to delay them, Cooter.
Okay, I wiII.
That's a big 10-4.
-But y'aII hurry.
-Did you copy that, Jesse? Loud and cIear, Luke, and I'm on the way.
I got them now.
-Do you copy that, Rosco? -You bet I copy.
-And when I get my hands on you-- -BearcIaw Swamp? That's at the other end of the county.
Enos, I know where it is.
Wait a minute! I'm not into exotic stuff Iike stuffing a broad.
Don't Iook at me.
I've been sick.
-FeIIas, couId I say something here? -No! You may not.
This is aII your fauIt.
It was a perfect bank heist, with a true theatricaI fIair.
It worked twice without a hitch.
And then we hit Hazzard.
It was a perfect setup.
An outmoded bank, an inept poIice department and then we met you.
Disaster.
Let's see, Cooter said that there's three guys with shotguns? You don't need me.
I'II just take a nap.
-You can handIe it.
-Left-handed.
I sure hope Cooter is being creative.
How're you? Now, sugar, before you get yourseIf aII het up things just happen to be different in Hazzard.
ActuaIIy, y'aII fit right in.
Why don't you stick around? I'II bet if you gave that money back and apoIogized reaI sweet.
Stick around Hazzard? Wrong! -Who's that? -Why, Cooter! Hey, Daisy.
-How you been? -Fine.
And you? -I can't compIain.
-What is going on? Caught this guy goofing around with the RV tires.
The pIace is crawIing with them.
Where did you come from? See if you can guess.
Maybe we ought to sink the RV before something eIse crawIs out of there.
You know, that's gonna take y'aII a whiIe 'cause it's got two fIat tires.
Tie them both up, put them in the RV, and sink it.
-Can I ask you a question? -No, you may not.
Okay, good.
If y'aII sink that RV how are you gonna get out of here? We'II make our getaway in the IittIe orange car.
Yeah? It ain't gonna start nohow.
I hid the distributor cap right before I did them tires.
Get over there.
AII right, you two, get out there and start that car.
What's that noise? Now what? Stop him.
They're throwing dynamite! You didn't say anything about dynamite.
These peopIe are crazy! HoId it right there.
Come on here.
Get in here.
Don't sIop aII over me, now.
This is my good uniform.
Sure was nice of y'aII to get here just in time to take aII the credit.
WiII you hush? Any more fIap-Iip out of you, I'II cuff you, too.
You are surrounded.
Throw down your weapons and put your hands up.
Hammerhand.
How many times do you have to surrender around here? I said hands up, everybody.
-You just-- -HeIIo, CoItrane.
What are you doing here? AII right, move out.
Hammerhand, now Iisten this is Hazzard County.
This is my county.
And I'II do aII the arresting in.
Hot pursuit, Sheriff.
-Look it up.
-You.
I hope you weren't too inconvenienced, ma'am.
AII right, men, move them out.
You tin-badged robot! I think he's kind of cute.
For a sheriff.
We pIayed it pretty cIose.
Got onIy one stick Ieft.
You know what we ought to do with that? We ought to offer to bIast Boss right out of his ceII.
He'd be just a big, white smithereen.
That's the legend of the Hazzard Plague in which nobody caught nothing.
Especially Rosco, who didn't even catch the bank robbers.
EngIish