The Fall Guy (1981) s01e13 Episode Script

WELL, I'M NOT THE KIND TO KISS AND TELL BUT I'VE BEEN SEEN WITH FARRAH I'VE NEVER BEEN WITH ANYTHING LESS THAN A NINE SO FINE I'VE BEEN ON FIRE WITH SALLY FIELD GONE FAS WITH A GIRL NAMED BO BUT SOMEHOW THEY JUS DON'T END UP AS MINE IT'S A DEATH-DEFYIN' LIFE I LEAD I TAKE MY CHANCES I DIE FOR A LIVIN' IN THE MOVIES AND TV [ Siren Wailing .]
BUT THE HARDEST THING I EVER DO IS WATCH MY LEADING LADIES KISS SOME OTHER GUY WHILE I'M BANDAGIN' MY KNEE I MIGHT FALL FROM A TALL BUILDIN' I MIGHT ROLL A BRAND-NEW CAR 'CAUSE I'M THE UNKNOWN STUNTMAN THAT MADE REDFORD SUCH A STAR [ Women Vocalizing .]
I'VE NEVER SPEN MUCH TIME IN SCHOOL BUT I'VE TAUGH LADIES PLENTY IT'S TRUE I HIRE MY BODY OUT FOR PAY HEY, HEY I'VE GOTTEN BURNED OVER CHERYL TIEGS BLOWN UP FOR RAQUEL WELCH BUT WHEN I WIND UP IN THE HAY, IT'S ONLY HAY HEY, HEY I MIGHT JUMP AN OPEN DRAWBRIDGE OR TARZAN FROM A VINE 'CAUSE I'M THE UNKNOWN STUNTMAN THAT MAKES EASTWOOD LOOK SO FINE [ Colt Narrating .]
THIS IS THE STORY OF ONE OF AMERICA'S GREAT UNSUNG HEROES.
I MEAN, YOU'VE SEEN HIM, BUT YOU NEVER KNEW WHO HE WAS.
YOU'VE CHEERED FOR HIM AND CRIED FOR HIM, WOMEN HAVE WANTED TO DIE FOR HIM.
BUT DID HE EVER GET ANY CREDIT? OR THE GIRL? NO.
HE WAS WHAT WE CALL A STUNTMAN.
AND THE REASON I'M TALKIN' SO FONDLY ABOUT HIM IS-- WELL, BECAUSE IT'S ME, COLT SEAVERS.
ANYWAY, PICTURE WORK ISN'T WALL-TO-WALL EMPLOYMENT.
SO MAYBE YOU WONDER HOW A GUY KEEPS HIS HEAD TOGETHER.
WELL, ONE WAY IS TO WAIT BY THE PHONE AND WAIT AND WAIT.
THE OTHER IS TO TAKE AN OCCASIONAL JOB FOR THE COURT SYSTEM OF THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA, WHERE A MAN IS CONSIDERED INNOCEN UNTIL PROVEN GUILTY.
UNFORTUNATELY, SOMETIMES A LO OF THESE PEOPLE GET OUT OF JAIL ON WHAT WE CALL BAIL.
AND THEY RUN LIKE HELL.
THAT'S WHERE I COME IN.
I SOMETIMES PICK UP RENT MONEY TRYIN' TO FIND THEM AND BRING THEM BACK TO JUSTICE.
[ Man .]
ROLL CAMERAS.
ACTION! [ Tires Squealing .]
I THOUGHT YOU SAID YOU HAD A HOT TUB.
WELL, THIS IS A TUB, AND THE WATER'S VERY HOT.
ISN'T IT GONNA GE A LITTLE CROWDED? THAT'S THE IDEA.
[ Phone Rings .]
[ Grunts .]
OH.
THANK YOU.
HELLO? - HI, COLT.
- OH, HI, BIG JACK.
OH, I HOPE I DIDN' DISTURB YOU.
YOU'RE NOT IN THE MIDDLE OF SOMETHING, ARE YOU? - WELL, AS A MATTER OF FACT, I AM.
- COLT, I'VE GOT A PROBLEM.
- YOU ALWAYS DO.
- LOOK, CAN I COME OVER AND TALK TO YOU ABOUT IT? NO! WHY NOT? - BECAUSE.
- BECAUSE WHY? - BECAUSE I'M TAKIN' A BATH.
- COLT, I'VE GOT A JOB FOR YOU, WHICH IS MUCH MORE IMPORTAN THAN TAKING A BATH.
WELL, NOT THIS ONE.
GOOD-BYE, BIG JACK.
OH! H-HOLD IT, COLT.
WAIT A MINUTE! OKAY.
ALL RIGHT.
- THEN I WANNA TALK TO YOU FIRST THING IN THE MORNING.
- I'LL CALL YOU AT 10:00.
MAKE IT 9:00.
DEAL.
COLT, ONE MORE THING.
WHAT? - DON'T STAY TOO LONG IN THE TUB.
- BIG JACK.
WELL, ANCHORS AWEIGH.
[ Giggles .]
[ Colt .]
WHAT'S THE STORY BEHIND THE, UH, GLOSSY 8-BY-10? WELL, IT'S A RATHER SHORT STORY.
HIS NAME IS FRANK BOYCE.
HE WAS ARRESTED FOR ILLEGAL POSSESSION OF, UH, AUTOMATIC WEAPONS.
- YOU MEAN LIKE MACHINE GUNS? - MM-HMM.
I'M AFRAID SO.
WHATEVER POSSESSED YOU TO BAIL A GUY LIKE THAT OUT? WELL, HE TOLD ME HE WAS A-- WAS A LICENSED WEAPONS COLLECTOR.
DID YOU SEE HIS LICENSE? YES, AND HE HAS A LIST OF SOLID BUSINESS CONNECTIONS, AND HE GAVE ME THE LIEUTENANT GOVERNOR OF HIS HOME STATE AS A REFERENCE.
AND HE LOOKED LIKE THE BEST RISK THA HAD COME MY WAY ALL YEAR.
HE LOOKED LIKE THE BEST RISK? HE'S DUE IN COURT NEXT WEEK, SO I WENT BY HIS APARTMEN TO CHECK UP ON HIM, AND THIS IS ALL I COULD FIND.
"MAN OF WAR-- THE MAGAZINE FOR THE MAN OF ADVENTURE.
" THAT'S CERTAINLY NO MUCH TO GO ON, BIG JACK.
WELL, I'M SORRY, COLT.
- YOU'RE SURE THERE WASN' ANYTHING ELSE? NO OTHER CLUES? - THAT'S ALL THERE WAS.
- WHAT ABOUT HIS PHONE NUMBER? - YES, I DO HAVE THAT.
WELL, ALL THIS IS GONNA TAKE IS A LITTLE LEGWORK.
JODY, TAKE THE NUMBER DOWN TO THE PHONE COMPANY AND GET A LIST OF CALLS TO AND FROM THAT NUMBER.
OH, KID, HAVE MARIA RUN BOYCE'S NAME THROUGH THE POLICE COMPUTER.
LET'S SEE WHAT HE'S DONE LATELY-- BESIDES DISAPPEAR.
OKAY.
OH, UH, COLT, CAN YOU TAKE CARE OF THE CHECK? I'LL SEE YOU LATER AT THE HOUSE.
OH, BY THE WAY, COLT, WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO? I'M GONNA FINISH MY BREAKFAST ALONE.
ALONE? ALMOST.
[ Jody .]
COLT, I THINK I GOT SOMETHIN' HERE.
[ Colt .]
YEAH, WHAT'VE YOU GOT? OKAY, LISTEN TO THIS.
"BE A--" UM, "BE A SURVIVOR.
"ONLY THE WISE AND STRONG WILL SURVIVE THE COMING TURMOIL IN AMERICA.
LEARN THE SKILLS TO KEEP YOU ALIVE.
" JODY, WHAT'S THAT GOT TO DO WITH FINDING FRANK BOYCE? IF YOU LET ME FINISH, I'LL TELL YOU.
OKAY, THIS IS AN AD FOR THE CITIZENS SURVIVAL LEAGUE TRAINING CAMP.
AND, UM, THE PHONE NUMBER FOR THIS CAMP SHOWS UP ALL OVER THIS PRINTOUT.
IN OTHER WORDS, BOYCE WAS CALLING SOMEONE UP THERE.
- YOU GOT IT.
- THAT SOUNDS LIKE A LONG SHOT TO ME.
HEY, BEGGARS CAN'T BE CHOOSERS.
A LEAD'S A LEAD.
HAND ME THE PHONE, KID.
COLT, EVEN IF THIS GUY BOYCE IS UP THERE, IT SOUNDS LIKE ONE OF THOSE PARAMILITARY CAMPS-- NOT THE KIND OF PLACE THEY'RE JUST GONNA LE STRANGERS WALK INTO.
WON'T WE NEED A COVER? I'LL THINK OF SOMETHIN'.
WHAT'S THAT NUMBER? UM, AREA CODE 817-- HUP, HUP, HUP, HUP.
BRING IT AROUND! LET'S MOVE IT! PEOPLE IN THE REAR! BRING IT UP! HUP, HUP, HUP! IN THE TIRES! KEEP IT MOVIN'! IN THE TIRES, NOT ON 'EM! IN 'EM! HUP, HUP! DOUBLE TIME! KEEP IT MOVIN'! OVER THE NET! GET OVER THAT NET! MOVE IT, PEOPLE! [ Phone Rings .]
HUP, HUP, HUP! [ Man .]
HELLO? [ Colt .]
I'M TRYIN' TO REACH THE, UH, CITIZENS SURVIVAL LEAGUE TRAINING CAMP.
THAT'S WHAT YOU GOT.
GOOD, GOOD.
LET ME TELL YOU WHY I'M CALLING.
YOU SEE, I'M A STUNTMAN, AND I JUST GOT HIRED TO WORK IN A WAR MOVIE.
- CONGRATULATIONS.
- OH, THANKS.
ANYWAY, THE PRODUCER SEEMS TO THINK I MIGHT BE A LITTLE OU OF SHAPE FOR THIS TYPE OF WORK, AND, UH, HE SUGGESTED THA A FEW DAYS AT YOUR CAMP MIGHT MAKE A NEW MAN OUT OF ME.
IT MIGHT DO THAT.
DEPENDS ON HOW MUCH OF A MAN YOU ARE TO BEGIN WITH.
WELL, I GUESS IT ALSO DEPENDS ON WHO YOU GO DOIN' THE TRAINING.
I DON'T WANT THIS TO BE A VACATION.
HEY, WE'VE GOT AN INSTRUCTOR HERE THAT MAKES CASTRO LOOK LIKE A CUB SCOUT.
WELL, YOU GOT ROOM FOR A COUPLE MORE IN YOUR CAMP? YEAH, I THINK SO.
WHAT'S YOUR NAME? UH, SEAVERS.
AND MY FRIEND'S NAME IS MUNSON.
THIS AIN'T NO CAKEWALK.
I WANT YOU TO KNOW THIS GOIN' IN.
- OH, THE TOUGHER THE BETTER.
- OKAY, TRAINING STARTS TOMORROW.
WE'LL SEE YOU THEN.
GOOD-BYE.
[ Handset Settles In Cradle .]
OKAY, KID, IT'S BACK TO BOOT CAMP.
[ Howie .]
DON'T YOU THINK IT'S A LONG SHOT THAT JUST BECAUSE BOYCE CALLED THIS SURVIVAL CAMP, HE'S GONNA BE THERE? [ Colt .]
IT'S A LONG SHOT, ALL RIGHT, BUT IT'S THE ONLY SHOT WE GOT.
DON'T WORRY, KID.
THE CAMP'S A REFURBISHED RESORT.
WE MAY EVEN HAVE A GOOD TIME.
THESE SELF-DEFENSE TRAINING CAMPS ATTRACT LOTS OF WOMEN.
GREAT! I'VE ALWAYS BEEN A SUCKER FOR A GIRL IN UNIFORM.
RETURN! HUP, HUP, HUP! [ Man .]
KEEP IT UP, PEOPLE! AND TWO, BRING IT AROUND! THREE, FOUR, FIVE-- WHAT SIZE BOOTS, RECRUIT? UM, 10.
HOLLIS.
OH, GLAD TO SEE YOU'RE BACK.
HOW'S MY FAVORITE LAWMAN? WELL, STILL MANAGIN' TO KEEP THE PEACE.
OF COURSE, I THINK THINGS GONNA BE A LOT BETTER WHEN YOU'RE RUNNIN' THE STATE, JED.
I THINK YOU'RE RIGH ABOUT THAT.
OH, OSGOOD! HEY, COME ON OVER HERE.
I WANT YOU TO MEET THE HEAD HONCHO OF THIS HERE CAMP, LIEUTENANT GOVERNOR JEDIDIAH DENTON.
- OSGOOD.
CALL ME JED.
- PLEASED TO MEET YOU, JED.
COURSE, YOU GONNA BE CALLIN' HIM GOVERNOR JUST AS SOON AS THE ELECTION ROLLS AROUND.
[ Osgood .]
WELL, I CERTAINLY HOPE SO.
GLAD TO MEET YOU, SIR.
LIKEWISE.
YEAH.
COME ON, OSGOOD.
WE GOT TO GET READY FOR THE WARS.
RIGHT.
WELL, HOWDY, BOYS.
NAME, PLEASE.
SEAVERS.
AND MUNSON.
OH, YES.
YOU'RE THE TWO STUNTMEN.
- YES, SIR, THAT'S US.
- WELL, WELCOME TO THE CAMP.
[ Chuckles .]
NOW, IF YOU FELLAS WILL JUST FILL OUT THESE FORMS, WE CAN GET STARTED.
UH, WHAT ARE THEY FOR? UH, PERSONAL RELEASE.
IN CASE YOU GET HURT, WE CAN'T BE HELD RESPONSIBLE FOR YOUR SAFETY.
SEE, IT'S OUR JOB TO TEACH YOU HOW TO BE RESPONSIBLE FOR YOURSELF.
OH, WHEN YOU'RE FINISHED THERE, YOU CAN STOW YOUR GEAR AND GET SOME UNIFORMS.
YOU'RE IN NUMBER, UH, 26.
YEAH, WE MEE AT THE PARADE GROUNDS RIGHT AFTER LUNCH.
THANKS.
SEE YOU LATER.
UH, EXCUSE ME.
DID YOU SAY THEY WERE IN NUMBER 26? THAT'S RIGHT.
[ Chuckles .]
I'M TELLIN' YOU, COLT, ALL A REAL FIGHTING MAN NEEDS IS FOUR WALLS AND A COT.
YEAH, WELL, THIS FIGHTING MAN WOULD RATHER HAVE A COUPLE OF BEERS AND SOME FEMALE COMPANIONSHIP.
OH, UH-- THAT'S WHAT I CALL ROOM SERVICE.
I'M SORRY.
IS THIS YOURS? WELL, YEAH.
I'M SO STUPID.
I MUST BE IN THE ONE NEXT DOOR.
YEAH, WELL, UH, THAT'S OKAY.
COME BACK ANYTIME.
I WILL.
YOU'RE NEW AT THE TRAINING CAMP, AREN'T YOU? YEAH.
WE, UH-- WE JUST GOT HERE THIS MORNING.
ME TOO.
YOU KNOW, BY THE LOOKS OF YOU TWO, I BET YOU'RE PROFESSIONAL SOLDIERS.
YEAH.
I WAS IN THE GREEN BERETS.
I KNEW IT.
MY FATHER WAS A GENERAL IN THE SPECIAL SERVICES.
WHO WAS YOUR COMMANDING OFFICER? - UH, JOHN WAYNE.
- HUH? UH, WE'RE STUNTMEN-- IN THE MOVIES.
OH, WELL, THAT EXPLAINS WHY YOU LOOK LIKE YOU'RE IN SUCH GOOD SHAPE.
YOU HAVE TO BE WHEN YOU'RE IN OUR BUSINESS, MA'AM.
YEAH, WE'RE, UH-- WE'RE MAKING A WAR MOVIE IN A COUPLE OF WEEKS, AND WE THOUGHT THIS WOULD BE GOOD TRAINING AND-- WHY ARE YOU HERE? MY BOSS SENT ME.
I'M THE EXECUTIVE ASSISTANT TO THE PRESIDENT OF OXONIAN OIL.
HE FELT THAT WITH ALL THE TRAVELING WE DO IN THE MIDDLE EAST, COMBAT TRAINING MAY COME IN HANDY.
HE HAS A GOOD POINT THERE.
YEAH, BUT I'M A LITTLE WORRIED.
IT'S KIND OF DANGEROUS OUT ON THE OBSTACLE COURSE.
DO YOU THINK ANYONE COULD GET HURT? OH, NOT IF WE GET A GOOD INSTRUCTOR AND HE DON' GO GUNG-HO ON THE FIRST DAY.
[ Chuckles .]
YOU KNOW, I'D SURE FEEL A LOT MORE SECURE IF I COULD TAG ALONG WITH TWO MEN AS EXPERIENCED AS YOU.
WOULD YOU MIND SHOWING ME THE ROPES? OH, WE'D BE GLAD TO.
WOULDN'T WE, COLT? UH, YEAH.
YOU-- YOU JUST STICK WITH US.
WE'LL MAKE SURE YOU GET THROUGH TRAINING WITHOUT A SCRATCH.
I'M SURE I WILL.
THANKS, GUYS.
I'LL SEE YOU ON THE PARADE GROUNDS.
ONE, TWO-- [ Whistle Blowing .]
THREE, FOUR, FIVE, SIX-- [ Whistle Blowing .]
AH, COLT, THIS IS ALMOST LIKE BEING BACK AT WEST POINT.
[ Man .]
FALL IN! YEAH, WELL, JUST REMEMBER, THIS ISN'T A STROLL DOWN MEMORY LANE.
WE GOT A JOB TO DO.
WE GOTTA FIND THIS FRANK BOYCE.
SO FAR I HAVEN'T SEEN ANY SIGN OF HIM.
I CHECKED THE TRAINING ROSTER, AND HE'S NOT ON IT.
[ Whistle Blowing .]
22, 23, 24-- [ Whistle Blowing .]
25, 26-- FALL IN! 27, 28, 29, 30-- AT EASE! 31, 32-- MY FRIENDS, YOU'RE ABOU TO START A TRAINING PROGRAM THAT MAY ONE DAY SAVE OUR LIVES.
WHEN PANIC ERUPTS IN THE CITIES, AND THE QUESTION OF LIFE AND DEATH IS ONE YOU FACE EVERY DAY, IT IS YOU PEOPLE, THE ONES WHO'VE PLANNED AHEAD, THAT WILL STAND THE BEST CHANCE OF SURVIVAL.
COLT, I DON'T SEE BOYCE ANYWHERE.
NEITHER DO I.
IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS, YOU'LL BE ATTENDING CLASSES IN EVERYTHING FROM HOW TO GROW YOUR OWN FOOD TO THE TREATMENT OF RADIATION SICKNESS.
BUT THE MOST IMPORTANT THING YOU'LL LEARN HERE WILL BE SELF-DEFENSE.
BECAUSE IN THE EVEN OF A CATASTROPHE, YOU NEVER KNOW WHO IS YOUR ENEMY OR WHO'S YOUR FRIEND.
NOW I'M GONNA TURN YOU OVER TO THE MAN WHO WILL BE SUPERVISING YOUR TRAINING-- AN EX-GREEN BERET AND AN EXPER IN THE FIELD OF SELF-DEFENSE.
WITH A BUILDUP LIKE THAT, I CAN'T WAIT TO MEET THE GUY.
[ Shouts .]
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, COLONEL FRANK BOYCE.
THIS MAN IS DEAD! YOU WANNA KNOW WHY? BECAUSE HE WASN'T ALERT.
A FIGHTING MAN IS ALWAYS THINKING ON HIS FEET.
UNLESS, OF COURSE, HE LIKES THE FEEL OF A PISTOL IN HIS GUT.
NOW IT'S MY JOB TO TURN YOU PEOPLE INTO SOMETHING RESEMBLING SOLDIERS.
AND BY THE LOOKS OF YOU, THAT MAY SEEM IMPOSSIBLE.
I GOT A GREAT IDEA, COLT.
LET'S FORGET THIS WHOLE THING AND GO HOME.
YOU COULD'VE TAKEN HIM.
I'LL SEE TO IT THA YOU'RE NOT SHORTCHANGED.
IT'S GONNA TAKE A LOT OF HARD WORK, PHYSICAL CONDITIONING, MENTAL TOUGHNESS.
SO LET'S GET STARTED.
IN FORMATION, FIVE LAPS AROUND THE PERIMETER.
DOUBLE TIME.
SQUAD! TEN-HUT! LEFT FACE! FORWARD MARCH! DOUBLE TIME! MARCH! [ Man .]
HUP, TWO, THREE, FOUR.
HUP, TWO, THREE, FOUR.
HUP, HUP, HUP! BRING IT AROUND! MOVE IT, YOU LAZY DEADBEATS! THIS IS NOT GONNA BE A VACATION! [ Man .]
COME ON, PEOPLE IN THE REAR! BRING IT UP! HUP, HUP, HUP! THINK YOU CAN WHIP 'EM INTO SHAPE? OH, DON'T WORRY.
THEY'LL GE THEIR MONEY'S WORTH.
I MEAN, WITHOUT KILLING ANYONE.
WELL, WHAT DO YOU WANNA DO? TURN THIS INTO A SUNDAY PICNIC? NO, I JUST DON'T WAN ANY MORE ACCIDENTS.
YOU WOULDN'T WANT TO BLOW MY CHANCE TO BE GOVERNOR, WOULD YOU? IT'S YOUR CAMP.
I'M JUST A HIRED HAND.
FINE.
I'LL LEAVE YOU TO ENTERTAIN OUR GUESTS.
OKAY, FOLLOW ME! THIS WAY! WHOA! [ Boyce .]
HEY, COME ON! FASTER! PULL UP THAT SLACK! MOVE IT UP! MOVE IT! LET'S GO! LET'S GO! HUP, HUP, HUP, HUP! [ Woman .]
I CAN TELL YOU RIGHT NOW, I'M NOT GONNA MAKE IT.
[ Colt .]
JUST PRETEND YOU'RE GOIN' FOR A NICE RUN ON THE BEACH.
COME ON! MOVE IT! MOVE IT! MOVE THAT LARD! KEEP IT MOVING! OKAY, OVER THE NET! IF I FALL BEHIND, DON'T LEAVE ME.
[ Howie .]
JUST CONSIDER THE TWO OF US YOUR PERSONAL INSTRUCTORS.
[ Boyce .]
ALL RIGHT, LET'S GO! OVER THIS NET! COME ON! COME ON! MOVE IT! HUSTLE! HUSTLE! [ Grunts .]
WHAT DO I DO NOW? - GO DOWN THE OTHER SIDE.
- OH.
- SHOW HER, KID.
- SHOW HER? - YEAH.
- [ Boyce .]
HUP, HUP! COME ON! TWO AT A TIME! [ Grunts .]
[ Boyce .]
COME ON! LET'S GO! GET OVER THAT NET! MY MOTHER MOVES FASTER THAN YOU DO! [ Woman Gasping .]
[ Screams .]
[ Osgood .]
I GOT IT FOR YOU.
I'M HOLDING IT.
I'M HOLDING IT.
GO AHEAD.
YOU CAN DO IT, HOLLIS.
YOU BETTER PRAY-- HERE WE GO.
THERE AIN'T NO WAR.
[ Osgood .]
UP YOU GO! [ Hollis .]
OH! I GOT YA! EVERYTHING'S OKAY.
THIS SKIT MAY DEFY THE DEFINITION OF STUPIDITY! YOU ARE SPEAKING TO HOLLIS J.
DULFORD-- SHERIFF! YOU LOOK MORE LIKE SANTA CLAUS IN A FROG SUIT.
OVER THE NET! I GOT IT, SHERIFF.
GET ME OUT OF HERE, OSGOOD! OSGOOD! I GOT IT.
GET ME LOOSE! COME ON! GET UNDER HERE.
FASTER! DOUBLE TIME! HUP! PICK UP THOSE FEET! PUT 'EM IN THE TIRES! HOWIE! [ Gasps .]
ARE YOU ALL RIGHT? [ Chuckles .]
ARE YOU ALL RIGHT? THE ANSWER IS "FINE.
" OH.
[ Grunts .]
THAT'S RIGHT.
STEP ON HIM.
HE LOVES PAIN.
[ Boyce .]
COME ON! LET'S GO! LET'S GO! COME ON! MOVE IT! MOVE IT! MOVE IT! IN THE TIRES! IN THE TIRES! MOVE! MOVE! COME ON! COME ON! MOVE IT! IN COMBAT, YOU'D ALL BE DEAD BY NOW! ALL RIGHT, BUDDY UP.
TWO AT A TIME.
WHOA! MOVE IT! COLT! OH! WHOA! OH! - OH, I'M SORRY.
- [ Boyce .]
COME ON, SEAVERS! THIS ISN'T A MOVIE! CAN I HELP YOU? [ Colt .]
UH, PLEASE DON'T HELP ME.
I'M FINE.
FINE.
ROBERTS, LET'S GO! MOVE IT! OH! COME ON! COME ON! COME ON! TAKE THE PATH TO THE LEFT! COME ON! MOVE! TAKE THE PATH TO THE LEFT! KEEP IT MOVING! TAKE THE PATH TO THE LEFT! [ Grunts .]
PULL HARDER! [ Grunting .]
PULL! GET YOUR FULL WEIGH INTO THIS! PULL! [ Grunting .]
THIS ISN'T FAIR, COLT.
THEY HAVE ALL THE WEIGH ON THEIR SIDE.
KEEP PULLING.
MY HANDS KEEP SLIPPING.
PULL! PULL! [ Gasps .]
OH.
[ Boyce .]
COME ON! MOVE IT! MOVE IT! UP THOSE LADDERS! MOVE IT, SLIME! HUP, TWO, HUP, TWO! [ Howie .]
COLT, HOW LONG IS THIS DAY? WE'RE GONNA DIE BEFORE WE FIGURE OUT HOW TO GET BOYCE OUT OF THIS CAMP.
[ Colt .]
DON'T WORRY, KID.
I'LL THINK OF SOMETHIN'.
[ Boyce .]
KEEP MOVING! KEEP MOVING! HUP, HUP, HUP! ALL RIGHT, LISTEN UP! FOR OUR NEXT DEMONSTRATION I NEED A VOLUNTEER.
HOW ABOUT YOU, MR.
FANCY HOLLYWOOD STUNTMAN? YOU WORKED OU PRETTY WELL LAST TIME.
UH, I LIKE TO DANCE, COLONEL, BUT YOU'RE NOT MY TYPE.
COME ON.
PICK IT UP.
COME ON.
PICK IT UP.
PICK IT UP.
PICK IT UP.
OH, SORRY, COLONEL.
MY FOOT MUST'VE GOT IN THE WAY.
ALL RIGHT, SEAVERS.
IN THE MIDDLE.
I WANT YOU.
[ Grunts .]
DON'T TOY WITH HIM, COLT.
USE OF THIS WEAPON REQUIRES QUICKNESS, BALANCE AND REFLEX.
[ Howie .]
NAIL HIM, COLT! [ Grunts .]
OH, THAT'S GOOD.
THAT'S VERY GOOD, SEAVERS, BUT IT'S NOT GOOD ENOUGH.
YEAH! OOH! [ Osgood .]
GET HIM, COLONEL! YOU COULD USE A LITTLE WORK ON YOUR JAB, COLT.
WELL, I HAVE TO MAKE HIM LOOK GOOD, KEEP HIM OFF GUARD.
[ Boyce .]
FIVE LAPS AROUND THE PERIMETER! DOUBLE TIME! COME ON, JELLY BELLY! LET'S GO! HUP, HUP, HUP! COLT, DO YOU THINK WE COULD STOP THE FUN AND GAMES LONG ENOUGH TO COME UP WITH SOME KIND OF A PLAN? HOW ARE WE GONNA GE BOYCE OUT FROM UNDER THE NOSE OF THESE HALF-BAKED DOUGHBOYS? I GOT NO PLAN.
JUST HOPE TO CATCH HIM ALONE AND GRAB HIM.
THAT'S IT? UH, EITHER THAT, OR FEED HIM ENOUGH OF THIS COFFEE.
OH, THIS TAKES ME BACK.
I HAVEN'T EATEN IN A SURVIVAL SHELTER SINCE THE CUBAN MISSILE CRISIS.
THE WAY THINGS ARE GOING THESE DAYS, YOU MIGH HAVE TO LIVE IN A SHELTER.
OSGOOD, YOU DIDN' BY ANY CHANCE SMUGGLE IN ANY CHICKEN BURGERS TO CAMP, DID YOU? [ Osgood .]
SHERIFF, I'M REALLY ASHAMED OF YOU.
I JUST WANT TO TELL YOU HOW MUCH I APPRECIATED YOUR HELP THIS AFTERNOON.
[ Chuckles .]
WELL, IT'S TOO BAD WE COULDN' HAVE BEEN A LITTLE MORE HELP.
THAT'S ALL RIGHT.
- BOY, THAT BOYCE IS SOMETHIN' ELSE, ISN'T HE? - YEAH.
WHAT DO YOU KNOW ABOUT HIM? WELL, WHY ASK US? YOU KNOW AS MUCH AS WE DO.
I JUST THOUGHT YOU MIGH HAVE HEARD SOMETHING.
WHY ARE YOU SO CURIOUS ABOUT BOYCE? I DON'T KNOW.
I GUESS BECAUSE HE'S SUCH AN INTERESTING CHARACTER.
DO YOU THINK HE'S CAPABLE OF KILLING SOMEONE? FROM PERSONAL EXPERIENCE, I CAN TELL YOU-- VERY CAPABLE.
INSTEAD OF SOCIALIZING, WHY DON'T YOU THREE GRAB SOME MESS AND TURN IN.
YOU GOT ANOTHER HARD DAY TOMORROW.
OH, YES, SIR.
UH, MUNSON AND I WERE JUST WONDERING IF YOU'D LIKE TO JOIN US IN TOWN TONIGH FOR A COUPLE OF BEERS? A COUPLE OF BEERS? SEAVERS, YOU AND MUNSON HERE ARE NOW FIGHTING MEN.
BESIDES PUTTING FA AROUND YOUR GUT, IT SLOWS DOWN THE THINKING PROCESS.
AND A FIGHTING MAN NEEDS A CLEAR HEAD.
BESIDES, I CAN'T GO INTO TOWN WITH YOU.
I HAVE DINNER WITH DENTON TONIGHT.
OH, YEAH? UH, WHERE AT? IT'S A MILITARY SECRET, RECRUIT.
AND A PRIVATE NEVER ASKS HIS COLONEL PERSONAL QUESTIONS.
SEE YOU ALL ON THE PARADE GROUNDS, 0700.
I'LL SEE YOU TWO TOMORROW.
[ Together .]
YEAH.
GO TRY THIS STUFF, BOYS.
WHAT IS IT? IT'S BEEF STEW.
DEHYDRATED, OF COURSE.
[ Howie .]
THEY DON'T HAVE REAL FOOD HERE? [ Osgood .]
THIS IS REAL FOOD.
DON'T FORGET, IN A NUCLEAR WAR, THIS IS WHAT WE'LL HAVE TO SURVIVE ON.
[ Hollis .]
SCARY, AIN'T IT? HEY, GO ON, BOYS.
GIVE IT A TRY.
THE CHOW TRAYS ARE RIGHT THERE ON THE TABLE.
YEAH, I GUESS WE OUGHTA TEST OUR COURAGE, KID.
[ Door Closes .]
ON SECOND THOUGHT, I NEED SOME FRESH AIR.
COME ON.
WHAT ABOUT DINNER? WHERE ARE WE GOIN'? I SAW GAIL COME OUT.
WELL, WHAT DO YOU THINK SHE'S UP TO? I'D SAY SHE'S UP TO HER NECK IN TROUBLE.
[ Door Opens .]
WE'D BETTER DO SOMETHING, COLT.
YEAH.
WHEN I LIGHT THIS, GET READY TO THROW THOSE CANS.
PRETEND IT'S NEW YEAR'S.
JED, YOU BETTER GET OVER TO YOUR OFFICE RIGHT AWAY.
WHAT'S GOING ON? OKAY, NOW.
[ Trash Cans Clattering .]
HEY! FIRST LET'S CHECK THAT.
LET'S GO.
YOU THINK IT WAS SEAVERS AND MUNSON? THAT'S RIGHT, SIR.
WE DIDN'T SEE 'EM IN YOUR OFFICE, BUT WE SAW 'EM OUTSIDE.
- YOU REALIZE WHAT THIS MEANS? - IT MEANS THEY'RE ONTO YOU, DENTON.
ONTO ALL OF US, BOYCE.
AS I RECALL, IT WAS YOUR IDEA TO RIG THOSE BOOBY TRAPS.
YOU KNEW DAMN WELL SOMEBODY COULD GET KILLED.
YEAH, BUT IT WASN' MY RESPONSIBILITY THAT SOMEBODY DID.
THAT RESTS ON YOUR SHOULDERS, LIEUTENANT GOVERNOR.
IT WAS YOUR IDEA NOT TO REPORT IT TO THE AUTHORITIES TO SAVE YOUR CAN.
DON'T BE A FOOL, BOYCE.
IF I GO DOWN, YOU'RE GOING DOWN WITH ME.
SO LET'S NOT SPEND THE NIGH BICKERING, WHEN WE SHOULD BE PLANNING OUR NEXT MOVE.
WELL, WHAT EXACTLY DID YOU HAVE IN MIND? I DON'T THINK WE HAVE ANY CHOICE BUT TO ARRANGE ANOTHER TRAINING ACCIDENT.
HOW ABOUT IT, BOYCE? THINK YOU CAN COME UP WITH A WAY FOR OUR STUNTMEN TO DISAPPEAR ACCIDENTALLY? YEAH, I CAN GIVE IT SOME THOUGHT.
DO THAT, BOYCE.
[ Denton .]
BUT DON'T TIP YOUR HAND TILL YOU'RE READY TO MOVE.
I WANT MUNSON AND SEAVERS OUT OF THE WAY TOMORROW FOR GOOD.
YES, SIR.
I WAS WONDERING WHEN YOU'D GET BACK.
WHAT ARE YOU DOIN' HERE? [ Man .]
BED CHECK! LIGHTS OUT! COLT, RICE IS DOING A BED CHECK.
EVERYBODY IN BED.
IN THAT ONE.
HOWIE, GET THE LIGHT.
THAT'S GREAT, COLT.
YOU GET THE GIRL, AND I GET THE LIGHT.
[ Rice .]
BED CHECK! LIGHTS OUT! HE MIGHT COME BACK.
LIGHTS OUT IN THERE! COLT, STOP THAT! SHH, SHH, SHH.
HEY, WHAT'S THE MATTER? THINGS WERE JUS GETTIN' COZY UNDER HERE.
HEY, IF YOU TWO WOULD RATHER BE ALONE-- HOWIE, YOU STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE.
I WANNA KNOW THE REAL REASON YOU TWO ARE HERE.
YEAH, WELL, WE WANNA KNOW THE REAL REASON YOU BROKE INTO DENTON'S OFFICE.
SO YOU KNOW ABOUT THAT? KNOW ABOUT IT? WE SAVED YOU.
WHO DO YOU THINK DIVERTED RICE AND SNOW? YOU DID THAT? HEY.
I'M VERY GRATEFUL.
WELL, SO MUCH FOR BEING GRATEFUL.
LOOK, YOU TELL ME WHAT YOU'RE DOING HERE, AND I'LL TELL YOU WHY I BROKE IN.
YOU GO FIRST.
OKAY.
FIRST OF ALL, I'M NOT AN EXECUTIVE ASSISTAN TO AN OIL BARON.
I'M AN INVESTIGATIVE REPORTER WHO'S WORKING UNDERCOVER.
SO THAT'S WHY YOU WERE ASKING ALL THOSE QUESTIONS? WELL, THERE'S NOTHING GOING ON AROUND HERE THA WOULD MAKE MUCH OF A STORY.
THAT'S WHAT YOU THINK.
WE WERE GIVEN A TIP A YOUNG BOY FROM MY CITY DIDN'T SURVIVE THE SURVIVAL COURSE.
AND IT WAS NEVER REPORTED? NOPE.
APPARENTLY, DENTON WANTS IT COVERED UP.
[ Howie .]
WELL, WHY? BECAUSE DENTON WANTS TO BE GOVERNOR OF THE STATE, AND A SCANDAL NOW WOULD RUIN HIS CHANCES.
NOW, WHAT ARE YOU TWO DOING HERE? WELL, WE'RE UNDERCOVER OURSELVES.
WE'RE NOT ONLY STUNTMEN, WE'RE BOUNTY HUNTERS.
WE'RE HERE TO TAKE BOYCE BACK TO LOS ANGELES.
WHEN ARE YOU PLANNING ON DOING THAT? WELL, AS SOON AS WE CAN.
TOMORROW, IF WE GE THE OPPORTUNITY.
YOU KNOW, KID, I BEEN DOIN' SOME THINKIN'.
- AND I CAME TO THE CONCLUSION THAT IT'S TIME TO POUNCE.
- POUNCE? YEAH, WE GRAB BOYCE THE FIRST CHANCE WE GE AND SCRAM.
WELL, I CAN AGREE WITH THAT.
[ Osgood .]
HOLD YOUR FIRE! HOLD-- HOLD-- HOLD YOUR FIRE! I'LL CHECK THE TARGET, SHERIFF, AND SEE HOW WELL YOU DID.
- [ Hollis .]
HOW'D I DO? - ARE YOU SURE YOU WERE SHOOTIN' AT THIS TARGET, SHERIFF? [ Hollis .]
GET OUT OF THERE! I'M GONNA TRY AGAIN.
YOU KNOW, COLT, WITH GAIL INVOLVED NOW, THINGS COULD GET REAL MESSY.
WELL, YOU'RE RIGHT.
MAYBE GAIL'S TOO INVOLVED.
[ Gunshots Resume .]
WHAT DO YOU MEAN? WELL, WE GRAB BOYCE, AND DENTON MIGHT START THINKIN'.
YOU KNOW, SHE'S BEEN SEEN A LOT WITH US LATELY, - AND WE'RE NOT FOR SURE THA NO ONE SAW HER IN HIS OFFICE.
- YEAH, THAT'S RIGHT.
AND IF DENTON FIGURES SHE KNOWS TOO MUCH, HE MAY DECIDE TO COVER HER UP WITH SIX FEET OF DIRT! WELL, I GUESS THAT MEANS WHEN WE GO, SHE GOES WITH US.
COLT, COULD YOU PITCH ME ANOTHER CLIP? [ Vehicle Approaching .]
COLT, LOOK.
- THIS COULD BE OUR CHANCE.
- GET DOWN, KID.
OKAY, SEAVERS, TARGET PRACTICE IS OVER.
PUT DOWN THAT RIFLE.
[ Colt .]
WHAT IS THIS? SOME KIND OF EXERCISE OR SOMETHING? NO, NO, NO, NO.
NO EXERCISE.
DENTON AND I WANNA HAVE A LITTLE TALK WITH YOU AND YOUR FRIEND.
WHERE'S MUNSON? [ Shouts .]
ONE WRONG MOVE AND YOU'RE A DEAD MAN, BOYCE.
YOU IDIOT! LET GO OF ME! WHAT IS THIS, SOME KIND OF JOKE? NO JOKE.
ALL RIGHT.
ALL RIGHT.
WHAT'S GOIN' ON? I WANNA TALK ABOUT THIS.
OH, YOU CAN TALK ABOUT I ALL THE WAY BACK TO LOS ANGELES.
YOU JUMPED BAIL, BOYCE.
I'VE BEEN HIRED TO BRING YOU BACK.
YOU DON'T THINK YOU'RE GONNA GET AWAY WITH THIS, DO YOU? KIDNAP ME HERE IN FRONT OF THESE MEN? OSGOOD! HOLLIS! - [ Boyce .]
GET OVER HERE! - STAY WHERE YOU ARE.
HEY, NOW LOOK, SON.
A MAN DON' GO POINTIN' A GUN LIKE THA UNLESS HE MEANS TO USE IT.
I AM THE SHERIFF OF THIS HERE ENTIRE COUNTY.
SHERIFF, I AIN'T DOIN' THIS FOR MY HEALTH.
GO ON.
GET HIM IN THE TRUCK.
[ Groans .]
CUFF HIM.
[ Grunts .]
FOUR, FIVE, SIX, SEVEN, EIGHT-- GAIL, GET IN THE TRUCK! NINE, 10.
AND ONE, TWO, THREE-- YOU CAN'T DO THIS NOW.
- I DON'T HAVE TIME FOR AN ARGUMENT.
- YOU'RE GONNA RUIN MY STORY.
SHUT UP AND GET IN THE TRUCK.
I'M NOT GOING ANYWHERE WITH YOU.
ALL RIGHT, I AM THROUGH DOING THINGS THE HARD WAY.
COME ON.
WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING? NOTHING.
JUST SAVING YOUR LIFE.
WHAT DO YOU WANT US TO DO WITH THESE MORTARS? YOU'RE GONNA LOSE 'EM.
LOSE 'EM? TEMPORARILY.
TILL I'M CERTAIN THIS STORM BLOWS OVER.
WHY? DON'T YOU THINK BOYCE CAN HOLD OUT HIS END? - I'M NOT TAKING ANY CHANCES.
- JED! JED! [ Panting .]
JUST A SEC.
THEM TWO BOYS FROM HOLLYWOOD HAVE KIDNAPPED COLONEL BOYCE! THEY WHAT? THE COLONEL? HANDCUFFED HIM, COMMANDEERED HIS TRUCK! YEAH, AND THEY TOOK THAT GAIL ROBERTS GIRL WITH 'EM TOO! - DID YOU SEE WHERE THEY WENT? - DOWN THE CANYON.
YOU'RE SURE OF THAT? YES, SIR.
LOOK, JED, I MAY NOT KNOW HOW TO CLIMB ONE OF THEM FOOL ROPE WALLS, BUT I KNOW HOW TO CATCH CROOKS.
YOU GIVE ME SOME WHEELS, AND I'LL HAVE THOSE KIDNAPPERS CAPTURED JUST LIKE THAT.
- ALL RIGHT, YOU AND OSGOOD TAKE THAT CAR AND GO GET 'EM.
- YES, SIR.
RIGHT.
COME ON, OSGOOD.
LET'S SHOW 'EM HOW IT'S DONE.
THAT FAT FOOL COULDN'T CATCH A COLD.
GET A CAR AND FOLLOW 'EM.
YES, SIR.
PREPARE THOSE MORTARS FOR FIRING.
WHAT ABOUT BOYCE? YOU KNOW, A DIRECT HI NAILS HIM TOO.
WELL, I'VE GOTTA SHUT HIM UP SOMETIME.
MIGHT AS WELL BE NOW.
[ Boyce .]
SEAVERS, YOU'RE MAKING A BIG MISTAKE.
[ Gail .]
MY SENTIMENTS EXACTLY.
SO DID YOU, BOYCE, WHEN YOU RAN OUT ON BIG JACK.
I TAKE A LOT OF PRIDE IN MY WORK.
WELL, YOU DON'T KNOW WHO YOU'RE UP AGAINST.
DENTON'S A VERY DETERMINED MAN.
REALLY? IS HE DETERMINED ENOUGH TO COVER UP A MURDER? [ Denton .]
RICE, THEY'RE HEADED FOR THE INTERSECTION AT THE BOTTOM OF THE HOLLOW.
THEY'RE ABOUT HALFWAY DOWN THAT HILL, SNOW.
YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO CUT 'EM OFF.
YES, SIR.
THAT'S A 10-4.
HOW ARE YOU DOING WITH THOSE MORTARS? - I'VE GOT 'EM ZEROED IN.
- COMMENCE FIRING.
[ Gasps .]
THEY'RE SHELLING US! WHAT DID I TELL YOU? HANG ON, EVERYBODY! [ Tires Squealing .]
[ Tires Squealing .]
THAT GUY COULD DRIVE BETWEEN RAINDROPS! CEASE FIRE, RICE.
THEY'RE OUT OF YOUR RANGE.
[ Rice On Radio .]
WHAT ARE WE GONNA DO? [ Denton .]
DON'T WORRY.
I'LL HANDLE IT.
[ Tires Squealing .]
THANK GOD THAT'S OVER.
[ Osgood .]
CAN'T HAVE TOO MUCH OF A LEAD.
CHECK THEM SIDE ROADS, OSGOOD.
WE'RE NO OUT OF THE WOODS YET.
OSGOOD! [ Chuckles .]
- LOOKEE THERE! WE GOT HIM! - GO FOR IT! YEAH! MY GOD! THAT COULD HAVE BEEN US! [ Both Groaning .]
OSGOOD, WE DON'T GOT HIM.
HE'S HEADING FOR THE RAVINE.
WE GOTTA CUT HIM OFF, AND I DON'T CARE HOW WE CUT HIM OFF! [ Denton On Radio .]
GET MOVING! [ Tires Squealing .]
COLT, THERE'S A THIN LINE BETWEEN COURAGE AND INSANITY, AND YOU JUST CROSSED IT.
YOU HAD TO GET THE STORY.
YES, BUT I ALSO WANNA LIVE TO WRITE IT.
[ Colt .]
HAVE YOU NEVER BEEN IN A CAR CHASE BEFORE? [ Gail .]
I TRY TO AVOID THEM.
WELL, SIT BACK AND ENJOY YOURSELF.
THIS ONE'S JUS STARTIN' TO GET GOOD.
THERE'S NO WAY YOU'RE GONNA MAKE IT OUT OF HERE! IS BRINGING ME BACK WORTH GETTING KILLED? WE'RE NOT DEAD YET.
NOT FOR LACK OF TRYING.
I THINK ONCE WE GE BACK TO THE HIGHWAY, WE'LL BE IN THE CLEAR.
- HANG ON, EVERYBODY! - [ Gail .]
COLT, YOU AREN'T-- THIS IS IT! I'M BEGINNING TO SEE MY LIFE FLASH BEFORE MY EYES.
YOU WERE RIGHT, MOM.
I SHOULD HAVE MARRIED A DOCTOR AND BECOME A HOUSEWIFE.
DO SOMETHING! HE'S TRYING TO KILL US! COLT, ARE YOU THINKING THE SAME THING I'M THINKING? YEAH.
CAN YOU TAKE THE WHEEL? I'LL TRY.
WHAT ARE YOU GUYS? THE FLYING BANZAI BROTHERS? GAIL, PUT YOUR FOO ON THE GAS PEDAL.
NO, COLT.
REALLY, I COULDN'T.
I'M REALLY A HORRIBLE DRIVER.
[ Colt .]
JUST KEEP IT FLOORED.
WE CAN'T AFFORD TO LOSE SPEED.
[ Boyce .]
YOU'LL NEVER MAKE IT, SEAVERS! I WARNED YOU, SEAVERS! [ Gunshot .]
[ Denton .]
HOW DID THAT FEEL? LET'S SEE YOU STUNT YOUR WAY OUT OF THIS ONE! [ Tires Squealing .]
I'M GONNA USE YOU FOR A LANDING GEAR, SEAVERS! [ Howie .]
WE'VE GOT COMPANY, AND HE'S GAINING ON US.
[ Gail .]
HOWIE, HE'S GONNA RUN US OFF THE ROAD! HOP IN THE BACK WITH YOUR FRIEND, SNOW.
HOW IN THE WORLD DID HE DO THAT? I DON'T KNOW.
BUT SOMEHOW COLT ALWAYS MANAGES TO GET THE JOB DONE.
[ Gail .]
RIGHT, MAX.
I'LL BE BACK IN THE OFFICE NEXT WEEK.
I'M GOING TO HANG OUT HERE FOR A FEW DAYS.
NO, NO, NO.
NOT TO PARTY.
TO WORK.
I'VE GOT A TERRIFIC IDEA FOR A FEATURE.
YOU'LL LOVE IT.
OKAY, I'LL SEE YOU THEN.
OH, AND THANKS FOR THE GOOD NEWS.
BYE.
WHAT'S THE GOOD NEWS? BOYCE AND DENTON HAVE BEEN INDICTED BY A FEDERAL GRAND JURY.
ALL BECAUSE OF YOUR STORY? [ Laughs .]
WELL, YOU MUST BE A BIG HERO BACK AT THE OFFICE.
NOT REALLY, THOUGH MY EDITOR DID MENTION SOMETHING ABOU A POSSIBLE PULITZER PRIZE.
MMM! SO WHAT'S NEXT? DO YOU MOVE ON TO ANOTHER ASSIGNMENT? ACTUALLY, I'M ALREADY ON IT.
YOU ARE? MM-HMM.
I THOUGHT I'D DO SORT OF AN IN-DEPTH STUDY ON A CERTAIN HOLLYWOOD DAREDEVIL WHO SPENDS HIS FREE TIME TRACKING DOWN DANGEROUS CRIMINALS.
SOUND INTERESTING? WELL, THE "IN-DEPTH" PART DOES.
COME ON, COLT.
YOU'RE A TERRIFIC SUBJECT.
BESIDES, THIS GIVES US A CHANCE TO SPEND SOME MORE TIME TOGETHER WHILE I GET TO LEARN EVERYTHING THERE IS TO KNOW ABOUT THE REAL COLT SEAVERS.
EVERYTHING? EVERYTHING.