The Girl's Guide to Depravity (2012) s01e13 Episode Script

Do you have a sex window? A what? Like, if you get horny, there's a certain period of time before it expires? Mmm.
No.
I am like a car.
Once you turn me on, I'm good to go until I run out of gas.
Unless, you turn me off with something incredibly disgusting, like bacne.
No.
You remember that Ecuadorian that I dated? Once he got hard, we had exactly 27 minutes.
27 minutes? I timed it once.
27 minutes to jump on that thing before it completely lost interest.
Ah.
You have no idea how many times I had to do it here, in the back room.
Whoa, wait, wait, wait.
Did you do it on the sink? Ugh.
Oh, my God! Great.
Now every time I wash my hands, I'm going to feel like I'm washing them in your cooch.
Well, at least somebody's thinking about my cooch.
Eww.
What about you, Tyler? Do you have a sex window? Yeah, It looks right out onto my neighbor's bedroom window, where he and his girlfriend fuck like bunnies practically every night.
Ooh.
Do you have a hot date or something? Ugh.
My boss dumped this huge case on my lap.
I have to go home and work on it and then drew called, and he wants to meet for a drink later.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Way to bury the lead.
Drew called? Yes.
No big deal.
No.
We're single together for the first time in four years, and you're already running back to him.
No, no big deal.
I'm not running back to him.
Its just drinks between two old friends.
That's it.
You two cannot be friends.
You should never be friends.
Why not? Here.
Yeah, the boyfriend girlfriend thing never really worked.
No.
I think we were always meant to be good Friends.
Yeah I was in your neighborhood and I thought you could you know, give me a little jump.
That's what friends are for.
Well, maybe it will be different this time.
And don't forget, he just got cheated on, so it's a level playing field.
Oh, please.
This is how it always starts.
But it always ends up with you two in bed.
What's with the bitch face? I just don't know why you always lose your head when it comes to drew.
Jesus, chill.
It's just a fucking drink.
It's never just a drink with you two.
It's been four years, Lizzie.
Aren't you ready to move on? You know, any stupid thing that you want to do, I am always there supporting you.
It's really shitty that you can't do the same.
Oh.
I'm glad you think my life is so stupid.
Have fun with your new bff.
Sam, come on! Sam! Wow, I've never seen you two fight before.
You know we only fight when it comes to one person.
Him.
Sam, what are you doing here? I didn't even realize I was here.
I guess I'm so used to doing walk-bys on my crushes, I just don't even realize that I'm doing it.
I just kind of ended up here.
You you have a crush on me? What? Who told you that? I mean, no! Of course not.
Besides, don't you have a girlfriend? Lulu? No, um She told me I was too nice.
What kind of weird breakup line is that? I guess some girls just love assholes.
Yeah.
Ones with no self-esteem.
Listen, I'm running out to meet a buddy, but can I call you tomorrow? Oh, sure.
Okay.
Should I give you my number or should I call you? Well, if it won't break any of your rules Why don't you give me your number.
It's a date.
Yeah.
All right.
Okay.
Have fun with your buddy.
Thank you, I will.
Okay.
Bye, Jason.
Bye.
Not my finest moment, I know.
No.
I've missed you, Lizzie.
Yeah? Actually, I wanted to talk to you about something.
I don't remember talking being a big part of our relationship, but go ahead.
Well, this is kind of I don't, I don't really know how You don't have to be shy.
You know that you can tell me anything.
Well Work has sucked lately, and I got about a million unpaid parking tickets, and they're about to boot my car, which would blow.
Yeah! 'Cause my girlfriend's is in the shop, and I really hate to ask, but could you, uh, call your friend Chuck over at the dmv and maybe he can fix a few of my tickets again? Are you You're still with that girl? Well, we each made a mistake, We're gonna try to get through it and this would really help.
Yeah, yeah.
I'll call him tomorrow.
You're the best.
Oh, yeah, I know.
I've just I've put the deposition in your box, and uh, I was just wondering if I could ask Sam out.
Whoa.
Sit.
Aw, you're asking me for permission.
How sweet.
We kind of ran into each other on the street last night and, uh, I think she actually kind of let it slip that, uh, she had a crush on me.
Huh.
Where'd you run into her? Outside my apartment.
Oh.
The old walk-by.
Sam classic.
She didn't she didn't tell you? Haven't talked to her today.
I thought you guys talked like a gagillion times a day.
Not today.
So, you don't mind? Of course, I mind.
I don't want to hear about your hairy ass or your o-face.
But if it makes Sam happy, I won't stand in your way.
Thanks, I guess.
Welcome.
Jason? Yeah? When you do ask her out, don't just text her.
Make her feel special.
Take her to that Sushi place on state street.
Sushi place on state street.
Thanks, Lizzie.
You got it.
Parking enforcement department, Chuck speaking.
Oh! How can I help you? Chuck, hi.
Hey, listen, I was wondering if you could do me a favor.
Oh, hey, Kate.
Sorry I didn't get that press release out yet.
That's okay.
As long as it goes out by tomorrow, we'll be fine.
Oh, my God.
You had sex, didn't you? What makes you say that? You have not been this happy since I took vacation.
So, how is SHERMAN? He seems delicious.
He is.
It was amazing.
I am so proud of you.
You broke your 10 date rule.
Actually, SHERMAN found a loophole.
We went on nine more dates in less than 24 hours.
So technically, I didn't have to break my rule.
Anyone who can come up with something that creative is definitely a keeper.
Oh.
This came for you by messenger.
He's waiting in the hallway for a response.
What is it? "Will you go out to Sushi ra with me tonight? "Yes or no.
No is not an option.
" It's from Jason.
Are you moving out? No.
Jordan's moving in.
Wow.
Big step.
I know.
I've never actually lived with a guy before.
It should be just like summer camp, except that the sex will be legal.
What's this? Ear plugs.
You know.
For the thin walls.
Thanks, Kaylie.
Hey, you don't think Jordan's going to get sick of me, do you? I mean, I've never actually had sex with the same guy for more than a few months.
No guy in his right mind would ever get sick of having sex with you.
I already said I was sorry over the phone.
Mmm-hmm.
Did you really need to drag me all the way out to drew's so that I can witness you guys' post coital glow? Oh, no, no, no.
Drew and I didn't have sex last night, but I am about to fuck him right now.
Check this out.
Thank you, Chuck.
Oh, you are amazing.
I think this calls for a drink.
Oh.
Definitely.
Mmm-hmm.
Oh, shit.
I have to meet Jason for dinner in 20.
Just call him and tell him you'll be a little bit late.
Just one drink, he won't mind.
Okay.
Yes.
Do you even have your car? Oh, I have my car, I just, uh I don't know where I parked it.
I can't seem to find my own car.
You know, sometimes I drink too much.
I think I parked it over Over here.
Lizzie! I think I parked it way down there! Aha! There's your favor, you fucking fuck stick! Thanks, Chuck.
Eww Did we just see Jordan No.
Not getting involved this time.
With our luck, it's probably his twin brother or something.
Probably.
Tyler, another round.
And what are we celebrating? Lizzie just booted her ex out of her life.
Hey, hey, I'll drink to that.
Wow.
I'll be right back.
Sorry to interrupt.
But I just wanted to properly introduce myself.
I'm Lizzie.
Nice to have properly meet you, Lizzie.
Although I can't say it wasn't nice to have improperly meet you as well.
I'm Leo.
Well, Leo.
We keep accidently bumping into each other, I thought maybe we could do it on purpose sometime.
Sounds like an amazing idea.
I have to say I'm liking this more ballsy you.
What are you talking about? I have always had a giant pair.
Not when it comes to being honest with yourself.
Well, maybe it's time for some new rules.
Mmm.
Leo, what's your number? I'll give you a call sometime.
Really? Well, more ballsy me.
I'm impressed.
No games.
Just walked right up to him and asked for his phone number.
Aw, my little girl's all grown up.
Oh, I know.
Weird, huh? You're dating a nice guy.
I'm throwing my rules out the window What should we drink to? Hmm.
To no more coercing guys into buying us free drinks.
To no more messing around with younger guys.
To no more bitchery.
To no more unrealistic textpectations.
To no more married guys.
To no more drinking contests.
No.
To no more ex-boyfriends.
To us.
Oh, shit.
I almost forgot Jason.
It's so late.
Oh, my God.
It's from Richard.
I thought you were over unrealistic textpectations? That was when I thought Richard was over me.
What's it say? "I've absolutely nothing to do tonight other than see you.
"This shit has gone on long enough.
I'll meet you anywhere, anytime.
"Its on.
" Oh, shit.
He's one of those made for a relationship guys.
We finally have sex, I mean, like, sex that he's actually conscious for.
He'll totally be my boyfriend.
Jason will be your boyfriend.
What should I do? I don't know.
Richard's pretty fucking hot.
But you will never find a guy sweeter than Jason.
Christ, I'm frozen.
I've been waiting for Richard for so long.
But Make your Sophie's choice.
Sam? You made it.
I pushed the reservation back.
They're holding our table.
Let's skip right to dessert.
You kids have fun.
She does know he's gay, right? No.
Oh no.
Hello.
Hey, it's me.
Jeez! It took you long enough to call.
Yes.
Do you think we can go somewhere we can be alone? What did you have in mind? Ah.
Hi.
Hi.
I thought you said you didn't spoon.
Shut up.
Lizzie, hi, it's me.
Can you meet me at the bar tonight? I might have just made a huge mistake.
Aw.
Cheer up.
Armageddon? Yeah.
Okay.