The Goode Family (2009) s01e13 Episode Script

Just pick something and close the door.
Guys, guys! Look what happened.
I have peach fuzz on my face.
Peach fuzz! See? Congratulations, Ubuntu.
This is your first step into manhood.
The other steps are a lot more fun and usually involve strippers.
You are becoming a man.
In your native Africa, there would be a wonderful culturally relative scarification or body mutilation ritual.
But we're stuck here in America, so a first shave is a perfect way to commemorate your transition.
Shave me, daddy! I'd better handle this one.
If he needs help shaving his legs, he'll come to you.
We've got a problem out here.
People were honking at me, but I figured they just agreed with our bumper stickers.
I'll call the tow company.
What kind of man doesn't know how to change a tire? Dad, changing a tire doesn't make you a man.
Now, changing the world Yeah, yeah.
Bottom line is, your boy is becoming a man, - and I'm the one who needs to show him the way.
- Ubuntu's becoming a man? What exactly did you see? Peach fuzz.
Feel it! - You sure you weren't kissing bunnies at the pet store again? - It's for real.
Good thing grandpa Charlie's here to teach him the ropes.
I don't want my dad teaching our son about manhood.
Shaving is the trojan horse he's going to use to sneak in and corrupt Ubuntu.
Remember when dad took care of Che? Get it while it's bloody! What? It took nearly a week of soy enemas for Che to come back to his senses.
And now he's more committed to a vegan lifestyle than ever.
Done.
Thanks for fixing the tire, Trish.
It's so good to have a friend in the biz.
Oh, hi, mo! Are you working here now, too? No, I'm more of a fan.
I just love the smell.
Hey, Ma! - What? - No, Ma, not Mom.
- What? - Got any money? I need to hit the drugstore for some peroxide.
My girlfriend says my tongue ring's infected again.
Oh, God! Get away from me, Kevin! Pig.
Get a room, you two.
It's like they never broke up.
They grow up so fast.
That's why, well We haven't told anyone else this, but We're gonna have another baby! I had a feeling when I saw you, but I didn't want to say anything in case you weren't pregnant.
- That would be so embarrass.
- I'm not pregnant.
I was talking about Trish.
I'm not either.
See, Gerald? We're still trying to get up the courage to ask a sperm donor.
It's kind of an awkward subject to broach.
What about Kevin's biological father? Kevin was an accident.
- How is that possible - You guys are great parents.
I'm sure you'll have no trouble finding a donor.
We'd like it to be someone we feel close to.
I am so happy! Now, do you accept competitors' coupons, and do you consider a dry cleaner a competitor? So, Gerald, what do you think about Mo and Trish's proposition? Great, just great.
You know, I always say, more gay couples should have children.
Yeah.
If I were Kevin's moms, I'd want a do-over, too.
I'm so proud of you, Gerald Goode.
Well, thank you, but Oh, my God! Mo and Trish want my sperm! I'm so excited! Giving a baby to a gay couple is one of the greatest things any human being can do.
Margo's gonna crap herself when I tell her.
Oh, God! This is a nightmare! My ex-boyfriend is going to be my half brother? Are you trying to screw me up? We haven't really decided yet.
Are you kidding? This is the kind of thing you guys live for.
Look at Mom right now! I'd better find a way to deal with Kevin.
Let's keep this between us.
Mo and Trish might not want the whole neighborhood to know.
What do Mo and Trish not want the whole neighborhood to know? Gerald is donating sperm to our lesbian friends - so they could have a baby.
- Please, Helen! I know a place that gives you 70 bucks a visit.
Paid for my truck and the boat that's hitched to it.
- That's a lot of visits.
- 70 dollars? Did I hear you say you're giving Mo and Trish a baby? - We're not sure - Yes! If you give it to them, Gerald, you can't take it back, like the watering can.
Hey, if you guys are just giving out babies, I'll take one.
A child will solve all my problems.
Go, go! Ubuntu needs a new pair of clogs! I win! - Grampa, call our bookie! - I'm on it.
Mom, dad, grampa's teaching me how to invest in horses.
Gambling on animals? Real men will gamble on anything.
Charlie, I never gamble.
My point exactly.
A real man grabs life by the jabordnicks.
He starts the day on the floor of the drunk tank and ends it on a bed in a bordello.
He gets a hernia, and he doesn't get it treated - until his stomach drops out of his thigh.
- Cool.
A real man gives lesbians his seed to father a child for them, - like Gerald is doing for Mo and Trish.
- Helen! That's so awesome! No, it isn't! Strippers are awesome! I'm gonna have a little half brother! I need to make him a card.
Are you sure that being a donor for Mo and Trish is the right thing to do? Gerald, this is the perfect way to show Ubuntu that real manhood is not about selfishness but about selflessness.
You'll get absolutely no pleasure, but potential responsibilities.
Talk about leading by example, huh? - Well, that does sound right.
- Helen! This should interest you.
The Greenville Art council just tapped me to curate this year's irreverent and courageous Gerald is giving his sperm to our lesbian friends so they can have a baby! Damn it, Kent! I can't do everything! Kevin, we need to talk.
I just wanted to say some things have changed, and I think we should try to be, like, friends, You know, in case we ever become related or something.
- So you want to marry me? - No! How about you get the hell out of here before I bust you up? Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight! Kiss! Fight! Fight! Fight! Look! Nitro-burning funny cars! Hey, guys! Mo, put on some pants.
Gerald and Helen are here, and they brought booze! Mo, Trish, we have good news.
Helen and I have discussed it, and, well, our answer is Yes! Yes to what? To what? Well, to giving you a baby.
Gerald, no offense, but we may not want to have a girl.
No, we're looking for a man's man.
No offense.
Well, I appreciate that you keep saying "no offense", but it might be easier if you just stopped insulting me.
I'm confused.
You said it was awkward to ask.
And gettin' more awkward by the minute.
Not a man's man? I get hit on by men all the time.
They're talking nonsense, Gerald.
They're lesbians.
Their view of masculinity is skewed.
The important thing is that Ubuntu can't find out, or we'll lose him to Charlie forever.
Find out what? Nothing.
Mo and Trish don't think I'm manly enough to give them a baby.
Isn't that crazy? - Isn't it? - I don't know, Gerald.
You do wear women's jeans.
Well, I have a wide pelvis.
Gerald, you carry pepper spray in your bag.
So no one thinks I'm manly? Penny? Well, you always treat me with respect and equality You know, like a sissy.
Hi, mom! Hi, dad! Were Mo and Trish super happy about having your baby? Well, Ubuntu, let's just say Yes! They were downright giddy.
So, Ubuntu, ready to get shaving? Because your father is ready to teach you.
- Yes.
Let's go! - He can't shave yet! He has to wait till the beard and mustache connect.
Every guy knows that.
Women are like underwear.
You should change them every three days.
Gerald, this is terrible.
We can't let this happen.
Can you imagine if that old buzzard gets his talons into our Ubuntu? Sell! Buy! Sell! Buy! Sell, buy, sell, buy! Oh, God! What do we do? There's only one thing that's gonna trump Charlie, and we know what that is.
You have to father Mo and Trish's baby.
- But they don't want to have my baby.
- Oh, they will.
I feel silly, Helen.
Listen, Gerald, your job is to stay silent and nod.
And put this down your pants.
Helen, size doesn't matter.
You explained that to me on our fourth date.
I know that, and you know that, but lesbians don't know that.
Now do it! For Ubuntu.
Hey, Helen! Gerald, is that you? Is everything okay with the tires? The tires are fine.
But after we got home last night, Gerald and I kind of ruined the shocks, if you know what I mean.
We had car sex.
That's his mating call.
Not now, big guy.
He's probably gonna see if the vending machine has beer or tools.
Men and their tools Is that a squash? Yo, Ubuntu, I think your sister's still into me.
Really? You should date her.
She's a wonderful person.
Yeah, but I'm still chilling with Amber.
She buys me stuff.
My grampa says a real man can have as many girls as he wants.
God put them on Earth to make men happy.
I do deserve to be happy.
See you, daddy! Grampa's taking me to the newsstand.
So I can decide what my gentlemen's magazine of choice is going to be.
I like "Dwell", but We're talking about nudie magazines, Gerald.
Bye, dad.
I used to get "Chocolate Nurse" magazine, but they heavily edited my letters, so I canceled my subscription.
I feel so lost, Helen.
I know Charlie isn't the answer to showing Ubuntu how to be a man, but now I'm not sure I am, either.
I'm gonna go draw a bath.
Stop right there, Gerald! You are a man.
You've just lost your confidence.
But I know how you're gonna get it back.
A drum circle? At the learning annex! "Reawaken your manhood with the ancient native american art of drum circling.
" They teach you how to summon the mighty eagle inside of you.
You're always saying how you want to do that.
Oh, that does sound good.
Is this everybody? This is it.
You ready to unleash your inner man? Okay, let's go back in time, when men sat in circles and told tales of the hunt.
And if you need to go to the bathroom, you don't need to raise your hand.
Oh, easy, friend.
You want to leave yourself somewhere to go.
Wow, I'm really digging this.
It's so raw, so tribal.
- Who are we? - We are men! Yes.
Yes, I am a man! Good news, Bliss.
- We're back on.
- What? I'm not interested in you.
But are you interested in taking a shower with me? You're not listening to me, Kevin.
I hate you.
There's a fine line between love and hate.
No, there's not.
You are so vile.
And now we kiss.
Bliss? Bliss! Hey, Amber! I guess we'll just keep it you and me for now.
It was amazing, Helen.
I felt so alive in that circle.
You seem different.
You even smell different.
I'd say musky.
Gerald, Ubuntu needs to see you drum in all your primal glory.
Charlie can never compete with that.
You're right.
Gambling and pornography have nothing on the ancient rhythms of the forest.
Nice face paint, Chad.
Hey, did you finally tell your boss how you feel, Timothy? You will.
Hey, Franklin, we have to hit the skins hard today.
My son's coming straight from football practice to watch us.
Damn.
And my carpal tunnel acting up.
Drum it away, Franklin.
Drum it away.
Okay, men, let's hit it! Step it up, boys.
Drum like thunder! Now we're hittin' it.
Ladies! We're in the spreadsheet class next door, and we can't hear ourselves think.
So bring down the tippy-tappy to a pitter-patter.
You got it? Sorry! It won't happen again.
Wait.
We're in a drum circle class.
We shouldn't have to keep it down.
Oh, yeah? I say you do.
So I'm gonna adjust your volume control.
He done knocked a hole in your drum.
What do you say? Your inner man want to do something about it? Huh? Does it? No.
No, I'm sorry.
We'll keep it down.
Thought so.
Oh, God! You guys are gonna "eyes wide shut" me, aren't you? Dad! I'm connected.
I'm ready to shave.
Teach me.
Teach me! Go with your grandfather.
He can teach you what you need to know.
So how did it go? Did Ubuntu like it? I'm sure he was What happened? Some spreadsheet bullies broke my drum, and I didn't do anything about it.
Well, restraint and pacifism - are manly attributes - Don't, Helen! Now, in a few years, you'll need to learn how to shave drunk.
Mo? Trish? What are you guys doing here? Sorry, Gerald.
Kevin climbed up your tree and won't come down.
And I'm not coming down until Bliss takes me back! Or Amber.
We've never seen him like this.
We don't know what to do.
We can't burn him out.
Can we? Ubuntu! You said I could have as many girls as I wanted.
- Now I have none! - You said that? That's what grampa told me.
Right, grampa? Damn straight.
Now, I may not know everything about women, but I do know that that is dead wrong.
You should always treat women with respect and as individuals.
Now come on down.
I'm not coming down! My heart is broke over Bliss Or Amber.
Kevin, I know you think you're angry, but you really aren't.
What you're feeling is sad and rejected.
But those are scarier feelings to let out, aren't they? Yes.
It's okay, Kevin.
I always tell Ubuntu that it takes real courage to cry, - especially for a man.
- Oh, God! Go ahead.
Let it out.
I want to come down.
I don't want to be alone.
I want to be with Bliss Or Amber.
Kevin, if you learn how to make a girl feel special, you will never need to worry about being alone.
But you really do need to decide between Amber or Bliss.
What? No.
I strongly suggest Amber.
Amber! Wow, Gerald, that was Impressive.
Manly, even? In a weird way, yes.
You know, we realize we have our hands full with Kevin, and we'll probably be raising a baby of his anyway, so we're not gonna have another of our own.
But if we did, you'd be the type of man we'd want to be the donor.
- Really? - Would you two mind telling Margo that? Come on, Ubuntu, let's leave these crybabies.
It's time to shave.
No, Charlie! Ubuntu is my son.
I'll shave him.
Now, the first step when shaving is to exfoliate.
Exfoliate.
Got it.
With what? Well, chamomile is not just for tea, son.
Let's turn it up a notch! What about the spreadsheet guys? Oh, I'm not worried about them.
They come on Wednesdays and Fridays.
Then I'm taking my shirt off.