The Kids Are Alright (2018) s01e13 Episode Script

1 ["Turkey in the Straw" plays.]
ADULT TIMMY: Our church's annual Talent Night was a few days away, and my brothers and I were getting ready.
Where have I heard that song before? Ice cream truck! Ice cream truck! [Applause.]
Well, we know one of us has college paid for.
I always looked forward to doing my thing on Talent Night especially this year, because my thing was a thing my dad didn't actually hate.
[As Rodney Dangerfield.]
I tell ya.
When I was a kid, all I knew was rejection.
My yo-yo it never came back.
- No respect.
No respect at all.
- [Laughing.]
Even his yo-yo didn't respect him.
For my act, I chose to do stand-up comedy, imitating one of my father's favorite comedians.
DANGERFIELD: What a dumb family I got.
Last week, I looked up my family tree.
- Two dogs were using it.
- [Both laugh.]
ADULT TIMMY: He loved the old-timers with their one-liners.
Rodney Dangerfield, Rickles, and Henny Youngman.
Two dumb guys go bear hunting.
They see a sign on the road, "Bear Left," - so they went home.
- [Both laugh.]
My dad could not actually tell a joke, but he had perfected the art of joke-explaining.
Take my wife please! You see, you think he's bringing up the topic of his wife, but he really just wants to be rid of her.
Under Understanding what it means makes it even funnier! - [Both laugh.]
- Shouldn't he be in bed? These are the precious hours for pretending I don't have kids.
- Please, Dad! - It's a school night.
He's getting an education right here.
"Take my wife" can mean two things.
[Quietly.]
I wish Jesus would take me right now.
[As Dangerfield.]
I tell ya, marriage is no picnic.
My wife and I were happy for 20 years.
- Then we met.
- [Laughs.]
She's a peach, that one.
Last night our house caught fire.
I heard her tell the kids, "Be quiet.
You'll wake up Daddy".
[Laughs.]
She wants him to burn up.
That is not a happy marriage.
Dinner! It's leftovers.
Finish 'em tonight, or they'll just keep coming back.
The man in the truck gave me an ice cream.
- You found an ice cream truck? - No.
These are the Valentines people gave me last year.
I'm covering up the name, so try not to give the same one back to the kid who gave it to you.
[Scoffs.]
Valentine cards? Not the way I'd go.
You like a girl? You need to act like you're not interested.
- But I'm not interested.
- Very good, compadre.
I'm headed over to Davey's, and then we'll be hanging out at "the Sev" until late.
Hanging out at the convenience store? What's the big attraction over there? It's not here.
Can't argue with that.
"Some Bunny Loves You".
Pretty forward for the second grade.
And the way she's holding that carrot Mom, I got this for Wendi, then I figured I should try a couple to see if they're okay, but [Papers rattle.]
Sounds a bit rattly.
There still might be some Halloween candy you can use to fill in the empties.
Don't you remember, Mama? A burglar broke in and stole all my Halloween candy and Timmy's "Godspell" album he played all the time.
Cover your eyes, Pat.
Be sure to check for razor blades.
Your dad's running short.
Hey, Mom, there's a really bad smell in here.
I'm worried maybe Pat's hamster finally turned up.
Yay! Darby's back.
If he's back, then it's hamster Easter.
[Sniffing.]
Holy Moly, I smell it, too.
But we can call off the manhunt.
This isn't a problem we can just fling over the fence into Mrs.
Strausser's yard.
When was the last time you took a bath? [As Dangerfield.]
Why? Is there one missing? [Normal voice.]
I had one on Saturday, like always.
Once a week isn't cutting it anymore, kiddo.
You need to take a shower every morning, - like your big brothers.
- There goes the water bill.
Everybody drink less water or fill up at school, where it's free.
Wait, a shower every day? Who has that kind of time? It's quick unless you linger in there like Frank does, doing God knows what.
Excuse me for being thorough.
Funny.
You always get "thorough" right after a "Batman" episode with Catwoman.
I Does this mean no more baths in Timmy's secondhand tub water? It's not that bad.
The changing of the guard is the awkward part.
- What if I promise not to sweat? - It's not just the sweat.
You've got glands now, and they're going to town with the hormones and the secretions.
And the hairs popping up in places you don't want a razor anywhere near.
It's all perfectly natural and disgusting.
Ah yes, I remember this "delicate" puberty talk.
Puberty? I don't want any puberty.
Can't be stopped.
No, but you can minimize your shamefulness through compulsive washing and hiding your body under loose-fitting clothes.
Thanks a lot.
Now I actually am sweating.
Since we're already mixing things up, can I stop sharing a tub with Pat? Ridiculous.
Next, you'll want your own toothbrush.
[Scoffs.]
Look, Mom.
I got 40 Valentines today and a banana! I gave you the banana.
Aw, I love you too, Mom.
A lot of fuss and feathers over Valentines.
You ever miss that you and I don't What are you talking about? I picked this out special for you.
"Olive you".
And a picture of an olive.
[Chuckles.]
See an "olive" sounds like "I love".
[Chuckles.]
- Here's yours.
- Ah.
"Your super cute you're secret admirer".
- [Chuckles.]
- You even spelled both "yours" wrong.
I'm adorable.
We're home.
I saw a pig today.
In a jar.
[Sniffs.]
Timmy? What's up? You didn't take that shower we talked about.
Fine.
Give me a wet paper towel.
I'll hit the hot spots.
You're one big hot spot, kid.
Do as your mom says.
I'm late.
I gotta go practice my act at the Parish Hall.
I'll shower when I get home.
Okay, stinky.
We can do this the easy way or the hard way.
You set me up! It's not personal.
- It's personal hygiene.
- [Chuckles.]
[Distorted.]
Noooo! ["The Six Million Dollar Man" sound effect.]
Eddie, you're up.
Wha? Aah! Aah! [Laughs.]
Oh! Idiot.
[Groans.]
Looks like Frank picked the hard way.
I'm handing this off to you now.
Just throw him in the tub and do that thing you did in the war to Nazi spies.
I kinda sugar-coated that story, Peg.
I say we just let this Timmy thing play itself out.
We can't just ignore this.
Smell my kitchen.
It's like we have better-quality cheese than the cheese we buy.
It's not like we haven't been through this before.
As soon as a boy that age starts getting interested in girls, this whole showering issue will solve itself.
You want to leave this to Mother Nature? Yeah, and whichever unfortunate female out there "awakens the beast".
Ugh.
I feel sorry for everyone involved in that scenario.
You know that Supremes song "You Can't Hurry Love"? My mom wasn't a fan.
She knew instinctively that the way to get a narcissist like me into girls was to make me think a girl was into me.
- [Clears throat.]
- I forgot my bag! I'll be back for dinner, Mom! [Groans.]
[Panting.]
Eddie, hi.
I thought we were going out later.
I wanted to give these to you early, because I cannot stop eating them and there won't be anything left but candy corn.
That's so nice of you.
[Chuckles.]
Oh! So that's how you get in and out of there.
Listen, it's actually pretty slow today.
"Tennis Cat" didn't turn out to be the Valentine's date movie my manager thought it would be.
I'll see if I can go early.
What time are the reservations? Okay, good.
So that's not a problem.
If any customers come, say I'll be back in a jif.
- You want to sit in the booth? - Yes, please.
But just don't touch the Yeah, don't touch that.
Sorry.
It's my first day.
[As Dangerfield.]
My doctor says I drink too much.
Last time I gave a urine sample, there was an olive in it! [Normal voice.]
Hold for laughs, hold for laughs As a disciplined performer, I liked to visit the venue before a show and get a feel for the space.
[As Dangerfield.]
I tell ya.
My wife made me join a bridge club.
I jump off next Tuesday! [Normal voice.]
Hold for laughs, hold for laughs.
Six, seven, eight What are you doing? Oh, hey, Lisa.
I'm just practicing my jokes.
Was that supposed to be funny? Absolutely.
Did you see how long I had to hold for laughs? It just seems weird, making jokes about alcoholism and jumping off a bridge.
People die from things like that.
It's a lot better when you see me in wardrobe it adds a layer of pathos which makes it safe to laugh.
Well, I'll be at the show.
My brother is doing his magic act.
Your brother dabbles in the conjuring arts? He's a dork, if that's what you mean.
Yeah.
That's what I meant.
I gotta go meet my friends at "the Sev".
I'll see you around.
Uh, okay.
Up until that moment, I had always sought my admiration in bulk from the adoring eyes of a cheering crowd.
Could I be equally satisfied by just one person? The short answer is no at least not until my early 30s, but then still not really.
- Happy Valentine's Day! - Agh what the Put that away! Oh, my God, I'm so embarrassed.
I-I thought you were that girl.
W-Where'd she go? She's inside.
She'll be back in a jiff.
And I'm not supposed to touch this.
Get it together, man.
You get it together! You're the weirdo! If I could figure out how to get out of here, I'd knock your block off.
Well well, tell her I came by.
Happy Valentine's Day.
Happy Valentine's Day.
Agh! Oh, Timmy.
Shreigt knop-nu.
I just said "Good evening" in the Magorian language as translated in the Chronicles of Quaytar.
I'm hoping it can count as my foreign language in high school.
The first phrase you're gonna need to learn is "Stop hitting me with my book".
Magorian is a language of peace.
They have 11 different words for "hug".
Somebody put it in my book bag.
I think it's this girl Lisa.
"Your super cute.
You're secret admirer".
She told me that she was gonna be at "the Sev" tonight and then she said "See you around".
Googeegan Very googeegan [Doorknob rattling.]
Okay, Alan said I can go.
Wendi, there's a man out there wearing a long leather coat.
It's a very cool coat, but what he did was not cool.
Oh, you mean He's done this before? To you? Does it make you feel less special? This is terrible! We should call the police! Or maybe we can just go out and not let some creep ruin our evening.
You're just letting this go? There's a guy out there showing people stuff that only his doctor and gym coach should see.
This is one of the hassles of this job.
You're a captive audience in a little box.
I get lonely old people and Jehovah's Witnesses and sometimes men in raincoats who also want witnesses.
- We have to tell your manager.
- No.
If I choose to, I will say something to Alan, but believe me, it's not going to help.
I thought you were taking off.
I want to report an incident.
Eddie, stop.
It was a flasher, Alan.
But it's no big deal.
- Flasher? - It is a big deal.
He's done it before, and he tricks you by wearing a really cool coat.
We can't have that stuff around here.
We do a strong family business.
Well, not this week.
Thank you, "Tennis Cat".
I appreciate you reporting it.
See, Wendi? Alan gets it.
Now, what can we do to make sure this doesn't happen to Wendi again? I can't believe he fired you.
I can.
Alan's a worm.
I knew he'd do something like this.
Well, then, maybe you're better off.
No, I'm not.
I liked this job.
I could go see free movies, I could do my homework I saw a really funny car accident.
That's why I wish you had just left it alone.
You know what? I don't feel like going out tonight.
Is it 'cause you aren't making any money? 'Cause we can go Dutch.
I've heard Dutch food is less expensive.
I just want to go home.
One for "Tennis Cat," please? 20 minutes to sloppy joes.
It was meant to be hamburgers, but this ground chuck refuses to clump.
Would it be okay if I went and hung out with the gang at "the Sev" instead? What's the big attraction at "the Sev"? - It's not here.
- Oh, I get that.
I suppose.
I just wish you'd said you weren't eating before I stretched this with a can of tuna.
Could be why it's not clumping, Peg.
Ugh.
Maybe I'll take a shower first.
Mm.
Like I said, it was only a matter of time.
I may have sped up that process a little.
I put that secret admirer's Valentine in his book bag.
That's kind of a devious trick.
Having kids can be a slog.
You've got to do things to keep it interesting.
Oh, trust me, I'm not gonna miss that smell.
I had to flip over all the sofa cushions.
But the poor kid is now walking around thinking And no longer stinking, hm? I'm just not sure you should be playing God, hon.
God has a lot on His plate.
He needs someone qualified to take up the slack.
Wash up for dinner! We're having surf 'n' turf! Now I'm a man Of mid 21 What's poppin', gents? My Skynyrd shirt.
Nice.
Hope you don't mind.
I'm a big fan of Leonard's.
So, what are you doing here? Your mom send you to buy some Kaopectate? [Laughs.]
Hey, you guys hear about Timmy's diarrhea? - It's all over town.
- [Laughter.]
He's joking.
I don't have I don't have diarrhea.
Never mind.
So, when do things get started around here? [Laughs.]
"Started"? This is it.
Oh, we're already doing it.
Nice.
It just doesn't seem like we're doing much.
That's the whole point.
If we're just standing here, then standing here is the coolest possible thing you can do.
If I go in and buy some Wacky Packs, then that's what you want to be doing.
Yeah, unless you wanna suck.
I don't want to suck.
Now you get it, Diarrhea.
[Laughter.]
The secret to being cool is confidence.
And not sprayin' your shorts, like you are.
Will you please stop it? Hey, Joey.
Hi, Timmy.
I hope your tummy's feeling better.
Much better, thank you.
What's happening, Kathy? Nothing much.
Is that your bike? That's my ride, yeah.
I like the color.
It's like orange, but not orange-orange.
I still have a dumb Princess bike.
It's not as cool as yours.
Hey, to each, right? I bet your bike is really fast.
I could give you a ride.
I'll take a ride.
If that's what the lady wants.
I'm a man Spelled "M" - A-N - What did I just see happen? Joey is a master.
Does she want a ride? Does she not want a ride? He's good either way, so of course she wants the ride.
So by not trying to get something, he gets it? Listen, you don't want to be enthusiastic about chicks or anything, okay? Liking stuff is for dorks.
Hey, Davey.
Hey.
Buy me a grape Fanta, I'll try to remember your name.
Screw you.
The game is afoot.
So, Lisa never came to "the Sev"? No, and all day at school, she didn't even look at me.
I'm sorry.
I guess she doesn't really like you.
You don't understand how stuff works.
Ignoring me probably means she's super interested.
In fact, she ignored me so much today, I'm a little worried we're moving too fast.
- Hey, Dad.
- Hey.
Your idiot brother fell off the roof and busted the steps with his big, fat head.
I'd make him fix it himself, but, uh, his "vision is blurry".
I'm gonna be at this for a while.
Do you want to come out and work on your act - for the show tomorrow? - I don't know.
I'm thinking about not doing the show.
Well, look, it makes sense if you're a little nervous.
I, uh, heard about your stomach issues.
There's nothing wrong with my stomach! It's just, this Rodney Dangerfield stuff seems dorky to me now.
Oh, now you're turning on him, too? All the man wants is a little respect.
I just don't feel like doing it, okay? I'm gonna go take a shower.
I could grab my accordion, Dad.
I'm pretty much done here.
I'll be quick.
Another shower? We'll have to buy a third towel.
Well, let's not go nuts.
- This is your doing.
- [Scoffs.]
Getting the boy all confused that some girl likes him? Last week, he's wiggling around in a skirt, singing the Chiquita Banana song.
Suddenly, he's worried about looking dorky? Oh, it's a shame, Peg.
These kids in a road-race to leapfrog over adolescence to sex-sex-sex.
Whatever happened to playing Red Rover, huh? Or carving a bi-plane out of balsa wood or catching polliwogs in a creek? I didn't realize I was married to Huck Finn.
You know, we had a very stinky problem, which I solved, so I hope there's a "thank you" at the end of this.
You know, we lose something growing these kids up too quick.
His Dangerfield act was hilarious.
I mean, yeah, the kid can be a jackass, but there's something special there.
Now what are we left with? Just another teenager trying to be "cool".
- [Accordion plays.]
- [Groans.]
I got to find that kid a secret admirer.
[Accordion continues.]
[Indistinct conversations.]
You guys gonna sit down? Standing's the way to go.
Yeah, we're here, but it's not like we're into being here.
Plus, we can make fun of stuff without disturbing the other patrons.
We're cool, but we're not rude.
And there she was.
The girl I thought I maybe liked, mostly because I thought maybe she liked me.
And both of us playing it cool.
The indifference was electrifying.
Your mom said you got your job back but you were still mad so I should give you some space.
My mom should mind her own business.
Yeah, your mom.
That's who we're mad at now.
Your mom.
I brought you a peace offering more of that Halloween and the cast album to "Godspell".
You should go.
To get my job back, I had to threaten Alan with telling the health department how he sells floor popcorn.
And don't even get me started on the hot dogs.
I know.
They are really good here.
What about that pervert? I brought this.
Now I can flash him right back.
You wouldn't have to worry about that if you worked behind the candy counter.
I could talk to Alan for you.
No, stop.
Stuff would happen at the candy counter, too.
Women deal with that crap every day.
Men cat-calling you on the street or dropping change so they can look up your skirt.
[Chuckles.]
I am constantly dropping my change.
Is that what women think I'm doing?! Think about the way your brothers talk about girls on TV.
Or Joey with his friends at "the Sev".
Women live in a world you can't begin to appreciate.
I get it.
It must be like how Tennis Cat felt being the only cat playing at Wimbledon.
All the unwanted attention and the cat-calls.
But those were the other cats cheering him on.
There's nothing I can do to help? Just keep being the decent guy you are.
And learn to handle your change better.
[Laughs.]
Come back after my shift.
I still want that Valentine's dinner.
I'll even let you pay for it, as a gesture of equality and respect.
The boys who work here make an extra buck an hour, so I'll let you pay.
I'd be happy to.
[Coins jingle.]
- Pervert.
- Ew! [Sousa's "Stars and Stripes Forever" plays.]
That is one lucky baton.
Oh, yeah.
For some reason, Davey thought the baton was lucky, but I was envying the girl up on stage in a glittery costume, doing something she was marginally good at, and getting applause! [Applause.]
[Feedback.]
Take my wife.
Please! [Laughter.]
I have been in love with the same woman for 42 years.
If my wife finds out, she'll kill me.
- [Laughter.]
- You see? You think he's talking about his wife, but - I get it.
- [Chuckles.]
You know, seeing this kid, I'm regretting now Timmy didn't do his stupid act.
Hm.
Although, even 10 rows back, I am picking up B.
O.
There was a girl knocking on my hotel room door all night.
Finally, I let her out.
[Chuckling.]
I want to crap on this kid for trying so hard, but damn it, he's too funny! I told the doctor that I broke my leg in two places.
He told me to quit going to those places.
- [Laughter.]
- Thank you.
[Cheers and applause.]
William's got to go on after him? About time.
I've had it up to here with this "New York" humor.
["Turkey in the Straw" plays.]
Ice cream truck! Ice cream truck! I'm gonna go follow him this time.
[Music continues.]
Okay, gents, gotta get set for my performance.
What? You're in the show? Davey said this stuff wasn't cool.
The secret to being cool is not caring what anybody else thinks.
Especially some bozo like Davey.
And I don't care that you think I'm a bozo.
Cool.
Okay, that bozo thing did kind of hurt a little.
[Rock music plays.]
I'd like to dedicate this to all the beautiful ladies out there tonight.
Happy Valentine's Day.
This might not be exactly what happened, but it's sure how I remember it.
[Motorcycle engine revving.]
- What? - [Laughs.]
[Cheers and applause.]
I realized that night the true definition of coolness not being afraid to be yourself.
Especially when yourself is riding a motorcycle inside an awesome Globe of Death.
[Cheers and applause.]
So, are we asking Joey how he got his hands on a "Globe of Death"? I assume that belongs to the church.
You know, Vatican II, trying to bring in the young people.
Let's go congratulate Evel Knievel.
Hang on a sec.
I think there might be more.
[Calypso music plays.]
Oh, for cripe's sake.
WOMAN: Hello, amigo! I'm Chiquita Banana, and I've come to say You did that? Got your little jackass back.
When they are flecked with brown And have a golden hue Bananas taste the best - And are the best for you - Well, you've got to admire his nerve - Yeah.
- wiggling around up there like that.
Especially with that dicey stomach.
Any way you want to eat them It's impossible to beat them