The Larry Sanders Show (1992) s01e13 Episode Script

Where did I go? I went with my in-laws.
- We went to Egypt.
- Wow.
- I know you're excited.
- I am.
"Wow" backwards is "wow.
" Did you know that? "Wow" upside-down is "Mom," and Mom upside-down is Dad's favorite thing.
Thank you.
My parents are in the audience.
We went to Egypt with my in-laws who are a lot of fun if you like being in a vault with them.
I don't know what that means, but thank you for laughing.
We went there, and it was a beautiful country.
I learned quite a bit.
We went during Christmas.
There were Christmas lights on the pyramids which is kind of a joke, but not quite.
Then we went to the Sphinx.
We went to the back of the Sphinx.
But nobody ever goes there because it Sphinx back there.
That's why.
It's interesting.
All the women look likeJamie Farr.
I'm a big Jamie Farr fan and I love women so the combination just turned me on major.
Major that's from MASH too.
It was interesting because you have to tip in the bathroom at the airport for toilet paper.
Basically, you're negotiating.
There's a guy under your stall reaching in.
You're exchanging the money, hoping you can just "Give the money.
" "Give me the paper.
" I made a mistake.
I didn't understand the currency and I gave him $17 for three sheets of toilet paper.
I realized you're better off just using the currency getting a wad of bills and hoping you don't get chaffed.
Staying aware of the exchange rate there.
So Hank, have you ever been in the Middle East? Indeed I am.
I believe Hank was just then in the Middle East.
We were there with a guy named Dr.
Marvin who came out of the restroom at the airport in Egypt.
He had eaten a lot of food that didn't agree with him.
He said, " I have a problem.
The Earth just came out of me.
" - That's Dr.
Marvin.
- He was covered in water.
It was disgusting and horrible.
We're very close.
He looks likeJamie Farr.
Then we went When you get close to him, but then when he's Farr, forget it.
So then we I didn't even need to be there for the fuckin' Saget interview.
- Good show.
- All I said was "Hi, Bob.
Bye, Bob.
" I could've been working at a Jack In The Box.
Don't diminish yourself.
Anyone with less talent would've tried to interrupt.
I don't know that that's necessarily true.
It just seems to me Did I go on too long? Was I rambling? Absolutely not.
You were great.
Love your work, Bob.
Yeah, love the one where the man gets hit in the nuts with the Wiffle Ball.
- Any time.
- Come back any time, Bob.
- Thanks.
- Sure.
- Who do we have on tomorrow night? - Earl Holliman.
He's got a new TV show.
An author, and don't panic, but Macaulay Culkin dropped out.
Geography quiz.
But I'm working on a new guest now.
- Who's Leno got? - Macauley Culkin.
- Why, you - I'm just kidding you.
All he's got is Dudley Moore.
The network is pushing Donna Mills.
Donna Mills? Even Kiss is working without makeup, Artie.
Excuse me, Arthur.
You know Ray.
Larry, you know my friend Ray, host of Family Feud.
We're on our way to the Smokehouse.
You wanna go? - Ah, gee - We're havin' a couple beerskis.
- Beerskis.
Survey says "no.
" Really.
- All right.
- See you Ray.
Hank.
- Hey now.
You like Teri Garr.
You want to bring her back? I like Teri Garr too.
Yeah, absolutely.
I liked when she hiked her dress up.
That was funny.
- You got too inside on that section.
- I know.
- Hank jumped in with a good bit.
- That was a fluke.
The guy cares less about the show every night.
Hank doesn't know a thing about the show till he's on the air.
He feels it keeps him spontaneous.
It serves him well.
Did you seem him tonight practically asleep on the couch at one point? I looked Well, who am I protecting? He was asleep on the couch.
Of course.
He's a fucking moron.
What do you expect? The important thing you're on, and you're doing a great job.
All right, you guys, thank me later Emo Phillips.
What, Gallagher out of fruit? - No Emo.
- Thank you.
- You know - Hi, honey.
Jeannie.
- Will you talk to him, please? - Why don't you? He's your friend.
Because You want me to talk to him? Sure.
Thank you.
He was asleep on the couch.
I would've tucked him in, but there's a network TV show going on.
Dianne, please, not this morning.
Trust me, we love Emo here.
I think he's a riot.
Fine, I'll check the board again.
Oh, Jesus, the 16th's booked up too.
Perhaps we can have him on with a guest host or something.
He did Police Academy.
This is funny.
- This one's funny.
- The thing about Dahmer? Did you see that? You can't say "gay.
" Sorry.
It's offensive to serial killers, isn't it? - Which is half our audience.
- And the other half are victims.
So we'd offend everybody with that joke.
What were you thinking? Oh! Did we get JanetJackson for tonight? We gotJanetJackson? That'd be great.
Especially if she talks about the beatings she took from her father.
Or if she does the - I know where you're going.
- Got it.
- Thanks.
- All right.
Good-bye.
As much as I respect you, Paula says thanks.
- Do we haveJanetJackson? - Yeah, I just confirmed.
- Oh, great.
- Excuse me, Larry.
- Here's something from a fan in Florida.
- Beverly, I don't want to see it.
Some things are too good to miss.
It's a candle in the shape of your head.
- It's a good likeness.
- It's frightening.
Maybe it looks better when it's lit.
That would be my guess.
- So what did Hank say? - About what? - About sleeping on the couch.
- He isn't in yet.
What's he doing, another one of those commercials for Safety Shutters? Yes, or some similar piece of shit.
I don't know what.
The important thing is, this is your first guest here.
He's a man.
He wrote a book about how to train your dog.
Is this the author you were talking about? - He took two years to write this book.
- It's about dogs! Of course it is.
It's very, very funny.
- To people or to dogs? - Hopefully to both.
Paula says his animals are like children to him, which I find very sad.
Artie, do you think we need to replace Hank? - Hey, Hank? - Hey now.
What do you think of this joke? Which one, because there's a lot of jokes on this page.
The one that is circled, actually.
Hey.
- Hey now.
- Here's your itinerary.
The only one I'm concerned about is tonight 'cause there's a helicopter picking you up on the roof exactly five minutes after the show to get you to San Bernardino - for the shopping mall opening on time.
- All right.
Thanks, Darlene.
Make sure they have a pillow and Drambuie on the helicopter.
I'd like to fuck her.
You don't play for the Kings.
Do you ever turn down anything? Oh, sure.
The R.
V.
Show at the Rose Bowl.
No, you are doing that Sunday afternoon, 1:02 p.
m.
Oh, that's right.
Well, that's the biggest one in the country.
- No, that's the national one.
- Is that right? They got all the R.
V.
Dealers from all over the Western region.
- They got a ton of money, those people.
- Ton of money.
- Hey now.
- Could I talk to you for a second? - Sure.
- Great.
Come on.
- I'm gonna be in here.
- All right.
You know, Hank, I was just wondering why you say that "hey now" thing.
- What do you mean? - It was something you used on the show.
Now you're starting to use it in your personal life.
It's an affectation of some sort, isn't it? Did you ever say it as a kid? No.
I probably didn't.
- But I said "hey.
" - Yeah.
And I said "now" - I mean, at different times.
- I see.
I never put them together till later in life.
So in that sense, it's part of my personality.
You know, this isn't easy for me, but would you mind not doing it on the show anymore? - 'Cause, frankly, I'll tell you - Wait a minute.
Are you telling me that when you do your You do this, that isn't the same affectation? That isn't the same as my "hey now"? You just said it again, and I asked you not to say it.
You mean I can't say it offstage? It doesn't even exist.
Say "hey now" in a sentence.
Uh, hey now, that was real funny.
You know what, Hank? It's not even in the dictionary, "hey now.
" This is how I use "hey now" in a sentence, okay? You say, " And of course, my sidekick Hank.
" - "And of course, my sidekick Hank.
" - Hey now! - That's a sentence.
- No, Hank.
Listen.
I just prefer you not do it on the show anymore, okay? It gets on my nerves.
It gets on the audience's nerves as well.
- No, sir.
- Yes, it does.
Look, you're not out there.
Believe me, it's very big with the audience.
I think it helps make the show work.
It's part of our whole interplay on camera.
By interplay, you mean the times we're both awake? Just cut down on it.
Could you do that, please? Miss JanetJackson is landing as we speak.
Al Unser is waiting with a car in the white zone to whisk her to the studio.
- She's not coming, is she? - Gonna be here any minute.
She's not coming.
You said she's landing.
- She could be circling.
- She's going to land.
Now, LaToya, she could circle.
There's a gal that could be circling for years.
Feel free to put that in your monologue.
I wish I could pop in and out of work whenever I wanted.
Did he hear me? You should talk to him.
I don't like seeing you two like this.
Neither do I.
He's taking advantage of our friendship.
When I met him, he was just a cruise director.
- And you made him everything he is.
- I'm not implying that.
- Hank's his own man.
- He's a man.
Let's leave it at that.
This is just a gig he squeezes in between all his other jobs.
After the show, talk to him.
It's not as if you have a million friends.
I'm your friend.
And now, " fresh from her Rhythm Nation tour, please welcome" Dear God, if there's any justice in this world"JanetJackson.
" Don't write that part.
So I hear we're doing a full hour on the dog expert.
I hope we don't run long and pre-empt regularly scheduled programming.
I'd like to see more of that humorous thinking on the show.
So would I.
I would settle for Tito at this point.
I just want you to know that.
- Listen, she's gonna be here, okay? - All right.
It's just a question of what part of the show she's gonna be on.
Just make sure it's when we're on the air.
That's all I ask.
And don't do that.
I know you think it calms me.
I've seen terrorists do it.
He's not listening to me, Sid.
How are you, by the way? All right? Take this joke out.
And you know what? "Golf club" instead of"golf team.
" And underline "looting.
" Hank, have you got a second? Sure.
Give us a minute here, will ya? Thanks a lot.
Do you thinkJanetJackson's gonna show? Oh, you got her booked for tonight? Listen, I want you to know it's not the "hey now" thing I'm mad about and it's not that you fall asleep on the couch.
- I don't fall asleep! - Well, nodding off.
I pay attention.
I am there.
You happen to have a lot of other things on your plate, which Well, don't worry about my plate.
You worry about your half of the show.
I thought I just heard you say, "my half.
" Is that what you just said? My half of the show, Hank? What the hell is that? - This is a corset.
- Why you wearing it? Because I believe it makes me look thinner, and it does.
You look a little like Kitty in Gunsmoke.
Why don't you shove it up your ass? Or do you already do that commercial? No, I don't.
That's a good idea.
Thanks.
I'll call my agent.
I'd like some of the commission, by the way.
- I'll see you out there.
- See ya out there.
- One second.
- I don't need any hand makeup.
Fine, if you want your face and hands to clash.
All right.
A little.
Seriously, we couldn't do the show without you, gang so thank you for coming on down here tonight.
Let me ask you a favor.
When I say "three," can you give me a "hey now"? Ready? One, two, three.
Hey now! Very, very good.
Larry's gonna be out in five seconds so let him know you're out there, okay? - Get ready now.
- In five, four JanetJackson is out, T.
Bone Burnett is in.
You were right.
She was circling.
She got diverted to Reno.
Fucking fog.
Live on tape from Hollywood, The Larry Sanders Show.
Tonight join Larry and his guests Earl Holliman T.
Bone Burnett, dog expert Carl Henkel and me hey now Hank Kingsley.
So talk to me about golden retrievers being Seeing Eye dogs.
I did not know that they use mostly retrievers now.
Yes, they go through a rigorous training program up to about three, four years before a guide dog is graduated.
Is that right? And yet, their natural instinct to retrieve does not get in the way I assume, of being a guide dog, because then you'd have You said he'd be here ten minutes ago.
What if we copter him in? What do you mean, there's no helicopters? For God's sakes, tell 'em he's a burn victim.
If he were a kidney, he'd been here an hour ago.
Great.
And we'll be right back.
Absolutely delightful.
Very nice.
- That was great.
Very funny.
- Good, good.
When we come back from commercial you'll do another segment with the dog man.
What are you talking about? Where's T.
Bone? - T.
Bone is coptering in.
He'll be here.
- Oh, for God's sakes.
- Mr.
Holliman sings, by the way.
- Oh, there's good news.
If I had a gun, I'd put it in my mouth, turn and take us both out.
I can't wait to read that book.
You think the Angie Dickinson story played okay? Oh, yeah.
It went terrifically as always, Earl.
You got a new series, huh? You and Delta Burke.
Got 'em.
We're back with dog expert Carl Henkel.
He's written a wonderful book called My Dog, Myself.
Teaching us how to train a dog in five days and we are up to approximately day four.
I found your book, if I may say, fascinating and have enjoyed thoroughly talking to you about dogs and myself.
Hank, have you ever had a dog? Hank has had a dog.
Okay.
Well, I thought you might've, in fact, had a dog.
Actually, Doctor, maybe you could help me out.
My dog Philipe - Philipe? - Yes.
- I did not recall that.
- Yes, Philipe Xavier Kingsley.
- I see.
- My dog has a particular problem.
He can never stop licking himself.
I believe that's learned behavior.
When you stop, the dog will stop.
I think that is It's that old "monkey see, monkey do.
" Well, something has to give because he used to lick himself and then kiss me on the face.
Oh, boy.
I couldn't I would just cut out the middleman there and lick him.
By the way, none of this is covered in my book.
Well, I think it sounds like a good chapter.
It might improve the sales.
But sometimes I would have a lady come back to the house "Sometimes" is the key phrase.
Philipe would put his nose in a How do you say this on television? In an awkward place.
Do you understand what I'm saying? He hadn't even met her.
Yeah.
Cutting into Hank's action, in effect.
Indeed, he is.
The woman always says, " That's okay.
He doesn't know what he's doing.
" And I'm thinking, maybe I ought to get a dog costume.
If you call our office at Actors and Others for Animals we can get you neutered for a very low cost.
You know what? Is T.
Bone here? Why is T.
Bone chasing Paula? My next guest is a gifted musician and a talented producer.
His new album is We do not have the cover but this is what it looks like once you open it.
This is what you play.
Really, what good does the cover do you? His new album is called The Criminal Under My Own Hat.
I'm a big fan.
Please welcome T.
Bone Burnett.
We come from a blue planet light years away Where everything multiplies at an amazing rate We're out here in the universe buying real estate Hope we haven't gotten here too late We're humans from Earth We're humans from Earth You have nothing at all to fear And I think we're gonna like it here - You saved my ass.
- That's my job.
And I did it without saying "hey now.
" I'm sorry about that.
I was upset that you do those other jobs.
You could go with me on those other jobs.
- They would love to have you there.
- I don't want to go with you.
I just wish we could be friends the way we used to be, that's all.
That's all it is.
Yeah, I miss you too.
Look, I fell asleep on the couch.
I'm sorry.
- Don't lecture me anymore.
- I can't help it.
I've turned into an asshole last couple of years.
That's okay.
I've turned into a moron.
I mean, have a good time with it.