The McCarthys (2014) s01e13 Episode Script

1 Sean, is that your fourth sandwich? - Yeah.
- What's wrong with you? I don't know, Ma.
Just not that hungry.
Come on, take the open shot.
Nope.
Nope? To what, sitting? No one sits on my left during the Celtics' winning streak.
And I've got to be holding this biography of Eleanor Roosevelt.
You're reading that? You wish.
Yeah, Sean, I'm a single pregnant woman.
That's how I use my wishes.
It started three weeks ago.
The Celtics were losing, Sean got up from sitting on Gerard's left, grabbed the book out of my hand to kill a bug on the TV screen And the Celtics hit a three.
That's when we realized everything's connected.
This is ridiculous.
Jackie, let's be supportive.
Your brother's holding a book.
Who knows where that could lead? Celtics win! - Good work, Sean.
- You two, buddy.
Halfway through the third quarter, my hand cramped up, and I wanted to put the book down, but I fought through it.
That's what champions do.
Something very disturbing just happened to me.
Hey, Ronny.
Hey, Jason.
Told you.
Told me what? Oh, yesterday, when I passed you, I said, "See you around," and sure enough So, what's up? Oh, I'm having a little party Saturday.
I wanted to invite you.
Oh, thanks.
And you're welcome to bring your girlfriend.
Girlfriend? The woman who's always here? You're always laughing together.
She's slightly older.
He thought Mom was my girlfriend! Oh, Ronny.
Why would you just hand this to us? Look on the bright side.
Someone thought you were dating someone.
This is not good.
I know; I think I have a conflict Saturday night.
I might not be able to go to the party.
- Mom! - Fine.
I'll try to move some things around.
Look, Ronny, she's compromising.
Part of what makes you two a great couple.
We're not a couple! Hey! You could do a lot worse than your mother.
I'm with you, Dad.
There's no way Ronny could get Ma.
You know, I'm surprised this doesn't happen to you and Ma more often.
Actually, Mrs.
Dennis from the library thought that we were a couple.
Did you correct her? She seemed busy.
Ronny, you and Ma are always together.
Hanging out, watching your procedural crime dramas, not fast forwarding through commercials because that's when you "break it down.
" Admit it, Ronny.
You are totally dependent on Ma.
That's not true.
We're co-dependent, right, Ronny? I really need you to answer me.
If anyone is dependent on Mom and Dad, it's you guys.
You're here all the time.
Sean, what did you do last year when Mom lost her house key? I opened the door and let her in.
We only come over here 'cause the game's on all the time and there's free food.
Free? Somebody pays for that, you know.
Food doesn't just grow on trees.
Actually, it does.
I mean, none of the stuff that we eat.
But it does.
And I just come here so much because I know how sad Mom and Dad get when I'm not around.
Uh-huh.
I can't tell you how many times I've shown up here and they've looked unhappy, but by the time I leave, they're all smiles.
Lot of mental gymnastics going on there.
Ronny, you wouldn't last a day without talking to Ma.
Okay, if you're so cocky, how about we make a bet? Let's see who can go the longest without coming over here.
What? No.
That's a terrible bet.
You're on, Ronny.
- I'm in.
- Me, too.
$50 Dolan's gift card to the winner.
Arthur, can you believe this? Do something! I'll make it a hundred.
And not just seeing them.
No phone calls, no texts.
No communication at all.
- Fine.
- Deal.
You know, it would be quicker if you all just took turns punching me in the heart.
You guys are so going down.
Oh, really? Why don't we start now? - Great.
- Done.
- Bring it on.
No! This is crazy.
You can't.
Why? Well, you better get started.
You don't want to be disqualified.
The McCarthys SO1E13 Original air date 07/04/2015 Geez, Marjorie.
You sure we've got enough? I know I made a lot, but I'm used to cooking for eight.
Eight? You, me, Ronny, Jackie, Gerard, Sean, Sean, Sean.
Do you miss them, Arthur? Oh, you're serious? Yeah, I'm all torn up inside.
Just for that, you don't get your 16 pieces of chicken.
Marjorie, they're supposed to have their own lives.
But I've worked hard to make this the hub.
- The what? - The hub, Arthur.
Hub, like a wheel.
And the kids are the spokes.
And the spokes go out in all directions.
But they're always connected to the hub.
Have you ever seen a hub with no spokes? I seen a dog with three legs.
Didn't seem to bother him.
Running around like a bastard.
You're making my point for me, Arthur.
It can't be just this.
- Can I help you? - Hi.
My mom makes this tea that I love.
It's kind of sweet, but not too sweet.
So yeah, I'll have that.
I don't know what that is.
You know, it has a spice in it like cinnamon or nutmeg, but not cinnamon and not nutmeg.
Do you want to call your mother? Oh, I'm not allowed.
That makes sense.
Oh.
It's hot chocolate.
We haven't done this in a while.
It's fun watching the game at the bar.
Yeah, and to be honest I don't really miss the woman who gave birth to us or her male companion.
Sean, we're allowed to say "Mom" and "Dad".
I wasn't sure.
There were a lot of rules being thrown around.
Nope.
Excuse me.
Do you mind moving back a little? Sorry, I got to be close enough to hit a bug on the TV.
Is there a bug on the TV? "Is there a bug on the TV?" This guy's crazy.
Hey, buddy.
We're trying to watch the game.
Well, then why'd he bring a book? 'Cause we want the Celtics to win.
What's with all the questions? What are we, on a date? I'm Nancy O'Dell, and tonight, Entertainment Tonight visits the set of what's about to become the latest binge watchers' treat.
Tonight, Netflix is releasing all six episodes of its hot new procedural, Mom & Tom.
By day, they're mother and gay son, by night, they're mother and gay son who solve crimes.
Shut up! So grab your favorite TV watching buddy I can't, Nancy O'Dell.
And start singing along, 'cause guess what, folks? It's also a musical.
Oh, come on! Oh, come on! This Mom & Tom show, it's perfect for me and Ronny.
Emma Thompson is playing me.
I mean Mom.
Why did the kids have to make that stupid bet? It's just a show.
You're obsessed with TV.
I'm obsessed with TV? I caught you hugging it once.
Shh.
I'm trying to watch this.
It's a commercial.
A great commercial.
Hey, pal, you had it coming.
You bought insurance from a monkey.
You know what? The kids have their bet.
Why don't we make one, too? How about a $50 Dolan's gift card to whoever can go the longest without watching TV? All right, you're on.
Good luck, although you're not gonna make it a day without your precious insurance monkey.
It won't be easy.
I like his tie.
Well, go ahead.
We've got a lot of channels.
I bet one of them is showing the commercial where the monkey drives the boat.
Come on, Marjorie, play fair.
Hey, Ronny.
How's the bet treating you? It's actually been really good.
I've been doing some organizing.
Caught up on some paperwork.
I met a guy.
Oh, sorry, tell me about your organizing.
Oh, it's actually not that interesting.
And I made it up.
So, this guy is cool with you being pregnant? It didn't even come up.
Excuse me, is this anyone sitting there? Nope, just me.
So the whole time you were with him, you never stood up.
A gentleman stands up, Ronny.
A lady stays seated and holds in her pee with all her might.
Anyway, I'm meeting him again tomorrow.
So you're going to keep this up forever? No, only until the baby is born.
And then, he'll hold it for the first time, and he'll fall in love with our little family.
I've thought this through, Ronny.
Ronny, Jackie.
What are you guys doing here? Checking up on our bet.
Making sure Romeo and Juliet aren't together.
More like Romeo and Romeo's mother.
Also a forbidden love.
You guys checking up on me, too? Yeah, sure.
So, how's your mom withdrawals going? You got the shakes, Ronny? Sweats? Nightmares? No sweats, no shakes, and one nightmare.
But it wasn't Mom-related.
It was about Little League.
They made me pitch.
But I'm doing great.
Are you? 'Cause guess what? Katrina and I were arguing about a fight we had, and she threw this magazine at me.
And lo and behold, I found an article in here about a new show that's perfect for you and your best gal.
Ha, your best gal.
That's an antiquated way of saying you're dating Ma.
I am familiar with Mom & Tom.
In fact, it's paused on my TV as we speak.
Right at the moment when Mom and Tom having finished a song called "Get A Clue, Mom.
" It's terrible.
And also the best.
Okay, maybe you can watch it alone.
But you're gonna need to talk to someone about it.
Yeah.
Maybe even Ma.
Sean, you're starting to make me regret this alliance.
Look, why don't you all just go lie to a man, or fight with your fiancée, or amble through life with peculiar ease.
But know this: You're all gonna lose the bet.
Because I am strong, and independent, and I may never see Mom and Dad ever again.
I thought they'd never leave.
Unpause, Unpause! So get a clue, Mom! I'll get a clue if you get in the van.
They're getting away! I know what we're gonna be for Halloween this year.
I'm Tom.
I'm Mom.
Well, I'm going out.
Uh, if you're wondering where, I'm getting my nails done.
And later, if you're wondering why my nails aren't polished, it's because I got a buff.
And, yes, you got me, I've never gotten a buff before.
I'm not really a buff person.
I've always wanted to try a buff, and I think I've earned it.
I've earned a buff.
Okay.
I'm actually going out, too.
You? Out there? I'm going to a play.
A play? You said you would never set foot in a theater again after Ronny dragged us to that improv show.
They asked for a suggestion of a place and you yelled out, "Anywhere but here.
" One of the kids on my team is in this play.
It's called Pippin.
I figured it'll hold my interest.
I'm a big fan of Scottie Pippen.
Yeah, that's what it's about.
All right, have fun.
I will.
I got to say, I'm so glad you got us into this whole not watching TV thing.
I think it's been good for us.
Yes.
For us.
You make us better people, Marjorie.
You do.
Arthur, not in front of the Oh, God, I miss the kids.
Like my disguise? That depends.
Who are you? Mom, this sneaking around's getting too dangerous.
Oh, I know.
I drove with these.
Couldn't see a thing.
What a rush.
No, I mean, we almost got caught yesterday.
No one's gonna catch us.
We're too good.
- At watching a TV show? - Yes.
And at covering our tracks.
I just totally fooled your father.
Good for you, Mom.
You fooled a man who once went to a Burger King drive through and yelled his order into a trash can.
Well, I do feel kind of guilty.
Your father's taking our TV bet pretty seriously.
So I told her I was going to see a play! Imagine Dad at a play.
"Hey, I'm Dad.
I'm at a play!" Damn it! How can they be losing? We got Dad here now.
We're sitting in the same configuration that we do at Ma and Dad'BBs.
But if we were at home, Dad would be reclining.
God, I miss that chair.
We're gonna need you to get up.
Why? Look, we're all making sacrifices here.
He's lying to our mother, we're lying to our brother and sister.
The least you can do is let our dad put his feet up on your chair like he's in a recliner, so the Celtics can win.
It's pretty straightforward.
Why did I come back here? Well, if you're feeling guilty, maybe we shouldn't do this.
You know what, maybe you're right.
It's Jackie! Get in the kitchen.
I love this.
What are you doing here? Don't you have your date? I'm on my way, but I left my phone here yesterday.
Here.
Take mine.
I don't want yours.
I want mine.
Oh.
Here it is.
Where was it? In my hand the whole time.
Don't know why I gave you mine.
Give it back.
Have fun.
Wait.
Did I also leave a brown sweater? Maybe.
Nope.
Oh, here it is.
Bye-bye.
- She's got a date? - Yep.
- Does he know - Nope.
- So what's her - No plan.
That'll go well.
Play.
Oh, my God.
I know.
It's exhilarating! Oh, it's only Jason.
Hey, do you have any chairs I could Oh.
Sorry to interrupt.
No.
You're not interrupting.
I really need to clear something up.
Hi, Jason.
It's me, "the girlfriend.
" What?! I should go.
Ronny's just nervous because I'm cheating on my husband.
I really should go.
Wait, Jason, let me explain this.
She is not my girlfriend.
- It's cool.
- Wait, no.
Don't say "it's cool.
" No, it sounds like you don't believe me.
See you at your party! - Mom! - What? I can go now.
I moved some things around.
So come watch.
No, I'm telling you.
We can't do this here.
We got Jackie coming over, Sean and Gerard are checking up on me.
Fine.
We can go back to the hub.
- The hub? - My house.
Spokes go out, they come back to the middle? Why is no one getting this? We can't go to the hub.
Why not? And thank you for supporting "hub.
" What about Dad? Oh, don't worry.
No, he's spending the evening at the high school auditorium wondering why Michael Jordan isn't a character in Pippin.
Geez, they're a mess out there.
We're doing all our stuff.
I know.
What's going on? What if Maybe What? No, say your thing.
I was gonna say, what if none of this stuff has any effect on the game at all? What if it's all just a bunch of dumb superstitions? What were you going to say? I was gonna say what if we switch shoes? I like it.
You're so easy to talk to.
So are you.
I can't believe we've been talking for two hours.
Ooh, hey, that couch just opened up.
You want to grab it? No, no.
Good here.
Can I get you another tea? Some more water? Please, neither.
Ooh.
You know what, I've got to go feed the meter.
Uh, I parked about a block away.
Do you mind? No, no.
Take your time.
Great, I'll be right back.
Bathroom.
Bathroom, bathroom, bathroom, bathroom, bathroom, bathroom.
Okay, let's get this over with.
Wait.
Something's not right.
The TV set is warm.
Eleanor Roosevelt is on our couch.
I smell Buffalo sauce and desperation.
What are you thinking? Haven't you figured it out, Tom? A- ha! A- ha to you! Gerard's right, Ronny.
You're busted.
Wait, why are you walking like that? I'm wearing Gerard's shoes.
I'm bursting out of these little teacups.
They're a men's nine.
They're a doll's nine.
Why are you turning on me? Turn on Ronny.
Why? You guys are both busted.
No, we're just in Mom and Dad's place, but you're with Mom.
He's right, Ronny.
They're not with him.
Hey, Marjorie.
Just taking a walk.
Behind the curtains? I get self-conscious when I'm exercising.
Arthur.
Fine.
Sean and Gerard figured out that we have to watch the game here.
What was I thinking? A play? Outside the house? Come on, Marjorie.
You're better than that.
So, all of us lost our bets.
Who knew Jackie would be the strong one? Mom? Dad? I'm not seeing you, I just need to know if you have any croutons, and if so, do you have any salad? What the hell?! Jackie, I thought you were on your date? It ended early.
And after the game, I actually got to meet Tom Brady.
Eh.
What? We'll, I'm, uh, I'm from New York.
I'm a Jets fan, so I don't really love Tom Brady.
So when were you planning on telling me this? - Excuse me? - Wow.
What else are you hiding from me, Andrew? Besides the fact that you're a liar? And I told you everything.
Are you pregnant? You never ask a lady that.
You never ask a lady that! Bathroom, bathroom, bathroom, bathroom, bathroom, bathroom! Can you believe him? Yeah, how is Crazy Andrew ever going to find someone? Probably an online dating site for Jets fans.
Ugh, the Internet's disgusting.
Wait, wait, so wait, what are you all doing here? A lot's gone down.
It might be easier if I sing it to you.
Give me a beat.
I will not.
Ronny was cheating with Ma on our bet.
Sean and Gerard were cheating with Dad.
But no one wanted to cheat with me.
Oh, my God.
Oh, Jackie, we I'm the winner! We salute you, winner! Thanks, you guys.
All right, come on, Ronny.
We better hustle if we're gonna make it to Jason's party.
Mom! Wait for me.
It was thoughtful of you to spend your gift card on us, Jackie.
I'm happy to.
You're my favorite people.
Well, I like you people, too, but it was cool getting out of our comfort zone.
Yeah, he's right.
Yeah, we should do more of that.
This does feel different.
Good for us.
Yeah, we shook things up.
Well, we didn't shake things up.
We're just in my apartment instead of Mom and Dad's.
I don't like it.
What's wrong with your TV? Nothing.
It's just a little smaller than yours.
Much better.
Definitely.
This feels right.
We'll never leave again.
They always come back to the hub.
I don't think hub's gonna stick, Mom.
- Oh, like a wheel? - And we're the spokes.
And this is the center.
I like it.
They always come back to the hub.