The Millers (2013) s01e13 Episode Script

Nathan! How much longer is this game gonna last? Can't really talk, Mom; not a great time.
I have a hair appointment at 2:00.
If we're late, my stylist will skip my scalp massage.
That's my favorite part! What, you got a beauty date with Mommy? Gonna get a mani-pedi? Yeah, not pedis.
It's winter, idiot.
Yoo-hoo! Do you know when this game is gonna be over? Nobody knows, Carol.
It's sudden-death overtime.
How long is that gonna take? Hard to tell.
We're both so evenly matched It's over.
Hey, man, what happened? Your mother happened! Excuse me.
Sorry to intrude.
Don't be embarrassed; I know it's cold on the ice.
Mom, Mom Mom.
What are you doing? What are you doing? Well, what are you doing, Mr.
Dilly-Dally? You're gonna make me miss my scalp massage.
Last time, she hit a pressure point that made me burst into a song that I hadn't sung since you were a baby.
I wonder if I can find it again.
We're going out for beers to discuss playoff strategies.
Yeah, I-I'd love to, but, uh, I can't.
My mom doesn't drive, and Saturday is errand day.
I'm sorry, Ray, but we have so much to do.
After the salon, I have to buy a bra, refill my dry-mouth pills, pick up "get wel" balloons for my cousin, stock up on craft supplies, get my pants hemmed into capris, oh, and buy a new razor to smooth out my soon-to-be on display calves.
I'm gonna do you a favor and tell the guys you got diarrhea.
Thanks, man.
Ah The wheels of the bus go round and round Round and round That's the spot.
The wheels on the bus go round and round All around the town The ladies say hello.
You should've come in with me.
You could've gotten your brows done.
Mom, I don't wax my brows.
I told you, these are naturally sculpted.
You were wrong.
They will exchange a half-eaten bag of baby carrots.
$40 to clean a comforter, my foot.
You and I will just wash this in the bathtub.
Toilet paper was on sale.
Oh! Forgot my calcium chews.
Oh, wait.
I thought these were the orange calcium chews.
These are licorice.
I'll be right back.
I got the orange calcium chews.
But you know what? You're starting to think about the licorice again.
I think it might be fun to try something new.
So fun.
What are you doing? Just get in the driver's side.
I want to show you something great.
I don't know why we're playing these games.
We still have three more places to go.
Four, if the toilet's still broken in the public library.
That thing went bananas on me last time.
Okay.
What do I have to sit here to see? That woman in the rearview mirror.
Take a look.
Today, she learns how to drive.
Oh, no.
No, no, Nathan.
I-I can't drive.
I am going to teach you.
I can't keep driving you around.
Plus, this will make you more independent.
Trust me, your father tried to teach me once, but it was a disaster.
Oh, come on.
You just channel some of that determination you have inside you.
When I was breech, who reached up and flipped me around? The doctors? No.
You.
You can do this.
How's everybody else's Saturday going? Oh, boy.
Looks like someone's teaching your mother to drive.
Who leaves a tricycle where someone can accidentally drive up on the sidewalk and hit it? I told Nathan I couldn't drive, but he wouldn't listen.
I am unteachable.
No, you're not.
You just refuse to be taught.
I can teach anyone anything.
Growing up, all our dogs could use the toilet.
Then why is your aim so pathetic? Hey.
Dinner's just about ready.
Why is there a bumper in the Oh, did someone try and teach Mom how to drive? Yes, but for no reason.
I get by fine.
I don't need to learn to drive.
Uh, yeah, you do.
'Cause I need my life back.
Okay? I can't sacrifice every weekend driving you around so you can run errands.
Look, Nathan, if you want a day off, Adam can drive Mom around tomorrow.
Adam can? Wow, great.
That'd be amazing.
By the way, uh, Debbie, I need to talk to you about something completely unrelated to this.
Can we go in the kitchen for a second? Um, sure, yeah.
- What do we need to - Something unrelated.
God, okay, what's wrong? What's wrong? Your mother and I are not meant to be in confined spaces together.
Right? It's like asking the chicken to drive the fox.
You're gonna wind up with a car full of blood and feathers.
Oh, come on.
It's not a big deal.
And think of all the stuff Nathan does for us, you know.
Rent money, free appliances.
You don't limp anymore because he paid to have your right leg lengthened.
And your left, when they went overboard on your right.
Your mother and I have nothing in common.
That's why she always sets my dinner plate at the island with Mikayla, - so she doesn't have to talk to me.
- Oh, come on.
She doesn't do that on purpose.
And you know what? Driving my mom around will give you a chance to get to know her better.
You might even have fun.
Who knows? I know.
You won't.
Yeah.
Just kill me.
I can't be alone in a car with Adam.
We only have two topics to talk about: the weather and yesterday's weather.
I'll just take the bus.
Or there's a third topic: your granddaughter Mikayla.
Or you could take the bus.
In which case, every time you want to get off, you got to pull that cord that the homeless guy dries his socks on.
Fine.
Hey! There's my handsome chauffer.
She's poking me.
Carol is poking me.
If this was anybody else, it would be very annoying.
Okay, maybe we should all just sit down and eat.
Food smells good.
Mikayla, dinner's ready! Adam, this is for you.
A big helping for my new driving buddy.
How about we park you right over here - on the island? - Ah.
- Thank you, Carol.
- Uh-huh.
Mikayla, why don't you share with your dad and your grandma anything new going on in your life.
That could be a, uh, lively topic for continued discussion.
I got nothing.
Great.
Now we just got two topics left to talk about.
Hey, you guys believe how cold it was today? Almost as cold as yesterday.
And we're done.
Good evening dear sister.
You look lovely.
And there he is my wonderful father.
Who smells vaguely of cinnamon.
I accidentally used mouthwash as shampoo.
Good for you! Well, somebody's in a good mood.
Yeah, that's 'cause, while Adam was driving Mom around, I slept in till 1:00 and started my Sunday watching football and drinking Bloody Marys, and ate my lunch out of a mixing bowl, and took a nap on the kitchen floor, just 'cause.
Then I went out without a jacket on.
Had to come back and get one, but it was still it was all my decision.
Well, just remember, this happy day was brought to you by your sister Debbie when she asks you for new tires.
By the way, I need new tires.
I know how sweet it is to have a Sunday away from your mother.
It's why I joined the National Guard.
Maybe you people can settle an argument for us.
I think these are the best cupcakes I've ever had, but Adam thinks the ones I make are better.
Well, when I eat yours, I can taste the love.
Oh, stop it! I'm sorry we're late.
That's all my fault.
After we ran our errands, we took a little side trip to the zoo.
I tried that once; they wouldn't take her.
We went there so someone could conquer his crippling fear of giraffes.
Oh, yeah.
Even a horse with a long neck freaks Adam out.
H-How did this happen? You were supposed to just be out running errands.
Well, we were, but then I was helping Carol pick out some sandals.
You went into the shoe store with her? He went into all the stores with me.
Anyway, Adam was educating me on leather versus pleather.
Yes, and leopard versus pleopard, which got us started talking about animals.
And that's when he confessed to me that he was terrified of giraffes.
Why are you afraid of giraffes? You're a purple tongue away from being one.
When Adam was a little kid, a giraffe snatched an ice cream cone from his hand and nearly took off his thumb.
Nearly? It did.
It spit it halfway across the zoo and then a monkey ran off with it.
They had to craft me a new one out of the bottom inch of my right leg bone.
We all know how that turned out.
Wait, w-wait a second.
I-I find this very hard to believe.
You're telling me you went in all the stores with her? Every single one.
Anyway, I told Adam the only way to overcome his fear was to go back to the scene of the crime, turn his back on the giraffes and have an ice cream cone.
And it worked.
Who has two things that pass for thumbs and isn't afraid of giraffes anymore? This guy.
Well seems like you guys had a really great day together.
Mikayla, dinner's ready! - Uh, Nathan - Yeah.
uh, the bigger helping is yours.
Wait I-I'm sitting there? Oh, if you want.
I'm just putting plates down wherever.
Adam, I'm just putting a little on our plate since we just had ice cream and cupcakes.
Plus, I ate some of that giraffe's food just to even the score.
Welcome to the island.
We have our own salt.
Where's my cutlery? You got to earn it.
Ah, the cookies! You made cookies for my hockey game? Mom, that's so sweet.
Here, let me grab one of those.
Oh, no, no, no, they have almonds in them.
They have almonds in them? I'm allergic to almonds.
I know, but Adam's not.
I wanted to do something nice for him since he's been giving up his weekends to drive me around.
Okay, okay.
I, uh, know what you're doing here.
I can see your little your little game you're trying to play.
And quite frankly, it's, uh, it's very childish.
What do you mean? Well, you're trying to me me jealous.
What?! No, I'm not.
Honestly, I'm just going about my life and giving you space to go about yours.
Oh, it's Adam! What's he doing here? Is he coming to my hockey game, too? Oh, no, I'm sorry.
I'm not coming to your game.
Uh, before we run my errands, Adam and I are going down to the creek to film our audition for The Amazing Race.
Coming! Wait.
But you-you've never missed one of my games, and this is a playoff game.
Well, isn't there another one next weekend? Well, if we win.
Well, try to win, honey.
Hey! Look what I have.
Matching T-shirts! Oh! Okay, our Amazing Race team name: The Fun-In-Laws.
- Hey, Nate.
- Hey, brother from another mother.
Adam, these are for you.
Those special cookies you were talking about.
Oh, almond snickerdoodles! These are one of my favorite doodles, right in between Cheez Doodles and Labradoodles.
Let me get your laundry together, and then we'll go.
Wait.
You did his laundry? Well, it's the least I could do.
He's been driving me around all over town.
Was Adam's laundry in the dryer this morning? 'Cause I grabbed some boxers and Oh, gross! I'm wearing Adam's underwear?! It's okay, boxer bro.
No.
No, we are not boxer bros, so you can have these ba That was such a bad idea.
I thought they would rip.
They didn't rip.
Something ripped.
Nathan, you are acting crazy.
Am I?! Am I the one who's acting crazy?! Okay, you know what? This has gone too far, Mom.
You win, okay? I-I give up.
I'll start driving you again.
Oh, calm down.
I don't want you to drive me.
I'm fine.
I prefer Adam.
Oh, really? You prefer Adam? Why? Give me one specific.
Is it his soft supple hands that have never known a day's work? Or the fact that he always smells like hummus? Sorry, buddy, you're just kind of in the line of fire here.
Oh, were those insults? Seriously, Mom, you can stop pretending to like spending time with Adam just to get back at me - for not driving you around.
- Pretending? I'm not pretending.
I like the way he looks at me, okay? Adam listens to me and values my advice.
He happily lets me put sunscreen on him even when it's cloudy.
He actually reads the comic strips I cut out for him.
And when we buy pants, he lets me put my fingers in his waistband to make sure they're not too tight.
Nathan, basically, he treats me the way you used to like a mother.
Oh boy.
Uh, Carol I hope I haven't been sending you any mixed signals here.
I love you as a mother-in-law, but I'm not looking for a mother, okay? I already have one.
Maybe I'll have two if my mom finally works up the courage to propose to her bowling partner.
I hope you're happy.
I found someone I could have a conversation with, and you ran him off.
I need to be talked to, Nathan.
A mother has needs.
Oh, please, you and I have conversations all the time.
Not compared to other mothers and sons.
My friend Sharon tells me that she and her son are chatting it up four or five times a week.
I'm lucky if I get in a quickie before you turn on the television.
Wham, bam, thank you, Mom! That's ridiculous! I spent an hour the other night listening to you go on about how your pinky toe is giving you fits.
It was my pointer toe! I knew you weren't listening.
You were faking it! And don't think I didn't see you take that little pill our talk.
It was a caffeine pill.
You were putting me to sleep.
I needed that pill to keep me up.
Lots of sons take them.
My conversations used to be exciting enough that you didn't need a pill! And my hockey games used to be exciting enough that you wanted to come and cheer! But these days, you're too busy looking at your watch! It's like you've completely lost interest in the men's Mid-Atlantic Regional News Station Division B hockey league! You say I don't treat you like a mother? Well, maybe that's because you don't treat me like a son.
Lately, you just look at me like a roommate.
A roommate with a car! Yeah, well, maybe I'm just gonna move out! Where are you gonna go?! You can't even drive! Your father told me if I ever felt like gambling with my life, he'd teach me to drive! Well, mama's feeling lucky.
Have fun crashing Dad's car! Yeah? Well, have fun trying to ice skate with a ripped scrotum! Ooh! Oh, no! Oh, no! l hit him! That poor squirrel! You didn't hit the squirrel.
You just came close.
- Oh! - He's fine! He's just picking up a French fry.
Why can you never be happy hor someone else getting a French fry? I could've killed him.
And that squirrel's mother would have always regretted that she wasn't there to cheer him across the road.
Are you kidding? It's almost spring.
All she's thinking about is eating nuts and getting knocked up.
I'm not upset about the squirrel.
I'm upset about Nathan and me.
I've been furious at him for not making me feel special, but he was right.
I haven't been treating him special lately either.
I'm looking at you, but I'm completely lost.
I've got to make this right.
I've got to get to that hockey game.
I got to root my son on the way I used to! Out of my way, squirrel! You want to go?! Yeah, you want to go?! What? She started it! Time-out, ref, time-out.
That's your fourth fight today.
Your temper's gonna cost us the championship.
Which is gonna put us in last place because there's only two teams in this crappy league.
Look, man, I'm sorry.
It's just I've been fighting with my mom, and it's-it's got me all worked up.
You always fight with your mom.
Why you so mad? This isn't our everyday fight about licking the steak knives.
Which is dangerous.
You could cut your tongue off.
And you'd be talking like this.
No, the point is, it's bigger than that, okay? You see, I've been taking her for granted, and then she's gonna move out.
And I don't want her to move out.
Who else is gonna be there to welcome me when I come home at night or make my breakfast smoothie? Or to sweep my hair off the pillow before I wake up so I don't freak out?! Point is, she is the best mom/roommate a son could ask for, and I've been a complete jerk.
Well, why are you wasting your time telling me this stuff? Tell her.
Tell her before it's too late.
But the game the playoff game.
Playoffs come and go, but moms are forever.
Go, Nathan.
Go get her! I'm already gone.
Tell the guys I had diarrhea of the heart.
Nathan, are you okay?! Oh, God, I'm rising up out of my body.
No, I'm just sitting up.
Hey.
If you need a witness, it was all her fault.
I saw everything.
Thank you, ma'am.
But actually, you didn't see everything.
You didn't see the things she did before she plowed into me.
Like put my towels in the dryer so they're toasty when I get out of the shower.
Put kale in my brownies so I get my iron in a fun way.
Or being kind enough to save her errands for the weekend so she can spend a little extra time with her son.
Wait a second.
You're Nathan Miller from the news.
I guess it's true what they say: don't meet your heroes.
Oh.
You're my hero.
I'm sorry, Nathan, I lost track of what was important and missed your game.
I'm sorry I took you for granted.
I love you, Mom.
Don't tell him you had a chardonnay at lunch.
I may need another one after striking my first pedestrian.
But I think my driving lesson is over for today.
Come on.
I'll drive you home.
And just so you know, I don't mind driving you around anymore.
Every once in a while, maybe.
But I'm going to continue trying to learn.
Before I ran over you, I was really starting to get the hang of it.
I saw you when I hit the windshield.
You looked really confident.
She had a scotch, too.