The Muppet Show (1976) s01e13 Episode Script

It's The Muppet Show, with our speciaI guest star Mr, Bruce Forsyth, It's time to play the music It's time to light the lights It's time to meet the Muppets on The Muppet Show tonight It's time to put on makeup It's time to dress up right It's time to raise the curtain on The Muppet Show tonight Hey, question, If a man born in Poland is a Pole, is a man born in Holland a Hole? Think about it, To introduce our guest star That's what I'm here to do So it really makes me happy To introduce to you Mr, Bruce Forsyth, But now let's get things started on the most sensationaI, inspirationaI CelebrationaI, MuppetationaI This is what we call The Muppet Show Thank you, Thank you, Thank you, thank you, Hello, hello, hello, And if I sound a little British tonight, it's because our speciaI guest star is one of England's truly great performers, Mr, Bruce Forsyth, He sings, dances, plays the piano, tells jokes, In fact he's a one-man variety show, and we're really pleased he's with us, But right now, let's kick things off with a new musicaI group we call the Snerfs, The Snerfs? Well, now I've seen everything, Good, Can we leave? OK, Nice number, nice number, Snerfs, Way to go, Oh, Kermit, - Yeah? I finally got the punch line down for the act tonight, Want to hear it? OK, - Good, Quack! Uh Fine, fine, But keep working on it, OK? Oh, sure, toad, Thanks a lot, You know, put me down like everybody else, Yeah, that's right, Put me down, Bitter duck, - Oh, Kermit, Kermit, Kermit, Kermit, I am really gonna get 'em tonight, Get who? - Hm? Oh, Statler and Waldorf, You know, those two old guys who sit in the box and heckle me every night, Mm-hm, - Well, tonight I am ready for 'em, Ha ha, Yeah, I can handle any insult, Any of 'em, Hey, hey, Let's try it, OK? Let's see You be the audience, and I'll tell a joke, and then you insult me and then just watch my razor-sharp wit at work, OK, you ready, huh? Huh? - No, Good, OK, Here we go, I wouldn't say my wife can't cook, but last night she burned the water, Boo! Boo! That's terrible, Terrible, Get off the stage! You are the worst! Oh, please don't heckle me, Fozzie, is this an example of your razor-like wit? Could still use a little sharpening, huh? When it comes to song-and-dance men, it's pretty hard to top our speciaI guest, So let's give a warm Muppet Show welcome to Mr, Bruce Forsyth, Got my tweed pressed Got my best vest AII I need now is the girI Got my striped tie Got my hopes high Got the time and the place and I got rhythm AII I need's the girI to go with them If she'll just appear We'll take this big bird I must stop taking those pills, It'll go away in a minute, Whatever it is, it's a reaI one, I hope it's not a female, Yes, I I didn't see you there, I'm sorry, I'm doing my song-and-dance number, Would you mind waiting over there, please? Over there, In the corner, Over here, Let me show you, Let me show you, That's fine, That's it, OK, Trust me, trust me, I'll be gentle with you, No, bring the feet, Bring the feet, I think the taiI will follow, Bring the feet, That's it, Good, Left, right, Right, left, That's it, Good, That's fine, Now, could we just sort of twist you round now? As you go, that's it, Now, back off, will you? Back off, Left hand down a bit, Left hand, As you were, Off you go, Off you go, then, There you go, That's fine, You see, I'm just going to do my song-and-dance number, It's the only thing I've got in the whole show, Worthwhile, Thank you, Take it! Are you all right? That was marvelous, Fantastic, I've never seen anything It is a female, My striped tie and my best best tweed Come on, Leave me alone, Get back, Get Goodness' sake, Great big gawky fooI, Get back, Why don't you get Get back, Get back there, Back! Get away! Oh, no, Her sister, Mr, Hitchcock! Mr, Hitchcock! Get away, you great big gawky-looking thing, Get off, Bravo, - Brilliant, Oh, there aren't many performers who could hold a candle to Bruce Forsyth, Course not, They'd burn him, Statler, you must be the old fooI there's no fooI like, Hey, Kermit, Kermit, This time I have really got it, I have really mastered the art of handling hecklers, You think so, huh? - Yeah, I know so, I know so, OK, I tell you what, You tell a joke and I will heckle you, Great, - But, Fozzie, I expect a great comeback, Right, Ahem, My cousin's so dumb, he thinks eggs Benedict is a Mafia gangster, I've seen cheeseburgers funnier than that, What do you think? Too subtle? Will you get outta here? George, - Yeah, Would you like to come to my place for dinner tomorrow night? Maybe, What are you fixing? - Well, do you like duckling? I don't know, I never duckled, Do you know what happened in 1 7 7 6? No, baby, but there's a great party in 1 342, I'm really into American history, Oh? - Mm-hm, You know - Washington, Jefferson, Revere, Oh, do you like Franklin? - Well, I don't know, I've never Frankled, Do you mind if I light up? - Why, no, Many, many years ago when I was 23 I was married to a widow who was pretty as could be This widow had a grown-up daughter who had hair of red My father fell in love with her and soon they two were wed This made my dad my son-in-law and changed my very life For my daughter was my mother 'cause she was my father's wife To complicate the matter, even though it brought me joy I soon became the father of a bouncing baby boy My little baby then became a brother-in-law to Dad And so became my uncle, though it made me very sad For if he was my uncle then that also made him brother Of the widow's grown-up daughter who of course was my stepmother Oh, I'm my own grandpa I'm my own grandpa It sounds funny, I know but it really is so - # Oh, I'm my own grandpa - Sing it, Pa, Father's wife then had a son who kept them on the run And he became my grandchild for he was my daughter's son My wife is now my mother's mother and it makes me blue Because although she is my wife, she's my grandmother too Oh, if my wife is my grandmother then I'm her grandchild And every time I think of it it nearly drives me wild For now I have become the strangest case you ever saw As husband of my grandmother I am my own grandpa Oh, I'm my own grandpa I'm my own grandpa It sounds funny, I know but it really is so Oh, I'm my own grandpa It sounds funny, I know but it really is so Oh, I'm my own grandpa Well, Bruce, welcome to our show, Well, it's very nice to be here, Kermit, Although, of course, it is a little strange, Strange? - It isn't like any other show on television, I'll buy the fact that you're a frog who can talk, There's nothing strange about that, And I'll even buy the chicken who shares my dressing room, But she's not for sale, - I beg your pardon? That chicken's not for sale, - Oh, I mean, I wouldn't mind selling her, but her husband plays in the band, No, you misunderstand me, You see, I don't actually want to buy a chicken, Oh, I see, Mind you, I wouldn't mind leasing a duck, - Well, uh I can let you have a duck right here, I can give you a good rentaI deaI on this duck, It's not a bad-looking duck, It's a great little duck, I mean, it was last owned by a little old lady who only used it as a decoy during the hunting season, Really? Well, how much to rent this duck for a month? For one month, this duck will cost you a pig and two rabbits, A pig and two rabbits? Well, hold on a minute, will you? One pig - there we are - and I'm fresh out of rabbits, Have you got change of a rat? Sure, I can let you have a woodpecker, Oh, good, That's fine, OK, That's a fair exchange, Is that a deaI? - Mind the leg, WonderfuI doing business with you, - Lovely doing business with you as well, OK, let's go, guys, Come on, come on, - Fine, Off you go, Fine, Fine, You see, it is strange here, Any other show on television charges at least two pigs a month for a good duck, I wish I had a good-looking bird, Two pigs for one lousy duck? This is an outrage to all Porkdom, Well, I was Really, Miss Piggy, I was only joking, I wasn't having a go at you, Yeah? Well, have a go at this, Hiiii-yah! That was vicious, Come here, you, Monkey with me? - Hii-yah! That Miss Piggy takes umbrage at the slightest annoyance, Oh, I usually take aspirin, Maybe I'll try some umbrage, "Same to you " Same to you and more of it, Fozzie, - Huh? I know you're worried about your act tonight, Oh, boy, Am I, I really want to get the best of those two old hecklers, Kermit, Well, I can guarantee you that Statler and Waldorf will not heckle you tonight, But but they always heckle me, Every show they heckle me, Why not tonight? Well, the show's running long and your act's been cut, Hilda, Hilda, Yes, Fozzie, - Don't move, Just stay right there, But why? - So you can break my fall when I faint, Aargh! Cute, Cute faint, Once again, it is my distinct pleasure to introduce to you those two solid citizens of song - Wayne and Wanda, Decent, decent people, I think that I shall never see A poem lovely as a tree Oh! Oh, Kermit, You've got to let me do my big act in the show, Please, Yeah, but listen, Fozzie, This is just one week, Oh, but, but, but Kermit, in this type of show people expect a stand-up comic, Yes, and we got one, - Oh, then I am going on after all, No, Bruce Forsyth is, Hilda! Cute, Cute fall, OK, ladies and gentlemen, Tonight we thought we'd give Fozzie Bear a rest, You're not giving him a rest, you're giving us a rest, Yeah, OK, Be that as it may, substituting for Fozzie tonight is our speciaI guest star Mr, Bruce Forsyth, Thank you so much, Thank you, And may I say you look a wonderfuI audience, Don't be too sure, We haven't heard your jokes yet, Sir, you're old enough to have heard my jokes, Bob Hope's jokes and Milton Berle's, In fact, if you've heard Milton Berle's jokes, you've heard everybody's jokes, Same old stuff, We want new blood, Yeah, well, you certainly look as though you could use some, Why don't you go to the blood bank and cash an artery? Good, Good stuff, - I've heard better, I'm sure you have, sir, In fact, at your age you're lucky you can hear at all, Only kidding, Only kidding, You've probably got a great sense of humor, In fact, I know you have, I saw your wife outside, Oh, he's burying me, He's burying me, All right, But you know, one thing I like about our two countries at the moment is we do have this culturaI exchange going on, I mean, we send you lots of our drama shows like Upstairs, Downstairs, The Six Wives of Henry VIII, The Forsyte Saga - and by the way, I thought Eric Porter played my life brilliantly, I was going to play the part myself, but they said I wasn't the type, Then of course you send us your drama shows like Columbo, Starsky and Hutch, Police Woman.
They're not Shakespeare perhaps, but just as violent, By the way, thank you for Kojak.
He's made such a big hit in our country, He's such a sportsman, Goes to Scotland, plays golf, And he's also a good tenpin bowler, Got the head for it, But he gets very annoyed at the bowling alley 'cause people keep sticking their fingers up his nose, Got to be a split, Anyway, don't let's talk about him, Let's get back to me, Ladies and gentlemen - Excuse me, Mr, Forsyth, Oh, please, please call me Bruce, Ladies and gentlemen, the one and only Fozzie Bear, Hey, hey! Yeah, thank heavens there's only one, Aw, See those guys up there? The minute I come out, they start up, - Don't worry, Don't worry, Do you see the box they're in? - Yeah, I may decide to bury them together, Oh! Oh, that's Boy, see how he handles them? See? I was watching in the wings over there, Yeah, well, why don't you flap them and fly outta here? Ho, ho, Look, you can handle those two, - Well You can do it, All you need is the pacing, a bit of timing, The right retort, The right line, He couldn't throw a line to a drowning man, Uh Uh Go on, - OK, Do you mind? We work alone, That is, unless we work together, How's that? A little soft, Fozzie, Go for the jugular vein, there, Go right in, Right there? OK, - Go on, Go on, Uh Uh Oh! Oh! Hey, is that a suit you're wearing? It's a nice one, yeah, but won't your wife notice the hole in the living-room rug? That's good, Now you're rolling, Go in for the kill, Go in for the kill, Hey, that's some nose you got there, buster, Why don't you rent yourself out as an anteater? I like it, Quit while you're ahead, - Oh, yeah, Oh, yeah, Oh, yeah, Oh, yeah, You call that a head? I've seen better heads on cabbages, You don't want to lose your audience, You call that an audience? It looks more like an oiI painting, Believe me, you've got 'em, Got 'em? Who wants 'em? Who wants 'em? No, no, Enough, enough, - We surrender, We surrender, No more, no more, - You did it, Fozzie, Oh, I did it! Bruce, I did it, Oh, I did it, I did, Oh! Oh! Oh! Bruce, this is the happiest moment of my life, Just learning from a pro like you, Working side by side with one of the greats, You even learned how to cue the big musicaI finish to the comedy spot, You did, - Yeah? Yeah, - All right, Oh, we ain't got a barreI of money Maybe we're ragged and funny But we traveI along, singing a song Thank you, Mr, Forsyth, - It's my pleasure, Mr, Bear, - # Hey - # We traveI along, singing a song Side by side I like the ears, Keep the ears going, They love it, Listen to that, Thank you, Thank you, Thank you, Thank you, And now "Veterinarian's Hospital.
" The continuing story of an orthopedic surgeon who's gone to the dogs.
Well, Dr, Bob, here's your next patient, What have we here? Another sick chicken? I'm not a chicken, I'm a duck, Shall we prepare for surgery on the chicken? Duck! - Oh! What was that? - I don't know, Somebody yelled "Duck," - Well, let's get back to the chicken, Duck! - Oh! I don't understand what's going on around here, Duck! - Oh! Oh, no, I'm not gonna fall for another one of Ow! So Dr.
Bob has received a serious blow.
Tune in next week, when you will hear Dr.
Bob say to his patient.
What kind of doctor do you think I am? Quack, I should know better than to ask a chicken, Duck! Let there be you Let there be me Let there be oysters under the sea Let there be wind And occasionaI rain Chili con carne Sparkling Champagne Let there be birds Small ones, huh? - Yes, - # That sing in the trees - I don't want that big one back, Someone to bless me whenever I sneeze Ahchoo! - Bless you, Piggy, Let there be cuckoos A lark and a dove But most of all, please Let there be love Come in, boys, - # Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh - # Let there there be cuckoos - # Doo, doo, doo - # A lark and a dove - # Doo, doo, dah - # But most of all, please - # Doo, doo, doo, doo, doo - # Let there be love - # Love, love - # Let there be love - # Love, love - # Let there be love - # Yes, Brucie Let there be love love between Bruce and the pig Love, love, love oh, yes, oh, love, love Yeah, Well, that's about all the time we have, We'd like to have a speciaI thanks to our speciaI guest star Mr, Bruce Forsyth, Thank you, thank you, May I say it's been a pleasure to be on this television show, And, Kermit, you're a wonderfuI MC, Yeah, but he's an MC squared, He's so dumb, he thinks Veronica Lake is a body of water, Please, Fozzie, a little humility, Yeah, if you want to be working next week, Oh, in that case Oh, please forgive me, Frog, please, Bruce, you taught him well, Hey, we'll see you all next week on The Muppet Show.
This show brought a tear to my eye, - Really? Yeah, I'm sitting on a tack,