The Nanny s01e13 Episode Script

Don't touch me.
/ I'm not touching you.
Fran! / I'm not touching her.
Well, maybe I should play the game, too.
I'm not touching you.
Oops.
/ Ow! Well, guess I'm not as good at this game as you are.
Hello, everyone.
Hello.
/ Hello.
Brighton, that's amazing.
Can you imitate Niles, too? Daddy, Brighton's not touching me again.
Brighton, I've told you before not to not touch your sister.
Now go upstairs, both of you.
Get ready for dinner.
Put on something nice.
Oh, you're taking the kids out to dinner? Where're we going? I'm gonna need at least an hour.
Actually, we're eating in.
/ Oh, well, than I'm gorgeous.
Good.
Because Chloe Simpson's coming to supper.
Chloe Simpson, the model? Seventeen Magazine? Dippy-Do? Oh, my God! Look at me, I'm a schlub.
Miss Fine, she's just a person.
No, you're just a person.
I'm just a person.
She's the Psst Girl.
I beg your pardon? Don't you remember Psst dry Shampoo, when your hair was too greasy, but you didn't wanna wash it, so you'd spray in some Psst and it would be great for weeks.
What, did you sleep through the sixties? No, actually I bathed.
Oh, Niles, there you are, good.
We have a dinner guest arriving in half-an-hour.
Half-an-hour? What, did your finger break? You couldn't have called? Oh, I'm sorry, sweetheart, I got held up in a meeting, I What am I saying? Niles, we'll have the Chateaubriand, the asparagus Hollandaise.
Get a couple of bottles of the Rothchild out of the cellar and, oh yes, your hazel nut souffles.
/ Straight away, sir.
Well, you're taking this a lot better than I am.
How do you do it? Oh, please, Miss Fine, I'm a trained professional.
I have thirty years experience.
Why is it whenever someone important is coming over your hair never comes out big enough? Oh yes, I've been there.
Oh, can you believe Chloe Simpson is coming to my mansion? That's who I'm making dinner for? / Uh-huh.
Madame Psst? Why did I cook the meat? Why not throw it to her raw? Niles, I'm sensing some hostility here.
Now dish.
Divulge the details of their torrid love affair which ended with Mister Sheffield's heart, still beating being torn from his chest? No, I couldn't.
Oh, yeah, you know, it's best left unsaid.
Now don't tell me more.
Not, not if you tortured me would I reveal the way he kept going back to her for more like a moth to a flame.
An incredibly stupid moth.
Oh, it's just like Liz and Dick.
On again, off again.
On again, off again.
Dead.
/ Hmm Niles, you gonna get that? Maybe if we're very still she'll go away.
Oh, Niles, this over protective thing is adorable, if not a little sick, but meanwhile I'm dying to meet her.
Hmm Oh, Chloe Simpson, are you gorgeous? Can I take a picture of you? Honey, come on in.
Don't just stand there.
Step, step.
Chloe / Oh, you feel familiar.
Oh, Maxwell, don't you look smashing.
You're still not a bad looking bird yourself.
How long has it been? / Oh, twenty years.
Well, moving on.
Oh, who could ever forget those three glorious weeks we spent in Cornwell? We were never in Cornwell.
Devon? / No.
The cozy little room with the fireplace and the four poster bed? No, not me.
/ Well, I had a good time.
We were in Luxembourg.
/ I remember it well.
Who's this? / Hmm? Oh, oh, yes.
These are my children Uh Oh She's back.
Brighton, Grace and Maggie.
/ Oh.
Hi.
You are beautiful.
Oh, stop.
Have you ever considered modeling? Well, actually, I did complete two years at the Barbizon School.
Uh, Miss Fine, I think she's talking to Margaret.
Oh, well, that's a natural Chloe Simpson; how do you do, darling? Chloe Simpson.
Like the modeling agency? That's right.
And I'm always looking for new faces.
Well, if she finds one, she'll give you a call.
Darling, be nice to your sister.
Hmm? / Okay.
You know, not to gush, but you were my idol.
/ Oh This woman dated the Beatles! All of them.
/ Not Ringo.
Oh, well, honey, who could blame you? I mean, with all his money why he never fixed that schnooz.
Streisand I understand, she needs it to sing.
Maxwell, what an aqueous nanny you have.
/ Oh, thank you.
I try to get to the gym at least once a week.
Niles, will supper be long? / Interminable, sir.
C.
C.
, I've decided to hold the backers auditions in Southampton this weekend.
Four hours on the Long Island Expressway? I would rather die.
Well, not to worry.
I've asked Chloe to come with me.
Oh, oh, Southampton? Oh, marvelous! All right! Oh, I won't hear of it.
No, Chloe knows lots of people there, so I'm letting you off the hook.
I don't wanna be let off the hook.
/ She wants her hooks in.
It's just that if you're having a business meeting, you'd think you'd wanna take your business partner.
Yes, you'd think, wouldn't you? Niles, that'll be all.
/ Hm-hmm.
Oh, C.
C.
, don't be jealous.
Look, Chloe and I might want to take a little walk down memory lane, but you and I will always be business partners.
Groovy.
Can I come in? Miss Fine, come on down.
Have you been to the Hamptons? I hear everyone's going.
Excuse me.
Do you need a Pamprin? No! You sure? All right.
Must be a full moon.
Meanwhile, the cookie jar's empty and Gracie needs tights.
Really? What color? Oh, she needs a forest green and a navy What do you care? I'm interested in anyone who isn't Chloe Simpson.
Oh, doesn't she look fabulous! Oh, why weren't you there last night? How come you didn't invite her? Oh, I could have had a V-Eight.
Hello Oh, hello, Chloe.
Hello, Chloe.
You know, your face could freeze like that.
Oh, well, this is all a bit sudden I well, I, I really don't know what to think.
Maybe she proposed.
Where would that leave you? Same place, really.
Let, let, let me think about it.
I'll call you back.
Bye.
No, no.
you hang up first.
No, you Well, I know I'm a little nauseous.
Chloe, I'm not hanging up.
Oh, were you through? / Apparently.
Well, Chloe has set up a test for Maggie with a photographer.
She thinks Maggie could be a top model.
/ Really?! Oh, now she's pretending to be interested in the children.
That woman is so transparent.
Yeah, but what a piece of glass.
Oh, I can't wait to tell Maggie.
Miss, Miss Fine, Miss Fine, I haven't said yes yet.
Yeah.
But you're going to.
Thank God my father didn't stop me when the Barbizon scout picked me out of a crowd at Woolworths.
And you know, they don't take just anybody's money.
Sorry.
I, I tried to follow you.
Oh, Maggie, Chloe Simpson just called.
She wants to set up a modeling test for you.
Oh, I can't believe it! / We're gonna be a model! Oh, I'm gonna go call all my friends.
Oh You made the right decision.
When, when exactly did I do that? Oh, would you just trust me? It'll be great for her, and she's got nothing to lose.
Miss Fine, tell me, why didn't you pursue a career in modeling? Oh, they all expect you to sleep around.
Oh, Fran, I think I sprained my cheek.
Now you should have warmed up first.
Oh, Mags, I'm so excited for you.
'Cause you know I used to be a model.
Oh, really? What did you model? / Feet.
All the Fines have fabulous feet.
There's not a corn, bunion or fungus among us.
Oh, Fran, I'm so nervous.
I mean, what if I'm not good at this? Then I win twenty bucks.
Gracie has a lot of faith in you.
Where did you get twenty bucks from, miss? I won it when Maggie didn't make cheerleader.
I don't know what I was thinking.
Oh, forget them.
Come on, here's the most important thing.
You have to look subtle, natural and understated.
Like this.
Well, that doesn't look very natural.
Yeah, but look at my feet.
Oh, they still have so much left to say.
Fran, you're so great to do this for me.
Oh, sweetheart, we're just getting started.
I have so much wisdom to impart.
Like how to purse your lips to get that little pouty look.
How to smell cauliflower, you know, for that "who cares about you" look.
And then the best look of all.
What's that for? That's for when they give you the check for the other two looks.
Ah, just the woman I've been looking for.
Oh, I didn't do it.
Niles left it on.
What? / Nothing.
Ahh.
I meant Maggie.
Hello, sweetheart.
/ Hello, Daddy.
Fern? / Fran.
Are you sure? / I'm almost positive.
How's my bright new star? / Oh, fabulous.
I've been giving her tips all afternoon, and later I'm gonna take her upstairs, show her how to do her hair, make-up.
/ No! No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
No! / My stylist is waiting for us at Barney's Designer Floor right now.
Come on, sweetheart, I'll get your coat.
Oh, Daddy, I can't believe it.
This is so exciting.
And I know just who to thank for it.
/ Oh Chloe! / My pleasure, darling.
I'll take it from here.
Yeah.
And I could tell you just where to put it, too.
I mean, who does that Chloe Simpson think she is? The nerve of that woman trespassing on my field of expertise.
And, uh, what exactly would that be? Glamour! This reminds me of that movie The Turning Point.
Except they were dancers, and one was a mother, and they were old friends.
I should really rent that again.
I haven't seen Maxwell in three days.
I don't know why I bother coming over anymore Aren't you gonna say anything obnoxious? I wouldn't kick a dog when she's down.
I don't know what you're talking about.
I am perfectly fine.
He's taking her to Southampton instead of me! / Oh, honey It's just a business trip.
Now how many times have you gone away with him and gotten nowhere.
Here.
Here.
Just plain tomato juice? Don't you have anything hard? Not for you.
Look what the years have done to that Chloe.
Absolutely nothing.
OhI hate her.
Do you think she's had / Asians? I don't know.
She's had everybody else.
No.
Surgery.
Oh, honey, please.
They did less work on Mount Rushmore.
Um, excuse me, nanny person.
Please, please, stand over here.
I can't see over your hair.
Oh, thanks, Pepe.
No, no, no.
It's Pep-Pay.
Okay? Oh, let me guess.
Arnold.
Right? No.
Bernie.
Oh Well, Bernie, now that we understand each other, I think you went a little O.
D.
'd with that blush there.
Oh, so now the nanny's an expert.
/ I used to be a model.
And what happened? You shrinked in the dryer? Putz.
Oh my God, you turned out just perfect.
I wish I could just sign you.
Maggie, you look gorgeous.
/ Doesn't she? Oh, Chloe, I just love my outfit.
Oh, I'm sure, darling.
It's a twenty-five hundred dollar Gautier.
Oh, I hope you got the receipt.
Eighty-nine-ninety-five at Loehmans.
Oh, knock 'em dead, Mags.
You look gorgeous.
Hello, Maggie.
This is Carlo.
You like? Okay, darling, make love to the camera.
Hey, wa-la! That's it.
That's beautiful.
Yes.
I am such a turn-on.
Now dance for me! Dance! Dance! Yes! Wait, Carlo.
She's only fifteen.
Who is giving me a wedgie I don't like so much? I'm her nanny.
Plus I used to model.
What? Feet? Euro-trash.
Maggie, you rest.
We reload the camera.
Okay? Carlo, what do you think? Oh, how do you say She stink.
Take a few more rolls, would you? I mean, just make a fuss.
You know what to do.
I'm an artist.
You think I just point the camera and take a picture? If you want to get paid.
Maggie, love to love you, baby.
Oh yes, I'll probably have to go off to Milan for the fall fashion shows School? Oh, Chloe says I might have to get a tutor.
Yeah, 'cause you know I'll probably have a lot of location shoots.
Oh, Chloe is so cool.
No, she's not a phony at all! Rotten one.
Okay.
Ciao, darling.
Yeah, I'll talk to you later.
Fran, do you know yoga? The bear? Oh, that's Yogi.
'Cause Chloe says it's the best way to keep your energy up.
Oh.
Um, listen, Mags, aren't you getting just like a little ahead of yourself.
What do you mean? Well, I mean, shouldn't we just wait and see how the pictures come out first before we start planning big trips to Milan and everything? Well, Chloe says that I'm / Yeah, I know what Chloe says.
But can't we just cross that bitch when we get to it? Excuse me? That's an expression.
Bridge, crossing it.
I'm only saying that not every beautiful girl has to be a model.
I mean, you could be a gorgeous astronaut.
A, a leggy lawyer.
Grape? You know what I think? / What? I think you're jealous.
/ What? Because I'm living out my dreams and you're not! Oh, Maggie It's all right, Niles, I'll get it.
It's probably Chloe.
Don't trip over your hormones, sir.
Niles, I'm perfectly in control of my hormones.
Chloe, let me take your dress, uh, coat.
Oh, smooth operator, sir.
I'll be with you in a minute, darling.
Me jealous of that fake? That phony? That Oh honey, hi.
Hello, Fern.
Darling, I've got the photographs.
Let's sit down.
Oh, how did they turn out? / Not good.
Well, see here / Oh You were just a little bit stiff, and the eyes are just a little bit dead.
So what are you saying? / Oh, what am I trying to say? That you're vacant, lifeless I stink? / Bingo! I just can't believe this.
/ Oh, she's so sensitive.
I can't believe I used to idolize you.
You are the most insensitive, self-centered woman I've ever met.
Oh, you've got great feet.
/ You think? You know I used to Whoa, what am I doing? You're sucking me in again.
Get back.
A woman needs garlic around you.
Love to stay and chat, but I've got a plane to catch.
A plane? Where are you going? / Paris.
You're supposed to be going to Southampton with Mister Sheffield.
Oh, dash it all, I completely forgot.
I should have put that in my book.
Yeah, well, he's counting on you.
/ Oh, nonsense.
He knows me better than that.
Twenty years ago I left him a total wreck.
I can't believe he forgave me.
I would never have forgiven me.
Oh, perhaps I would.
I am endearing.
Oh, if I didn't just get my nails done.
But you know this time I should say goodbye.
I have grown.
Where is Maxwell? / No.
No, no, no, no, no, no.
No? / With your light touch, I'll tell him.
Oh, what a dear.
Well have a nice trip.
Oh Well, you've still got it.
You knew all along, didn't you? Oh, honey, don't listen to that witch.
You have so much more going for you.
Her whole life is about her beauty.
Is that what you want? At her age? Jetsetting around the world going from party to party, one gorgeous man after the other.
I mean, to me it's not a bad life.
Wait, I'm, I'm losing my whole point here.
What Oh, Fran, I'm so sorry for what I said to you.
Sweetie, you weren't so far off.
I was jealous.
But not of you.
Never.
I just thought that you liked Chloe better than me.
Fran, no way.
You're my best friend.
Oh, really? I don't know, maybe I overreacted.
I'm just not used to rejection.
It's hard.
/ Yes, I know, angel, and I'm sorry.
Well, I hope I've packed enough.
I wonder what the weather's like in the Hamptons? Very cold.
Margaret, sweetheart, what's the matter? Oh, the pictures stink.
I stink.
Oh, I'm sure they don't stink Well, pictures don't matter, sweetheart.
If you want the world to see how beautiful you are, you only have to step out into it, and they'll see.
And if they're really lucky, like me, they'll get to see how lovely you are on the inside, too.
Oh, Daddy / Oh, Mister Sheffield Oh, I've had a lot of disappointments in my life, but I haven't let them stop me.
It's made me stronger.
/ I'll be all right.
Oh, I can't stand to see her heart broken.
Maybe I'll have a word with Chloe when we get to Southampton.
Uh, Mister Sheffield, maybe you ought to have a seat, because in a couple of minutes, oy, are you gonna be strong.
Make-up.
Not too much, Pepe, they'll look cheap.
Now happy feet.
Yes, now sad feet.
Oh, your feet, they have such soul.
Now sexy feet.
Sexy Oh, yes, I like.
Not that angle.
They don't wanna look fat.