The Neighborhood (2018) s01e13 Episode Script

1 Son.
Why have you been eating my Fruity Puffs? What Fruity Puffs? Mom doesn't let you have those sugar cereals anymore.
"Let me have"? Nobody lets me have anything.
I'm not scared of your mama.
Okay.
Well, I didn't see any Fruity Puffs - in that cabinet.
- I know, 'cause I hid 'em here.
Okay, I see.
S-So Mom's going out of town for the weekend, you just gonna do whatever you want to, huh? You know, son, you don't understand what it's like to be the man of the house.
You're always worried about other people's needs.
It's never really about you.
But with your mother going to Vegas overnight, the rest of this weekend is about me and only me.
Well, excuse me, Pop, - but I will still be here.
- Yeah.
But I don't care about your needs.
- Calvin! - Mm.
Yeah, babe.
Hey, baby.
Can you do me a favor - and take these to the car? - Damn, Tina.
You're only going away for one night.
Why do you need three bags? Well, this one is for my clothes, this one is for hair and makeup, and this one is empty.
Mama's going shopping.
And what else do you and Gemma have planned for Vegas? Baby, how about you don't ask me about my plans, and I won't ask you about that box of Fruity Puffs that you got hiding behind my cookbooks.
- Have a great trip.
- Okay.
I'm so excited! Tina and I are gonna have so much fun.
I know, your first girls' trip.
Man, I wish I could go.
Okay, but then it wouldn't be much of a girls' trip, would it, sweetie? I know, but I really feel like I could add to the experience.
Like you two are Thelma and Louise and I'm Brad Pitt.
- Hey, guys.
- Hey.
So, what do you say, Gemma? You ready to have some fun? - You know it, girl! - Yeah! What do you say, Calvin? You ready to have some fun, too? I got to load the bags, Dave.
This one feels empty.
Maybe I should climb in and stow away.
Hey, that's a good idea.
'Cause you know what they say: what goes to Vegas stays in Vegas.
Welcome to the block, welcome to the neighborhood Welcome to the hood.
("IF IT AIN'T CALLED LOVE" BY ASHLEY THOMAS PLAYING) Hey, girl Aw, that takes me back to my player days right there.
(CHUCKLES) Tina lucky she locked me down.
Hey, boy It's good to be the king.
I thought all kings wore robes.
Well, they do.
(GRUNTS) But I needed to let the royal jewels breathe.
Hey, man.
So, this is how you're fulfilling your needs for the weekend, huh? Sitting in your underwear, listening to oldies, and giving yourself diabetes? It's pretty cool, right? You know what would be pretty cool, Pop, is if you ordered the pay-per-view fight for tonight.
Posley versus Camargo.
Supposed to be a good one.
But then I would be fulfilling your needs as well as mine.
Aw, what the hell.
I'm a benevolent king.
Okay, well, I'll let Marty know.
Good.
We'll make it a guys' night.
All right.
Well, I'll invite Dave.
Now, hold on a second, now.
What? How come? 'Cause Dave is not the kind of guy you invite over for guys' night.
I mean, now, we were having a men's brunch with a wine tasting? All right, look, Pop, I know Dave is not your typical kind of dude, but if you ask me, Dave is a man.
I know.
That's why I don't ask you.
Look, come on, Pop.
He is a good husband and father who takes care of his family.
And he is not embarrassed to be himself.
There is no shame in Dave's game.
I know.
Which is weird, because there really should be.
But that's what I'm saying, man.
Dave knows who he is, and he owns it no matter what anyone thinks.
Isn't that what makes a man real to you? Fine.
Go ahead.
Invite him.
Probably doesn't even like boxing.
(IMITATING DAVE): "Calvin, it's so barbaric.
"Why can't they just settle their differences with a rousing game of Parcheesi?" (PHONE CHIMES) Dave says, "Hell yes," and he is bringing snacks.
Okay.
Yeah.
- Well, maybe it won't be so bad.
- (PHONE CHIMES) He wants to know what you like on your veggie plate.
Okay, we have a gondola ride at the Venetian at 6:00, the dancing fountains at the Bellagio at 7:30, and Drumroll, please Donny and Marie tickets at 9:00! (WHOOPS) Vegas, baby! Girls' trip.
Gemma, the only girl who's trippin' is you.
Yeah, we only came here because you said that you needed to blow off some steam.
We're not doing any of that corny stuff.
But I made a whole itinerary.
Look.
It's got little boxes we can check off.
Aw.
Well, that's nice.
But my itinerary says that it's time to throw out your itinerary.
What? Check.
I just thought the more structure we had, the more we could pack into our night.
When I rage, I try to rage efficiently.
Gemma, a girls' night in Vegas is like floating down a river.
You know? You got to go with the flow and see where it takes you.
And why is your plan better than mine? Because it's Vegas, girl.
Always bet on black.
(LAUGHS) Hey.
Check it out, ladies.
The hottest show in town.
See your wildest fantasies onstage tonight.
Magic Mike Live? What? Let me see that.
It's just a bunch of male strippers.
Exactly.
You see? We go with the flow, and plans will fall right in our laps.
And tonight some men will, too.
Thanks again for inviting me.
Grover's at a sleepover.
Otherwise I wouldn't have been able to come.
How convenient.
You gonna get in on some of this jicama, Calvin? It's in season.
Well, fortunately, so is pizza.
Man, this is great.
Nothing like a bunch of guys getting together to watch a big fight.
(CHUCKLES) Whoa.
I almost just double dipped.
So So, uh, Dave, who do you think's gonna win the fight? Well, I don't know much about these two fighters.
But Camargo is undefeated against southpaws, and nobody cuts the ring off better than he does.
And then, Posley does have a three-inch reach advantage and a pretty solid chin.
(CHUCKLES) But I'm rooting for Posley 'cause I like his purple shorts.
(CHUCKLES): Hey, guys.
Big fight night.
Oh, I see the jicama's in season.
Yeah.
Whoa.
Wh-What's wrong with the TV? Why's it all pixelated like that? I don't know.
I paid for the fight.
Well, maybe something's blocking the satellite dish.
Well, Marty, do something.
You work on satellites.
Yeah, in space.
Then it should be easier down here.
Okay.
Let's just go outside and take a look.
(GRUNTS) I told you we shouldn't have invited Dave.
Oh, he had nothing to do with this.
I didn't say he did.
Oh, there's the problem.
The branch from Dave's tree is blocking the signal.
I knew this was Dave's fault.
How is this my fault? Because you don't trim your trees enough.
Old raggedy-ass branches just waving around like one of those things in front of a used car lot.
You know, it's a California oak.
I can't trim it.
They're protected by law.
Oh.
That must be why the cop cars cruise by here three times a day.
Yes, hi.
It's Dave Johnson.
Local homeowner.
Yeah, we have a bit of a tree conun (CHAIN SAW BUZZING LOUDLY) Marty, get the ladder.
Whoa, whoa, Pop, Pop, you are not climbing on some old, rickety roof with a chain saw.
I'll be fine.
How do you know that? 'Cause you're gonna do it.
No, I'm not.
You heard Dave.
Trimming an oak is illegal.
I done stayed out of jail this long.
I'm not going in for assaulting a tree.
Hmm.
Okay.
Then Marty will do it.
(LAUGHS): Oh, Dad, uh you know I would do anything to prove to you that I am a man, but I'm scared of heights, and I just ate a lot of jicama, so Fine.
Since none of you will do it, I guess I will.
No, you won't.
Give me the chain saw.
Really? Mr.
I Like His Purple Shorts? Yeah, that's right.
Look, it's my tree.
My property.
My responsibility.
Okay.
Go ahead.
Wait, wait.
Dave, are you sure you know how to use that thing? - Oh, relax.
- Whoa, man! (CHAIN SAW REVS) I got this.
Now, before I go up there, I'm gonna need two things: hold the ladder and watch out for Five-O.
(WOMEN CHEERING LOUDLY, RAP MUSIC PLAYING) I don't know about this.
You don't know about what? Hot men? It's just, this isn't my kind of thing.
I know Donny and Marie are a solid five out of five stars on Yelp.
Yeah, but that guy has a solid six out of six abs.
Tina! That is somebody's son.
Mm-hmm.
And somebody raised him right! Okay.
Okay.
But what would Calvin think if he knew you were here surrounded by all these hot, shirtless guys? He doesn't care.
In our house, it doesn't matter where you get your appetite, as long as you come home to eat.
Okay, I'm up.
Looking good, Dave! He is gonna die.
Come on, man, get to it! Fight starts in five minutes.
Okay, here we go.
- (CHAIN SAW REVVING) - Whoa.
(LAUGHS) It really shakes in your hands! Maybe I should call 911 now so they're already on their way.
(CHAIN SAW REVVING) I can't reach it.
All right, then-then just come back down, man.
Don't risk it.
Or get up on your tippy-toes! (MOUTHING) (CHAIN SAW REVVING) I'm so close! Whoa! Be careful, David! Yeah, seriously, man! That's a new chain saw! Almost got it.
(LAUGHS): Oh! Yes! - (WHOOPS) Oh! - All right! I told you I could do it! Hey, y-you know what? You sure did, man.
Now, please, just come on down, all right? Okay, okay.
But seriously, you should've seen the look on your faces when you thought I was gonna Whoa! Whoa! Oh, Daddy, no! Ooh! Oh, Pop! Pop! Oh, Pop.
(GRUNTING) Oh, my God, Calvin.
If you didn't break my fall, I could be dead right now.
I know.
That's what I keep thinking, too.
Are you sure you don't want to go to the hospital? Oh, no, I'm fine.
Thank you, though.
(MOUTHS) You oh, you-you mean Calvin.
No, I'm-I'm all right; it's just my back's out a little bit.
Help-help me sit down.
- All right.
Easy.
- Okay, you know, the craziest part was how Dave bounced off of you and landed right back on top of you.
Like, the science of that is-is Maybe that's for another time.
All I know is this damn TV better be working.
(SCREAMS) - Pop, Pop.
- Get the remote, Marty.
Yeah, I got it, I got it.
- (TV TURNS ON) - Hey, it's working.
(STRAINS): Oh, man, this is killing me.
Gosh, Calvin, you know, I can't help but feel somewhat responsible for all this.
You know what? Let me run next door and get you some of Gemma's prescription muscle relaxants.
Why does Gemma have muscle relaxants? Oh, well, the doctor just gave them to her for when her menstrual cramps get real bad.
Oh.
I'm not taking your wife's period pills, Dave.
No, no, no, Calvin, they're not her period pills.
They're just the pills she takes when she's on her period.
(GRUNTS) - (SHOUTS) - MALCOLM: Whoa, whoa, Pop.
You just can't sit here like this, man.
Yeah, man, you look miserable.
Yeah, you know what? They're right.
Luckily, Calvin, I have another solution.
I give an amazing massage.
Get the pills.
Get the damn pills, Dave! - (WHOOPS) - Yeah! Work it, baby.
Hump that floor! I think I'm starting to get it.
All of these men are here for our pleasure, asking what we want.
No one ever asks women what they want.
Look at him twirling that T-shirt over his head like a sexy helicopter.
It's almost as if Magic Mike is the ultimate expression of feminism.
Oh! Oh-oh-oh! Black Hawk down! (LAUGHS) - I'm going oh, oh, oh, oh! - Wait.
Whoa, whoa, what are you doing? Come on! We're going to the stage.
What-what? Wait, wait, wait! Tina! Tina! I don't think I'm ready for this much feminism.
What's about to happen? Magic, Gemma.
Magic.
Wow, round five and Posley's still in it.
Well, yeah, but look how much he's bleeding.
Ah, get him, Camargo! Hey, Pop, those pills making you feel any better? (SLURRING): Actually quite a bit.
But why do these guys keep hitting each other like that? With all of the violence in the world, don't you think it's a better way they can solve their problems? Um, like what? Like a dance-off.
Or a staring contest? Yeah, let let-let me see those pills.
Just "The side effects may include dizziness, drowsiness, and emotional sensitivity.
" What the world needs is love.
Okay, look I-I only gave him two.
Oh, wait.
I just gave him two.
Can I give him two more? Malcolm.
Malcolm, where are you, boy? Yeah hey, hey, hey, hey, Pop.
I'm sitting right next to you, man.
- Oh.
There you are.
- Yeah.
Come here, son.
O-Okay.
- Malcolm.
- Yeah? You're my firstborn son.
Yeah.
- And I love you, boy.
- Uh-huh.
- Hey, uh, thanks, Pop.
- Yeah.
Marty? Yes, Dad? I was just seeing if you were still here.
O-Okay.
Okay.
Okay, guys, I-I'm starting to get a little worried.
Calvin, you've ingested some pretty serious drugs, and you're experiencing side effects.
Is there anything you need? Well, you know what? Now that you mention it, there is.
Ok-Okay, what is it? Does that offer for a back rub still stand? You guys heard him! He asked.
(WOMEN CHEERING, R&B MUSIC PLAYING) - (GASPS) Oh! Oh.
- Yeah.
Hi, I'm Gemma.
I really appreciate your progressiveness and your willingness to objectify yourself for my pleasure.
Gemma, shut up and make some noise! - (WHOOPS) - (WHOOPS, CHUCKLES) Now, where are you comfortable with me putting my hands? That works.
Come on, Gemma, get out of your head.
This is our girls' trip.
You're right.
Like Thelma and Louise.
- Yes.
There you go.
- Yeah.
Now, come on, Thelma.
Do you trust me? I do, Louise.
Do you trust in the magic of Vegas? Yes.
And of our girls' trips? Ooh okay.
Then, come on, girl, let's ride this thing over the cliff together! You sit down.
I can do this.
See, I used to do this back in the day.
Hey, hey.
(WOMEN CHEERING) And to think, after this, we can still go to Donny and Marie! Okay, Calvin, how we doing? (SLURRING): I don't know what your hands are doing back there, Dave, but don't stop.
Do you think Pop's gonna remember any of this? No, I don't.
Which is why I've been recording.
Okay.
I think we got all the knots out.
Oh, man, fight's over.
Yeah, but I think we can all agree that this was the main event.
How you doing, Calvin? You feeling okay? Oh, so much better.
You know what? Dave, I have to admit, when Malcolm first suggested inviting you tonight, I was like "Boo.
Bad idea.
" But now I'm more like, "Yay! Dave's here.
" Well, I-I'm glad you came around.
Now, don't tell you I said this.
I don't give you enough credit.
I mean, you're not as soft as I thought.
Sure, yeah, you smile too much and you go to Disneyland by yourself but you, you got up on that roof with a chain saw and you did something dangerous and stupid.
And to me, that's a man.
I appreciate that, Calvin.
Okeydokey.
My eyes are gonna go to sleep now.
Sweet dreams, buddy.
Oh, and I'm gonna need copies of that texted and e-mailed to me immediately! (MOUTHING) Hey, Dave.
Oh, hey, Calvin.
How's the back? Eh, a little sore, but better.
Man, those pills were strong.
I don't even remember the fight.
(CHUCKLES): Oh, well, uh you enjoyed it.
Oh, hey, honey.
How was your trip? I'll tell you all about it inside.
Well, you don't wantto grab your bag Nope.
Mama came home hungry.
(DOOR CLOSES) Oh, no.
No, no, no.
Tina, I know that look, but, baby, I hurt my back, okay? Oh, you poor baby.
It's a good thing I only need your front.
All right, all right.
But first, let me take my period pills.
All right.