The New Adventures of Old Christine s01e13 Episode Script

- Oh, hi, Ritchie.
- Mom, look.
Mrs.
Belt had us draw family portraits today.
Wow, that is so great.
Lookit, there's you, and Daddy, and Uncle Matthew and Oh, look at me.
I'm so colorful and happy.
Ha, ha.
I look like an angel.
That's not you.
That's Daddy's girlfriend, New Christine.
You're over there.
Uh? Oh, I thought that was a bear.
You don't supervise the artwork at all, Mrs.
Belt? Oh, I don't think you look like a bear, Mrs.
Campbell.
But I thought the salmon in your teeth was a nice detail.
You're funny, Mrs.
Belt.
- Did you hear that, Mom? - Ha, yeah.
Yeah, I did.
That's hilarious.
Honey, would you go and get your things together? - Okay, Mom.
- Okay.
Uh, Mrs.
Belt, I always get a late start on these things but I wanted to sign up early for the Spring Carnival.
It's in two days.
Well, this is early for me.
Well, you need to talk to the room parents.
They have the sign-up sheets.
Oh.
Hmm.
I'd rather catch a salmon in my teeth.
- Hello, ladies.
Hi.
- What's going on? What's all the gossip? - It's not gossip, Christine.
It's real news.
- Should I tell her? - No, there's nothing to tell.
I'll tell her.
There's a new parent at the school, and he is, in a word, gorgeous.
- Stunning.
- Dazzling smile.
Arms just made for holding.
Ugh.
I wish someone would hold me.
What? You have problems too.
- Oh, and he's single.
- Gosh, he sounds amazing.
Do I have time to go home and put on my good boobs? Oh, Christine.
It's best not to get your hopes up.
I mean, this man is smart, he's cultured, funny, successful.
Yeah, he's not your type.
Hey, I'm all those things too, you know.
Are you? No.
Oh, there he is.
Oh, my God.
Burton.
Wait, you know him? How does she know him? What is this? Hey.
Hey.
Oh.
Oh, how you doing? Hey, God, you look great.
Wow, so do you.
What are you doing here? It's my son Stevie's first day.
Yeah, my ex enrolled him a couple of weeks ago.
You are kidding me.
- Hello.
Remember us? - We met in the parking lot.
You said that thing, and then we all laughed? - Ha-ha-ha.
- Ha-ha-ha.
Remember? So, um, how do you two know each other? How? How do we, um? Well Well, uh, Christine and I went out for a while.
I fell in love with her.
Then she dumped me and broke my heart.
- Oh.
- Come on.
You.
- I'm serious.
- No, you're not.
Ha, ha.
- Come on.
Ha, ha.
- He's so funny.
He is funny.
- No, he's serious.
Oh.
Okay, uh, well, um, we are, uh, coordinating the Spring Carnival so if there was anything that you wanted to sign up for Put me down for the decoration committee.
I'm very good with crepe.
I'll do that too.
I had a crepe for breakfast.
- Why are you laughing? - I feel bad about myself.
Well, uh, nice to meet you, Burton.
Let's get out of here.
- So, I'm - Wait, wait.
I'm sorry, but it is so rare that I win with those two women.
- I just need to take a moment to savor.
- Oh, go ahead.
Yeah.
- Okay.
Ha, ha! I've been thinking about you the last couple of months.
- Oh, should I bring them back in for this? - Ha! No.
I, uh, really wish I could talk longer, but I gotta take Stevie to the dentist.
- Oh, anything serious? - No, no.
Dr.
Hagopian's buying a second home and we're trying to help him out with the down payment, so But I guess I'll be seeing you on the decorating committee.
- Yeah, tomorrow.
- Great.
- Yeah, ahem.
- Man, you look good.
- Bye.
- Okay.
- I'm ready, Mom.
- Wait a minute, honey.
Mommy just needs to take a moment to savor.
Okay, we can go.
Aha.
What's the smile all about? Did you get the last punch on your Quiznos card? I ran into Burton at school today.
His son just started there.
Is that weird or what? Wow, so did you two get it on? Yeah.
We got it on in my son's third grade classroom.
- What? - I don't know.
You've done it in worse places than that.
RadioShack.
Oh, well.
Hey, that was college, and it was after-hours.
Plus, that guy was very helpful.
- So, uh, what'd you guys talk about? - Not much, he had to run.
But he said he'd been thinking about me and he wanted to talk to me.
- So you like him again? - Oh, I've always liked him.
I broke up with him because I was scared.
But I've been having second thoughts about it for a while.
I mean, maybe I gave up before I gave it a real shot.
- So when are you gonna see him again? - Tomorrow.
We're setting up at the Spring Carnival.
Maybe the opportunity will present itself.
Ooh.
Maybe I'll get a new outfit to make sure the opportunity presents itself.
Or maybe, for once in your life, you could calm down and act like an adult.
Yeah.
Oh, maybe I'll get boots too.
Boots.
Hi, Mrs.
Belt.
Hey, Richard.
Hey, New Christine.
What? Your outfit.
What kind of booth are you setting up, exactly? What? I wear this dress all the time.
It's old.
You left the tag under your arm.
Ahem.
Wow, Christine.
That is some outfit.
Wait a minute, is that lipstick? Huh.
You don't smell like the gym.
It's nothing.
Jeez, it's not that unusual, okay? So I'm a little dressed up.
Ha.
I get dressed up all the time.
Do you? No.
You are trying to impress that new dad, aren't you? Burton.
What? Get out of here.
I don't need to impress Burton.
I already impressed him.
In fact, once I impressed him three times in one night.
Hi, Mrs.
Belt.
So, you know, if I wanna turn on my charms a little, that's my prerogative.
And I can.
I know him.
Well.
- Hello.
- Oh, hey, Burton.
Ha, ha.
- Who is this? - This is my girlfriend.
- Girlfriend? - Hi, I'm Christine.
Are you freaking kidding me? Hey, Burton.
Nice to see you again.
- I'm Richard.
- Christine.
- I'm Christine.
- Hi, Christine.
And you are? Christine.
- Hi, Christine.
- Hi.
Are? Are you okay? Oh, yeah, I'm fine.
I'm, uh I'm so happy to meet your new girlfriend.
Because I got a new outfit, and everything, so that's good.
Um But I have to go, so Oh! Oh.
Damn it! Stand back! I've got it.
- Look, here, let me just help - I've got it! Richard, help her.
Now.
Okay.
Here we go.
In a minute, this is all gonna be over.
In the meantime, laugh like you have a sense of humor about yourself.
Not a mental patient.
Just a sense of humor.
- You okay? - I can't believe this.
Why do these things keep happening to me? I'm a good mother.
I'm a decent person.
- You don't have any wine in here, do you? - I have half a bag of red-hot Cheetos.
Oh, yeah.
Anything.
I'm never liking anyone again.
I mean it, it's not worth it.
These things don't work out for me.
I'm done.
Seriously.
The factory is closed.
Aw, don't close the factory.
It's a good factory.
Hundreds of hard-working men rely on that factory.
The woman's name is Christine.
And she's pretty.
So now we got New Christine, Pretty Christine, and me, Old Christine.
- Old Christine.
- I don't like it when you say it.
- Sorry.
Look, it's Burton's loss, not yours.
- Oh, yeah, right.
It is.
That guy doesn't know what he's missing.
Christine, you're the most incredible woman he's ever gonna meet.
And if he doesn't know that, then he doesn't deserve you.
Boy, when you're great, you're the greatest, you know that? What? Those red-hot Cheetos are mighty powerful.
Holy cow! Oh, my - Matthew.
- Aah! - Oh.
- Oh, boy.
Oh, God.
What am I doing? Apparently, my sister.
I gotta get out of here.
Oh.
Matthew, get that.
Am I gonna be an uncle again? Uh, here.
I got most of it, but I couldn't bring myself to pick up anything with strings or wings.
- Are you okay? - No.
- What happened? - I don't know.
I was so confused and depressed, and then the next thing I know my hand was one place and his tongue was someplace else.
Actually, no, you don't owe me an explanation, that's But I want to explain.
But I can't.
I don't want Richard back.
I don't.
But I thought I wanted Burton back, but then he didn't want me back and then I thought, "Does anyone want me back?" And then Richard started rubbing my back and then Thank God Ritchie wasn't with you, he would've been so confused.
I have to say, I'm not doing that great with it myself.
Matthew, this was a terrible mistake.
It's just that it was familiar, you know, and I was looking for a little comfort, is all.
Well, just, some people eat soup I just I want you to strike this from your memory.
Okay? Promise me you'll strike it.
I promise, I'll put it in the memory pile along with junior high school and seeing Grandma get out of the bath.
God, it was so embarrassing to find out about Burton's new girlfriend in front of those horrible clucky women at school.
I don't know if I can show my face at the fair tomorrow.
Hey, everyone makes mistakes.
And forget those women.
Who cares what they think.
You just go to that fair tomorrow with your head held high.
You have nothing to be ashamed of.
I found your bra under my seat.
Man, that thing has a quicker release than John Elway.
- Can I talk to you for a minute? - There's nothing to talk about, Richard.
And how could you do that? Me? You started it.
I was vulnerable.
I was having a hard day.
You took advantage.
You stuck your hand down my pants.
It was a reflex, okay? Like blinking.
Just forget about it, please.
Okay? You kissed me.
Let it go.
Of course.
We'll let it go.
It was a strange moment.
- You kissed me.
It doesn't mean anything.
- Right.
Nothing.
You kissed me.
It's over.
No big deal.
You kissed me.
That's all that needs to be said.
- You kissed me.
- You kissed me.
- You kissed me.
- You kissed me.
- You kissed me! - You kissed me! Damn it, if I wouldn't kiss you again right now.
- God.
- Me too.
- What's happening to us? - I don't know.
I mean, I know why you'd kiss me.
You're lonely and a little desperate.
But But what am I doing? I have someone.
I have to tell New Christine.
What? Wait.
Wait, are you out of your mind? You know me.
I can't keep secrets.
The guilt will eat me alive.
No, Richard, this would be a huge mistake.
Listen to me, there is no reason to share this with New Christine.
- Maybe you're right.
- I am.
- Okay.
- Okay.
- Damn you! - Damn you! Where's my underwear? - Hello, ladies.
- Oh, hello, Christine.
- You enjoying the fair? - What? What affair? What did you hear? - The fair.
- Oh, the fair.
Oh, yeah.
Yeah, I'm enjoying it.
Yeah.
I signed up to work this booth for an hour.
Feeling okay about everything that happened yesterday? Yesterday? Why, what did you hear? - With Burton.
- Oh, with Burton.
Oh, yeah.
Oh, look, I'm fine.
The truth is, that worked out great for me because I don't really have time for a relationship right now.
- Oh, perfect.
That's what we'll tell people.
Mm-hm.
- No, that's the truth.
- Okay, then we'll tell them that.
I love fairs.
I hope they have funnel cake.
Or that game with the water pistol and the balloons.
The noise scares me but I like holding the gun.
- What's your favorite game? - I made out with Christine.
- I don't think I know that one.
- No, I made out with Christine.
- What? - It was a mistake.
I was trying to make her feel better after she found out Burton had a girlfriend.
She was eating Cheetos, I was rubbing her back one thing led to another and we kissed.
- I don't believe this.
- It didn't mean anything.
I swear.
Besides, it confirmed what I already knew, which is, I'm over her.
And it confirmed something else too, which is, I love you.
So making out with your ex-wife made you realize that you love me? Yeah.
Isn't that great? I feel better.
You wanna go inside? You know, Richard, as long as I've been around I've watched and I've waited for something like this to happen.
And I knew it would, because a little voice inside told me it would.
But I ignored the little voice.
And when the little voice got louder, I told the little voice to shut the hell up.
- Christine, I'm sorry.
- No.
You don't get to be sorry.
- It's over now.
- Well, you're right about that.
- What? - I can't be with someone who only decides they wanna be with me when they're with someone else.
I'm great.
I deserve better than that.
- I'm breaking up with you.
- Christine.
I told Ritchie I'd be here, so I'm gonna go say hello to him, and then I'm gone.
- It's the - Oh I'm leaving.
Hi.
Oh, hello.
- How are you? - Great.
You know, my carnival work keeps me busy.
- I felt bad about what happened yesterday.
- A lot of things happened yesterday.
- Which one? - When you met my girlfriend.
Oh, yeah, your girlfriend.
Sorry, I meet so many people.
Christine, I'm sorry.
I know you were probably kind of surprised to see that I was seeing someone so soon after we broke up but I didn't think it would bother you, since you're the one who broke up with me.
Oh, no, it didn't bother me.
I mean, I've seen people too.
Lots.
I'm the town factory, for God's sake.
You can't close me down.
Christine, I still care about you.
Oh.
Well, what about your new girlfriend? You know Pretty Christine? Well, all I can think about is you and that doesn't seem very fair to Pretty Christine.
- I don't like it when you say it.
- Right.
Christine, I broke up with her.
What? You broke up with her? Why? Well, it seemed like yesterday you might have been hinting that you'd like to try us again.
Hinting? How was I hinting? Well, maybe not so much hinting as throwing yourself at me.
You know, with the, uh, lipstick and the stripper boots.
Stripper boots? Those weren't stripper boots.
For your information, those were hooker boots.
- Oh, sorry.
- Ha, ha, ha.
You're all I can think about since I saw you.
Oh, you're all I can think about since I saw you.
- I've missed you.
- Me too.
What'd you miss about me? - What, you want a list? - Yes, please.
Um, well, for starters - Christine? - Not now.
Christine broke up with me.
I'm kind of in the middle of something here.
- I told her we made out yesterday.
- You made out with your ex-husband? Wait, was this before or after you couldn't stop thinking about me? During.
Yeah, yeah.
I made out with Richard in the parking lot but I was thinking of you the whole time.
Thanks.
No, I often think of two men at the same time.
Sometimes more.
Hi, Mrs.
Belt.
- So - Yeah.
- Take it easy.
- Yeah.