The O.C. (2003) s01e13 Episode Script

- Previously on The O.
C: - You drink a lot? I guess.
I mean, what's a lot? Have you ever had so much to drink that you blacked out? How much is the Land Trust offering me for Balboa Heights? That's it? That's your whole dog-and-pony show? - What are you doing Saturday? - What are you doing Saturday? - I have a date with Summer.
- What are you doing Friday night? So, what's it gonna be, huh? You want your menorah or a candy cane? Christmas or Hanukkah? Don't worry about it, buddy, because in this house, you don't have to choose.
Allow me to introduce you to a little something I like to call Chrismukkah.
- Chrismukkah? That's right.
The new holiday sweeping the nation.
- Hey, fellas, we got the tree.
- Hey.
- Or at least the living room.
- Guys, a little help.
I saved a spot for you right there.
Put your muscle into it.
Excellent.
To the right a little.
Don't hurt it.
Those needles are brittle.
That's perfect.
You guys, you guys.
A-plus.
A-plus.
I love the holidays.
I love them all.
- We didn't really know how to raise Seth.
- So I raised myself.
In doing so, I created the greatest superholiday known to mankind drawing on the best that Christianity and Judaism have to offer.
And you call it Chrismukkah? Just hearing you say it makes me feel all festive.
Allow me to elaborate.
You see, for my father here, a poor, struggling Jew growing up in the Bronx Christmas meant Chinese food and a movie.
For my mom here, Waspy McWasp well, it meant a tree, stockings and all the trimmings.
- Isn't that right? - We're very proud.
- I'm not a Wasp.
- Sure.
Highlights include eight days of presents followed by one of many presents.
So, what do you think? - Sounds great for you guys.
- For you too.
Hey, dip a toe in the Chrismukkah pool.
There's room for all of us.
Isn't there an Atwood family tradition you'd like to incorporate into Seth's  Êber-holiday? - Yeah.
Atwood and holidays is not a good combination.
- What did you guys do? - No, seriously, thanks, but Come on, man, there's got to be something.
My holiday memories pretty much consist of my mom drunk and me getting my ass kicked.
Well, this year will be entirely different.
New memories.
It'll be great.
Yeah.
Well, I'll do whatever you want me to.
That's the spirit.
Come here.
- Oy humbug.
- It's a big holiday for anyone.
Yeah, I'm still wrapping my head around it.
Give him some time.
Why don't we trim the tree? You know what, you guys? Soon Ryan will learn the magic of Chrismukkah.
Worry not.
I will convert him.
I was gone five minutes.
How did this turn into Santa's workshop? I see someone took down the wreath I hung on the door.
It fell.
What are you wrapping? Two Seth Cohen starter packs.
We got Death Cab, Bright Eyes, The Shins Kavalier & Clay and Goonies.
It's not just for kids, Ryan, it's not.
I don't care what they tell you.
Summer and Anna are gonna love them both equally.
You're getting them the same thing? Yes, I am.
Sometimes I'm so crafty, I surprise myself.
No good can come of this, you know that.
Nope, I don't.
- You're gonna have to choose, man.
- Hey.
Not on Chrismukkah, I don't.
Okay? There's no choosing in Chrismukkah.
- Well, you didn't get me anything, right? - No.
Come on, man, lighten up.
Okay, fine.
Stay dark.
Dark works too.
- Oh, Ryan, what is your shoe size? - Why? - No reason.
- Might that be a Chrismukkah list? - No.
Why do you ask? - Okay.
- Let me just see it, then, real fast.
- It's work.
- I love your work.
It fascinates me.
- I thought you said no gifts.
- Well, we did.
As in, no gifts for us.
- All right.
All right.
Well, Chrismukkah's ruined.
Don't even say it.
It's unruinable.
It's got twice the resistance of any normal holiday.
Your father refused our settlement offer.
He wants a trial.
That's not what he said yesterday.
He said if you met his offer As of this morning, Scrooge wants to go to court which means I have to spend the holidays preparing for trial.
Because with Rachel out Chrismukkah is ruined.
Sooner or later we will get through a holiday around here.
Stop it right now, okay? Don't give up on the miracle that is Chrismukkah.
What is happening to you? You'll see.
You'll see too.
You'll all see.
You'll all see.
- You're starting to scare me.
- I'm okay with that.
Okey-dokey, here we go.
Which tie? What are you thinking? This one? All right? Or - The second one, definitely.
- All right.
- So you have a job interview today? - It's just a meet and greet.
But we gotta dress for success, right? Look, I'm working on it, kiddo.
I'll find a job.
I know there's a lot of extra pressure on the holidays.
There doesn't have to be pressure because there doesn't have to be any holidays.
Really.
- What do you mean? - We can skip Christmas.
It's not like it's not gonna happen again next year, and holidays just make people depressed.
Are you? Depressed? You were supposed to go to therapy after Mexico.
We never - I'm great.
I'm just saying.
- Okay.
Good.
Because we're not skipping Christmas.
Come on.
I'll find a job, we'll figure out a way to make this whole thing work and we're gonna have lots to celebrate about, okay? Come on.
Skipping Christmas.
- You sure about this tie? - Yeah, definitely.
- All right.
- You look great.
Skipping Christmas.
What are you, the Grinch? So Summer and Anna are both coming to this party? - But neither one's my date.
- They know that? Yeah, in theory they both know that.
Come on, man, relax.
It's a big party, okay? You might be all doom and gloom, but me? Check it out.
I'm snowflakes.
I'm latkes.
Chrismukkah is coming.
And when Chrismukkah ends? - I hate when Chrismukkah ends.
- Cohen.
Hi, Ryan.
I wanted to know what the deal was for tonight.
If you were driving, or should I pick you up? Hey, Seth.
So, what time are you thinking for tonight? - Hey, Summer.
- Hey, Anna.
You guys.
I was thinking that we should all probably meet there.
How about that? At whatever time you choose, by whatever means.
- Sounds great.
- Yeah.
Perfect.
You'd better pray for a Chrismukkah miracle.
I've got Jesus and Moses on my side, man.
Yeah, make sure all that goes all the way around the bottom.
Now, guys, the balls are the key to the whole tree.
They need to breathe.
Hey, Kirsten, what do you think? - It's really something.
- You don't like it? It's not that.
It's just that my mom used to put the Christmas tree in the foyer.
- It's just a tradition that we have.
- Yeah, Caleb told me.
But then I thought, "You know, the holidays are hard enough.
" Your father doesn't need to be reminded of the past.
Caleb needs to enjoy this Christmas.
And did Caleb tell you we need to borrow your office? We're doing the Santa thing for the kids, and we need a holding area for the elves.
What are you doing here? Your father said you're working from home.
- He did? He's just full of surprises.
I changed my mind.
If the Land Trust can come up with $200 million then surely they can come up with $300 million.
I thought this was over.
You can always get more blood from the stone.
But the stone is my husband.
Let's spend the holidays working.
- That sounds good.
You have fun.
- What are you talking about? I'm gonna do something that I haven't done in ever.
- I'm taking Christmas vacation.
- Don't be ridiculous, Kiki.
- You hate sitting around.
- Not as much as I hate fighting with you.
So you spend two weeks buried in legal documents.
I'm gonna be wrapping gifts.
- I hate Christmas.
- Well, Chrismukkah's not much better.
You don't wanna know.
Holidays make what's bad even worse.
I just wish my dad would drop the act.
I don't need it.
And I don't need Christmas.
Who do you have to spend it with? Christmas Eve with my dad, Christmas Day with my mom.
Plus, she's making me go to a stupid Newport Group party tonight.
- The Cohens are going too, so - So at least we'll be miserable together.
- Deal? - Deal.
So am I seeing you after school? I got some stuff to do, some shopping.
South Coast Plaza.
You're going to South Coast Plaza? Alone? I don't think you're ready for that.
You need a seasoned expert to protect you.
Well, you know someone? So no luck, huh? There's a 99-cent store down the street.
I guess I can't really afford this place anymore.
Why did we come? I know it sounds stupid, but I like it here.
Everything is so perfect.
You walk around feeling like your problems can be solved by the right nail polish or a new pair of shoes.
Miss, I'm gonna have to ask to see your purse.
- Hey, what are you doing? - I can't let you leave the premises.
If you don't hand over your purse, I'll have to call the police.
Look, back off, all right? - Ryan, it's okay.
- No, it's not.
Your purse.
Now.
What are you doing? What are you doing? Working from home? - I'm on vacation.
- Yes.
Clearly.
- I find reviewing accounts to be relaxing.
- I hope that's a recessive gene.
You should be so lucky.
Look, I haven't taken a vacation in a while, and I'm easing into it.
- I don't judge.
I only mock.
- That you get from your father.
Oh, my God, they're coming in? Oh, the I got you.
What are those? They came for Ryan from his mom and his brother.
You know what he said about the holidays? When he talks like that, I have no idea what to say.
Me neither.
You just have to be yourself.
Yeah, because that always works so well.
Being a family is hard under any circumstance.
Creating a new one? That's gotta feel weird sometimes.
Feeling weird is right in my wheelhouse.
What is it? Is Grandpa going crazy with the company credit card again? What is it this time? Hookers? A little blow, perhaps? Grandpa likes to dance with ye white lady? - What are you talking about? - I don't know.
What is it? It's Hopefully, it's nothing.
You should go get ready, because we have to be there soon.
I'll go put on my face.
Hi.
This is Kirsten Cohen from the Newport Group.
My father ordered a survey of the Balboa Heights and I've lost my copy.
I really need to see the document.
Is it possible for you to fax it over to me? - I cannot believe this.
Marissa? - Julie.
Look, I have to host the most important event of my career tonight.
At least your priorities are in order.
You know, it's amazing how these calamities keep happening on your watch.
Oh, so I'm to blame for this one too? - Where did she learn to steal? - Stop it.
I'm the one who stole, remember? I'm the one to blame, not Dad.
Look, we're lucky the store is not pressing charges.
Okay? Marissa and I were deciding what an appropriate punishment Oh, really? Well, way to rule with the iron fist, Stalin, but it's not up to her.
- No car, no allowance, no weekends.
- So I can stay home tonight? Starting tomorrow.
I won't have my party ruined by your little sticky fingers.
Look, sweetie, I know that this time of year makes everything bad seem worse.
But why did you do this? I thought it would be Look, I wasn't It was stupid.
I called the therapist on the way over.
- Mom.
- She's right, kiddo.
Therapy was part of the deal of you moving in.
Okay, look, I've been doing way better since Mexico.
Charity League, social chair.
I scheduled you an appointment tomorrow with Dr.
Milano.
He's great.
I'm sorry, but I can handle it.
This.
L I won't do it again, I promise.
Honey, I love you.
But I don't believe you.
You might actually find it helpful.
Yeah.
Whatever.
I need to get ready.
And, Mom, you have your big party to throw.
I'm sure you don't want to keep Caleb waiting.
Hey.
What's up, man? You're back.
So that's pretty cool, right? Your mom and brother got you something.
Yeah.
Except now I have a total of eight gifts to buy.
I only saved enough for one.
Ryan, that sort of reminds me of the story of Hanukkah, dude.
Check it out.
The lamp You know what? I think you get the gist.
- How was the mall? - Weird.
You've really painted a picture for me.
I feel like I was there.
Marissa picked up a few things without paying for them.
- What? As in - Shoplifting.
Yeah.
- Yeah, that's weird.
- It's the time of year.
And with everything that's going on with her family - Yeah, I'm sure it's gotta be hard for her.
- Yeah.
I just wish there was something I could do or say.
Oh, I got you something.
- No, no, no.
We had an agreement.
- But this is different, this is a requirement.
I know it's a bit minty, but, you know, we all have one, so we just thought No, that's cool.
Well, good.
Maybe it'll meet a kinder fate than your wreath did.
But, if not, we still wanted you to have it.
- Thanks.
- All right.
I'm gonna go make magic happen.
I feel like my hair's working for me tonight.
I'm late.
I know.
I know.
I'll hurry.
You're not gonna believe this but your father and I reached a settlement today.
He gouged me a little.
Well, you know, he gouged me a lot.
- He asked you for more money? - Just $250 million.
But we closed the deal.
- He claims that he did it because of you.
- Is that what he told you? It seems your vacation really hit him hard.
Because he says he wants to spend the holidays as a family.
You know, maybe Maybe he's changing.
Or maybe he is a truly fantastic liar.
What's wrong? I found something today.
And I don't know if I can give it to you, but I don't know if I can't.
- Okay, well - He's gonna know that I gave this to you.
And he's gonna have every right to fire me.
You have got to be kidding me.
This changes everything.
And I'm gonna have to learn how to relax, because I'm gonna have a lot of free time.
- I'm sorry, honey.
- Not as sorry as he's gonna be.
- You still wanna go to the party? - I wouldn't miss it for the world.
- Anna.
Hey.
- Mistletoe.
That's very festive of you.
I thought we were meeting there.
I was thinking maybe we could go together.
I would love to.
You know I would.
But don't you think that would violate our little Geneva Convention of dating we have? Because I told Summer I'd meet you both there.
Well, how is Summer ever gonna know? - Mistletoe.
What is she doing here? - What are you doing here? - I thought we had a deal, Cohen.
- Which you violated.
- As did you.
- She's got a point.
- You're on her side? - No.
There are no sides, you guys.
There's only rides.
With my parents.
We'll all go together.
- Fine.
- Fine.
So I have a gift for you.
I'll give it to you later.
I have a present for you too.
I'll also give it to you later.
I can't wait.
For either.
For both.
Seth, are you ready? Come on, let's go.
Hi, Summer.
Anna.
Ladies.
Oh, this is gonna be some party.
You know, maybe it's not such a bad idea.
What does that mean? It might be good to have someone to talk to.
- You're someone.
I can't talk to you? - You can talk to me, it's just What? I need the help of a trained professional because I stole a lipstick? - It's not about the lipstick.
- Then I guess I don't see what it's about.
- You should do what you want.
- I will.
If no one's making my parents go to therapy, then no one's making me.
You know, I'm the only normal one in this family.
Sorry.
I think I left my wrap upstairs.
Could you grab it for me? I need to get my purse.
Sure.
Mushroom crescent? Crab and brie phyllo? Come on, buddy.
Change it up a little bit.
Enjoy the party.
Come on, Seth.
I'm going this way.
I'm going this way.
Oh, you guys are? I'm gonna go look for Ryan.
Excuse me.
Kirsten, Sandy, welcome.
- Kiki.
- Hey.
Great to see you.
Did Sandman give you our good news? - He did.
- I need to follow up on some things with you, if you don't mind Come, Sanford, it's a party.
Look back on your Berkeley days.
Maybe you can smoke the tree.
Smoke the tree.
Funny.
I'm gonna nail him now.
- So, what do you think? - About? The party.
You haven't said anything.
Like it? I mean, I know how you feel about the tree but if you can get past that.
- It's great.
- And what did Caleb think? - I mean, has he said anything to you? - I haven't had a chance to talk to him.
I just want this to be a party that he'll never forget.
I think you have a shot.
- You okay? - Yeah.
Why? I don't know.
Today's been kind of intense and I know you don't really wanna be here.
I wanna be where you are, and you're here, so Marissa.
Oh, you wore the Chanel.
How pretty.
Ryan.
You haven't said hello to Caleb yet.
He was talking to other people, and I didn't want to interrupt.
- He's ready now, so - I'm not.
- Marissa.
- Mom.
- You are a guest at this party.
- You made me come.
- You're in enough trouble.
- Then I guess I've got nothing to lose.
- This is the way it's gonna be? - I don't know.
I'll ask my shrink.
You know what, I'm gonna go to the bathroom.
- I hate the holidays.
- Right there with you.
Caleb.
You have time to talk? - No.
- Come on, make some.
- What is this? - A geological survey of the Heights which you commissioned and somehow failed to turn over to my office.
- I've no time for this.
- I think you do.
Allow me to summarize what you know.
The Heights are seismologically unsound, the whole area is uninsurable.
- It's worthless.
- As is your theory.
There's no way you'd have gotten a building permit.
- And you knew that.
- What do you want, Sandy? I wanna buy back the Heights.
For a dollar.
You cannot be serious.
Merry Christmas.
So are you ready for your present? Yeah, I'm ready.
Hand me the keys.
I'll learn to drive stick eventually.
Very funny, Seth.
Always have to ruin the mood.
That's what I do.
Ready? The Adventures of Seth Cohen and Captain Oats.
Volume 1: "Confidence.
" - You made this? - No, I bought it on eBay.
I can't believe you did this.
This is amazing.
Hey, this Seth in the story seems really handsome and awesome.
- I guess I took some liberties.
- You dumbed him down a little bit.
- This is fantastic.
- Thanks.
- So how's Seth doing? - He's fine, I think.
It's hard to tell with him sometimes.
Why? Does he ever do things that sort of make you question yourself as a parent? Well, there was the model home and Tijuana and a thing with the Range Rover and an IMAX movie that I didn't quite buy.
But they're kids.
I mean, they do stuff.
They get in trouble, right? Our parents would've had a heart attack if they knew what we did.
Come on, we were good kids.
We were.
Weren't we? - We were good kids.
- Yeah.
And we have good kids.
Okay, hang on for a second.
What are we doing here? Because Anna went to get drinks.
She'll be back in, like, one second.
- Come here.
- Why? - Just come here.
- Okay.
Stay there.
I hear you like comic books, Cohen.
This is true.
Merry Christmas.
Good Lord, I think I'm gonna pass out.
- You're not going anywhere.
- Okay.
- Yes? - What's this? That's Anna's present.
She made it for me.
- She made it? - Yeah.
It's amazing.
I know, but your present's amazing too.
It's really amazing.
Hey, there you are.
Hey, Anna, Summer was just giving me her gift.
It's cool.
- You're Wonder Woman? - Yeah.
So? I mean, you look amazing.
Is that my story? My God, I made you a comic book.
What am I, 8? Way to go, Wonder Whore.
Hey, Wonder Woman's not a whore, okay? Stop.
- What are we doing? - I don't know, this is nuts.
Hold up, you guys, one second.
Let's not have one speed bump derail the whole train, okay? Let's not throw the baby out with the bath water.
- Let's make some more metaphors.
- Look I'm not into talking about, like, feelings or whatever but I like you.
Okay, and so does she.
- Lf we don't put an end to this soon - Someone's gonna get hurt.
You gotta choose, Cohen.
Did you miss me? - Come on, let's dance.
- You know how I feel about dancing.
You know how I don't care.
Come on, it's a party.
Yeah, an office party.
I thought you wanted to have fun.
Don't make me make you have fun.
I'm guessing that's not eggnog.
So what? Come on, if you don't wanna dance we could just get out of here.
- I didn't see you with a cocktail.
- Well, maybe I brought my own.
Want some? What's going on with you today? - What's the big deal? You drink.
- Not alone in the bathroom.
I'm just having fun.
When I met you, you were passed out in your driveway.
Then it was an alley in Mexico.
It's like It's like my mom all over again.
Shut up.
- We're getting out of here.
- No, I am.
- Enjoy the party.
- You can't drive.
Get your hands off of me.
I have enough people in my life telling me what to do.
See you.
- Come on, let me drive.
- Get away from me.
Hey.
Hey.
I'm fine.
And so, effective immediately, I'm transferring the title of the Heights to the Balboa Land Trust for the very reasonable price of $ 1.
And I couldn't have done it without the help of my son-in-law, Sandy Cohen.
Thanks, Cal.
But I can't take credit for this.
You did this all on your own.
To Caleb Nichol, the most generous man in Newport Beach.
Thanks.
Happy Hanukkah, Sandy.
- Great.
- What? You're driving.
- Yeah, because you're drunk.
- I'm not Fine.
- Where is it? - Come on, put it away.
- I'm trying.
- I'm still on probation.
I said, I'm trying.
Of course this is happening.
Oh, God.
Happy holidays.
License.
Registration.
You got a broken tail light, you know that? It just happened.
I'll get it fixed.
- You kids haven't been drinking? - No, sir.
- Everything all right here, miss? - Yeah, fine.
Thanks.
- Miss, would you? - We got a 459 at 1508 Cornwall Lane in West Cliff.
All cars in the area please respond immediately.
Copy that.
I've got a call I need to get to.
I'm gonna let you go with just a warning for that tail light.
You get that fixed.
- Drive straight home.
- Yes, sir.
Stop, okay? You're scaring me.
Good.
You're scaring me.
There's drinking, crying, cops.
Well, it must be Christmas.
I left this behind.
I am not doing it again.
Okay.
Okay.
Well, the ladies laid down the law.
It's over.
- What are you gonna do? - I have no idea.
I don't know.
No female's ever really offered me a choice.
I really only know how to handle rejection and ridicule.
I have a really good handle on ridicule.
How was your night? Marissa got drunk, and we got pulled over by the cops with an open bottle of vodka.
Hey, that Marissa's really making life interesting for you.
- Yeah.
We got in a fight.
- What about the cop? Got a radio call.
Let us off with a warning for a busted tail light.
- Now you see why I hate Christmas.
- Hang on a second, Ryan.
It seems to me that what we have here is a Chrismukkah miracle.
Thank you.
Think about it for a second.
The old Ryan, what would've happened? He would've got busted.
For sure.
But this time, you had Jesus working for you.
And you had Moses.
Working together.
The super team.
Fighting for you, to keep you safe and give you a second chance.
Touched by an angel.
That's nice.
It's got a good ring to it.
I believe my faith has been restored.
I should go get ready.
- Anna will be here soon.
- What are you going to tell her? I'm sure the words will come.
All right, I just think that considering everything Actually, wait, hang on.
Let me actually try another approach.
I think you're awesome, and you're hilarious, and you're caliente.
And I think, you know, you're extremely witty, and you're wise and I kind of can't believe I'm actually gonna say this.
But actually, I think we should be friends.
And I want you to have this.
I don't wanna be your friend.
I don't wanna be your friend.
You can never have too many copies of The Goonies.
That was corporate espionage.
I could've fired you.
Even sued you for breach of confidentiality.
Dad.
You were extorting the county, putting the company at huge risks.
One day this was gonna come out.
Then what? When you found that report, you could've shown me.
You could've shown me when it started.
I'm sorry, but I just didn't see any other way.
It was dishonest, calculating and ruthless.
Kiki we just might make a real-estate mogul out of you yet.
Well, that's something to look forward to.
Your mom's ornaments.
The tree looks nice.
There may be a gift under there for you.
Maybe.
Hey, where you going? We were thinking about getting a movie.
Marissa's going to see her therapist.
- She's going through a lot.
- Yeah, I thought I'd go with her.
Yeah, you could or not.
Marissa's gonna have to figure this out by herself, and you gotta let her.
You're here with us now.
You don't have to be the parent anymore.
- A movie, huh? - Yeah, but it's my pick.
The selection of a movie is something of an art.
I came here three times before I actually walked through that door.
I know you.
You go to Harbor, right? Marissa Cooper.
Hi.
You're the girl at school who organizes things.
Parties and stuff, right? Social chair is what that's called.
- You go to Harbor? - No.
No, I go to Pacific.
Oliver Trask.
For a social chair Well, I don't find you to be very social at all.
Gonna have to talk to somebody about a recall.
This is a psychiatrist's office.
It's kind of embarrassing.
Yeah.
Yeah, you're right.
This is totally embarrassing.
So let's address the obvious and move on.
What's wrong with you? What is wrong with you? Well, if I knew, I wouldn't be here.
You're not an alcoholic yet.
You've OD'd at least once.
Pills, I'd say.
Muscle relaxants, definitely.
Painkillers.
You didn't really want to hurt yourself.
Kurt Cobain, yeah, he wanted to hurt himself.
You know, coming here wasn't my idea.
Maybe not.
But you wouldn't be here if you didn't want to be.
You want to know why you are the way you are.
That's you.
I'm waiting on the next door.
See you next week.
How did it go with the girls? - Seth Cohen starter pack? - I think I'm past that now.
- Is that what I think it is? - Figured I'd hang it.
All right, man, another Chrismukkah convert.
Nice.
I never doubted it for a second.
Check it out, I already put the hook up just in case.
- Hey.
- All right, what'll it be? Fiddler on the Roof, It's a Wonderful Life or my selection, Sylvester Stallone's Over the Top.
- Isn't that the arm-wrestling movie? - Arm-wrestling classic.
- Hey, merry Chrismukkah, you guys.
- Thank you.