The Ricky Gervais Show (2010) s01e13 Episode Script

( theme music playing ) Announcer: For the past few years Ricky Gervais, Stephen Merchant and Karl Pilkington Have been meeting regularly For a series of pointless conversations.
This is one of them.
- Testing.
- Is that all right? ( dings ) Hello and welcome to The Ricky Gervais Show" With me, Ricky Gervais, Stephen Merchant - Hello.
- And the little round-headed buffoon That is Karl Pilkington.
Hi.
Questions for Karl, Just to sort of try and tap into his brain.
- See what's going on there.
- Yep.
The questionnaire that is often featured At the end of the T.
V.
program "inside the actors studio" "if heaven exists, what would you like to hear God say When you arrive at the pearly gates?" Is that how it works? - ( both groan ) - What do you mean? What's the question? Well, I don't know.
You hear so many other things That you have to go through at the gates.
I can't imagine him being on the door is what I'm saying.
( Ricky laughs ) If he owns the place, what's he doing there? - He could put anyone on it.
- Well, it's st.
Peter, isn't it, Who's normally minding the gates famously? - Right, so it's him asking me.
- Let's say it's st.
Peter.
Ricky: No no no, you go in through the Gate.
Peter goes, "oh, you're expected.
He's got an appointment.
" We're going through to God, go through a few doors, Go up, top floor, past the executive washroom Into his big office that overlooks the universe.
Karl: So what--? So you've gone in to see God.
It's an audience with God.
You've died.
You've gone to heaven.
- Mm.
- And what would you like God To say to you at that point? Um, probably just-- just say, "oh, you've done well and that in your life.
" You never did anybody any harm.
So welcome to the-- to heaven.
Any problems-- give us a shout.
Um, you know, here's a little layout of-- Like, you know, like a little map.
It's kind of like--" I love this.
This is a great answer.
My favorite one is "you never did anybody any harm.
" That's great.
That's a brilliant thing for God to say.
- Yeah.
- So anyway, he's given you a little map.
So he's given you a little map of the area.
It's big.
It'll say, "this is where you go for this.
This is where you go for that.
" I'd probably ask him about the ghost situation.
I'd say, "am I now a ghost then? Or is this just like another planet that I've come onto?" - Right.
- I don't know if he'd answer that.
I don't know if he'd be sort of a bit-- - A bit cagey.
- Yeah.
A little bit like, "well, I don't want to panic you and stuff.
" I'd say, "right.
Is it right that I can see past family and that? 'cause to be honest, I'd probably prefer to stay away.
" ( laughs ) He doesn't even want to-- - No, because the thing is-- - That's amazing.
I've done all that in this life.
So it's about moving on to another life And meeting different people, isn't it? - Yeah, okay.
- Otherwise what's the point? It's just like the same all over again, but everywhere is white.
I mean, I don't know if it is like that.
Do you think God would like this podcast? Um, well, I suppose It just kills half an hour, doesn't it? Well yeah, but time's not a problem for him, is it? Yeah, it is, 'cause he lives for ages so he needs loads of filler.
I bet he's, you know, doing stuff that is just like, "I'm not really into this, but it's something to do.
" Stephen: Sudoku and stuff.
( Stephen and Ricky laughing ) But I think there will be just as many problems up there as there is here Because at least people are leaving here, Whereas up there-- that's the thing That I'd be worried about the most, actually-- that it's really crowded.
'cause it's years and years of dead people, isn't it? - ( snickering ) - London does me head in.
Up there it's gonna be Well busier than that.
( dings ) What about teenagers? And do you feel that life was better in, say, the 1950s? I don't know.
I wasn't around.
But you understand wh- um As like in- you've seen "Happy Days"? I don't know.
People always say, don't they--? Old people always say, "oh, it was a better life in the '50s.
" It's like, yeah, it was for them.
'course it was for them.
They're old now.
Being old isn't great, is it? So you're just happy with your lot.
I suppose I was happiest in about 1984.
- What a specific year.
- Why? Why was that? It's just I was free and happy.
How old-- how old were you? I don't know.
Uh, let me see ( muttering ) - Stephen: He's just counting on his fingers.
- I was 12.
- Right, okay.
- And it was just good.
So the happiest days of your life Were between the age of 12 and 13.
Yeah, it was good.
I had the world ahead of me.
Ricky: Mm.
Little did you know your hair was gonna fall out And you were gonna whine every minute of the day.
Karl: I had me bike.
I liked messing about with me bike.
I had me mates.
I had a pet magpie.
So you were probably the teenager that you'd eventually hate.
Probably.
Were you a good lad, law abiding? I wasn't bad.
I just sort of, you know, just pottered about.
I mean, when people talk about what was on the telly back then, I don't have that much memory of it 'cause I was always out.
- I was always playing out.
- What were you doing when you were out? Just playing about, just like on a bike or-- Stephen: Just riding in a circle endlessly - Karl: Oh yeah.
- Through blizzards - I loved it-- loved it.
- Rain, sleet, hail.
I never seemed to be in.
I was always-- When everyone always goes, "where were you when band aid was happening?" I was always out on me bike.
And everything was like-- - Like Ewan McGregor.
I have memories of always coming in for some orange And looking at the telly and seeing princess Diana's getting married.
And me mom says, "have you seen this?" And I'm going "oh, I'm going out on me bike.
" I was always doing that.
It's the only time I was in the house.
This is why you don't know anything-- 'cause you never stopped.
Yeah, but this is what being a kid's about-- being free.
But all the information you have, Karl, Is as though you've gleaned it as you raced by on a bike.
It's almost like, you know, every piece of information you have-- Your hair-- your hair blowing in the wind.
"Karl, your hair will blow out one day.
" "oh, don't talk stupid, m.
" It was easy.
So yeah, 12 to 13 was good.
- But you see-.
- And it was all downhill from then, was it? then, aren't you? - Life got tough.
- Yeah? How did it get tough? Just straightaway when I was 13 Me mom was like, you know, "oh, it's your 13th birthday.
You're a teenager now.
" And she gave us a quid to go and get a cake to celebrate it.
Went to the supermarket, got a cake, And I just thought, "I don't like the look of this.
Don't like the look of the way the future is here.
" ( Stephen and Ricky laughing ) On his 13th birthday.
While you were out buying a cake, what did you see at the supermarket? Just it was kind of like, I don't know.
I suddenly felt grown-up and I didn't like it.
But I think you were always about Well, yeah.
Me mom always said I was old.
She said I was an old baby.
She said I could frown before I could walk.
Said I always had a bit of a worried look on me face.
Didn't say much, just always listened.
Me eyes moved about more than I did.
Just sat there looking around, Looking stressed.
( laughing ) "me eyes moved around more than I did.
" Oh, dear.
Couldn't walk.
"well, I can't walk, but I try and get a bit of movement in my face.
" It's a workout-- a baby workout.
All right, babies, if you can't walk, what about your face? Let your face do the walking.
It sounds like that horror film.
It sounds like "Pilkington's baby," Just you lying there in your cot.
I didn't like all the stuff that's set up for you.
Like me mom tried to send me to a nursery.
I said, "no, I'm not having this.
" ( Ricky laughing ) just like that-- "I'm not having this.
" I said, "when I'm older and I've got to go, I'll go.
But let's leave out this bit.
" and she said, "all right.
" I love the fact that he could reason with her.
I love him.
He's three years old with a pipe.
She's going, "you're going to the nursery.
" He goes, "I think not, mom.
" ( exhales ) I mean, kids don't play out, do they? Kids-- you know, parents are scared to let the kids play out And that's why the streets are dangerous now, 'cause no one's playing out on the streets.
Whereas when I was a kid everyone was out on the streets.
The streets were safer 'cause there was more people knocking about.
- Stephen: Right.
- Let the kids play out.
It must be like a constant-- like a lowry painting-- His front gardens.
You know what I mean? - Just loads of people just walking around.
- There was never any problems.
I was sort of taken away by some fella.
- What? - Whoa whoa whoa.
No, I was in-- I was playing about in the garden.
- Yeah.
- But me dad's mate Tony-- He did tiling with him-- he drove past.
And he saw me looking a bit fed up, So he just leaned over, picked me up, took me to the pub.
Now the thing is, there wasn't panic.
People weren't going, "oh God, where's Karl gone?" - He's out.
How old were you? - He's down at the pub.
- ( Ricky laughing ) - He's four years old, yeah.
Well, he's only having half.
He's down at the pub with Tony probably playing darts.
Yeah, I was about three or four.
Sorry, so some bloke drives by who happens to be a friend of your dad's, thinks, "that baby looks grumpy.
I'm taking him down to the pub"? But that-- that's what it was like.
"Tony, you bringing a baby to the pub?" "yeah, I might do.
" "yeah, we'll bring in ours.
All right, see you later, mate.
" But that's what I'm saying.
Whereas now they go, "the baby's gone! " there's a big full-on panic going on.
But I think it says more about your parents that they didn't do that.
They looked out in the back garden and you were gone.
Some bloke's driving off in a van.
They're just going, "oh, he drove down to the pub.
" "doesn't princess Dian look lovely?" - ( Ricky laughing ) - This is absurd.
So what happened when you got in the pub? I just was there for a bit, and then-- "there for a bit"? Just had a game of pool? Then me dad came in.
He was like, "oh, there you are.
" ( laughing ) "oh, there you are.
" I love that.
Oh, where's my baby? I'm just gonna have a quick pint.
Oh, there you are.
All right, mate.
So, uh, yeah.
Well, I think things are better again.
It's Karl's diary.
Oh, what's he written today? "Told Suzanne that I had read" That we will have spoken to aliens by the year 2025.
Ricky once told me that if a lion could speak English, It still couldn't have a good chat with us 'cause its life is different to ours.
If that's true, we've got no chance with an alien.
I'd be worried that an alien could read my mind.
I had that problem once years ago When I worked in a studio making cassettes.
Some mind-reading woman was having some cassettes made.
She waited while I did th.
She had a small dog.
I knew she was trying to read my mind, So I just thought about the dog.
I thought that would confuse her 'cause she wouldn't understand why I was thinking about her dog.
" That's amazing.
So, firstly, how'd you know she was a mind-reading woman? Everybody who came in having cassettes done-- You'd find out about what the job is.
So, you know, if it's a band, Or whatever it might be-- A police station needing blank cassettes to interview people.
- Yeah.
- And she had them To sort of use during a thing Where they do mind-reading and stuff.
- So you'd get a recording of it.
- A recording of the-- And she was just there and she was staring at me, Just looking over.
And her dog was sort of looking worried.
- And they pick up vibes, don't they? - No.
- They do.
Were they looking-- I'm not being funny-- Were they looking at the roundness of your head? , they were just looking at me.
And I was sort of panicking a bit.
And the more I was thinking she's reading me mind, I was thinking, she knows that I know that she's reading me mind, So I just stopped thinking about her reading me mind.
- Thought about the dog.
- Ricky: What were you thinking about the dog? Just running about on a beach.
( laughing ) he remembers what he was thinking.
No, just so she thought, "hang on a minute, It's not his mind.
It's the dog's mind I'm picking up.
" ( laughing ) Oh, so you thought she'd go, "oh no, hang on.
I'm getting all tangled up.
I've got a crossed line here.
" ( buzzes ) "I'm out with my mate Laurie.
" He said he was in a pub at the weekend and saw a bloke Whose hands were on the wrong arms.
" ( laughs ) no! No.
What do you mean? Well, "he had his left hand on his right arm and the right hand on the left arm.
" I don't think this would be a problem If he's been like that from an early age.
When I was in Ripley's in L.
A.
, I saw a bloke whose head was on back to front.
" That's more annoying, isn't it, than your hands? - ( laughing ) - Isn't it? Now then, would you walk-- how would you walk? Would you be walking backwards, Karl, so that you could walk-- So you're basically walking forwards? I'd walk sideways so nobody would tell the difference.
( laughing ) Oh God.
He's solved it again.
- He's thought it through.
- ( Sighs ) "got home and read the magazine.
There was a story about a baby that was born that looked like a frog.
" ( laughs ) what magazine's this? Uh, that made the news.
That was in a proper newspaper in the end.
"it didn't really have a neck or top half of its head.
It would look all right if it always wore a scarf and a hat.
The world would be a more interesting place If there were loads of different types of humans like there are creatures.
Then some people would be good at certain jobs.
Spider people, ant people-- builders.
Cockroach people-- dustbin men.
" ( Ricky laughing ) - Good idea, isn't it? - I mean-- Cockroach men, spider men? What are you talking about? Look at some insects, right? They don't have machinery.
Yet they're getting by, aren't they? They-- they have their lives like we do.
They get up.
They wander about.
They collect food.
They tidy up.
They fix stuff.
They me their own house.
We can't do any of that.
So what I'm saying is Why aren't we using them? Why are these cockroaches with all these powers and stuff - Powers.
- Keep going about? - "all these powers.
" - But how could we use them? How could we harness them? I just told you-- dustbin men or whatever-- Stephen: But no, you've said if they were also men.
If they were cockroach men, we could use them.
Where's the-- where's--? You've left a big bit out About when that Becomes a 6' bloke wearing a jacket.
It's just that we always use insects for a bit of fun.
You see flea circuses and all that, which is all very well, But I don't think it's getting the most out of them.
"woke up at 9:55 A.
M.
" Soon as I woke up, I looked at Suzanne and she looked at me.
I said, 'did I tell you about the immune system?'" ( laughing ) "Suzanne started laughing.
I said, 'it's amazing.
' She said, 'not now.
'" ( both laughing ) Oh God.
I'm just thinking that.
He's springing into action.
He zips up.
"did tell you about the immune system?" "oh, shut up, Karl.
Put the kettle on.
" Oh God.
Oh, fucking hell.
Karl, let's give 'em a list-- Top five something.
What are you interested in? Are you interested in news, sport, t.
V.
, cars, movies, style? I mean, I'm into weird stuff, But it seems a bit tight to stick 'em in a list.
What? Like what? Like, you know, sort of freaky people and that.
I've got that-- I've got that freak book.
But I don't know if they'd be happy If I call one of them up and said, "good news.
You're at number one 'cause you got four legs," or whatever.
I don't know-- do you know what I mean? Okay then, this is "the Karl Pilkington top 5 freaks.
" In at number five Um Probably, uh Something not too good at number five, But it's still interesting-- Lighthouse man.
Ricky: Who's that? What's lighthouse man? Karl: It's a fellow with a hole in his head.
( Ricky laughing ) And he-- what he does, Rather than moan about it-- sticks a candle in it.
Shut up.
What you talking about? What are you talking about? Where is the hole? I bet he didn't call himself lighthouse man, did he? Well, I don't know.
It's just what-- What he got nicknamed 'cause he had this hole.
Doctors were like, "there's nothing we can do.
Can't fill it.
So what can we do with it?" And it was of the days when there was no electric and that.
You had to walk about with a candle.
"so hang on a minute.
That's a candle holder here.
" Stuck a candle in it.
And he just got nicknamed the lighthouse man.
So again, not-- it's not that amazing, But I like the way he was sort of energy efficient.
So was it in his forehead? No, on the very top of his head.
That's perfect.
You don't want it in the forehead.
You'd have to walk about with your neck cricked.
So he was like a kind of human Jack o' lantern? - Yeah.
- He was a lighthouse man.
What better description do you need than "The Lighthouse Man"? So yeah, he's probably at number five.
Wow, that's at number five, Steve.
Stephen: Number four.
What about the pig-faced woman of Manchester Square? Again, you're getting what he says, don't you? On the tin there, aren't you? It's just this woman who had a face like a pig.
- And the rumor was - Yeah.
- That it wasn't a woman.
- ( Laughs ) Someone said it was a pet bear and they'd shaved it.
( laughing ) oh God.
Was this someone-- was this someone you saw or you just read about? No no, this is going back.
This is years and years ago When there was loads of weird-looking people.
I mean, the fact that it's the pig-faced woman of Manchester square Says there might have been one in - Stephen: Piccadilly circus? - Yeah, whatever.
So there was a lot more of them knocking about back then.
Let's assume that it was a woman, And the first one, you know, the lighthouse fellow, he's a human-- Do you think people would object Because of their disfigurement, deformity, Um, to like being called freaks? Do you think--? Well, it gave 'em a purpose back then.
See, if you were a freak years ago, There was work for you.
You'd have these circus things.
Now if you've got a funny head, you're on the dole.
Number three? What about elephant man? Stick him at number three.
- He's number three.
- He's surely the most famous freak Ever to have lived, isn't he? He's the one who got me into it.
Right, yeah, Se.
He's a sort of entry-level freak, a gateway k.
Everyone-- everyone is aware of him.
If the elephant man still existed, right, And you got the opportunity to meet him And he walked -- a couple of questions.
One-- what would your first reaction be? And two-- what you say-- what would your first question be? How would I react? Well, I've sort of seen him enough now that it wouldn't shock me.
- So I don't even think I'd flinch.
- Stephen: Okay.
I mean, like I said, when I first saw you, That-- that was-- that was a bit weird.
But now look, I can look at you.
I don't double-take or anything.
Uh, what would I say to him though? What--? I'd probably say, "where did you get that hat to fit you? You always have a hat on.
Where did you get that from?" ( both laughing ) That sort of flat cap that he's got? Yeah yeah, that one.
So yeah, I'd have him-- so he's at number three.
Right, the elephant man at number three.
I can't wait for two and one.
Right, okay, number two.
Well, I know what me number one is.
It's just number two now.
I don't know his name, but there's a fellow knocking about-- I don't think he's around anymore.
But he had a normal body.
Looking at him, you'd go, "what's up with him? He's not a freak.
" Takes his undies off-- got two knobs.
Ricky: Has he? Stephen: Right.
- ( Ricky laughing ) - Stephen: Wow, okay.
I mean, there's nowhere to start.
Do you think he uses them alternately, Like, "I'll have a wee out of this one, a wee out of that one"? Or does he just like spread the load - So he's weeing out of both? - I don't think he knows.
- What do you mean, he doesn't know? - Like a lucky dip.
When he goes to a urinal, he can have a little bet with himself.
He's just like, "I don't know what's gonna happen here.
" - Do you reckon he holds them both out? - Definitely.
So he takes his trousers down 'cause I mean, you know-- - Yeah, he can't use a y-front.
- Right.
Need more like a w-front.
Yeah, so he pops his kecks down there.
I don't think it's that much of a problem.
- It's not like-- - Well - ( Stephen laughs ) - I don't know.
I'd prefer that than elephant man's head.
- Well, of course you would.
- Well, At's what I'm saying.
What if you had elephant man's knob? Yeah, but it didn't work like that, did it? That's the thing.
They said he had the body of an elephant, But that's the only thing That wasn't of an elephant's standard.
- ( guffaws ) - His knob was normal.
Whereas with this fella, it's the other way round.
Everything normal, took the pants off, "oh wow, what's going on here?" But why would you ever take his pants off? Well, I wouldn't.
I'm just saying if-- I don't know why you'd be in a situation With this man with two knobs standing there with his pants on And you go, "pop your pants off.
" you're not a doctor.
No, say if I'm waiting in a cubicle and he's there.
- For what? - So you're in a cubicle and he comes in? I'm waiting to have a wee in that cubicle.
- Ricky: Oh, in the toilet.
- He's taking two urinals up.
I'm going, "you don't need them both, do you?" He goes, "well, actually, have a look at this.
" - Ricky: Right.
- He's got two knobs.
See, I didn't see him at two urinals.
I saw him at one, maybe them pointing inwards.
If you had that and, say, the first time that you met Suzanne, Would you mention that straight up? Would you say, "right, before this goes any further, I've got something to show you"? Tell me exactly what you would say.
You had a normal head then, didn't you? I had-- I had the same head, yeah.
Yeah, but it had hair coming out of it, didn't it? Yeah, but she also had a smaller ass back then as well.
So I think we've both been dumb.
Anyway, we need to get to number one.
Yeah, number one.
It's pillow man.
- Ricky: Oh yeah.
- Stephen: Pillow man, okay.
Now explain for those that don't know who he was.
He's-- he's a fella With no arms and legs.
Just a head and a little body, nicknamed "pillow man.
" Well, why is he your favorite? Just because he's amazing, Just the way he just got on with his life.
He used to light a cig just using his lips - And his tongue and that.
- Ricky: I've seen this.
And not fully lit.
He'd buy roll-your-own.
Yeah, it's in the film "Freaks," isn't it? - Yeah.
- And he would roll-- - He had to shave as well.
- Yeah, that's right, yeah.
- How did he have a shave? - He used to do it-- He used to get it in his mouth and-- I don't know.
- Jesus.
- It's amazing.
Did he have-- did he have a knob? I think he did, 'cause he had some kids.
- What? - Yeah, he had kids.
He was an all-right-looking fella.
- He wasn't odd-looking.
- Ricky: Sorry? He looked like Samuel l.
Jackson.
Imagine him with no arms and legs.
Right, that's odd though, isn't it? Um, it's weird, but you've gotta give it to him.
You know, I mean, he's there rolling his own-- he's pretty cool-looking.
I just wanna say to people-- you say it looks cool, You know, with no arms and no legs to smoke.
But don't forget that smoking can stunt your growth.
Yeah.
But, uh Yeah, remember he was on like this-- This circus freak show thing With a bearded woman, right? She isn't really a freak, 'cause she could have had a shave.
Have a shave-- you're not a freak anymore.
A bearded woman-- Compared to a fellow who's got no arms and legs, a bearded woman-- - Get out.
- ( Laughing ) But there was-- there was a fellow With no bottom half to his body Called-- Johnny Eck was his name.
( sighing ) So, you know, when you're knocking about with that crowd "get out.
" You're gonna get a bit.
So yeah, he had kids And they were all normal kids.
They had all their limbs.
And did his wife have arms and legs? - Never saw his wife.
- Never saw his wife? He was probably ashamed of her.
She was a bit of a freak.
For someone like him, you'd think he'd just give up, wouldn't you? You'd think, "forget it.
What sort of life is it?" - Yeah.
- I'm like a Mexican jumping Bean.
- ( laughing ) - It's not worth living.
But he just got on with it.
I mean, to have a shave-- I don't even bother having a shave some days.
No no, nor did the bearded lady.
Lazy fucking bitch.
So that's why I've put him at me number-one position.
It's just amazing, isn't it, the human-- You know, how whatever you're dealt, - Some people just get on with it.
- Yeah.
So yeah, the pillow man.
Or draft excluder, as I prefer to call him.
( laughs ) there you go.
Oh.
Now me and Steve are a couple of big shots.
We do this for a laugh.
But this is Karl Pilkington's only source of income.
This is what you do now, isn't it? This is me full-time job, yeah.
What do you think of that? - It depresses me.
- Why? - This isn't what I ever wanted.
- ( Laughing ) 'cause I haven't got a purpose, have I? I'm sat here talking about the pillow man.
If it weren't for him, I'd have nothing to say.
It just depresses me I just wish I had a job Where I felt like I was needed.
And I don't feel needed.
- It's not a proper job.
- Need you.
- We need you.
- We need you for money for old rope.
I know, but this isn't-- I wanted something that, You know, when you get-- when you die and that, You know, you get up to the gates, whatever, And they say, "what have you done?" And then I'm looking worried, Thinking, "is the pillow man about?"