The Simpsons s01e13 Episode Script

Now to our own pie in the sky-- Bill Pie in the KBBL trafficcopter.
-So come in, Bill.
- Bad news, drivers.
There's an overturned melon truck on the interstate.
Oh, it's a mess.
There's lots of rubber neck in gandmelon wrestling going on, so expect delays-- - Hey, doughnuts! - Bart, there's one left, and it's mine.
Oh! - Aw, Homer! - Aw, Dad! - Uh-oh, schoolbus! Cool your jets, man.
We're comin'.
You forgot the special lunches I made.
- That's okay, Mom! - We got money! - Now, just a darn-- - Aah! Mmm.
Oh.
- This is Bill Pie, your pie in the sky, saying good-bye.
-KBBL Well, Maggie, it's just you and me again.
This is KBBL, K-Babble, all talk, 24 hours a day.
If you'd like to share your embarrassing problem with our audience, we invite you to call our therapist of the airwaves, Dr.
Marvin Monroe.
Our number is 555-PAI N.
Don't be afraid.
Call now.
- Hello.
I'd like to talk to Dr.
Monroe.
- First name, age, problem? I'm Marge, 34, and my problem is my husband.
He doesn't listen to me.
He doesn't appreciate me.
I don't know how much more of this I can-- Save your whining for when you're on the air, okay? Okay, let's see.
Next we have Marge.
She's 34 and trapped in a loveless sham of a marriage.
Hey, turn it up.
I love hearing those wackos.
- Tell me 'bout your husband, Marge.
- Well-- When we were dating, he was sweeter and more romantic and 40 pounds thinner, and he had hair, and he ate with utensils.
What was that last thing you said? Ah.
Isn't that your wife, Homer? Don't be ridiculous.
My wife worships the ground I walk on.
Marge, it's what I call "harsh reality time.
" Your husband sees you as nothing.
- Oh.
Okay.
Well, thank you.
- No, no, no, don't hang up.
The pig has made you into his mother.
You are not the hot love object you deserve to be.
The pig has made you into his mother.
You are not the hot love object you deserve to be.
you've got to tell him you're fed up, and if he doesn't start loving, you will be leaving.
Leave Homer? - Don't use his real name! - Leave Pedro? - Can you be that honest? - Yeah.
- You'll tell him right when he comes home from work.
- Yeah! - Say it like you mean it.
- Yeah! Attagirl.
Come on, Bart.
Not again.
Where's your sense of humor? - Moe's Tavern.
- Hello.
Is Al there? - Al? - Yeah, Al.
Last name, Coholic.
Lemme check.
Phone call for Al, Al Coholic! Is there an Al Coholic here? Wait a minute.
Listen, you little yellow-bellied rat jackass.
If I ever find out who you are, I'll kill ya! I hope you do find that punk someday, Moe.
Fill 'er up.
Is everything okay? Usually you have a quick one, some peanuts, beef jerky, pickled eggs, and you're outta here.
Let's just say I don't feel like goin' home tonight.
jar, please.
Hey, you can level with me.
- You got a domestic situation? - You might say that.
My wife's gonna leave me 'cause she thinks I'm a pig.
- Homer.
- What? - Marge is right.
You are a pig.
You can ask anyone in this bar.
- What? Hey, Barney, am I a pig? You're no more of a pig than I am.
- Oh, no! - See? You're a pig.
Barney's a pig.
Lary's a pig.
We're all pigs.
Except for one difference.
Once in a while, we can crawl out of the slop, hose ourselves off and act like human beings.
Homer, buy your wife some flowers and take her out for a night on the town.
Candles, table cloth, the whole nine yards.
Gee, a romantic evening.
Nah, she's too smart to fall for that.
I'm not done.
After dinner, the two of you are going to check into the fanciest motel in town and not check out until the next morning, if you get my drift.
I read you loud and clear.
Heh, heh, heh, heh! Wow, a quarter past 6:00.
- What's keeping Dad? - Yeah, who'd possibly be late on meatloaf night? Uh, I'd like some flowers.
- What kind of flowers? - You know, pretty ones, not dead.
We have some beautiful long-stem roses.
- They're $55 a dozen.
- One, please.
- Hey, Mom.
- How 'bout some grub? Aaah! Your husband sees you as nothing, as nothing.
The pig has made you into his mother, his mother.
You are not the hot love object you deserve to be, deserve to be, deserve to be.
If he doesn't start loving, leave him, leave him, leave him, leave him.
Marge, I, uh-- love you.
No, that's not good.
Marge, honey, I love you.
Oh.
Um-- Marge, I love ya, baby.
Marge, sweetie,"hooney," honey-- Ah, this'll never work.
- I love you, Marjorie.
- Oh, Homer.
I love you too.
Mmmwha! A little predinner entertainment.
- Moe's Tavern.
- Is Oliver there? - Who? - Oliver Klozoff.
Hold on.
I'll check.
Oliver Klozoff! Call for Oliver Klozoff! And I made reservations at the Chez Paree.
But, Homer, it's so expensive.
It matters not, mon frere.
And after desserts, we'll adjourn to our second-floor room at the Offramp Inn.
Oh, Homer! I feel giddy! Wait.
What about a baby-sitter? - Oops.
- Not to worry.
Listen, ya lousy bum.
If I ever get a hold of you, I'll cut your belly open.
Goodness.
Must be a crossed wire.
- Rubber Baby Buggy Bumper Baby-sitting Service.
- This is Marge Simpson.
-I'd like a baby-sitter for the evening.
-Wait a minute.
The Simpsons.
Lady, you've gotta be kidding! - Rubber Baby Buggy Bumper Baby-sitting Service.
Hello.
This is Mr.
S-Sampson.
Did your wife just call a second ago? - No, I said Sampson, not Simpson.
- Thank God! Those Simpsons, what a bunch of savages! - Especially that big-ape father.
- Doh! Actually, the Simpsons are neighbors of ours, and we've found them to be a quite misunderstood and underrated family.
Mom, you look so glamorous.
Well, tonight is a very special night.
Your father is taking me out for dinner and dancing.
- Dad dances? - Like an angel.
Ba, ba Ba-ba, ba-ba, ba-ba ba-ba, ba, ba Ba, ba, ba, ba-ba - Ba-ba, ba-ba, ba, ba ba, ba, ba-ba - Work that body, Homer.
- You know, one day you'll learn to move like your old man.
- Not if l can help it.
Son, there's not a woman alive who can resist a man who knows how to mambo.
- You don't have a clue, do you, Dad? - Out, boy.
- Out! - What a grump.
Hm.
Hm.
Hmm! Hm, hm.
Hmm? Hee.
Smooth as a baby's behind! Ba, ba, ba-ba, ba-ba ba-ba, ba-ba, ba, ba Precious, I think I hear the doorbell.
I think you're right, dumplin'.
Bart! Get the door! Aye, aye, mambo man.
Oof! - Ba, ba, ba-ba, ba-ba ba-ba, ba, ba - You must be the baby-sitter.
- Yes.
I am Miss Botz.
-just don't stand there, boy.
- Help Miss Botz with her suitcases.
- I can handle my own luggage.
Thank you for coming on such short notice.
Here are the phone numbers of the restaurant where we'll be dining and the motel where we'll be spending the night.
You'll have to put Maggie to bed now, but Bart and Lisa can stay up for another hour.
Until then, they can watch a tape from our video library.
Oh, boy! The Happy Little Elves Meet the Curious Bear Cub.
Oh, the Elves! The Elves! Bye, kids! Watch out for the boy.
Mmmwha! Bye, now.
Mmmwha! Be good.
- Mmmwha! Gotta go.
-Ba, ba Ba, ba, ba-ba, ba-ba ba-ba, ba, ba Come, children.
Let's go watch The Happy Little Elves.
We've seen the Crappy Little Elves about 14 billion times.
- Maybe we can watch some real TV.
- We're gonna watch the tape.
Aw! That's merely suggested viewing matter, lady.
Mom lets us watch what ever we want.
I said you're gonna watch this tape.
And you're gonna do what I say, or I'm gonna do something to you.
And I don't know what that is, because everybody has always done what I say.
They all look so tasty, but I think I'll eat this one right there.
- Why don't you pick one that's a little more frisky, sir.
- Why? Well, when you choose one that's floating upside down, it somewhat defeats the purpose of selecting a live lobster.
Oh, okay.
Then I'll take that one there with the beady eyes.
Excellent choice, sir.
May I lead you to your table? Oui, oui.
After you.
And I'll be seeing you later.
Help! Help! Faster, faster! We gotta save Bubbles.
Oh, man, I can't take it anymore.
- But I want to see what happens! - You know what happens.
They find Captain Kook's treasure.
All the elves dance around like idiots.
I puke.
The end.
Bart, you're just like Chilly, the elf who cannot love.
Now for some real TV.
All right! America's Most Armed and Dangerous.
Oh, no! Bart! We'll have nightmares! Relax.
This is cinema verite.
When the brutal, slow-motion killing starts, I'll tell you to shut your eyes.
The Cue Ball Killer should be considered extremely armed and dangerous.
If you think you've seen him, call 1 -800-U-SQUEAL.
Homer, you look just like a little boy.
- 'Cause I'm so care free? - No, because you're wearing a bib.
- More champagne? - Mmm.
Whoops.
Time for a fill-up.
Garcon! Another bottle of your second-least-expensive champagne.
The defenseless youngsters were tied up and gagged in the living room while the bandit roamed through the house at will, stealing the valuable objects it took the family a lifetime to shop for.
You know, Marge, this is just like when we were dating.
Except for one thing-- no chaperone.
Ho, ho, hoo! The Baby-sitter Bandit has left a trail of her daring nighttime robberies across the continental United States.
She could be lurking anywhere, about to descend upon another house full of unsuspecting dupes.
- Eee! - Wow! In a moment, we will show you a picture of the real Baby-sitter Bandit, Miss Lucille Botzcowski.
- Remember, she may be using a clever alias - Botz! And should be considered armed and dangerous! - Aaah! - Aaah! -Aaah! -Aaah! Run for it! Oh, no! Don't forget to tell me when you see the Offramp.
Oh, thereit-- went.
No problemo.
We'll just get off at the next exit.
Bart.
Bart.
Bart.
Bart.
Hmm.
Time to brush your teeth, wash your face and say your prayers.
Are you in here? Oh! Homemade pickled beets.
Go ahead.
Take 'em all.
Seeing as no one was hurt, I think it would be really silly to dwell on this.
Come on! Come on! Finally! Hello, vigilant viewer.
You have reached America's Most Armed and Dangerous.
I'm calling to report the Baby-sitter Bandit! She's in our house right-- Come on, Marge.
Let me carry you over the threshold.
Okay, but watch out.
Don't slam my head like last time.
Sheesh! Eleven years ago, and you've never forgotten it! - Don't muss my hair! - Ohh! Oh! Oh! Yi! Oh! Yeow! Yi! Oh! Yeow! Whee! This is fun! We know who you are, Miss Botz.
Or should I say Miss Botzcowski? - You're the Baby-sitter Bandit.
- You're a smart, young man, Bart.
- I hope you're smart enough to keep your mouth shut.
- He isn't.
You're crazy if you think you're gonna get away with this.
You can't-- I'm really not a bad person.
Here.
While I finish up, you guys can watch the rest of your favorite videocassette.
Quiet, Bart! Let's make the best of this.
Maybe I'll go slip into something a little more comfortable.
Oh! Your blue thing with the things? - You'll see.
- Well, shake a leg, mama.
Kidstuff! Hardly worth it.
Lotta junk.
Soileds.
Stupid Sampsons.
Maggie! Maggie! Come here! - Good-bye! - Good-bye, everybody! - Bye! - Yea! Maggie, wanna watch The Happy Little Elves again? Okay, but you have to untie me first.
Oh, Homer! Oh, ho, ho, ho.
Oh, so you got out of your crib.
I guess you need to be tied up too.
Maggie, where are you? Maggie! Maggie! Heh, heh, heh.
Homer, would it spoil the mood if I called home, you know, just to check on the kids? Homer, wake up! There's no answer at home.
- So? -So I'm worried.
I think we should go home.
All right.
I suppose my work here is done.
Heh, heh, heh, heh! Hello, vigilant viewer.
How may we help you? We caught her! We caught the Baby-sitter Bandit! She's tied up at our house.
- Ask if there's a reward.
- Is there a reward? - If she's convicted, we get T-shirts! - Yeah! - How come all the lights are on? - I don't like the looks of this.
Miss Botz! Good Lord! What have those little hellions done now? We're so sorry.
We're so sorry! Please turn off the TV.
I can't tell you how chagrined we are about all of this.
Oh, these things are heavy.
Just so there's no hard feelings, here's double your pay.
- No, no, triple.
- Thank you.
- Mr.
Sampson, can I give you a bit of advice? - Sure.
Don't turn your back on that boy for a second.
Ain't that the truth? You know, one time he-- - Huh? This way to the scene of the crime, men! I got her tied up in the den.
Just a minute, young man! I don't know what kind of shenanigans you've been pulling this time, but I just had to untie your baby-sitter and pay her off so that-- Excuse me.
Are you saying to the world that you just aided and abetted the escape of the notorious Baby-sitter Bandit? - The what? - The Baby-sitter Bandit.
Oh, uh, a-are you sure this microphone works? Uh, well, I wouldn't say I aided her.
This is on, right? Because actually it was quite a struggle.
Oh, Homer! Have you ever seen a kung fu movie? It was just like that.
But now I know her moves.
So, if you're listening to me, lady, you'd better think long and hard before tying something like this on Homer Simpson again! Lord, help me.
I'm just not that bright.
Oh, Homer, don't say that.
The way I see it, if you raise three children who can knock out and hogtie a perfect stranger, you must be doing something right.
Yeah.
Yeah! Mmmmwha! Honey, can we make up again? Oh, my goodness! Shh!