The Unicorn (2019) s01e13 Episode Script

1 WADE: I want the tire swing to hang in the pine.
Not the oak, the pine, okay? Whoa, Brian, Brian, we're-we're good.
- That's good.
Uh - (PHONE RINGING) - Hey, Forrest, what's going on? - Hey, Wade, - you got a second? - Yeah, but only one.
I've got a lot going on today.
Oh, the wax leaf privets go along the walkway.
Can Addie come and hang at your place tonight? Me and Delia have a thing.
Uh, yeah, yeah, she can come over after school, and you guys can pick her up whenever.
Great.
Thanks, man.
You're the best.
You bet.
Hey, uh, Eric, we need more marble chips in that pathway.
- Over by the, by the, by the fence.
- (PHONE RINGING) Uh, hey, Delia.
- Hi, Wade.
Did Forrest call you? - Uh, yes, he did.
We, uh, we have Addie covered.
Oh, great.
And I need to update her food sensitivities list.
She had a bad experience with a fig.
- Uh, we-we have no figs.
- Also, don't hate me, but no video games tonight.
Addie had real bad nightmares last time.
What, Mario Kart gave her nightmares? Well, you know, it's like gorillas driving cars really, really fast.
Vehicular safety is a real trigger for her.
Okay, no games, no figs.
- Talk to you later.
- Okay.
Bye-bye.
- (PHONE RINGS) - Uh, hey, Forrest.
Wade, Delia told you about Mario Kart? Yes, Addie likes safety.
Well, it isn't so much the safety as it is the gorillas.
Got you.
No gorillas tonight.
Got it.
- I gotta go.
Bye.
- Bye.
Oh, hey, uh, Norwood, be careful.
There's an irrigation line right there.
- (PHONE RINGS) - Oh, my God.
- DELIA: Hey, Wade.
- Delia.
I've really got a lot going on right now.
Oh! DELIA: Did I mention the figs, or am I going crazy? WADE (GROANING): Norwood? - (CURTAIN SLIDES OPEN) - Okay, Mr.
Felton.
Doctor said your X-rays look good, - it's just a bad sprain.
- Oh! - Great.
- You're lucky.
Guy came in here yesterday who had the same kind of fall.
Broke his back.
Oh, that-that sounds like a long recovery.
Oh, he's not recovering.
I just need to update your patient information.
Are you still on Black Pond Road? Uh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Any new medications, major illnesses or surgeries? No, no, everything is still the same.
Emergency contact still Jill Felton? Oh, uh, well, uh, I guess some things have changed.
No, that-that was my wife, and she-she passed.
- Oh, I'm so sorry.
- Ah, it's-it's okay.
- Can-can I, uh, can I see that? - Yeah.
Here.
Oh, hey, look at that, uh, AOL address.
That's old.
And the, uh, pager number.
Don't have that.
Oh, wait a minute, I-I have two daughters now.
Should-should I just get you a new form? Uh, probably.
- Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow.
- You're supposed to elevate it.
I'll elevate it.
You don't touch it.
Oh, I ordered you Nomo's for dinner, too.
- Oh, man, you didn't have to do that.
- I actually did.
Michele said, and I quote, "Make sure that fool stays off his feet!" - (CHUCKLES) - Yeah, you know how it is.
You're a lifesaver.
You need anything else, you call me.
Yeah.
Dad, Dad, Addie is such a know-it-all.
She won't stop talking about the different branches of government.
Don't you have a test on that tomorrow? Why are you taking her side? - Are you complaining about Addie again? - Ugh.
She's so annoying.
You just gotta stop being so dramatic.
Addie is way, way, way, way, way, way, way more dramatic than me.
Could you just tell her how irritating it is? You're 12 years old.
You can figure it out.
ADDIE: Guess what.
If you stand in the back corner of your room, you can hear our neighbor's TV perfectly.
Acoustics.
Am I right? - Your ears are so amazing.
- Thank you.
Uh, can you girls, uh Do you mind - feeding the dogs for me? - Yeah.
Joyce, come on.
Did you know dogs aren't really color-blind? (QUIETLY): Oh, my God.
Wade.
Oh, my God.
I came as soon as I heard.
Oh, look at you.
How are you Oh, you gotta get this thing - elevated, man.
- No, it's fine.
- No, it's not fine.
- Please, no, don't touch it.
- Don't touch - My wife's a doctor.
- Oh, it's fine.
- There you go.
All right.
You gotta get it above your heart.
So, look, if you're good, I'll just take Addie - and get out of your hair.
- Uh, hey, before - you do that, can I ask you a question? - Yeah, absolutely.
Um, who prepared your will for you? Oh, wow.
Yeah, I was at the doctor's office, and I realized that, um, there's a lot of things that I needed to update.
Well, we-we used Delia's cousin Rory in Syracuse, but, uh, he's not really in the legal game anymore.
You know, he's more into the dinner theater scene.
So if you're looking for a pirate with a killer baritone, he's your guy.
Yeah, yeah, he's probably not my guy.
No, he's not.
He's awful.
Oh, hey, what am I saying? Cynthia, from my widows' group, she's a lawyer.
- Great.
- I'll just give her a call.
All right, cool.
All right, man.
- Ow, ow.
- Come on, sweetie, let's go! - Dad.
- Yeah? Can we play "mountain ranges" in the car? Well, we're only going three blocks.
You got to be fast.
- Himalayas.
- (FORREST LAUGHS) Appalachians.
- ADDIE: Um, Rockies.
- FORREST: Blue Ridge.
- Right? - ADDIE: Good one, Dad.
- FORREST: I know.
- ADDIE: Adirondacks.
- Yeah.
- FORREST: Uh, Swiss Alps.
- You're late? - I'm late.
How late? Late enough for you to get your butt in the car and go to the drugstore and get a pregnancy test.
- Okay.
- No, no, no, no, no.
Go, go, go, go, go, go.
W-W-Wait.
Wait, wait.
I think I have a coupon.
- Why would you clip a coupon for this? - I don't know.
I clip coupons for everything.
Uh, here's a dog food coupon.
We don't have a dog.
Baby, look.
I'm gonna go get this test.
Whatever happens, we'll make it work.
Yeah.
Five kids? Piece of cake.
Hey, someone threw up over here.
Is it a kid or a cat? Hard to tell.
Here, get some carpet cleaner.
- Wow, you really do clip a lot of coupons.
- Go, go, go, go, go.
Go.
(SIGHS) Yeah, I-I know I should have taken care of this earlier.
It's just that there were so many other things going on, I guess I just didn't think about it.
Believe me, I get it.
So, I called Caroline the other night to go out for a drink, and she said she was hanging out with you.
Uh, yeah, yeah.
We-we hung out.
Where'd you go? (CHUCKLES) Nowhere.
Stayed in, did you? Yeah, sure.
I-I guess yeah.
Did you do it with Caroline? Man, you're a good lawyer.
No further questions.
Hey, uh, don't-don't tell anybody else in the group.
- Okay? I-I haven't even told my friends yet.
- Why would you? Well, they are very invested in my sex life.
Oh, I get it.
Married and bored.
So was this a one-time thing, or you going back for seconds? - Can we get back to my will, please? - Right.
Well, most of these terms are pretty standard.
In the event of your demise, custody of the girls goes to - your sister-in-law.
Still good? - Oh Uh, wow.
Yeah, th-that was our plan when the girls were small, but, uh, Allison lives in Florida, and the girls are older now, and their whole lives are here.
Yeah, I-I couldn't really make them leave their school and all their friends.
- Do you have any local family? - No, no.
But my friends are a lot like family.
Uh, we have kids the same age and do everything together.
We barbecue, we go to soccer Got it, you're close.
Which friends are we going with? Oh.
(LAUGHS) That's a great question.
Yeah, you don't know my friends.
I-I can't.
That would be like playing favorites.
That's exactly what it is.
Why don't you sleep on it? I heard you're good at sleeping on things.
I didn't sleep on Caroline.
Okay, tiger.
So, what do you want to do if you're brain-dead? - You see anything? - Nope.
Go pee on it again.
That's not how it works.
Oh, my God.
We got a blue no! We got a blue no! We got a blue no! BOTH: We got a blue no! Oh, my God, I'm not pregnant! Hallelujah, praise the Lord! Ben, Ben! - Hmm? - Pop the champagne.
Yes, yes, right now! Ooh, blue no.
- A blue no.
- Mm.
Shockingly, we have no champagne.
Ginger ale? - It's got bubbles, that'll do.
- Yes.
Two ginger ales coming up.
For my queen.
Mm.
For my beautiful incandescent non-pregnant wife.
And to my husband.
- Yes.
That's right.
- Who is finally - getting a vasectomy! - Yeah, I ain't toasting that.
Hey, Wade, you want a cappy? That's what I'm calling cappuccinos now 'cause it saves a lot of time.
No, I'm-I'm good.
Uh, look, I I've been thinking about something.
It's, uh, it's about the girls.
Oh BOTH: Good.
'Cause we want to talk about that, too.
Oh, you-you know about this? - Oh, sure, Addie told us - Yeah.
as soon as she got home.
You know, it seems Natalie was really excluding her last night.
FORREST: Yeah, yeah, and there was a, a really hurtful crack about how good Addie's hearing is.
- That's what you want to talk about? - Yeah.
I mean, the good news is we caught it early, so - Mm-hmm.
- Oh! You know what we should do? - Mm? - We should sit the girls down, give them a letter, and tell them to list five things they like about each other that starts with that letter.
It's great.
This is great - Delia and I do this all the time.
- Oh, yeah.
Watch, for instance, Delia? (CLEARS THROAT) Uh, "L".
Uh, you are loving, you are loyal.
- You are lean.
- Thank you.
- You light up my life.
- Aw.
You leave me speechless.
FORREST: Now you give me one.
- Um, "T".
- "T", ah You like tea.
You are terribly beautiful Yeah, I thought I made my decision, but I don't know.
They're, they're way too everything.
I mean, how can they deal with three kids when they can barely handle one? Yeah, no, they sound like total snowplows.
And you're kind of free-range.
Wait, what? You have different parenting styles.
She clears the path for her kids like a snowplow, you let your kids learn on their own, like chickens.
Okay, luckily for me, I've got another great option.
Um, I'll talk to you later.
Great, you're lucky I'm doing this pro bono whereas Caroline did you Please don't.
- Pro-boner.
- Ah, you did it.
Hey, Michelle.
- Hey, Wade.
- Uh, do you guys have a minute? Oh, sure we do.
Right after you tell my husband to get a vasectomy.
Michelle! Oh, I-I-I can come back.
No, we just had a pregnancy scare, and this fool doesn't want to get a vasectomy for some reason.
BEN: A good reason.
I don't want a scalpel cutting into my boys.
No man does.
Tell her, Wade.
Well, it is a safe and effective way to prevent Whoa! So you don't mind a scalpel twirling around with your guys down there? Well, I mean, not twirling; you know, maybe just - a precise incision - We agreed.
Four kids was our limit.
We're full up.
And a vasectomy will make sure we don't have any more.
Aren't there any other options we can try? Sure, how about not having sex? (LAUGHS) Sorry, Wade.
Anyway, what did you come over to talk about? - Well, I-I wanted to talk to you - NOAH: Dad? The cat threw up again.
And then Kai saw it, so then Kai threw up on the cat.
Anyway the cat's on your bed.
Uh, looks like you got your hands full.
Uh, I'm gonna go.
- All right, you good? - Yeah.
I'm here for you, Wade.
What happened now? (LAUGHTER NEARBY) NATALIE: Oh, my God, that's so disgusting! How could you not know that a worm was living in your nose? Hey, girls.
- You having a good time? - NATALIE: Oh, yeah.
Addie found this amazing YouTube channel.
- It's all parasites.
- Oh.
ADDIE: All I can say is do not pee in the Amazon River.
Ah, good to know.
- (PHONE CHIMES) - Whoop, homework time.
I'll get my bookbag.
Shall I grab your bookbag, Nats? - Would you, A-Dog? - Okay.
I thought Addie was "so annoying".
What? Why would you say that? A-Dog is my best friend.
Got it.
(BIRDS CHIRPING) So, uh, here's the thing.
I-I've been revising my will and, uh, well, the girls are best friends, and-and we're best friends.
- Yeah.
- And I was wondering if I could put you two down to take care of Grace and Natalie if anything were to happen to me.
We would be so honored, Wade.
- Yes.
- Yes, thank you.
Thank you for trusting us.
Oh, guys, this is oh, I'm so happy this is settled.
- Oh! - Oh, God, Addie would have two sisters.
- They could borrow each others' clothes.
- Oh, stop it.
- What? - Oh, we could, all five of us - go to Disney World together.
- Oh, my God.
Stop it.
Will you stop? Five? Five sets of Mickey ears bopping down Main Street.
- (EXCLAIMS) - So happy! - So fun! - (LAUGHS) - Oh, that-that sounds like so much fun.
- Yeah.
But in-in that scenario, I-I would be dead.
Yeah.
FORREST: Yeah, yeah.
- DELIA: He would be.
- Yeah.
We would be so devastated if that were to happen, Wade.
- Yeah.
- We would get through it - as a family.
- Yeah.
And we could, uh, we would even scatter your ashes on, uh, Space Mountain or something.
(DELIA LAUGHS) I All jokes aside, though, it would be very sad.
Yeah, it would be so sad.
Look, Michelle is serious this time.
She's holding out until I get the vasectomy.
Yeah, so, I guess I just need to hear from somebody who's had one.
Yeah, well, listen, if I can handle it, you can handle it.
Right, but I will be honest and tell you it's no picnic.
How so? Um Mostly, it was just the pain.
You know, the, uh, the searing pain.
Maybe like a stabbing.
What's stabbing, but not, like, repeatedly.
It's like a stab And that-that's one long stab.
That's the pain.
But you'll be fine.
That's just me I have a very sensitive downtown area.
And I don't? Well, I-I'm just saying.
Look, think about it.
Think about the peace of mind.
The sexual freedom it's worth it.
It's so, so very worth it, believe me.
- And I already have four kids.
- Yeah.
You've been to my house, man it's hell on wheels.
But I love it.
- Man, I love it.
- Yeah.
(SIGHS) I don't know, I'm I'm still trying to wrap my head around the idea of maybe having three.
What are you talking about? Oh, um, it'll-it'll never happen.
But Wade asked Delia and I to be his kids' guardians in his will.
Huh.
He did? Yeah.
Yeah, well, I mean, he had to ask somebody, you know? Right.
Yeah.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
I can see that.
Uh, yeah.
Great choice, you know? It's a, uh can't argue with that choice.
- It's a good call.
- Mm.
(SIGHS) Baby, can I ask you something? MICHELLE: You can ask me, but until you get snipped, the answer is no.
Not that.
Is it weird that Wade asked Forrest and Delia to be his girls' guardians instead of us? He did what? I get it, though.
They only have one kid.
More room.
Thanks, baby.
(SCOFFS) So what if they have more room? We are the most experienced parents he knows.
I guess he just trusts them more.
Which he absolutely should not, but it's fine.
It's fine.
I'm not saying it's not fine.
Stop moving your feet! I couldn't be more at peace with the whole thing.
You know, this really pisses me off.
But it's not like we need two more kids.
- That's why we're here.
- Exactly.
But Wade should want us to take his kids.
In fact, he should be begging us to take his kids.
And we would have graciously accepted.
Yes.
Because we're bighearted people.
Whatever.
We're taking the high road.
Good for Forrest and Delia.
(GROANS) Mmm.
You want to split half this tangerine with me? It's so sweet.
If you think a half a tangerine is gonna make up for you stealing those babies, you're crazy.
- What are you talking about? - Oh, don't act like - you don't know.
- I honestly don't.
It-It's a very good tangerine.
Hey, hey, hey.
Wait, what's going on? - I don't know.
- BEN: What do you expect, Wade? I mean, you asked Forrest and Delia to be the girls' guardians instead of us.
- Oh.
- DELIA: Why wouldn't he? - We're excellent parents.
- Yeah, to one kid.
- Baby.
- DELIA: Yeah Oh, wow.
Okay, well, so you know, I have read dozens of parenting books, and I have never skipped over the sibling chapters.
Guys, you do realize that this is only an issue if I die.
Yeah, man, but you didn't even think of us.
Well, y-yes, I did.
I-I came by to ask you, but you guys were saying that you don't want any more kids.
I don't want any more, either.
You guys should have stopped at me.
Noah, grown folks' conversation.
Go.
Wait, so you asked Ben and Michelle before us? Again, Delia, dead Wade.
I'm dead in that scenario.
Yeah, but we'd be such good parents to Grace and Natalie.
Y-Yes, you would be excellent parents for Grace and Natalie.
Of course you would.
It's just that our parenting styles are a little bit different.
- Oh, really? - Yes, they are.
You're a little more snowplow, and I like free-range.
Snowplow? I am barely a helicopter.
- Oh, my God.
- Is this some kind of code? NOAH: Whatever happens, I'm not giving up top bunk.
Don't make me tell you again! Ooh, is that what you want? That tone right there? - Is that what you want for your kids? - Okay, yes, she can be a little yelly, but it's fine.
I'm yelly? How am I yelly? At least he didn't call you a snowplow.
You know what? This was a very tough decision for me.
I was hoping that you would all be a little more supportive.
- Mm-hmm.
- But you're not.
So guess what? I am sticking with Allison.
My daughters are going to Pensacola if I die.
- Which I won't.
- Oh (SHOUTS) Ow! Oh.
Ah.
Oh - GRACE: Hey, Dad? - Yeah Natalie said everyone was shouting at each other at soccer? Oh, yeah.
Yeah, it got a little out of control.
What was it about? Well, honestly, I've been working on my will.
Don't-don't freak out.
There's nothing's wrong with me.
It's just the responsible thing for parents to do.
And I had to pick a guardian for you girls.
And nobody wanted us? They all wanted you, Natalie.
That was the problem.
So, they were fighting over us? - That's kind of cool.
- No.
No.
It was not cool.
It was very stressful.
It's-it's an impossible decision.
- No, it's not.
- Oh, no? Okay, all right.
Well, then, who would you pick? Easy.
Forrest and Michelle.
WADE: Well, girls, I don't think you quite understand how this works.
You have to pick two people who live in the same house.
But Michelle is so strong.
And Forrest is such a good listener.
Yeah, but Ben is always there for you no matter what.
And Delia? Delia's so smart, she's like Wikipedia but pretty.
And she's a doctor.
- We would never get sick.
- Yeah, but Michelle, she's such a good cook.
You know, she makes - a 15-layer mac and cheese.
- Ugh, it's so good.
But Forrest could take us shopping.
We'd have the best outfits.
- He's, like, our personal stylist? - Yeah.
It's all of you.
- All of us? - That's right.
I don't, I don't think you understand how this works.
Yeah, I mean, can you even do that, legally? No, you can't.
I put a name down, but I'm not going to tell you because it doesn't matter.
Why would you bring us all over here to say nothing? Yeah, this is incredibly unsatisfying.
Completely unsatisfying, right? Guy-Guys, guys.
Listen to us.
I mean, Wade asked for our support, and here we are, making it about us.
I mean, it-it is about us, so I see why we did that.
I mean, Michelle, you really made it about you.
But yeah.
My point is, I'm sorry.
- FORREST: Yeah.
Sorry, man.
- I'm sorry, too, Wade.
- My bad.
- Thank you.
Look, if anything were to happen to me, it doesn't matter whose house they sleep at.
My girls will need all of you.
Every single one.
Okay, cheers.
- ALL: Cheers.
- That is really sweet.
WADE: To being needed.
FORREST: Wait, here's the thing.
I-I mean, we just get really invested.
I know, I know we can be annoying.
No, I love that you're invested because it really shows that you care.
- DELIA: Yeah.
- Yeah.
WADE: Hey, talking of caring, I've got something to share with you all.
I did it.
You did what? I had sex.
- (GASPS) - Wait.
You What? What'd you do? I had sex.
Are you lying right now? Is he lying? - With who? - I'm not gonna tell you that.
With who? Okay, it was Caroline.
No! WADE: Like, four days ago.
- DELIA: No! - BEN: Now, I'm-a forgive you for sitting on that breaking news for four days, 'cause Wade got him some! What? You all right, Wade.
I just Caroline? Really? What's wrong with Caroline? - Who's Caroline? - Caroline! I don't know Caroline.
Forrest, for the love of God.
- You did the right thing.
- Yeah, the brave thing.
- You're not gonna miss your little swimmers.
- Nah.
Yeah, you're right.
I'm not gonna miss them.
I wasn't doing anything with them anyways.
I just liked knowing they were there, you know? Sure.
Feels like a part of my life is over.
Yeah, don't-don't think about that.
Think about stress-free sex with your wife.
- Oh, yeah.
- Yes.
- Ooh.
Ooh, ooh, ooh.
- Is that Whoa, whoa.
- Oh, easy.
- Ah, ooh.
It hurts to think about that.
- Calm down, buddy.
- Got to slow down on that.
But, uh, you know what does make it better though, Wade, is that I may be out of commission, but you, my friend, you back on active duty, Wade.
Oh, yeah, yeah.
Our man Wade here's gonna be the one needing the frozen peas, 'cause he's on fire! It was one time.
Forrest, air horn him! (IMITATES AIR HORN) It was one time.
- (LAUGHTER) - Yeah.
Stop, stop, stop.