The Wild Wild West (1965) s01e13 Episode Script

Tell Professor Bolt the governor has arrived.
Remind me to draft a letter to Professor Bolt tomorrow, thanking him for this private showing.
Yes, sir.
I understand the statue is a magnificent work of art, Governor.
Oh? A remarkable likeness of you.
Well, it had better be.
Otherwise, I can assure you, there'll be no public unveiling tomorrow night.
Hmm.
Amazing.
What? Hurry up.
Yes, ma'am.
Guard.
Call the carriage.
The governor will be ready to leave soon.
And tell Professor Bolt that the statue of the governor is an excellent likeness.
Yep.
I think I'm going to be able to build this thing so it can be concealed in either a ring or a stickpin.
"Priority.
" "Clear line.
" "Urgent.
" "Classification most secret.
" Give me the date, time and route.
"Have received" "letter.
" "Most critical subject.
" "From Governor Bradford.
" "Contact him immediately.
" "Extend full cooperation.
" "Secrecy vital.
" "President Grant.
" Governor Bradford again.
Yep.
Fine man.
Yeah, I like him very much.
I always had a great deal of respect for him.
Oh, so do I.
So do I.
His taste, his judgments his ability to, uh, select people.
I'm looking forward to working with him again.
Artemus, you're a hypocrite.
Yeah! So are you.
He just happens to have one of the most beautiful secretaries I think I've ever seen.
Miss Piecemeal.
Mmm, it's been over a year, though.
She, uh, might not even be working for him anymore.
Oh, what an ugly thought.
If you could just give me some idea of what your business is, Mr.
West.
I'm afraid not, Miss Piecemeal.
The governor stressed the need for secrecy.
The last time we met, there was a frightful crisis.
I don't always mean trouble.
I know.
There were some moments last time I distinctly enjoyed.
The, uh, governor I'll see if he's free.
Thank you.
How's your nerve? Holding up fine, so far.
Good.
There are two Secret Service agents outside from Washington.
Oh.
Can't we Can't we tell them the governor's busy? He sent for them somehow, secretly, without telling me.
Why? Obviously, he suspected something.
How much, I don't know.
I can't find out.
I I may have overestimated the state of my nerve.
What'll I do? Play along until we can find out why they're here and how much they know.
The governor and I met them over a year ago.
He's on formal terms with both of them.
One is called Artemus Gordon.
I'll be standing beside the other- James West.
Be calm.
If there's any trouble, we'll kill them.
The governor will see you now.
Thank you.
Mr.
West.
Governor.
Good to see you again.
Good to see you, sir.
Mr.
Gordon, how long has it been? A year since I saw you last? Almost, sir.
Uh, sit down, gentlemen.
Thank you.
Thank you.
The president told us that according to your letter, you had highly confidential information for us.
O-Oh, I have no secrets from Miss Piecemeal.
Now, how can we help you, Governor? Well You see, Mr.
West, there was no need for us to play cat and mouse outside.
I asked the governor to write the president because of threats against his life.
But surely, sir, you have the state militia.
There's a great deal more to it.
A-Allow me, please.
Mr.
West, under the present circumstances, I cannot trust the state militia.
You see, my death is only part of a larger plot to take over the entire state government.
Do you have any idea who's behind it? Unfortunately, no.
Now, how did you find out? An informant.
Who was that? Well, I'm afraid I can't divulge that.
In any event, he was killed.
Governor, you should divulge everything if we're to assist you, sir.
Mr.
West, I asked you and Mr.
Gordon here for one reason and one protection.
The conspiracy cannot succeed as long as I am alive.
Now, I am not powerless, and given time, I can deal with the conspiracy in my own fashion.
But if I am to stay alive, then I must have someone guarding me whom I can trust without reservation- you and Mr.
Gordon.
The first thing that I would suggest is that you cancel all your public appearances.
Out of the question.
I must carry on my normal routine as if I didn't suspect a thing.
Besides, they're unveiling a statue of me tonight at the Bolt Museum, and I, uh I wouldn't want to miss that.
Mmm, no, if you insist on taking that risk.
I do.
Perhaps it might work to our advantage.
If someone does make an attempt on your life, they might lead us to the conspirators.
My thought precisely.
We'll pick you up at 7:00 and escort you to the museum, Governor.
Well, I am much reassured now that you gentlemen are here.
Governor.
I'll be your liaison, Mr.
West- work very closely with you.
I was hoping you'd say that.
Good-bye, Governor.
Gentlemen.
You were superb.
I hope I never have to go through that I don't believe you'll see them anymore.
I suppose the unveiling is formal.
Uh-huh.
Doesn't give us much time- bite, change, back to the capitol.
You know, with all due respect to the governor, I just can't take this threat thing too seriously.
It does sound incredible.
Aw, take over the government of a whole state? It's more than incredible - it's impossible.
Artemus, you and I are convinced; that doesn't mean everybody is.
A few people think they might get away with it Yeah, I know what you mean.
They'll try.
They could succeed in killing the governor if we're not careful.
Whoa! All right, mister.
Against the wall.
Okay, talk.
Look, no offense.
I was just doing a job.
Who for? Who paid you? I don't know.
Honest.
It was a guy I met in the saloon.
I never saw him before in my life.
See? Easy, friend.
Why, it's, uh just a little old watch he gave me.
No offense.
To the left.
Lower.
Ooh, ah.
That's right.
Right there.
Still too cold.
Well? I failed.
The two Secret Service agents are still alive.
Hmm I just paid $25,000 for this.
What do you think of it? Angelique? Why, it is very beautiful, Professor.
Mm-hmm.
Miss Piecemeal? I like it very much.
The composition is atrocious.
I would pay $100,000 to keep such trash from being foisted on the public.
In the same way, our lives must be regarded as artistic compositions- symmetrical, flawless, successful.
We shall make another attempt to kill West this evening, and this time it must be symmetrically composed balanced flawless successful.
I understand.
Exactly warm enough.
I'm shocked at the attempt on your life, naturally, but not surprised.
And I must warn you, Governor, there may be an attempt on your life tonight.
Nevertheless, I will not cancel the unveiling, Mr.
West.
Sir, there's no further need to keep up appearances for the sake of secrecy.
The conspirators obviously know we're here and why.
I disagree with you, Mr.
Gordon.
In any event, my mind is made up.
One of us will be at your side at all times, Governor.
The drafts on the state treasury, sir.
Oh, yes, thank you.
Will you excuse me, gentlemen? We'll wait outside.
Yes, I'll be with you in a moment.
You understand your part in the arrangements tonight? Yes, ma'am.
I'm going back to the museum for a few minutes.
I have arranged for West to be standing here.
Durand himself will be at the ballista.
It's a primitive concept, Miss Piecemeal, but dynamic raw, vigorous exciting.
I like it.
Well have you come to kill me? That's the last thing on my mind.
No, no, no.
I thought you might like to know that your unveiling ceremony shows every sign of being an enormous success.
Everyone of importance is upstairs.
Mmm except me.
You shall be, too, Governor never fear.
This man who looks like me- is he that good? Mm-hmm.
You thief! You traitor! Murderer.
A man who brings some of the great masterpieces of the world to this state cannot be all that bad, sir.
How long do you think you can go on robbing the state treasury, using that puppet in my place? Long enough to make some of the greatest acquisitions the world has ever seen.
My museum shall go down in history.
Art lovers will flock to this very place.
Do you know what I intend to buy next? Something extraordinary.
Something personal to hang in my own private chambers.
I shall share it with no one.
The Mona Lisa.
This is insanity.
Is it? I've already sent out feelers.
The French government is having a financial crisis.
It may cost a few million, but I intend to have it.
You can't take that amount of money out of the state coffers without somebody exposing you before long.
Expose me? My dear governor, why do you suppose I'm keeping you alive? You shall have to face the charges if and when they come.
I can see you trying to explain that it was not you who signed the withdrawal vouchers, that it was not you who took the funds that they provided.
There isn't a soul alive who would believe such a wild, fantastic story.
Now do you begin to appreciate the artistry of the scheme? Its delightful symmetry? But I still have the trump card.
You see, I wrote a letter to President Grant.
Yes.
He sent James West.
He shall die in a matter of minutes.
Yes, sir, I have two men at each door.
Good.
No one is to enter or leave after the governor arrives.
I've given them your instructions.
Fine.
Now, uh you've had the place searched thoroughly, haven't you? Oh, every inch.
Oh, I can assure you, sir, the governor will be perfectly safe here.
Good.
Thank you.
Good evening.
Mr.
West and the governor will be coming right in.
Fine.
I'll be glad when this is over.
We've taken every precaution, Miss Piecemeal.
Nice to see you again.
Hello.
Nice to see you.
Hello, nice to see you again.
Oh, good to see you again, sir.
Get a hold of yourself.
This is a lot more than I bargained for.
No problems so far.
I better go on ahead and check the other gallery.
I'll be with the governor.
Governor.
Oh, Mr.
Gordon.
You'll go through with it.
Her name is Angelique.
Very appropriate, isn't it? Professor Bolt.
Good evening, Governor.
Professor Bolt, may I introduce Mr.
James West? Mr.
West.
The governor's informed me of your mission.
I trust my guards have cooperated.
Oh, yes indeed, sir.
One of my students, Miss Angelique Rosé.
Bonsoir, monsieur.
My pleasure.
I must say, you've accumulated quite a collection, Mr.
Bolt.
I continually strive to improve it.
Oh, some things are perfect just as they are.
Excuse me.
It's time to begin.
Your attention, please.
If you will all come this way, we will proceed with the unveiling.
Uh, you go on ahead, Miss Piecemeal.
I'll wait to make an entrance.
Marvelous collection, don't you think? This is a piece that has always greatly interested me.
It's, uh It's Oriental, I think.
No, it's Persian- Why, Mr.
West, I had no idea you were an expert in art.
Oh, I'm no expert, sir.
But in my line of work, you pick up odd information.
Besides, that type is very common.
Well, I'm sure you must be mistaken, Mr.
West.
Uh, Professor Bolt himself assured me that this piece is unique- absolutely irreplaceable, almost priceless.
Uh, as a matter of fact, he pointed out this particular inscription here.
Oh, as I said, I'm no expert.
Don't you think we should be going, Governor? Mr.
West What's the matter, sir? I don't know.
Oh, wha Just a an attack of nerves, I think, to be frank, Mr.
West.
Well, that's quite understandable.
But I don't think it's anything to concern yourself about here.
I think everything's under control, Governor.
Huh? Thank you, Mr.
West.
You you've greatly reassured me.
Oh, this is terrible.
You could have been killed, Governor.
Well, I I just turned away.
Mr.
West was standing right there.
I'm sorry, Mr.
West.
Are you all right? Oh, I'm fine, thank you.
No harm done, except to that vase you wanted me to see.
This is your first failure, Durand.
You will be given another chance.
But you, Miss Piecemeal, have failed twice.
I have no excuses, sir.
If you were I, what would you do? I know the penalty.
When faced with a difficult artistic problem, Rembrandt, da Vinci, Giotto were men of infinite patience.
West is a difficult problem; I, too, shall be patient.
You will be given a third chance, Miss Piecemeal.
Thank you, Professor.
Remember, West dies or you do.
Artemus and I were sent here to protect the governor.
Since we've been here, there have been two attempts on my life and none on the governor's.
You must admit, that's a trifle peculiar.
Everything about this conspiracy is peculiar bizarre.
Do you, uh, notice anything unusual about the governor? No.
And I've worked for him for three years.
Have you noticed me at all? Certainly.
I mean noticed like the last time.
Angelique? No, no, this is a much different situation this time.
It takes more of my concentration.
So you've lost yourself in a little world of doubt and distrust and suspicion.
All work and no play? You've lost your perspective.
Soon you'll be suspecting everyone.
Unless you get some relaxation, some distraction.
Mmm, certainly is distracting.
You're incorrigible.
Just a dedicated public servant.
I'm not flattered.
But since I can't distract you, what exactly is it about the governor? I don't know.
Something about him seems different.
I can't put my finger on it.
He just doesn't seem to be himself.
Of course not.
His life is in danger.
He's under constant tension.
Even a courageous man under the same circumstances would be affected.
I suppose so.
I do have work, Miss Piecemeal.
I'm sorry.
Purely a therapeutic gesture, Governor.
I prepared the papers you wanted, Governor.
If you'll excuse me, Mr.
West.
Governor, I'd like to show you something.
The real Governor Bradford was left-handed.
Well, that's right, I am.
You're a fake.
You're wrong.
How dare you, sir?! Put your hands on the table, flat.
Last night, when you were setting me up to get killed, you were so nervous you kept using your right hand.
Get the guards, Miss Piecemeal.
But I I said, get the guards! More vouchers.
You must be stealing the state blind.
Who are you? I'm Sam Jameson.
I'm an actor.
Miss Piecemeal hired me.
Miss Piecemeal? Yes, she offered me a great deal of money.
A certain physical resemblance I studied, prepared To step in after they killed the real governor.
No, the governor's still alive.
Alive? Where? There he is.
Seize him.
I'm a Secret Service agent.
He tried to kill me.
Arrest him! Drop it.
There are museum guards waiting in the car.
From Bolt's museum? Yeah, I counted six of them.
That's odd.
The state militia left ten minutes ago.
The guards stayed on.
Just thought I ought to warn you.
The state government's already been taken over.
The man we've been talking to is a double.
Bradford's been kidnapped.
By whom? Miss Piecemeal's in on it.
I don't know who else.
The important thing is they've taken the governor, and we've got to find him.
Oh, that might be tough.
With the machinery of the whole state at their disposal, he might be any place.
I'm going back there tonight.
Helva! Your hands are like two great blocks of ice.
No, no, no, the only safe assumption we can make is that now West knows everything.
Even so, it's only a question of time before the militia find him.
Have you become completely unreliable, Miss Piecemeal? Durand- a man like West, bold, daring, experienced what will he do? I have come to see Professor Bolt.
Who shall I say? Sir, who shall I say? Sir, who shall I say? Gaston Larousse, Académie Française.
I must see him immediately.
Durand, you know what to do.
Monsieur Larousse.
Professor Bolt? I have long anticipated meeting the representative of the French government so that we might conclude our negotiations for the Mona Lisa.
Uh, please, if you don't mind, I prefer the proper title, eh? La Gioconda.
Oh, of course, of course.
Do you approve of my collection? Amusing.
Stimulating.
You have a marvelous sense of humor, monsieur.
Oh? Oh, the idea of including so many fakes and forgeries amongst the genuine masterpieces.
As a challenge to the connoisseur, huh? Fakes, sir? Mais oui.
This, uh, so-called Duccio, for example, here.
Oh, oh, oh, be careful.
Old Wahlweber turns those out by the bale.
What are you talking about? Who is old Wahlweber? Heinrich Wahlweber the German art forger, now living in Florence.
But I examined the canvas myself.
It is authentic, I assure you.
Oh, the canvas, of course.
A worthless painting of the period scraped down to the fabric.
Quickly, sir.
That's far enough, Mr.
West.
Raise your hands.
Mr.
West! One more move and the governor's a dead man.
It's no use, Mr.
West.
This, too? Uh, oui.
Of Carlos Mendona, a Spanish stonecutter who died six years ago, uh, leaving nine children.
I thought you recognized the typical chisel marks on the base and the stain caused by the mild solution of nitric acid to give it the sense of age and, uh, weathering.
Matter of fact, they escaped me.
Uh monsieur, am I to assume that you bought so many fakes and forgeries as, uh as genuine? I'm afraid so.
Oh là, là, là, là, là, là, là.
Quelle folie.
Thank you for pointing them out to me.
Now, may we retire to my study to discuss the Mon La Gioconda? Monsieur, I must address myself to you with brutal frankness.
At the time we entered into negotiations with you, we assumed that you were an expert, a connoisseur.
But, uh I seriously doubt whether we can in good conscience sell to you what is without doubt the greatest art treasure in all the world.
I will pay At any price.
As my Grand-tante Maude always used to say, "To own a priceless treasure, one must first be worthy of it.
" Uh, Professor Bolt.
The bird is back in the cage.
The other one? Also in a cage.
Forgive the interruption.
Oh Uh, monsieur Um, do you value your life? Of course.
What you feel pressing against you, Professor, is a pistol of quite large caliber.
Mr.
Gordon? The same.
What a relief! You actually had me convinced that I had bought fakes.
Oh, thank you.
Now, where are West and the governor? In the cellars below us.
Durand, fetch Mr.
West and the governor.
Stay right where you are.
There's no need to be too cooperative.
We'll go down to them.
As you will.
Durand, this man is a Federal agent.
He has a pistol to my side.
Do you have the keys to the cellar? I do.
Drop your gun belt.
Lead the way.
Whoa.
Gently.
Hold it right there.
Jim! In here, Artemus.
Can you get out? I need help.
Unfortunately, only one of us at a time can climb the ladder.
You two, drop your gun belts.
Go ahead.
You two, back to the wall.
Both of you.
A wine press, Mr.
Gordon.
Lights! As I said, a wine press, Mr.
Gordon.
But it can be used to crush other things.
I must confess to a certain twinge of regret concerning you, Miss Piecemeal.
You were extremely useful to me for a time.
I did my best.
At least let her out.
I know.
She's young and beautiful.
It's no use.
I understood when I agreed to work with him what would happen if I failed.
She failed not once but several times beyond the point of tolerance.
So I had her put in there with you.
I expected nothing different.
Console yourself, Miss Piecemeal.
At least you won't live to lose your beauty.
Besides, I think I prefer inanimate beauty.
It never fades.
It never ceases to give pleasure.
It never fails.
Farewell.
It's redwood.
Still soaked and wet from the wine, but I think the magnesium should work.
I told you never to come here.
I-I'm worried.
I can't find Miss Piecemeal.
She is being taken care of.
Henceforth, Jameson, you will take your orders through another channel.
The militia- they still haven't found West.
He's right here.
He, too, is being taken care of.
Give me a hand here! Match.
Here.
Here.
Another match, please.
That was the last one.
Here.
Here it is.
Gently.
Hey! Well, that was quick and easy.
Let's find the governor, eh? What is it? I rather imagine that Mr.
West has somehow managed to escape from the wine press.
Where's the guard room? Jim I'll go to jail.
But I'll be alive.
I find I like the idea.
You get the governor, I'll get Bolt.
Right.
What are you going to do? What I should have done in the first place.
Take care of Mr.
West myself.
Well, how do you know he'll come here? He will come.
Oh, look out! Unless I miss my guess it'll be a matter of minutes.
Well, what about your guards? Won't they? My guards have not been very successful with Mr.
West up until now.
I've no reason to assume that they will be more successful.
Mr.
Bolt, I I hadn't bargained on anything like this.
I know.
Miss Piecemeal has already told me.
I want to get out.
It's a little late for that, isn't it, Jameson? On the other hand no one is holding you.
But what about my pay? Miss Piecemeal promised me $10,000! Mr.
Jameson, I don't have that much money with me.
Be careful! Mr.
Jameson, when I have eliminated Mr.
West, I shall have further use for your services.
Until then, I suggest that you make yourself scarce or you may find yourself dead.
No, no! Not that way, this way.
And do try to get out unobserved.
You're a few seconds earlier than I expected, Mr.
West.
You can't escape, and you can't get any assistance.
Neither can you.
Your guards are locked in their own quarters.
On the contrary- every door in the museum is bolted except the door to the guard's room.
It won't be long before they break out.
It'd be a shame to wreck a Rembrandt.
Put that down.
It's the only way you'll get me.
It's irreplaceable.
It's my favorite.
I was hoping you'd say that.
You have no appreciation, Mr.
West, or you wouldn't do such a thing.
At this moment my appreciation is limitless.
It's an art treasure, a masterpiece! Compared to it, our lives are as nothing.
I admire Rembrandt- with my life.
Get back.
Get back! You all right? Yeah.
The Rembrandt It's not damaged.
You're a vandal, Mr.
West.
A barbarian.
Perhaps.
But I do have an eye for beauty.
I suppose the museum's collection will have to be broken up now.
There must be hundreds of thousands of dollars from the state treasury tied up here.
I guess they'll have to auction it off to try and recover some of it.
It's a shame in a way.
You know, it's a rather remarkable collection.
Gentlemen.
Governor.
I've spoken to both these young ladies, and I've decided to follow your recommendation, Mr.
West.
I'm very pleased, sir.
Yes, I'll instruct the attorney general not to make any charges against either one of them.
We really don't know how to thank you.
As a matter of fact, I've decided to take both Angelique and Helva into my employ.
Isn't that wonderful? Yes.
Now, if I may make a suggestion, I think the occasion calls for a celebration.
Oh, I agree.
You'll join us, of course, sir.
Well, I'm afraid not.
I am, uh, due at a banquet right now and I have a mountain of paperwork to catch up on, not to mention the problems that that rascal Bolt left me.
Oh You know, it's a shame that Jameson has to go to jail, too.
I could use a good double, you know? Well, thank you again, Mr.
West.
And you, Mr.
Gordon.
Thank you, sir.
Mesdemoiselles- à toute à l'heure.
Uh, ladies, I recommend dinner and the theater.
And, uh, maybe a tour of the Barbary Coast? Could we go dancing? I'm afraid not.
You see, I I have this little crick in my neck.
Ah, that is simple.
Aha.
Uh, thank you, thank you very much.
Thank you, that's so much better.
I think we can start now.
Will you tell me why do I always get the one with the cold hands?