Two and a Half Men s01e13 Episode Script

Here, try this.
- What is it? - Just try it.
Hey, that's good.
Of course it is.
It's chicken in frumunda sauce.
Frumunda sauce? Yeah, from unda' the toilet.
Get it, Dad? Yeah, I get it.
I got it 30 years ago, the first time he said it.
Yeah, but it's new to him.
Check this out.
Hey, Jake? What do you call the red mushy stuff between the elephant's toes? - What? - Slow-moving natives.
I love this kid.
He's a comedy blank slate.
I'm glad you do, but you might not want to share your chopsticks with him.
- I think he's coming down with something.
- Oh, no.
He thinks it's a head cold but it's snot.
Wait a minute, you don't know that one, either? I have so much to teach you, grasshopper.
Do you know how to make arm farts? Charlie? Not at the dinner table.
I'll show you later.
Before I forget, you got plans for tomorrow night? - No.
- Make some.
- I'm gonna need the house to myself.
- Fine.
Don't you want to know why? Jake, if you're done, you can go to your room and start your homework.
This is about sex, right? Kids today, huh? Doesn't know frumunda sauce but gets why I need the house.
I got a bunch of jokes you're gonna love in a year or two.
- Cool! - Go.
You think I'm just a kid but I'm snot.
Wait, that's not right.
Okay, have you ever had revenge sex? Hang on.
Jake, are you in your room? Yeah! Revenge sex.
Is that anything like pity sex? Whole different animal.
Let me break it down for you.
There's this woman, Kathy, who lives up the beach.
Beautiful woman, I've wanted her for years.
Only one problem.
She's married to kind of a friend of mine.
Kind of a friend? Well, I never really liked him, but he had a hot wife.
So, the sanctity of marriage does slow you down a bit.
- I'm impressed.
- Thank you.
But then I catch a break.
He cheats on her with her best friend.
She throws him out.
So now I'm thinking she is gonna want justice.
Justice meaning revenge sex with you? You see it, too, huh? You're gonna exploit someone's anger and grief for your own animal gratification.
Hey, I don't bitch about your hobbies.
She's coming over here on Sunday, so I want you to be out of the way, because we'll probably be moving from room to room.
I'll catch a movie.
Just mop up when you're done.
You got it.
Don't take things off his plate.
He's coming down with something.
Relax.
I never get sick.
Boy, is he sick.
Well, I can't say he didn't warn me.
How you feeling? Horrible.
- Is that tea? - Yeah.
I know I said I wanted you out of the house for my date tonight, but you're obviously indisposed, so don't worry about it.
Thank you.
Just stay in your room so the coughing and hacking doesn't kill the mood.
Anything else I can do to enhance your evening? Well, you know how to work my camcorder? I'm bored.
What are we gonna do today? I don't know.
Why don't we make some lunch and figure something out? - Cool.
- Excuse me? Hasn't anybody noticed I'm sick and miserable here? Yes, Alan, we noticed.
Which is why we're gonna make like hockey players and get the puck out of here.
Get it, Dad? Puck's not a bad word, but it sounds like one.
Yeah, hilarious.
Hey, Uncle Charlie, let's make like soccer players and get our big leather balls out of here.
Good one.
You know, I caught this from you.
How come you're not sick? I am.
See? He's just not being a baby about it.
- Hi.
- Perfect.
Rose, this isn't the best time.
Alan's pretty sick.
Oh, no! Poor Alan.
Is Charlie taking good care of you? Not really.
Would you like me to take care of you? Not really.
Don't be silly.
Move over.
Rose, what are you doing? I'm transmitting healing energy from my body to yours.
Looks like you're in good hands.
Come on, Jake.
I don't think that's gonna help him.
No, but it helps us.
Is he gonna be able to take me back to Mom's later? Don't worry.
If he can't, I will.
Hey, how can you tell if an elephant's been in your refrigerator? - How? - There's footprints in the cheesecake.
But we don't have a cheesecake.
That's the part you don't buy? Do you feel the healing energy? If I say yes, will you get off me? - Hello? - Mom? For God's sake, Alan, I sit on that couch.
Mom, I'm sick.
We're all sick, darling, but we use discretion.
No, he has the flu, Evelyn.
You poor baby.
What can Mommy do for you? It's okay.
I'll manage.
Don't be ridiculous.
Now what do you need? I don't know.
I am kind of thirsty.
Well, then, you should be drinking lots of fluids.
Okay.
Would you like a nice hot bowl of my special chicken noodle soup? That would be nice.
Rose, call Greenblatt's and have them send over some soup.
As a matter of fact, I'm famished.
Order me Order me a turkey on rye with maybe a little Swiss.
On second thought, delivery takes forever.
Would you care to join me for lunch? Well, what about Alan? We'll have something sent back for him.
Okay.
So, what's Charlie been up to? Well, what do you know about revenge sex? Quite a bit, actually.
I'm still thirsty.
Hey.
Looking good.
That's not very hygienic.
We wash dishes in that sink.
Well, somebody does.
Did the chicken soup Mom sent over from Greenblatt's ever show up? Nope.
Well, I'm glad you got some rest, because I have got great news.
There is no great news.
There's no light at the end of the tunnel.
There is no silver lining.
There is just this hell on earth.
And the slow wait for the sweet release of death.
Okay.
Let's call it good news.
The girl I'm going out with tonight needs a date for her sister.
Are you insane? No, but I hear the sister's a bit of a freak.
Jake? Jake, go to your room.
If you want to talk about sex, why don't you go to your room? - Now! - Fine.
First of all, I don't want to talk about dating in front of my son while his mother and I are in the middle of a divorce.
Okay.
That's very caring and sensitive.
Now let me tell you about Revenge Sex's little sister, Casual.
Alright, even if I weren't deathly ill, which I am, I wouldn't go on a blind double date with you.
- Why not? - Summer of my junior year? The Seals and Crofts concert? You got the incredible cheerleader and I got her sister, The Incredible Hulk? She really took a shine to you.
Sure did.
"Sarah like puny Alan.
" You weren't complaining when you were on her shoulders shouting Summer Breeze! Forget it, Charlie, forget it.
Alan, trust me.
I've seen the sister.
Her name is Desiree.
I don't care what her name is.
Desiree, Alan.
That's like desire with a "yay" at the end.
- She's an actress on some soap opera.
- Really, which one? I don't know.
The Bold and the Bulimic, or something.
Are you guys done yet? Yeah, we're done.
Now we're gonna get your father back on his feet.
How? Well, would you like to go see a bunch of naked boobs? - Sure! - Charlie! This was a dirty trick, Uncle Charlie.
So we just sit here and be hot? Yep.
This sucks.
That's good.
Get it out now, because most women hate that noise.
I'm not going on a date, Charlie.
You don't know that.
I didn't start this day thinking we'd all be sitting bare-ass naked, but here we are.
Hey, Dad, want to hear a funny joke? Sure, why not? Okay, there's a priest, a minister, and a rabbit.
It's a rabbi, Jake.
Oh, yeah.
Okay.
A priest, a minister, and a rabbi.
I forgot the rest.
I gotta go to the bathroom.
Wait.
You know why they call this a European health spa? Because you're a-peein'.
He's gonna kill at school tomorrow.
Charlie, I'm not going on a date.
Oh, come on, Alan.
If you don't do this, then I'm not gonna get the revenge sex.
And I really want the revenge sex.
I really do.
I'm sorry.
It's not that I don't appreciate you, pimping me out on my deathbed.
It's just that I'm not ready to date.
Not ready? If you think you're protecting Jake by living like a monk, you're wrong.
He needs to know that his father's moving on with his life, that he's happy.
It's not about Jake.
I haven't been on a date since college.
There's nothing to worry about.
Just be yourself.
The one woman who knows me better than anyone in the world threw me out.
So "be yourself" is not exactly comforting advice.
Good point.
Okay, look at it this way.
It took your wife 12 years to get sick of you.
All we gotta do here is snow some broad for one night.
A priest, a minister, and a rabbi walk into a barn.
It's a bar, Jake.
Not a barn.
A bar.
It is? Now I get it.
That's funny.
Okay, I dropped Jake off at his mom's, and the girls should be here in a little while for drinks.
Is this the sister? Desiree Barrington from The Young and the Restless? Yeah.
You want me to go on a date with Desiree Barrington? Yeah.
I'm healed.
It's a miracle.
Attaboy.
Are you okay? Yeah.
Why? Well, you're coughing, you're sweating.
Charlie, you're burning up.
No, your hand is freezing.
I think you're coming down with what I've got.
Don't be ridiculous.
I never get sick.
Now, listen, I made reservations at the Ivy.
I figure we'll take them out for an early dinner and then And then what? Hang on a second.
Anyway, we'll take them to the Ivy Here.
This'll make you feel better.
Thanks.
Okay.
Why don't you go upstairs and change because we really want to look our best for our dates.
What are you talking about? I'm not going on a date.
Yeah, you are.
Come on, Charlie.
Desiree Barrington.
Nominated for two Daytime Emmys.
Named "Most Promising Ingénue" by Soap Opera Digest.
She totally revitalized Young and the Restless.
Occasionally I have lunch at my desk and watch a little TV.
Tell Jake I loved him.
Please, Charlie.
I was gonna suck it up for you.
No, you weren't.
Okay, you got me.
Look, you helped me feel better, and now I'll help you.
You want to help me, Alan? Find a gun and shoot me in the eye.
No, I was thinking I could give you a chiropractic adjustment.
You could also do my hair, but what would be the point? Chiropractics is not just about back ailments.
It's a holistic approach to wellness that includes unblocking pathways in the nervous system so that the body can heal itself.
Excuse me? What is Alan.
I never told you this before, but I guess now is as good a time as any.
I think what you do for a living is a total crock.
What? Don't take it personally.
But you chiropractor guys are just masseuses without the happy endings, right? You think I'm some kind of phony? That my profession is some kind of con? Well, let's be honest.
You only became a chiropractor because you couldn't get into medical school.
I got into medical school! I just didn't want to spend four years in Guadalajara.
So instead you spent, what, two weeks at Back Snapper U? It was two years.
And since we're being honest, let me tell you about what I think about what you do, Mr.
Jingle Writer.
You're not a musician, you're a salesman.
You know what you sell? Crap! Granny's Big Fudge Nuggets? Maple Loops? Hey, Maple Loops is part of a nutritious, balanced breakfast.
Yeah, if you eat it with a steak and some broccoli.
And let me tell you another thing.
You had a shot at a real career.
You could've played in great bands.
You could've been a respected studio musician.
Don't you think I wanted that? I tried, Alan, and I failed.
The truth is, if I hadn't started writing jingles, I'd be playing faculty mixers at the Guadalajara Medical School.
Since you're being honest, I guess I can admit, I didn't really get into Guadalajara.
I guess neither of us is doing exactly what we dreamed about when we were kids.
I guess not.
But you know, we could be doing a lot worse.
Yes, we could.
Excuse me.
You know what's nice, though? This.
Right now.
Taking care of each other, like we did when we were kids.
Well, no one else was gonna take care of us.
- We were on our own.
- Yeah.
Dad was gone and Mom was What are you doing? Hey! How do you feel? Actually, a little better.
Total crock, huh? Lay down, I'll do your back.
- No, I'm fine, thanks.
- No, really, it'll help.
I mean it, Alan.
Keep your hands away from me.
Come on, don't be such a baby.
I'm not a baby.
I just don't like a man touching me.
I let you do it to me once, that was enough.
And you liked it.
Now come on, just let me finish the job, and you'll be ready for when the women get here.
- No.
- Just relax.
Come on.
Wait.
Car doors.
They're here.
How do I look? Good.
Me? Very nice.
Thank you.
Was that the doorbell? Alan, relax.
Chicks are always late.
I guess.
What about that? - What about what? - The doorbell.
Alan, relax.
Chicks are always late.
I guess.
Now, that was the doorbell.
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