Ugly Americans (2010) s01e13 Episode Script

When you live in a big city, You like to think you've seen it all.
- [speaking russian.]
[mechanical whirring.]
[all screaming.]
But in a city like new york, that's never gonna happen.
- [speaking russian.]
Nyet, nyet! Nyet! [speaking russian.]
[screaming.]
[wet splatter.]
- Though you'll definitely see some things you wish you hadn't.
- [sniffing.]
[mechanical whirring.]
- All yours now.
Don't get sticky.
- Whoa, wait.
You're leaving the killer robot with me? - You are m.
Lilly, correct? Chief operating officer in charge of Robotic android rehabilitation? - Not that I'm aware of.
- I may have had something to do with that.
I thought I was signing you up for the softball team.
- Boring laboratories.
I've got one of their pneumatic egg poachers.
- And I've got their hydraulic melon baller.
Total *bleep*.
- Does it come with instructions? - Use the egg poacher manual.
Same principle.
- My name is mark.
I come in peace.
[wet splatter.]
Ugh.
- So did he.
- [grumbles.]
- Oh, don't be a baby.
Lemon juice will take that right out.
- Today in honor of our newest member, j9, I'd like to discuss boundaries.
We all have boundaries that need to be respected.
Right? - Oh, god.
[wet splatter.]
Oh, you bastard.
- Turn your anger into a statement.
- I want to piss on his circuit board.
- That's perfectly normal.
Go deeper.
- I guess I wonder, "what kind of person does this?" - J9, why would you do this to toby? [mechanical whirring.]
Uh, eric? - I love that everyone just assumes I read punch card.
Give me that.
"consult manual.
" - He didn't come with a manual, Much like life itself.
- [leaves rustling.]
- Huh.
Leonard strikes again.
What's my fall issue of oeuf Doing in the garbage? - Mark, your obsession with eggs is a time bomb In the middle of this relationship.
- This is the issue With the yearly egg timer reviews, dude! - You come home with some strange robot And start yelling at me about eggs again.
- What else did you throw out, genius? - Don't change the subject.
We need to look at this now.
- "cordially invite you "to callie's Prince of thrones cathedral, This started five minutes ago.
You're babysitting j9 for me.
- Does he have laser cannons? - Not as far as I know.
- I am sorry you had to hear that.
Sometimes roommates fight.
- Oh, man.
Excuse me.
Does anybody know a good place To buy a last-minute zechalech gift That's not gonna break my wallet in half? All: That way.
[bell dings.]
- I'm looking for a zechalech gift for my girlfriend Something thoughtful that won't break my wallet in half.
- Well, puzzle boxes are the traditional zechalech gift.
How guilty are we feeling For leaving it till the last minute? - This isn't helping my hernia.
- I need the biggest damn puzzle box you got.
- Good afternoon.
Noticing spooge stain.
Jackets are required, sir.
- The zechalech ceremony.
May I introduce your graduates? - This is a cool birthday party.
- Just put on the horns.
- How dare you? You understand that we are from Two entirely different worlds.
- Hello, hi, how are you? Hi, hi.
- You don't even know who she is.
Your ex-wife-- don't you forget it.
- Congratulations.
- I have moved on to greener pastures, And your anger is unattractive.
- Will you stop? - And finally, callie maggotbone.
Is there no human Who will speak on her behalf? - Aw.
- God, you're such a phony.
You've always been such a phony.
- A phony, right.
Okay, repeat, repeat.
- Who says that? - Repeat, repeat.
Repeat, repeat.
Repeat! - [groans.]
- Any human at all? - Uh, I'll do it.
- [gasps.]
- Young man, I don't know who you are.
- Callie asked me to come tonight.
I said, "are you kidding? It's your 13th zechalech.
Wild horses couldn't stop me.
" - Ugh, kiss-ass.
- A puzzle box? Oh, my god, mark.
This is really unexpected.
- There's a card too.
My soul belongs to you.
Oh, I forgot to sign it there.
It's a kitty cat card, everybody.
All: Aw.
- Should I unseal it? - Stop teasing us.
Unseal that box! All: Unseal at box! [phone rings.]
- Quick question.
Best way to remove man juice from a sam goody employee? - I'm gonna take this outside.
[mechanical clanking.]
[eerie humming.]
- [demonic voice.]
eata, elia, es! All: Eata, elia, es! Eata, elia, es! Eata, elia, es! Eata, elia, es! Eata, elia, es! - Oh, wow.
Remind me to give you puzzle boxes more often.
Callie? Aw.
[chuckling.]
Hey.
Hey, hey.
[gasps.]
[screaming.]
[funky music.]
- Hey, watch it, pal.
- Ow! - Hey! [wet splattering.]
[wet splattering.]
- Ooh, ah, ooh, ah.
[laughing.]
- We know this is a public park, But we're really gonna have to ask you guys to leave.
- If I had a nickel For every time I've heard those words - On your left, noodly-noo! - You called me down here for this? - You must be pretty jaded If a demon corpse isn't news to you.
- Ever been to demon funeral, lilly? It's called a "garbage disposal.
" Seriously, that's how they do it.
[imitates grinding noise.]
- Someone's clearly threatening me.
This was tied to its toe with a ribbon.
- It's okay.
Daddy will take care of the big scary bug for you.
- Oh, wow.
- Sweet dweams.
- So what did we miss? - [grumbles.]
So I flip on the lights, And there's a demon corpse in my bed.
Leonard? - [squeaking.]
- Nice and easy, mark.
She's a crazy bitch.
[shimmering tone.]
There you go, out the door.
Call you later.
You were saying? - There's a demon corpse under my desk.
- You mean under your bed.
- No, under my desk.
- Needs more salt.
[screeching.]
"remember me.
" I think I know what this is.
That puzzle box you gave callie, It unseals the three great satanic ordeals.
The corpses are the first ordeal.
- What have I done, leonard? - You've taken the biggest step of your life, mark.
- Please tell me we're not engaged.
- There's no time for questions.
Now, declare to me that I'm the best man to protect you.
Say it.
- You're the best man to-- - I accept.
Now, I've got to go call your mother And give her the news.
- What--so then who is leaving the corpses? [screaming and splattering.]
Any leads on why he's producing The juice of a man? - Uh, let's try this.
[mechanical whirring.]
[beeping.]
- Greetings, female of the future, Subject number one.
If you're viewing this, You survived the dirigible wars of 1982, Wars which were predicted by me in the present year of 1954.
[beeping.]
This j9 robot has been filled With my own highly motile semen to inseminate you.
- Um - Please prepare for the procedure By assuming a horizontal position, Or if you prefer, You can be on top.
J9, activate.
- Ah! - Don't resist! It makes it worse! - Not the mouth.
- Try to yield to it! Just yield to it! - Turn it off! - [screaming.]
[electricity zapping.]
- Oh, that looked serious.
- That's weird.
- Oh, god! [demonic growling.]
- I'll give you guys some privacy.
- [growling.]
I cannot thank you enough for what you did for me.
Ah, it's so nice to finally Have someone in my life I can count on.
- Did I do something wrong? What the hell is this? - I-I killed all my ex-boyfriends To purify myself for you.
- So that is your ex? Ugh, he's kind of - Old, I know.
I've got a bit of a daddy complex.
- Does everyone just carry salt shakers around? [screeching.]
[mechanical clanking.]
- Oh, lookee there.
The second ordeal's begun.
I'm gonna make all your dreams come true.
[roaring.]
- Hmm.
[humming.]
[groaning.]
- I've heard of morning wood, mark, But it's nearly midnight.
[chuckles.]
- Why am I naked, leonard? - The second ordeal.
Whatever you dreamed last night, you'll live out today.
Now, hold still.
We're fitting your tuxedo.
- [humming.]
It's my body.
I'm okay with it.
Huh? - You should be ashamed of yourself For dreaming this.
- I've been under a lot of stress lately.
Today's topic: Admitting your faults.
Who wants to go first? - I look at my poop before I flush.
- That's actually pretty normal.
- I also look at his poop before he flushes.
- Excuse me for a moment.
- Ooh, little circles, little circles.
- You know, there's a procedure To take care of those spider veins.
- [moaning.]
Splash! - Oh, you're so tense.
- Callie, sweetheart, dreams coming true sounds great, But in reality, not so fun.
- Who said it's supposed to be fun? - You did.
- Just relax.
Let mommy work it out.
- Mommy? - I'm sensing distance, mark.
- For the record, I've never dreamt about my mom In crotchless panties.
- I beg to differ.
You mumble in your sleep.
Who wants to hear the recordings? All: We do! - You're not getting cold feet, are you? - I'm not marrying my mother.
- It's your dream, not mine.
- Mark, stop arguing, and hand your penis to your mom.
- Mm.
- You waste time talking, teacher.
Is my turn from behind.
- It's an orgy.
I-I want in.
- I would like to have sex with mark's mother.
- [screaming.]
- [laughing.]
- The saltiest in the city.
Here you go, handsome.
- Four bucks for this? It's already melted.
- No refunds.
Go eat your man cream.
Who pulled your panel off, buddy? Right back.
Hey, yo, chief, Where's your bag ice? [mechanical whirring.]
[alarm blaring.]
- I just don't understand why mark's acting so weird.
- Sweetheart, can you take your original form? We're trying to fit the dress.
- Humans.
"this is moral.
That's immoral.
" [in demon voice.]
we should vaporize the whole race.
Oh, except for you, of course, mommy.
- I'm up most nights worrying About that repressed hostility, dear.
- It's just, I gave him all those dead bodies, And not a single word of thanks.
- Are you sure he knows what he signed on for? - How couldn't he know? It's the puzzle box.
Duh.
- Never assume.
When your father said "third base," I didn't know he meant biting the [bleep.]
off a dead jackal.
- I promised mark I wouldn't tell the story about our trip to the centaur show In juarez city.
- I'm gonna wake up before I hit the ground.
- You know, I should probably put more emphasis on juarez.
- I'm gonna wake up before I hit the ground.
- Where the hell is he? - I'm gonna wake up.
Splat! - There you are.
Let's go.
We're gonna be late.
- [groaning.]
All right, I'm done.
I want out, leonard.
- Sorry, mark.
Once you're in, you're in till the end, Like my swim coach when I was 12.
No turning back and no tattling.
But there will be a lollipop.
- Whoa, what the-- [mechanical clanking.]
[eerie sucking noise.]
- The third ordeal is upon us.
All righty, off to fetch the ice sculpture: Two swans a-humping.
Oh, re: The ordeal.
Whatever you do, no humdingers.
- That looks angry.
Did I dream this? - Nope.
Reality.
Deal with it.
- Why are you naked? - Oh, I get it: Mark's the only one Who's allowed to practice home nudism.
- Where's j9? - Last I saw, He was jackhammering through the rink At rockefeller plaza.
- You left him alone? I-I trusted you to babysit.
- Oh, complaining.
Can the egg tantrum be far behind? Here, I'll give it a countdown.
Three, two, one.
- Don't you dare drag god's food into this.
Eggs are nutritious, excellent for the skin, Easily transportable, with modern shells that-- No, you know what? Look, I can't do this right now.
Let's just cool it down.
- Fine.
To be continued.
Hey, you were premed.
Does this look normal? - Oh, dear god.
Excuse me, how far are we from rockefeller center? - How far is it? About that far.
- Mm.
[eerie sucking noise.]
Is it me, or does that look just like a-- [loud thump.]
- There you are.
I've been looking everywhere for you.
- Whoa.
- Have you been avoiding me? - Callie, uh, baby, We've got sort of an emergency on our hands.
- Oh, my.
You're right.
That thing really is ready to blow.
You know what? Let's just fill it right here.
Who needs that stupid ceremony, anyway? Going down.
[shimmering tone.]
- What did I tell you, mark? No humdingers.
- I hate button fly.
- She's about to suck your soul out One of the many ways they do it: Through the urethra.
- You were going to suck my soul out? - So I'm confused.
I thought you wanted this.
If you didn't, then why did you give me [in demon voice.]
the stupid puzzle box? - I was horribly misled by a sales representative At the hellmark store.
And then I saw you standing on that stage all alone, And I felt sorry for you.
- This is what happens when you date a human,allie.
Ugh, I hate my human half.
Want a humdinger? - More than anything.
- Callie.
- [in demon voice.]
get out.
[tires screeching.]
Prince of thrones cathedral.
Step on it.
- Sorry.
- Whoa, where you going? - It's okay, officer.
Mark lilly, department of integration.
- Special agent chet mcgovern, fbi.
- Yes, sir.
[mechanical whirring.]
- It's dr.
Alan boring in the flesh.
[mechanical whirring.]
[beeping.]
- [groans.]
- Well, rotting flesh.
[mechanical clanking.]
- It's his instruction manual.
[mechanical whirring.]
- Aw, he wants a belly rub.
- I don't think that's a belly rub.
I think he's trying to make some stiffness In his bathing suit area.
- Well, he needs to use more starch than that, Because those look like wool slacks to me.
- No, he's here to refill his tank.
- Boy, that must have been tough, Being gay in the '50s.
[upbeat music.]
- I feel your heartbeat so close to mine [indistinct conversation.]
- What did your date tell you was going to happen here? - Charity auction.
And then we all head to my place for the coke orgy.
- [clears throat.]
I'd like to welcome everyone to the 13th cycle of zechalech Graduation ceremony.
Young ladies, if you'll please produce your puzzle boxes.
Tabitha.
- [growling.]
Ptoo! [cheers and applause.]
Does anyone have any gum? - Aren't you nervous? You're about to lose your soul.
- Eh, what's it done for me? Let's do this thing.
- [groaning.]
- Things just got interesting.
- Always pegged her as a soul sucker.
- What's the holdup, lady? Whe's my humdinger? [eerie sucking noise.]
- Know what? Just get out of here.
- Later.
- You need to fill the box, honey.
It's starting to close up.
Appearances.
- Don't let him pressure you.
You do whatever you feel in your heart.
- I paid for the dress, the table - Oh, here we go.
- The eunuch.
And I need a soul for the box.
- Yeah, right, it's always about the money with you, isn't it? Your daughter has feelings.
How much are those worth? - Why don't we use your soul, rosie? Oh, right, you don't have one! .
Whose fault is that? - Certainly not mine.
- It is yours.
- No, it isn't.
- It is yours.
- No, it isn't.
You signed in blood! - Just stop! Enough with the bickering.
I'll fill it.
[roaring.]
- I got to get to callie's event.
- What's the rush? I'm sure she's already [bleep.]
the cabbie.
[mechanical whirring.]
- She wasn't really going through with that.
- I like living in a world where you can believe that.
[beeping.]
- Oh, grab his feet.
- Boy, he doesn't take no for an answer.
[beeping.]
[applause.]
- [growling.]
- [laughs.]
I told you she had a soul.
- [in demon voice.]
it's high school all over again.
- her soul's an "a" cup [laughter.]
- Whoa, hold up.
[eerie sucking noise.]
- [roaring.]
- Callie, this is your soul? I got to say, That's pretty much the cutest thing I've ever seen.
Plus, I think you're perfect as you are Or were.
- Get a room, ah! - [screaming.]
Guess what, everyone.
I'm half human.
Deal with it.
And whoever thinks I need to kill my guy Just to fill a stupid box can kiss my halfie ass! - Halfie nation! - We went to prom together.
Ugh.
- Pull the rope.
- Huh? Splat! Oh, not good.
[crowd gasps.]
- This is the sweetest thing Anyone's ever done for me.
- May I have this dance? - God damn it.
She gets everything.
- We all spend a lot of time worrying About what people expect of us.
For some, it can be an obsession.
But maybe we should all stop worrying and have some fun, Because you never know when it all might end.
So we're not married, are we? - Don't be an idiot.
- Cucumber.