Undeclared s01e13 Episode Script

1 Previously on Come on, guys.
Don't make fun of steve, or his breasts will lactate.
This looks like fun.
Hi, I'm books, theta delta zeta sage.
We could always use more cute guys here.
I hear fraternities tie a brick around your thing, and then throw the brick out a window.
Yeah.
Right.
The little sisters are like a sorority within a fraternity.
You guys have room for one more? We just really feel like you shouldn't join a fraternity.
Don't tell me what to do, please.
I say we go save steven.
You're pledged now.
I own your ass, steve-o.
You don't have to worry about him.
He's my bitch now.
Answer the phone, steve.
Grr.
Hello? Yes, sir.
Of course.
Ahem! Good morning, good afternoon, good evening, sir or madam, whatever the case may be.
I am but a lowly pledge of the theta delta zeta fraternity, lower than a whale crab, stinkier than a fart.
Until I make the active list, in me beats no heart.
Oh, you got to be kidding me, steve.
A a car wash? Now, sir? It's 3:00 in the morning.
No, I'm not complaining, I just I was making note of the time.
Yeah, I'm still hopping.
I'm still hopping.
Yeah, I can get some car wax.
Sure.
Morning.
Morning.
So, this is why you, uh, joined the frat? This was in the brochure? Everything's fine.
Steve, this is insane.
You shouldn't let them do this to you, man.
It's stupid.
Why don't you call me stupid again, lloyd? I love it so much.
It makes me want to hang out with you guys so much.
So, this isn't stupid? What is not stupid about this? The boobs? Hey, I'm not gonna say anything bad about the frat, ok? If I was gonna say one thing, it would be that this instills brotherhood.
Isn't that right, brother lee? That's right, brother.
Look, man, you may have thought we were mean to you, but we never locked you to a tree.
Ah, we did bungee him to his bed that time.
Right.
And then we wouldn't let him go to go to the bathroom.
Ah! I'm sorry.
So, what do you think? Do those girls know how lucky they are to have you? Well, they better.
This is, like, the ninth poster I've done for them.
My hand is cramping up.
Pizza? 403.
I didn't order pizza.
Did you order pizza? Just in time.
Oh.
Uh, it's $17.
50.
Oh, keep it.
Oh, thanks.
That smells good.
Can we have some? There's barely enough for me.
That was kind of rude.
Have you noticed anything different about rachel? Yeah.
You mean, her being locked in her room all the time, eating food? Yeah.
She's really stressed out.
She caught the freshman 15.
I'm glad I didn't catch it.
Do you think we should say something? Yeah.
I'd want somebody to tell me.
Now, a lot of guys call this hell week, but to me, it's really heaven week.
'Cause after this week, we're brothers for life.
So, you ready to have some fun? We're ready! We're ready! Ok.
Let's do it.
Yeah.
Yeah! Ha ha! Oh, yeah! Tie it and throw it.
Tie it to what? Tie it and throw it! Tie it to what? Hey, all right! You guys got the car clean! What up!? Touch the poopoo.
Touch the poopoo.
You like it.
You like it.
Don't act like you don't.
I don't want to touch it anymore.
Play with my poop! Hey, thought I said I wanted this car clean.
Use these.
Ah, ah, ah! Not with your hands.
Oh, look, steven.
Your date has arrived.
What am I supposed to do with the sheep? Whoo-whoo-hoo! What am I supposed to do with the sheep?! I am sorry, but you are such a slut! Whoo Oh, you shut up.
You don't know me.
Oh, don't go there.
Honey, you don't go there.
No, you shut up, girlfriend! You shut up! No, you shut up! Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight! Oh, my god, this skit is gonna be so funny, and the guys are gonna love it.
And lizzie, as you are our newest little sister, I think that you should play jerry springer.
Well, mary springer.
OhOh Thank you, um But I kind of don't really want such a big part in this thing.
Why are we doing it again? Well, it's just a show, I mean, to show appreciation for our brothers.
We have to be there for the guys.
All you ever do is worship these guys.
I mean, it's so silly.
Why don't you guys just join a sorority? 'Cause the sorority girls are bitches.
Maybe you should join a sorority.
Is that supposed to be an insult? Uh, yeah.
You know what? I quit.
I'm not doing some stupid skit in the hope that totem pole or books feels me up later.
Like they would.
Oh, my god, she's such a tri-delt.
Look, man, we realize that when we made fun of you in the past, maybe it hurt your feelings, which led to this whole fraternity nonsense.
Nonsense? Nonsense to you, maybe.
So, here's what we're gonna do here.
We're each gonna tell you something about ourselves, something we've never told anybody, and you can use that information to make fun of each of us.
All right.
Never tell anyone about this.
Ok? Ha ha ha ha ha! Laugh, steve.
Laugh it up.
It's funny.
It's funny.
I did some male modeling.
Ok, uh, I'll go now.
Every night, right after ron falls asleep, I'm, uh, uh Do what young men do.
In my bed.
You do it after I go to sleep? Yeah.
I do it every night after you go to sleep.
But you're snoring by the time I'm doing it.
I'm I'm pretending to snore so you don't think that I'm doing it! God, ron! So, we're doing it at the same time?! Oh, god! Oh! That's horrible, ron.
Gosh, man! Maybe next time you might want to use this thing.
I actually have one 'cause I thought that was meg ryan on the cover.
Why are mid-terms so hard? Too much pressure mmm.
Too much pressure too much pressure this is so stupid! Too much pressure we wish that that would stop oh! I hate this book! MmmMmm Mmm Who loves pickles? We love pickles.
I can't take much more of this.
Dude, you've had that pickle in your hand for a half hour.
It's not a lollipop.
Just eat it already.
Shut up, jim.
I've eaten, like, 20 more than you.
Guys, can we please not do this? We're almost done.
Ok? Let's just get through it.
Hey, dude, they've eaten a lot of pickles.
I mean, we didn't have to eat this many pickles.
I had to eat that many pickles.
Ok? Me.
So now they're gonna eat them.
All right.
Simmer down.
Ok.
We're done.
Yes! Yes! Ohh Congratulations, boys.
You know why the brothers of theta delta zeta made you eat that many pickles? UhTo instill brotherhood? Wrong.
It was to make room For these pickles! Oh, god.
Oh.
Eat up! You know what? No.
I quit.
What?! You don't quit.
I do quit.
This is stupid.
You guys aren't my friends.
Friends don't do this.
You're right.
Brothers do this.
And I guess you're not one, so why don't you get the hell out of here? You're pathetic! The other pledges don't even want you! No, I quit, too.
Me, too.
I'm out! You quit because he quit? Kind of, I I didn't know I could quit.
You know what? Get the hell out of here, all of you! None of you are good enough to be in this fraternity! Out! Get out of my sight! Right now! I had to do this! This is nothing! Adios! I told you it was too many pickles.
Now we don't have any pledges.
Why don't you get some pledges who aren't wusses, huh? You ever think of that? Hey, lizzie Hey! How's my favorite frat guy? I quit.
Really? Yeah.
I quit, too! You did? Yeah, the little sisters were total bitches.
The guys were total bitches.
That's awesome.
Hey, cheers to quitting.
To quitting.
Hey.
Wow.
We're dorm people.
I mean, that's not such a bad thing.
That's awesome.
See you later, steven.
Tina and I were thinking maybe we might be gaining the freshman 15.
Yeah.
Oh.
Well, you guys look fine to me.
Thanks.
You know what would be fun? We should all go on a diet together.
Yes.
I have all the tae bo tapes at home.
You know, that billy blanks is sexy, isn't he? Wait a second.
Do you guys think that I'm gaining weight? No.
No.
Look, you guys, you're my friends.
I mean, if there's something I should know, you should tell me.
We think you might be gaining weight.
What?! I can't believe you! It's ok.
You know? You're just under stress.
You know? Food can be such a comfort.
Yeah? Well, then, you must be really comfortable, tina.
Why don't I get you a pillow! I am not fat! I am voluptuous.
I got back! Yeah, well, just don't back into me! Ok, nobody here is fat.
Whatever.
Why don't you just run to your little sisters, ally mcsqueal? I quit.
Wait, what does that mean? Like I'm gonna take diet advice from miss anorexia usa! You did not just go there.
Oh, yeah.
You you walrus! I have seen you puke in the toilet after dinner! Ew I was cleaning it.
There were drips! Yeah, vomit drips! You watch your mouth.
Fatty! Fat head! Boney ass! Piggy! Oh! Ehh! Oh! This is gonna be so much fun.
Guys, I'm so psyched.
Pink flamingo is supposed to be awesome.
Yeah, I hear he eats, like, dog just keep walking.
Now, come on.
What the hell was that, man? That was so creepy.
You know, they're probably just mad that I quit.
It's like an intimidation thing, I think.
Is it ready? Let's make it happen.
Oh, my god.
We're gonna die.
You happy now, steven?! Huh? You happy now, quitter? You're in hell! You're in my hell! My god, did you hear that, man? We're in that boglin's hell.
That little guy scares the crap out of me, you guys.
Why don't you fight like a man, gnome boy? No, please don't yell at him.
Ok? They'll kill us.
Those guys are, like, in-sane.
Yeah, man, this is bad.
What are we gonna do? We're gonna teach these guys not to start something they can't finish.
Am I right, steve? You got us into this! Am I right, steven?! Yes! Yes! We're going back up.
All right.
We got 'em.
Well, at least you can't tell I peed myself back there.
This is gonna be so awesome.
Ah! Ooh, yeah! Ooh, yeah! Fat? You're hitting me with fat? What are you what the we are the kings of this! Booh-ya! Bacon fat! Bacon fat! Bacon fat! Hey, guys Guys, get up.
Come and look at this.
Hey, guys.
Um If you're looking for your stuff, it's on the lawn.
Somebody put price tags on it.
I bought this for you, though.
Hey! Hey, get off! Yo, get the hell off our chesterfield, guys.
Steve, man, what the hell? Ok.
I got an idea.
I got a good idea.
You ready? Yeah.
Shh.
Heh heh heh! This is so awesome! No! Oh! Oh, man, they are so dead.
Ah, jeez.
Oh, my god.
Look what they're doin' to our theta! Oh, this is wrong.
I can't believe this.
These guys are so dead.
Oh, really? What?! Come on.
It's not my fault.
Of course it's your fault! The pickles! Nobody can eat that many pickles! It's impossible.
I ate that many pickles! Even more pickles than they did! What is this obsession with pickles, man?! We're a frat! Who cares?! We drink beer! What do you want me to do? Get it back! How am I supposed to do that? I don't care.
Look, the only reason that you're the sage of this frat is because me and ass hair decided that we couldn't do the paperwork.
And if you destroy this frat, I will destroy you.
So get it back.
All right.
All right.
Dude, switch to decaf.
UhYou need some help with that? Oh, no.
That's ok.
Are you sure? I mean, I could help.
I'm surprisingly strong.
Unh! It's ok.
I got it.
Let me carry it.
I can save you some energy.
Just let me carry it! Hey, beautiful.
Is this man bothering you? No, it's fine.
Hey, man.
Step off.
Hey, I was talking to the lady.
Well, now you're talking to me, and I was talking to the lady.
Oh, my god.
Do you guys actually think you can hit on me? I wouldn't hit on you.
I'd love you all night long.
Oh! I was so in.
You was not in.
I was so in.
I can't believe you let this happen.
I mean, those guys were afraid to look me in the eye before, and now they think they can fight over me? I mean, they are so not in my league! Uh, rachel, some of that's my food.
I'm sorry, but it all has to go.
And no more baking.
Ok.
We're sorry, too.
Yeah.
Oh, guys Let's never eat carbs again.
Yeah.
Don't try anything, uh, crazy.
All right? 'Cause you're being watched.
Can I use the binoculars? I'm using them.
We want the theta back, and if you're smart, you'll give it to us.
Will you stop trying to kill us? That's a concession the frat's willing to make.
And will you give us all our furniture back? I'll have to clear that with the elders, but I think I can make it happen.
Then we will return the theta.
Thank you.
Thank you, that's that's a wise move.
If you eat these.
You're high.
Well, then, no theta.
Come on, man.
Look, 2 years ago, there was an incident where I ate so many pickles, I had to go to the hospital.
Well, boo hoo! You made us eat pickles, a lot of pickles.
I'm sorry, man.
It was taint's idea.
I had nothing to do with that.
It was ass hair.
It was totem pole.
It was all those guys! I just say it.
They come up with the stuff.
They tell me that everybody has to eat the pickles.
I mean, I wouldn't want anybody to have to do that.
I swear! Ok, ok.
All right.
Just eat 3 really big ones.
Ok? Fine.
Unh! That's the signal.
That's the signal! Fire in the hole! Ha ha hoo! Yeah! Ooh, baby! Go karp! Go karp! Yeah! Karp! Karp! Karp! Karp! Yeah! I kicked his ass! I kicked his ass! Theta! Theta! Theta! Theta! Theta! Captioned by the national Www.
Ncicap.
Org did you lose your ball? UmYeah.
I did.
Uh, you know, I just hit it, and it just went on the ground, and I'm I'm sorry.
Thank you.