Unnatural History s01e13 Episode Script

Perfect.
I better get extra credit for this.
Hey guys, vote Jasper and I'll keep things jazzy.
Thanks.
Tell the world you love America, vote Jasper.
Hot off the presses.
Gimme, gimme, gimme.
The tubes marked JP are yours.
Do they make me look like a leader? Positively presidential and as you requested they photo mopped out that lazy eye thing.
Not that there's anything wrong with lazy eye syndrome, diversity rules.
Hot off the presses.
How do I look? Positively presidential and as you requested they photo plopped out that laugh line thing.
Photo plopped? Oh I guess I got them mixed up.
Oh that's totally understandable considering how similar the poster designs are.
Anyway Jasper and I don't care who wins because either way.
Smithson wins? Exactly.
Well if that's everything I'm going to go see how I did on my American history exam.
Since when do you care about your grades? Gotta go.
Henry.
Hey uncle B.
Got an email from your parents.
Oh, what happened now? Oh for once nothing but they assured my they'd be here for my party, pardon me.
Being in the spot light even for one night makes me nervous.
The museum should have put you on the board of directors long ago.
Throwing you a reception is the least they can do.
You're right Henry I'm going to make an effort to enjoy being the centre of attention.
Is that you're American History exam? At least this time I got a plus.
Is there a problem with Dr.
Naderson? No Uncle B, she's a good teacher.
The problem is history it's just dates and treaties and guys just wearing the same kind of wig.
You know I have to see something listen to it feel it in my hands that's how I learn.
Assuming you do pass may I ask what you've decided? I haven't, not yet at least.
Regardless of your choice you do have to tell Jasper and Maggie about the pact.
What pact? Ah, this doesn't really involve you Elaine.
This is family business.
If it involves Henry Griffin it most certainly is my business.
Well before I left Butan I made a pact with my mom and dad, if I complete this academic year is good standing I can go back to Asia with them.
As everyone knows I am a kind and gracious person without a petty bone in my body, that said I hope you fail! And miserably! Wow, I didn't know she cared.
A lot of people do.
I promise to tell Jasper and Maggie.
Before your parents arrive? Promise is just a word that arrives too late.
I will not forget.
Good, I'll talk to Dr.
Naderson about extra credit.
She runs an internship at Mount Vernon, exactly your thing.
Really hands on.
Dude it feels like we've scrubbed every brick at Mount Vermin.
Mount Vernon, ancestral home of George and Martha Washington.
Today you are custodians of hallowed grounds so when you scrub you will scrub with enthusiastic elbows.
And when you're done here the necessary house can do with a good spiffing.
Um, excuse me Dr.
Naderson what's a necessary house? And why is it necessary that we clean it? Because you two slackers have failed every quiz and your essays suck eggs.
You want extra credit? You'll earn it.
So where's Barflett and Maggie? They don't need extra credit.
So they're blowing you off? Why would they do that? That's shelf life Griffin, last year I was the new "it" boy.
This year your "it" but the shine wears off everyone sooner or later.
That's disgusting! Two toilets? No seat warmer, no water jets and no deodorant cake.
Well it's pretty modern compared to some places I've lived in the world.
You know I once had to use a Meercat tail to Griffin, save it for someone who's interested about your tale of a tail.
Why are you so mean all the time can't we just work together in peace? You mean like be nice to each other? We've helped each other out of some pretty big holes together before.
Yeah that's true try getting out of this hole! Oh, you're not going to think it's very funny once I get out.
Oh I'm shaking.
Holy dung beetle, there's something down here.
What? What is it? What is it? Bring it up, bring it up.
So what did we find? Looks like an old library book but it's over due by 221 years.
Are you serious? That dude must owe like $100 bucks by now.
Who signed it out? George Washington.
This has to be worth something.
You mean like instant extra credit.
Get back here! Hey! You're such a baby! Hahaha.
You won't catch me Griffin.
Give it back.
NO! Give it back! Leonard let go! Give up.
Let go Leonard! Let go, let go.
Do you know what you have done? You have destroyed something important.
This tree is the last surviving sapling from the last seed from the original cherry tree chopped down by George Washington himself.
Ah, but in class you said that I cannot tell I lie story never ever happened.
It doesn't make it any less of a tourist attraction, unless there's a miracle next week you can say hello to your little F in American history.
Oh, what's this? President Washington, although Mr.
Franklin insisted he had an electrifying way to stop it I trust not kites over the evil minds of men.
Therefore I will sequester the cloud mechanism as I know not whether it be the devils work or god's miracle but should the need arise contained in this volume is the key to the mechanism keep it close.
Ever your servant, Thomas Jefferson.
The cloud mechanism? God's miracle? A miracle, that's just what I need.
Jasper got a minute? Ah, they're expecting me in stats club like now.
Stats? Ýs that the math collective? No, it's sophomores talking about the twilight saga, all girls and hey every vote counts.
I've got like thirty seconds.
Ah actually I've got to talk to you about a few things.
Okay, well I suggest you choosing whichever is less time intensive for me.
Okay, have you ever heard of a eighteenth century machine called the cloud mechanism? There's a note about it right here in George Washington's overdue library book.
You found an overdue library book checked out by George Washington? Henry that's unbelievable.
Hello? Where are my posters suppose to go? Well, why don't you try the teacher's lounge.
Teachers don't vote.
Then why don't you try the ceiling? The ceiling? Better? Marginally.
Great, thank you.
You're welcome.
Are you in a hurry too? I'm meeting with the founder of the 'Stick it to the Man' coalition.
What kind of a group is that? I have no idea but every.
Every vote counts.
I don't suppose you know what the cloud mechanism is? I'm aware of the cold cloud mechanism which transforms ice molecules in süper cooled clouds into vapor diffused water particles.
Um, in English that's a rain making machine? Exactly.
I've got to go but I'll hear all about it later okay.
Sorry honey the revolutionary war is hardly our area of expertise, you are passing that class right? Definitely.
So you'll be coming back with us.
Actually I haven't made up my mind, not 100% completely.
Really, well I suppose I shouldn't say anything specific that might influence your decision.
by not saying your not going to say something specific you just said something specific.
What didn't dad almost not quite tell me? Are you going to Mongolia? Two years and your dream destination, son.
tripping on bones wherever you go.
The place the Oolies call dinosaur dust land that is beastly sick.
Is that good? Oh it's wickedly dopey in it's awesomeness.
I guess that is good.
Alright we'll talk more when we see you tomorrow.
We love you honey and we miss you more than hot water.
Oh and as far as what you found at Vernon don't over think it sometimes it is best to judge a book by it's cover.
A book by it's cover? Seek the pens of the revolution.
Thomas Jefferson author of the Declaration of Independence, pen of the revolution.
Why say pens if it wasn't a clue.
Jefferson's polygraph has two pens.
The doom rooms.
Jasper you won't believe what I just found.
And you won't believe what I just found on votemaggie.
Com, she's claiming that she won the academic decathlon.
Well didn't she? Well yeah as part of a team, this is just unacceptable.
You'll forget all about the election when you see this.
This is a sketch of the cloud mechanism straight from the pens of Thomas Jefferson.
I think its hidden somewhere is the doom rooms.
Uh huh, well I guess technically she's not lying but she is kind of lying by omission you know, that is exactly the kind of thing I can use against her in the debate.
What debate? The election face off, me, Maggie the school quad tomorrow.
By the way what's with your side of the room? What about it? Well it's clean and organized and clean, it's like you don't even live here anymore.
That's something I've been meaning to talk to you about.
Jasper do you think you'd be happier if I wasn't here.
Ah, this is a bad time to ask me deep philosophical questions that require honesty and integrity.
I am after all running for president.
Shop for change, win with Winnock.
Thanks.
So Jefferson's polygraph actually drew that? Incredible isn't it? Yeah it is.
Can I keep this? Sure, it made two copies.
So Naggie, how exactly will you manipulate the system for me? That's Jasper's campaign I plan to fix what's broken like installing low flow shower heads in the locker rooms.
Really? And what are you going to do about the urinal cakes? Well that depends, do you like or dislike them? I'm not sure.
Neither am I, so I can count on your support then? Yeah, like I'd ever vote for Snarklett.
Hunter So you'll help me find the mechanism? Absolutely just as soon as the elections over.
But by then it will be too late to bring up my grade.
Well you know what we can't keep doing everything together Henry sometimes we just have to do our own thing.
So how would you feel if I did my own thing like a far away thing? What's that supposed to mean? If you can spare more than a minute I'll tell you.
Oh that's classy Maggie real classy.
Hunter did it.
Oh and I'm sure you tried real hard to stop him.
What was I supposed to do arm wrestle the pen away from him? Well I don't know maybe you can report him for tagging.
I knew it, he's voting for you.
This is war Winnock! These ledgers date back to came through the doom room doors, back when it was called the national store house.
So what is this extra credit paper about? A secret the founding father kept that no one knows about.
Like the secret your keeping from all your friends? The what? Word on the tweet is that you're transferring to the division of worms.
Brockston I just went up there to sneak some fish bait.
So you're not leaving me? As long as I'm at Smithson High I'm you're intern.
That sounds like you're leaving me.
T.
Jefferson, cloud mechanism.
Of course.
A colonial pop quiz.
I was the first president to live in the white house Hmm, the first president to live in the white house was John Adams.
Actually did my home work.
Not again, when are the girls going to start picking up after the dog.
You said you were going to talk to them.
Michelle it's all over my shoe.
There's a hose over there Barack.
I got it dad.
Just do the face.
Just do the face and keep on doing it.
Hi Aunt Rose, Hi Uncle Dave.
Jasper.
Jasper.
Look at you, you shot up like a bamboo stock.
No time to shower on the ship huh? More like no soap since we left Singapore.
There's my big brother.
Hey! You look great.
Thank you so do you.
We're so proud of you for making board of directors.
Thank you.
Especially if it means more funding for us.
's kidding.
Not really.
Welcome back to civilization.
So where's Henry? Jasper why don't you take that one.
Ahhh well thank you gentlemen I'll take it from here.
Mom, dad, hey! I can't believe your really here.
We're so happy to see you too.
And not through prison bars.
Um were those the secret service that just escorted you home.
Oh that, crazy story.
I got lost and somehow wound up on the White House grounds.
Hmm, somehow? Once the Obama's found out it was a mistake they were totally chill.
Chill? You know, laid back, mellow.
Turns out their oldest kid has allergies so I brewed some tea from the licorice root in the rose garden.
But how did you get on to the White House grounds.
Now that is the crazy part.
Ah hem shut up! Remember that library book I showed you on Icat, that led to Jefferson's polygraph which drew a picture of the cloud mechanism which Ben Franklin built to make clouds or something.
Time out, you two must be exhausted.
Henry why don't you and Jasper take their luggage up to the guest room.
Okay, Uncle B, we can finish this conversation later.
The White House.
Brian? Hmmm? How long have you been protecting us from this sort of behavior? When did he arrive in DC? Hmm.
And I quote, it distracts the public agitates the community, kindles animosity and opens the door for corruption.
Who said this when and why? George Washington, farewell address to congress.
I said it first.
No you didn't.
Vote for me.
Don't vote for her/him.
Save your acrimony for the debate.
And neither one of you answered the last and most important part of the question.
You.
I think Washington was warning us about the dangers of the two party political system.
Perhaps too little too late to save your grade Mr.
Griffin but the answer is never the less correct.
You really embarrassed yourself in there, talking over me.
You under some delusion you're at Christies auction I answered first you're imitative sluggish words followed.
Will you two stop fighting for a second, whoever wins Smithson wins remember? Henry, not everybody can just go with the flow; we all have very specific goals.
Which is on the many admirable things you two have in common.
There's something I need to tell you guys.
If I pass American History my parents will take me with them when they leave to go to Mongolia.
It's the deal I made with them, if I pass all my classes I can leave DC at the end of the year.
What? The whole time we've been living together and you knew you might leave? Well I never thought I would come this close to having the option.
How many hours have Jasper and I spent tutoring you through how many classes? I can't even count.
So you were just using us, that's why you wanted our help to find that cloud machine.
Of course not and I didn't told you guys sooner because I hadn't made up my mind.
It's a tough decision.
That's what best friends are for to help you make those tough choices.
Or at least that's what I thought.
Both of you just leave me alone.
Consider it done.
I didn't think you two would even care so much.
I always had a feeling I was kind of a disturbance to your life force.
Cuz, you may know something about poisonous birds and blinding sap but you know nothing about people and if I'm saying that you don't know anything about people you really must be clueless.
Jasper, Jasper! Griffin, cheer up buddy.
I'm going to do you a solid here.
I'm not in the mood for a solid a liquid or a gas from you Hunter.
Come on bro.
look I know that book you found got you on the trail of something big.
You need help getting the extra credit so why don't we just work together.
Work together, like we did at Mount Vernon? What is that all, is that it? Dude just punch me and we'll be even.
Punch you? Yeah, I don't care, gut groin, chin where ever.
You can do it as hard as you want.
Forget it.
Punch me you wuss, I'm you're only hope your friendless remember? I may be friendless but I can do what I need to do alone.
I never said the nose.
Where did I go wrong? Which one of you is tricking me? Ben Franklin you were never even a president but you did invent the cloud mechanism.
Is my future in this box? Better one death than thousands.
All this for lousy extra credit.
Better one death than thousands.
Oh yes I have big dreams for this school so when opponent says'how', I say how about trying and when she says 'no way' I say let me show you the way.
My opponent has made many promises like bring your mutt to school Mondays and skip a test Tuesdays.
None of there bogus ideas are ever going to happen as class president I will make sure our true needs are addressed.
Bold words from a communist.
From a what? You do speak Russian don't you? Stop! Everybody needs to evacuate here immediately.
Henry what is this about? I think I'm pretty sure I'm nearly positive that in less than three hours something very big is going to explode in the doom rooms.
Henry? And it's in the basement and it's ticking down and I think it might be an atomic bomb and whoever you vote for you're making a great choice okay.
Thank you.
Please vote for me.
Why don't' you tell me what you think it is and then we can Oh no.
Oh no what? It's gone, it's not here, somebody took it.
We sent you here to keep you out of trouble.
Have you been keeping out of trouble Henry? Aside from accidentally breaking into the White House grounds.
Absolutely from a certain perspective.
You said you were definitely passing history, is that true.
Depends on your definition of definitely.
So it's not true.
It will be true, once I get the extra credit that I'm working on.
And you're going to get that by proving the founding fathers built an atom bomb, which you cannot produce.
I said I think it's atomic which my best instincts are telling me it must be.
Oh and would these be the same best instincts that led you to stick your hand in a nest full of killer bees? To get stuck on a Peruvian mountain top, to crash our jeep in Turkmenistan, to wrestle a Liberian crocodile and to try and out run lightening on top of rock? Well pretty much yeah, except you left out a few.
Like the time the Esnuka tribe invited me over for a meal.
Where'd everyone go, let's get this dinner party started.
I guess I forgot to tell you about that one.
Let me and you're mother talk Henry.
Talk, what about? Your future which is as cloudy as today's weather report.
Go to your room, you're grounded.
We'll discuss this as soon as we get back from your uncle's reception.
Growing up you always told me to be myself except this self I turned out to be it seems that nobody likes.
Maggie, Maggie, Maggie, Maggie, Maggie, Maggie, Maggie, Maggie Hey sorry I called all your promises bogus.
Bringing your dog to school day is actually a pretty decent idea.
I'm sorry I called you a commy, right now I'm just more worried about Henry.
Me too.
This whole time we should have been helping him and all we were doing was thinking of ourselves.
I know I've been down here trying to find something to back up s story but I've found nothing.
Well here's something, it's one of the two copies Henry had.
If I wasn't so wrapped up in the election I would have looked at it sooner.
Now I'm no nuclear physicist but apparently Ben Franklin was.
E = mcq? Ouch, so close.
Well sometimes close is enough if we're talking about a bomb.
Go on let me have it I deserve it.
Henry Griffin wallowing in self pity, there's a sight I never thought I'd see.
Or wanna see.
This whole bomb thing only proves I deserve to fail American History.
Like Ben Franklin could have ever invented something like that.
Except apparently he did, your instincts were dead on.
I'm pretty sure the only cloud that thing makes is a mushroom cloud.
You mean I was right? Yeah, that's why Washington feuded that's why he didn't want it.
And why Jefferson dismantled it and buried it beneath the doom rooms.
So where is it now? Still missing.
Does anyone else know about it? Hunter.
Well we have to find him and fast because if what you said is right and that time was set for three hours That means we only have an hour until it detonates.
Wait why did you guys come back for me? Because no matter who we are.
Or where we are, we're still a team.
Where is the cloud mechanism? Get lost Griffin.
I had to go through three skeptic pencils to get my nose to stop bleeding.
Where is it? Dude I have no idea.
What's your problem, besides being raised by monkeys.
He's telling the truth.
You can tell that just by looking at his eyes? Actually no, when people lie their hearts beat faster.
To check his pulse I had to make him stand still.
So now what.
Now you follow me.
Oh Henry, Henry my dear I want you to know that I have set aside my personal feelings and I have done what Brockston has asked me to do.
I have delivered your project from the doom rooms to Dr.
Naderson.
Who am I to stand in the way of Henry Griffin's destiny? Carry on.
Please dad just listen to him for two.
Inside, I know you are all going through the most narcissistic phase of your lives but try to appreciate this night is all about me.
What do you think you're doing? Asking you to have faith in the two words you hate to hear the most, trust me! Henry Griffin, of all people.
Alright.
Oww! The nuclear core is getting hotter.
Wait, wait, wait, fifteen minutes.
Fifteen minutes? That's all we have until this thing blows? Alright, Maggie you always have a brilliant solution to everything.
Not this time.
We're all going to die.
Not if we have each other.
We're like the founding fathers very different people working together to achieve a common goal.
That's a speech not a solution.
We'll solve this with samma samadhi by focusing our collective minds on what we know the answer will follow.
Okay we know Ben Franklin built it and Jefferson unbuilt it.
On orders from Washington according to the note Henry found.
And in that very note: Although Mr.
Franklin insisted he had an electrifying way to stop it I trust not kites over the evil minds of men.
That's it, all we need to stop it is a kite a key and a dark and stormy night.
We're totally gonna make it! Two can play the air duct game.
Run! Open this door! Henry open this door.
Jasper! Henry Griffin! I don't know where Brian is, just go.
Hello Welcome everybody and thank you for being here tonight.
To honour a very special person.
Maggie put the mechanism under the skylight and I mean right under it and do not let anybody move it there's less than ten minutes left, I'm going up stairs but I may need a diversion, the messier the better.
Stall them about Uncle B! And I know he will bring the same steady, reliable and dignified attitude to National Museum Board of Direct HENRY GRIFFIN! Where are you Henry? Henry? Whoa, hahahaha The guest of honour ladies and gentlemen.
Please show the love, show the love.
So dad when you see this out pouring of emotion from all these people what runs through your mind? Oh well Jasper, I can't help thinking about the future and how the consequences of the things we do today impact our lives tomorrow.
Well dad you can be confident that I and all my friends are thinking about everybody's future.
Speaking of futures I love that I I think that you all should be grateful um but that said we should consider the fact that it's possible we may not have a future, like these last moments that we could spend with each other could be gone in five seconds, three seconds, two seconds No, no, no, no! Come on! Yes, yes, yes! So do you have any last words for the crowd, anything you want to say? Less than a minute Yes, my sister was going on about my congenial good nature but there is a yin to my yang and that yin can be very ugly for those who break the rules.
I better get extra credit for this.
Henry! You're grounded! Literally.
No term paper, his homework was always late, he's barely passing Your dad is never going to forgive me for ruining his big night with a lightning bolt.
Better a lightning bolt than an atom bomb.
If it was an atom bomb.
No if about it Jasper.
Dr.
From the atomic energy commission just confirmed the device had a uranium core.
Low grade, primitive but definitely the real thing.
I wonder if saving the museum and everyone in it qualifies for extra credit.
Forget it Henry, no one in the history of Smithsonian has ever shown such a shocking and reckless disregard for authority.
Come on Dad, that's a little harsh he's not.
But Dr.
Naderson believes and I agree that you've demonstrated the very qualities that we cherish in the founding fathers, courage, daring, resourcefulness and an unshakable belief in yourself even when those closest to you are doing the shaking.
Well there are two other people that believed in me.
You have my apology and my congratulations.
You passed.
Hey! Uncle Brian you're not trying to get rid of me are you? What's up cuz? Just thinking about all the things I'm leaving behind.
You can look at them on the plane, your parents are already packing the car.
Your Mongolian is pretty good.
Even her good bye has gotta to be better than mine.
Send us etweety texts whenever you can, you promise? Of course I promise jasper.
Oh, and I made you a cheat sheet for iCat, in case you forget.
I won't forget about anything.
Jasper, Maggie! Hmmmm, I wonder if this is the election results.
No fair.
Welcome to politics.
I got 81 as well.
It's a tie? Uh huh! But there is one s