Whitney s01e13 Episode Script

Whit, don't do this, all right? Taking pictures at a crime scene? It's creepy.
Staring at a lifeless body with dead eyes.
It's going to be fine.
I've shot models before.
Come on, there has to be other jobs out there.
There's not.
Okay? I used to shoot, like, three weddings a month, but people just do not hire photographers anymore.
They just use their iPhone or that hipstamatic thing that makes everybody look like Chloe Sevigny.
It's a really tough time right now.
No, it's been like this for awhile, and I have nothing lined up after this.
Look, you're putting too much pressure on yourself.
Why don't you let me pay your bills - until things pick up? - No.
I mean, thank you.
But I do not want to rely on you.
I don't want us turning into ice-t and coco.
That's actually impossible for several different reasons.
Well, not several.
Just two, in particular.
When I start making money again, that is going to change.
I meant your ass.
Whitney is taped in front of a live, studio audience.
So Hey, Whitney.
Hey.
Thanks for hooking me up with this job.
No problem.
Okay, now the first time you a dead body, it's weird.
So just think of it like a horror movie, except the blood is real and someone's very sad.
Okay, this is dark.
I don't know how you do this.
Yeah, I cry at really weird times.
Aren't you cold, where's your jacket? I rushed out of the house.
I hooked up with this girl last night and I didn't want to talk to her, so I had to sneak out.
Mark, don't be a douche.
She said, "supposably.
" You've got to stop picking up girls at forever 21.
I know.
Uh, so you need to get close-ups of the contusions, the evidence, and the surrounding pavement.
Uch, this is so sad.
How long has this guy been dead, like two weeks? The victim's right over there.
All of the assistants I interviewed today sucked.
I hope I have an assistant one day.
But I have a blog, so that probably won't happen.
There was one guy who was totally qualified, but way too good looking.
I mean, I learned my lesson.
Sue me twice, shame on me.
- Shabbat shalom.
- Hey, Shabbat shalom.
Sorry I'm late.
I was uploading photos I took of a dead guy with no head.
Ooh, are you making a coffee table book? I am not, I was shooting a crime scene for 85 bucks.
Because this is what my career has come to.
It's, like, it's so depressing.
I'm just so sick of the constant hustle and being broke.
Roxanne, don't you know of any job openings? - You mean to be my assistant? - Yeah.
I'll take it.
Hold on, slow down.
You have never even worked in an office before.
It's very intense.
People are competitive and political.
There's lots of back stabbing.
Okay, Roxanne, you don't have to sell me on it.
I said I want the job.
Is this your only option? I mean, are you sure there's nothing else you could do? I used to work at a bar.
No, no, no, I cannot see you in those shorts again.
Okay, fine.
Do you have any experience? Being your assistant? I always make our dinner reservations.
I always pick your karaoke song.
And I gave you all my painkillers after my root canal.
You got the job.
Yes! Wait, is there a drug test involved? - No.
- Yes! [Humming.]
Oh when the saints go marching in Oh, my God.
Jenn, I, uh, I just, uh I just worked a 14-hour shift, and you are right where I left you, in my apartment.
And you are wearing my '88 all-star sweatshirt that you somehow got out of the frame.
I was cold.
Well, so, you probably have plans tonight, and I don't want to keep you, so Aw, you're so sweet, but I'm totally free.
Hey, I was trying to use your computer earlier, but I couldn't figure out which wireless network we're on.
Are you "Netgear," "Nate's coffee," or "balls to the wall"? It's "Nate's coffee.
" There's a one-hour time limit.
Okay, great.
So what do you want to do tonight? It's supposed to rain.
Supposably.
You know, um, I was just going to kick it here.
Because I actually have to get up really early in the morning, so Even better, yeah.
Let's stay in and get cozy-coze on the couch.
We are so on the same page.
Are you a cancer? Nope.
But I think you might be.
Whit, did you make coffee? No, I did not make coffee, because I will be going to my new job today where they have free coffee.
Which you will be making, because you are an assistant.
I will be doing plenty more than that.
Won't I? I mean, I don't know.
I've never had an office job before.
I've only seen the show, The Office, so I can only assume my day will be hilarious.
Are you nervous? About being home alone all day without me here to take care of you? Oh, please.
I'll be fine.
Okay.
All right.
Coffee time.
Time for coffee.
[Whistles.]
Oh.
Where the hell is the coffee? All right, so this is your desk.
Wow.
And this is your chair.
No.
Ah, I am so excited to be working with you.
Me too.
I mean, technically you'll be working for me, but it is going to be fun.
Basically, you will answer the phone, spy on my enemy, and do some filing.
I'm sorry, what was the second one? I have an enemy.
- Okay.
- It's this guy, Craig.
I do the print edition of the magazine, Craig does the online part.
And we don't like the online part.
Okay.
Why? I work on an issue for months, and he uploads something in a day which unravels everything I've been doing.
Like, right now, I'm trying to work on the Valentine's day issue, and I don't have any idea what he's got planned.
So you want me to do a little office recon? Roxanne, spying on guys is, like, my thing.
When we first started dating, Alex almost broke up with me for snooping, and he doesn't even know that I know that.
You can start by spying on his assistant.
- Morning, Lindsay.
- Roxanne.
Hi.
No.
[Phone rings.]
Hey, I'm working right now.
Yeah, I'll probably be here late tonight.
Big kiss.
Bye.
Is that your boyfriend? Girlfriend.
Oh, cool.
I'm gay too.
I know.
You know, we should grab a drink sometime.
Oh, you're not my type.
No, sorry.
I meant just as friends.
Still not my type.
You know, I was thinking, like, maybe just as co-workers.
You know, we could talk about work stuff, and, you know, what we're working on for the Valentine's day thing or I'm not physically attracted to you in that way.
I'm really sorry.
I don't get the whole thing, I don't Oh, okay.
Um, no, I was just You don't have to worry, because I actually have a girlfriend, so Her name's Alex, you know.
Long hair, wears a lot of flannel, doesn't really shave much.
Okay, you're not going to stop talking until I agree to get drinks with you? Oh, I'm sorry.
My mouth just doesn't stop.
Maybe you are my type.
Hey.
Found a waffle iron.
Great, why are you making waffles in the middle of the afternoon? No, I'm not.
I'm just trying to figure out where Whitney keeps everything.
It took me 20 minutes to find the coffee filters this morning.
This used to be my place.
I used to know where everything was.
And now I find tampons where I used to keep my winter gloves.
I know, when lily and I moved in together, it took me forever to find my dart board.
- Oh, where'd she put it? - The trash.
Yo.
I am in a code red situation, man.
Jenn turned our one-night stand into a two-day stay.
So I told her that I have hockey practice tonight.
And she didn't get the hint.
Well, your excuse is too short-term.
There's a clingy girl in Ohio who thinks I'm dead.
Clingy's the worst, that's the problem.
She's super hot, but the second you start acting needy, I'm done.
And I need to handle this very carefully, because I don't want to see this girl cry.
Yeah, a girl crying is the worst.
That's one of the things I love about Whitney.
She ran out of tears a long time ago.
Well, now I can't go down there for another three hours.
I'll get rid of her for you.
Really? Oh, man, that would be great.
What are you going to say? I don't know.
I'll think of something.
All right, good luck.
Be careful down there.
Mark, you're coming with me.
Oh, man.
Hey.
I'm telling you, "died in a car crash" works.
As long as you don't mind passing a shrine to yourself on the exit ramp where it supposedly happened.
Okay, that's spooky.
Hey.
How was practice? You know, it got cancelled.
There was a Zamboni, uh This is my friend, Alex.
Hey, I've heard a lot about you.
Hey, listen.
Jenn, uh, our apartment is, uh, getting fumigated, and actually Whitney and I were supposed crash the night here.
Oh, no problem.
You can have the bed and we'll sleep on the couch.
It, uh, folds out.
It does? Yes, silly.
Make yourself at home, Al.
[No audio.]
So, Jenn, um, listen, uh, this is technically mark's apartment, so Is that Marley & Me? Yeah, there's only 20 minutes left.
Marley's sick.
Oh, no.
He's going to be okay, right? Oh, yeah.
Oh, my God.
I just got a text from all the hotels.
I guess that there are some rooms available actually, so, uh, I'm going to stay there.
Okay, I'll help you pack.
Am I talking a lot? 'cause my friends say that when I drink too much I talk a lot.
So am I talking a lot? No.
What were you saying about the Valentine's day issue? Oh, yeah, Sharon and I have a lot of issues about Valentine's day.
First of all, I look horrible in red, and she's a cutter.
Oh.
So tell me about Craig.
What do you guys have planned for the Valentine's day feature? And feel free to be as specific as you were when you described your first sexual encounter.
Well, Craig never stops.
He's a real workaholic.
What about Roxanne? Uh, she's more of a Alcoholic.
Oh.
Yeah, that's what happens when you're in denial about your sexuality.
No, Roxanne is definitely straight.
She sleeps with a lot of dudes.
Oh, well, me too.
I slept with so many dudes in the '90s, my vagina opened for pearl jam.
Oh, there is Craig again.
He keeps e-mailing me from the office.
Oh, he's at the office now? Yeah, he practically lives there.
I mean, this guy could take a shower in a sink like a $15 prostitute.
Well, to whores.
Love them.
Knock, knock.
Craig? Hi, I'm Whitney.
Did I, by any chance, leave my cell phone charger in your office? Have you ever been in my office? What? Have you ever been in my office? Oh, no.
I just ate, I'm good.
So But, yeah, no, I'm just Roxanne's had me working like crazy on this Valentine's day thing, so Great, because mine is a complete disaster.
I'm trying to do a layout using old photos of couples around from around Chicago, and it's just not coming together.
Why is she leaning on him like that? Did she just get shot? Because if she's not bleeding to death, she needs to get some self-respect.
Exactly, they're all so sappy.
I don't know what to do with them.
Look at that guy.
Is he kissing her or blowing her up? Wait, wait, what about this couple drinking champagne.
Oh, you mean the girl getting roofied? You have a real knack for slamming things most people like.
Oh, yeah.
Well, my dad had a secret family.
I would like a raise.
Day two, 20 minutes late, pretty aggressive.
I was in Craig's office last night, and I found out that his Valentine's feature sucks.
He said it himself.
Wow.
Mm-hmm.
I'd hug you right now, but I don't want to get up.
Whitney.
I've been waiting for you.
My Valentine's feature went up five hours ago.
It's already got more hits than any other thing we've ever done.
All because of you.
- What? - What? I used your funny comments and put them as captions for all the photos.
It worked perfect.
"Is he trying to blow her up?" Still gets me.
Good job.
- Why did you help him? - I didn't mean to.
It was an accident.
I went in there I was just being obnoxious.
I was just I was being fun Whitney, hilarious captions.
Okay, look.
Me, Sharon.
You, Alex.
Palm Springs, bring your bulldogs.
Why would you help Craig? I didn't.
I saw his dumb photos, and I said the first mean thing that came to my head.
Look how big my mouth is.
I can't keep track of what's going in and out of this thing.
Whit, I was trying to help you out by giving you a job.
I asked you to get me information to help me get ahead of him and you managed to help him get further ahead of me.
Okay, I didn't mean to.
I was just it was an accident.
I was trying to help you, and Craig started talking No, no, I don't care what Craig was talking about.
He's not my friend.
You're my friend.
Come on, Roxanne.
Thong.
So all of this is because you found a waffle iron under the sink? Yeah, everything is in the wrong place.
All right? I found the batteries with the "thank you" cards.
Um, what? This whole place is like a yard sale.
That's what women do.
They hide your stuff.
To trick you into thinking that you need them.
Yeah.
Wait.
Yeah.
For thousands of years, women have been organizing our homes with no rhyme or reason.
Today, that crap ends.
All right, this is a system that I created that organizes everything in our homes according to logic.
Everything is numbered in order of importance.
One is for the things I use the most, like bottle openers.
And then flannel shirts.
Ten is for the things I use the least.
Like razors.
And condoms.
See, we're guys.
We are problem solvers, that's what we do.
Come on, mark.
Let's get this over with.
I got lily to get rid of Jenn for me.
Problem solved.
You are never supposed to tell a woman the truth.
That's, like, the first thing you learn as a man.
Why do all men think all women are just crazy, emotional, needy basket cases? Stop yelling at me.
Okay, can we go? There you are.
Jenn, I have something that I need to tell you.
This is my wife, lily.
She just got out of the hospital.
Oh.
Yeah, she was going to die.
But then she didn't, and, you know, I fell for you, - but now she's back and - Mark, shut up.
Jenn, mark doesn't want to date you.
You are beautiful and lovely, but he just isn't interested.
Mark, why didn't you just tell me? I have a rare disorder of the throat.
It doesn't allow me Mark.
You could have asked me to leave instead of wasting my time.
Casserole's ready in 30.
Yeah.
So nice meeting you.
So nice to meet you.
Cute as a button.
- Wow.
- Yeah.
That was amazing.
She did not freak out.
She didn't cry.
She really took it like a champ.
She's not a needy girl at all.
And now she's gone forever.
Gosh, I wonder what she's doing right now.
She's probably in the elevator.
I think I made a terrible mistake.
Ah, I was just mocking this guy, and I ended up hurting Roxanne.
I feel terrible.
Look, Whit, it's not your fault.
You know, you're just You're really good at being mean to people, and it's about time we started cashing in on it.
[Knock at door.]
Oh, it's Roxanne.
Hey, are you in one of those "yell at each other" girl fights or "nice to each other" girl fights? [Loud knocking.]
I think it's a "yell at each other" one.
Hey, Whit.
Can you get the door? I'm stuck in the bathroom.
- I'm so sorry.
- You know what? No actually - I'm telling you - Hang on, just let me You know what? I'm your boss.
I'm sorry I yelled at you.
I get kind of competitive with Craig because I'm paranoid that magazines are just going to become obsolete.
And I am way too tired to learn a new skill.
I can't even get my kindle out of the box.
I know how you feel.
I got replaced by an app that costs $1.
99.
Now I know how porn stars felt when teenage sluts bought webcams.
Look, if we're going to be working together, I don't want anything to mess up our friendship.
Are we still going to work together? Because, God, it was so nice to have a real job, you know, with my own desk, my own chair, my own lesbian.
But I'm really sorry that I wrote those captions.
What? Don't be.
Those were great.
Really? It was kind of cool to be good at something after failing for so long.
Well, good, because you're going to be there for awhile.
I mean, I got to keep you on so I can steal your ideas too.
Really? - Yes.
- Thank you.
Yeah, okay, okay.
That's enough of that.
Let's have a glass of wine to celebrate.
And two more, because life's just too long.
I'm not getting fired, which means on Friday I'm getting my first paycheck.
So I am well on my way to a "b" cup.
And I'm well on my way to getting into trouble for however I respond to that.
I'm just glad that I'm not going to be dependent on you.
Oh, well, you know, it's ironic that you think that, because I realized that I'm actually kind of dependent on you.
I couldn't find anything in here without you, so I reorganized everything in a more logical way.
Hey, Whit, why is your birth control in the fridge? It's with the eggs.
Logic.
See, I'm not just a pretty face.
Moron.
This is my girlfriend, Alex.
Hi.
Petite redhead.
Interesting.
- It's nice to meet you.
- Good pull.
Yeah, this is my girl.
That is confusing.
Okay, uh, not only are you two not lesbians, I just stopped being a lesbian.
Thanks.