Worst Week s01e13 Episode Script

You want to do something naughty? Ma'am, you've got to stop calling me.
I told you I'm married.
You should stop by here on your way home from work.
Weren't your parents expecting for dinner? - Screw my parents.
- Okay.
No, they've been great letting us stay with them.
But they're cramping our style.
And I'm tired of being quiet and on good behavior all the time.
Good night, leanor.
Jeez, Eleanor.
Mel, I really don't love being shouted at.
- Sorry.
- That eleanor is skittish.
Yeah.
But she's the best receptionist we have ever had.
Anyway, come on by.
I have something in mind that would make my mother cry.
- So hurry up? - I am hurdling a file cart as we speak.
That was higher than I thought.
I have one more thing to get.
So if I'm not here when you get here, just make yourself comfortable in the exam room.
I've gotten it ready.
I like the sound of that.
Honey? Dr.
Clayton? I have a dawg here that needs examining.
D-A-W-G.
Dam.
It's just me, Mel.
I forgot my blackberry.
- Oh my god! Oh, god.
- I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
I dn't know anyone was here.
I'm so sorry.
Sam? What what? Why are you naked? I didn't know she was gonna be here.
I thought we were gonna do naughty things that would make your mother cry.
I was talking about having dessert before dinner.
You really gotta spell that stuff out for me, honey.
-= 113 =- " The Puppy " VO By : ¤AkaZab¤ Subs-Addicts" [Sub-way.
fr.]
It's a receptionist at a veterinary office.
So it's just, you know, answering phones, running charges, and light bookkeeping.
And beekeeping.
You know, see, if you specialized in veterinary temps, you'd think that was funny.
I can't believe that sweet, little Eleanor just quit on you.
- No notice? No reason? - None that I know.
- Well, I think it's awful.
- What is? Mel was just telling us about how Eleanor quit.
You told 'em I was naked in your office? Good.
Good.
Good.
Good.
Dinnertime.
Anyway, I don't know what I'm gonna do.
I really need someone to cover my desk tomorrow.
Especially tomorrow.
We have our first Birth class at lunchtime.
Birth class? Well, what happens if you fail? They don't let you have the baby? It's different now, dad.
They teach your partner how to be a great Birth coach.
I can't wait.
I wanna get in there, get my hands wet.
For god sakes.
Dick, Dick, come on.
Sam's excited.
I think it's sweet.
Times have changed, old-timer.
Men, they actually.
they go to Birth classes.
They help around the house.
Sam saw the sex and the city movie twice.
You know, it's actually Kinda cute.
God, I wish you could come and work for me tomorrow.
I would be a good veterinary receptionist.
Hey, why don't you ask I bet she'd be great.
Oh, my god, you would be great.
Would you? You don't want me.
I've never worked in an office a day in my life.
Mom, are you kidding me? You'd be perfect.
You know, as thrilling as that sounds, I couldn't do that to your father.
Tomorrow is his day off and we have a list of chores a mile long.
When we do the chores, he reads the paper and I do the cooking, the cleaning, and the ironing.
And I'm just i'm afraid nothing would get done.
Nonsense.
I'd be fine.
If you want to work - work.
- Well, well, I'm in.
Could you hurry? I don't want to keep my new boss waiting.
I'm trying.
I just.
- I'm not very good with Jewelry.
- Here, you know what, give it to me.
- I am good with Jewelry.
- Thank you, Sam.
Mom, you look amazing.
But, what are you dressing for? Most of my patients are cats with Diarrhea.
No matter.
In my mind, I'm Jane Fonda in nine to five.
There you go, Jane.
See it's actually very easy.
There's a little latch there.
And you go Oh, god, I am so excited.
Candy, our office dog, might have her puppies today.
Puppies! Are you sure you're gonna be okay? I'll be fine.
I was gonna make a chicken.
I'll do that.
Angela, don't worry about me.
Okay, bye, dad.
Bye, dad.
We're not doing that yet.
- Okay, see you, babe.
- Love you.
Hey.
How's it going? I'm having the time of my life.
Now, I have to admit, the bracelet was a mistake.
I got horribly tangled in a Ihasa apso.
I just hope that your father's managing all right.
Sam, there's someone here to see you.
Dick, what happened? I locked myself out.
Took a cab here.
Jeez.
I expected you to have hard day.
I just thought I thought you'd ease into it.
Well, why why are you here? Why didn't you call Angela? I don't want her to think I'm helpless.
You're wandering around in your pyjamas.
I think it's a little late for that.
- Don't poke the bear, Sam.
- Understood.
- What, what do you need me to do? - Well, first, pay my cab fare.
And then, go to Mel's office, sneak Angela's keys out of her purse, - make a copy, and bring it back to me.
- All right.
Sounds a bit easy though.
I'll have to find a way to jazz it up.
Don't jazz it up.
Just bring me the key.
Would you look at his beautiful dog? Don't let her looks deceive you.
Chows are like sorority girls.
They're fluffy, but mean.
And would you look at that handsome gentleman.
Hey, babe.
What are you doing here? Do I need a reason to visit my lovely wife? So sweet.
Or to see how her lovely mother is doing on her first day at work.
She's doing great.
Doesn't Miss a Trick.
That doesn't surprise me at all.
Come back.
I have a packet of stuff for the Birth class - I meant to give you.
- All right.
Snacks.
Yeah.
For dogs.
Here's the Birth packet.
Thank you.
See, I wish the lights were down like this when Eleanor saw me naked.
It's a lot more forgiving.
I think Candy's about to have her puppies.
Should be any minute now.
Lookin'good there, Candy.
Where's the dad? Sensitive topic.
It's pretty cool? It's gonna be me soon.
I mean, you know, with fewer boobs and not in a box.
Melly, we have an emergency.
Someone brought in a cat that swallowed a canary.
And yes, it looks exactly as you'd imagine.
- Okay.
I'm coming.
- Okay.
Here comes the first one.
Good luck, girl.
- Can I stay and watch? - Yeah, if you want.
If I want.
You're so blase.
This is the miracle of life, honey.
She's so jaded, she doesn't see the beauty in this.
What is that? Oh, my god, that's a lot of fluid.
Dude.
Oh, god, what is that? Is that the thing? Is that it? Sorry, Candy.
I am sorry.
I did not expect that.
And I got it all over the little guy.
I'm so so and there's more.
I told him, your lawyer comes in front of me again he's gonna be wearing a cup.
How you doing? I'm doing great.
Hey, what's the matter with you? You - You didn't get the key.
- No, I did.
Sorry.
Yeah.
Here.
There you go.
Made a copy of it.
Put the original back in her purse.
And I want you to take $80 for the cab ride home and my phone in case you need it.
Well, thank you, Sam.
So I'll see you.
And some free creamer.
He's so cool.
- Why are you all green? - Am i? Cause I went to my wife office to get a key I saw a puppy being born, and I puked on it.
- You puked on a puppy? - All over its cute little face, dude.
And I don't know why.
I think I might know.
Dennis is here today eavesdropping.
All right, I'll bite.
Why did I puke on a puppy? - 'cause Birth is gross.
- No, that's not why.
But thank you.
This particular puppy Birth was very graphic in its nature, and it surprised my stomach.
I was not expecting it.
But it's gonna be very different when it's my wife.
It's gonna be about a million times worse.
Believe me.
I've had three kids.
Imagine that puppy you saw, but without the cute, floppy ears, shooting out of your wife on a raft of mucus.
No, that you know what, that is a total cliche that men can't handle Birthing stuff.
And I'm not buying it.
I'm loving every second of this pregnancy.
And I'm looking forward to it.
- We're taking the birthing classes.
- I took those.
They make you feel a whole lot better.
Especially the movies.
I remember one in particular.
It's seared onto my brain.
- Kathy's Birth.
- Kathy's Birth.
That sounds familiar.
- We're watching that this afternoon.
- You poor bastard.
It's from the'70s, so they trick you into laughing at it, with the groovy music and the fringe vests.
But then Kathy starts to push and it's Omaha beach.
- I gotta look that up online right now.
- I'm not seeing that again.
I found it.
- This is it.
- Oh, man, look at this It's coming.
It's coming.
Have a nice class.
We got some fluid.
I need some towels.
Okay.
Bye, mom.
I'm off to meet Sam at our Birth class.
I'm so excited.
I have, like, 1,000 questions.
Why are you reapplying? Vanessa from the dermatologist's office invited me to the mall to eat chicken wraps and get our blackberry's blinged.
Do you know what it means to bling a blackberry? No, but it sounds delicious.
Any more questions? Any questions from somebody other than Mel? Well, okay, Mel.
Well, I heard that it's possible during childbirth - for a woman's rectum to fall out.
- Honey, no, no.
That's an old wives'tale.
That's an old wives'tale, guys.
Well, you know, Sam is right.
It is an old wives'tale told by a bunch of wives whose rectums fell out.
But don't worry, ladies.
They can be sown back in.
Okay, we are just about out of time.
So I'm gonna say let us get to the moment we've all been waiting for.
Kathy's Birth.
- Great.
- I'll be right back.
- Where are you going? - I just need to go stretch my legs.
But, Sam, I want us to watch this together.
- Right.
I do too.
I'll just - Come on.
Why isn't plug that in for me.
Let me do this.
Yeah, all right, we're good to go.
Four years of A/V club paying off.
Yeah, nothing.
You, sure we're plugged in over there? - Yeah, we're good on my end.
- No, you're not.
- I can see the plug in your hand.
- Look at that.
Must've fallen out.
- Into your hand? - Yeah, into my hand.
All right, think I'll just bypass the quantum valve go right into the 46.
All right.
Are you okay? Yeah, I'm in heaven.
We're about to see Kathy's Birth.
And here we go.
Because we're running a little bit late, I think I'm just gonna go ahead and fast forward to the crowning.
Now, I have to warn you, this part can get a little hairy.
And it's from the'70s so I mean that in every way.
I want you all to also excuse the tracking weirdness.
It's just an old tape.
You know what, I can handle those tracking issues for you.
It's okay.
It was one of my field of expertise back in my old club days.
- But it's okay.
- They used to call me the track star.
- What? - First what we gotta do is.
A little v-hold adjustment might be in order.
That's making it worse.
And you know what, I'm just gonna eject it right now.
- Just breathe for this.
- Because one of the things you need to look at is sometimes you get dust buildup on your tape.
And you don't want that to happen.
Because that's gonna cause both a vertical hold situation and - You know what, it's fine.
- Yeah, it's fine, dude.
- No, it's not fine, doug.
- It's fine.
Please.
We need to look.
Just I've you know, I've got it.
You can just go ahead and - sit down.
Go ahead and sit down.
- Good job, doug.
Sorry, guys.
I'm really so Jeez.
Sorry.
I'm really sorry, honey.
It's okay.
I was just hoping that seeing an actual Birth might answer a lot of my questions.
You're a vet, honey.
You see Births all the time.
Humans are different.
I'm bummed too.
I was looking forward to it.
Why don't you come tonight then? I have another class at 8:00.
It's full, but we can stretch.
Like a perineum slathered in almond oil.
Great.
We'll be there.
- Right? - Thank you for that invitation.
Thank you.
You're calling me? - Put Sam on.
- It's my dad for you.
You made me the wrong key, Jackass.
Honey, I'm heading out for the day.
Vanessa from next door and Donna, the optometrist's assistant from upstairs, invited me to get a drink and gab about man troubles.
You're quite the working girl.
Where'd you get those big hoop earrings? I found these at a kiosk.
- Is it too much? - No, they're great.
You should get them for all the supremes.
Honey, you know, seeing you in action, I just have to tell you, I am so impressed.
You take everything in stride.
You're having a baby in a couple of months and you're so calm.
Well, I can't take all the credit.
Sam, he really relaxes me.
I know.
And he's so attentive to your needs.
- Either that or he's a Damn good liar.
- What does that mean? I'm teasing.
I'm teasing.
I think Vanessa's Rubbing off on me.
She has a real distrust of men.
And it's earned, of course.
You know, clyde, he was a meth-head.
And Carl, he stole her refrigerator.
- Night-night.
- Okay, night, mom.
So what else can I help you with? Sam, I'll say it again.
I don't need your help.
I didn't need help turning on the shower.
I didn't need help getting dressed.
I can take care of myself.
- That looks - Amazing.
My wife wants chicken, I make chicken.
I underestimated you, sir.
You, you You are a modern man like me.
So does that mean that soon I'll be avoiding my birthing classes too? What? What are you talking about? That's crazy.
I'm not avoiding.
I'm just, you know, taking my own sweet time.
- How did you know that? - I don't know.
I just Kinda thought that you were stalling when I came out of the shower and you were there holding my robe open for me.
It's a long story.
I just don't want.
I threw up on a puppy.
I just don't want to go to this thing.
It's there's gonna be movies and touchy-feely It's just I have to go, don't i? Part of being a man, modern or otherwise, is knowing what your wife wants.
Whether it's going to work and getting out of her way or staying home and making a chicken.
So you tell me.
What does Mel want? You're right.
You're right.
The chicken thing.
No, theer, the other thing, right.
Thanks for this talk.
It's good.
More.
Partners, don't be afraid to really massage those neck muscles.
'cause hours of pushing makes for some pretty tight shoulders.
And loose vaginas.
Hey, baby.
I'm here for ya.
- Who the hell are you? - My god.
No, no.
I'm so sorry.
It wasn't it was wrong wife.
It was the wrong wife.
I wasn't doing have you seen my real wife? Okay, god.
Okay, sorry.
I wasn't Honey.
What's going you weren't answering your phone.
I was very worried.
Your dad had no idea where you were.
I tried calling your mom.
But it was very loud in that bar.
I couldn't hear a thing.
I'm hiding.
- What? - Well - I'm starting to get scared - About what? About what it's gonna be like when this baby comes out of me.
What if I poop on the table? You don't come back from something like that.
I didn't know that even happened.
But it's okay.
I don't know.
And the only thing that's keeping sane about all of this was you and how supportive you are.
But then my mom.
And she didn't even mean to but she got it in my head that you're.
That you're only acting this way.
That you're pretending to want to go to these classes because I really want to go.
And that deep down, you're really freaking out.
Wait.
She managed to put all that in your head accidentally? She's very good.
Are you freaking out? I really just want to know the truth.
- Not at all.
- Really? - No way.
- Thank god.
- You know what I want to do right now? - See me naked on that exam table again? - I want to go to that class.
- You sure? I don't know if the okay.
I'm worried about Candy.
She smells like vomit.
Bear down, it's okay.
Just bear down.
- Is he here? - Crosby's here.
Boy, this really is the'70s.
Even the baby has sideburns.
That's blood.
I don't think I needed to see that.
No.
Well, the point is, we watched it.
We're fine.
Jimmy, cool it on the bongos.
Get the tupperware.
I think the placenta's coming.
- Let's get out of here.
- Yeah.
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