2 Broke Girls s01e14 Episode Script

[Bell ringing.]
Pick up chicken breasts.
The way I know you want it, with the bone in.
We really should hold a seminar about sexual harassment in the workplace.
Why? He's already so good at it.
I'm serious.
How'd he like it if we did that to him every time we ordered? Well, let's find out.
Ordering.
[Rings bell.]
One pastrami.
Can you do me a favor, doll-face? Make it so big and thick, you can't get your mouth around it.
Can you do that for me? Yes, and two matzo ball soups, hold the balls.
Wait, I'll hold the balls, you just sit there and look pretty.
And a cream of nope, can't.
Just grossed myself out.
When is it going to get dirty? [Indie rock music.]
Max, come out.
If I came out, it would not be for you, it's be for that hot dragon tattoo girl.
Welcome, board members, to the very first financial assessment meeting of Max's homemade cupcakes.
I was told there would be a cheese plate.
After five months in business, we're showing a profit of $725.
I have to say, I'm a little disappointed.
Really? 'Cause, dude, we have so far exceeded where I thought we'd be in five months.
Look, we have to find a way to make more money on the side to put into the business.
Or we could quit now, while we're a success.
What are you talking about? It's only gonna get worse.
Or it could get better.
Why would you even say that? Because it's life, and life gets worse, that's what it does.
On life's resume, under special skills it says, "good at making things worse.
" - Do you always go to the worst-case scenario? Yup.
On my resume it says, "good at going to the worst case scenario.
" Do you think you could try to be more optimistic, and not expect the worst all the time? [Banging at the door.]
Who's that? More optimistic, right? On the other side of that door is all the money you lost, and then we move back into your townhouse, and I masturbate in your tub for a change.
It was twice, and you could have knocked.
Who is it? Detective James, NYPD.
Wait, don't open it! Don't open it! Oh, smoked it tuesday.
Open.
Sorry to bother you, miss.
Do you live in this apartment? I'm gonna tell you right now, officer, our names aren't on the lease.
We're an illegal sublet with no place else to go.
Please, mercy.
Sorry, officer, it's her first raid.
Relax, the landlord didn't send me.
- [Sighs.]
- What do you know about the tenant who lives in the apartment directly above you? His name is Lou.
Leo? Saul? Am I even close? His name's Nirham Chaduri.
Oh, man, I wasn't even on the right continent.
Is that Nirham Chaduri? Been dead for two weeks.
Lived alone, nobody knew.
Cats eat his face? Max, could you please not be so dark? Kittens eat his face? What? I'm just trying to put a more positive spin on things.
Where are you going with that? That's my good China with huckleberry hound on it.
I'm making a "hello" cupcake plate for our neighbors across the hall.
Oh, no, you're not.
It's weird not to know your neighbors.
No, it's weird not to know your father, but by the time you're four, you get over it and move on.
This is a mistake.
Who knows what's lurking behind that door? Yes, something awful, like nice people, who might look out for us, or say, "hello," in the hallway when they see you.
No matter what comes out of there, I will not be "hello-ing" it up in the hallway.
You got lucky.
Get back in here.
Who is it, please? - Caroline, your next-door neighbor.
Hi.
Uh, is this a bad time? Not at all.
One sec.
Hi.
I just wanted to introduce myself and my roommate, Max.
There, and give you these cupcakes.
That is so nice.
Well, it's the leash least least I can do.
Well, I gotta go.
Well, if we ever get a dog, we know who can walk it.
[Music thumping.]
- Listen.
- I know.
It's only been a few days, and somebody's already moved in upstairs.
And they are playing music! Music is coming through the floor into my ears.
I blame you for this.
When you knocked on that door across the hall, you might have opened a portal to hell.
There, you hear the devil music? I think it's the bee gees.
Exactly.
[Heavy thumping.]
And walking! Walking and music, we have to stop this right now.
It's 10:00, people are allowed to walk and play music.
Your lack of apartment knowledge is really starting to piss me off.
We have to show him right now not to screw us.
I need paper.
- What are you doing? I mean, besides over-reacting? Writing a threatening note.
If we don't shut this down now, next thing you know, someone's having an academy awards party in your living room.
Is that what you want? Strangers passing out mini Oscar statues that say, "best nachos?" "I have an unregistered gun and can shoot you through the floor"? You're coming in really hot, Max.
We're not giving him this.
It'll start a bad dynamic between us.
God, how I miss the quiet, dead indian guy.
Okay, we're gonna hit and run.
Oh, you mean "run," literally.
Shh, listen.
[Music thumping.]
Reading the note, freaking out [Music stops.]
Music off, problem solved.
Respect! Never doubt, never doubt.
[Heavy footsteps.]
Crossing the floor to the door, [door slamming.]
Closing the door, [footsteps.]
Coming down the stairs, [pounding at the door.]
What do we do? Move? [Pounding at the door.]
[Pounding at the door.]
What's he look like? He's got his finger over the peephole.
[Chuckles.]
Okay, game on.
Back up! This is my building, I've got to take it back.
- Max, this is life, not call of duty: Modern warfare 3.
Move.
What is meaning of this horrible, horrible note? Oh, you're not a man? What kind of question is this? Do I look like a man? No, but you clump around up there like a man.
Max, please.
Did you write this horrible, horrible note? I did.
First day in my new home and I'm given this horrible, horrible note, with threats.
Well, they're not actually threats.
"I will gut you like a hog.
" To be clear, I only skimmed the note.
Everything was happening so fast.
Listen, we've obviously gotten off to a bad start.
Please come in.
Why would I want to come in with you horrible, horrible ooh, cupcake land.
Ooh.
Yes, we have a cupcake business.
We're just starting, but doing well.
Max is the baker.
Say hello, Max.
I know people in the mob.
That's Max, and I'm Caroline.
You are? Sophie Kuchenski.
Is that a polish accent I'm detecting? Yes.
I visited Warsaw once, I love it.
Oh, 'cause I hate it.
Rats and pimps.
Why have you not yet offered me cupcake? It's the least thing you can do, after horrible, horrible note.
Oh, sure.
Chocolate or vanilla? Yes.
Why such sourpuss? Sorry about that.
It's just, we work long hours at the neighborhood diner, and Max has another job as well, and then she comes home and she has to make the cupcakes.
Mmm.
So good.
Mmm.
How could someone so angry make something so sweet? She's not always like this.
I'm usually like this, just ask the previous tenant.
Oh, wait.
You can't.
You know, you two girls are like these cupcakes.
One is dark and heavy and one is light and fluffy.
I prefer the fluffy one.
Well, I think we've made our point.
No music, no clumping, I'll shoot you through the floor, thanks for stopping by.
[Laughs.]
I'm so glad we can joke with each other already.
Sorry about the note, can we start ov you have the chanel allure lip gloss? Yeah.
Mm, you know the chanel? Know? Love.
I can't afford it any more.
Oh, take one.
I got handfuls in my bag.
[Gasps.]
Really? Oh, that's so nice.
Both: Ahh.
Hey.
[Both moaning.]
Hey! Hey! Do I have to put you on a leash? Hey, we start again.
You take a chanel, and I take more cupcakes to go.
Oh, sure.
Yes.
[Muffled thumping techno music.]
I knew it.
Bitch played us for cupcakes.
It's 3:00 A.
M.
Why are you dressed? Never took off my clothes, 'cause soldiers don't.
We have to be ready when the enemy attacks.
Okay, you were right, I was wrong.
Why do you have the broom? 'Cause I ran out of finger bullets.
Wait, you're gonna fall.
I can't believe we have a broom.
All this time I've been sweeping with an us weekly.
I knew this would happen, but I didn't say anything, 'cause you were all, "Max is the worst-case scenario.
" Well, we showed weakness and now, look.
And by "we," I mean "you.
" Deal with this, cupcake thief! Yeah, one more time, and hard.
Okay, now she broke our house.
We're in a war.
She wants a piece of me, she's gonna get it.
Where are my heels? I mean, who did she think I am? Someone she can just buy off with a tube of chanel? Well, your legs did kind of snap back over your head pretty quick when she offered it.
[The bee gees' more than a woman.]
[Chatter and squealing.]
I thought you were man with pizza.
[Chatter and laughter.]
You have a porch swing in there.
You have an electric cigarette.
What is it you two girls want? Uh, I forgot.
Just so thrown by the swing and the everything.
Oh, you're taking advantage of us by still playing that music after we talked.
You two are harshing my marshmallow.
So I'm gonna have to call my friend the landlord tomorrow and tell him about the horrible, horrible note.
Mmm.
[Muffled thumping techno music.]
Oh, my God, she's a hooker.
I've been using a hooker's lip gloss.
She's not a hooker.
Oh, good.
She's too old, she's a madame.
You've been using an old hooker's lip gloss.
Max, look, my lip.
Is this something? I feel like I'm getting one.
For the last time, you cannot get a herpes breakout in under ten hours.
- You're right, now I'm jumping to the worst-case scenario.
Maybe her lip gloss wasn't a herpes breeding ground.
Maybe she's not a prostitute.
Maybe those young girls weren't being held there against their will.
Yeah, maybe she just has sleepovers with women on swings in the their nighties.
You know, like people do.
Welcome to Williamsburg diner.
How many in your party? What kind of question is this? One, I am my own party.
I take booth.
Now, now, who is that over there? Our new upstairs neighbor.
Earl, does she look like a prostitute to you? Well, I don't like to judge a book by its cover, but if she was a book, she'd be the kind that other books pay for sex.
Sophie just came in, Earl thinks she's a hooker, and now my lip is feeling very courtney love.
I invited her here for a free meal, we have to make this work out for us.
Last night, she threatened to call her "friend," the landlord, and that can never happen.
We're illegal tenants, and I'd rather have a noisy roof over my head than no roof.
[Scoffs.]
Let me do the talking.
You're too upset, and you might say something insulting.
Like what? "Hi, thanks for the lip gloss "and the series of uncomfortable conversations with every lover I'll have for the rest of my life.
" You don't need to tell them, they'll figure it out eventually.
Hi, thanks for coming in.
I like the uniforms.
You fill out the front nicely, and you with no boobs, short-short skirts.
Smart girls.
Uh, we just wanted to offer you a free dinner, as our way of apologizing.
So are you ready to order? What kind of question is this? Did you see this horrible, horrible menu? We can't have nice conversation here.
Tomorrow I take you to nice place, my treat.
Oh, you don't have to do that.
No, no, I, too, want to apologize.
You know, after you two left the other night, some of my girls said that I was harsh on you.
Yes, all those girls work for me.
Excuse me, I have to go to the ladies' room right now and look at my lips.
Thank you so much for inviting us.
Are you enjoying that beluga? [Mouth full.]
Mmm, so much.
Thank you.
I haven't had caviar in forever.
Mmm.
Legs over your head much? So, sourpuss, you don't like caviar? No, I'm more of a cheeseburger kind of girl.
- Oh.
- This place is busy.
The waiters must make a fortune.
Oh, yeah, What do you girls make? on a good night.
And how do you expect you will accomplish cupcake business on money like this? Well, we're just starting out.
Yes, but at this rate, it will take forever.
You know, I, too, have big dream.
I am building summer house by lake in Poland.
You want to see? Oh, you have pictures? No, I have house.
This is model from the architect.
And I take it everywhere I am, to remember where I'm going.
It's cool.
See, girls like you should be making more money.
Maybe you could consider coming to work for me.
- Sophie! - Oh.
Thank you for sending girl to my apartment yesterday.
Oh, did she do the job? Oh, like no one ever before.
Down on all fours, under, over, under again.
Oh! [Laughs.]
Well, my girls don't leave until you're satisfied.
Maybe she can come two times a week.
She can come whenever you want her to come.
Are these two of your girls? Well, we were just discussing that.
Well, this one here looks like she can take a lot.
Uh, thanks? My friend Yanni is at the bar.
Since his divorce, he's in great need of your service.
Prosze.
Oh, yes.
Uh, excuse me, and, um, don't touch my house.
I can't believe she would actually consider asking us to be prostitutes.
I know.
I mean, me, I get, but you, I don't see it.
You heard the guy, I look like I could "take a lot.
" Max, it's not funny.
Isn't it bad enough i may hurt bees from her chanel gloss? Of course we're not gonna do it, but come on, you'd be a terrible hooker.
Thank you, I would be a terrible hooker.
I have a heart, and soul, and dreams, and want to fall in love and have a family.
Oh, just say it, you're bad in bed.
Let's get out of here.
I mean, really, who does she think I am? Someone who would just sell myself to have nice things? Let me just suck down a little more of this, and we're off.
If we walk out of here now, we can just keep walking to the homeless shelter.
[Mouth full.]
Well, I'd rather be homeless than a hooker.
Here she comes.
Sit down! Let's thank her and politely decline.
Okay, back to what we were discussing.
Uh, thanks.
We appreciate the offer, but we are going to pass.
So you don't want to accomplish your dream? Well, uh, I'm not exactly sure those two things line up, but thanks.
I thought you were smart girls.
We are smart girls, and smart girls don't have to sell their bodies to accomplish their goals.
Not that there's anything wrong with that.
It works for you, but us? Well, she's bad in bed and I have a sour puss.
What guy wants to pay for that? [Laughs.]
You think I am prostitute? No, everyone has swings with girls in pajamas.
My business card.
Home cleaning service.
She runs a cleaning company.
"Sophie's choice.
" You realize what this means? - We insulted a hard-working woman who was trying to help us attain our goal? Yes.
And I don't have herpes! I should have listened to you.
Meeting neighbors is a big mistake.
And meeting neighbors and calling them a prostitute? Bigger mistake.
Plus, we have to kick in What can we possibly say to her? That we're sorry, and please keep playing the bee gees day or night as loud as she wants.
Not a good idea to be smiling right now.
I'm just so happy I don't have herpes.
Hi, is this a bad time? Yes.
Yes, I'm in the middle of having sex for money with every man in Brooklyn.
What do you horrible, horrible girls want? Here, you left part of your dream on the table.
And we want to apologize.
I'm new at this whole being neighborly thing.
What does the fluffy one have to say? Thank you for being so generous, and for offering to help us make more money to accomplish our dream.
And this is supposed to make me feel better? You called me prostitute.
Actually, it's kind of a compliment that we thought you were stunning enough that men would pay to have sex with you.
This is true.
Come on in.
[The bee gees more than a woman.]
Thinking about those people Saturday night fever is my favorite movie.
Look at him.
He's so sexy.
He's not that cute, kind of oily.
You're right.
She would have made terrible prostitute.
That's a nice TV.
- Yeah, brand-new.
I have all my girls over the other night for viewing sleepover party.
It's also 3-d.
- Does it come with Yeah, in the drawer there.
- Here.
- Max, it's not a 3-d movie.
- Who cares? It's 3-d glasses.
Come on, you're always talking about wanting us to see things differently.
Oh, so cool.
This swing is a brilliant idea.
Yeah, it's for my porch at lake house.
But why wait? Dream is now.
- ha-a-ah more than a woman [cash register bell.]